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So here's yet another one of romantic wip as I try to get something new published.

Please give feedback if the dialogue is trying to hard or something along the nature.A rough draft.

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To say that Hugh got pussy would be a understatement.

The man has been getting laid since 6th grade. There would be times when he would show you pictures of girls from your school on instagram.

"She hot huh?"

"I guess."

"Guess what?"

"You fucked her?"

"Ate her ass too."

Never really took him for a ass eater.

Throwing aside his constant bragging of his pussy soaked dick, Hugh was a great friend to you. He was always there and cared even in a fucked up joking sort of a way. The best comparison that you could think would be Eddy from Ed,Edd and Eddy.

The reason he was so interested in you finding a girl was that he himself had recently gotten together with a freshman, one that brought his bragging up to extremes.

"I know she got really fat titties but if I catch you staring Ima have to kick your ass."

"I know her ass is like Niki Ninjas but if I catch you staring Ima have to bust your balls."

Back on point, his girlfriend Sammy had a few close friends, who Hugh had been checking out before he started dating.

"Look man I've hung out with them while with Sammy and they're actually really cool. You gotta ask one of them out bro."

He tells you during lunch. You take a bite out of your apple and shake your head.

"I'd rather not."

"Pusssyyyyyyy." Hugh then points to someone behind him at the table behind yours.

"You see that dude?"

"Web?"

"Yeah, rumor was that he was a full blown loner back in middle school, sat in the bathrooms alone and cut himself, sad shit. Now look at him though, the man is fucking Amber. Amber!"

"You're point?"

"My point being that if a dude can come from that low and date someone like her then you have no excuses."

"Hugh you're talking about trying to flirt with the hottest girls at school, I'm not like you in where I can do that casually."

His hands slam on the table. "Bitch I'll make you like me, I swear on my life man you're getting fucked this year, and possibly a date to prom."

You shake your head. "I don't see that happening."

I don't get it, if you're worried about copyright enough to change Nikki Minaj, why keep Ed Edd and Eddy?

Seriously though, I get that there's a value to brevity, but if there's any time to take the reader aside to share more anecdotes or thoughts on what kind of a friend Hugh is, (you already kinda have) it's in the beginning when there's not a pre-established, ongoing narrative to keep up with. That's why there's internal monologues at the beginning of the good detective stories and they start to taper off after the introduction. There's much better ways to describe a person than making a comparison to a show that hasn't been a thing for a long time, especially one that's gone on long enough that there's plenty of people who can see a few episodes and come away with different, unintended interpretations of what kind of friend Eddy is. 

It would be good to note that this is a page that three pages in. Yeah I need to add a bit more layer to Hugh instead of relying on outside refrences, which honestly only made it easier for myself for reference. I'm leaning a lot on dialogue, so I'll have to add little monologue snippets to better shape the actual MC character and give a better backstory then dialogue can.

Handy-dandy review, worth no more than twice what you paid:

First line: Huh? I’m confused. Since I have no frame of reference before this line, I don’t know what slang is being used. I don’t know if this means he got “pissy” or actually had sexual intercourse. I get it in the next sentence, but I stumbled over the first sentence and had to read it a couple times to understand the context.

Sixth grade? Really? I’m feeling like someone is really stretching the truth quite a bit here. That’s twelve years old. I’m not buying it unless this is some seriously alternate reality.

The next sequence of conversation lines: well, the first one gives me the impression that the people engaged in the conversation are morons, or at least very poorly educated. It makes me think back to the start and wonder if any of the people talking actually made it past sixth grade. I do hope that was the intent. I don’t know Ed, Edd and Eddy, so that next comparison does nothing for me.

The next couple of sentences lose me. In the first section, there’s two people apparently talking to one another. Then there’s some commentary, also apparently about the same two people. But now suddenly the tone shifts and this is about ME and this guy finding a girl for me. I’m not really impressed with this fellow who claims to be having sex with twelve-year-olds, so I really don’t think I want him finding a girl for me. But then he apparently just had sex with a freshman (all the way up to 15-year olds now), and he’s proud of that? Wait, I thought he was getting so much sex that he didn’t need to brag about freshmen. And now I’m really wondering if this guy is a seventh grader or a twenty-year-old.

The sentence structure with “Back on point…” is confusing. We start out with “him,” which I assume is this beefcake of a catch, Hugh. Then it switches over to “Hugh,” which I guess makes sense, but seems extraneous. But when it switches back to “he,” I don’t know who he is at this point – especially since it says “since he had started dating.” This king of sex Hugh has been getting laid and dating, apparently for some time, so I wouldn’t guess that was him. I guess it could be if Hugh is actually still IN the sixth grade and just bagged a freshman. But if it were him, it would be clearer if the sentence said that – maybe just by adding “Sammy” at the end of the sentence.

The next two sentences really lost me. Again, I’m still thinking I’m an observer to this story. Hugh (I think) makes a statement. I assume he’s talking to whoever it was he was talking to at the start of this passage. But then in the next sentence I find out he told me something. And the next thing, someone says, “I’d rather not.” I’m not sure if that’s me or not. It could be Hugh. Or heck, it might be that mystery person from the first exchange (wait, was that me, too?). To make the conversation clear, I’d format it so you see something like:

During lunch, Hugh tells you, “Look man…”
You take a bite out your apple and reply, “I’d rather not.”

That way it is much more clear who is speaking at each time because without reading it more than once, I just can’t tell.

“You are point?” What the? Please! Even if they are morons barely capable of speaking the English language, you’ve got to be able to write it correctly for it to make sense to any reader.

It does seem you’re trying very hard to be edgy. While conversation and things said directly with quotes can really be some strange words and break all kinds of language rules, when that sloppiness slides into the written text and descriptions, the entire story sort of falls apart. Be sure that you closely follow grammatical rules for ANY text that’s not in quotes.

I do hope this helps.