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Looking for feedback

6 years ago
So here's a bit I wrote as the start to a story. I welcome thoughts, comments, reviews, suggestions, corrections, or anything else you'd like to provide as feedback. If you read this first page, would you want to read more? Did this bit raise any questions that you want to read more to answer? Is this wall of text too much for you and you'd just scroll to the bottom and click an option? Thanks in advance!

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Yvonne stared at the screen. The little blinking cursor ignored her and kept blinking. She knew that she should be writing, but her mind was just empty. She kept trying to think of what she could write about the Anansi, but what could she say that hadn’t already been said?

She shook her head and tried to concentrate. She was a graduate student. She had been researching the Anansi for years now, and she probably knew more than anyone else about that folklore figure: all but the oldest elders in the tribes in West Africa, of course. She knew all the origin stories, and she even knew all the dark stories about the Anansi turning into a spider spirit to trick people into giving up their own wisdom and knowledge to the Anansi. And she knew they were all just tales, usually told to scare the little kids into obeying their parents. She had interviewed hundreds of people across the lands of Ghana, Togo, Angola, and even here in South Africa at the University of Cape Town where she sat, still staring at her computer screen.

She thought about some of those interviews and how so many people in those tiny towns really acted like it was all true. They all seemed to believe that the Anansi was real and living, but heck, there were plenty of people who believed in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, too. She was interested in reporting and researching the Anansi so she could finish her degree and be done with school. But at the same time, she really did want to learn as much as she could. There was little written about the legends of the Anansi, since the traditions in those areas of the world were really all oral. So her research was likely to really be ground-breaking if she could get it all organized and written down, but it had to be accurate.

Her mind wandered again, this time to Hamsa Shah. She shivered involuntarily and then smiled. She liked to think about Hamsa. In fact, she liked to do a lot more things with Hamsa, too. She glanced down at the corner of her computer screen and noticed the time: 14:15. It would still be hours before Hamsa ended his shift at work. He worked as a bike messenger in Cape Town and Yvonne had met him when he was making a delivery of some materials to the university. His open shirt had attracted her attention first and when he spoke, that smooth voice stopped her in her tracks. She just started talking to him, completely not like her, and somehow ended up setting up a time to meet after work. She had met with him four times now after work and had enjoyed their time together so far. She wondered how much longer it would be before they did more than just meet for dinner…

“Yvonne!”

The yell startled her, almost making her fall out of her chair. She looked back and saw Professor Connor standing in the doorway. He was not nearly as much to look at when compared to Hamsa. Professor Connor was a bit older, but not really “too” old. He was tall and thin, but he was a full professor and obviously very intelligent. He tended to wear jeans and old tee shirts to work which apparently annoyed the administration, but he produced, and he had tenure, so no one really tried to stop him. Yvonne knew him well because he was her dissertation advisor: she basically reported to him and worked for him until he approved her dissertation.

“Yvonne, have you gotten anything written up on that last interview you had?”

Yvonne stuttered and answered, “I’m trying to work on it now, and I’m hoping to complete it today.”

Professor Connor nodded and replied, “Good, good, I’m looking forward to reading what you learned most recently about the legendary Anansi. Carry on.”

With that he quickly turned and left. Yvonne wondered about Professor Connor and his interest in the Anansi. From what she had heard, not that many professors took that much of an interest in student dissertations. Most seemed to just put up with them as interruptions in their own work. Some just used the students as workers to get more publications in their own name. But Professor Connor seemed genuinely interested in everything Yvonne learned about the Anansi, even very small details that Yvonne didn’t think mattered.

Oh well, back to work on the writing, because Yvonne really needed to get this done and get on with her life!

Looking for feedback

6 years ago

Well, I'd like to know if the girl was raised in an extremely intolerant and racist community, since she spent so much time and effort researching a nazi... Also, I'd like to know more about these "oral traditions". They sound like fun. cheeky

Terrible jokes aside though, I think it was really good. I'd say there's just the right amount of text. It's enough to get across the basic gist of the story, but not so much that it leaves you thinking. "Oh God, there's more? When the hell will it end?" All in all, a great start. ^_^

Looking for feedback

6 years ago
Thanks, Briar!

Looking for feedback

6 years ago
All the things we're told she did before she started writing the paper sound way more interesting than having her sitting there at a computer thinking about them honestly.

I guess there's nothing actually wrong with the story but as Briar said there's nothing that really jumped out and grabbed me. Both the opening and the character would probably more immediately get my attention if the focus hadn't mostly been on backstory. One of the actual interviews talked about might have been a good place to start, for instance. It would show that people really believed in the Anansi rather than telling about it, and immediately place the character somewhere more interesting than sitting in front of a computer.

And it can probably be gotten across to the reader that the story will be about these Anansi things without mentioning them by name literally ten times on the first page.

Looking for feedback

6 years ago
Thanks for the feedback. Going forward, the story is going to be set in the university where she is, primarily, so that's why there is just the backstory. The story isn't going to be about the interviews and the research very much, that's really just background noise, sort of. I appreciate the comments about showing vs. telling, I often have an issue there. Thanks again for the input!

Looking for feedback

6 years ago
Ok, how about a different starting place (all comments welcome). As a note, this would be the start of the story, and I'm especially interested in whether this would draw you into the story at all. It's too short to be the whole first page, but still...



Yvonne strained her ears, struggling to hear the whispering voice.

“Oh yessss. I know the Anansssssi.”

She turned her head and looked in the dim light at the wrinkles around the lips of the matriarch of the tribe. Bits of light filtered in through the sticks that made up the walls of the sturdy hut. It smelled smoky inside the hut, despite the lack of any fire. She gently prodded the woman, “Yes, please, go on.”

The raspy, quiet voice continued, “The Ananssssi are real, no matter what you have heard. They are living among people, hiding, but they are spiders as well.”

Yvonne shook her head and glanced towards the tattered cloth that covered the entrance to the hut. She thought back to the many times she had heard this story before. It was always the same: “The Anansi are real…” but no one had any proof. She sighed and replied, “Have you ever seen one?”

The woman’s breath sounded like sandpaper, dry and crackly. That was the only sound in the hut as Yvonne waited patiently, her hand guiding her pencil in circles on the paper, idly doodling. She waited for the expected “no,” and then she would leave and find another interviewee. She stopped suddenly when she heard, “Yessss….”

Yvonne looked up and into the dark, deep-set eyes of the old woman. She stuttered as she said, “You have seen one?”

The joints of the woman’s chair creaked as she nodded her head and her entire body shook with the effort. She replied, “It was a long time ago, but I can tell you what I saw that night…”

Looking for feedback

6 years ago
100% improvement.

Looking for feedback

6 years ago
Thank you!

Looking for feedback

6 years ago
I'd cut the repeated references to "the hut" after the first one. I think it reads more smoothly without them. The reader knows she's in the hut.

It's a strong enough start to get this reader to keep reading.

Looking for feedback

6 years ago
Good tip, thanks!

(Oh man, I did type "the hut" an awful lot. I guess that's what I do when I don't write it all at one time...)

Looking for feedback

5 years ago

:) Ah, I finally found the forum you spoke of. (: Thank you for your help earlier. (: Wow, you are a really good writer; both of your versions are excellent and they are two different styles. The second is definitely more actioney and will draw more readers. (:

:) I did read the entirety of the two versions. And it seemed to me that it was thought that the first was too long and the second too short, but in my opinion, a story is never too long or too short as long as it holds the attention of the reader or makes a good point concisely stated. (: But if you are required to have it a certain size, you can always take some nice chunks from the first and incorporate it into the second. (: Perhaps some of the 2nd & 3rd paragraphs of the first could be added to the second version. (:

:) Good beginnings are always good; and good endings I would argue are even more important, especially if the story is long. I can imagine someone being piqued reading through a long story and coming to an unsatisfactory ending. I remember Alfred Hitchcock saying something to the effect of “the audience will never forgive you” (though he may have been talking about something else— I blame my lack of knowledge on my lack of sleep). (:

Looking for feedback

5 years ago
Thank you for your thoughts. Indeed, I am working on trying to decide whether to take some from the first and add to the second, or perhaps just add to the second to make it longer as a bridge towards where the first one was. It's hard to add sections that don't really matter to the story to me, but that's the way I think and not how people want to read!

Looking for feedback

5 years ago

:) would not abandon the way you would actually prefer the story to read. If you have the time you could write two versions of the story (you could even have that as an option at the beginning), one the way you think people would like better (or be more likely read because they only have limited times they can read), and one that you truly would love to read. You may be surprised to find how many people actually find the way you like to read stories better than the “most likely to be popular” version. (:   [Being unaware of all the rules of this site, I hope I’m actually being helpful..] Sometimes all it takes is for the reader to realize how into the story the writer is. (Sort of like how a smile :) is contagious) Then they are pulled away into the fantasy world of the story. (: People, I think,  unconsciously enjoy stories more when the writer is enjoying themself. (:

Looking for feedback

5 years ago

Both are awesome starts (and make we want to learn more about the Anansi). :-)

I think if you put them both in the present tense (which feels more compelling to me) and combine them, it could be even more powerful:

Yvonne stares at the screen. The little blinking cursor ignores her and keeps on blinking. She knows that she should be writing, but her mind is just empty. She keeps trying to think of what she could write about the Anansi, but what could she say that hasn’t already been said? 

She shakes her head and tries to concentrate. She is a graduate student. She has been researching the Anansi for years now, and she probably knows more than anyone else about that folklore figure: all but the oldest elders in the tribes in West Africa, of course. She knows all the origin stories, and she even knows all the dark stories about the Anansi turning into a spider spirit to trick people into giving up their own wisdom and knowledge [to the Anansi – can delete]. And she knows they were all just tales, usually told to scare the little kids into obeying their parents. She has interviewed hundreds of people across the lands of Ghana, Togo, Angola, and even here in South Africa at the University of Cape Town where she saits, still staring at her computer screen.         

From the edge of her vision, she spots a spider scurry beneath her keyboard, instantly transporting to an interview two years ago, the one that has haunted her ever since:


“Oh yessss. I know the Anansssssi.” 

Yvonne turns her head and looks in the dim light at the wrinkles around the lips of the matriarch of the tribe. This memory is still fresh, despite the intervening years. Bits of light filter in through the sticks that make up the walls of the sturdy hut. It smells smoky inside the hut, despite the lack of any fire. She gently prods the woman, “Yes, please, go on.” 

[… rest of second intro…]

The joints of the woman’s chair creak as she nods her head and her entire body shakes with the effort. She replies, “It was a long time ago, but I can tell you what I saw that night…”

[then snap back to first intro]

“Yvonne!” 

The yell startles Yvonne, almost making her fall out of her chair, pulling her instantly back to Cape Town.


“Yvonne, have you gotten anything written up on that last interview you had?” 

She wipes the cobwebs from her mind. Professor Connor is a bit older, but not really “too” old. He is tall and thin…  [continue intro one with professor Connor, then introduce Hamsa a bit later?]

Looking for feedback

5 years ago
Great stuff, thank you very much for the feedback and ideas!

Looking for feedback

5 years ago

My pleasure. Great writing! :D

Looking for feedback

5 years ago

Anansi is like the first modern day of spiderman, Very interesting to learn about, Whenever the main character and Anansi come across each other paths.

I just want him to toy with her.

Just flip her world upside down, Not knowing which way is up or which way is down, Stuff like, Because one of the main treads he is known for, Is being a trickster god 

I would like to see that, and many other things like what does he thinks about today's world?
Does he like it? does he dislike how greedy humans had been?

or

Have our main character be an even better trickster than Anansi, Because there's nothing like trolling the troll

If you somehow fit all of that into that character and stay true to it, I be looking forward to reading that.

Looking for feedback

5 years ago
I'm taking the Anansi and putting a little twist on it. And since it is a CYOA, there will be a number of different ways it can end up! And yes, being a trickster is certainly going to be a big part of this. Thanks for the comments!

Looking for feedback

5 years ago

I will be looking forward of reading your work ^^