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I am making a long story about a girl that leaves her hometown and goes to a coven. I am going to have 13 events in the story like how there are usually 13 episodes in a season of a TV series.

In the beginning not much happens. A girl is sent to a coven and her grandmother, her last living relative disappears without a trace after giving her directions to a coven where she will be safe.

she goes and meets some people and trains her skills in peace for a while.

Then the Coven is attacked by religious fanatics and vandalized.

After that the point of view switches to another witch. The supreme witch and her daughter arrange a marriage for the main character (Witches need to have ties to politics) but realize she comes from a very strong bloodline and sends this witch in her place. I am going to make her find dead bodies and Asian women in his basement that are going to be sold into the sex trade. She will then be tied up and need to use her power to escape and free the women. The man will also be a boss fight as he attempts to sacrifice the character to the devil.

Please let me know if this is a good story. I don't want to make it boring or short. I intend on making a few plot twists also.

So, it's a cross between AHS Coven and Bates Motel? XD

In the beginning not much happens.

. . . that's really not a very good beginning then.

A girl is sent to a coven and her grandmother, her last living relative disappears without a trace after giving her directions to a coven where she will be safe.

Uh, the way you wrote that, she's sent to the coven, and then her grandma disappears after giving her directions to . . . is it the coven she's already at, or a different, safer coven?

Does the girl already know she's a witch?

she goes and meets some people and trains her skills in peace for a while.

Then the Coven is attacked by religious fanatics and vandalized.

Like they always are. 

After that the point of view switches to another witch.

Why?

The supreme witch and her daughter arrange a marriage for the main character (Witches need to have ties to politics)

ties to politics?  why?

but realize she comes from a very strong bloodline and sends this witch in her place.

Which witch?  I'm super confused right now.

 So for reasons unexplained, you switch midstory to a different character who isn't the main character, but is going to an arranged marriage instead of the main character? 

I am going to make her find dead bodies and Asian women in his basement that are going to be sold into the sex trade.

In whose basement?  The guy she's supposed to marry?  Why "I am going to make her" and not "she finds?"   

She will then be tied up and need to use her power to escape and free the women. The man will also be a boss fight as he attempts to sacrifice the character to the devil.

Oh good, I was wondering when the obligatory bondage scene would appear. 

A boss fight?  Do you mean that literally?  Because up till now, the story has seemed like a novel, not an RPG.

 

 

XD

The character you start out with is Raven Nevermore. She comes from a strong bloodline and realizes it in the beginning when she is attacked. THey need to have ties in politics so that they can influence world events.

A girl is sent to a coven and her grandmother, her last living relative disappears without a trace after giving her directions to a coven where she will be safe.

Uh, the way you wrote that, she's sent to the coven, and then her grandma disappears after giving her directions to . . . is it the coven she's already at, or a different, safer coven?

LOL shes not at a coven at the beginning i confused myself. I hope that when i publish the game there arent any scenes like that where i was dyslexic for a few seconds. I will make corrections to the story (And this thread)

I'd like to emphasize what Seth said about this not really sounding like an RPG.

Your idea strikes me as one major pathway of a CYOA. I don't really see a lot of branching potential that could lead to particularly different story arches in what you have planned here.

there will be branching, but it will all lead back to the same place Short Term. Over time the choices made in different by different characters affect what they do when you are not making their choices. There may be a part where one character is seperated from the others and has to survive on their own which will create a part of the story where they will need to survive homeless AND with witch hunters after them. This will make the game feel like more of a CYS and less like reading a script to a show.

I'm not certain how much of this you have planned out, but I think this could be an interesting story. Though a few things stick out at me, which you may want to consider.

I'm intrigued, but I'm not certain I would like a permanent point of view switch in the middle of the story. In a CYOA, I typically like to play through the eyes of one character throughout the story. I think most people would agree with that.

"In the beginning not much happens."

Something important should be happening constantly. Every page, every paragraph, every sentence, every word should be either establishing characterization or advancing the plot. Tension and suspense are essential to a story. In the beginning, the writer needs to give the reader a reason to want to keep reading.

What are the driving forces behind why the girl is sent to the coven? Is witchcraft frowned upon? Is it openly used or believed in? Are there ramifications for being associated with a coven? What can they do? What are their limits? These are all important questions that should be considered.

"...find dead bodies and Asian women in his basement that are going to be sold into the sex trade."

Uhm... why Asian women? What exactly are you picturing as the setting for this story? Is this an urban fantasy or more of a traditional fantasy setting? Is your coven of witches based off a particular culture or common trope of witchcraft? When I think of a coven of witches, I think of pagans and Germanic peoples and cultures. With your arranged marriage idea, this strikes me as more of a traditional fantasy setting. Unless the story is taking place in an Asian based culture, I don't think it makes much sense for there to be Asian women sex slaves.

LOL having people read my stuff makes me see how funny it is.

THe dude is supposed to be a really bad guy so he has connections in the criminal world. I would think the kidnapped victims would be people who did not speak english so they cannot escape. The setting is a Modern small town setting.

I'm not tracking your logic. Why would not being able to speak English hinder their ability to escape? I feel like someone, or a group of someones, screaming generic-Asian-language in a mostly English speaking area would draw quite a large amount of attention. Even if we assume they are already captured and in the basement - and only have their own guile to escape - their language speaking abilities are irrelevant. And this still doesn't explain how they got in the basement without being noticed in the first place.

Now sections of Eastern Europe are known for sex-trafficking and basically grooming girls from a young age to become legal prostitutes, but still no real reason for Asians...

The entire Asian thing just strikes me as Fetish Fuel.

I see some interesting story elements (if a tad cliche) with the coven of witches based in an urban fantasy setting, but after that - to this observer - your story idea just seems to devolve into random dungeon bondage with Asians for no particularly compelling reason. Even if they weren't Asian, it still doesn't make a whole bunch of sense from where the story started.

XD this is going to be a very fun story to play. Maybe this should be a comedy mixed with gruesome violence and supernatural horror.

(The girl gets killed shortly after meeting the POV character, There is no sex)

 

WHICH pov character?  What girl gets killed?

In the middle of the story, you make us play a section as a girl who gets killed in a sex dungeon?

The reader character at the time will meet the asian woman in the basement. There is a power to tell what she is saying. then the guy will enter and kill both of the girls unless a power is used to stop him.
 

@Bucky The whole asian sex slaves thing is why I said it was like Bates Motel. XD  (It made just as little sense on the show, too.)

 

Now that i think about it it is more of a joking kind of reference to that episode of Bates Motel. I wil show you the scene where the woman dies, THe character escapes and kills the witches who arranged her to be married.

The man burns to death. Elvira puts out the fire that killed him. She then takes the saw he used to murder the Asian woman and cuts the chain.

She goes back to the coven enraged.

"I saw a kidnapped Asian woman in his basement! He knocked me out with a shovel!"

Marbella and Chandra look at each other and then Chandra replies.

"We all know from American Horror Story that Witches are damn near invincible."

Elvira finds this comment completely inappropriate to respond to her traumatic experience. She lights Chandra and Marbella on fire.

"Evil Bitches" she says to herself.

Then the POV character will change and someone else will take ownership of the coven, But they will have a secret evil plan.

I guess I have a lot of the same questions Bucky does, about the reasoning for the mid-story POV change and such. Though I wonder as well why these witches who are apparently supposed to be the good guys are forcing arranged marriages in a modern setting. Which of course raises further questions as to why the man is willing to go along with it in the first place. He's a politician apparently with ties to human traffickers on the side (and he also worships the Devil?) I imagine it's pretty important to him that the police/potential voters never find out about any of this, so what does he get out of bringing a witch or even just a regular woman he barely knows, who will be in a position to expose his secrets into the mix?  

I have a feeling the abrupt tonal shift from learning magic to the whole Asian bondage sex slave thing combined with the POV switch is going to make it feel like an entirely different story. You've mentioned an attack by 'religious fanatics' too, which may be one of those things that could become cringe-worthy very easily. How about people with legitimate concerns about this far-reaching, cabalistic organization of women with superpowers in the midst of a long con to infiltrate the government through sex? Might be a way to add some realism and avoid some cliches. 

Still, it's an interesting concept, or I wouldn't have bothered to write this much about it. I'd just suggest sitting down and taking some time to more tightly plot it all out. If just the summary raised some questions and was unclear in places, it's going to get even more complicated as you go on and it all starts to branch. I'm not sure at this point either where the CYOA elements come in, as this sounds like a mostly linear story. 'Do this or die' options like the one you mentioned during the 'boss fight' don't really count, IMHO.

 

I am sure you have this planned better out then it sounds (look at: Others feedback/questions).

SO all I will say is two things.

1. Not much happens in the beginning = not good.
If you can start with some sort of action, mystery or spectacle you will be better off as opposed to HEAPS of world building at the start. Since this is more of an info dump.
Don't get me wrong, World Building IS important, your world confuses the reader and events are hard to follow without it. BUT starting with lots of world building can make readers get bored, since they don't really need to know EVERYTHING before ANYTHING happens.

2. Showing us the first page will help us give advice on writing.
Since right now all we can do is question you about what you plan on writing, and give advice in regards to story progression, choices and the like.
Which, again, is important since if you write heaps about something no one wants to read... well, its not something you, or anyone, would want. xD

Just some things to keep in mind as you write :D

So good luck!

“a cross between AHS Coven and Bates Motel”

Wow, that’s a really horrible combination, I hope that really isn't the case.

One of the worst shows on television meets the show that ruined one of the best horror characters of all time. 

Hey, I liked AHS. I'll admit, Coven was the equivalent of taking an interesting idea and shitting on it, but come on, Evan Peters, Tristan Duffy, Jessica Lange? All great.