So Mizal wrote a piece where she and Bucky are noble heroes trying to deal with the stupidity of others. I disagree. Clearly, the role they take is that of the villains of what's basically a Sunday morning cartoon, constantly waging a war for a site that's a losing battle to idiots, furries and trolls, like No Heart and those stupid Care Bears, or Gargamel and those bloody Smurfs. So here.
Chapter I: The Council meets
Lady Mizal sat on her ebony throne, toying with a pair of daggers. The city-state of Cystia, a combination of a walled fortress, a massive library and a city, was doing well. The reigning High Lords of the Undead King, Bijorn Frosthammer, the Metal Killa of the Inepta Republic and Seth had succesfully kept the city running as endless attacks from the tribes of beastmen that constantly lay siege to the city, as well as the disgusting trolls that lurked in the darkness and struck when least expected.
Lady Mizal strolled across the room, staring out the window. Armed guards stood at the gates, welcoming immigrants and waiting for another troll attack or a band of beastmen to sneak in. At the pub, she could hear the joyous shouting of insults and arguments. From the Hall of the High Lord, a crier gave out the new decrees. Then there was the Grand Library, where men discussed great work, writers worked long and hard at their craft, men read on large couches and discussed writing techniques. Children visited the town wishing well tossing in golden “Point” coins, and the mad and the insane screamed while scratching their skin screaming about the invisible “bugs” that infest their very skin.
Lady Mizal’s eyes narrowed as she saw it. The town’s peasants and fools, encrusted with their own feces and urine, had assembled in the town square. They were playing games, chasing each other around, pretending to be apocalyptic wanders, or fairy tale characters or other stupid things.
“What are the fools doing?” Lady Mizal shouted. “Cystia is known for it’s library! They’re not reading, they’re not writing, they’re not even sacrificing their skin to be pages and their blood to be ink! If they wanted to wander around like idiots, let them join the beast men!”
This would not stand. She needed to assemble her allies and beg before the Endless Abomination of the Void. She turned, quickly running through the tower.
Mister IAP was first. The zombified man stood tall, wearing a black hat and suit with a red bowtie, a cigar clenched between his rotten teeth. Lady Mizal quickly explained the situation to Mister IAP, and without saying a word the zombie tapped the ash away from his cigar and strolled after her.
General Lacker was next. The scarred, bloody man was in his room, pacing as he yelled. Whether it be in a PTS-induced nightmare from his time on the frontlines or one of his many transformations, he spent a lot of time screaming.
“General Lacker!” Mizal said, smacking him across the face.
“I feel the transformation! The spirit of the beast is overtaking me!” General Lacker screamed.
The scarred man feel to his knees as his body began to morph, hair sprouting as his transformation took place. Less than a minute later, all that was left of his human form was a tattered overcoat. Now in the man’s place was a six foot long Capybara. The Capybara wiggled it’s head, before following Mizal.
Sir Bucky wasn’t in his quarters. Instead, Lady Mizal found him in hers.
“Sir Bucky! The peasants are playing stupid games instead of writing! We…!”
Lady Mizal noticed that Sir Bucky was rifling through her underwear drawer.
“Uh… hi,” the noble knight said, peering nervously out of the deer skull that acted as the helmet to complete his armoured leather outfit.
“What the hell…?” Lady Mizal began to ask, before Bucky interrupted her.
“The peasants need to be dealt with! We must find Ivy!”
Suddenly, a bright white unicorn with a rainbow mane birst through the doors, with the noble Ivy sitting on it’s back.
“My friends! There is fee fees to shatter! Tonight the only food being served shall be twatwaffles! Rejoice!” the beloved hero said.
The next stop was the catacombs beneath the tower, which acted as both a torture chamber and a sex dungeon. They saw rapid movement undernearth the covers of Sir Steve the Shackled Scribe. His head popped out, covered in an executioner’s hood, before the Labradour hopped out of the bed and walked off down the dungeons to find some poor, tortured peasant with exposed bones to gnaw on.
“Uh… oh no, you caught me beating up my dog! Oh, I’m so ashamed and sorry!” Steve said, as he quickly got dressed in his black robes and iron chains, before grabbing his mace. “Did… did you want something?”
“We need to murder the peasants! They…”
“Oh yeah, I’m in,” Steve said.
The group strolled to Axiom’s private chambers, where her head was buried in a book, because in the opinion of I, the humble omniscient narrator, she’s a massive nerd.
“Axiom! We need to murder peasants!” Mizal said.
Axiom raised a finger indicating she needed one minute to finish reading.
Several hours later, once Axiom had finished her nerd stuff, the group had finally assembled in the main chambers of the Council of Nine. The Great Unknown Being, the Final Lord of the Void, the Soul Banisher, peered down at them.
The being that had lived for eternities stared, a single black eye peering down from the walls itself, where a fraction of its power had taken form to talk to its loyal servants. Tentacles moved forward, ranging from the width of thin ropes to thick tree trunks.
“Pathetic mortals! I am immortal and undying, yet you still find ways to waste my time! Why have you come to spend some of your useless lives in my presence?” the Soul Banisher said, it’s voice both a horrible ear-splitting howl, a gurgling croak, a hushed whipser, a gnawing at the walls of the Council’s sanity. “I took the powers from the Blue Mage and left him a withered old man! I put your rotting pawn on the council! Kings envy your power! What more could you ask?!” the being of pure malice questioned.
“The peasants have abandoned the purpose of this city to go circle-jerk in a park and play games!” Lady Mizal said, trying not to look the being of infinite horrors in the eye.
“The peasants have what?! You must strike them down! Break them! Shatter them! They need to contribute to writing, even if that’s having their souls bound to the pages of heretical tomes themselves!”
“Yes, master, your will is our command!” Lady Mizal said.
“Now, serve your master!” the Soul Banisher commanded.
The Council of Nine walked out of their chambers. Now, they would serve the state. Time to get to work.
Chapter II: The non-Warrior Cat cat that happened to be a warrior
“Compliments for sale! Compliments for sale! Get your hand-crafted, piping hot compliments, straight from my mouth to your ears!” Bucky cried as he pushed an empty cart down the road.
Mizal’s plan was perfect. She had chosen the ideal candidates for this ambush. Herself, of course, for her genius plotting and planning, Bucky, for his charming personality, Malk. A. Lacker, for his ferocity in battle, Steve, because Steve had just kind of been sitting nearby when they were planning the ambush and no one actually knew he was paying attention because the sack over his head didn’t let them know he was actually looking them all, and they only realized he thought he was in on it when he followed them as they got up to leave, and at that point they didn’t have any other choice but to let him stay because they didn’t want to hurt his feelings, and Ivy, because fucking unicorns, man.
The plan was genius. Bucky would lure the first idiot who heard his shouts off towards the old bridge, where Ivy would chase him or her down the bridge on his unicorn, straight into the arms of Malk, Lady Mizal and Steve, because Steve was apparently here.
Tim walked down the street, talking his cat for a walk. The cat was doing surprisingly little walking, mostly just clinging to Tim’s chest as it dug into his flesh with its claws. He tried to pry the cat off, before being distracted by the sound of the Bucky shouting.
“Free compliments! Appearance, personality, even your intelligence, I’ll compliment it all!”
“Tim. Tim Tim Tim. Tim Tim,” Tim thought.
Tim walked towards the sound, until he spotted the skull-helmeted man, pushing a cart full of air. Perhaps Tim could get him to throw in some of that air for the price of a compliment. He walked forward. Suddenly, there was a shout.
“Tally-ho!” Ivy shouted, raising a trident over his shoulder.
Tim paused, staring at Ivy. Slowly, Ivy’s face turned from joyous shouting to confused surprise. Tim stood there, staring at him. Ivy’s unicorn slowed down, until it stopped, it’s horn centimeters away from Tim’s nose.
“Uh… I… you were supposed to run,” Ivy said. “We didn’t plan for this. This isn’t even a killing trident. It’s ceremonial. I don’t really want to use it in case it breaks…”
“Why would I run?” Tim asked, confused.
“Because… I was here to kill you.”
“Oh. Why do you want to kill me?” Tim asked, confused.
“Because... guys!” Ivy said, shouting to his allies.
Mizal, Steve and Malk charged up the bridge, weapons at the ready. Tim stared at them in confusion, before Malk raised to the front, a pair of axes in his hands, roaring. He lept forward, bloodlust in his eyes as Tim backpedelled in confusion and terror, but mostly confusion. Malk howled as he hurtled forward, before Tim was smashed to the ground and his chat knocked out of his hands and into the air. He opened his eyes, finding a large Capybara headbutting him, it’s soft head gently thumping against Tim’s chest.
“Well, time for Steve to do this,” Steve said, raising his mace to crush Tim’s head.
The cat smacked into the ground with a yelp, before leaping forward with a hiss, it’s claws looking painfully sharp. It immediately attached itself to Steve’s genitals.
“Oh dear god!” he howled, grabbing Mizal. “For god’s sake woman, slit my throat and end this pain!”
As Steve’s genitals became a scratching post, he continued howling in pain.
“Why would you have a cat like this?” Steve whimpered. “You made me Jewish, cat!”
In response, the cat dug deeper. In pain, Steve flung his mace into the air, smacking into Mizal, sending her tumbling to the ground. Steve’s final pained yell before he had one of the best ideas he’s ever had, ramming his head into the cart until he knocked himself into unconsciousness to end his hidieous castration, sent Ivy’s unicorn into a terror-filled charge. Ivy fell off, bouncing off the cobblestone and into the river. The unicorn’s horn slammed directly into Bucky’s throat, as he received a fairly medically sound tracheotomy.
As Tim was surrounded by a rage-filled Capybara that couldn’t hurt a fly let alone a Tim, an Irishman who was going to have an awakening worse than any hangover his people could muster, a unicorn repeatedly stabbing a man through the throat, a bloody and bruised Lady and a drowning dude, he felt confused as to what had just happened. Nonetheless, he picked up his cat, pulling off a fair bit of genitals, and walked on. Shame he didn’t get one of those compliments.
... I guess I won.
Tim wins errytiiiiiime.
Jokes aside, I like this one.
Rereading this, just realized that Axiom was not in the second chapter.
Chapter 3 better have a shitload of Axiom.
So Tim has the hots for Axiom. Good to know.
Obviously my favorite character.
Better than whatshisface who got his Johnson clawed off by Simba.
Your cat's name was Tac, not Simba.
Oh. My real Cat's name is Simba. I just assumed that it would have been my actual cat.
Either way, you're possibly gonna need a Dick Transplant.
Those are expensive. Staples are cheap.
Chapter III: Love is like a sphere going into a maze, again and again and again
Mizal, Ivy, Steve, Malk and Bucky knelt in front of the horrible eye of the Soul Banisher, as the entire room contorted, melted, moved and changed as it surged with the dark creature’s power.
“You were fucking beaten by Tim?” the Soul Banisher howled, as the Council members could feel their entire consciousness morph into that of an animal that only knew pain. “I could’ve understood if the wizard kicked your asses, or if it was that fucking ponkl, but Tim?!”
“We’re sorry, please forgive us,” Mizal whimpered in pain.
“What the fuck am I even keeping you around for?” the Soul Banisher moaned. “You’re just so… so… fucking stupid. I can’t even deal with this shit right now. I have an entire political party worshipping the fuck out of me, and they get the shit I ask done, rather than having issues like “Oh, my unicorn is afraid of its lungs filling with water!” or “There’s a unicorn horn in my throat” or “Satan exists and took my testes!”, and all that shit. Get the fuck out of my sight.”
“But… you’re all-seeing and all-knowing. How can we…?” Ivy asked.
“It’s a figure of speech, asshole,” the Soul Banisher said, as the Council members desperately fled the room. “Fucking… Tim. I’m fucking glad you lost your fucking testicles, don’t need more idiots reproducing…”
The Council members regrouped outside the hallway, as Mizal stared angrily at Malk.
“Did you have to turn into a Capybara? We were doing so well, and you fucked it up!”
“It’s my curse! My eternal struggle to keep the beast under-wraps! How would you like it?” Malk howled.
“So… do I get another unicorn?” Ivy asked.
“We’ll kill Tim later. I need to go wash,” she said, walking off.
“I… have some things,” Bucky says, immediately and gleefully following Mizal.
“Seriously, do I get a new unicorn? Cinnamon is not alive, he drowned painfully. Where the fuck am I going to get another unicorn? Will one just appear soon? I feel like the whole unicorn riding is my thing,” Ivy says.
“Well, I have to go find a stapler or some tape or some shit to see if I can keep my genitals on, or failing that go hang myself,” Steve said, wandering off, one hand cupping the minced meat hanging from his crotch.
As Ivy walked off to find some way to get another unicorn and the beast within Malk was unleashed and immediately walked off to find some tree bark or whatever the fuck Capybara eat. I don’t know, talk to a fucking biologist. Oh, am I supposed to be an Omniscient narrator who should know? Go fuck yourself.
Axiom sat in her room, waiting. Soon, she heard the familiar tapping of pebbles hitting the window. She quickly threw her book aside, running to the window and opening it wide. The noble hero Tim stood there, vaguely smiling. Axiom let the rope ladder tumble down, and Tim quickly climbed up.
“Oh, thank god you’ve alive. I’m so glad that my warning of our plans has saved you,” Axiom said, kissing Tim softly.
“What?” Tim asked, confused.
“I warned you about the ambush. Isn’t… isn’t that how you beat the other Council members?” Axiom asked.
“Ambush?” Tim asked, confused.
“You just…” Axiom said, smacking her head in frustration. “Nothing, I’m just glad you’re OK.”
For Axiom, the relationship had everything Axiom lacked as a person. While she was was a hate-filled critic who only saw imperfection, Tim was satisfied with life. While Axiom’s mind was an extensive labyrinth that held nuanced opinions, endless personality quirks, every edge, wall, face and aspect of the extensive endless maze of her soul, Tiim was a sphere. Tim was both her antithesis, and her completion.
For Tim, the relationship had boobies.
Axiom held Tim in her arms, and for a moment, everything was alright, and she had nothing to review. Passion took her, and she grabbed Tim, kissing him deeply. The pair quickly undressed, intertwining as two forms became one half-confused, half-unsatisfied beautiful form. Tim quickly found himself on top of her, exasperatedly trying to jam something into a bellybutton. After Axiom took his hand, re-explained the entire concept of intercourse, tried again, re-explained the concept once more time and finally had one more go at it. Tim lay atop Axiom, less thrusting and more flopping like a dying fish.
"Tim... Tim... Tim! Tim! Tim! TIIIMMMM!" Tim groaned, collapsing off a yet again unsatisfied Axiom.
The two lay in the bed, unsatisfied with the past, confused about the present, but hopeful about the future.
What happened to the old days when you guys ridiculed me? I feel sad now that I'm not the laughingstock anymore.
You'll be the target eventually. Tim was only going to get one chapter, but his obvious attempts to get in Axiom's pants have condemned him to a romance plot.
That's all I ask.
It worked, though, didn't it?
Ahahaha, shit, how'd I miss this? Was this the banned episode of our favorite cartoon, The Tim Adventures of Tim?
There are so many lines in here that just had me cracking up.
Oh and I looked it up and capybara's eat grass, fruit, and yes, tree bark. No wonder Malk is always running around raging with bloodlust that nature had deemed will never be sated, poor guy.
It isn't banned in Switzerland.
I ship this.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Steve eyes the phone warily. "It better not be Mason."
For some reason he had a bit of hope it wasn't. He was wrong to think that. Steve picks up the phone and holds it to his ear.
"Hai Steve I think there's another troll in my house....."
Steve immediately hangs up. Mizal walks into the room. "Who was that?"
Steve shrugs. "Mason again."
Mizal rolls her eyes. "God that fucker doesn't know when to leave us alone."
The phone rings again. Steve doesn't dare touch it. But then the phone automatically records the message he left.
"I KNOW YOURE FUCKING THERE STEVE. THE TROLL, ITS ATTACKING ME! HEEEEELP!"
Steve and Mizal cover their eyes, the screaming pleas of Mason hurting their ears. Bucky comes running in. "What the hell was that?"
"Mason needs help again." Steve replies, still clutching his ears. "I think he's for real this time."
"Fine. But only if I get to punch him if this is a phony." Bucky insists.
"Fine." Steve and Mizal say in unison.
The three leave the office of "Troll Banishing", leaving behind the others to attend to Trollbusting. Mizal, Steve, and Bucky take the public bus to the forum games. Mizal wrinkles her nose in disgust at the revolting shanty town district.
"The sooner we're out here, the better." Steve and Bucky nod in agreement.
They soon come across Mason's house, which is surrounded by the native folk there. They are all dressed up in post-apocalyptic clothing. They must have been doing one of their weird rituals, or roleplays. One of them looks up at Bucky.
"Mason's inside. And he hasn't come out."
Bucky nods, then takes out his Trollbusting gear. Mizal and Steve do the same, before opening Mason's door. A disgusting aroma leaks out, and the Forum Game natives run away in fear.
"Jesus Christ. Does it kill Mason to clean in here every once in a while?" Steve pokes around in the shanty house.
Mizal eyes a splatter of gore on the ground. "Look at this....." She turns around with wide eyes. "Did he really-"
Before she could finish, Mizal is interrupted by the sound of breaking wood. The trio turns to face the sound. They carefully walk towards the noise of wet splashing. Steve steps forward to open a door. Inside is a grotesque version of Mason. His arm is torn off, and a tentacle seeps from one of his legs. His jar helmet is still on, but cracked. Inside of the helmet are two red, beady eyes.
The eyes of a troll.
Mason screams and runs forward to attack them. Before he can, however, Bucky slams the door. "Run!"
Mason breaks through the door, and more tentacles seem to be seeping out from the floor and ceiling. Mason wasn't kidding. A troll had possessed him. Mizal stops to fire a few nets at him from her blaster, but Mason only seems to increase in size. The trio jumps out of Mason's house, and he soon crushes it underneath his tentacles.
"Any ideas?" Steve asks, while dodging a falling piece of wood.
Bucky searches the monster for a weak spot. Soon enough, he notices a small red spot under his head.
"Shoot his neck!" He screams out.
Mizal, Bucky, and Steve back up as Mason's ever growing form terrorizes the small town. Chris' house is crushed by a tentacle, and he runs screaming.
Mizal throws a vial of good grammar, one of a troll's annoyances. The troll turns to face her. He screams in anger and launches splats of ectoplasmic troll bile. While he is distracted, Bucky takes a shot at his neck. Mason falls back, and is very frustrated that Bucky found his weak spot. Mason grabs a nearby house and launches it at Bucky, but Steve hits Bucky out of the way.
"Thanks." Bucky mutters. "But this guy is too hard to defeat. We need something that hurts a troll.....and the normal Mason."
Steve realizes the answer. He cups his hand to Bucky's ear and whispers a few words. A grin seeps across Bucky's face. He loads his special ammunition into his rifle. And that ammunition was called Bucky's Insults. He fires them at Mason's neck until he gives up, and the neck fails to support Mason's large head. The jar comes crushing down and destroys his troll form.
Mizal grins. "We got a bonus from that. We got to kill a troll.....and Mason!"
Steve will probably throw another shit fit about someone posting in HIS thread, but this was amusing and good for you, you wrote a story. You and Tim both might survive the revolution at this rate.
Chapter IV: Smoking a Fag
As Malk felt his body morph, his hair fall out and his body stretch back to humanoid form and proportions, he heard a yell.
“Hear ye, hear ye!” the town crier yelled. “There has been a new proclamation has been declared by the Undead King! All fags are to be burned at the stake!”
Malk felt the blood drain from his face. Strangely, the degradation of knowing that referred to him caused it to rush somewhere else. How had this happened? The Undead Lord was a member of the Council, although he hid the fact now to avoid a revolt. The Soul Banisher had promised them he would stay loyal? Now, he’d declared fags to burn. Did End not know Malk was a closet fag? He must. He must’ve known Steve was a fag. Or was Steve a half-fag? Did they get burnt? Singed, maybe?
Malk couldn’t let this happen. He didn’t want to die. He needed to become straight. He needed someone to teach him. He needed the two straightest, most heterosexual people in existence.
Ten minutes later, Malk had assembled Bucky and Mister IAP. Mister IAP had been found hammering a newly forged metal sound, his rotting biceps glistening with sweat. Malk was glad that the heat for the heat from the forge, otherwise he would’ve had no choice but to use his “Is it hot in here, or is it just me?”
Bucky, meanwhile, had been found in the laundry hamper, searching frantically by shear scent alone. Malk took them off to a private room, and immediately dropped to his knees.
“For fuck’s sake, for the last time, I don’t swing that way!” Bucky complained, as Mister IAP shook his head.
“No, it’s not for that! This is me begging you!” Malk said. “Please, I need you to make me straight!”
“By… making you a woman?” Bucky asked. “Because that’d be easier than getting rid of your love of dick!”
“Bucky, Mister IAP, please! I’ll do whatever you want! And I do mean what…”
“Fine, I’ll teach you. But it’ll be hard. Harder than you are,” Bucky said. “I guess we’ll start with just slapping you in the balls whenever you act gay. Mister IAP, you’re in charge of that.
Mister IAP nodded, inhaling smoke through his cigar, before immediately kicked Malk in the testes, sending him to his knees.
“Ow! He said slap! And I wasn’t being gay!”
Mister IAP slammed his foot into Malk’s testicles again, as Malk gained the ability to be a countertenor.
“You’re still doing it,” Bucky said, shaking his head.
Mister IAP swung his foot once more, smashing his steel-capped boot into Malk’s junk once more, as he became a Soprano, both because of his high voice and because his genitalia now closer matched a post-op Transvestite. Malk collapsed onto his face as Mister IAP slowly shook his head in disgust and disappointment.
“Huh. Maybe you’re not doing anything, you’re just constantly emitting a gay vibe. Like, I feel you own a drill purely for the purpose of making glory-holes.”
The door swung open, as two figures walked in, both dressed in black. One’s rotting face just appeared under his hood, while the other was adorned in steel chains.
“What’s this? Are we kicking Malk in the genitals again?” Steve asked.
“We’re trying to stop Malk from stop being gay,” Bucky said.
“No! Don’t tell him! They’ll burn me alive!” Malk said frantically. “Fuck, spirit of the beast, take me! You might be able to catch a simple human, Undead King, but you’ll never catch the speedy Capybara!”
Five minutes later after the Council members had caught the fairly slow Capybara and kicked it until it retook the form of General Lacker, they had him tied to a chair.
“Oh god, don’t burn me! Please! I’m sorry for being a fag! Dick’s just so appetizing!” Malk whimpered.
“Oh, Steve, explain it to him,” the Undead King says with a shrug. “I don’t have time for this.”
Steve knelt down next to the General, putting a hand on his shoulder.
“It’s OK, buddy. Just because someone’s gay doesn’t mean they’re a fag, and just because someone’s a fag doesn’t make them gay,” Steve explained.
“It doesn’t?” Malk said, blinking tears away.
“No, no. A gay person is just someone attracted to their own gender and not the opposite one. There’s nothing wrong with that. A fag is a pussy who gets offended a lot, is weak and cowardly and generally acts like a little bitch. They’re two separate groups.”
“Oh thank god! So I’m not breaking the law?” Malk said, perking up.
“Oh no, Malk. You’re still breaking the law. You’re a filthy fag, Malk. That just happens to coincide with the fact you love dick.”
“Oh god! I don’t want to be burned!” Malk yelled.
“You won’t be burned,” the Undead King says. “This new law was only to put in place so we can deal with the Street Slasher, so we can burn him instead of just tossing him in the dungeons for killing all those hookers ‘cause he wouldn’t get it up. You’re fine.”
“Oh, oh thank god,” Malk said.
“Well, I need to go. The hound picked me some apples I’m going to have made into a pie along with a nice, meaty baby,” the Undead King said, walking off.
The Council of Nine disbanded, leaving Malk tied to the chair. That day, Malk learned three things about himself. That Capybara’s were slow, that IAP can kick like a donkey, that he was a fag, and what he learned on his own tied to the chair was that he was really into being tied up.
My sides are in orbit. This is fucking fantastic.
Wait, who are in the council of nine?
I mean, it's ten people counting Mason. He's just not on the council.
Haha check Malk's profile page.
It's in reference to KKK's.
Malk I'm sorry about your dignity but this was hilarious.
Rim, Rimjob. Coincidence? Doubt it.
Chapter V: Fags and Hoes
The Whore Cutter, or as he affectionately called himself, Cutty watched as the lady of the night walked along the alleyway. This was his favorite hunting spot, where the whores that infested this city, just like the syphillis and crabs that infested them, would occasionally go away from the noises and shouts of horny costumers to have a smoke break.
As the whore walked down the alley to her waiting doom, Cuttyy stepped forward, blocking her escape. He drew two long, thick, girthy butcher knives from his sleeves as the whore noticed him, her look transforming.
“They call me the Whore Cutter,” Cutty growled, slowly approaching the woman. “You and me are going to have a lot of fun with my two metal blades here. But first… we’re going to have a lot more fun with something… meatier.”
To Cutty’s surprise, the woman only smiled.
“You poor, confused boy. You’ve just walked straight into a trap!”
Mizal, Axiom, Bucky, Steve and Malk sat around the lounge. Mizal attempted to put down one of Bucky’s attempts to get in her pants, Axiom sat in the corner with a book, and Steve and Malk played poker.
“Come on, baby, we’re built for each other!” Bucky said. “Our entire life cycle requires fucking! Do you want to doom our race?”
“You hate children,” Mizal said. “We wouldn’t have any.”
“Yes, but I also hate condoms, because we’re in a time that makes them from sheep intestine or whatever.”
“Pffh, half the time when Steve fucks something, his dick end’s up in a sheep intestine. Because he fucks sheep. In the ass,” Malk snickered.
Steve made a jerking off motion as he laid down a winning hands of Aces and Nines, as Malk groaned and slid over another few gold coins.
“Fuck you Steve, you’re a fag.”
“Do I have to do the pot-kettle…? Oh, fuck it. “Hey, Kettle?” “Yes, pot?” “You’re on black motherfucker!”,” Steve said.
“Well you’re into traps!” Malk said.
“Oh, fuck… did we hire a prostitute as bait to ambush and kill… someone?” Bucky asks.
“Someone? Was it Tim?” Axiom asked, her heart fluttering.
“No, it was the fag, Cuttyy,” Steve said.
“Yeah… did no one follow that up? What the fuck is Mister IAP doing?”
“Metalwork,” Malk said.
“What about Ivy and the Undead King?”
“Trying to revive a unicorn.”
“Oh, shit. We should probably find that prostitute before it’s too late.”
Cuttyy drove the knife into her, feeling her skin give aay to the blade that penetrated her flesh, deep and hard.
“It’s fucking cold, OK? We’re outside!” Cutty roared. “It’s a grower! It’d be so big you’d fucking choke on it if it was at full steam!”
The whore gasped as blood filled her lungs.
“This doesn’t usually happen! I’d have fucked you so bad!” Cutty said, as he finally slit the whore’s throat and let her blood run down, streaming towards her bare tits.
Cutty stood up from his kill, savoring the smells, the tastes, the sounds, the feeling, the sights. He sighed as he realized only now, looking at the hacked apart body in front of him, did he finally get it up.
“Shit! This is a coincidence!” he said to the aether around him in an attempt to reassure himself. “I kill because I’m sick and twisted, not because of this!”
Cutty sighed, staring at the body in front of him. He had already decimated the conventional fuck holes. Still, those stab holes were looking pretty nice….
Cutty sighed, and got to business.
The Council of Nine rushed along the streets, heading to the ambush point. They rushed along side streets and alleys. They soon found themselves skidding to a halt as the Whore Cutter was found desperately humping a bloody hole carved in a prostitute’s stomach.
“Oh… shit,” Bucky said.
“Hey look, Cutty’s into corpses! That’s so grossed,” Mak said, over-joyed that for once the sexuality he was condemning wasn’t one he was.
“He’s not only fucking a corpse, but his technique in doing so is terrible,” Axiom criticized.
“I always said Cutty was a fag. I fucking called it, bitches,” Steve said proudly.
Cutty turned away from his meaty sex doll, looking at them.
“Hey! I… it’s not what it… I was stabbing her with a thrusting motion and I slippe… fuck you! You just hate me because I’m bisexual! This is an attack on my sexuality!” Cutty yelled. “I’m going to talk to the High Lords, and have you motherfuckers exiled! You’ll all be exiled for this!”
“Just kill him,” Mizal commanded, as General Lacker allowed the beast to take over him, Bucky drew his sword and Steve raised his mace.
“Time for a motherfucking battle rap, bitches,” Cutty said, raising his knives in a defensive manner. “Or… or fleeing rap, ‘cause I’m scared.
The group charged, as Cutty began to flee whilst rapping.
“You think you can beat me, nah, punk. You’re little fucking bitches, eat my junk. I’m a mad dude, a bad dude, a killer who is also a dude, I’ll kill a bitch, cut her throat, scratch an itch and… uh… build a moat.”
Cutty frantically scrambled over the corpse, heading down the alley. The Council advanced slowly, seeing it was a dead end, but Cutty kept running, desperately trying to escape.
“I got the Wolf Girl and the blue wizard, all in my crew and… I’ll fuck your gizzard. I got mad flow, are you mad, bro? You’re sad ‘n’ low, while…”
Cutty ran into the alley’s dead end, collapsing as his shitty rap ended.
“Oh god!” Cutty said, realizing death was upon him.
Cutty curled up into a ball and began to sob. He immediately began to soil himself, rubbing the excrement all over his body in some mad act of terror.
“Oh, fuck,” Bucky said, stopping himself from crushing Cutty’s shit-covered windpipe.
“Guys, these are new boots.”
Steve looked at his mace, remembering how hard it was to clean the feces off his mace last time he kicked his ass.
Malk the Capybara gave zero fucks about kicking the shit out of a man literally covered in shit, but he was a Capybara, so who the fuck cares? What even is a Capybara? Like, related the beaver, right? I have an uncle south of the border who says they’re just giant rats, but I think he’s bullshitting, because he also eats it, and you wouldn’t eat a giant rat, because that’s fucking gross. Maybe he meant figuratively. I don’t know. Can you tame them? Have I been wrong to describe the spirit of the beast as wild? Should I have been saying partially tamable? I don’t know, I didn’t do biology in school. Ah, fuck it. This wasn’t what the story was about.
The Council of Nine stood over the sobbing man, who was now wracked with terror, shaking as he waited for the killing blow.
“Is… is there some way to kill him without touching him?” Mizal asked, trying not to gag at the smell.
“I mean, I have magic spells… but I’d just feel kind of bad,” Axiom admitted. “He’s like a cowardly, pathetic, shitty, necrophilliac, horny, woman-hating Tim.”
“We hate Tim. We tried to kill him,” Mizal reminded.
“I meant Malk,” Axiom said, as the fear of getting caught sent adrenaline running through her. Well, Tim was going to have a fun night tonight.
Cutty began to crawl away, not making eye contact.
“Do… do we stop him? We stop him, right?” Bucky asked.
“Yeah, Bucky, stop him,” Mizal said.
The Council of Nine watched as the murderer crawled away, none of them willing to do anything. Finally, once he had crawled out of the alley, Cutty shot up and ran off through the crowded streets, and then he was gone.
“Oh, the Undead King is going to be mad we let one of his hookers die,” Bucky said.
“Fuck, you want to talk about mad, the Soul Banisher is going to eat our hearts for this,”
“Let’s just get back to the tower,” Mizal said.
I'm guessing Cutty is Slashy? :o
All characters are entirely my own imagination and any similarity to real life people is coincidental.
Whatever you say :P
Still better than any of my actual raps.
#AxTim is a weak ship, but it may survive.
Don't be stupid. There's only two things in the world that are certain: death, and Taxiom.
In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes OR TAXIOM. -- Benjamin Franklin
If that's how you're going to play this game, expect countermeasures.
Finally got to sit down and read this. Gorier than the others but I suppose that makes sense for 'Cutty' the torture porn enthusiast. Anyway I'm loving these and how fucking inept we all are. Malk's scenes are always some of my favorites, poor guy. He's had other avatars for awhile now but he'll always be an angry sexually confused capybara in our hearts.
I hope 'Axiom criticized' becomes a thing, like 'Tim asked, confused'
Chapter VI: The Purge
“One of you is a fucking were-beast, one of you is a fucking wizard, one of you is wearing a skull, one of you is covered in bitching chains and one of you is a fucking zombie-blacksmith!” the Soul Banisher howled. “How are you so shit?!”
“Oh glorious nightmare dictator, we tried! But… you know… it’s hard,” Mizal said.
“One of you better tell me who fucked up, or I’ll flay your souls!” the Soul Banisher roared.
“Steve,” Malk said.
“Malk,” Steve said.
“…Mason?” Bucky suggests.
“Shit yeah, it was all Mason!” Mizal says.
“Yeah, Mason!” the group quickly began agreeing.
“Mason? What the fuck has Mason to do with it?” the Soul Banisher asked.
“He’s been sabotaging from the start! He helped Tim escape, and rescued Slashy, and everyone! It was all him!”
“Really? Are you sure?” the Soul Banisher growled.
“Yeah, definitely,” Mizal said.
“Axiom… you don’t have any criticisms for the group other than towards Mason?”
Axiom gulped, an adams apple manifesting temporarily in her throat because in this shitty world where Were-Capybaras exist that’s how nervousness is shown.
“Um…” Axiom said.
“I’d be so happy to hear your criticisms of the group…” the Soul Banisher prompted.
“Oh fuck, fine! We’re shit! Malk is literally useless, Ivy’s disappeared, Mister IAP doesn’t even talk, Bucky’s constantly getting distracted whenever a girl with tight clothes passes, Steve gets distracted when ANYONE with tight clothes passes. Including those stupid fucking dogs that wear clothes. I haven’t even used my magic!” Axiom criticized.
“Fuck,” Bucky said, slapping himself in the side of his deer skull.
Two hours of a thousand horrible, tortured souls gnawing at their sanity, and four hours of horrible babbling and attempts to end their suffering later, the Council has regrouped in the streets outside of the tower.
“Dear god, my soul aches,” Malk complained.
“Nearly as much as your asshole, probably,” Steve said, before puking blood on the floor.
“His torture wasn’t that mad. If he made us feel like our eyes melting, he could’ve hurt us twice as bad in half as much time,” Axiom criticized.
Suddenly, Mister IAP paused, as he saw a familiar face. Ford walked down the streets, seemingly indifferent to the group. As the others argued, Mister IAP walked over to him, walked up behind him. He grabbed Ford by the neck, wrapping an arm around his throat. Mister IAP wordlessly began to strangle Ford, as the group continued arguing.
“Ax, did you need to rat us out?” Bucky asks angrily.
“You guys are really, really shit,” Axiom explained.
“She’s right. We need to kill someone soon, or we’re going to have our souls consumed.”
“How about Tim?” Bucky suggests.
“We tried that, it didn’t work. Mason?” Axiom said quickly.
“I mean…” Mizal said, before Mister IAP strode forward, throwing Ford’s dead corpse on the ground in front of them.
Mister IAP tipped his bowler hat, slightly, before tapping his cigar to get rid of the ash.
“We killed him,” Malk said. “Holy shit, we did it!”
“Mister IAP did that,” Axiom pointed out.
“”We” includes Mister IAP, so we killed him,” Mizal said. “Thank fuck for this, we were shit at this job.”
Suddenly, Axiom watched as a passing peasant’s face slipped off, the face-mask falling to the ground.
“Fuck, isn’t THAT Ford?” Axiom saks.
The group turned to watch as Ford II walked down the road. They looked to Mister IAP, who strode forward and began strangling him as well.
“So, does this count as another person, or is each Ford only half a man?” Malk asks.
Suddenly, Bucky paused, He grabbed a passing, shit-encrusted peasant, before ripping off his face, revealing under the mask was another Ford. Bucky drew his sword, ramming him through the stomach, as he grabbed another peasant, ripping off his mask to reveal a fourth Ford.
“Shit! They’re all Fords! Everyone here is a Ford!” Bucky said.
“Fuck! They are not taking the only success we’ve had from us!” Mizal said. “Kill everyone!”
The Council of Nine quickly struck, drawing their weapons and charging. Mizal swung her sword, beheading another Ford, as the Ford Hive Mind quickly realized they had been found, and began surging on the Council of Nine. Bucky charged forward, stabbing and slashing his way through the ground. Mister IAP began to punch and strangle, murdering dozens with his mighty, rotten muscles that now glistened with sweat and blood. Steve crushed Ford skulls with his mace. Malk turned into the humble Capybara, and began to bite them, taking down a handful with his venomous, but utimately pathetic bite. Axiom, disgusted with the brute nature of the others’ attacks, fired firebolts and lighting to kill her foes.
“We’re being overwhelmed!” Bucky said. “There’s so many!”
Mizal gritted her teeth as she slashed a Ford’s throat as blood sprayed across her face. There were simply too many. Mizal watched as the sun was blocked out by the endless Fords, dead and alive.
Suddenly, the Fords began to tear each other apart. Fords, dead from endless wounds, began to stand, growling as they glowed with the unearthly dark green and black power of the Reaper. The Undead King walked forward, energy flowing from his rotten hands as the dead Fords began to rise.
“The Undead King’s here!” Bucky shouted.
All the dead Fords, barring the ones that had died from Capybara venom, because obviously Capybara venom is anti-magic, and immediately turned on the living Fords. It only took minutes before the last Ford let out a scream, his throat being torn out. As soon as that happened, the Undead King’s hands stopped glowing. The zombified Fords began to collapse, their rotting corpses turning to ash. Soon, none were left.
“Undead King, you saved us!” Mizal said.
“Did I?” the Undead King said. “I wasn’t really trying to. I mean, the Soul Banisher just wanted me to wipe out the Ford Hive Mind. Saving you was coincidental.”
“Well, we killed the Fords!” Bucky said.
“Could’ve done it better,” Axiom criticized.
“Yay!” Steve said.
“Let’s head home, guys. We did it,” Mizal said.
As the sun disappeared, covering the scene of the Ford massacre with golden light. All but a small number of Ford corpses had turned to ash as the Undead King’s power being flooded into the zombified bodies ended and they turned to ash. Suddenly, the remaining Fords lying there began to rise. They looked at each other, picking up masks from the ground and placing them over. For a moment, they looked at each other, sharing a look of despair in regards to the fact that their once numerous people was only a few. Then, they turned and walked in opposite directions. They would rebuild. Thankfully, they had managed to survive and fake their death. Because Capybara’s don’t have venom! How the fuck could you even think that? You should’ve seen this coming!
Anyway, the Fords dispersed. They would rebuild.
This was beautiful xD
Just saying, I'm actually a Ford alt. We are legion. You can never get us all.
Great job. My favorite other than the Tim Axiom ship.
I'll presume only because you were mentioned in it.
Nah, because it including the man slaughter that won me the war.
Chapter VII: The South rose, is rising and will rise again
Duck Walters stared at the filthy black on his TV screen, the so called "president" of his country. He spat on the ground, as he finished bolting the last component of his device on the Dodge Charger, adorned with a beautiful red finish and a good old Confederate Flag on the top. Now, he was finished. The car was fitted with extensive technology that should, in theory, allow him to hop into another bubble of the multiverse. Now, he had yet to find out a way to determine what kind of universe he would end up in, unless he determined an identical copy of the universe he was in, except at a different time. Through this, he had created a fully functioning time machine.
He had spent a lot of hours planning what to do when he was finished. First, he wanted to give a history book and some modern weapons to the Nazi Regime, but he didn't speak German, and hated the European bastards. But there was so much more to do. So many more events to plan. The killing of Lincoln, executing John Brown, lynching Nat Turner, preventing the slaves from ever getting a chance at freedom. First, he needed allies. He already had a crate of AK-47's in the back for them. The men of the modern day were took weak and pathetic, their blood tainted. He considered Werhmacht, but he didn't speak German, that would just cause issues. No, we wanted Americans. He was going to recruit the last group of untainted, strong Americans, as too far back would lead to dialects so different it might as well be a different language. He was going to recruit the KKK.
The Dodge Charger burst from the Time Warp, skidding across the field, directly into the insurgent's camp. Dozens of white hooded men began emerging from their camps, staring at the strange vehicle. Duck emerged from the car, smiling.
"My name is Duck Walters. I am here to form an army. I am here to wage a war. I..."
"He talks like a Northern dog! Lynch him!" someone shouted.
Duck Walters screamed as a mass of white-clothed men converged on him, beating him with fury. A single Klansman stood back as the screaming Northerner was hung from a tree, instead staring at the car. She had already proven her courage by pretending to be a man to join the KKK. Would she be courageous enough to enter?
The Klansman walked forward, opened the door, got inside and began pressing buttons.
The Council of Nine, barring the Undead King, who had vanished with a local witch at a pie shop, and Ivy, who was still missing, presumably dead, or searching for a unicorn, or whatever, stood in front of Will.
"We're going to murder you," Malk said, for the fourth time.
"I'd rather you didn't," the man said.
"The Soul Banisher needs to feed. We have to," Bucky said.
"I'd really prefer if you didn't, but if you need to, that's OK," Will said.
"You... you do realize you could run, right? You could clearly flee," Mizal suggested.
"I'd enjoy fleeing and surviving, but you guys wouldn't like that. One person would be happy, six would be sad. That's hardly fair now, is it?"
"But... you could just flee. You have no sense of self-preservation," Ax criticized.
"Sorry," Will said.
"Fuck, wait one sec, will you?" Mizal said, before motioning for a group huddle.
"We need to kill him," Steve said.
"He's so nice," Bucky said.
"We need to!" Axiom said.
"But he's so nice!" Bucky said. "Will contributes to the libraries, he should be spared!"
"Bucky raises a fair point," Malk admitted.
"Don't argue! I'm barely able to muster the hate to ask to kill him, and I'm nothing but hate!" Steve complained. "What if he's fled while we were talking, idiots!"
The group looked over their shoulders in unison.
"Shit, he's knitting us sweaters," Malk moaned.
"Fuck it, is he so nice for us to be tortured by the Soul Banisher again?" Axiom asked.
"Yes," Mizal, Malk and Bucky said, as Mister IAP nodded vigorously.
"Fuck it, spare him," Ax said, as Steve slowly nodded.
"Will, you can go now. We're not going to murder you," Mizal shouted.
"Oh, thanks!" Will said. "I made sweaters!"
"Yeah, we saw, just... just fucking mail them to us or something," Mizal said, frustrated.
"The stitching's shit," Axiom criticized, as Will walked away.
"Well, what now?" Malk asked. "We need to kill someone!"
"Mason?" Bucky suggested.
"Ti..?" Steve suggested, before Axiom frantically interrupted.
"Uh, yeah Mason. That was what you were going to say, right Steve? Yeah, you were."
Suddenly a car burst out of the Time Warp, swerving along the street. Someone completely covered in white sheets leaned out the driver's window, holding what looked like a bizarre crossbow. The figure began firing its bizarre crossbow, as it exploded like a Staff of Fire without need for magic or reloading. Dozens of villagers wer struck, collapsing as bullets flew through their body.
"What the fuck is that?" Malk asked, as a group of Fords' heads exploded by a volley of flaming metal.
"Do... do we kill it?" Bucky asked.
"Kill everything. That's just a general rule in life," Steve said, hefting his mace up.
"He... or she... or it... is killing villagers. Surely that's a plus, right?" Bucky asked.
"I... I feel vaguely attracted to it," Malk said. "I really, really hope it's female."
Suddenly, the strange, horseless carriage began driving through the double doors of one of the libraries. She crashed through the wooden wall at the other side, books smashing into the front of the car as she rolled over them.
"Fuck, the books! You guys didn't do enough to protect them," Axiom criticized as she levitated into the air, her hands setting alight as lightning runs through them.
"Alright, kill her!" Mizal said. "The Soul Banisher will love us if we take out someone this powerful."
The Council of Nine charged forward. Steve raised his mace, before the car smashed into him, sending him tumbling over the bonnet with a groan. Malk jumped into the air, changing into his bestial form as he landed on the hood of the car. He slid immediately off, because Capybara don't have like claws or anything, they have like... I don't know, webbed feet, or some shit, not designed for holding onto anything, because they're fucking useless. Mizal rolled to avoid being hit by the car, slashing at the driver, as blood sprayed out of an expertly inflicted wound, staining her white sheets red. The KKK member slammed on the breaks, roaring as she pointed her gun directly at Mizal.
"Eat shit, pointy-eared mongrel!" she shouted, before writhing in pain as Axiom shot electricity through the car's metal chassis.
The KKK member slammed on the accelerator, driving forward. Bucky yelped as he rolled under the car, grabbing onto it's underbelly.
"Fuck, is this also metal!?" Bucky complained. "Beasts are supposed to have weak underbellies, not more fucking metal!"
Still, Bucky began to stab the monster in the belly, as it bleed horrible, black liquid over him. Bucky lost his grip, immediately going under a tire, which miraculously, by the will of some cruel, god of assholes, only did damage to his genitalia. Steve swung his mace, smashing through the car's window and showering the KKK member with glass, she swerved as she lost control of the wheel, allowing Mister IAP to drive inside the vehicle, immediately beginning to beat the ever-loving shit out of the KKK member, to a literal extent when she ended up shitting upon death, only to be revived by the sheer pain of being continuously beaten by the zombified super-masculine and manly man.
As the car swerved as Mister IAP continued his beating of the racist, Axiom destroyed the roof of the car with a bolt of fire, setting the interior alight. Mister IAP, his rotting flesh lighting quickly as he leapt out of the car and quickly finding a nearby barrel of plot-convenient water.
The car, having lost it's oil, it's driver being semi-dead and literally on fire, quickly crashed into a wall. The KKK member attempted to reverse away, but quickly reversed into another wall. Mizal lept onto the car, just beyond the reach of the flames, looking at the KKK member.
"Who are you?" she asked.
The KKK member didn't answer, instead immediately raising her gun and firing. Mizal took a bullet in the arm, yelling before with her other hand she drove the sword through the KKK member's chest. The KKK member roared, and with her dying breath slammed on the machine's controls. The car drove forward, knocking Mizal off. It sped towards the main library's stone walls, but before it could smash into it, it disappeared in a purple vortex.
"Shit, did she escape?" Bucky asked.
"No. That sword wound will have killed her in less than a minute. We've won," Mizal said.
"Could've just beheaded her. That would've been a lot easier, wouldn't have risked the library," Axiom criticized.
"Let's just go tell the Soul Banisher. Steve, stop looting villager corpses. Mister IAP, out of the bucket. Somebody find the fucking capybara."
Fortunately, not once did the Soul Banisher interrupt the story with visions of their deaths, or worse yet their births, or reveal to them the horrible secrets about their souls that dwelt so deep in their mind their consciousness had yet to learn about them.
Unfortunately, when Mizal finished recounting the story, the Soul Banisher released a sound akin to the dying screams of a billion souls, akin to the cackling laughter of mad gods, akin to the terrifying howling of the creatures that had yet to break the laws of reality and enter their realm.
Basically, the Soul Banisher let out a dramatic sigh.
"Do you hate me?" he asked. "I pray hope you do, for at least that would show you're actually passionately succeeding at making me feel bad."
"No, master, of course not!" they all replied, already dropping to their knees to beg for a mercy that wasn't coming.
"You failed to kill one of CYStia's enemies. You're failures," the Soul Banisher complained again.
"But we killed her!" Malk said, before the Soul Banisher forced him to feel the pain of being sodomized by a hundred horses. He screamed, hoping the group didn't notice how much he was enjoying it.
"She lived, you imbeciles! She escaped before she died"
"But I stabbed her! She wouldn't have been able to survive more than ten seconds!" Modal said frantically.
"She got away in a fucking time machine! She fled to a billion years of the future!"
"So?" Steve asked, as the Soul Banished set him on fire with malevolent spirits of heat and destruction writhing through his body.
"So, she won't be dead for another billion years and ten seconds! Are you seriously fucking telling me you got me a soul to feast on, but I'll have to wait over a billion years?!"
"Uh..." Mizal said, scratching her head.
"If I had chosen that bitch as my champion, I could be feast on the souls of all those villagers she killed! But I chose you idiots, and I have nothing!"
The Soul Banished had once taught himself omniscient, but realized he couldn't be. If he was, he'd have been able to fathom how a group of supposedly terrifying villains could be so absolutely shit.
See, this kind of shit is the reason why, if you have a multiverse machine, you travel to the universe where another version of you with a multiverse machine successfully did all the things that you were planning to do when you got there. Don't leave your success up to chance, or racist mongrels will grab your shit and become moderately embroiled in the affairs of an evil organization in Medieval Psuedo-Europe from the far corners of the internet! Then Were-Baras will be raped by hell-horses, and nobody on this side of Deviantart wants that shit to happen!
Cleary you inspired Steve.
He looks up to you, you know.
My favorite part of these is still all the asides on the uselessness of capybaras.
Chapter VIII: A (literally) dying medium
"Ok, stay with me here: newspapers!" Malk said proudly, as Steve nodded vigorously.
"Why would I want to make a newspaper with you guys? One of you is a shitty excuse for a mammal that constantly shits itself, has no grasp of language and just generally looks disgusting, the other is Malk," Axiom criticized.
"Come on! You'd give great reviews! Some people would probably kill themselves when it happens, and we'd be able to please the Soul Banisher."
"Fuck off. Newspapers aren't books, I don't make them," Axiom said.
Mister IAP, immediately over-hearing this, paused. He immediately grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill, and began sketching a plan. After about a minute, he finished, handing it over to Axiom, who smiled as she read it.
"Yes... this is perfect," she grinned. "This can give us the chance to get power over the Council instead of those fools Mizal and Bucky. We need more men than us. Malk, Steve!"
As he two young men looked at her, they looked like chess pieces. Specifically, pawns.
"I want to do the newspaper! But if we want to do it right, we need to eliminate our competition: the CYS Weekly."
Axiom, Mister IAP, Malk and Steve stood outside the CYS Weekly's printing presses, where the paper's writers, journalists, interviewers, managers and illustrators would be working inside.
The plan was simple. Board up the exits to the building, and burn the ever-loving shit out of it. Although the building's walls, roof and floors were stone, that wasn't what the group would burn. No, they would burn the stacks of newspapers waiting to be delivered the next day, turning the building into a massive wick.
The group was entirety prepared for the task. Axiom held a wand of fire balls in her left hand and a scroll of Fire Elementals in the other. Steve had a sack of jars of fuel, helpfully bought from local jar trader, as well as a dozen torches on him. Malk, already in beast form, was covered in oil, ready to be set alight and thrown into a stack of papers. Although Malk had been against the plan, once someone had found tree bark to coax out his beast form, he lost what little intelligence he had and became a complacent Capybara. Mister IAP, already terrified of fire after nearly burning to a second death after he was set alight in the fight against the White Menace. He just chewed his cigar, staying back.
The group quickly began hammering boards over the building'a exits. The knocking of hammers against nails caught the attention of those inside, who opened the doors after they got confused and assumed someone was knocking on the door to be let in. Axiom had prepared a long, extensive lie to convince them they weren't going to murder them by locking them inside, but they just immediately went back inside when they realized no one was knocking on the door. Axiom's expectations had been so, so fucking low, but she still over-estimated them.
Soon, the building was finally boarded up conpletely, with the sole exception of a single entry point to the newspaper storage area.
"Let's burn some shit," Steve grinned, as they entered the room.
"Alright, focus on the biggest bundles. Don't bother with the small piles. The fire should spread rapidly... where the fuck are the papers?" Axiom said, staring at the massive, empty room. "Oh, for fuck's sake, I overestimated them again. They haven't printed a single fucking paper."
"Well, that means our newspaper can have a stranglehold on the market, right? We'll be a monopoly!" Steve said , cheerfully.
"Steve, shut the fuck up. I'm not doing your newspaper. You're a fag, not even a full one, a half one."
Mister IAP sighed, tilting his head down in disappointment, his sudden movement dispelling some ash from his cigar. The falling embers and ash quickly hit the Capybara. The capybara immediately went up in flames. The fire set Mister IAP's dry, rotten body alight. The flames quickly burned Steve's bag to ashes and lit his torches, as the bottles of fuel smashed into he ground and set alight. The long robes, dry wooden wand and ancient, dry parchment Axiom set alight, as the group quickly set alight.
The Soul Banisher considered having the burned fools dragged to him to be healed and set alight again, but ultimately decided it wasn't worth his time. God, he needed to find some new champions. Maybe the KCJ, or some trained trolls, or even a fucking pack of cat-men. As long as he didn't have to deal with these fucking idiots.
'Local jar trader' XD
Keep coming out with these. I love them.
I still haven't decided whether it's funnier to give you a chapter like other people have gotten, make you a huge, manipulating villain or just barely reference you at all.
Hahaha go for the manipulative villain route. I'd like to see where that goes.
Pffh, obviously you'd prefer that. Barely mentioning you is funny because you're the only person who has wanted to be an (intended) victim in this.
Why do you make me suffer. ;_;
Ahahahaha, Steve is on a roll today.
What about me
Ahahaha okay this was pretty great.
Chapter IX: Evolution vs Creation
The figure walked into the gates, keeping his hood over his face and looking at the ground. The guards were high strung, as always. The arrival of some long gone peasant hero, a Wulven warrior of little note, had drawn an unnerving amount of people to the front gate.
He easily slipped through, using a spell of invisibility to slip past the guards. When he found himself walking down the street towards his tavern of choice, the Gan Aistriúchán Torthaí, and pushed the doors open. The bar keeper noticed him immediately, knocking twice against the wooden counter, the pre-prepared symbol. The figure walked forward, stopping at the bar.
"I want a..." he began to say the code, before being interrupted.
"You think I don't yet recognize you, old friend? The Blue Wizard, as I live and breath" Set said. "Everyone else is already here. Let me just put one of the tavern whores at the counter. Thara! You're on duty!"
Thara, mid-horribly graphic sex act involving apples, nodded. Set quickly led to the back room of the tavern, lifting up the rug to reveal a trap door. He opened it, leading the Blue Wizard down to the secret chambers. The rest were already there.
The Storm Mage stood in the corner, lightning crackling around her. She hadn't said anything for a few hours, but as soon as her name was said, she snapped into existence.
"Storm Mage. Good to see you," the Blue Wizard said.
"Likewise, blue," the Storm Mage replied.
Next was Cutty. The killer was covered in blood, with a stench that filled the room. The blue wizard continued questioning why, before shaking his head as he realized he didn't want to know.
Finally, there was the Cat. The girl, although not a furry par say, was cloaked in a large cat skin. She was here for her allies among the beastmen. She leaned against the wall, a bone dagger held tightly in her hand.
"Good, we're all here," the Blue Wizard said. "We all know why we're here. I have been betrayed. We've been pushed from our perch, replaced by the corrupt Council of Nine. We need to strike. We need to wipe them out."
"How?" the Cat responded.
"We utilize what we have. The Cat will make contact with the beastmen. We'll get them on our side," the Blue Wizard said.
"We're opening the city to beastmen?" the Cat asks, somewhat hopefully.
"They can be... disposed once I regain my power," the Blue Wizard said. "Then, we capture some trolls. Equip them with armor and some weapons. They should be easily controlled. I'm just as happy to have them killed once we take power. Finally, we rile up the masses of idiots. The Tim's, the Jar makers, the Ford Hive Mind. We get them to help us march on the Council's tower. We hang them out to dry, sparing no one."
"What about Mister IAP?" the Cat asked.
"Obviously we spare him. I mean, he's like a dick version of Will, and a dick version of Will is still super nice. So, are we in?" the Blue Wizard said.
The group put their hands in the center.
"For the KCJ," they said in unison.
"Time to create an army. We'll destroy the Council of Nine," the Blue Wizard said. "I bet they're living it up in that tower. Enjoy it while it lasts."
The Soul Banisher watched as he revived his forces once again. The constant need to... reanimate the foolish, pathetic shit-heads was finally beginning. Had the Soul Banisher been willing to devote even a fraction more energy to reanimating the Council, they'd come out normal. But seriously... fuck those guys.
The Soul Banisher watched as the Council of Nine writhed in the massive pool of black ichor. The first to arise was Bucky. The figure levitated up, the flesh change taking place. The humanoid figure rose into the air, levitating upwards. Chunks of flesh began to rapidly rot. Soon, the entirety of his flesh had rotten away, leaving a floating deer skull with glowing purple eyes. It had a faint, almost invisible purple body of coursing magic. Bucky landed on the ground next to the pool, walking on it's new, semi-magic limbs.
"What... what the fuck happened by body?" he asked. "Where's my penis? Oh for fuck's sake, why didn't you just let me die?!"
"You failed! Again! And again! And again!" the Soul Banisher yelled. "You couldn't even kill Msrcl190! How shit are you?!"
The Soul Banisher sent Bucky into convulsions, as Mizal began to claw her way out. Her once Elvish frame was now horribly mutated, her skin now grey and thick, her muscles now massive, her frame now that of a Troll.
"Ah, fuck!" Mizal complained, as Bucky burst into laughter.
"Oh fuck, you're a troll!" Bucky laughed.
"You have no penis," Mizal replied, looking at her thick, grey fingers.
"Now we're both hurt," Bucky said, frowning.
Next to appear was Malk. He crawled out of the goo, panting for breath.
"All of me hurts..." he complained, before noticing his companions. "What... what the fuck happened you?"
"Why did Malk not get mutated?" Bucky complained loudly.
"Oh, he's hasn't. His body is nothing but tumors. Literally, by mass, he's 40% tumors. He's going to be in constant pain. He'll be unable to eat... or shit... or piss... or do anything. Unless in his tumor-free, Capybara form.
"I... you should've just let me die," Malk said, collapsing onto his face.
The next to crawl out was Mister IAPS. The tuxedo-clad zombie pulled himself from the black ichor, wiping it off him. He walked forward, before pausing. He slowly inserted a finger into his mouth, before pausing.
"Huh... my tongue's back," he said.
"Oh, fantastic! He got a tongue, I can't poop!" Malk cried.
"Yeah right, because the worst thing about the fact that your asshole is blocked up is that you can't get stuff OUT of there," Steve said, surfacing from the pool.
Where once, Steve's left arm was, now there was a long, green snake, with a pair of sharp fangs, venom dripping from them.
"Hey, what happened you guys? Fuck, who cares, I have a snake arm!" Steve said happily, walking forward.
"Oh come on!" Malk said, as Steve happily trotted forward.
"Snake arm, kill Malk!" Steve said happily, before staring at his arm in confusion. "It's not doing what I asked."
"Obviously, dumbass. It has it's own brain," Malk said.
Suddenly, the snake struck, it's fangs immediately sinking into Steve's testicles. Steve screamed, as he felt venom begin to be pumped into his genitals.
"Oh god! It hates me! The snake arm hates me!" Steve screamed.
Steve collapsed on the tiles, writhing in pain.
Finally, Axiom rose from the black ichor. She looked perfectly normal, as the rest stared at her.
"Tumors? Does she have tumors? Tell me she's filled with tumors," Mizal said.
"Uh... yeah. Must be. I need to go," Axiom said.
Axiom quickly turned and sprinted out of the room, leaving the other members standing there. Steve looked at Mister IAP, holding the snake's fangs just away from his genitals with his remaining hand.
"So... I told you a lot of stuff knowing you wouldn't be able to tell anyone. You're... you're not going to, right?"
Mister IAP turned, walking off.
"You're not, right?" Steve shouted, running after her.
Mizal and Bucky stared at each other as Malk turned into a Capybara, wandering off, his last onces of brainpower wondering how the Capybara came about, as it's impossible it evolved as it's so fucking useless it would've been driven extinct as soon as it's ancestor became even a tenth as shit, whilst no loving God would've created it.
"So... I'm just saying, I'd still bone you," Bucky said.
"You don't even have a penis," Mizal said, turning and walking off to find a way to kill herself.
Wait, who's the storm Mage?
Aww..but I'm supposed to be neutral in this xD
Who said anything about you? Every character in my story is my own creation, with the exception of the Council of Nine and Tim.
Sorry, sorry. I mean I envision Set as the neutral one who stays out of the drama.
Why would Thara do anything for blue wizards that she never particularly cared for?
She just works in a bar. The fact that it's also where the Blue Wizard assembles his crew is coincidental.
Nah, you're just working at Set's bar. No one said anything about you doing anything for the blue wizard :P
I mean, not for free.
I'm just..gonna try not to think about that...o.o
See, things like that make me question whether you're 18, or in fact 9.
Well then, please continue. I only hope that she redeems herself by laughing when their plans eventually fail, fingers crossed for the defeat of the KCJ in this tale :D
Pretty sure she'll just continue doing graphic sex acts for apples.
She's as pure as the driven snow, she probably doesn't even know what swears are.
I've never seen yellow snow before :l
Sheltered princess life ftw doe.
Chapter X: Nazi Punks Fuck off
The time machine slammed into a wall, sending the KKK member flying through the air, bouncing off the wall, smacking into the car bonnet and landing on the ground. She let out a desperate gasp, before groaning and feeling the life flood out of her.
The KKK member felt life surge through her veins. She looked up at the masked teams of surgeons surrounding her.
“Wh… what happened?” she asked.
“We found you in an ancient vehicle. You were mere minutes from death,” one of the scientists said. “We use nanotechnology to cure your…”
The KKK member stopped listening, as she noticed something. Every single of of the surgeon’s had light brown skin.
“Your skin. You’re all ni… brown,” she exlaimed.
“Well, yes. Whites haven’t existed for centuries. The races have all merged into a beautiful…”
“Yeah, yeah,” the KKK member urged. “Where’s my gun, do you know?”
“Oh, here,” the surgeon offered, holding out the gun as the KKK member took it eagerly. “We haven’t seen weapons in our lives. We’ve found a new, pacifistic society where weapons aren’t necessary.”
“So, you don’t have weapons?” the KKK member asked incredulously.
“No,” the surgeons proclaimed.
“Well. This’ll be easy, “ the KKK member smiled.
The car drove through to another universe, as the KKK member looked out the window, her gun ready. No dinosaurs. That was good. No sentient penises flying around trying to find vaginas where none existed. That was also good. This was definitely one of the better universes. Sadly, she didn’t see those bastards who nearly killed her, so revenge wasn’t hers yet.
She watched as a massive metal contraption appeared atop the hill. It was painted dull green with a Templer cross on the side. A hatch on it opened, with a head popping out.
“Civillian! Move your wagon! I have a mission to do!” he shouted in a thick German accent. “I must get this tank…”
“What the fuck is your wagon?” the KKK member asked.
“My wagon! How dare you, ma’am! This is the Panzerkamp…”
“Shut the fuck up, would you? Christ, I stopped caring already. Is that big thing a gun?”
“A gun!? This is a 7.5 cm Kampfwagenkanone 40 d…!”
“Shut it! Is that a yes?”
“Yes!” the tank commander shouted indignantly.
“Fantastic! Give it to me!” the KKK member asked.
“Give it to…” the tank commander said, aghast. “I’d sooner slice off my own testicles, cram it down the barrel and fire it up my mother than I would relinquish my Pan…!”
“Look, I need to go kill some of the inferior races, you can either…!”
“You want to kill the inferior races. Like the Jews, yes?”
“Yeah,” the KKK member said.
“Yes, yes! I will help you kill the Jews!” the Tank commander said. “I hate the Jews!”
“I… sure, whatever. I need to kill some other fucks first.”
“How far away are they?” the tank commander asks.
“They’re… look, I don’t know. This wagon I’m driving does some crazy shit. It travels to different worlds. I reckon if I tie your tank…”
“Shut it! I’ll tie your tank to the back of this, and it should teleport with me.”
“What? How would that work? What scie…?”
The KKK member fired a burst of lead at the tank commander, who shrieked and ducked back inside the tank as bullets thudded around him.
“Alright! I need to just confirm this with my crew. I have four crew besides myself, a g…”
After another round of bullets, the Tank commander finally shut up.
“Now, I’ll find some rope. Then, vengeance.”
Axiom stood in front of a mirror, staring at herself in the mirror.
“I’m a monster,” she said to herself in pure disgust.
“You’re perfect! Don’t change!” a voice replied.
“I’m going to end it all,” she said, raising a dagger.
“Life’s good, but I still respect your decision! You’re super smart!” the voice said.
“Fuck, it’s so blunt. Doesn’t anyone make good knives anymore?” Axiom crticized.
“That’s knife’s so sharp! I sure wouldn’t want to get stabbed with it!” the voice said.
Axiom tucked her hair behind her ear, revealing a tiny, smiling face on the side of her neck. It smiled eagerly at Axiom.
“Hi! It’s good to see through your face again! You’re super pretty!”
“I hate you so, so much. I envy Malk and his tumors,” Axiom said bitterly.
The door was booted open, as Mizal came through the door, her bulky body smashing apart the door frame.
“Axiom, we…! What are you doing?” Mizal asked.
“Nothing!” Axiom said frantically, covering the tiny face with her hair again.
“Super job! I bet she can’t even see me!” the tiny face said.
“Ummm… I’m not getting involved,” Mizal said. “Just follow me!”
Axiom followed Mizal out to the tower living room, stopping immediately as she watched the situation. Malk, in full bestial form, was in the jaws of Steve’s snake arm, only his capybara head popping out. Mister IAP gripped his Capybara paws… or feet… they’re, like, webbed feet, for some reason, even though he’s literally no where near the fucking ocean. You populate fucking savannas, you shit heads, trying to pull the Capybara out. Steve smiled happily as his snake arm continued devouring Malk. Bucky stood in the corner, or hovered, watching the events.
“Hey, guys. Come to watch?” Bucky asked.
“What the fuck is going on?” Axiom asked.
“Snake Steve is eating Malk, because apparently Capybara are rodents, and snakes like those,” Steve said, grinning.
“Why the fuck are you even smiling?” Mizal said, as Snake Steve continued eating.
Snake Steve’s mouth reached halfway up Malk’s head. The Capybara activated it’s natural defenses, releasing a spray of venom as using it’s powerful back legs to spring free, wh… Oh, wait. No, my bad. The Capybara just sat there, doing nothing to resist, because it’s fucking shit.
“One, fuck Malk, and two, this is literally the first time all weak that Snake Steve hasn’t been biting me.”
Axiom set Steve on fire, as Mizal strode forward and grabbed Malk, pulling him free of Snake Steve, whose fangs immediatley sunk back into Steve’s flesh.
“Well done, Mizal! You too, Mister IAP!” Axiom’s tiny face said.
“What?” Mister IAP siad, raising a rotten eyebrow.
“Uh… Well done, Mizal! You too, Mister IAP!” Axiom said in a sarcastic tone. “You could’ve done that without be! Well done on bothering me, assholes!”
“For fuck’s sake, what have we become?!” Mizal said. “We’re monsters!”
“We were always monsters,” Mister IAP said, as the Capybara just fucking sat there, doing absolutely nothing.
“You’re right! We need to go murder some people! We need to be evil! We need to be the Council of Nine!”
“Good speech,” Axiom’s tiny face said.
“What?” Mizal asked, confused by what she assumed was another criticism from Axiom.
“I said… oh, go fuck yourself!” Axiom said, heading back to her room to find a belt sander. Then, she could grind that little bastard off her neck and…
“That’s a super idea! I wouldn’t survive a sand grinder to the face!”
“Oh for fuck’s sake…”
Oh great. It could read her thoughts. Fuckin’ Tiny Face.
She became a troll, and troll's are big! Goddammit, Bucky, stay up to date with lore!
Bucky is also a ghost that has no penis.
A ghost? A ghost?! A GHOST?! Goddamn it, Tim, he's not a ghost! His physical consciousness has been reduced to that in his skull helmet, whilst his body remains vaguely incorporeal. He's not a fucking ghost! STOP BEING CONFUSED ABOUT THE WORLD I'M TRYING TO BIRTH!
Ahahaha, that was great.
The tiny face can also type! D:
I don't think belt sanders exist in this era though. I guess Ax will need access to that time machine.
Era? Mizal, this is a world where an omniscient Eldritch abomination runs a castle in a town of magic and wonder. Don't ascribe your stupid logic here. There grinding technology is really far ahead of all their other technology.
Okay then. Although the doctor says you must have a recommended dose of Mason in your stories.
Since you are parodying users ideas that other user may erroneously believe to be other users, is it possible that other users may believe that the tiny face or the Nazi may be mistakably believed to be members on this site? For example, could the Nazi somehow be Raven47 for some odd reason since he likes tanks despite the fact that he is not a troll, or is the tiny face simply Axiom's evil subconscious that has manifested into the most vile of all things for her since you said Axiom is Axiom instead of somebody who could not possibly be Axiom despite the fact that everybody knows a person named Axiom is Axiom due to clear signs that your Axiom is in the appearance of and has the personality of the helpful user we all know as Axiom.
I'm unfamiliar with this "Raven". Are you referring to the work of Poe? I wouldn't parody such a genius, and insulted you would even imply that. I included the Nazis in this entirely for the reason that I would be able to name a chapter after a great song. Users may believe whatever they want because they're retarded, but it doesn't change anything else.
Axiom is based on real Axiom. I've said before, I based the Council of Nine, as well as Tim, on real people.
That is my name.
Coincidental. Tim was based on SillierWizard.
You mean that guy at the bottom of the screen?
ThEy guy at the bottom of the screen? Jesus, show some respect. That's as bad as if I called End "that dude who wrote that one story".
I thought End was "that mod that wrote multiple stories".
That Wehrmacht or Waffen-SS tank commander in a Panzer IV... is definitely NOT me. Because I only like their stuff, and not their ideology.
Would be better if Steve mentioned the Nazis as Waffen-SS though since they are more fanatical and loyal to the Nazi regime rsther than the Wehrmacht. And did even more war crimes.
Obviously. If you think you're the tank commander, you're so narcisstic you must see yourself in everything.
Then I couldn't have the title "Nazi Punks Fuck Off".
Chapter XI: Dude, where’s my Aussie?
The Council walked alongside the dirt road. A group of immigrants walked along the words towards them.
“So… do we kill them?” Bucky asked, levitating into the air to look around. “I don’t see anyone else nearby. We could just wipe them out with ease, the King could raise ‘em up again.
“Why is the Undead King even here? Why are we even here? This is stupid,” Axiom complained.
“He’s here to make sure we don’t all die. We haven’t been out beyond the walls of CYS in ages. It’s dangerous,” Mizal said.
“I’m here to wipe out the build-up of beastmen in the surrounding areas. Keeping you guys alive is just a potential benefit,” the Undead King replied.
“Potential as in you might not save us, or in that it might not be a benefit?” Bucky asked.
“Both,” the Undead King said. “Keeping people alive is hardly my specialty. Pretty much the exact opposite. Let’s interrogate these dickwads.”
The Undead King drew an obsidian sword, glowing with green, necromantic energies from his sheath. The immigrants drew their pathetic area of bronze and iron weapons, as the others prepared for a fight.
“Who are you?” the Undead King demanded.
“We’re… we’re simple f-farmers,” the head immigrant stuttered in terror.
“Where from?” Mizal asked.
“The Grand Cogian Republic,” the farmer siad.
The group spat on the ground and swore.
“Those bastards have interred me every time I visited there!” Steve complained, as his snake arm spat on the ground.
“Why are you fleeing?” Mister IAPS asked.
“We’re fleeing persecution! The Grand Cogstian Republic is neither grand nor a republic, but a sick lie! We attempted to argue about the city’s supports of transformation magic to create shapeshifter guards! Not even argue, really, we just asked if it was really the best course of action, and even then we were leaning towards suppor…”
“OK, I’ve stopped caring. Just hurry the fuck up. There’s a lot of bandits, trolls and beastmen about.”
“Isn’t that a troll?” the immigrant asked, pointing to Mizal.
“Fuck you!” Mizal said. “Get the fuck out of here before we kill you all, dickwads!”
The immigrants hurried up on their journey to Cystia, as the Council of Nine continued on theirs.
“Can we speed up? I don’t like being out here,” Bucky complained.
“It’s Malk. He’s so fucking slow, because he’s a fucking Capybara,” Axiom criticized.
Actually, the Capybara has a top speed of thirty five kilometres per hour. They also have tiny brains so they keep wandering off, as Malk is doing, because they’re fucking Capybaras.
"Alright, let's keep... Beastmen on the Eastern Flank!" Bucky said.
They looked up to see the beastmen approaching. Most were armored feline warriors, charging forward with swords and axes as they roared. The Council of Nine jumped into action, preparing to fight.
Bucky levitated above a charging cat, breaking the feline's neck with a magical strike. Axiom unleashed a wave of flames that burst into a bunch of beasts. Malk just kind of blended in with the beastmen, who didn't harm a fellow animal. Mister IAPs punched the living shit out of the animals. Mizal crushed the horde of beastmen with her troll strength, Steve quickly found his snake devouring the head of a ratling, while he joyfully crushed the skull of a warrior feline. Endmaster stepped back and watched as he raised those who had fell, undead beings of fur, fang, claw and dead flesh striking at their kin.
Suddenly, a figure appeared at the edge of the forest. The woman, dressed in cat furs, held a bone dagger in her hands. She let out a howl, and the beastmen immediately begun retreating back towards the woods. The group watched as they dispersed, looking at the dozens of corpses that surrounded them, all collapsing to the ground as End stopped controlling them.
"Well... that was simple. We killed a lot of them. Let's head back," Mizal said.
In the far distance, Steve noticed a man with long, golden, flowing hair riding across the horizon, atop a beautiful, pure white uniform.
"Is that... Ivy?" Steve asked.
"IVY!" Axiom yelled.
Quickly, the noble prince rode his unicorn off into the sunset, not even noticing them.
"We need to go get Ivy!" Axiom said.
"No... he'll come back on his own. Some day," Mizal said.
With that, the Council of Nine turned and began returning home, hoping one day, their Aussie would return.
There are mistakes in this newest one.
Also, wouldn't it be the Council of Eight now?
No, Tim. You are confused.
Can we count Axiom's little face and your snake? :P
Ivy does not ride a pure white 'uniform', omg edit more you scrub.
What else would he ride? His unicorn has been killed. Read up on lore.
People apparently also walk along words.
He had unicorn insurance.
And I'm sorry he didn't deign to say hello to you this morning, but I think we all know why that is.
Chapter XII: The Wages Of Sin Is Undeath?
By the end of that year, the Council of Nine were all dead. General Lacker had been the first to go. Despite being a nation dedicated to literature, no one recorded how he died. With Pumas, Jaguars, Ocelots, Humans, Caimans, Eagles and Snakes being their predators, the fact that... look, you read the other chapters, I don't need to explain why no one was surprised the Capybara died or even bothered to record it. Mizal was executed as per the Anti-Troll Laws she has pushed for in her pre-transformation days. Axiom was next, due to a tragic case of suicide. The words "TINY FACE" were scrawled onto the walls in her blood. It's rumored that during the entire burial process a voice came from the casket complementing the casket and flower arrangement. Ivy was killed after a traffic incident where his unicorn stopping abruptly sent him tumbling onto `the creature's horn. Steve was the next to go, ODing at Ivy's funeral. Misters IAP and Bucky were buried simultaneously. One being a zombie and one being a floating skull, the CYStians decided that the two were dead and tried to bury them in large metal coffins. In the ensuing fight as the two found themselves incapable of explaining that they were only technically dead, many died, but Mister IAP and Bucky were entombed. Thus, the Council of Nine was gone, it's only two active members being the Undead King and a being so ancient it regarded the Grim Reaper as a youthful fancy.
The Soul Banisher asked the Undead King not to revive the other Council Members. Instead, he decided to let the nation rest from their foolish attempts at progress. Without the Council of Nine, the city evolved to a happier place. The parks were expanded to allow children to play, discrimination based on intelligence came to an end and peace was restored. Despite these great strides forward and people generally being happier, issues arose. Without the council, the Grand Library suffered. Writers were able to create whatever they wanted no matter how terrible without fear of punishment from the Nine. Scribes and other workers abandoned their roles to play in the parks. The libraries were forgotten.
Eventually, the Soul Banisher grew jealous and angry. With Shub-Niggurath getting its band back together and Tsathoggua reviving its champion, the Soul Banisher grew saddened. It had no minions to play around with, no allies to berate, no souls to feast upon. Eventually, the day came when it ordered the Undead King down to the morgues.
As Axiom's senses were ignited with pain, she heard a voice in the back of her mind.
"Aw swell, that was a good revival!" Tiny Face said.
Unfortunately, the coffin was too small to allow Axiom the space to jam her nails into Tiny Face, but whacking her head against the coffin would have to do. She felt blood drip down her nose as it broke against the hard wood coffin. Any pain would be worth it to dampen Tiny Face's spir...
"Wow! This is a great casket! So study!"
Axiom felt a part of her soul die, devoured by that fucking face. The coffin opened, revealing the Undead King standing there.
"Ah for fuck's sake! Why did you revive us? You're the worst ally there's ever been!" Axiom criticized, looking around at her revived comrades who had sat up in their coffins.
"Haven't we earned the right to die?" Steve asked as Snake Steve hissed in agreement.
"Die? DIE? I would've loved to die! But I was stuck in that fucking coffin forever! I was alive the whole time! Why did no one try rescue me?"
The Undead King looked at him, before shrugging.
"Find your weapons. Get to work," he said.
"Doing what? Why have we been revived again?"
"Enslave those who worked in the libraries. Get them back to work. Kill the Beastmen, the Trolls and the Foreigners who have taken refuge in the city. Just do what you always do," the Undead King said, before turning to leave.
The Undead King paused, looking back.
"Actually, you guys always fail. Don't do what you always do. Do better."
With that, the Undead King left them, and Mizal, Ivy, Steve, Axiom, Malk, Mister IAP and Bucky began to plan. The Council of Nine had work to do.
Yeah, but if we kill someone off permanently and they do something stupid the next day, I can't write about them being stupid.
Not if there's a particular league of super-idiots who have a messianic paladin in place of a Banisher. But that might make death meaningless... Then again, banishment is sort of meaningless around here anyway, so you'd be making an important political statement.
Chapter XIII: What the fuck is that and why is it here?
Steve, Mizal, Malk, Bucky, Axiom and Mister IAP sat in the council chambers, planning.
"Set? No one likes Set. We just go in their, bash his brains in, get out," Steve said.
"After we do kinky stuff to his corpse!" Malk said.
"Malk, stop suggesting that. You're getting me shot down."
"Fuck you, Steve, we're not killing Set. You're the only one here who hates him."
"What about Thara?" Mizal asks.
"That's stupid, the Undead King would kill us," Axiom criticized, as everyone wondered if they heard a quiet voice commend Mizal's plan."
"The Penguin?" Mister IAP suggested.
"Uh, don't even get me started on the penguin!" Mizal said.
"What about the depressing bald guy?" Wibbins suggested.
"Holy fucking shit!" said Bucky, toppling out of his seat as he stared at the small girl standing in the corner. "Who the fuck is that and how long has she been standing there?"
"That's Wibbins," Mizal said. "She's my Wibbins."
"Hi," said Wibbins.
"What the fuck is a Wibbins and why do you have one?" Steve said, pointing his mace at the Wibbins.
"I'm a Wibbins," Wibbins said.
"She's... she's..." Malk said, as his eyes locked into Wibbins'.
Now knowing what else to do, Malk shit himself and turned into a Capybara, before shitting himself again.
"Fuck! That's my couch! Why can't I have nice things?!" Mister IAP shouted.
"I miss when you couldn't talk. Now you just bitch," Mizal said venomously.
"Oh, oh! We could kill Wibbins!" Steve suggested, as the Capybara began to headbutt Wibbins in a desperate effort to get his face closer to her crotch.
"Where the fuck's Ivy and the Undead K...!" Mizal began to say, before the tower shook.
"What the fuck was that?" Axiom asked, somehow phrasing the question in a critiquing manner.
Mister IAP stood, looking out the window.
"Uh... guys," Mister IAP. "You're going to want to see this."
The Council, and the weird kid who was there for some reason, ran to the window. Outside stood a massive war machine, a massive Nazi battle tank. Riding in it stood a man in full Nazi uniform, gleefully yelling out orders.
"Yes, tremble before my WWII era German Panzer..."
"Kill him," Mizal says. "If he wrecks this tone, all your asses are on the line."
"Wibbins, stay here," Bucky said.
"No, I want to come," Wibbins said.
"We can't bring a kid into combat!" Bucky said.
"I'm no kid. I'm nineteen or some bullshit," Wibbins said.
"No, you're not. You're just not. You're clearly a preteen," Steve said.
"Deal with this later, assholes! Kill the big metal thing destroying our city!"
The Council of Nine nodded, springing into action. They quickly raced down the staircase, except the Capybara, whose legs were far too short to traverse the staircase and just fell down the stairs. Then, they sprung out to the streets.
"I am ze new fuhrer of this city! Death to ze Jews!"
"Hang on, maybe this is an ally?" Steve suggested.
"The Cat Women will inherent the earth, and they will be mine!" the tank commander screamed.
Bucky slashed the side of the metal beast, but it just bounced off. Axiom began spewing flames at the beast as Mizal attempted to jam it's breaks with his sword. Wibbins watched from the distance, wondering if the Capybara was trying to hump or fight her.
"You're weird, but I like you," Wibbins said to the useless small mammal.
Steve slammed his mace into the gun barrel, dodging under sponson fire. Being the only one smart enough to realize this was similar to the vehicle the KKK member had rode, Mister IAP hopped onto the beast, and began to beat the ever-loving shit out of the tank commander.
"No! You will not be able to beat the power of my beautiful Pan... Jesus, that's my face."
Mister IAP drags the tank commander out of the tank, tossing him out of the way. He attempted to draw his Walther, but Steve began to beat the ever-loving shit out of him with his mace as Bucky and Mizal began stabbing him in the genitalia, as Axiom raised into the air, casting a fireball into the tank. The tank exploded in flames, as the tank commander screamed.
"No, my tank! My precious...!"
With that, the group quickly stabbed and beat the tank commander to death.
"Holy shit," Steve says, as he finished bashing in the tank commander's skull. "Is he dead?"
"He can't be," Mizal said. "They're never dead. There's definitely something up about this."
"No, he's dead," Bucky said, opening the tank commander's stomach and pulling out a length of intestine. "See?"
"Holy shit, that means the Soul Banisher gets to devour his soul! We did it!" Mizal says.
The capybara walked over and began feasting on the tank commander's guts, not knowing that this would cause him to get terribly sick and to puke all over Mister IAP's replacement couch that would show up hours later.
"Hey, I'm just saying, the first day we had a Wibbins, we managed to kill someone," Mizal points out.
"Fuck, you're right," Axiom admitted.
"Can someone please fucking explain what a Wibbins is?" Steve shouted.
"I'm a Wibbins," Wibbins said.
"Fuck, fine, she can stick around," Steve said.
"What? No one asked for your opinion. She was staying around either way," Mizal said.
"Come on, let's get pissed to celebrate," Bucky said.
The Council walked away from the burning couch to get horribly wasted.
You know... a certain tank commander has been known to be gone... then not be gone because he never left in the first place. :)
I'm glad that "Wibbon" is a thing now. Something about their character seems oddly familiar, and I like it.
I also enjoy how Mizal is now a man.
It's called a typo, Tim. It's not an authentic Steve story without them.
You found the joke.
He really needs a proofreading minion.
He'd probably try to have sex with it, though.
Finally got to sit down and read this. Beautiful, Steve.
I don't know why but this line cracked me up. Also, holy fuck, they finally killed someone.
Chapter XIV: Drunk on love (and an ungodly amount of vodka)
The Council of Nine, barring Ivy, because who the fuck knew where he was, sat in Set's Bar, drinking. Well, Bucky, IAP and Steve was. The rest of the pussies "la dee da, didn't drink much,", barring Wibbins, who was refused to be served despite claiming to be an adult, because come on, she wasn't.
The bar owner, Set, appeared at the counter.
"Hello, gents!" Set said, grubbily tapping a golden point against the table. "What can I get you? A little more drink
Set's greed was well known across the town. He has amassed a wealth of points and was always eager to do more, whatever the price. During the Undead King and Metal Killer's revolt, Set had happily sold out his former comrades in exchange for a portion of the town's treasures. Now, he ran the dens of crime in the city. Not the cool crime, like drugs and murder and shit, which the council had covered. No, Set would supply other services. Drink, weapons, banned works that even the libraries wouldn't dare carry and endlessly more. He'd happily smuggle in anything you wanted, even people. Still, nothing compared to his whore industry.
Set could get you any breed of whore you wanted. Pretty, young, younger... the man had no qualms. In the dregs of his whorehouses, it was rumors that you could even find Beastmen and Trolls, harbored by Set in exchange for their whoring for him. Any thirst could be quenched... for a price, of course.
"Get me another drink before I bash your brains in," Steve said.
"Your threats don't work on me. Only money," Set said, scratching his Kippah, because yes, he obviously wears a Kippah.
Steve tossed Set a coin, as Set happily snatched it out of the air and refilled Steve's cup.
"So, you come here often?" Malk asked Wibbins awkwardly.
"Um, sometimes," Wibbins said, blushing. "Do you?"
"You know, I got an interview from William XI in the newspaper," Malk said.
"Oh, you sound cool!" Wibbins said, as Malk grew an erection so quickly his dick slammed into the bar counter, causing him to scream desperately as he fell off the bar stool.
"So," the Undead King said, staring at his tap water like a pussy who can't down a real drink. "What's...?"
"WITNESS ME!" a voice screamed.
The Council turned, to see a shockingly bald fellow holding a sword in the air. Like, insanely bald. Not a hair on his head.
"I'm going to kill myself!" Baldy screamed. "I'm leaving this realm forever!"
"No!" Wibbins shouted. "There's another w...!"
"Do it, you pussy!" Bucky slurred, before stumbling and smashing his face into Mizal's boobs. He wasn't drunk, but hey, when there's a chance, you take it.
"Off yourself!" Steve yelled, as Snake Steve hissed.
"Fine! I will!" Baldy yelled, before running the sword into himself.
"Cool, he did it," General Lacker said, turning back into the bar.
"Dear god! It hurts!" Baldy says, as he failed to stab himself deeply enough to die quickly. "My spleen! Oh god, oh god, I don't want to die!"
Over the course of three hours, Baldy died. When his dying whimper finally ended, the Undead King sighed.
"Uh, sometimes being a necromancer is too much work," he complains, standing.
"What's wrong?" Mizal says.
"Baldy's ghost is reminding me that he has life insurance," the Undead King says.
With the flick of his wrists, the dead man rose up again.
"I am reborn!" Baldy said cheerfully.
"Yeah, you owe me four hundred and twenty nine points," the Undead King.
"Need to keep Thara in fine lingerie somehow, right?" Mister IAP said.
"Wait, when did we start reviving dumbasses?" Axiom said.
"Set suggested it," the Undead King said. "Baldy wrote some stories, so he gets a revive."
"Praise the almighty Mods!" Baldy yelled happily.
"So, if he died again, he wouldn't get one?" Mizal asks.
"Nope," End said, drinking his tap water like a little bitch who can't handle even some fucking Thieves. "I'm not getting involved."
Mizal looked at the rest of the council members, before turning to Wibbins.
"Hey Wibbins, can you go take Baldy to the bathrooms?"
"Why?" Wibbins asked, wide-eyed.
"Shit, something about puppies. Who cares, just follow orders," Mizal said
"OK!" Wibbins said, rushing over to talk to Baldy.
"So we go into the bathrooms after them and beat the shit out of Baldy?" Bucky asked.
"Yep," Mizal replied.
"So we drown him in one of the toilet's and
A troll, a levitating deer skull, a mage, a snake-man and a capybara walked into the bathrooms Minutes later, they would emerge with a visibly shaken child who everyone totally believes is an adult. Soon after, Set would find a shit-covered, shockingly bald body too badly beaten to recognize, having drowned in a piss-filled toilet.
And that's the story of how Set's started serving Meat Pies.
These are amazing.
Well, okay, whatever then.
I think that character would be more likely to question why the council had to cause a messy death for the janitor to clean.
I can't help but wonder if this has something to do with the vore story
Sounds about right. Lol. The pies are about 20 points a slice. You might get kuru, but they're so worth it :)
Chapter XV: Curiosity (And Blunt Trauma) killed the Cat
The Cat slunk through the alleys, staring at her prey. Her wolf cloak was held tightly around her body, her bone dagger clutched tightly in her hands. She watched as Steve wandered down the hallway, clearly drunk. His Point purse jingled at his side, bulging with points. Steve had spent the past few hours mercilessly bullying and robbing her people, the Beastmen attempting to live out their peaceful nature away from the violence and war that came from this city. Although she had formless renounced all ties with them, the spirit of the beast ran through her veins. She couldn't let such injustices stand. She would get revenge.
The Cat crept forward as Steve stumbled, steadying himself on the wall while releasing a stream of vomit. The Snake that grew out of his arm also puked, but it was far more adorable.
"Oh dear god! Why is there so much glass in my vomit?!" Steve said, before puking again.
The Cat burst forward, grabbing Steve by the throat, placing the knife against his throat.
"For your crimes again man and beast, you must die," the Cat said.
"Mom? Is that you?" Steve drunkenly mumbled, turning to stare at the Cat.
The stream of vomit hit the Cat in the face, sending her stumbling backwards as Snake Steve buried its fangs into the Cat's forearm.
The Cat screamed, slashing at Snake Steve so he released his bite. Knowing she wouldn't last long in open combat, she burst down the alley.
"Who the fuck was that?" Steve asked Snake Steve, who hissed in confusion. "What the fuck do you mean you don't know, Snake Steve?! You're pissed? How can you be pissed? Have I been giving you alcohol? Dear God, I've been giving drink to a snake. Fuck me, I am a disgrace."
The Cat hid behind a dumpster, pausing as she noticed Cutty, who stood naked, covered in blood over a dead-eyed corpse. Cutty seemed to have his genitals inside the girl's ey...
The Cat puked onto her cloak, making the number of people who had puked on it today three.
"Uh... hi," Cutty said.
"Hi," the Cat replied, wiping puke from the corners of her eyes.
Without breaking eye contact, Cutty slowly began to back away, giving his genitalia inside the corpse at all time. He got very slightly out of view in a doorway, and got back to what he was doing.
The Cat turned from the point at hand, and began walking after Steve. Steve arrived at the tower of the Council of Nine, fumbling to open the lock. After five minutes of trying to insert endless keys, his mace and his genitals into the lock hole as well as trying to climb through the lock hole itself, Mister IAP opened the door.
"Hey, Steve," Mister IAP said.
"Mister IAP! You were the key the whole time!" Steve said, hugging Mister IAP tightly, before vomiting down his back.
"For fuck's sake, Steve!" Mister IAP said. "Go to bed!"
"Got it," Steve said, before stumbling off into the tower as Mister IAP shut the door.
The Cat sighed, thinking. Hmmm... her chance was gone. Or was it? She could infiltrate the tower. The Tower of Nine was unknown to her, but she could easily sneak in, kill Steve and get back out. She peered up the tower, spotting an open window. Using her cat-like reflexes, she quickly scaled the tower, bursting up and grabbing the ledge of the window. She pulled herself up, finding herself in what was clearly the room of someone who was clearly a young teen girl, who was clearly not in college, because she was clearly a young teen who should stop fucking lying about her age so people don't gave to make passive aggressive bits in their stories that clearly disrupt the whole flow and aren't fun or entertaining for the reader so it just really ruins the story because of her fucking bullshit lies.
Yeah, so she was in a room. She paused, noticing a Capybara, rummaging through the wash basket. The Catt slowly crept forward, leaving the room. She crept along up the stairs of the tower.
She found herself in the tower's library. She ducked behind a shelf of forbidden tomes as the Undead King walked past alongside Sir Bucky.
"Fucking transformation potions! Terrible! We should all stay with the forms we have!" Bucky complained.
"Agreed. We should get about to banning those awful transformation potions!" the Undead King.
"And the people dare call us Transformaphobes!" Bucky said, rolling his eyes.
The Cat crept forward, creeping around Axiom
"You like it!" Axiom said in a higher pitched voice.
"It's shit! No character development, no general theme, nothing!" Axiom criticized in her normal voice.
"I fucking hate it, Tiny Face! You can't change that! You're a stupid, ingrown hair, that's all you are!" Axiom criticized.
"Come on! 'Member reading this as a kid? 'Member liking things? 'Member joy?"
Axiom began slamming her head against the table and screaming, giving the Cat ample time to quickly burst past. The Cat quickly headed up the stairs. The puke spills around a wooden door showed her the path to Steve's room, and she slowly crept towards it.
She paused, seeing a massive metal door that seemed to emanate horror. She wondered what was behind it. Should she stay on mission, or investigate?
No, she needed to know. Perhaps it was a conspiracy to bring to the Holy Mods of Cystia. She could have the Council purged from the city once and for all with evidence of serious misdeeds.
The Cat pushed open the door, walking inside. The door shut behind her, and she found herself faced with a huge, black eye that peered into reality from whatever horrifying place it dwelt in.
"Ah, an intruder," it said, it's voice gnawing at the Cat's bones, scratching at the inside of her skull and screaming in her soul. "My slaves have kept me well fed, but the hunger is truly insatiable. Your soul is mine, pathetic one."
"What are you?" the Cat said, stepping back.
"Do you wish to know?" the Soul Banisher laughed, its laughter identical to the sound of entire worlds dying. "Let me give you the knowledge!"
Then, the Cat's mind shattered as she learnt what the Soul Banisher was. As knowledge neither man nor beast was meant to learn flooded into her, as she began to scream horrifically. She ran to the door, pushing it open and collapsing in the tower. She began to claw out her eyes as she smacked her head against the floor.
Soon, the Council of Nine surrounded her, staring down at the pathetic creature as it screamed in unending horror at the knowledge of the universe.
"How'd she get in?" Bucky asked.
"I... might've left my window open," Wibbins said.
"Huh. You must be a lucky charm, kid. You've got us another soul!" the Undead King says.
"How do we help her?" Wibbins asked.
"I..." Steve said, before vomiting onto the screaming beast-girl, before collapsing.
"How do we help her? Who do you think we are? We don't," Bucky said.
"We have to!" Wibbins says.
"Fine, fine, I'll help her!" Mizal said.
Mizal quickly began to stomp on the Cat's skull, crushing her skull and killing her instantly.
"Well then," Steve mumbled. "We drink to celebrate?"
With that, the Council of Nine dispersed, wondering which one of them the smell of the Cat's rotting corpse would get to first so they'd have to clean up.
Ahahaha, thanks Steve, this was a great way to start the morning. (They can send the body to Set's bar to be turned into taco meat.)
I was hoping at first I'd missed some hilarious drama thread that inspired this, but all seems quiet in the kingdom.
The person this was based on (Wink wink *aartbastiaan* nudge nudge) claimed to be leaving the site a while back, and then didn't. That's a death sentence now.
Axiom would be the one to clean up the Cat. She'd become too critical of the smell to let it be.
Ah, the Beastmen. They consume order and spit out chaos in its place.
Look, I found one.
Still we're not rid of the nasty things. We must be ever vigilant, comrades.
No wonder, CrecentStar is back.
I don't think she ever truly left to begin with.
Or did she? I don't recall because so many people promise to leave sometimes.
Why'd you edit?
But I totally agree with you.
I'm glad that you agree with me, I suppose.
I usually do put the "edit:" thing in my post, but I thought my last post sounded a tad bit mean :c
It's okay, mate. I'm usually stupid anyways.
Fuck, did someone else say they were leaving? I'm getting sick of having to kill people.
On my profile, I had written (a long time ago) that I might, but took that down after deciding I would not. The only time I spent inactive was for about several months after I made my account because I got bored.
Chapter XVI: The Stars are but the last flickers of a dying universe
"Fuck you! Eat it! Eat my dick, you fucking octopus!" Steve yelled. "I'm fucking Steve, bitch! STEVE!"
Before the Soul Banisher had the chance to drive Steve to endless insanity, Bucky and Mizal grabbed Steve, throwing him to the ground.
"Steve! Stop insulting our Eldritch Patron, you dumbass!" Bucky yelled.
Steve opened his mouth, no doubt to say something intelligent and clever, only to vomit into the air, at which point gravity took course and it landed back in his open mouth.
"God, you are pathetic. Help me grab him... Steve, which of these are from spilt Whiskey, and which of these are from you pissing yourself?"
"They're... from your mother and your dad... because I fucked them both," Steve managed to get out before vomiting once more.
"God, you are filth. Why are you even in the Soul Banisher's chambers?"
"This fool was attempting to argue with me! To defy me. He's lucky I didn't turn his genitals into fire ants that hate him."
"You're just saying that because you're wrong! And you're a fag! AND YOU'RE WRONG!" Steve screamed, managing to stand for a moment, at which point he grabbed his genitals while flipping the Eldritch abomination off. "This dumbass was saying the stars aren't pretty! Have you even seen Orion's Belt, jackass? Or like, uh... the fucking, the Unicorn one?"
"There's no unicorn one, Steve," Mizal said.
"I said Capricorn, you bitch!" Steve said, swiping at Mizal but missing, before losing balance and landing face first.
"God, you are just useless," Bucky complained
"You guys never do anything for me," Steve said, as the pair of them lifted him up again.
"We just got that dude exiled for disagreeing with you about religion. He said we should stop hanging those who didn't worship the Holy Mods, and you had him exiled!"
"Fuck the Mods! Fuck you! We shouldn't worship the Mods! We should worship Steve! I AM THE GREATEST!"
At this point, Steve puked on himself once more, some getting on Mizal and Bucky causing them to drop him face first once again.
"I maintain that the Soul Banisher's a jerk-off," he said. "The stars are fucking awesome, man."
"There's flickers of Hydrogen balls exploding in plasma. Little more than the final glimmers of your useless universe before heat death takes you out. Fuck them."
"You're a little bitch! FAGGOT!" Steve yelled, before beginning to choke on his own puke.
Bucky and Mizal dragged Steve out of the room, closing the door before the Soul Banisher could come to his senses and turn Steve to dust.
"You idiot! You've lost the Soul Banisher's favor! You're going to need to do some serious work to get it back!"
"I'll just fucking kill someone, or killing fuck someone, or whatever!" Steve said. "Where the fuck's Wibbins?"
"She's crying in her room because of what General Lacker said."
"I'm going to go beat her to death," Steve said. "Then I'll give Malk her corpse so he can do stuff to it, and then he'll shut the fuck up."
"You're not murdering my Wibbins," Mizal said. "We won't let you."
"Eh, I mean, I won't help you kill Wibbins, but stopping you is a bit too much effort, isn't it?" Bucky said.
"Bucky! We're not murdering Council members!"
"She's not a council member! She doesn't have the tattoo of the nine, she doesn't have the Ouroboros cock ring, she doesn't even have the special underwear!"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Mizal asked.
"I'm talking about my feelings!" Steve cried out.
Sighing, Mizal held Steve tightly and tossed him down the staircase, where he was knocked unconscious by the fall.
"What a fucking cocksucker," Bucky said. "Let's go get a drink."
"Are you just trying to take advantage over the stress of dealing with Steve in order to go get me drunk and get in my pants?"
"Yes," Bucky said.
"Alright then, you're paying," Mizal said. "Let's go."
lol we're cool. Just keep Malkalack at bay pls.
Edit: This story should be made into a film. I think I'd probably like it.
I wasn't sulking, Watson. Anyway, hilarious as always. I'd imagine that Steve is rather thin since he never manages to digest anything. :)
All muscle, bitch. Steve is a sexy, delightful creature.
Chapter XVII: Shit went down I was too drunk to partake in
Steve lay on the ground, a cigar in his mouth staring up at the sky. Not the actual sky, but some stupid bitch named Sky.
"Bloody hell geezer, you've gone and done yourself a 'ard Koala Bear geezer," Sky said.
"What? Dear God, what happened?" Steve asked.
"Dammit, Steve! Stop dying!" Bucky says.
"What?" Steve said, before realizing he was covered in stab wounds.
"Shit, what the fuck happened?"
"Cor, big old Kangaroo done jumped us proper hard didgeridoo," Sky sent.
"What happened Axiom? Why does she have muscles instead of tits, and why is she speaking gibberish?"
"That's not me. That's Sky. She joined us in the defense of the city," Axiom said, before changing to a high pitch as part of her never ending ventriloquist act that she had started practicing. "She worked real hard!"
"Is she speaking nonsense, or is it just me?"
"She comes from a strange place."
"Doesn't Ivy come from the same place?" Steve asked.
"Shut the fuck up, dumbass. I don't have time for your nonsense. The city was assaulted by Beast Men. We had to fight them off. You got stabbed a bunch," Axiom said, before changing pitch and going full ventriloquist again. "You were heroic!"
"Blimey, they did you right proper Wolverine Tony Abott dingo," Sky said.
"For Mod's sake, speed up, you cunts!" Mizal yelled. "We need to get Sir Cuddlington to a doctor!"
"What happened?" Steve asked.
"My cat! They killed my cat!" Mizal cried out.
"Is that... is that a metaphor for your Bucky Bait?" Steve asked.
"No, you prick! They killed my cat!" Mizal said.
"Fuck your cat," Steve said. "I hope they stabbed it straight in it's dick."
"They didn't just stab it," Mister IAP said. "They raped it. They raped the cat. It's dying of Feline AIDS."
"There's... shit, there's a joke to be made there. General Lacker, make the joke for me!"
"Malk's in capybara form," Bucky said.
"What a wank bank," Steve complained.
Steve passed out again, his body relaxing as he shit himself to the disdain and disgust of those dragging him.
Steve awoke, finding himself poorly stitched up. His fingers and Snake Steve traced the bandages wrapped around his stomach, as he collapsed out of the medical bay.
"What happened?" Steve asked Sky, who was just there, for some stupid fucking reason.
"Well, the Melbourne Vegemite like a bit of footie straight in the cobbler, mate," Sky said.
"You don't add anything! You're not interesting, you don't add to the narrative, you're filth!" Steve shouted, before crawling into the hallway, where he curled up as blood puddled around him.
Bucky appeared in the hallway, trying to step over Steve to avoid getting involved in his bullshit. Steve grabbed at his foot but Bucky quickly hopped out of his reach. Unfortunately, Mizal was the next to walk down the staircase, and as she was overweight, Steve managed to grab her.
"Inform me!" Steve shouted.
"Oh, you missed a lot. Wibbins kept laughing at my cat's feline AIDS and hence Ax and I let shouted at her. General Lacker chased her around for a bit trying to either kill or fuck her, before chasing her out of the tower. She got back in, but Ax took her key and tossed her out."
"Oh. Your cat died of Feline AIDS, fuck you, you cunt!" Steve said.
Mizal sighed, spitting on Steve.
"You're scum, but I'm used to you," Mizal said.
"Are you hitting on me? Shit, where's Bucky at? Ah, I don't care. Whatever, just give me a sec to get ha... oh look, I'm already there," Steve said. "Just hop on, I guess. I'm tired so you have to be on top, but try not to crush me with your fat ass, alright?"
As what Steve assumed was the start of kinky sex, Mizal stepped on Steve's head repeatedly. Unfortunately he passed out from this, but Steve assumed she would just continue with the sexy stuff with his unconscious body, which was good enough for him. When he awoke hours later, he was still as confused as he was many hours ago before any cats had been fucked.
Between Ryder and Wibbons lurking about, all cats around here better watch the fuck out.
Since this is the first Council of Nine story I've actually read, I think Bucky should probably be writing these instead.
I got along with Wibbons, it was you lot that got triggered by her great hatred of cats.
However, I lost respect for her when she groveled and prostituted herself before you saying that she was being a cunt and apologized, instead of rightfully telling you all to fuck off and go shove your dead cats up your asses.
I offered her a place by my side within my personal retinue and she utterly failed the test. Now she is without ANY allies and will have to rely on sucking up to such bottom feeding scum like Mason or Tim and performing like a pro for them just to keep herself alive around here.
EDIT: Actually that should be prostrated rather than prostituted, but fuck it. Now it's funnier this way.
Indeed. It's what I would've done, groveling is never an option.
Now I better go and feed my sister's cats now actually.
I noticed that Zag and T-Count came to be replaced by Mason and Tim. I'll consider that a spontaneous promotion.
Yeah I remembered that you're more well liked around here now after the contest and Zag is fairly harmless.
Tim on the other hand gets called an idiot by everyone and this more or less also holds true for Mason. Lol.
I know, right? My feelings...
But it is pretty much true.
Wait, what happened? I mean, the story makes it pretty clear what happened, but real life facts are getting foggy and I'm getting really curious right now.
Well, that's stupid and awful. I mean, cats are mostly assholes, but some manage to have decent people attached to them for whatever reason.
Didn't know our civil rights was in a state that IRC had to be labelled as an IRC, though, which is considerably worse news.
Wibbons fucked up and talked shit about cats at the super villain lair, because she hates them on general principle, but also because she had to work somewhere recently that was drenched in cat piss.
Mizal's cat died recently and was in really no mood to hear Wibbon's bitching. Ax also felt Wibbons was being an absolute cunt.
Malk, sensing the stars were right, seized the chance to ban Wibbons from the super villain lair. But of course in typical Malk fashion he fucked up and half assed the attempt and Ax had to finish the job.
I got the after action report and I found it all pretty funny, so I figured I'd extend a hand to Wibbons to be part of something greater, but instead she sickeningly felt remorse for her dickish behavior.
Now Wibbons is friendless, without allies and FOREVER ALONE.
I don't have a problem with her in general, but having to explain at great length why it's bad to openly mock people whose pets just died was pretty weird, and the apology she gave after my lecture was really half-assed. I would have let it slide, but malk was dying to ban her, and I didn't feel strongly enough about it to say no. I don't mind letting her back in if she can show a bit more empathy in the future, but she'd have to convince whoever's mad at her (I think just malk, really) to give her another chance.
She suggested you eat...your dead cat? That's rather...heartless.
Kinda surprised about this.
I think the general idea that came out of all this is that Wibbons is a REAL piece of SHIT.
And possibly eats cats.
Unitard, nooo! Why is it always the retarded ones who get thrown in the woodchipper of life?
Fuck you, you knew this when you yelled at me to write it.
Also, don't have craic without me, or I won't know what to do for Council of Nine.
Oh yeah, Sky IS of The Australia.
I just decided to ctrl+f "soul". That was fun! I had no idea how much was written in this thread. Gold.
The Soul Banisher is the Council's patron, and thus is essential.
So I've sort of gathered that The Soul Banisher is a more powerful Sauron and the council are less powerful, much more dysfunctional and altogether more hapless Nazgul. Who is the witch-king?
I'm guessing it's Bucky, Axiom, or Mizal but Steve thinks it's Steve.
The Soul Banisher is an ancient Eldritch abomination who very existence drives lesser men to insanity. There's no nerdy LotR shit.
There are even 9 of you.
"Writers were able to create whatever they wanted no matter how terrible without fear of punishment from the Nine"
"The Nazgûl (from Black Speech nazg, "ring", and gûl, "wraith, spirit", possibly related to gul, "sorcery"), also called Ringwraiths, Ring-wraiths, Black Riders, Dark Riders, the Nine Riders, or simply the Nine"
Coincidence? I think not. Checkmate, Atheists.
Are there even nine?
Sky's sure as fuck not one of us. One Aussie is the token aussie, two is just too fucking many.
Says the one with an anime avatar.
I don't think I'd even take issue with their avatar if I'd never heard their profile. But then I listened to it, and suddenly all was wrong with the world.
JJJ I think was considered the 9th member.
I think I was more of a really funny plot device.
Whilst you'd assume the Council of Nine would have nine members, the nine isn't an indicator of the number of council members.
Go back to shitting on yourself.
You quite stupidly assume shitting yourself and being on a computer are mutually exclusive events. They are not.
"a LOTR reference."
I KNEW IT.
I still say they fit the Five Bad Band trope a lot better. Mizal, Bucky, Ax, Steve and Malk are really the core group.
I guess you could include Ivy if you really wanted a “6th ranger." (The dude's barely around anymore though)
Dis Gon B Gud...
Uh, fuck off, fine, I have enough drink in me to get me writing.
This is really a no win situation for Steve. If he grovels to Ax in story format he loses much street cred and even people like Tim will be lining up to violate him biblically.
On the other hand if he doesn't do it, he no longer has access to the super secret villain lair and losing a place where he's relatively free to act like an asshole.
I say Steve should suck it up and take the long walk and not give those smug taunting dicks the satisfaction of his prostate.
Come now, do we have to make this into a big deal? Being able to admit you're wrong is a virtue, not a weakness. I swear, End, you're like a little poisonous devil that sits on people's shoulders and whispers evil into their ears in an effort to cause the most drama and chaos that you can.
Axiom, that's nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's not a big deal what I say to Steve anyway, since we all know Steve is going to roll over and debase himself.
Wibbons must be loving this if she's watching though.
I will never be one of the cool kids.
I'm weaving a grandiose epic.
While you're at it you might as well weave yourself a pair of pink panties that say "Axiom's bitch" on the ass for yourself as well. Lol.
It's okay, I treat my bitches gently and with dignity.
I am confused and waiting for this soon-to-be story to see what all this is about.
Steve overstepped his asshole boundaries by posting bug porn links at the super secret villain lair. Axiom bitch slapped him down for great justice and now he must atone.
Or will he?
Well, that's a type of porn I have never heard of, and if I'm lucky - will never have to see xD
(Geez. The fact that that is actually a thing is kind of creepy.)
I don't know what I was expecting.
Steve's a filthy degenerate. This shouldn't be too surprising. Lol.
Anyway, he's been trying to trick people into clicking on horrific images for days now, and Axiom foolishly bumbled into one of his traps while at her work computer.
If I were Steve (I'm pretty happy I'm not Steve) I'd just hurry and write the damn story. His current atonement does not require he be tied to the chair again, but if Axiom suddenly starts getting weird looks from her boss that may change.
Oh for fuck's sake, I had a whole easter egg precendented on them not knowing it was bug porn. Fuck you.
Yes, let the anger flow through you!
(Seriously, I'm helping you out right now by providing extra inner conflict)
For his account's sake, I really hope not.
Nah, the spell was in Irish, so only if you understood it would you actually know what it was. I'm not stupid enough to actually post bug porn on here.
Chapter XVIII: The Fall of a God
Steve read through the dusty tome of spells he had uncovered in the darkest areas of the Cystian libraries. His only light was a candle, as he had hid himself away in the tower of the Council of Nine in order to hide his heresies against reality itself. So far, most of the tome had been wasted. So far, most of the spells of unimaginable power had been found to be so old the paper has turned to dust and it couldn't be read, and even more were unreadable because Steve had spilt wine on the pages, and the rest had been set alive by cigar ash. There were only a handful of spells that were readable, and many of those didn't even work. Steve had discovered one that allowed flight, but that didn't work, and the rest were all boring. He had misread one that would give the magician a massive zit to say "shit", which had not only given him such a zit, but raised several questions about why Steve wanted a giant shit.
About to give up, Steve stood, whipping out his dick to piss out the candle or masturbate, most likely both, but on this strange day it would be neither. He spotted a spell on the very last page, barely readable. Yes, this would be of use.
Steve sauntered out of the closet with a happy grin on his face. Mizal jumped with a scream, falling out of bed.
"Shit, Steve, why the fuck were you in my closet?" Mizal asked, drawing her blade.
"I was reading."
"Why the fuck were you reading in my closet?" Mizal asked.
"Mizal, reading is important for widening one's mind, Damn, get some culture in your, you dumb bitch."
"She means why were you doing it in my closet, you prick!?" Bucky shouted, popping his head out from both the closets and somewhere else.
"Mizal, stop being retarded. If I wasn't in your closet, how would I have masturbated to your shoes?"
"I thought you said you were reading!?" Mizal shouts.
"Mizal, you dumb bitch, reading is for the eyes. Masturbating to shoes is for the nose, cock and hands. You can do both! Fuck, I'm honestly not even sure how you could only do one or the other, to be completely honest."
Mizal yelled at him, as Bucky and Mizal threw a barrage of whatever was in arms reach at him including their swords, vases and their boots, one of which Steve eagerly caught as he retreated out of room for when he finished reading the tome later. He slid eagerly down the stone staircase along the banister, before walking into the tower's lounge to find General Malk A. Lacker frustratingly pulling at his dick with such aggression that Steve wondered just how much that Capybara fuck hated his own genitals. Steve grabbed a quill and quickly wrote out the words of the spell, being careful not to read it out loud. Finally he smiled, presenting it to Malk.
"I need you to read this to me," Steve asked.
"What? Why?" Malk replied. "Fuck, I only get to spend so much time as a human. This is my masturbating time."
"Just read it!" Steve said, Snake Steve hissing and baring his fangs.
"Why can't you?"
"I'm blind or whatever! Fuck, this is more effort than it's worth. Just read it!"
Malk sighed, grabbing the paper and beginning to read.
"In ainm an neamhní síoraí a Scread isteach ar an intinn na bhfear níos laige agus glaonna féin Dia..."
Steve froze, realizing the error of his plan. He fumbled to grab the sheet of paper of Malk, punching him in the head to keep him from grabbing at it, before punching him in the head again, because fuck him.
"What? You asked me to read it!" Malk said.
"Yeah, but you're probably into that shit!"
"What shit? Actual shit? Because I'm no coprophilliac, I'm not into that. Wait, are you? Are you asking me to join me in that? Because I can find a spare few min..."
"No, just forget it," Steve said, swearing. "Where's the nearest non-depraved fuck?"
"Axiom is talking to the Soul Banisher."
"Terrific," Steve grinned.
Steve turned, strolling into the Chamber of the Soul Banisher. Ignoring the thousands of infinite tendrils of insanity with forms beyond comprehension that invaded his mind and screamed desperately for him to do acts so horrifying they'd only appear in Malk's sex dreams, he walked up to Axiom, holding out the paper.
"Hey, Ax! I've gone partially blind due to... fuck, AIDS or something," Steve said. "Can you read this for me? Ideally you too, Soul Banisher."
Axiom sighed, grabbing the paper.
"This better not be your fanfiction again. I'm so shit sick of... oh, it's not? What language is this?"
"Uh... fuck, just read, alright?"
Axiom sighed, looking down at the paper as she began reading allowed as the infinite eyes of the Soul Banisher read along her.
"Alright, uh... in ainm an neamhní síoraí a Scread isteach ar an intinn na bhfear níos laige agus glaonna féin Dia..." she read.
"Yeah, yeah, go on," Steve encouraged.
"Le do thoil a chlúdach mo baill ghiniúna le feithidí. Gan ar bhealach gnéasach intinn agat, nach bhfuil mé creep, cé tá mé go raibh roinnt aisteach turgnamh i gcampa samhraidh le comhairleoir campa a anois gur dóigh liom ar sé i ndáiríre ionsaí gnéasach dom."
Steve tried to keep himself from grinning, nodding encouragement.
"Ach ar bhealach go bhfuil níos craiceáilte agus craic. Díreach, fethidí ar baill ghiniúna, fháil go déanta."
Axiom paused, staring at Steve.
"Well? We done here?" she asked.
"Did you read all of it?" Steve asked. "Fuck, it was a spell! You were supposed to...!"
Both Axiom and the Soul Banisher paused. Axiom stared at Steve as horror and disgust took over her, before doubling over and puking onto the ground as the effects of the spell took place.
"Holy shit, Steve, what the fuck did you do?"
"Yeah, I know! Who even makes a spell for that?"
"Dear me, I'm a being beyond logic, beyond being material, beyond everything! How the fuck does this effect me? Oh fuck," the Soul Banisher said, before letting out a yelp that incinerated billions of universes.
"Ah, we have fun, Steve smiled. So who wants to go get drunk? I'm talking sex with a black woman drunk, am I right?"
With a heft kick, Axiom sent Steve's genitals flying so far up inside his body he was a woman for a few moments, in which time he released an appropriately high-pitched scream.
"Steve you son of a bitch, what the fuck?"
"Oh God, I can feel my heartbeat in my scrotum!" Steve whimpered.
"You little prick, I'll have you murdered for this!" Axiom hissed.
"So? I've been murdered three times today! If you're counting last night after midnight, it's six! Go ahead, kill me!" Steve said.
"Fuck then, I'll have you exiled!"
Steve laughed at the very prospect of it, before honking Axiom's nose.
"Have you seen me? I'm amazing! If you even tried, every single person in this city would rebel! You couldn't do it if you tried!"
Steve lay hogtied in the bucket of a catapult, surrounded by the jeering crowd of Cystians.
"Uh... don't we usually just toss people out the front gates?" Steve asked.
"We got an exile catapult," Axiom said.
"Well... uh...sorry?" Steve said.
"Not good enough," Axiom replied.
"Very sorry? Look, just stare into my eyes, my sexy, sexy eyes for a sec, would you?"
Axiom sighed, before nodding.
"OK, go on," she said.
"What? Oh no, that was it. That fifteen seconds of staring into beauty was my way of making it up to you. If anything, I feel I gave you too much. You'll buy the first round of drinks, yeah?"
Axiom fired the catapult as Steve was sent flying into the air. He screamed as he hurtled over the town wall, flying through the air with a dreadful scream. He managed to pull down his breeches, hoping the incredible amount he was shitting and pissing out of terror would rain down on those bastards. He flew through the air, staring at the ground below him. He paused, realizing he wasn't approaching the ground, gravity wasn't taking hold.
The flight spell! It was working after all! Steve laughed, realizing he now had the power of flight. He grinned, closing his eyes and soaring like an eagle. He was free now.
It was at that point the upward momentum from the catapult ran out, and Steve actually did begin falling towards the ground. He screamed in terror once more, rapidly approaching the rocky earth.
Miraculously, Steve managed to land on something to break his fall. Unfortunately, that was his legs. He hit the ground, his legs shattering as he bounced off the ground, going into a painful tumble that broke the majority of his bones. He lay there on the ground, dying and in pain.
"Oh dear, God..." Steve whimpered. "Did I land in shit? Fucking seriously, I landed in shit? Oh wait, that's my shit. Ooh, gross. Wait, it's both."
These were Steve's final words before passing out.
Steve found himself lying in a bed, covered in various bodily fluids. He groaned, seeing a shadowy figure standing over him.
"Mother? Wait no, she would've left for me. Frank? I swear to god I have the money, Frank! It's just... invested! Yes, invested! In government bonds! I can get it back, with interest! I just need more time!"
The figure lit a candle, her face illuminated. Tears ran down her face, and she stared down at Steve.
"Wibbins! You're still alive! I though Malk and Ax killed you! Or maybe they just forced you out of the tower, I don't know. Continuity errors and that."
"I'm alive. I've been in self-imposed exile for my actions."
"Oh, I get it. You got lonely and took me to have your way with me and slit my throat when you're finished. Well go right a fucking head! Do it, bitch!"
"No, of course not!" Wibbins said, aghast.
"What, already did it while I was unconscious? Well fuck, uh... I'll be honest, I can go for two rounds no bother. I owe you for saving me, so just feel free to hop on!"
"No! I don't want to fornicate with you, Steve?"
"Fornicate? Who the fuck says that? God, you are so not sexual. Shit, anyway... look! I have a near-death erection, and we need to deal with that! So are you going to hop on, or are we going to ignore it?"
"I rescued you because I didn't want to see you die on a hill. What even happened you?" Wibbins asked.
"Are we actually just going to ignore it? I know you can see it. It's fucking big. You're standing over me, and I just need to twist my hips a little to smack you in the face with it."
"Steve, what happened?" Wibbins asked again.
"I might've done some things I shouldn't have, and the peopl... oh for fuck's sake, seriously? You're seriously just going to ignore it? Just fucking touch it a little, come on!"
"Steve!" Wibbins said, slapping him.
"Fuck, fine! I got exiled. Via catapult."
"Oh. Well, the healing potion should've set in right now. Your bones should be healed."
"On the topic of bone..." Steve said.
"OK, OK!" Steve said. "Fuck, what the hell do we now?"
"I like to spend my time praying out here," Wibbins said.
"Uh... is that a bit? Are you fucking with me?"
"No," Wibbins replied.
"Oh dear god... uh, I guess I can catch up on my masturbating. I haven't done that for a few hours. Just get me a whiskey, will you, love?"
"I don't have a distillery up here," Wibbins said. "I don't drink."
"Well, I'm going to kill myself," Steve said. "Where's my mace? Did they catapult it over with me too? Fuck, how does one kill themselves with a mace?"
"Steve, please don't kill yourself. I consider it every day because I'm such a depressing bitch who won't be just a little more cheerful for fuck's sake, but I've found peace in God."
Steve began smacking his head against the bed while screaming.
"Steve, stop!" Wibbins yelled, grabbing his head and stopping him.
"Fuck, OK! You're right. I need to get my revenge! I need to burn that fucking city to the ground! Where's the nearest mob of disenfranchised peasants I can inspire? Preferably white."
"These are the badlands, Steve. There's no one here but the trolls and beastmen."
Steve paused, thinking.
"Bring me to them."
Steve walked into the camp alongside Wibbins, staring at the furry and gnarled faces around him.
"Various scumfucks! Where's your leader?" Steve shouted.
A Battle Pussy walked forward, snarling as she drew her sword with a growl.
"Make your intentions known, furless," she asked.
"I'm here to rise up against Cystia for vengeance!"
"The grand chieftain is right in in the big tent. I'll warn you now, she has certain expectations of... satisfaction from you."
"Fuck a beast lady? Grand job, Wibbins, wait here," Steve said. "Actually, do you want to come in with me? This could easily be a two man job."
"No, I'm fine out here," Wibbins said.
"Fuck, you are boring," Steve said, strolling into the tent, pushing his way inside.
Steve walked into the spacious tent, looking around. He froze, as he realized what led the beastmen.
"Oh, for fuck's sake..!" Steve said, staring at the normal cat that lacked anything even close to approaching tits.
Steve stared at the floor with a sigh, The path to redemption was stained with blood and tears. If Steve needed to add a few more bodily fluids to that list, so be it.
After several minutes of clawing and screaming, Steve was finished, lying on the ground.
"Fucking shit, I disgust myself. So, are we... will you help me?"
The tent flap opened a an ancient grey Battle Pussy walked inside, holding a sword.
"Alright, what's this about you using my tr... dude, what the fuck?!" the chieftain said, stopping.
"Oh, you have to be shitting on me,"Steve said. "Look, I can probably get it up again for you hun, but I will not have as much vigor as I just h...!"
"Are you fucking kidding me?" the chieftain said. "You just fucked my cat! I'll take your fucking head!"
The chieftain charged Steve, who screamed, rolling to avoid his sword, before punching him in the side of the head. Steve yelped, grabbing the sword and pulling it from the chieftain's hands and running it through her chest. She collapsed backwards with a gasp. Steve hurried out of the tent, half-naked and covered in various bodily fluids, the most prominent of which was blood from all there of those who had been in the tent. He paused, realizing that he was surrounded by those whose chieftain he had just killed. Fuck, that retard did not think things thorough.
"Uh..." Steve said.
"The old chieftain is dead. Long live the new chieftain!" one of the battle pussies yelled, before all the beast men repeated the roar.
"Oh shit, is that how this works? Fuck, seems like this is a Klingon type deal. Kickass."
Steve paused, wondering if Axiom liked Star Trek. She didn't like anything, but she was a nerd. Fallacy, that. Just fucking take that I put in that reference.
Steve stared around at his new army, before grinning.
"Come on, men! And beasts. And trolls. And clearly underaged gi... oh shit, I forgot you were a twelve year old girl Wibbins. Dear god, I'm going for hell, aren't I? Fuck it, just come on. We're going to go kill shit."
Steve marched up to the gates of Cystia, his army in tow. He grinned, his eyes filled with malice as he walked up to the guards.
"Hello! Are you immigrating here? What's your name?" the guard asked with a stupid grin on his face.
"You don't remember me?" Steve said. "I am death, destroyer of worlds. I am here to take hold of your libraries and burn them to ash, to enslave your people, to fuck your children, to break the very fucking...!"
"Come right in!" the guard said, smiling.
"... things you hold dear so on... Wait, what?" Steve asked, stumbling over his words in confusion.
"We don't have anyone called Death, Destroyer of Worlds on the Exiled list, so you're free to come in," the guard said.
Steve paused, wondering if the guard was fucking with him. He put his face in his hands, sighing before looking up.
"Hello! Are you immigrating here? What's your name?" the guard asked again.
"Excuse me?" Steve said. "I just fucking told you! How the fuck do you not remember?"
The guard shrugged.
"I don't know. Can I have your name?"
"For fuck's sake, my name is I fucked your mother and she was easy!"
"Come right, in, I fucked your mother and she was easy," the guard grins.
Steve stared, raising his hands to cover his face for a second before pulling them down once more.
"Hello! Are you immigrating here? What's your name?" the guard asked.
Steve paused, turning around and strolling over to the army he had amassed.
"Look brothers, I've found a way inside! I have an improved plan! I'm going to sneak in. I'll slay the mods and disable the archery towers. Then you can get in with fewer losses. Just wait here for my signal. You'll know it when you see it."
"How do we know we can trust you?" Wibbins said. "I don't even support this thing, but I'll do it if I think I can really trust you."
"You're the only people I have left. I'd die for you," Steve said.
Steve turned, walking up to the guards.
"No Name Fuck Face," Steve said.
"Welcome aboard!" the guard said, and Steve strolled past them, back to Cystia. He turned, looking to stare back at his allies. The boy nodded, and Steve knew he had gained the trust of them. Steve turned, and headed into the city, before letting out a shout.
"Attack! Beastman army right outside! Kill them all! Kill every fucking one of them, especially the children!" Steve shouted, as the alarm bells rang.
Steve grinned as he heard his former allies realize their betrayal and panic as Cystian knights and warriors charged past him to attack. He began to whistle as he strolled towards the tower, wondering how the fuck to get the bastards inside to forget about what he had done. Probably just a shit ton of grovelling.
"I'm sorry!" Steve yelled through the door.
"Come on! I gave you a Star Trek reference! Don't you like Star Trek?"
"What the fuck are you on about, you prick?"
"I'm being meta! Didn't you say you liked that? Or hated it. Shit, probably hated it. You don't say you like things ever. I already apologized to the Soul Banisher, and he forgave me!"
"No, obviously not, but like, the theme of this story is more centered around you and it wouldn't suit the structure to include him in the climax. See, look at all those writing words! I don't know what they mean, but I'm throwing them out there! Fuck, is that good enough?"
Steve didn't hear a response, and sighed, collapsing against the door, before swearing loudly and fumbling to pull out his genitals whilst waiting for an answer, because come on, story shit and cats and star trek has to be enough shit.
Tsk. You call that an apology?
He has to not just write a story, but write a story that Ax approves of.
I threw in literally everything I know you like: nerd shit, cats and structure and all that shit. Oh shit actually, extra part of the story:
"And also there was Christian imagery that meant nothing and someone went blind."
With a heft kick, Axiom sent Steve's genitals flying so far up inside his body he was a woman for a few moments, in which time he released an appropriately high-pitched scream.
This and the exile catapult amused me.
Well, except for the typo.
Didn't read it. Waiting for the superior Bucky version. LOL
Wait what happened? I read them all up to know, and this is the one with the event that I was not present for.
It occurred in a private chat, not on site.
Oh ok. Thanks.
Much better :D
Also, I'm terrified of that Torture Room.
It was good until I muttered the words "love", which as I've made clear is a concept only for the faggiest of fags.
EDIT: Oh and so I don't look too lazy...
Yes I did read through it and the wide variety of colorful language was amusing and the story overall felt like a better representation of the council's real personalities.
Both of these stories were pretty hilarious.
Very good, Bucky. This is how apology stories should be written.
I don't think The Soul Banisher really behaved as canon dictated he should but otherwise this was quite excellent.
Bit too soon for another story, but goddamn, this just works and I got to take advantage of site events seeing as this is the kind of thing many of you missed.
Chapter XIX: Role Reversal
Set stood at the the counter, grinning as he rubbed two points together.
"So this won't be traceable, will it?" the penguinite asked.
"No, no! Of course not. I have the perfect one in the back. Sixteen, felinid, a blue coat with spots of white fur, amber eyes..."
The penguinite let out a sigh of relief while relieving himself against the top of the car counter, adding to the grubby stink that filed this shithole as well as Seto's massive but totally non-ethical nostrils.
"A furry's delight, for sure, but it'll cost you."
"I'm not a furry! Penguins don't have fur! I'm...!"
"Of course, of course! Please, take no offensive. You still want her, don't you?"
The penguinite nodded eagerly, as Set's grin grew unnaturally wider.
"Good, good. If you wish to play, you'll need to pay."
The penguinite drew from his pants the second massive bulge that was down there and put it onto the tablet. Set grabbed it, checking it to ensure it was full, before nodding.
"Room Four, down the hall and last on your left," he said. "Enjoy."
The penguinite rushed away as the door to the bar opened as the Undead King sauntered in.
"Ah, your royal highness! What can I get you?"
"Relief," the king answered. "Where's Thara?"
"She's cleaning out Room 3. I'll give you a few minutes."
"Make it hours," the King said, walking past.
Set nodded but his face dropped. Room 3 being put out of business for a few hours would hampen his income, but he wasn't going to offend one of his best customers. Besides, the coin poured in either way.
Set catered to the lustful, the miserable, the pathetic, the depraved and the broken. The Mods themselves couldn't find a man Set could not count among his customers.
The Undead King marched into Room 3, a trashed room with a crusty white paint job... oh wait, a red paint job and a lot of stains there. Thara was on her hands and knees scrubbing a blood stain from a particularly good session, wearing what was either a very short skirt or a belt, depending on how you look at it, and having her upper body enshrouded in the strings of cloth that one could technically define as clothing.
"Hey, Thara," the Undead King said, pulling his cloak to pull out his rotting member.
"Hey, master!" Thara said eagerly.
"Alright, let's get this started. I have an envoy from the Great Maze I need to welcome and then murder for being so queer, so we're in a hurry. You're already on your knees, that's good," the Undead King said, grabbing Thara's head and moving it towards his genitals.
Surprisingly, for the first time in their "relationship", Thara pulled back.
"Actually, I think we need to talk."
"Thara, I have one need for your tongue, and I sure as fuck aren't going to kiss that mouth knowing where it's been. Get to being useful."
"Two," Thara reminded him.
"Stop mentioning the second use," the Undead King said, remember the odd experimentation phase he went through.
"Look, I just feel you don't appreciate me enough. When was the last time you gave me a compliment?"
"I do appreciate you. I appreciate when your mouth is around my dick. Shit, remember when you used to do that? Now get to it, you fucking bitch!"
"NO!" Thara screamed, jumping to her feet. "I'm sick of being the bottom ini this relationship!"
"You're on top whenever I'm tired!" the Undead King pointed out.
"No! I want a share of power! I mean, you never give me nice gifts! Sure there's lingerie, but there's nothing nice! I do important jobs around here, and I'm never rewarded!"
Steve lay in a pile on his own filth on the side of the street, sleeping.
"Hehe... she does important blowjobs around here," he mumbled in his sleep.
Back at Set's Place, Thara was still yelling as the Undead King tried to defend himself.
"I give you points all the time! You're the richest whore in the city!"
"I don't want your shitty points and I'm not a whore! The fact that you pay me is why no one respects me! I want something more!"
"Anal?" the Undead King suggested.
"A Trophy to reward my service to the city!"
"That's for writing, Thara!"
"You give them out to everyone! Why shouldn't I get one? Am I not good enough for you, huh!?"
"Fine, you can have a trophy! Happy now?" the Undead King said.
"No! Sometimes I want to get off! Sometimes I won't get on my knees, we'll just have sex. And sometimes you'll go down on me!"
"Oh, fuck off!" the Undead King said. "If you think I'm going to put my tongue in your...!"
Thara snarled and grabbed the Undead King by his testicles, squeezing and twisting in one motion.
"Show some fucking respect to your wife!"
"We're not married!" the Undead King said.
"Well we're going to be! You're going to go buy a ring and propose right after this!"
"Fuck, fine!" the Undead King said, his voice going up an octave as Thara continued to squeeze and twist.
"And also, you need to learn to be a lot more trusting of me!"
"I am very trusting! I trust you all the time! I have Council Members whispering in my ear that you were off hugging guys, or dry humping guys, or motorboating chicks or getting fucked in the ass, but I don't believe them because I trust you!"
"Oh, that's true," Thara said.
"What?!" the Undead King yelled.
Thara squeezed once more as the once proud Necromancer yelped again.
"Shut it! There's nothing sexual about hugging guys! It's just a hug! And motorboating your friends isn't weird! Everyone does it! And sure, maybe they humped a bit when I hugged them, but you can't cheat with your clothes on, dumbass!"
"You had sex with them!" the Undead King protested.
"Sex is in the vagina, not the ass! See, you don't trust me at all! Next time you hear or see me doing something with a guy, trust I'm not cheating, because I said so, got it?"
Fearing another squeeze, the Undead King nodded pathetically.
"Now, there's going to be some changes! No more of your whoring! No more of your lying! You're going to treat me better!"
The Undead King quickly agreed, as Thara released her grasp. He sighed in relief, collapsing to his knees.
"Good, you're on your knees. Stay there, you're going to get to work. Then, we're going to have romantic sex! And if my fingers try go places, you're going to let them, and don't tense up.
The Undead King nodded, his reign forever broken, and got to work.
Set stood at the counter, dealing with a complaint.
"I ordered a bottle of fine wine! This is tap water."
"You bought the bottle of wine! You didn't buy the wine in it! I gave you the tap water free as charge! Now fuck off!"
Set paused, watching the Undead King and Thara walk out of the Whore Section. Thara smiled happily as she led the Undead King by the had, who seemed to be... cowering? Thara headed out the door, with the Undead King closely at her heels. Well... it was times like this Set wished he didn't have a policy that prohibited him from asking what went on behind the closed doors of Set's Place.
Yep, figured something like this was in the works. Lol.
Enjoy your new seat of power, said seat being End's face.
"Mistress of the Dead".
In which case they're also fucking and hence not his daughter.
Well, they're also fucking. Actually knowing End, that gives more credence to the daughter theory.
I couldn't help but think about Path of Death and how that Necromancer had a daughter. And if Steve is one of those authors that tries to parallel his life with his stories, then he could be hitting on you. Because his main character hits on the Necromancer's daughter, but, you know, it's probably just a funny coincidence.
The main character had the option to hit on the daughter.
True, but the best endings (in my opinion) probably came from the MC hitting on her. Which again, if it were a parallel, might mean the best/most entertaining options would come from hitting on the Necromancer's daughter. It's just an observation though.
I don't know where this came from, but I hope Bucky makes one now.
Oh, it's about Trophies.
I never really understood the purpose of passing trophies around TBH, I mean it's e-cred in the same way points are I guess, but it's not like getting a customized one of your own where there's some kind of actual criteria attached.
Eh? I haven't contributed as much as Thara to the Draw My Attention threads. ^^;
Still, your points are growing at an exponential rate.
Yes, let's replace all concepts of merit based off our writing abilities and this site and go to the point system that only idiots can't see is incredibly flawed.
Well, I mean, he's getting the points for helping out. Rating games, suggestions, etc.
I don't think the trophies are meant for writing, either.
I like CYOAs.
Doesn't mean I can write them.
Last time I tried, I lost 3 months of my life and produced cringe.
This taught me that I can only write linear stories, like TellTale.
I guess so.
I mean, Seto reviewed/rated every game on the site.
Not sure how I shot myself in the foot, you lot are still arguing about all this like it actually matters. Lol.
I'm waiting for someone to say I was supposed to bring balance to CYS, not cast it into darkness.
But I think we all knew that was going to happen eventually. Lol.
Besides all that:
Given by Seth (For just posting on the forums)
Given by JJJ (Yeah it was a treasure hunt, but Ug hadn't even written a story until recently)
So it really isn't like anything is "devalued" unless you want to think it is.
I mean, you could've at least held out to give it as a contest prize, maybe that would've been the thing to get Thara to finally accept one of her monthly personal invites to contribute.
But, in the end I guess it's up to you and you alone how you distribute your pixelated e-peen. *shrug*
If you want it, just start writing really good storygames. Or really good reviews to said storygames. Or fuck it, just point out the good reviews and maybe mention a few tags that literally no one gives a fuck about.
Or, y'know, you could ask really nicely.
I can't tell if you're joking or not.
Well, I haven't tried yet.
Oh yeah, you DID get a trophy.
This trophy thing is great. The whole "I guess Thara wants to suck your dick or whatever" bit was getting boring. End being Thara's little bitch is way better.
Hell, Steve should be thanking me for providing a gold mine of material that even he couldn't fuck up.
Funny stuff obviously.
Oh, I just noticed :)
Congrats on your trophy, Thara ^_^
And this was very funny, Steve.
A bit late, but congratulations to Thara for obtaining her first Member Awarded trophy.
A good job to Steve as well, I'm impressed by how fast you can write these.
What is this wretched hive of scum and villainy?