I’m running late again. The bus leaves in five and I’m not going to make it, but I’m running for it anyway. And then you’re there. You’re walking; you’re slow and you’re assured and boy the weather is nice today. But I’m running and I’m drowning in the heat and I can’t catch you no matter how much I run. Sweat bleeds from me, but I keep pounding forward, and now I’m choking and I’m stumbling and the bus is gone, but you’re still here. Now, I’m running from you. I’m running, but I’m going nowhere because I’m tethered to you and I want to scream-
But I don’t know how.
I’m late again. My friends wait at the bus stop and eventually I trundle into the city and we walk to Southbank together and things are well. Time drags on. School is tomorrow and I’m dreading it, but for now we’re just walking, through the plaza and past the pool. The sun crushes down on us and my head is pounding and I see people swimming in the pool. I see a man. He’s swimming and the sun shines golden on him and the water is cool on his skin. Now, I’m swimming too. I’m swimming, but the water is soup around me. It’s soup around me and it’s boiling and I’m trying to break free but I can’t. I’m clawing. I’m clawing at the soup, and I’m trying, I really am, but the soup consumes me. The soup is me. And now I’m sinking. I’m sinking and I’m trying but I’m going nowhere because I’m tethered to the bottom and I’m swimming and I’m trying and I want to breathe-
But, I don’t know how.
I’m home again. The day has cooled into evening and I’m content as magpies squawk around me. But I’m not. The demons, they’re here again, and they’re taunting, they’re jeering, and I know they’ll catch me because I don’t know how to run and I don’t know how to swim. So I hide. I’m hiding in my own home, but I have no choice because they’re everywhere. So I hide. And now I’m under the bed and they’re coming closer. Now they’re you. You’re coming and you’re everywhere and I’m under the bed and I can’t move, but now I’m rising. I’m rising through the bed and for a moment I am the bed, with its heavy blanket, ice cold, but now I’m through and I’m on the bed. I’m on the bed and I sweep the blanket over me, but the night swelters on and the blanket has become a measly sheet. And now you’re here and I’m trying to hide, but the sheet refuses to hide me. I’m hiding and I’m failing and you’re here in my ear and all I can do is hear you, but I don’t want to listen. Now, you’re inside me. And I try roll away from you but I’m going nowhere, because I’m tethered to the bed and I’m rolling and I’m hiding and all I want is to go to sleep-
But, I don’t know how.
I’m up again. I’m up late at night because I don’t know how to sleep and I’m writing. I’m writing but I’m plagued; I’m plagued by shame and by guilt and by sadness and now I’m being swamped. And it’s all crashing down on top of me and I don’t know what to do because every time I try to go somewhere, I go nowhere. And I’m sitting and I’m writing and I hear you get up and as you come down the stairs I’m terrified. I can’t face you. I won’t face you. I don’t know how to face you. And I want to get up and brush past you as though this isn’t happening, but it is happening and I can’t because I’m tethered to this chair and you pull up beside me. I want to cry and oh, Lord, I so desperately want to cry-
But, I don’t know how.
But this time, there is no next time. You’ve caught me. You sit and I’m sitting and I’m waiting but you don’t say anything and I feel like I’ve failed you because I can’t scream and I can’t breathe and I can’t sleep. But, you believe in me. And you wrap your arms around me and I realise that it was cold, but now it’s warm and it’s all right. And I sit there and it’s all I can do to whisper because I don’t how to do anything else, but that’s alright with you, so I whisper. And it’s fleeting, but the sound is there and I whisper “Mum” again and again and again, until dawn breaks and light glares in the window once more and it’s time for school.
And I’m sitting here, and I’m finishing writing and you’ve long since gone back to bed. But you’re tethered to me. No matter how far away you really are, you’re tethered to me. You’ll always be tethered to me.
You’re tethered to me and that’s okay.
