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Looking for beta tester!

8 years ago

This is a story that's still being written.

It's an RPG, fantasy, story that I think has potential.

Please respond if you wish to test.

Looking for beta tester!

8 years ago

I can't really beta-test, my Aussie friend. But I'm gonna call in people for this.

@Kiel_Farren

@Will11

@DerpBacon

Looking for beta tester!

8 years ago

I probably would.

Looking for beta tester!

8 years ago
I would humbly suggest that you ask for testers when the story is actually written. Otherwise there's not really much for them to do, is there?

Looking for beta tester!

8 years ago

RPG fantasy?

Can I at least have some more details on the story itself? I'd be happy to beta test.

Looking for beta tester!

8 years ago

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/viewer/default.aspx?StoryId=33614

There is the URL.

I just need people to tell me what to improve on and point out any spelling/grammatical mistakes.

Looking for beta tester!

8 years ago

Clickable link to game.

I'll go check it out soon.

Looking for beta tester!

8 years ago

Ok, this is ... better, but not by much. I'm still confused about a lot of things and the detail is still rather poor. Also, please stop spacing out every sentence, it makes your story look more empty, not less. I didn't give you a long review, so I'm going to touch on a few things here:

"It has been five months since the queen had placed a tax on magic."

-Why-? This is the event that, so far, is driving our plot and I still don't understand why it happened or why it should bother me. 

"She was never a popular ruler, but her newest move isn't helping her."

Okay, you're almost getting somewhere here, but WHY was she never a popular ruler?

"To make matters worse, she is known to use tax payers money for her own expensive purposes."

Like what?  

"Tonight, her tyrannic rein will come to an end."

It's "reign", actually. Reins are for horses.

"Tonight you are to lead a group in a swift revolution."

Why? I still don't understand this. I don't understand why being poor is an issue for magicians, to be perfectly honest with you. They have magic. Even at its most basic, magic is still capable of killing the shit out of forest creatures. Why do I even need a gun to hunt? How am I not making a ton of money off of furs and meat via my awesome, magical killing abilities? And that's the least creative thing I can think of to do to make money as a mage. If I have any good nature magic, I shouldn't need to rely on anyone else for food. Hell, I should be able to feed an army single-handedly.

Why did the queen even think making a tax on this was a good idea? This is like a kid with a stick bullying a dragon. It doesn't make sense. Why did literally anyone agree to this? And ... why am I the one leading the revolution? Am I particularly strong? Extremely passionate about the cause? A great speaker?

"The two of you look at the royal house."

Great ... what about it? No comments at all?

"You almost feel bad for this man as he is so unaware of what is about to happen to him."

Almost? Isn't that a little cold, considering he's just some poor bastard working for the queen, likely dragged into her service just like my parents?

"You take up a position that will help you use your magic."

A fighting stance? A headstand? High ground? What?

"but one of them pulls out a knife and strikes you in the back while you are vulnerable. "

Weapons are not traditionally allowed in ball rooms at grand royal parties for the express purpose of keeping this sort of thing from happening. I mean, I knew security was lax for this thing, but I just assumed everyone forged invitations and had magic so they didn't need to smuggle in weapons, not that no one was checked at the door.

"Can you imagine a world with that tax still in place?"

No. No, I really can't, because I have literally no idea why it's a problem or how it would even work.

"The Royal Hairs"

Is ... is that really what you meant to say? xD

Maybe I can make this a bit clearer, though. To give you an example of what I meant by 'detail and finesse' in my review, I'm going to try writing a page from your story. Let's try "The endless night":

---

As you and U-Dan silently trudge toward the Royal House, kicking up dust from the dirt road beneath you, you feel an ever growing sense of anxiety. It won't be long now. Your heart is pounding in your ribcage, reminding you of your morality. It's as if it knows, should you fail, that it will never beat again. You will either live as a murderer or die as a martyr, but there's no turning back now.

When you reach Her Majesty's domicile, you are filled with revulsion at the sight of the gilded, glittering building, with its extravagant statues, fountains, and the smells of rich food wafting from its windows and doors. You have heard tales of how the rich eat, stuffing their faces like animals, only to force themselves to vomit up their meal just so they can keep eating. As far as you're concerned, they might as well be feasting on the flesh of the orphans they've left starving in the streets.

As you tread closer, you see an endless line of carriages with fine horses, each one having carried a nobleman or woman here to their doom. In the windows, you can see women in long, flowing ball gowns and it sickens you to know that the price of just one of their outfits could've fed a family for a year. Such a waste, then, that they'll all be stained with blood by morning. Such is the price of their vanity.  

When you are close enough to catch sight of the queen herself, in all her glittering glory, you feel your body tense. U-Dan catches a glimpse of her, too and his fists clench in anger as he stands beside you. You glance up at the position of the moon in the sky and gage the time, going over the plan in your head, the number of guests, the layout of the house ... but there's no more preparation you can do that you haven't already done. You are ready.

"Kais ... is it time?" U-Dan asks you, with a tremor of anticipation in his voice. You can't tell if he's excited, scared, or angry--perhaps all three. It doesn't matter. You can't go back now. Or ... can you?

---

^ That is the level of detail I'd like to see. 

Looking for beta tester!

8 years ago

Thanks for that. I will really start to crack down on those issues and add more detail (Probably not as well written as that though).

But on the point of why the queen is hated so much, it really comes down to her being a parody of Tony Abott and Speaker Browny (The Australian Primminister and the Australian speaker of parliaments (Famous for hiring a helicopter to a fund raiser)). I first wrote it based on my fantasy of shooting either of them in the face. The rest of the story sort of just came to be. So sorry about that.

Also, here is V1.3: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/viewer/default.aspx?StoryId=33614

Looking for beta tester!

8 years ago

Looking for beta tester!

8 years ago