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Robert was a fisherman. Not as a job, but as a hobby. He loved fishing, loved the sea, loved his boat. He had his own little spot, right by the cliff. There weren’t too many fish, but to be brutally honest Robert would only go fishing to get away from the crazy, loud sounds of the city. And he did. He was finally alone, just him, the occasional fish and the big, blue sea that stretched for miles behind his back. Sometimes Robert would bring his daughters out on the boat with him, but he didn’t think they liked it. Too boring they said. Too boring and too lonely. 

 

Bailey hadn’t been happy in a long, long time. But standing on the edge of a cliff facing the sunset Bailey felt like she was flying. The only thing that saddened her was that she wouldn’t see her family in a while. But hopefully the note she left would console them. It wasn’t like she’d really been Bailey in a while anyway. She’d been this other-thing. Sad, depressed, lonely. But now? She was happy. She was flying. Just like a bird. 

 

Robert didn’t often encounter other people by his cliff. It was hard to get to, not worth the walk to most people these days. In the rare times that he did see people, they were usually couples that stayed for the amazing sunset. So when a small figure appeared at the cliff, Robert was a bit confused.

 

Bailey smiled at the sun. Her agony was going to end. Forever. She shuffled forward towards the end and looked down at the rocks. Would she pass out before she hit them? No. She wouldn’t them. She would fly.

 

Robert peered anxiously up at the cliff. This little girl reminded him of his daughters. She was behaving very strange, Robert thought. Almost as if she was going to jump. “Please don’t jump please don’t” Robert murmured as he turned his boat around towards the cliff. 

 

I’m going to do it.

Robert gasped and drew the boat closer. “Oh my god she’s going to jump!” he shrieked. “No….” but it was too late.

 

I’m flying into the sunset. I’m sorry Leila. I’m sorry Mum. I’m sorry Dad. But I’m happy now. Flying, flying flying...

 

Tears ran down Robert's cheeks. ‘Maybe she is still alive’ he thought but he had little hope as he snatched up his phone and called the emergency services.

Nice short little excerpt. I liked the fact that third person point of view was used for this. Nature description was not very long but adequate enough, and got the job done in creating the environment. The overall concept and idea of the story was good, and could probably be expanded into a CYOA. 

The length of the story was a little short. Now, short stories aren't bad, but in this case I got an incomplete feeling. You did explain who Robert was, but a better in-depth explaination would've been better. As for Bailey, well all I learnt about her was that she was depressed and suicidal for no mentioned reason; as a result I couldn't bond with either of the characters or have any significant feelings towards them. 

You mentioned that "Bailey felt she was flying," so I had assumed that she alreday jumped; but then you mention next that Robert saw her standing at the cliff, it broke the continuity of the story and me quite confused for a while. Also the transitions from Robert to Bailey and vice-versa, wasn't smooth and felt rather abrupt.

Syntax and grammar were overall fine, and I couldn't notice anything major at first glance; except for the line, "It wasn’t like she’d really been Bailey in a while anyway." You should've used a pronoun in place of Bailey, kind of like,"It wasn’t like she'd really been herself anymore." Not using pronouns where required makes reading sentences feel a bit weird so keep that point in mind.

Good attempt overall, though could've been better if it was a bit longer.

Oh, I hadn't even noticed this thread.

Think I would've liked it better if he'd somehow made her change her mind about jumping. That would've been an unexpected twist that ended it on an uplifting note, while stories that end in suicide are kind of the emo teenage standard around here.

Agreed with Shouja that this needed a bit more to establish the characters. Not that it's necessary to go too much into Bailey's backstory, 'depressed teen' is pretty self explanatory, but something more of a direct parallel or contrast to Robert or his family's situation would have brought it all together more even if the plot hadn't changed. Robert just randomly witnessed a suicide without being able to do much to effect it or it meaning much beyond "sad thing is sad", but you don't really get a satisfying or thought provoking story out of random events. You need some kind of glue to bind it all together.

The actual writing itself is fine, it's an easy and natural feeling read. There's some punctuation stuff with the dialogue but this is from a couple weeks ago and I know you've gotten a lot of that sorted out in the meantime.

Thanks guys! I really appreciate your feedback. I kind of forgot about this piece, so it was nice to see it again, especially as this time being able to spot my own errors- which I didn't see two weeks ago. :)