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Work In Progress.

6 years ago

*The book is flipped open, revealing the Narrator. He sits on a chair near a wall, drawing tally marks* "Oh, oh finally!" I run up to the page, placing my open palms against it. "Sir... or, is it madam?" I ask, squinting up at the reader. "I'm afraid my vision has gotten rather bad... please, you have to help me. I've been trapped in this cursed book for centuries. I can't stay another day, oh please, I can't watch this unfold again!" I shout, slamming my hands against the page. *The book flips to page two* "I know you can hear me, o reader!" *The Narrator falls to the floor, beginning to weep. The page is flipped again, revealing a much cleaner-looking Narrator. Where he once had a messy, tangled looking gray beard is now just stubble. His shoulder-length hair is trimmed up nice and neat, and he stands in the middle of a busy town, wearing a suit* "Fine. I understand now that you will not help me. But hopefully as you learn my tale, you will come to my aid." *The Narrator clears his throat and begins to walk down the sidewalk, following quietly behind another man, named Joshua. A look of fear crosses the Narrator's face* "This is a story of a man named Joshua Gray. He's your typical American. He has a beautiful wife and son, named Lacy and Marcus Gray, respectfully."

Work In Progress.

6 years ago

It would be easier to understand if it was spread into smaller chunks of text.

Work In Progress.

6 years ago

Yeah, paragraph breaks are customary for dialogue. You also seem to be mixing first and third person for the Narrator. I'd recommend third ('he/him', not 'I'). Also, I think you meant 'respectively,' not 'respectfully.'

That said... I'd keep reading. Hope you keep writing!

Work In Progress.

6 years ago

The switch ups of I's/he's were intentional. The * moments are for when I, the author, am writing, and the other parts are when TN thinks he's in control, so he's telling it.

Work In Progress.

6 years ago

...since I'm too tired to be diplomatic:

Don't do that.

Oh wait, I've got it: please don't do that. >_<

Work In Progress.

6 years ago

The fact that it's one large paragraph and you're doing something weird and I can't tell what's being said makes it painful to read.

Work In Progress.

6 years ago

*The book is flipped open, revealing the Narrator. He sits on a chair near a wall, drawing tally marks* "Oh, oh finally!" He runs up to the page, placing my open palms against it. "Sir... or, is it madam?" He asks, squinting up at the reader. "I'm afraid my vision has gotten rather bad... please, you have to help me. I've been trapped in this cursed book for centuries. I can't stay another day, oh please, I can't watch this unfold again!" He shouts, slamming his hands against the page.

 

*The book flips to page two* "I know you can hear me, o reader!" *The Narrator falls to the floor, beginning to weep. The page is flipped again, revealing a much cleaner-looking Narrator. Where he once had a messy, tangled looking gray beard is now just stubble. His shoulder-length hair is trimmed up nice and neat, and he stands in the middle of a busy town, wearing a suit* "Fine. I understand now that you will not help me. But hopefully as you learn my tale, you will come to my aid."

 

*The Narrator clears his throat and begins to walk down the sidewalk, following quietly behind another man, named Joshua. A look of fear crosses the Narrator's face* "This is a story of a man named Joshua Gray. He's your typical American. He has a beautiful wife and son, named Lacy and Marcus Gray, respectively."

Work In Progress.

6 years ago
Well now it's painful to read for being obnoxiously huge, and the paragraph breaks are still in weird places. Also, I'm not sure why you're using roleplaying *emotes* for narration. Is the descriptive stuff all just placeholders for now or what?

Not sure where the story's going at this point but I guess there's only so much you can do in 200 words. I'd still read on for a couple of pages to see where it's going, but, what stands out the most with this sampling (and with text block in the OP) is that you're going to want to polish up on formatting, punctuation, etc for dialogue before you get too far along in this to save yourself a lot of editing time.

Work In Progress.

6 years ago

Huh, I don't know why it did that. The emotes are supposed to show what's happening (think of it as a physical reader with physical book, kind of written how a play in some books are).

Allow me to give you some idea of where this is going. Basically a lot of bad shit happens to the protagonist, Joshua, and he eventually breaks down and kills The Narrator. However, he is unable to understand that he is a book, while The Narrator understands this. Each time the book is opened, he has to live through his death again.