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Any thoughts so far?:

Benjamin woke up as the van turned into a gas station, and as Johnny B. Goode started blaring on the radio. Startled, he realized that he had fallen asleep on Theresa’s shoulder. As he sat up, he looked over and blushed as she smiled at him. He looked away just as his sister opened her door. 

 

“Alright people, get what you need,” Erin shouted. She turned towards Benjamin, “Benji, you might want to get out and stretch your legs. What do you want to drink?” Benjamin thought for a moment, “Could you see if they have any Vanilla Coke?” Erin nodded and bounded off towards the building. 

 

Theresa tapped Benjamin’s shoulder, “Hey, take your sister’s advice. We’ve got a few more hours before we reach the campsite.” Benjamin shrugged and stepped out of the van. He ran to an area of grass a few feet away from where they had parked. Theresa followed him laughing. 

 

They sat down, “You sure like to run, don’t you,” Theresa said in between breaths.

 

Benjamin just smiled. 

 

"Hey, uh Theresa," Benjamin asked 

 

"What's up?"

 

Benjamin stutters, "Do-do you think it'd be okay with your mother, if I take Helena out for her birthday?"

 

Helena crosses her arms and looks at Benjamin thoughtfully, "That'd be a question for our mother, now wouldn't it Benjamin?"

 

Benjamin blushes and looks away. "It is isn't it?"

 

Erin walks up and hands Benjamin the Vanilla Coke. 

 

"Thank you, Erin!" Benjamin nods his head towards her.

 

Helena's quickly turns her head, looking at you. "Speaking of Birthdays, Mom got you something that We thought you might like!" She runs to the van.

 

Benjamin looks at Erin inquisitively, and Erin shrugs. Eventually, Theresa runs back with a transparent package in her hand.

 

"Helena tells us you're an Enterprise fan." In her hand, is a dark blue star trek uniform with a yellow stripe around the shoulder area.

 

Benjamin laughs and takes the package. "Thanks!"

 

After a few minutes of chatting they go back to the van.

 

Theresa is the girl he seems to like, Erin is his sister, who the heck is Helena? She just appears out of nowhere and he asks about taking her out. I assume she's Theresa's sister but it took some time to straighten all that out.

For being from Benjamin's point of view, we don't ever seem to get any kind of look inside his head. It's all very sparse and colorless 'this happened' 'then that happened' and we don't get any glimpses of what any of it means to him. He laughs and takes the package and says thanks. Is this as cringy a gift to receive as it would be for a normal person or is he ecstatic and fantasizing about wearing it on the bridge of the Enterprise already?

Also, there's a random switch to a second person POV there right before he gets the uniform, and halfway through this it changes from past tense to present.

It does go buy a bit fast and unclarified, As to the tense switch, I can't seem to spot that.

Really? You do understand what tenses are, right? Because it's not one typo you have to hunt down, it's a clear shift right in the middle of the story.

"Hey, uh Theresa," Benjamin asked

"What's up?"

Benjamin stutters, "Do-do you think it'd be okay with your mother

Otherwise the writing isn't bad for a first draft, it just doesn't go anywhere or give much idea of any plot or characterization so it's hard to give more feedback on.

IIRC this was a problem with the last thing you posted too. You really ought to try to go somewhere with these before posting them.

Ah, yeah I understand, I'm just a bit too tired to be focused on the story atm.

What I could gleam from reading this was:

A. This was made to give substance and develop these characters, thus investing the reader into the story by 'making a connection'.

B. This segment of the story is:

a. an essential/major part of the story (by progressing the plot). This is shown by the MC asking Helena out.

b. providing foreshadowing for future events. This was indicated by the particularly deliberate allusion to the Enterprise.

 

I could give feedback on this extract based on my current understanding, but I think it's more helpful for you if I knew what purpose it serves for the story. You likely don't want to write something and then realise that it does little to engage the reader or progress the plot. The worst thing you could do is shove it in anyway and risk losing the reader's interest.