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He entered the hazy forum, filled with the smell of smoke. "I've been told this is where I can find proofreaders. The pay isn't great, but if you do come across something noteworthy, recognition is likely." National Treasure - Gatekeepers of Boredom

I was originally going to joke saying "Why do I get the feeling this is an edited ChatGPT story?" but then I kept reading all the way to the first page of Chapter 2 and then I realized this is somehow original mediocrity... (You unironically used the phrase "sitting up straighter" with no context. Like...there's so many ways you could have explained that and that's what you went with?)

Perhaps I was more critical of your story than I usually would be due to you asking for it. But a number of issues stood out to me pretty quickly.

The most notable is that you seem to use a lot of fancy adjectives whenever you get the chance. The thing is is that this isn't bad by itself...a lot of stories do this and are just fine...including stories on this site. The problem is that a lot of your scenes either don't have much going on or don't fluidly connect with later or previous scenes...and if they do its pretty minimal. In other words they unnessecarily bloat the story. With such small paragraphs and small scenes...it comes off like your trying to make it seem like more is going on than there really is...or that your trying to impress the reader. (It doesn't help that some of your adjective choices are somewhat questionable. This isn't too bad mind you...you can't be expected to get every word right...but still. I found myself slightly bothered when you mentioned that Alex was "surrounded by blackness" instead of just sticking with darkness for whatever reason...and that was one of your more tame choices)

For the record I myself tend to use fancy adjectives when I write my stories too...but at least I have the courtesy to use them strategically...as in...I'll use them to build up to something or bunch them all in a single paragraph to try and make a scene seem more cool than it would be otherwise. Otherwise I will just stick with using plain text...or try to pace my scenes accordingly ect.

What you wrote (from what I read anyways) is not downright horrible but its not exactly good either. You at least attempted to do the whole "body language" thing with your characters by not having them explicitly explain their every thought when talking to each other...but for whatever reason it doesn't come off as super believable...that is...I don't get a good feel for who these characters really are...either that or your characters just aren't very interesting/stand out. (This is not helped by the 3rd person perspective...as you don't seem to properly introduce anyone. Having at least one scene where your MC describes someone upon meeting them can go a long way to at least establish some grounding for who's being talking to and why they are important ect.)

And also...your item is kinda busted...unless I'm supposed to be allowed to keep charging the phone battery till it reaches 105% and then when I return to the story its at 99%. I get this is minor (unless it isn't) but given that you weren't pressured for time...I can't imagine why you didn't test this yourself before submitting? (unless the item isn't very important and you just wanted critique of your actual story...which only makes me question even more why its there...)

And aside from the intro pages which didn't make it clear what the choices even meant...you don't get a single choice until several pages into Chapter 2! (I skipped ahead a bit to see when the next choice would be) I guess there's nothing objectively wrong with that but...I can't imagine too many people here will sit well with that...

As for your plot...uh...yeah I got nothing. Though I find it very odd that the end of the first chapter sets up a potential conflict and then the start of the next chapter...drops it (the text does acknowledge this...but there's no explanation as to why this is the case. Leaving me to believe that you felt the logistical explanation for this was obvious to the characters and forgot that you had an audience reading the story that should ideally know what's going on...granted some stories hold back important information with purpose...but I highly doubt that's what you were going for here)

I'm not even going to bother giving my read on the characters...feels like it would go over your head. Its clear you want your main characters to have a dynamic going on...but so little of it is properly established. (If the conversations between your characters is less engaging than watching random strangers in irl talk about mundane stuff...your doing something very wrong!)

There was once a girl who went by the name of "Mystic Warrior" who once told me something along the lines of "Don't try to impress your reader with your writing...try to make them feel something!" and also something about window panes...I think...the important thing is is that you don't let your prose distract from what your trying to convey...and I think you could do a better job at conveying what you have going on in your mind. (Unless what you wrote is what went on in your mind...in which case...oh boy...not sure what to say to that...)

Though if I did have to critique your prose more directly...I'd say you might want to experiment with longer paragraphs a bit more. Really take the time to establish your scene and then have characters talk to each other so that the reader has context for why any it matters/why they should care. Simply saying "its a good day that the characters enjoy" only works if your story is very simple. If you have a lot of crap going on...even if its backround crap...it should be acknowledged at some point or at least paced more purposefully than just...in your case barely even acknowledging it. I cannot stress enough that it feels like you have the full story in your head and your chose to not explain it all. I'd imagine you did this to cut some of the bloat...but because the narration itself isn't focused...your story comes across as unfocused as a result (to me anyways).

It would also help if you specified what exactly you want critiqued...or "proofread" in this case. (Was there a specific thing you wanted critiqued that I didn't cover?) But yeah hoped that helped you out and hopefully you improve your writing going forward! :D

Wow! I'm so glad you liked it.

I added this script to fix the overcharging issue: IF %BATT > 100 THEN %BATT := 100

Idk if "like" is the right word, I just have a tendency to ramble sometimes. If you want more people to give good critique, next time maybe just post an excerpt instead of the whole thing, especially if you haven't gotten your prose good enough.

Though honestly...what's the point of the battery if you can just recharge it all the way to 100% whenever you want?

Whatever your intention with the battery is...I can promise you that its not properly implemented in a way that makes logical sense.

Playing to the end might help you understand my intentions for the battery. The battery is simply a delay. Delays and Dead Ends are elements of the game. I’m taking a risk by annoying the reader, I know, but dealing with frustration is part of treasure hunting. Remember the objective is to have fun, find the treasure and SCORE 100.

Alienrun, you’ve been very helpful. Thanks to you, I know I have successfully created frustration. ;-D

"There was once a girl who went by the name of "Mystic Warrior" 

 

 I believe she still exists.

Prove it!

Pics or it didn't happen...

Birds aren't real!

Thanks Alienrun for your constructive criticism, I changed some things you noted (the battery can't be fully charged) and will publish it soon. The prose is still flowery, but hey, so am I :D - I hope you'll give it another chance.

As I mentioned in another post here, 'It's more of a game then a multi-path story. There are sidetracks and dead ends and currently I've found only found one way to score 100 and find the treasure too. I have enjoyed playing it and I hope others agree and accept the challenge.'
 

Looks like a pretty impressive effort.