I've been posting my dreams in a certain Discord server for a year or so. I decided I had enough for a pretty big compilation. Sadly the ones I talked about in an anonymous IRC weren't really saved anywhere, so I don't get to copy and paste in most of the really freaky nightmare ones. I figure, between the lengthy political arguments in the Lounge, the totally-not-forum-games in the creative corner, and the admins trolling retards by editting their posts, the only thing that could bring us closer to 2015 is one of the stupid kids making an over long posts about how edgy and weird their dreams are. So here you go!
The Doorknob Dream.
When I was little, I was traumatized because I had a dream where doorknobs screamed earsplittingly loud, grew legs, and became tarantulas when I put my hand around them, so now there's this primal association I have of not being able to put my hands on any rounded doorknobs whenever I'm really paranoid.
Context for the next dream
At some point during the IRC we were talking about certain 'styles' of dream. I recounted dreaming about several made-up sports. One of them had to do with Hot Air Balloon Races where each one had their own fire hose. It was addictive trying to get the hang of this weird skill of managing your water and determining whether to use the hose as a turbo boost or to soak other balloons and cause them to sink and slow down. There was also a game I dreamed about that was sort of like... Area-control bouncy castle boxing? I remembered jumping around an arena with gloves on beating the shit out of people in like this inflatable brightly lit area imitating a farm. You had to protect your field with giant plastic corn baloons that would slowly grow in the area, while also running out to punch people and steal their inflatable corn.
A 'Dream I had recently' (circa March 2019)
I recently had a dream where there was this psychedelic underwater landscape of stripey badlands with all these underwater dome cities throughout.
And my gf and family and basically everyone I knew were like fish-people versions of themselves and it had blatantly lovecraftian undertones, but they were like, very cutesy fish people instead of dead-eyed rubber monsters so it was okay to join them. And basically they bit me so that I could join them swimming from city to city putting those windshield stickers on the roofs of each dome city that look like giant spiderweb cracks, and it caused mass hysteria because everyone thought the city was gonna get a hole in it/cave in.
Fun times, tbh. Almost as fun as the time I started punching people for inflatable corn and that was considered a sport.
A rehash of one of the IRC Nightmares
I don't get many fucked up nightmares anymore. Whenever scary shit happens in a dream it's mostly stuff that could've happened in real life, when super fucked up shit happens otherwise I usually just pass it off as entertainment. The last dream I had that legitimately upset me and wasn't about something that could happen IRL was when I dreamed about watching this unending livestream uploaded by a cult big on the idea of "ALL FLESH SHALL BECOME ONE" that was of some poor stripper with cerebral palsy and no arms and legs below the joints suspended uncomfortably on various poles and moaning whacking a table with the machete tied to one of her stumps.
Nevermind found another legit unfortunate dream
Had a mildly bothersome dream, and I don't trust my mind to sleep again even if I only managed to sleep for 2 hours
The stupidest part was that the whole part that really woke me up was happening under the pretense that it was fictional, it was part of a movie or show or something that a computer virus (it was a presentation video on things computer virusses did to people, just to make shit extra meta) would play on a loop while your shit malfunctioned or whatever.
Though it seemed to show the whole movie, or enough that I could understand the whole movie
Okay, you've bared with the stupid technical shit so now I can tell you all about how I watched a japanese dentist lady who was unhappy with her life eat all the teeth she pulled while no one was looking. She just had an obsession with doing it. Then she came home one day and had a minor existential crisis during a fallout with her husband and so she started having a Talking Heads Existential Crisis (E.G. "YOU ARE NOT MY HUSBAND! THIS IS NOT MY HOUSE!") and her face melted off Raiders of the Lost Ark style and showed off all its milky-eyed robot parts underneath
And then she would slap herself in a really disjointed manner until the front of her skull broke off, and this tightly packed mass of teeth started to fall out. The body horror was just window dressing. I've dreamed of more fucked up things and it was fun and pleasant. The fact she kept screaming the whole time was what made me uncomfortable.
A Vaguely CYS-related Dream.
I forgot to mention that I had a vaguely CYS-related dream last night. It had nothing to do with CYS itself, but people were there.
Somebody made a sourceport of an old DOS game. It wasn't OLD old, because it had enough graphics to make a source engine map, but. Allegedly, there was this entire adventure game, with a full on book-sized manual that looked like a 1970s DnD book It wasn't any good. But it was really open-ended so I kinda got stuck and went back to the castle for something, but a Team Deathmatch started, because why convert an ancient RPG to a first person source game if you're not gonna have Team Deathmatch?
A bunch of people from the discord joined, and we were basically fighting with Hexen magic-launchers that all had different effects. (Though there were some melee weapons, that all hit like trucks) I remember somebody was initially trolling people by using the "Catapult!" spell to launch people on his own team into the water*, but eventually we realized that was a more reliable way to get into the other team's base than taking the long way around under enemy fire.
*The map was essentially a castle with two "floors" on opposite ends within the walls, a moat going between them, and a moat going around the whole castle itself, with a few primitive 6-polygon buildings you could go in.
The dream ended as everybody was leaving and the only people left on the server were Corgi and I, we were arguing about something in the Game's lore. Some shit that had to do with the Goblin-monkeys of wizards who were non-consensually enslaved by the necromancers, and whether or not they should have been prosecuted for the crimes they committed against their will.
I don't remember many users other than Corgi, aside from recognizing names in the scoreboard, but I have trouble remembering text in my dreams sometimes. It's possible that a lot of them were just made-up names that my brain gave me "I recognize this!" vibes over for the fuck of it.
End had something nuts like 45 kills by the end because he was boating through the moat on a little wood-textured trapezoid of a canoe blowing up bridges and dragging people into the water. I guess I should have known it was a dream at that point. The weapons were supposed to emulate stuff from the original game, and there was no fucking way a game from that era could have handled exploding terrain. Or boats.
The Bunker Dream
My bunker dream was basically me and 4 other people I knew, we were mercernaries of some sort, running through the desert, trying to avoid "Witches". In this universe, witches were horrible scraggly, oily-furred black cat-people with wet claws and metal teeth. They didn't have eyes, except when they jumped at you, and then they had these bright yellow jumpscare eyes.
We found a bunker with 4 entrances, and we tried to set up defenses underground so we only had to defend from two directions. It's one of the dreams where I remember dying more than once. After a few deaths, though, it stopped being a nightmare about screeching cat-monsters with reality warping powers and it was just a bloody mess that was kinda fun.
Little Shop Vehicles.
Weird little shops are my second favorite kind of vehicle. I regularly think about little raft kiosks and balloon shops and things. It was what I spent the majority of my time doing with legos when I was little.
One of the designs that came to me in a dream fairly recently was, I was going floor by floor down a dungeon pathway, and a lady in a motherfucking drill machine pointed straight down would crash through the ceiling every level, root herself in with iron legs, and open a window to reveal on the inside was a rack of magic doohickeys.
And also she had a shelf full of items for sale
The Batman Dream
[Named here for posterity but cut out because it wasn't very cool or interesting at all.]
The one where Sent refers to a dream where he was on youtube watching a video essay as "Interesting"
I had another dream last night, I met somebody on discord, from a previous, more interesting dream where I was on youtube watching a video essay. It was about this sequel in the Tony Hawk Pro Skater franchise with a massive open world that, while you skated everywhere you went, it wasn't really about skating.
You went around the city of perpetual sunsets collecting quests, which all required you to do special tricks in certain places, but numerous supernatural things were happening in this town and by doing these tricks, you were completing rituals to appease the Underlurker, the Antlered One, and the Bloody-eyed children. Eventually you could manifest powers like astral projection and teleportation to escape the police who came after you for spraypainting tags and warnings in alleyways to ward off things that make the city more dangerous and creepy. The video was this long essay about how the tony hawk series got progressively worse overtime by just turning into a regular skater game.
Anyway, that wasn't THIS dream. I just met that guy on discord and he shared the ROM with me. Then I went to a Frank Sinatra concert. He sang "This Town", but instead of just the usual few verses, he went on and on with improvised rhyming insults because he really hated this town.
And he ran out of bad things to say about it, so the last verse was, "THIS towwwn, is a poo poo towwwn.
It's a PEE PEE TOOOOOOWN!
IT'S A BIG BROWN FROWN TOWWWN!"
And I woke up violently giggling* before I even got to play the game. Fuck you, Frank.
*It was that same jolt awake as when you're "falling" but it was because I was belly laughing at Frank.
The Theme Park
Also, I had another dream. It was about this theme park I went to that was like disney land but cool. They didn't own any properties I recognized or make any movies I knew, but it was a theme park of stuff they were allegedly associated with. Their whole around the world thing was a collection of not one but multiple castles that were across the street from each other firing cannons and arrows. Each one was from a different time period and culture.
I climbed the "Hungarian" tower using the climbing wall they had on the side to see what was in its walls, and people were doing a VR jousting game. You could buy your own Hussar Wings as a souveneir. Then I walked along the top wall and jumped from this castle to the Italian one, which had sort of a waterpark based on Venice and you could buy fancy renaissance clothes. Then I went to Germany which had a nice pretzel restaurant and you could get Full plate armor and fight other people but the line for that was understandably 5 hours long, so I jumped back onto the Italy castle and dove in the water, and sat in the river until it took me to the Chinese tower.
You could make your own customizable Jian there, so I did. And you could also take it on the "ride", too. What was this ride? Well, they put you in a room that was like a bouncy castle of a Chinese Throne Room, and on top of that, hooked you up with a bungie harness, and basically you would be like in a wire-fu kung fu sword movie flying around sword-fightin' fools for control of the throne in a king of the hill way. There weren't enough Chineaboos so I didn't have a lot of competition and eventually they just sent in stuntmen dressed as "traitorous eunuchs" to fight with me and the other 2 people.
So, it got me to wondering, how fucking good must these movies be if they could afford to build all this shit? So I went to their theatre, and, uh... Saw something.
It was a romcom. About a timid guy who was quiet and non-confrontational, but his girlfriend was madly in love with an imaginary version of him who screamed every word he said like filthy frank and ate popcorn like he was shoving it vaguely at his wildly flailung mouth. He would quote hitler and scream the N-word at his own farts. It was clear that he was imaginary, but he was just so loud that the guy could hear himself being cucked by, well, himself. She even made out with the imaginary invisible version in front of him.
So he's all sad and he goes to the bar to talk to his friends. And, y'know how these things go. Cue the whole "you need to be more assertive" thing and have like a little montage of him trying and failing because it's funny. They were really intent on him punching an old CRTV for some reason and he finally did it.
So he goes home, puts on boxing gloves, tears off his own shirt with his teeth and eats it (this gets his girlfriend wet as fuck) and then WRECKS their TV. But this leaves his girlfriend horrified, because, like, she's not attracted to violent people. She's attracted to violently autistic people.
I remember the crowd being like "awwwwe" and I fucking walking out of the theatre to go get another pretzel from germany but I woke up from laughing again. The world's best themepark owned by a multi-billion dollar entertainment company whose movies are just hour-long shitposts. Whoever their Walt disney is is living the dream.
The Onion Dream.
Had another dream. I was flying around this island town with like... It had this unfinished video game thing where the sky was black but the lighting was like daytime? Anyway when I was done exploring I started working at an onion-based food stand thing that could grow chrome metal human legs and walk and play music like an ice cream truck when there weren't customers around.
You could get:
A hot dog with a lot of cubed onions on it.
A hot dog with a lot of sauteed onions on it.
French onion soup. (As a meal or as a condiment)
A baked onion with lightly buttered insides.
A baked onion with the insides scooped out, served stuffed with roast beef and a little bit of scallions.
A bloomin' onion. (both the baked and bloomin' onion can be served in an ice cream cone)
An onion salad for the truly degenerate (actually what it said on the menu.) Which was several red, yellow, and purple onions minced up with scallions on top.
If someone ordered the Degenerate salad I don't think I ever actually made it for them. I would just yell "You FFFFFFFFUCKER!" and PELT THEM RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE with the biggest and hardest onion I could find. It would make this hilarious thud noise and in my dream that made me laugh so hard I couldn't stand up. One time a sweet old lady ordered the salad for degenerates and I threw the onion so hard she went "Agh!" fell backwards, rolled down the hill and died. That's when I woke up because I was involuntarily spasming too hard to sleep.
The School dream:
I had another weird dream but I'm scared I might have lost a lot of the fun details since it's been like 8 hours since I was asleep and I didn't write it down. The basic premise was that, like, somehow an "edutainment" game that wasn't educational at all had slipped through all filters and become part of the curriculum. It was a post-apocalyptic racing game with weird tracks full of loop-the-loops and skyways and things and pretty, psychedelic skyboxes with lots of big celestial objects. The protagonist was both the voice and likeness of Liam Neeson.
Even though it was a PS2 game, somehow and for some reason we were playing it in the computer lab. It was really gory and violent like Twisted Metal, except you customized what your car was from the ground up. You could either win parts by racing or leave the car and go into a junkyard to fight deformed monsters with a machete and loot cool things. Or you could just rob people.
The educational portion was that, the best guns in the game that you could put on the car used computer chips, which you actually had to code in order for them to target things, etc. And if you died, it was permadeath unless you could answer increasingly difficult math questions.
But that wasn't a problem if you git gud.
Eventually the teachers realized this and I guess somehow figured out how to play as bosses. Which is where things got weird because now you know they're in on it and this game isn't just in the school system because they just threw it in without paying attention. So there were several teacher-controlled Immortan Joe/Lord Humongous types bearing down on us and since most of my cool stuff got chainsawed off by car pirates, my passenger/shotgun guy and I were on the run.
I remember driving into just a regular modern un-apocalyptic city in the middle of the desert with pyramids and ruins and shit and causing a massive traffic jam so we could shoot someone with a more powerful car and steal it. That's about where we got the turrets that you have to code yourself and that's when it ended.
The Punch Detective:
Had another fun dream recently. A bunch of people I allegedly knew and I were staying in this hotel in chicago. It was a modern highrise building with glass walls on the outside, but there was old wood-paneling and wallpaper and things like a Thief 2 mansion. We were developing a video game but then it turned out we were also going to film a movie. About a kung fu detective because, I mean, what other concept could possibly be drilled that far into my subconscious?
I was taken to various locations that I felt like I remembered from other dreams in order to solve the mystery and punch the dudes. It was semi-steampunk but really more medieval than anything. I remember it being very reminiscent of thief 2, and the detective's outfit was like a 1650s cossack uniform.
He was hard-boiled and always had coffee at the place he was, but he never got to drink it because it would get dramatically interrupted in some way. Like when the murder victim turned out not to be dead and grabbed the detective's hand, screaming. This scared the crap out of him and made him punch the guy, who was then doubly freaking out because coffee was now in all his wounds. A lot of times every time, the murderer would also show up, out of nowhere, in order to duel the detective as soon as he figured out who it was.
A final scene would go thusly,
[At the police station]
Detective: I've reviewed the evidence. It must be Wilford Scrunion. [attempts to take a sip of coffee]
Wilford Scrunion: [bursts through the fucking 2nd story window and slaps the coffee out of Detectives's hand] NO IT ISN'T! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU FOR ACCUSING ME OF SUCH A THING!
Detective: How incriminating!
[5 minutes of beating the absolute shit out of each other and breaking all the furniture in the room]
To be honest the crime usually wasn't murder, but it was something they were willing to kill the detective in order to cover up. Crimes like smashing and then robbing all the gumball machines in a gumball store, or breaking into a house to leave the refrigerator door open.So the perps really got what was coming to them.
The last case was like, an animal noise/pest control investigation... Which is not usually in the perview of a crimes detective, but y'know, desperate times call for desperate measures.
It was recorded in the hotel room we were staying at, which was more like a really big living room and dining room with lofts that led up to individual bedrooms. The video game developers were extras.
They offered the detective coffee again, but the place was under investigation for a dirty animal problem, so he was awkwardly looking around trying not to drink it. And he sidled up to a garbage can to pour the coffee in, before realizing they had a sink. And this was a new bag so they just presumably had a garbage bag with coffee in it now, so in an effort to leave less evidence behind, he kept waiting until everyone's back was turned and tried to pour the garbage bag out into the sink.
But there was also a used banana peel in the bag which flopped out into the sink when he finished pouring out the coffee. So he frantically attempted to slouch over the banana peel when someone came by and pretended to wash his hands. But the water made the banana soggy and hard to pick up because it would fall apart. So he had to carefully scrape up parts of it to put back into the garbage can without anybody seeing
He didn't spend any time on the investigation at all. Eventually the giant mutant lizard thing just appeared out of the attic and started swingin'. He punched the crap out of it, then he tried to arrest it. But he couldn't put handcuffs on it because it retracted its limbs like a turtle. So he picked it up and threw it, out of the highrise window.
Then I woke up.
I wonder what this dream means.
Sent gets Trolled By his own Subconscious: A Poem
Had another dream
I was watching a Tim Allen movie in the basement of a friend's house, who I haven't visitted since I was little. I was there with a bunch of people I vaguely knew
Tim Allen was playing as multiple characters, or, at least, he would appear at points that didn't really make sense. The movie didn't really make sense but a plot was slowly starting to form. Not that anything from the previous scenes had affected it in such a way, but it was just starting to get more cogent, y'know?
Anyway so
Tim Allen
Eventually got to the point where he was this general
In the army or something
He was like in charge of secret projects and shit
There was an exploding toaster like in Home Improvement and when the toaster exploded, a laugh track went off
Anyway so there's a lot of MIB shenanigans like that leading up to the important reveal
They had built a time machine
And they sent Tim Allen back in time to general in the various wars
But Tim Allen
that wily fella
He killed Hitler.
And slowly over time
Started turning into Hitler
I lost my shit sleep-laughing again so I woke up before the Hitler Clause could take full effect.
I've never had my own brain wait that long to get to the punchline of the worst joke I've ever thought of.
Just Last Night:
Had a wild dream
I was on this planet that was like a mix between the 1800s and the 70s. Like it wasn't garishly steampunk, it had sci fi technology that was normally sci fi, there was just a baroque and art nouveau style to everything and I was rennovating a tacky old disco so I could start a business there.
I forget what precisely the business was, I think it was criminal debt collection because I spent a lot of the beginning of the dream sneaking up on people in seedy areas and beating the shit out of them. But my brain was visibly running out of places to go with this story because people started moving into the brown building and renovating it themselves and I realized it was you guys trying to make the CYS Castle.
In order to earn money (and get the police off our tail) we decided to start solving crimes in the local area. Everyone was assigned to a different aspect of the case of The Mad Stabber. A non-existent Cys user that my brain made up had found the pattern of victims and predicted who the next one was going to be. And Ford and I were sent to meet with that person
There was some exposition along the way due to my investigation prior to this that it was an underground dispute about a certain Sci Fi Mineral whose name I forget. It could be processed into a liquid narcotic called Wine but it wasn't really wine. And it came in either red or black.
Anyway since this was a crime happening between wealthy eyes wide shut degenerates ford and I went to a huge park garden decorated in this elaborate weird 1800s-1970s vibe with greek revival statues and marble railings and fountains and pathways with swirly bricks, lots of trees and ivy on things. The path we took was next to a cliff overlooking a big dark lake, and people were fishing off of it and catching weird monstrous alien fish
And we eventually found the guy we were looking for drinking out of a fountain of like an ancient greek style marble guy choking out a chinese lion and it was spitting out a stream of this bright red solid-colored thick like pepto bismol "Wine". It was apparently good but I never tasted it myself
Ford thought it would be a Haha funny joke to get the police aware of our intentions as non-criminal good guys (and also get the next victim under some kind ofnwitness protection) if when I came up behind him to join the conversation he yelled "ARE YOU THE MAD STABBER!?" and punched me in the face and then threw me over the railing of the cliff into the lake
5 armored policemen show up like Oblivion Guards and I remembered going unconscious but laughing because Ford's voice cracked.
The last thing I remember was trying to play it cool when I woke up in police custody and they were like, "do you want to press charges?" And I was putting on a dramatic badass veneer like "Does he know anything about the case? His kmowledge might be too valuable."
But it was hard not to laugh because of Ford's voice crack.
I woke up snickering