This mental image of End as Landa was too good not to run with, even if Berka was the one doing this rather than End...
"Cat-chief Wolfsplash, wat we r aboat 2 diskus wood bett3r b diskussed in priv8. U'll notice, I hav left my men outdoors. If it would not offind you, perhaps it wood be best that you encurridged ur 'School Friends' outside..."
"You r rite. Charfur, wood you taek teh girls outside? Endstar and I need to have a few wurds."
"Cat-Chief Wolfsplash, I regret to infurm u that I hav egzaustid teh extent of my faggit-speak. To cuntinyew 2 tawk lik a Warrir Cat wood only serv 2 embeariss me. However, I'v ben led 2 beleeve that u speek a proper, non-bastardizd form of langwaj?"
"Oh, yeh, Inglish."
"Well, it just so happens, I do 2. I ask ur permission 2 switch 2 Inglish fur teh rest uf de confursashin?"
"Sure."
"Cat-Chief Wolfsplash, while I am very aware of your ilk, I have no way of knowing if you are familiar with who I am. Are you aware of my existence?"
"...No, but I'm reading the thread now..."
"This is good. So you're aware of the job I've been ordered to carry out in Cystia?"
"Yes."
"Can you please tell me what you've read?"
"I've been told that 3J put you in charge of rounding up the remaining Warrior Cats stories left in Cystia who are either hiding in sneak-peek, or passing them off as talking wolves."
"The Fuhrer couldn't have said it better himself!"
"But the meaning of your visit, though pleasant, is mysterious to me... The Admins searched my page 9 months ago for hiding Warriors, and found nothing."
"I'm aware of that, I read the report on this area, but like any enterprise when under new management, there's a slight duplication of efforts. Most of it ends up being a complete waste of time, but needs to be done nevertheless. I just have a few questions, Cat-Chief Wolfsplash, if you can assist me with answers, my department can close the file on your family."
*This is the part where he pulls out the suitcase and the fountain pen.*
"Now, before the inspection of this area, there were four warrior cat stories, all written by retards like yourself. Is this correct?"
"To my knowledge, yes, some of the fans were retards... End, would you mind if I smoked my pipe?"
"Please, Cat-Chief Wolfsplash. It is your disgusting feline hovel, make yourself comfortable!"
"Now, according to these papers, all of the story-writing retards in this area have been accounted for... Except, it seems, for Shelleyes, who seemed to be an alt. What have you heard of Shelleyes, Cat-Chief Wolfsplash?"
"Only rumours..."
"Oh, I love rumors! Facts can be so boring, while rumors, true or false, always provide me with luls! So tell me, Cat-Chief Wolfsplash, what have you heard about Shelleyes? Speak freely! I want to hear what the rumors are, not who told them to you."
"Again, this is just a rumor, but we heard that Shelleyes was an alt of T-Count..."
"So the rumors you heard have been of trolling?"
"Yes."
"Were you two... Friendly?"
*This is the part where the camera goes under the floorboards to reveal a dead alt and a pile of shitty Warrior Cat drawings.*
"Well, I guess that should do it. However, before I go, do you have another glass of T-Count's delicious salt?"
"But of course."
"Cat-Chief Wolfsplash, are you aware of what they call me?"
"I have no interest in such things..."
"But you are aware of what they call me?"
"I'm aware..."
"What are you aware of?"
"That they call you 'The All-Banner'."
"Precisely! Now I understand your trepidation in repeating it. Before he was assassinated, Bad Mod Kiel hated the moniker that the good people of BHBosa bestowed upon him. Actually, why he would hate the name 'The Pussy' is baffling to me. It seems like he did everything in his power to earn it. I, however, love my unofficial title precisely because I've earned it.
The feature that makes me so effective at hunting retards, as opposed to the other Mods, is because I can't really empathise with a retard, whereas they can only think like a Mod, and are encouraged to regard everyone as equally cognitive citizens. If I were to determine what features we Mods share with other internet denizens, it would be the animosity and dedication of the 4channer.
The Trolls, given their facial features, penis size and ability to fight with higher beings alone, would be most like the CoGites. The WC fans, however, are the most like Wattpadder. 3J and Beta's Propaganda have said much the same thing, but unlike them, I don't consider the comparison an insult. Consider, for a moment, the world that a Wattpad lives in. If a Wattpad 'Writer' arrived on your doorstep, would you greet it with hostility?"
"I suppose I would..."
"Has a Wattpadder ever actually done something that you feel would have it deserve such animosity?"
"They spread cancer. They write cringy shit..."
"Unless some fool is stupid enough to venture into stories not publically reccommended, the cancer stays well-contained on their dark corner of the internet, and they generally don't bother us here. Of course, there was the terrible fact that there is so much cancer, but there's just about as much on Fanfiction.net, and you don't share the same animosity with them, do you?"
"I guess not. I mean, that's where I came from..."
"Explains a lot. Anyhow, they're rather alike still, aren't they? What is the real difference?"
"It's an interesting thought, Mod End..."
"However, interesting as the thought may be, if a Wattpadder were to scamper through your door right now, would you offer it a saucer of your delicious salt?"
"I guess not."
"Precisely. You don't like them. It's clearly established why you don't like them, and you find them repulsive.
What a tremendously hostile world the Warrior Cat must live in, yet, not only do they endure, they continue to subsist and be killed! And the reason they do this, is because they have a lack of self preservation instincts, and an oppression complex that is second to none. And that, Cat-Chief, is what a WC story shares with a Wattpadder... It'd be better if they all just went there anyhow.
Consequently, a Mod conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding WC stories... Where does the Mod look? In the barns, in the cellar, in the attic. He looks everywhere he would hide. But there are many places it would never occur to him to hide. However, the reason 3J brought me off my throne in the forums to random, obscure profiles of random lurkers, is because it does occur to me. Because I'm aware of what tremendous feats inhuman beings can accomplish when they realise that they never had any dignity in the first place.
May I smoke my pipe as well?"
"Please, Endmaster, make yourself at home."
"Fuck it, this joke is way past its prime by now. Berka, get in here and shoot this dumbass, we already know he's writing WC stories!"
