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The whip of the Phoenix's sun My IS contest entry

4 years ago
Hi, like nobody wants to be my mentor in the mentor program, I will have to use the whole community as a mentor. I have several pages done and I will like to have a volunteer to read it and give me feedback. This is the first page

The entire city congregates as every harvest day next to the great tower of fire. The light of the three moons shines for the last time before dawn; the time of the weekly ritual is approaching. After that, the orchestra and the choir start to play the ancient song in a slow and monotonous tempo, again and again, in an eternal loop.

Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me I once was lost, but now am found
T'was blind but now I see

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear And Grace, my fears relieved How precious did that grace appear The hour I first believed

Through many dangers, toils and snares We have already come.

The coffin's procession commences floating with its anti-gravitational fields, while citizens watch the show bored, as every week the same spectacle has been happening since the dawn of times. most of the citizens simply navigate the holo-net checking out that their own Karma credits aren't dropping.

"You, however, are an important party in the ritual; your inert body is sleeping in one of the communal caskets. Your memory and brain begin to being expunged as your brain begin to disintegrate, soon The primordial energy of the Fire's tower will return your body two ashes, blood, dust and bones. A new you with your same DNA would respawn as it has happened to you through thousands of reincarnation circles ... Have you understood?" The weird voice sounds bored.
You confusingly think about the fact of you do not see who is talking with you. Is this a dream? "Do you talk to me? Who are you, what am I?"

"I have already explained it to you, I have another thousand to guide in my turn. Just think about who you were in your previous life and everything will be fine." The 3 choices of background are Drug dealer, Defense attorney and corrupt taxman

Any feedback will be appreciated, same if I get any volunteers

The whip of the Phoenix's sun My IS contest entry

4 years ago
Your story would have a whip.

In English we would typically say "the funeral procession" - not coffin procession. Not sure if that was intentional or a language discrepancy though.

The whip of the Phoenix's sun My IS contest entry

4 years ago
Both. I didn't want to use the funeral, because that implies death. You don't die you respawn. Your genetical material is reborn and your memory is erased. But also I didn't find a better word that coffin, I was tempted to use casket to play with the closed casket term. However, I thought that most of youngsters wouldn't understand the term.

The whip of the Phoenix's sun My IS contest entry

4 years ago

The entire city congregates as every harvest day next to the great tower of fire (this sentence reads awkwardly. I believe what you are going for is something like "The entire city congregates, as they do every harvest day, next to the great tower of fire". I would rearrange this to "The entire city congregates next to the great tower of fire, as they do every harvest day."). The light of the three moons shines for the last time before dawn; the time of the weekly ritual is approaching. After that, the orchestra and the (can delete this "the" but it is technically correct) choir start to play the ancient song in a slow and monotonous tempo, again and again, in an eternal loop ("eternal loop" isn't wrong, but "endless loop" is the more common way to say it in English). (This last sentence uses "and" a lot. Consider revising to eliminate or separate some of this into multiple sentences)

Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me I once was lost, but now am found
T'was  blind but now I see

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear And Grace, my fears relieved How precious did that grace appear The hour I first believed

Through many dangers, toils and snares We have already come.

The coffin's procession commences(comma here) floating with its anti-gravitational fields, while citizens watch the show bored, as every week the same spectacle has been happening since the dawn of times (This sentence looks like it should be broken up into two separate ones. I suggest putting a period after "bored" and deleting "as."). (capitalize at beginning of sentence) most of the citizens simply navigate the holo-net (comma) checking out that their own Karma credits aren't dropping. (I would replace "checking out" with "making sure that." This sounds more natural. Checking out might technically work, but it is not usually used in this context)

"You, however, are an important party in the ritual; your inert body is sleeping in one of the communal caskets. Your memory and brain (this is repetitive... is the brain being expunged or disintegrated? Pick one and go with it) begin to being (be) expunged as your brain begin (begins) to disintegrate, soon The primordial energy of the Fire's tower will return your body two ashes, blood, dust(comma) and bones. (this is another really long sentence. Consider replacing ", soon" with a period) A new you with your same DNA would respawn as it has happened to you through thousands of reincarnation circles (recommend "cycle" rather than "circle") ... Have you understood?" The weird voice sounds bored. (so, this dialogue seems strange. It feels like they are continuing the description of the scene from the previous paragraph, but now someone is saying it...)
You confusingly (I would delete "confusingly" because it is already confusing, so you don't have to state it.) think about the fact of ("of" should be "that") you do not see who is talking with you. Is this a dream? "Do (did, not do) you talk to me? Who are you, (semicolon not comma) what am I?"

"I have already explained it to you, (semicolon rather than a comma) I have another thousand to guide in my turn (this should maybe say "on my shift" rather than "in my turn"?). Just think about who you were in your previous life (comma) and everything will be fine."

 

Hey Mara,

Here is the feedback I promised a few days ago! I hope this helps a little!