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faiths fire

2 months ago

this is my first true attempt on creative writing apart from horrible star wars fanfiction anyway I done this for a school project so I was limited heavily because of that and of being a noob at writing.  enough talking about me here's the link https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ozap0DnZWo9OVo9qokJQXCugOohxvaVGLOA7B3b83kA/edit?usp=sharing please give actual constructive criticism apart from that rip me apart limb from limb

the name is a work in progress i made it when the story was vastly different and darker but as this was for a school project i has to abandon the idea

faiths fire

2 months ago
Can't do a real critique just now but that's short enough you could just paste it directly into the thread so people don't have to copy and paste your link. (Never underestimate the apathy of others.)

At a glance I'd say the first thing you want to do is give it another proofreading pass, focusing on punctuation in particular. It's easier for anyone reading it to focus on the actual content when the presentation is cleaned up. (I'd recommend googling how to punctuate dialogue...or just grabbing a novel off the shelf and looking at examples.)

faiths fire

2 months ago

ok I will copy and paste the story the now and fix errors tomorrow

faiths fire

2 months ago

The holy city burned in the distance as a lone rider made their way towards the burning city urgently. Once he arrived near the city gates he could hear the agonising screams of the city's residents the smell of death and burning hung in the air. The city was completely devastated inside the city walls trading wagons toppled over, charred bodies littered across the cobble streets and the people god the people’s agonising ries for help it was almost to much for the lone rider he dismounts and walks towards a heavily burned and dying old man.

“What has happened sir?”

“The holy one said he would save us…. Save us he said but damn him for he has killed us all”

The old man breaks down sobbing the lone rider sees that it would be pointless to keep trying to converse with the old man so he drew his dagger and put him out of his misery.

Moments later he heard a explosion and looked to the source it was the gunpowder deposits if the gunpowder deposits have been compromised then i must get to the temple he thought he left his horse and ran towards the city's temple.


 

The temple was in chaos hundreds of people were kept in the courtyard by the temple guards the people beg or curse the guards and priests what has happened here he thought.

“Inquisitor robert what brings you back here so early?” a voice called out from behind

Robert replies “grave tidings my friend where is the holy one i must speak with him this moment?”

The priest “The holy one is in his chambers he said not to be disturbed unless if it was urgent”

Robert replied “Thank you my friend may the gods watch over you”

“May they watch and guide you friend”.


 

When robert entered the temple he could not believe his eyes crosses were scattered across the temple gods he plans to kill them all i must stop him he thought robert started running towards the holy ones chambers.

Once he got there he could hear screaming from the other side of the door robert tried to burst through but the doors were sealed shut robert realised he had to try and break through the door so he looked for some kind of weapon he found an axe and decided to pick it up and hit the hit with all his strength.

Minutes later he managed to break through what he saw was as if the 10 devils themselves were here limbs were scattered across the room and the holy one was sacrificing a priest to some unknown devil.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE YOU DEMONIC BASTARD?” robert roars

“I have done what is necessary to save you fools the old ones have awoken and only the blood of the holy and pure can stop them”

“You have lost your bloody mind how could you do this to your own followers?”

“Must we go around circles like this kill me if you wish but know this my death will not assist in the war against the old ones if i live we will have a fighting chance so make your choice inquisitor”

Robert sat on a stool across the room and prayed to his god for aid and wisdom “sparrrre him” a voice called out when robert looked around he see no one apart from the holy one and the dead priest a chill went up his spine the voice was dark and cold what was that voice is that God or am i going crazy thought robert he decided to unsheath his longsword and stab the holy one through the heart

“FOOL YOU WILL ALL DIE WITHOUT MY HELP” the holy one cried out

He fell and a coldness swept across the chamber robert walked out towards the courtyard.


 

Once he arrived the people cursed him “BASTARD” “HERETIC” “TRAITOR” the shouts continued for 10 minutes once the people calmed down he announced “the holy one is dead we must hold a tribunal for a new leader”

This caused an uproar the people rejoiced, the priests cursed and attempted to attack robert the temple guards stood by passively “ORDER” a man is crimson robes shouts “WE MUST MAINTAIN ORDER INQUISITOR EXPLAIN YOURSELF”

Robert explains what happened in the holy one’s chambers

“So the holy one killed one of our holy order and had delusions of some new threat called the “old ones” and tried to burn down the city this is alot to take in i must have a week to ponder over this troubling events” the man in the crimson robes say.

Just then ten large shadows appeared over the city their shape was completely alien the noise they made could make even the most sane man go mad.

“God save us” someone shouts from the crowd gathered.

 

faiths fire

2 months ago
Commended by mizal on 9/18/2018 5:53:35 AM

I'm sorry, maybe it's not my place to judge but I nearly woke up all the other people in my home with laughter. So. I will only speak for the story side, since I know nothing of technical game stuff (although I gathered that something might be wrong there too).

You are young, you have a lot of writing experiences to make and you should keep inventing stories. But (you know it was coming) anyone who wants to create something elaborate must learn the basics first. You wouldn't give the job of building a skyscraper to someone who doesn't know how to put a brick over another, and so on with the metaphors. Grammar in this case is the basis, the atomic structure of your fantasy world, so you have to improve on it (punctuation in particular) unless you want to write another 20 pages of hilarious gibberish.  I know that your school should already be taking care of this though, and besides you might want an example to show you how to concretely use grammar rules in a story. Therefore, my only tried & trusted advice is read. Read a lot. And even if you're more interested on developing the videogame side of the story, don't read only internet stuff because a lot of people online probably write worse than you. Try to stick with real books for a while, they at least go through the publishing process so they have less chances of being full of errors. I guarantee you that by reading constantly you will absorb most grammar conventions through osmosis.

Finally, don't read this as some ass patronizing you, it probably came out that way but I genuinely just wanted to give you a bit of advice and thank you for the free laugh.

P. S. Do not look at this post as an example of good writing, I barely avoid misspelling and English is not my mother tongue. There's a reason why I'm only a reader here.

faiths fire

2 months ago

Aand I managed to reply to the wrong post. Way to go. I hope you understood I was referring to the whole thread anyway.

Karstark's shitty attempts at story writing

2 months ago

You watch as the elves go through your belongings, you try to protest, but feel a blunt pain at the back of your head. After the elves take anything of value, an elf approaches you and places a bag over your head, you try to resist but reconsider when you feel a spear stabbing into your back.
After 20 minutes of walking and falling later, the elf you saw takes the bag off your head and demands that you approach, he? (you can never tell with these elves) asks how you found them.
"I asked your sister," you say and then you get punched in the stomach.
"I will give you one last chance human," he says with disdain and then spits at your feet.
"I already told you, your sister told me also she was asking after you" you reply with a smirk, but the victory is short-lived, and you get backhanded
"Is that the worst you've got?" you taunt
"Human I will not hesitate to kill you just know this I will make it agonizingly slow and painful unless you tell me how you found us" he replies with a look of anger and disdain.
"Do your worst knife ears your kind are weaklings and cowards" you spit in his face, you are surprised when he orders his men to lock you away and storms away.
Once you arrive at your cell you see another prisoner, it's an old dwarf, he curses the guards when you see him.
"You pointy-eared bastards will release me or I will flay all you fuckers alive" he bellows and gets attacked with a club by the prison guards.
You curse your luck, only you would get cursed with accidentally finding an elvish outpost and then imprisoned with an angry dwarf.
After you get shoved into your cell you decide whether to sleep or talk to the dwarf.
option 1 talk to dwarf
option 2 fall asleep
You decide to go to sleep, you've had enough shit for one day.
You awake to being hit with clubs by the guards, you roll away then demand an explanation to which you are met with disdain, and more hitting, once the guard's get over their power trip they explain the clan elder demands your presence, you pick yourself up and go with them whilst secretly cursing the gods.
The clan elder seemed younger than most of the other elves here (must be their infamous youth magic at work) he walked towards you and asked you what the other knife eared bastard asked yesterday "how did you manage to find us" and as per usual threatened to kill you, if you would not comply, these elves are really starting to piss you off.
option 1 tell the truth
option 2 taunt him
You decide to not push your luck, and you tell the elder, that you stumbled across one of their outposts by accident while searching for your sister,  he doubts your story but decides to let you go, and that if you ever tell anyone where they are, he slides his knife across your cheek to empathize the point. Once you leave the village, you think about either continuing this stupidity knowing that your sister is probably dead, or heading back towards your hometown if you can find it, bloody elves have left you in an unknown region.
option 1 find sister
option 2 head home
You decide to continue on, but first, you must find a good place to rest for the night and then try to find her, after 40 minutes of aimlessly wandering you find an inn, that is cheap enough to not rob you, but as you reach for your coin pouch, you realize the bloody elves never returned your money. after ten minutes of cursing the elves, god and your bitch of a sister for vanishing, you decide either to try and earn your keep for the night or to risk sleeping in one of the trees.
option 1 earn your keep
option 2 sleep outside
You begin making your way towards the inn.   When you step into the inn, you find it to be mainly deserted apart, from a couple of halflings bundled in a corner, a hooded figure and a fat innkeeper, you head towards the fat man and ask how much a room is.
"it's 5 gold coins for a room or 2 coins to sleep in the hay," he tells you
you ask "is there any work I could do to instead of payment?."
"fucking hell, why does no one pay coin these days." he mutters but then remembers something 
"wait yes there was some horse shit at the back of the inn that I need rid off do that and I will let you sleep in the hay" he grins menacingly, you have a bad feeling about this but agree to do it nonetheless.
you arrive at what can only be described shithole, shit sprayed all over the wall, at least 10 piles of shit in a circle and to cap it all off there is a crazed man eating shit right in front of you, you are going to kill that fat bastard.
option 1 do what was requested
option 2 head back and deal with that fat fuck
You spend the next hour cleaning up the shit, whilst grumbling and continuously pushing away the crazy fuck who was eating the shit.
Once you finish, you head back inside and go to the innkeeper. once you find the bastard, he laughs in your face for five straight minutes, after he finishes laughing at your misfortune, he decides to be 'generous' and offers a room.
you accept and head up immediately to get some well-needed rest.
tomorrow you awake to the innkeeper dragging you out of your bed.
"WHAT YOU FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU FAT CUNT?" you demand to know, realizing that you are awake, he tells you that you must leave because he now has customers "who are actually willing to pay" you resist the urge to cut the bastard's throat and decide to continue your journey.
the path seems long and dark but you are sure you will find your sister.  

word count 1,039 words
 

Karstark's shitty attempts at story writing

2 months ago
What the fuck is this

Karstark's shitty attempts at story writing

2 months ago

Do your worst, knife ears.

Karstark's shitty attempts at story writing

2 months ago
You have no idea how hard it is to restrain myself from banning you for the lulz right now.

Karstark's shitty attempts at story writing

2 months ago

I was going to use another Karstark insult, but I'm actually afraid of getting banned. Lol.

Karstark's shitty attempts at story writing

one month ago

You pointy-eared bastard, I will flay you alive

Karstark's shitty attempts at story writing

one month ago
Personally I wouldn't have chosen to bump this thread, it will only draw attention to it. Bury it deep, let it die.

Karstark's shitty attempts at story writing

one month ago

Your sister was asking after you.

Karstark's shitty attempts at story writing

one month ago

WHAT YOU FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU FAT CUNT?

Karstark's shitty attempts at story writing

one month ago

YOU DEMONIC BASTARD