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Beginning of a Story

6 years ago

Lord Brellis was not well thought of among his peers.  A traveling minstrel once called him ‘Lord Underfoot’ due to the number of children he had, and the name stuck.  Besides his large number of wives and children, he was only really known for having one of the best spread tables in the kingdom.  Most people considered him a dull witted, lecherous man with very little value.  Since he had no political presence, most people didn't bother to take his land from him; it wasn't worth a whole lot to anyone who had his eye on glory.  While they were all fighting over gold, or politics, or boundaries he was busy tending to his territory, aptly named the Crescent.  It was a curved piece of land nestled up against some very sheer mountains.  Some people also called it the backbone of the kingdom since you would have to go through the whole front of it to reach the Crescent.  It was an unexciting area, dotted with farms, orchards, and little else.

However, Lord Brellis was a lot brighter than people gave him credit for.  It was a charade that was kept up by not only his wives, daughters, and personal household, but the peasantry and minor nobility as well.  To outsiders they often spoke derisively of their lord.  His daughters and wives appeared meek, while his sons were generally very quiet and guarded.  When no outsiders were present, they made quite a cheerful household.  Through all his marriages, Lord Brellis was connected to most of the major families in his territory, and a few minor families outside his territory.  Having so many wives was not against the laws of the land; several lords had two, maybe three wives, but everyone thought Brellis’ number of wives was sheer folly.  But there was a method to his madness.  He had his finger on the very life pulse of his people.  He knew who got along with whom, and who didn't.  He knew how loyal everyone was to him, and treated them accordingly.  He tolerated no backstabbing amongst his wives, and no harmful rivalries amongst his children.

Many people thought the man would be desperate to marry off all his children, but he didn't make a lot of effort to do so.  This surprised most people, and they would often speculate as to the reason for this.  Laziness was the most common answer, or stinginess.  In truth, he was actually very fond of his children and didn't want them parceled off to the highest bidder, so to speak.  If they were interested in a match, he wanted to accommodate them as much as possible.  Publicly, however, he would seem cantankerous, and complain about many things, pretended to be intensely interested in the bride prices and little else.  Everything he did was calculated carefully.  Slowly some of his son-in-laws were deemed trustworthy enough to enter into the family’s secrets, but in general most of them thought they were saving their wives from a tyrannical and foolish father.

It was said that he had so many wives, children, and grandchildren that there was no way he could keep track of them all, but like many other things said about him, this wasn't true, although every so often a name would escape him, especially as he got older.  Some people half-joked that he was trying to take over the kingdom by breeding alone, but most scoffed at the idea.  To the eyes of outsiders, it seemed like he didn't have the presence or intelligence to really lead his family anywhere that wasn't a farmhouse.

“I heard the man just can’t keep his hands, or his seed, to himself.  The only reason someone hasn’t killed him yet is because he’s always paid off the families of the poor women with prompt generosity.  Personally, I suspect that some lords carelessly leave their daughters unsupervised near him just to get the money he has.  Don’t know where he gets it all; most of his people are simple farmers,” said one man, sitting in the common area of the Brellis castle.  He was just a simple guard, having arrived here with a small group of nobles and their entourages.  Several of the guards were gathered around a table, mugs filled with beer while the smell of beef stew and fresh bread wafted in from the kitchen.

“Everyone’s got to eat, you idiot.  Nowhere has land as fertile as the Crescent.  It’s funny that no one wants it, but usually it is metal everyone’s after.  Metal and gems.  Either that, or silk,” said another guard from inside his mug.

“Well, I hear that he’s just plain crazy, that he thinks that the more of his seed he plants, the more successful the actual plants will grow,” claimed a third guard, one that was younger than the first two.

“That’s either crazy or heretical; I’m not sure which.  But I don’t think that’s the case.  He doesn't come across as the type to care that much.  No, I think he’s just a dirty old man.  Probably doesn't realize he’s grown old and isn't that great of a catch,” insisted the first guard.

“Either way, he’s never tried to take advantage of a married woman, as far as I know.  He seems to respect them at any rate,” mused guard number two.

“That we know of,” agreed the first guard staunchly.

“He has so many daughters, and grand-daughters, that you’d figure he’d be practically giving them away,” said the third guard in a lower voice.  Surreptitiously looking around the room for a moment, he continues on to say, “Do you think I have a chance to...”

“No!  Don’t you finish that sentence,” interrupted the first guard.  “He’d probably put all our heads on the block for even thinking such a thing.”

“As for me, I think he just has control issues, but knows he doesn't have the power to boss around any of his peers.  Women and children are easy enough to control,” opines the second guard.

“I would figure they’d all be out of control with how many of them there are.  There are more of them than he could shake a fist at, and probably more than his guardsmen could contain if they really wanted to defy him.”

“I can imagine him making his wives fight each other for his favor.  Or maybe to leave them alone.  Could go either way.  It seems like the kind of entertainment that would keep things exciting after he got used to having so many women around.”

The second guard just shook his head and turned away, while the youngest guard just stared at the first guard with a look that was half shock, half grin.  The expression didn't fade until the second guard cuffed him on the back of the head as though he were an errant child.

“Only in the winter, when there isn't much else to do,” said a soft, dry voice from behind the first guard.  He turned his head to see a young woman standing there.  Although she was carrying food for them, her clothing showed that she wasn't a mere servant.  Suddenly that guard became very interested in his mug.  The young woman had a look of mild amusement on her face as she set a bowl of hot stew in front of each man.

“Next time, you should be careful what you say; someone important might actually hear you,” she said wryly before turning to leave.  By the time it occurred to the guards that they should say something she was gone.

Edosa still looked amused when she entered her father’s chambers.  Although she loved her father, even she couldn't call the old man anything other than what he was: fat.  She heard many stories that he was fit enough in his youth, but after reaching a certain age, he stopped caring about such trivialities and things starting going to his waist.  None of that mattered to Edosa though; she stepped up to him and pecked him on the cheek, as was their custom.

“You look amused, my Daughter,” he rumbled softly.

“You’re as popular as ever with those outside your lands,” she returned with a hint of a smirk, sitting on a chair next to him.

“Which is to say, not at all,” he replied with a grin.  “Excellent.”

“Doesn't it ever bother you that so many people misjudge you?”

“I gave that up years ago, before you were even born.  It is what it is, and so far it’s actually served me quite well.  As long as they underestimate me, I’m left alone.  That means you, and everyone else under my protection, stays safe.”  He shrugged his large shoulders slowly.  When at rest, he was quite sluggish, but even with his extra weight, he could move deceptively quickly despite his age and girth when occasion called for it.

“You spoil us.”

“I spoiled myself first.”

“And it shows.”

“What did I do to deserve such an impudent daughter?” he said, almost woefully.  Lord Brellis was teasing, however.  Edosa was one of his favorites.  Though he always claimed to have no favorites at all, it was well known that he had a few.  And none could blame him since he had so many children, and grandchildren, that it would be hard for even the most saintly of men to avoid the temptation; and Brellis was far from a saint.  “Don’t answer that,” he said in mock hastiness.  “On a more serious note, did you hear anything interesting?”

“Mostly the usual, though it seems one of the new theories about your vast number of children is that you believe that more fertile wives means more fertile land.”

“Ah, if only it worked that way; I could have grown any exotic plant I wanted,” Brellis said with a laugh, leaning back in his seat.

Edosa talked with her father for some time before leaving his side.  Whatever people thought of him, he was still the uncontested Lord of this land, and so there were many bids for his time.  This often saddened Edosa, but there was no help for it.  Many of the family tried to coax him into letting his eldest son take the reins, but Brellis wasn't ready to ‘retire’ quite yet.  Lyeos was a good man, but he wasn't nearly as clever as his father.  And even though he was a grandfather himself now, he didn't seem eager to take his father’s place; perhaps he had been living in the man’s shadow for far too long.  He wasn't young or impulsive anymore and time had made him a steady, if rather uninteresting, man.

Edosa herself was one of Brellis’ youngest actual children.  Many of his wives, after a certain point in time, actually had grounds to leave the marriage if they so chose since these marriages were rarely consummated.  Any of these younger women who found the old and rather corpulent Lord to be unappealing could settle for one of his sons.  Most of Brellis’ sons were unmarried, and while a small number of them found bedding their father’s wives to be distasteful, many of them were more than happy to help them have children if that was their inclination.  Edosa’s mother, however, was from a very traditional family and she wouldn't bend.  Although her first impression of Brellis was a poor one, she was determined to do her duty, and the only man she would lie with was her husband.  This determination won his approval, though he never held a reluctance to come near him against his other wives.

So when Edosa was born, she was rather spoiled by Brellis, which hadn't happened in some time.  While he was interested in his grandchildren, they weren't the same as his own children; many of his earlier wives had already either passed away or become barren, and the younger wives preferred the company of his sons.  Edosa was the oldest of her mother’s three children, and remained the shining star in her father’s eyes.  It helped that she proved herself to be intelligent, but what was more important, was the rare skill of knowing when to joke and when to be serious.  He often teased her by saying that if she had been a son she would have made a marvelous diplomat.  

It was actually a source of disappointment to Edosa that her options were so limited.  Women were not empowered to do much more than get married, and it was generally just a matter of when and to whom.  The very unfortunate women who failed to get married had to depend on the kindness of their families, and often times they lived on charity.  If Lord Brellis wasn't so careful about caring for all his offspring, Edosa’s life would have had a far different flavor.  As it was she was highly educated and given much personal freedom...when she wasn't playing up her role as a timid girl frightened of her overbearing father.

Beginning of a Story

6 years ago

Just as a note, this is all that exists of this piece as far as actual writing goes.  It was a blurb that was inspired by a prompt ages ago (which I've lost) and went a bit longer than I expected, but I don't have a fully fleshed out story to follow.

I posted it because a friend of mine read it and praised it quite a bit.  So I need folks to tone me down a peg or two so I don't let it get to my head. ;)  I know I can count on you. >.<  (Yes, I'm in a weird mood.)

Beginning of a Story

6 years ago
Well I won't go over it in too much detail if it's not something you're interested in continuing, but I guess the first issue that jumped out at me would be that it starts off with four fat paragraphs of exposition about this man and his family followed immediately by the guards going over most of the same details once again.

(Just as a general thing watch out for novelty verbs and -ly adverbs in dialogue tags because I was seeing a distracting amount of those btw.)

The thing about the guy and his family carrying on this elaborate ruse could be revealed as an important twist within the story (as well as why they're doing it) but instead you just explain it to us all in the least interesting way possible before the story even starts. Edosa 'plays up her role as a timid girl frightened of her overbearing father' we're told, which is just...okay, I'll take your word for it I guess? But otherwise where in the actual story does this happen? Not seeing it and not seeing yet why we should we care.

If this were the first page of a real project I'd say scrap the first quarter of it entirely and use that extra space to introduce some hint of whatever the plot will be.

Beginning of a Story

6 years ago

I know you always keep an eye out for dialogue tags, and to be honest, it's something that I always have had trouble with.  Mostly because opinions seem  to keep changing on whether the most basic is best, or not, and whether or not to skip them after the speakers are established.  I just never feel that anything I do with dialogue tags is right.

Anyhow, there are two reasons I spelled it out.  One is that I generally don't 'stop' to take notes.  My notes are in the writing, and I usually take them out, or move them around later.  Mostly because I just want to get the ideas out before I lose them, and chopping them up first makes me lose focus.  In this story in particular, the background information is to establish that the readers know something a future character does not.

Honestly, I might never have continued along with it, but since my friend showed interest, I might try to go somewhere with it.