Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Thread

I still need an introduction and conclusion, any help with those would be appreciated, but I do have 3 body paragraphs and 1 counterargument paragraph that I would like reviewed. I’m in 9th grade btw if you need a reference on how to grade me. First paragraph is my thesis, which was approved by my teacher.

Although some may argue that without the Friar’s help Romeo and Juliet would have been even more lost, he is the most responsible for their deaths because he didn’t think about the consequences of his actions, and he didn’t directly oversee his own plan.

    Friar Lawrence had good intentions, to end the feud between the families, but he didn’t think and use common sense. The Friar stated “For this alliance may so happy prove to turn your households’ rancor to pure love” (2.3.91-92). Despite sounding like a good move, the Friar moved way to quickly and did not do nearly enough research of the current situation. At this point in the story, it was already known that Paris wished to marry Juliet, and if the Friar did just a little bit more digging, he would have found this out. With multiple men seeking the same woman, it is apparent that conflict will try to resolve this problem. The Friar could have publicly announced the marriage of Romeo and Juliet, which would have forced the feud to halt then and there, instead of allowing it to snowball into a larger conflict later. Friar Lawrence should have used his brain, and ask around, in order to find out that marrying them would not be the great idea he had first thought it to be.

    The Friar did not directly oversee his letter that was supposed to tell Romeo of the plan, and instead sent someone else, who turned out to be incompetent. While stating his plan to Juliet, Friar Lawrence said “In the meantime, against thou shalt awake, shall Romeo by my letters know our drift; And hither should he come; and he and I will watch thy waking, and that very night” (4.1.113). The Friar knew of the importance of the letter, but he foolishly did not directly oversee the sending of the letter. Once he figured out that Friar John did not make it to Mantua, he did very little to alter his plan, and did not think about Romeo’s quick temper and foolishness from his immaturity. Friar Lawrence knew Romeo well enough that Romeo trusted him with his secrets, and should have known that Romeo would rush to be with Juliet upon inevitably hearing of the death of the Capulet’s only daughter. However, it would seem that Friar Lawrence did not think of this, and instead of rushing over to make sure that nothing would go wrong, he took his time getting over there. The Friar should have seen his own plan through, and since he did not, Romeo and Juliet died.

    Friar Lawrence may have been too late to save Romeo, but he was still there when Juliet was alive, and he could have saved her. Before running away, the Friar briefly tried to persuade Juliet to leave by saying, “Stay not to question, for the Watch is coming; come, go, good Juliet. I dare no longer stay” (5.3.158-159). The Friar had the option to stay with Juliet, and to help her get through the death of her ‘beloved’, but he instead gave in to his own desires to leave her behind in an attempt to save himself. Juliet, just like Romeo, was clearly unstable, and without the guidance of someone else felt like her world was over. Friar Lawrence knew that Juliet was going to kill herself as an attempt to stay loyal to her deceased husband, but the Friar’s selfishness made him leave her behind. Friar Lawrence is directly responsible for the death of Juliet.

While it can be said that Friar Lawrence was only trying his best in an unlucky series of events, there is still much that he could have done that he did not, that could have saved the lives of Romeo and Juliet. After the Friar is finished telling his side of the story, Prince Escalus tells him that “We still have known thee for a holy man” (5.3.274). While this seems to insinuate that the Friar is not guilty in the eyes of the prince, and how the houses are to blame for allowing the feud to escalate to this scale of conflict, it also shows how the Friar did not serve his purpose as being a man of god. Instead of staying by Juliet’s side in her time of grief, he neglected her sorrows in order to attempt to get away before the Watch showed up. He did not follow his vows, especially the one of obedience, by abandoning Juliet when she needed him the most.

@Gower Due to you being an English prof, you’re opinion would be worth more to me than anybody else’s.

I am honored to be asked, but I just cannot evaluate Shakespeare essays during my non-work time lest I perish.

I wouldn’t want to either tbh.

This is an A level essay.... on an 8th grade level. 

8th grade level. Of course you would know that. You have quite the experience with 8th graders.

While I am not a professor, and thus my opinion is uneducated, I can at least give it to you without wanting to die.

Technicalities

I believe that in essays you want to use formal language. As such do not use contractions. i.e. instead of didn't use did not. Also consider rewording phrasing that is less formal (I'm more iffy on this so figure it out yourself,) my suggestions would be things like:

• "... should have used his brain" > should have thought it through.
• "... just a little bit more digging" > just a little more research.

(Granted, you already used the word research in the sentence prior, and pointless repetition can be bad).

Grander Examination

I feel you might want to look deeper into the work so you are not just examining what happened. Think about themes and stuff. Think about author intent. Recognizing that this was meant to be experienced as a play can also be good. Heck, thinking about the time period can help with examining author intent as well! What you have here doesn't seem to really be going beyond surface level things, but I guess your main point of the Friar being responsible isn't really looking for deeper meaning anyway.

Granted, you are writing it for 9th grade, so I definitely think you can get away with what you have here, heck it doesn't look bad to me, but trying to push yourself is probably a good idea. I believe taking some risks and being more out there won't hurt your education (as later year's exams are more important?), but you'll know better about that than I.

Can you ask your teacher for feedback? I know some teachers are happy to help their students, just ask Gower! Would probably give you feedback if you were taking one of his classes. Also see if there is a criteria.

Depth

It might just be me, but think about if you are going into enough depth with your thoughts. Leaving things unsaid can be pretty bad, but you also obviously don't want to ramble either. Just... when you are proofreading, see if your point is fully explained, by asking 'why'.

"The Friar could have publicly announced the marriage of Romeo and Juliet, which would have forced the feud to halt then and there, instead of allowing it to snowball into a larger conflict later."

Take that as an example. It is a pretty bold claim that announcing the marriage of Romeo and Juliet would halt the feud. Why exactly would announcing it stop the blood feud? Wouldn't the parents just be pissed that their children went and married their enemies behind their backs? Like, you can argue for it, sure, but I think going just a little bit further into your reasoning might be good.

But do think about this yourself, because again, you don't want to ramble, and the length does seem pretty decent already.

Conclusion

No mention of the author's potential intent, play message/meaning, themes, etc. You are just trying to claim that the Friar is responsible, so it might not be needed, but having even one paragraph on how Shakespeare is making a point about society by having the Friar be guilty might give more variety to the essay while also showing greater understanding.

Obviously tho, showing that you understand what happened in the play is important too.

I'd ask a teacher for feedback (assuming you can) and also look into the criteria sheet if there is one.

Personally, I don't think the essay is bad, but it isn't exactly anything new or highly impressive (tho I may just be too harsh). However, if you stick with this, I'd be shocked if you don't get at least a decent mark.

Yeah, I don’t think that we’re allowed/supposed to do that. Some kid asked if he could pick “William Shakespeare, becuase all of the characters are fictional, and don’t have any control over their own actions” and my teacher shot him down pretty quickly. I can prove that the marriage would end if they were publicly married earlier on, but I’m not sure if I’m allowed to have two different quotes in the same paragraph.

This is our prompt: “In a well-written essay, take a stance on who is most responsible for the death of Romeo and Juliet. Be sure to fully address your reasons why that character is to blame and how their actions contributed to the ending of the play.”

Author intent and recognising that the play is a play doesn't mean saying 'it is all fiction xd', Of course that isn't going to work as a point! Anyway, given the topic, I guess it would be trickier to try to go deeper, and potentially pointless. I am a little surprised that you are only allowed one quote per paragraph, seems weird, but eh.

Anyhow, you do seem to cover the prompt sufficiently, so I guess my only remaining point is to ask the teacher for feedback (if they are a teacher who gives feedback).

P.S. However, I'm now curious, so ask your teacher if you are allowed to talk about themes and author intent, since I don't think that the person in your example falls under that. Other than that ask if you are allowed more than one quote in your paragraphs as well. If you want to take the 'safer' approach, ask these questions AFTER marking, as a sort of after thought. This way your teacher won't be disappointed when you don't include these things in your essay, but will be impressed that you're putting thought into it even after it has been submitted.

We just watched the first half of the movie version with Leonardo DiCaprio in it, and it is probably the greatest movie of all time. Watching the story of a bunch of mentally disabled punks feud with a bunch of stereotypical Mexican mob members is just so heartwarming. The editing is absolutely perfect, and I love how they used fast forward in random spots. If you haven’t seen it, I’d defiantly go out of my way to.

My class is the only one that watched the 1968 one while we read, and at the time I thought that the acting in that was bad, but I take all of my criticism away after watching the 1996 one. Although the 1996 version is one of those movies that are so bad that they’re funny.

Update: This has been graded, and I got a 76% on it. The way each section is graded is, from best to worst, is as follows: sophisticated, proficient, developing, and emerging. These are my grades per category:

Strength of Ideas: Developing

Use of Evidence: Developing

Depth of Commentary: Proficient

Organization and Transitions: Proficient

Language and Conventions: Proficient

Professionalism: Sophisticated

Needless to say, I’m a little pissed because I spent a good 45 minutes on this instead of listening to my math teacher, just for a C. She hasn’t made any comments on it as of right now. I even added an extra body paragraph.

Probably, I guess I’ll just have to wait to compare grades with my friends to see if you’re correct or not.