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So, I've been going through a massive dry spell when it comes to writing. Since I got ill I've found it a struggle to write anything at all, and whatever I do write, I always end up second guessing myself and have to start over again.

Well... No more! I've discovered an app where you can publish the absolute greatest fictional attrocities of all time! I mean these things are pure, unadulterated, 100% cheesy romance fluff! They make Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey look like masterpieces. (And, for some reason, they seem to have a massive boner for werewolves, but whatever does it for you.)

Well, they're hosting a competition that I'm hoping is going to break my year long writer's block. Instead of putting off writing because I'm worried I'm going to write shit... I actually HAVE to write shit! And I have to write a lot of shit and really fast. (The deadline is October 30th, which gives me less than a month to write at least 30,000 words.)

So, if I'm going to succeed in this absolutely epic undertaking, I need your help! This story has got to be the crappiest, cheesiest, most vomit enducing piece of mom porn you can possibly imagine, so each day, I will be coming up with a new task for you all to help me make this story as shitty as it can possibly be!

Task 1:

So, first things first, we need to tick off every terrible romance cliche in the book!

Here's a few I thought of in advance:

1. The world's most beautiful plain girl

The female protagonist is just your average, plain teenage girl. With her slender figure, enormous breasts, perfect perky bum, long, flowing blonde hair, ruby red lips and enormous blue eyes that shine like saphires, no boy would ever notice her. She really can't understand why the most popular guy in school suddenly asked her to the prom. It has to be a joke, right? I mean, no way could he seriously be intested in her! She's just so plain!

2. Tale as old as stockholm syndrome

Can you believe that bastard actually kidnapped you? This is fucking terrifying! You've been locked up in his mansion for months now, only allowed outside for sunbathing and shopping sprees. Your parents must be worried sick! In fact, by now, they probably think you're dead. You have to get out of here! ... But your kidnapper is just so dreamy! He's so tall and handsome, and he keeps buying you expensive gifts. And, to be fair, he did say he was sorry for kidnapping you. You see, he had to do it for nonsensical plot related reasons. And he's so much nicer than your no good cheating ex. Mabye getting kidnapped by a billionaire isn't so bad after all!

3. The way better third wheel

Every cheesy romance needs a good love triangle. But to be a truely accurate, cheesy romance novel love triangle, the third wheel has to be the nicest, kindest, sweetest, most considerate guy in the world. Someone who would be FAR better for the female protagonist than the hot and cold bad boy she's obsessed with... But of course, in the end, she'll still marry the hot and cold bad boy, because... You know... He's super hot! (And/or super rich)

4. Selfish, bitchy angel

The female protagonist is a lovely girl. So sweet and unassuming. The kind of guy any boy would want to bring home to his mother. The heroine we're all supposed to root for... And yet, somehow, also the world's biggest cunt. She's a bitch to her parents. She treats her friends like crap. She plays her love interests against each other. Hell, she'd happily cheat on her boyfriend and not even feel bad about it the next day. And yet, somehow, this girl is the heroine of our story! Lucky us. :p

5. Violence is romantic

Some guy looked at the female protagonist the wrong way? LOVE INTEREST SMASH!!! Never fear, gentle readers. Our hero will defend the fair maiden's honour by punching the living shit out of any man who touches, flirts, or so much as smiles at our poor, defenceless heroine. And how will the protagonist react to her childhood best friend being sent to the hospital with a broken nose? "... Oh! Love interest is so protective!!!" <3

... And that's all I can think of so far. Please, help me write the shittiest story of all time by giving me a whole bunch of terrible romance cliches! I'm counting on you! ^_^

(Oh, I thought we were choosing them, re-do)

1. The girl who becomes depressed when her boyfriend dumps her.
"My boyfriend is so perfect, so handsome! How could anyone not love those dreamy eyes? His tan skin just glistens in the moonlight. I would do anything for my boyfriend!" Sooner or later, the guy dumps her. She's heartbroken and broken. She dyes her hair black, wears goth makeup, and wears black hoodies, walking around, talking about cults and sacrifices. Used to be nice, but now is just a goth. 

2. The tsundere.
"B-Baka! Don't give me your bento, y-you deserve it more. I-I-I mean I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!" Her cheeks flush whenever she's near her crush but pretends to hate him. Honestly, you can never tell if she actually hates him or likes him.

These are the most common ones I could find. Sorry if it's not a lot!

Both wonderful suggestions! Bonus points if the emo girl and her dreamy boyfriend are only together for a week before the terrible breakup. ^_^

I got some that really annoy me, hope these are good!

1.) Stalking= True Love

Sure, maybe the guy knows way too much information about our lead, but that's just because he loves her. Guys, you just don't understand, he needs to watch her sleep at night and track her every movement at all times. I mean, it's not like she can take care of herself or anything, right? 

And maybe one could argue that his need for total control could be considered abuse, but isn't he dreamy?

2.) Personality? Who needs one?

Make her like something that'll make her look smart. Maybe her favorite book is War and Peace. or she's just obsessed with Shakespeare. Why does she like them? Eh, doesn't matter. She just does.

She should also be clumsy. Like, really clumsy. That's important, because it gives you an excuse to have her falling literally into her love interest's arms.

3.) Purple Prose

Use words that'll make reader's wish they had a dictionary on hand, and avoid the word 'said' at all costs.

Anyway, that's what I got. I hope this helps!

1. I do absolutely love how obsessively stalkingand harassing a girl can either be creepy or romantic depending on whether the protagonist is good looking or not. ^_^

2. Oh dear God, yes! I absolutely NEED to have clumbsiness as the protagonists one and only personality trait. And, of course, she's SO not like other girls because, you know... She reads books! O.O

3. I'm actually thinking the opposite for this one. Dumb down the words ridiculously so that even a five year old can understand each and every one. Like, if it's more than two syllables, assume the reader will have no idea what I'm talking about and scrap it. :p

With the mere theme of merging as many bad cliches together as possible, your story will already be more interesting than you're aiming for. What you want to do is stick to just one cliche and ride it all the way out, delivering the most tired and debilitating lack of originality possible.

The easiest way to get into the spirit is to watch anything on the Hallmark channel.

I've seen a few awesome youtube reviews where the reviewers just watched massive marathons of terrible Hallmark Christmas movies. From what I remember, the main themes need to be shoving religion down the viewer's throat and falling in love through cheesy family Christmas traditions. ^_^

Here's a couple of common romance things that you could probably exaggerate:

1. Arranged Marriage

Oh no, it looks like the heroine is being sent off to marry some random dude for political/societal/plot reasons! This is no good! I mean just LOOK at this random guy! He's probably the most evil guy ever, being in an arranged marriage like this! Who cares if he also does not want to be a part of this marriage and probably has his own little love story going on? He's probably a reincarnation of HITLER! Matter of fact, who cares if this marriage could make-or-break the rest of the family, possibly dooming them if things don't go well? She don't want to marry HITLER 2!

2. Strong and Independent (Except not really)

Look at this heroine lady go. She's been through her fair share of tough scrapes, brawls, and other dangerous things, because she can take care of herself! She said so! Oh, but what's this? A bus, rushing toward her from down the street she's standing in the middle of? Why isn't she moving out of the way, standing there like a deer in the headlights? Then, just at the last second, the Love Interest tackles her out of the way! Wow! Isn't this guy so dreamy?

3. Abuse is okay if they love each other

Sometimes, the Love Interest will really treat the Heroine like trash. Like, absolute human garbage. He might even get a little rough with her. Or a lot rough with her. But it's okay! He's just doing this because he comes from a bad family. He doesn't know any better! At the end of the day, after he apologizes for slamming her head against a table with a box of flowers, and they proceed to have rough, very one sided intercourse, they both know that they love each other. Right?

Hope that these help your writing process. Might think of more later. In the meantime, good luck!

1. This seems to be a very common trope on the writing website, just judging from the titles. Such titles include, "All Started With A Forced Marriage", "My Contract Marriage," "Forced Marriage With The Billionaire", and "The Billionaires Forceful Marriage" ... Yes, those are two seperate titles. ^_^

2. Oh God yes! I need to do this! Talk about how the female protag is a strong, independant woman who can look after herself, then have her constantly being rescued every five minutes. ^_^

3. I am DEFINITELY doing this. Abusive men are so romantic! <3 <3 <3

Oh yes! And then she must repeatedly faint because the corset is too tight. ^_^

Oh yeah! The complete and utter abomination that was Mulan 2. I remember finding it hilarious that Mulan was SO outraged by the idea of an arranged marriage when, in the original Mulan, the story literally begins with Mulan trying her best to impress the Matchmaker. Whose job is... You know... ARRANGING MARRIAGES! >.<

Patchy the Neckbeard has offered you a bribe of 300 gold to set him up with Stacey the Bimbo. Do you take it? ^_^

Thanks so much for all the ideas guys. There's some really good terrible romance tropes in there. Keep them coming! But while I get started on Chapter 1, I'll leave you guys with the REALLY important stuff.

Task 2: Meet the Author! ^_^

You don't think I'm publishing this story under "Avery Moore", do you? Dear God, no! I don't want to flush all my credibility down the toilet! And so, I need an identity. But not just any identity... The ultimate trashy romance author identity! And, of course, the website in question has a page for all the authors, so before I can publish anything, I must create an identity for all my future adoring fans!

First, I need a pen name... And dear God, it needs to be terrible! Something super pretentious and overly fluffy. Something like... Aphrodite Divine or Sapphire Venus or Gemini Radience... Just something super, super gay like that. I'm sure you guys will do me proud.

Second, I need a profile pic. For this, I'll either need a stock image or a randomly generated pic from: https://thispersondoesnotexist.com/ ... I'm thinking an overweight middle aged woman with weird coloured hair because she's hip and down with the kids... But really, any image could work. I'll see what you guys come up with! ^_^

And finally, I need an identity! The "About Me" section is going to allow the readers to see into the very soul of Angelica Harmony (or whatever her name is). So, what personality shall we give our romance connoisseur? Is she a struggling single mother of eight, surviving only on the money she makes selling DoTerra essential oils? Is she an avid anti-mask protestor, doing all she can to open peoples eyes to the truth about this fake virus? Is she a devout cult follower, who quit her job to become a full time writer since, you know, the world's going to end in a couple of months anyway? The possibilities are endless!

And so, I leave this most essential task in your capable hands! Who is the author of the most terrible romance novel of all time and what makes her tick? I expect the results to be a complete and utter abomination. Do not disappoint me! ^_^

Beautiful! O.O

Pen name: Rodoopa

Profile picture: 

About Me: Hello elves and ogres, my name is Rodoopa. I come from Sparkle Forest, in a little shack hidden among the oak trees. Storywise, I love romance. Fanfiction, to be exact! Writing about my favorite characters brings joy to me. I have a dying dog named Honey so I fed him some elixir to make sure he doesn't. He's now flying, what a happy soul! 

D'awhh! ^_^

Pen Name: Briar Rose

About me: Hi everyone! For any of you Cost of Captivity readers out there, I just wanted to let you know that, unfortunately, a sequel hasn't been published yet.

But the latest update includes:

The options to play as male, female, ace, non-binary, non-humanoid.
The player gets to choose their own name.
Five romance stats, as opposed to the original two.
Sixty nine extra pages.
More detailed backstory for your horse Pablo, and a lot of other romance-able characters!

... You suck balls. >.<

Lol

This is the best I could find. The woman's not a silhouette but there's a ton of cats!

I suppose I could just look for stock images of a crazy cat lady. ^_^

A hopeless romantic student artist who spends her free time reading and writing supernatural romance?

Wait. . .

Perfect! And what are some of her favourite supernatural romance novels? ^_^

Goddess in the Sheets, Birds of a Feather, Lacy and Racy, Maid in Leather, and Sealed with a Kiss!

Apologies, mizal. :(

Could just be a particularly horny 11 year old. ^_^

I tried my best to think like Rodoopa, I failed horribly. ;(

Update: My birthday was two days ago, now I'm 11! 

What's the name of the app?

Dreame! A beautiful website with such romantic and stimulating titles as:

The Alpha Prince and his Bride

Hungry Wolf with his Queen

Claimed by the Alpha

Sex With a Beast

My Alpha, My Pack

Beast in the Night

Alpha's Abused Princess Mate

And many, many more! (Like I said, weird boner for werewolves) ^_^

Wowie, that sure is...something alright. Actually, I think I'm inspired to add to the collection of stories. Won't enter the contest, though. Too much pressure.

Well if you wanted to enter the contest then here's the link! ^_^

The deadline is the 30th though, so not much time to throw a whole story together.

since the site loves werewolves for some reason, imma write a story called "Werewolves Are Assholes: And Now I'm One of Them"

A sequel to "Vampires Suck" ^_^

I've not read a lot of shitty romance novels, but I have watched a few hallmark movies and read some of the very worst garbage that would border on just being softcore porn if there wasn't so much elaborate work put in to making the world around them as unintentionally stupid as their entire relationship.

1. Everyone has Lots of Money

Maybe it's a weird case of these sort of author ladies writing what they know, or maybe it's a case of wish fulfillment the audience is meant to have, but you can rest assured that our plain protagonist is going to have a domineering businessman dad, and be swept from her humble cozy beachside cottage on the west coast to this shy unassuming rich guy's profanely elaborate castle mansion. If there's a wealth difference, (as in, if both the protagonist and the object of their affections aren't equally rich) the family on the upper side will undoubtedly also be stuck-up and snooty, even though some of them will be well-meaning in their condescending or out-of-touch supportiveness.

If the protagonist's family is the rich one, expect them to be hilariously, medieval-famly-level possessive of their heiress, even in the year 2020. They will actively forbid the romance, and probably find some designated rich douchebag to press upon her. You can expect some bonus love triangle action when the douchebag turns out to have a heart of gold, just like the douchebag with the heart of gold that initially seduced her.

2. Immortals and historical figures act just like modern people

Are you living in a modern percy-jackson-esque mythological world getting seduced by a muscular greek hero? Pretty weird how he seems to believe that women are the same species as himself. But, that's alright. Maybe he's just a Spartan? A Spartan that doesn't believe that poor people are less than human? Are you a time-traveller getting swept off your feet by a literal knight in shining armor? The idea that he would go out of his way to try and woo, even marry this "plain" family-less peasant from nowhere instead of using her as a side-piece or finding a prostitute would be silly... If he weren't so damn chivalrous. Maybe it's a period piece? You're waiting for your sweetest beau to come back from The War?... Of course, there can't be any black people in this story because otherwise the cameras might catch your sweetheart might saying something untoward. 

Same thing as with immortal people who happen to be from any time period. As opposed to changing socially overtime to blend in, people from yesteryear always seem to stay exactly, stubbornly the same in all their antiquated mannerisms (despite being exposed to generations of slang and language changes over untold centuries), but things like racist worldview, fervent nationalism, undying fealty to their liege, they'll willfully abandon all that stuff to keep up with the times!


3. Supernatural Creatures are Good People!

Anyone who's been to England knows that even the good fairies are dangerous. Nobody goes to the Deep Green, not only out of respect, but because a psychedelic nightmare of pranks and danger await them if they do. There are at least 8 different intelligent species of fairy whose entire job in terms of human-fairy relations is to fucking drown you. Many of them are tiny little old men, people with other physical deformities, many more are animals. Others don't have a physical form. But in a romance novel? They're kind, beautiful, misunderstood people who like green things and would never hurt a fly. Killing is against fairy code or something!

Dijinn are happy disney genies. Vampires? Either intense, romantic lovers who angstily hate what they are, or also deeply misunderstood because the way they eat doesn't even seriously harm anyone. Werewolves will be similarly misunderstood, but because they don't *necessarily* kill humans to live, they'll usually also be portrayed as 'the good guys' in comparison to other 'dark' creatures. Conversely, angels will always be 'mysterious', 'dangerous', and other superficially edgy things despite also being, y'know, angels.

If the vampire/werewolf/celtic river-drowning horse man is the kind that kills people, there will be an almost soviet historybook-like omission of anything horrible about their actions, or how many people they would've had to kill over the past however long they've been alive, or the way that might have affected the world around them for the worse... As long as it doesn't directly effect these two lovebirds, it will be handily ignored. (You can also be sure that being hideously deformed corpses as some folkloric vampires are wont to be is out of the question. That horse man fairy would be neither a horse, nor skinless. But he might still drown people because he's mysterious.)

If the whathaveyou isn't somebody that kills people all the time, let there be only casual mention of the actual genocide that bigoted humans have been comitting against them for thousands of years for no apparent reason! Have this all be water under the bridge as soon as the lovers meet even though that person has been forced to abandon most of their vampire culture or whatever and carefully hide themselves for the majority of their (usually immortal) life.

1. Yeah, I've noticed this in Hallmark movies a lot. Not only is the protagonist always filthy rich and practically living in a mansion, but they'll also usually complain about how poor they are.

2. Oh yeah! Definitely will need to include this one. The story is set in a medieval world, so I'll need to have the characters acting like they're from 2020, using modern words and making references to things that don't even exist yet.

3. Hmm, this is definitely a good one, but I don't think I'll be able to use it as it clashes with my Tale as Old as Stockholm Syndrome trope. :p

So, I've finished Chapter 1 of The Shittest Story of All Time.

Please feel free to give advice on how to make it shittier, though keep in mind, I'm not going for a, "So bad that even My Little Pony fanfic writers think it's bad" type shitty, but more of a, "So shitty that it sells billions of copies to teenage girls and soccer moms across the world" type shitty. :p

Well, the lot of you were practically useless in coming up with a bio for my morbidly obese mother of eight, so I took it upon myself to write a profile for you. Ladies and Gentlemen... Meet Charity Heartspace! ^_^

Hello everyone. My name is Charity Heartscape. I’m a 34 year old single mother of five boys and three beautiful little girls. The most important thing you need to know about me is that my kids are my whole world and I love them more than life!

I am a true, practising Wiccan with the powers of fortune telling and healing. I believe that any ailment, no matter how strong, can be cured through the power of healing crystals, positive thinking, and DoTerra Essential Oils, which I use in all of my healing spells. I work as an Executive Ranking DoTerra Sales Woman, and all of my earnings go toward supporting my eight children.

I have always loved writing romance stories, and am a very popular writer on fanfiction.net and have over 3,000 followers. I’m especially popular for my Twilight/Harry Potter crossfiction romance. (Edward x Hermione forever!!!)

My writing isn’t perfect, but I put all of my heart and soul into it, and I really hope I can find some reader who will give my stories a chance and give me some nice feedback. Love you all! Xoxoxo

Lol! 

Yes!!! ^_^

Good job. I hate it.

So, we have our author and we have our first chapter. Now to send our masterpiece out into the world! But we just need one more thing...

Task 3: Author's Note

Yes, this website actually comes with the option to include an Author's Note. And God help me, that is my absolute favourite part of a terrible story! I think I cry laughed the first time I read the epic first chapter of My Immortal, prefaced by:

"AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!"

But what to include in my Author's Note? Should I tell them all that I'm 11 and this is my very first story, so they all need to be nice to me? Or should I tell them that I think my story is awesome so I don't care what they think and if they don't like it then they can GTFO. Dab on the haterz! What do you guys think? ^_^

Done! (Though minus the link to the scam site, because that's probably not allowed.)

AN: Hello everyone! This is my first time writing on this website so I really hope that I do well and you enjoy my first story. It's been a very hard week for me because my beloved cat Ruffles just passed away and I'm heartbroken, so please be kind and don't say anything too upsetting. Constructive criticism is welcome though, because I really want to get better. Love you all! xoxoxoxo

Perfect! :]

I am having WAY too much fun with this. ^_^

Same! Here's Ruffles, her cat that just passed away.

She dressed her cat up way too much!

F :'(

I forgot the most important part of a terrible mom porn romance novel.

Task 4: My Inner Goddess

You can't make a steamy romance novel without the steamy love scenes. And every good love scene needs to make use of some... Colourfully creative language, as kindly demonstrated by our good friend Gilbert Gottfried here:

Yes, unfrotunately, there is just nothing sexy about the words "penis" or "vagina". And so, I need to come up with some nice, creative, descriptive words the describe the protagonist's "Inner Goddess" or the leading man's "Throbbing Manhood". But, of course, I'm too lazy to do this myself. So lets see what you guys can come up with! Bonus points for ultimate cringe factor. ^_^

Got ya! I will be sure to write an epic sonnet describing the squishiness of her magnificant mameries before any porking begins. ^_^

Obviously, the creepy stalker stare must be included in any love scene. I'll have a look at r/creepypms and see if the neckbeards have any advice onto how to stare into the eyes of a m'lady.

And of course, I shall be sure to include much gasping and biting of the bottom lip. ^_^

Still really want to come up with a weird and creative new word for describing the vagina though. Something like... Her "maiden's flower". Though I'm sure that can be improved. :p

Terrible dick metaphors are my favourite part of trashy romance. The leading man's dick could be described as "Mt. Fuji rising above clouds of pubic hair" if its unshaved. If not, it could be "as smooth as a peeled hot dog". At the climactic moment, it could be described as a "high powered pump-action sour cream Super Soaker".

OMG, YES!!! I must find a way to use all three of these metaphors in my story. ^_^

I've discovered an app where you can publish the absolute greatest fictional attrocities of all time! I mean these things are pure, unadulterated, 100% cheesy romance fluff! They make Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey look like masterpieces. (And, for some reason, they seem to have a massive boner for werewolves, but whatever does it for you.)

Well that's just unfair! CoG would NEVER publish 50 Shades of Grey! That's full of "bad gender politics"... Now if it was a woman billionaire with a harem of male sexs slave, they'd be all over that shit. :p

I've just had the greatest idea ever!!!

Task 5: Will you be my waifu m'lady?

Just for the shits and the lulz, I want to include into the steamy love scenes a bunch of quotes from r/creepypms or r/creepyasterisks or other degenerate neckbeardy reddit threads. Basically just take the grossist, creepiest, most disturbing "holy shit, I'm calling the police" type quotes, throw them in the story and try to pass them off as romantic! Some good examples that I could find (AL, please close your eyes and think of rainbows and fluffy bunnies.):

So, if any of you can find any super gross, cringe enducing, so disgusting it makes you want to burn your eyes out type messages, let me know and I'll turn them into the most romantic dragon porn you've ever seen. ^_^

"damn bitch... do that thang be farting" 

... Where the fuck did that one come from? ^_^

my DMs with michelle obama 

Damn, she's kinky! ^_^

Can't tell if it was good or not, but I thought of this!

Sorry AL, but that is not in the slightest bit creepy and is, infact, adorable. You have failed miserably. :p

Great idea!!! Come on Lar, give me some of your best pickup lines. ^_^

It gets furrier. Viewer discretion is advised.

Hey! You sure seem sweet. What's a girl like you up to these days? You know, like how you doin? Hopfully your havin a great time. You know, like livin life to the fullest. Amiright?? Anyway get back at this lil guy if you feel like shooting the talky talky. Amirighr or amirigjt baby!! ?? Well totes magotes baby chilli flake. Sizzlin spitter and sputter and spicy and spatter. Anyways baby. Totes magotes messege baby chilli flake.. Lates magnates .

h-hey *offers a lavender flower*

you must be gorgeous and sexy like a model or actress. I was wondering if you could describe in detail dancing in either leggings or a cheerleading outfit while I hump your leg. I have a leg fetish and genophobia meaning fear of intercourse. so I'd just hump your leg heh. I'd enjoy that from a goddess like you.

*Looking at you smiles softly walking to you* "oh hey would you like to grab a coffee with me hun?" *Blushes madly a bit nervous rubbing my arm shyly my plump ass jiggling softly as I walk to you waiting for your answer*

*Without warning, you were pushed against the wall, my hands slowly crawling along the side your hips with my eye's fixated amidst your fine figure. My touch firm, yet gentle as I bit my bottom lip with a spark if hunger thrashing through my mind. I'd whisper a low gentle tone, my breath warm with the scent if purple roses.* When I say "explicit"... I honestly mean, explicit.. Because i can be a little up front from time to time bebita, and tbh, i might just slip you a secret pic just to prove a point.

mmm *my big dog dick begins to pulsate as i look depe inside ur eyes* ur eyes are so deep and i want to go deep inside ur guts big sexy *i wink as my tongue sneaks from my lips* eheheheheheheehehehe *my dog dick rubs against ur leg*

sry not meant for u bitch *i lasso my huge veiny dog cock over my shoulder* u wish u could be so lucky......

unless u were interested

That fourth one is definitely going in the story! Like, word for word. ^_^

Aw man. :(

Sorry AL, I know you're trying your best, but I'm afraid you're just far too cute and wholesome to write creepy dragon erotica. :p

Definitely need to use this one:

So I've hit a bit of a snag in my shitty story. I've reached a chapter where I can't quite figure out how to make it shitty.

Task 6: To Cringe or not to Cringe

So I've reached the part of the story where I introduce the "way better third wheel" character. The super nice guy who would be way better for the protagonist than the male lead (but gets pushed aside for the asshole because he's better looking) but I'm having trouble making this chapter shitty because... You know... There's nothing to cringe at.

Any ideas how I can introduce a nice character while still making the writing terrible? ^_^

Maybe this is where the cute, nerdy girl cliche comes in? And she's super clumsy!

Oh, definitely. "OMG! You like books too? I thought I was the only one!!!" Thanks AL. ^_^

No problem! 

Also, here she is:

"My favorite book is Warrior Cats and Harry Potter! Am I the only one who comes to the library to read and not play games, oh my god... Ack! I fell! Oh nuuuuu! My Warrior Cat books!"

Oh, no, no, no AL. She doesn't like Warrior Cats! This is a CLASSY nerd. Her favorite book of all time is Romeo and Juliet! Of course, nobody else in her class has even heard of Romeo and Juliet. It's a really, really old book  written by some posh English writer who died hundreds of years ago, so of course, not even her teacher has heard of such an old, obscure book as Romeo and Juliet. ^_^

Oh, no, no, no AL. She doesn't like Warrior Cats!

(Oops, redo)

"Greetings, my name is Agnes Beatrice Gretchen the 3rd. I like Romeo and Juliet, the best book out there! WHAT?! YOU DON'T LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET?! GASP! Ye art disgusting! Absolutely horrifying! Get out of my presence!"
"Does anybody come to the library anymore for books? That's the main purpose of a library, duh."
"Oh nuuuuuu! My Romeo and Juliet? I never know if she will live to tell the tale! LIVE JULIET, LIVE!"

Perfection! ^_^

OMG, I have it! I won't make him a nice guy, I'll make him a "nice guy" *tips fedora* ^_^

Yes! This idea is perfect! 

Okay, an update on task 6!

I need some terrible, gross, creepy lines that only nice guys and neckbeards say. Things like:

"You're looking delectable today, m'lady."

"You're pretty smart, for a female."

"I don't understand why women date assholes. I would treat them so much better!"

"I'm a true gentleman. I open doors for ladies, even though they NEVER say thank you!"

You get the idea. ^_^

Ooh, yesss! Alright, alright, here's some pickup lines that I got:

"Want to dance? I have the best moves a girl could ever ask for~."
"Ooh whoa, ooh whoa, ooh whoa, you know you love me, I know you care, just shout whenever and I'll be there, you are my love, you are my heart, and we will never, ever, ever be apart~" (Lyrics to Baby by Justin Bieber)
"I have money, but I only spend it for my girl. She's the most important person in my life now."

I like that last one. ^_^

Writing these made me feel bad :(

"Your breasts look heavy, let me pick them up for you."

"You know, I usually only date skinny women, but I think I can make an exception in your case."

"I wish women could look past my looks and just see me for the nice guy I am. No ugly ladies, though."

*Offers a drink* "Don't worry, I didn't put anything in it."

"You look just like [insert anime waifu here]"

"You're so innocent, I bet you're still a virgin. Wanna fix that?"

You are my hero. ^_^

It's okay, you pusheen! Here's some holy water if it makes you feel better:

Thank you :)

"Allow me to escort you home, m'lady. Don't worry, I promise I won't rape you. I'm a gentleman." ^_^

It's not rape if you yell "surprise!" ^_^

#MeToo ^_^

M'lady

M'laysia

If we're on the topic of bad romance stories, I remember as of late a fad with trauma porn (physical / emotional), so in light of that :

1.  Two Broke Things

Either by a physical ailment or some vapid level of trauma, you'll always see generally broken people pair up and try to squeeze some cuddles and "soft moments" with each other.  Yeah, hide in each other's vulnerabilities until you inevitably use each other's weaknesses as soft points when it comes to petty arguments and backstabbings.

And somehow, that shit just fucking mends with a hug and an apology.  Or death, which turns the entire story into an extended eulogy.

2. Fixer-Uppers

Along the same lines, your romance stories involving broken boys and girls just waiting to be fixed is way too tired a theme that banks on kids and young adults who are way in over their heads actually fixing problems.  Solutions include ridiculous amounts of money being made in record time, friendly co-habitation with the family (and somehow, them being just fine with that), drug habits that are somehow kicked with cuddles and kisses, and who can ever forget the emotionally traumatized that end up getting off scot-free by doing anything but being toughened up?

I also hear that ridiculously expensive gifts work wonders when it comes to healing years of physical and emotional abuse. ^_^

Yeah, but imagine being a fuck-all wealthy paraplegic and deciding to off yourself when exoskeletons and other types of cutting-edge therapies were less than a decade away.

You know, after building up a solid relationship with a decidedly healthy individual in mind and body, only to break their and your entire family's hearts with the ensuing "euthanasia".

Couldn't be me.

... Is this the plot line to that terrible looking cheesy romance movie with Daenerys in it?

So, I've hit a bit of a snag in my terrible dragon erotica. I've done the beginning and I have the end all planned out, but I'm pulling a blank when it comes to the middle. (Should've done the terrible, long drawn out, protagonist finding out that the male lead is a dragon trope, but she already found out in chapter 3, so too late.) So...

Task 7: Terrible Tropes

What awful romance novel scenes can I include in my story to fluff the pages out a bit? You know, besides the pointless love triangle and the asshole that ends up falling in love with the protagonist for no particular reason.

OMG, yes! I know what my shitty romance story needs... A talent show! ^_^

Yes! Most definitely! I know the perfect cliche for this: the pageant queen! 

Here she is:

I was going to choose a dragon, but all the dragons had big balloons and it creeped me out. :(

"But I could never win the talent show!" Arabella gasped. "All of the other women are so beautiful, and even though I have a lovely singing voice, am a wonderful dancer, write beautiful poetry and can professionally play every instrument known to man, there's no way the judges would ever pick me!" owo

Of course. Everyone knows that awkwardly positioned intercourse is the best cure for a twisted ankle. :p

Changed my mind. Not a talent show... A ball!

"Oh no! I have to go to a ball in a beautiful dress and dance with the king? But... But I don't know how to dance! Oh, whatever shall I do? If only there was someone who could teach me!"

>.<

The "Not like other girls" girl

"Really? A ball? Why can't we go to a skate park? Bruh. This sucks. Welp, at least it's a ball I can crash! And I can raid the potato room! Also, do we have to wear dresses? I'mma wear my uwu hoodie instead."

"Will there be books at the ball? ... I FUCKING LOVE BOOKS!!!"

"MY PERSONALITY IS BOOKS!!!"

"FRICK YEAH! I can't curse cause I lOvE gOd AnD i'M a HoLy ChIlD! uwu"

Then, she chugs Holy Water (bleach) on the ballroom table. 

Oh no, mizal! Arabella can't be jealous of someone else. It's everyone else who needs to be jealous of Arabella! ^_^

Though I am thinking of having an evil princess that Dracus the dragon prince is engaged to, to which Arabella's response is, "... Oh... The guy who bought me as a slave and kidnapped me, taking me away from my friends and family, and who gave me away as a present to his father and has treated me like crap ever since is getting married to someone else? ... Oh... But... But I thought he liked me..." :'(

The evil princess, of course, will immediately hate our heroine for no reason at all. Seriously, I hate this trope of women fighting each other over a man, with the idea being that in order for women to be friends they can't find the same person attractive. I mean, it really irritates me. 

Also, I'm finding myself weirdly invested in this story. 

Yey! ^_^

You've probably moved past this section, but it definitely is a prime area for the "jealous rival sabotages main character" trope. She didn't twist her ankle at the ball on *accident,* of course, someone put tacks in her dancing shoes! But the heroine dutifully finishes out the dance with her dragon, anyway, all the while her feet are bleeding, to keep him from some ancient code of dishonor. When she dramatically faints in his arms at the final dip, he realized the truth as he sees her bloody shoes, and is forced to acknowledge how tough and resilient she is. Then he  proceeds to enact the ancient ritual of Dragon revenge and go in a slaughtering spree of any guest with the scent of her shoes on them. Never mind that ten innocents will due, he's definitely killed the jealous beatch who harmed her - so romantic! 

Of course she'll misunderstand when she awakes, hearing only that he murdered several guests - leading to some akward avoidance until she overhears it was done all for her - then she'll rush (well, limp) off to throw herself in his scaley arms!

Oh, definitely! I'm thinking a full on Cinderella rip off where the protagonist spends hours sewing the most beautiful ball gown of all time, only to have it completely destroyed by the jealous rival... But it's okay, because she is given a new, even more beautiful dress by her Fairy God Dragon. ^_^

But yeah, I definitely need to do a scene where the dragon kills a bunch of innocent people in revenge for some slight against the main character... But it's totally romantic and sweet because, "I did it for you!" ^_^

... Yeah, I'm out of ideas for Shitty Story related tasks, so I'll just throw out the obvious:

Task 8: Make it Shittier!

Basically, if you can think of any scenes, plot twists, character developments or anything else I can include in my shitty story to make it even more hilariously terrible, let me know so that I can milk you all for maximum shittiness! ^_^

Plot Twist: The main character is actually a dog with a tumor!

That... Is a really fucking good plot twist. No one will see that coming! ^_^

Any time somebody laughs, spell it out like dialogue.

It's not:

She giggled.

It's:

"Hee hee hee," she giggled.

I personally prefer "Tehehe" but I like your style! ^_^

To make up for my mistakes, I have some stuff for you. 

1.) Our heroine is secretly part dragon???? #notclickbait 

2.) Trapped in an enclosed space together, whatever shall they do? 

3.) True love's kiss or something.

4.) He loves her but he has to stay away!!! To protect her!!!

Does anyone else dislike the word 'lover'? It just makes me feel uncomfortable. The same goes for 'mate'. 

2.) Trapped in an enclosed space together, whatever shall they do? 

Ooh! Ooh! I know! They'll write love songs with each other! :D

Or talk about their tragic pasts :'(

Boy: My Dad got depressed and ate my cat, Mr. Whiskers.
Girl: Aw man, dude, that sucks. My Mom spanked me and I cried.
Boy: That's even worse!

Then they hug and smooch but then the person chasing them finds them!

The evil guy who will have a name soon, I think: What the heck.
Boy and Girl: *blush blush blush*

And then they die.

Eyes can never be allowed to be described normally. There are only "pale orbs of the faintest steely gray" or "languid pools of rich hazel" if people aren't introduced with an eyeball description the size of a full sentence, you're doing it the wrong way.

Dazzling glowing emeralds that shone like stars in the night sky ^_^

His unique pair of ococulus uterque gazed deep within my soul, the twin orbs of crimson and garnet irises a sharp contrast against the the inky pools of his pupils. 

My heart fluttered out of my chest.

"Kiss me," he growls.

Upon kissing each other, both of us became super pregnant.

The End.

You have to write the description of characters like John Green's "Looking for Alaska" did. And by that I mean sexualizing every character beyond the point of coherency.

I'd say my favorite thing to do right now (that gives me a nonsensical amount of satisfaction) is deliberately throwing in pointless inconsistencies. Like, mentioning that something takes half an hour to do and then describing the character spending hours doing it. Or having the character get a huge scar, and then the scar just miraculously disappears in the next scene... It's the small things in life. ^_^

Okay, this is one month late but.... 

Somehow add in cliques to the story. Like the Jocks, Nerds, Theater Kids, Preps, etc. 

This wasn't that far back as far as necroing goes. This might even have been a tolerable post if people were still here to add to what you're saying. But here you are, blithely charging in, saying something that amounts to nothing with barely the suggestion of a joke or complete statement. A whole goddamn tsunami of clown makeup has fallen singularly upon thee.

I've been inspired to write my own shitty vampire story. It's a bit hard to describe, so here it is: 

shitty vampire story

Nope. Sorry. Complete and utter failure. This story isn't nearly shit enough.

Ouch. Well, it's not shitty in the same sense that you were going for, my goal is to basically type whatever and not edit anything. Just a stream of unconnected words. 

Oh, that's okay then... But shouldn't a vampire Bloody Mary have blood in it?

it does

Oh yeah. Missed that the first time somehow. :p

"Avid reader, former literature teacher, currently writer at Eduzaurus and a mom of 2. Take great interest in feminist literature and multiculturalism."

For a "former" literature teacher, she has terrible grammar, and a strange choice in "interesting" literature. The ban seems almost  merciful.

Wonder what's drawing all the feminist bots to the site. Must be all our strong independent women around here.