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Pineapple demon

4 years ago

This was written by a friend. I dislike it myself, though I would like the community thoughts on it, so i can rephrase it in a nice way and tell her. 

 

Pineapple Demon 

    It’s the last sacrifice I need to do. If I don’t do it today, I can never do it again. The book said it has to be done in the month of October and has to be done before Halloween. So it is a day before Halloween and I have to choose between my girlfriend or my sister. It says it has to be a female I really care about, my mother will kill me if anything happens to my little sister. So I choose my girlfriend, I had a fight with her and broke up with her today, so I can have an apology picnic with her at the sacrificing site. I told her I will cook the picnic since I am a good cook, but the only thing in the basket was a knife. That I used for the other sacrifices, the book said I had to use the same knife for all of the sacrifices or it won’t work. When I picked her up she was wearing the sundress I bought her for her birthday last week.
   

I went to the sacrificing site earlier to place a picnic blanket over the pentagram so she wouldn't get suspicious as to why I brought her there. She walked over to my car and got in, she hasn’t fully forgiven me I can tell she is still mad at me. There was a deafening silence on the ride to the ‘picnic’ site. It was like she was already dead just haunting me. Once we get there I tell her it’s a surprise and tell her to close her eyes.
   

“Don’t open them until I say so, okay?” At least she still trusts me enough to listen to me. As I lead her to the site, which also has a beautiful view, I know she will like it. I ask her to hold the basket and she complains about how heavy and unscented it is. I tell her to stand right there and I grab the basket and place it on the ground, “Now open them.”
   

She is at aw looking at the view. I sit on the blanket and she sits next to me and takes out her phone to take pictures. She was going to take a picture of us together on the blanket with the view in the background. I stopped her I don’t want evidence of her up here with me at all. She is still gazing at the wonderful view.
 

  “This is beautiful, why have you never took me up here before?” She asks playfully, “Do you come up here a lot it seems you like you know the way by heart.” 
 

  “Yeah. I come up here to think, usually I have a lot to think about.”
 

  “Well you are forgiven for this wonderful picnic, can we eat now I’m starving?” She begins to open the picnic basket and I start to freak out.
 

  “Wait! Let me serve you. Today you will be treated like a queen as a way of apologizing to you for overreacting.” I try to make it sound apologetic and it seems like I succeeded for now.
   

I grab the basket and open it so only I can see what’s inside. I slowly, without a sound grab the bundle of cloth wrapped around the knife and start to unravel it. With very swift moves I am on top of her, stabbing her. She starts to scream, I loved her and hearing those deafening screams I start to cry, I made the sacrifice now. I feel this excruciating pain on the top of my head, it ends as fast as it began.I feel warm drops on my head I touch the where the warm mysterious liquid hit I look at my hand it’s blood, my blood. The same excruciating pain happens on my back this time, the same as my head but last a lot longer. I felt a rumble I thought it was the demon in me coming out, but it came from above, mud started rolling down the hill and towards me. I look over the clift one last time knowing I am going to suffocate in mud. I accept my fate.
 

  100 years later, the pineapple farmers plant a huge pineapple plantation over the mudslide area, a pineapple is planted right above the pentagram. After ripening the pineapple is taken to the local grocery store, where I buy it, it is amazing it is like I never had a pineapple ever. I get a headache this is very unusual, I never get headaches, I want more but I am learning about the enzyme bromelain, like if I eat too much the bromelain is digesting the proteins in my tongue. I can’t stop eating the pineapple, I eat half of the pineapple I stopped myself. I feel my headache getting worse by the seconds I touch where the pain is I feel blood, weird, I reach further I feel bone. I ran to a mirror I look in it I see horns devil horns the pain is gone now, I am really confused, why am I growing horns. I think of all of the possibilities, I just ate a pineapple I look at the leftovers. There is nothing I see alarming, I feel sick thinking about becoming a demon. 
   

I call in sick at work, I am about to die, right? I feel like it, the only thing I want to do is eat that pineapple, so I do. I started to eat it again, I get back pain I eat more, again I can’t stop eating it. The pain grows and grows the next thing I know is falling to the floor and everything goes dark. I wake up on the floor, I get up and I go straight to a mirror I have demon wings. I am a demon now, I have a lot more potential than I had before, the world isn’t prepared for me.

Pineapple demon

4 years ago
I made it to the first line of the second paragraph. That sentence could use some work. I briefly skimmed through the rest. The structure and flow feels really forced. It reads like someone telling a bad story around a campfire. I hope she's a looker. Let's see, something constructive...I would encourage her to add a little variety and get away from the basic "I go here. I do this. I feel that." That's kind of how the whole thing reads at a glance. Maybe add more descriptors. It's very surface-y from what I can tell. As I didn't examine it too closely, I don't have any comments on the plot itself, but it seems like an edgy mess. Also, I read your intro as "I dislike myself."

Pineapple demon

4 years ago

I forgot to mention that she is submitting this to a contest and to word limit is 1k. This is exactly 1k. In any case this was helpful, thanks.

Pineapple demon

4 years ago
Is this what you've been doing instead of writing those reviews, Serpent?

Pineapple demon

4 years ago

No. I already said this was made by a friend, and that I didn't like it. 

If I had wrote this there is no way I would have put it on here to be hanged 

As for the reviews I've just been a lazy ass. Don't have much of an excuse there, though I hope to start again soon.