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What are your first impressions?

4 years ago

There's a character in a storygame I'm planning to write, and we are introduced to him via soliloquy. Feel free to tell me about whatever impression you made of him. I'd give more info but that'd defeat the purpose of this exercise.

“From out Time's deep-shadowed mists arise,
A spectral figure, with hempen hair
Of grizzled grey, and deep-gouged face
Thrice rent by Time, and lined in grim despair.

Slow it moves; but that around it slower
Its groaning weight doth heave with pain;
He bends, not of age, perhaps he's immortal:
Once grasped, this shining stone he casts down again.

The black void clings malignant round,
Still eons pass: the mists remain unfurled,
Dark shadows light, and flit, and go;
Quiet rests the shining on rock where it is hurled.

Grey spectre struggles still up slopes unscaled,
Casts out a thought in space unknown,
This but returns; unanswered: attached is 'IF';
Little being, that mark is but thine own.

An edifice is raised; his world; his home,
Here nurtures he his thoughts, hopes, fears,
But little he learns and short his stay,
And monster Time maims youth, leading trampling years.

He falls, but only again to rise;
Now strength is his, and belief his crutch,
Greedily he collects, and certainties appear,
But those that helped show yet more; beyond his clutch.

Like babes, whose truths from sages stem,
Questions unanswered are hidden from his cry,
Though now grown, slow he is to question them,
And finally waxes strong the emphatic 'WHY'?

'Irreligious beast' they yet retort with ire,
'To question pretty legends of prince and myth';
And still the gauze-veil deadwood hides
From reaper, the golden crops true pith.

Heavens, stars, galaxies and worlds,
On them he looks, his air profound;
Once aloof Creation's prince bows down,
Now what is he: a note in an orchestra of sound!

Onward to calamity and fame he trudges,
Yet still he seeks to answer: When, Where, and Why?
With his knowledge limited, and view
Of one small star, he reconstructs the sky.

It is infinite, he but mortal flesh and blood;
Never did IT come, thus it stands a FACT:
He lives, to be superseded, like all he makes,
Furnishing a line in the Eternal Act.”

What are your first impressions?

4 years ago

I mean, if I'm being completely honest my first impression of the character whom you are supposedly introducing is that I don't really know anything about him. This whole thing is confusing and sounds like a bunch of fancy words without much real meaning. Granted, I don't know soliloquy but you asked for impressions and that's mine.

What are your first impressions?

4 years ago
Is this for a class?

What are your first impressions?

4 years ago

I don't quite see how that's a soliloquy.  Someone comes forth and speaks that verbatim?  So the character I am being introduced to is a person who would speak that whole thing as an introduction, including all of the internal quotation? 

What are your first impressions?

4 years ago

This is kind of a lot to take in for an introduction.  It seems like something a lot of readers might just skip over so they can get to the actual story quicker, seeing as most people don't enjoy dissecting big poems for plot information.  If you were planning on weaving it into a storygame, you might do better to just get the most important parts into a stanza or two as an epigraph at the beginning.  Kind of like the beginning of Hollow Knight, if you've ever played that.  

What are your first impressions?

4 years ago

Preamble

I support Gower's observation, but my knowledge of soliloquy comes from googling the definition a minute ago, so don't mind it too much.

Going by this definition, for those it may concern:

an act of speaking one's thoughts aloud when by oneself or regardless of any hearers, especially by a character in a play.

I imagine that if you want to introduce a character with a soliloquy, the idea is to (relatively) quickly give information about the character to have them be built up faster. They can show their goals, quirks, personality, and just general thoughts as relevant to whatever they're thinking about (which probably ties in with the story).

That is assuming the character being introduced is giving the soliloquy, which doesn't seem to be the case here. Having someone else deliver a soliloquy to introduce another character is fine, I guess, but at that stage you are having someone talk about someone else, which I don't think will be as engaging. You certainly won't get as strong a glimpse into the character being introduced when the person talking about them could just be going off reputation/stories (and thus be wrong).

Obviously, you can still do interesting things with an unreliable narrator (or I should say soliloquy speaker), but I'm just mentioning this since I'd be curious to hear what you're precisely going for with this type of introduction. After all, I'm more than amateur in these regards, and so the knowledge could help me improve.

Other than that, my question is if this is how the story starts, since if it isn't, then the additional context of everything that happens before this character introduction will undoubtedly have an affect on how good it is.

If this is the opening, I say that you'll want to set appropriate expectations with the storygame description.

Answer

As for your question, my impression of the character is still being formed, and will heavily be impacted by what comes next. Right now, there are two main thoughts:

  • They are not a character, but a plot-device. Something in the background that is hopefully relevant to the themes/story, but is probably just some mysterious character that the protagonist/s will interact with at some stage.
  • They are the protagonist/antagonist and they have some mysterious (and wide-reaching) goal.

If they are the protagonist, I think this introduction is slow and not as tight as you'd want it to be. This does depend on what comes next, as there are obviously many ways to go about writing a story, and there might be some way for this to work (but I'm not exactly expecting it). Always possible that the style just isn't for me (which is why seeing more would help me get a better feel for it).

As an antagonist the way they relate to the protagonist will matter, but can't exactly comment on that right now. Where in the story this is placed would affect my outlook on it.

Regardless, I worry that while you are going for meaningful substance, what you are writing is style masquerading as substance, which won't end up with a very compelling story. But, once again, this could change depending on what came before and what comes next.

Conclusion / TL;DR

So keep writing! Do revise as necessary (but getting a full plan / draft might be a good idea, depends on what you find works for you). Just don't get stuck rewriting the same thing over and over, as that probably won't lead to a finished storygame.

What are your first impressions?

4 years ago
I'm more interested in why characters are being introduced this way in the first place than whether it works as a soliloquoy tbh. I would not call this an ideal way to introduce anything in a story unless there's some other context for the choice.

What are your first impressions?

4 years ago
A fair point, I'm assuming they're going for some grand artistic vision, or trying to do some sort of play-like story.

A good starting point might've been for me to ask why they're introducing it like this, now that I think about.

Anyhow, extra context certainly would prove helpful with evaluating it.