Non-threaded

Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Thread

Find proofreaders here, useful resources, and share opinions and advice on story crafting.

Ventriloquist- Preview

8 years ago

This is the first page of a story that me and Clayton_97 are writing. Its meant to be a horror. But starts off more as a sad story. I hope you enjoy the first page. Some criticism and improvements are very helpful. I have noticed that I have used quite a lot of uses of the word "Says." So please don't say that. As I already know. Anyway, enjoy this first page of our story!

 

The Birth of Suzy Hellock

"A beautiful baby girl!" Says the midwife. "MY baby girl!" Says Sarah, the mother of Suzy, the new child. "What shall we name her Dylan?" "I don't know. Maybe Suzy?" "Perfect!" Mother says and then smiles. "My beautiful baby Suzy!" She picks up Suzy gives her a gentle hug and brushes the first few tufts of her hair. "Shhhh... Mummy won't hurt you." She says, gently brushing Suzy's hair again. "Lets go home."

The Hellock family get into the Ford Anglia they own. "Old and classy" said Dylan. "Can't beat the classics!" says Sarah, smiling. They all set off on the journey back to their new cottage when they hear an explosion.

A gas station is blowing up!

Flames hurl in all directions followed by loud screams of terror. Mothers running with their children and whizzing off in their cars to safety. Dylan presses his foot down very hard on the accelerator. They shoot forward at high speed. "That was clo-" Dylan says. Suddenly, a large ash tree goes up in flames and falls over. It is falling onto the Ford Anglia!

Sarah sees it instantly and picks up Suzy to run out of the car. But unfortunately, Dylan did not see it. "DYLAN!" Sarah shouts. But it is too late. He is dead. The impact shatters the glass windshield, forcing Sarah into a defensive position so that she can shield her precious child, her little baby. 

"Shhh. It'll be okay, little one. Momma's here. Shh." She coos to the child.

Everything changed that day.

 

Ventriloquist- Preview

8 years ago

I, of course, love where it is going.

Ventriloquist- Preview

8 years ago

I like it. I can't wait to read the whole thing!

 

Ventriloquist- Preview

8 years ago

Welcome back.

Ventriloquist- Preview

8 years ago

I'm glad you like it Nicolerhi. And of course, welcome back to CYS!

(Not many people will recognize you though.)

Ventriloquist- Preview

8 years ago

Thumbs up from me!

Ventriloquist- Preview

8 years ago

Cheers! We're both glad you like it.