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I thought about putting this in the Writing Workshop, but then I figured that was more for Storygames than anything else.

Anyways, I wrote a poem and I wanted to know what you guys thought of it. You are all writers, after all.

I'd like to see what you guys have written, as well.

I call it Thump.

Floating through empty streets and

Hov’ring over park benches.

 

Fly above foreign fields and

Dig out new trenches in the

 

Skin of an Angel just to

See what color of blood she

 

Has. Has she?

 

It takes Heart to Bleed.

Does yours even Beat?

 

After three hours with no reply, I'm beginning to think that this whole post was a mistake.

I'm sorry Jack, but poetry is not my specialty..

There is no need to apologize. In fact, I thank you for even bothering to say something.

I'll try something. I like the last two sentences, don't understand much of any before. Your capitalising is a bit odd. Is that for a reason? Same goes for the elision.

I always capitalize the first letter of a line. I also capitalize words that hold importance to the message. The beginning is kind of talking about how it feels when nobody cares (including yourself); you kinda float through life and just let things happen. The elision was just to keep the meter correct.

XD Generally, posting poetry online & asking ppl to critique does not end well. It's brave of you to try.

Official comment: Brought to mind Marie's poems from P4G.

Also, unofficial comment: really? i suppose it could just be nerves about putting your poetry out there, but complaining about a lack of replies after only 3 hours is kinda needy.  :p

 

Yeah, I realized it was a horrible idea a few moments after I did it. I wasn't sure if I should have just tried to let it fade into the depths of the lounge or make a pointless comment. 

I thought it was good. I especially liked the ending to it. This was a free verse poem where there is no rhyming, but still good.

You don't use threaded view, do you?

Don't have much critique on it but I like to read poetry and yours is honestly quite good. Also, usually poets have a particular reason for capitalising the first letter of their lines.

Thank you. I just capitalize it because I like the way it looks, lol.

Personally I prefer hearing my poetry, but nevertheless you did alright. It was well constructed and I could totally imagine this in a slam poetry contest if you extended it and went more in-depth with visual elements, symbolism and the like. That's the only thing I had against it: I felt like I couldn't quite imagine it, which is something I tend to do when reading. I visualise it peanut butter jelly! 

All in all, pretty good job, dude! That third last line felt really vivid for me, despite only being three words. XD 

Thanks! I really do need to work on making these things seem more vivid. I really appreciate the feedback.

I'm not fond of the flow and I'm not sure what you're trying to say. It's ... interesting, but in a passing sort of way that mildly odd things often are, because without clarity of purpose, it doesn't leave an impression, and without a more pleasant flow, it can't easily stuck in one's head like a catchy tune as many good poems do--and those are generally the main reasons I enjoy poetry in the first place.

Thanks for the feedback. I can see how it would only hold mild interest to an observer, and that mostly has to do with the fact that it was written for one person; they would already be aware of the situation being described. You're right, I do need to work on the flow. Thanks for pointing that out.

I thought is was called "Trump" until I read it and then still thought it was called "Trump" until I re-read it

Honestly though, you've got some nice poetry! Keep it up.

XD Thanks, man. I'll try.

"It takes Heart to Bleed.

Does yours even Beat?"

#savage #burn #damn #rekt #420

I was excited to write a new story for Creative Writing class, but apparently the rubric wasn't ready, so we had to spend a day writing "5 ws" poems (Each line has to answer something about the setting: Who, what, when, where, etc.). After the first one, I felt fed up with that shit, so I wrote this one and filled the rest of the page with angry "Slender"-like drawings of eyeballs and mouths:

IN THE LOCKED ROOM DOWNSTAIRS
ONE MOONLESS NIGHT
WITH THE NOISES AND GLISTENING TEETH
THE MAN WITH THE KNIFE LASHING OUT IN THE DARKNESS
NOW SAFE FROM THE THING IN THAT HOUSE

The teacher didn't ask me to write any more of those.

Haha! That kinda seems like something I would do, weirdly. I draw a lot of "satanic-seeming" things just to mess with people.

Always fun to be caught drawing Cthulhu by 40-year-old ladies who don't know what Cthulhu is...

You betcha!

xD

Not.  Gradual.  Enough.

Interesting... I'll keep that in mind. Thanks.

Here, take this.

This should really help out. Thanks.