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Hey,my name is newgoblin42 can anyone proof-read my storygame?

@Kiel_Farren

Bevan, you lazy kid. You can't just asking people to check your damn work for every minute. Duh...

Actually, the spelling and grammar is fairly solid, and quite reasonable. The sentences are of a decent length, as are paragraphs. In short, techincally, it's written to an acceptable standard. If by hand, respectable. If things were written and checked in a spellchecker, also acceptable.

The flaws, and rough patches, well. They take a little bit of the shine out of it. And it has an idea there, and it's something, which is not nothing.

Other then that, there's not much to say about it - there's simply not enough there, to say much about it at all. Can't describe something that isn't there, after all.

That's a mighty generous response. You've been being awfully nice about these lately, have you considered getting checked out by a doctor?

First page alone, the tense switching gave me whiplash, and the dialogue, uh, it needs a lot of work to flow in a natural, believable way.

"I want everything from your house!" The first man yelled.

"No! We will not give you anything!" Your mother replied.

"If you're not willing to give anything including your son, money, and gold, then you'll need to suffer death!" The second man yelled mercilessly.

"We won't die, we'll protect everything that we have!" Your father yelled.

 

I haven't been able to venture on into the rest of it yet. Still digesting the banquet of the description and first page.

You're Wade Heston: a guy who works as a police detective.  You meet a boy who wants to destroy a gang.  Will you be successful in this mission?

Edit:  Okay...so either this is a different story than the only one you had on your profile at the time of posting, or you've completely rewritten the description...

"You play as Raven"

Not sure if it's a coincidence or not...