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Hello

5 years ago

Hey, finally read the newbie message and it recommended I post here. I’ll just say hi! I am here to have some fun and try my hand at a few stories I have bouncing around in my head with no good medium to tell them. I really enjoy story games and have read a few here by EndMaster that I really enjoyed (Eternal and Necromancer). I am just trying this out for fun but like to read and tell stories. If you get a chance to check out any of my writing (not published and barely started so far) please feel free to send me any comments or ideas. I like feedback and will appreciate it since I am so new to this. I want to make stories with multiple paths and outcomes, which is both exciting and overwhelming. My current work already is expected to have 16 endings and I feel like it doesn’t have all of the twists and options I want to add.

Some info about me:

25 male American engineer, married. I like love stories and complicated stories that take unexpected twists with good character development. I like happy endings and often judge stories by how satisfied I am with the ending (still mad about the last 20-30 pages of Eragon).

Hello

5 years ago

Hi and welcome ! Your story starts well, I hope we'll see more of it soon :) (did you let the sneak peek on purpose?)
Oh and bad ending rocks (and i never liked Eragon to begin with)

Hello

5 years ago

Thanks for the feedback and the welcome! I appreciate the positive response, I have been nervous since people don’t usually read my writing... I just write for fun. I plan to work on it a little bit every day so hopefully I can keep progressing the story! I might focus on one story line at a time then add choices later though... bouncing around is hard! 

The sneak peak was an accident at first, but I kept it thinking if anyone wanted to review it that would only help. I didn’t think anyone actually would until I read about this forum though! If you have thoughts or ideas as I go send them to me! I like bouncing ideas off people! Also let me know if you have any storygames I could check out! I haven’t read a ton on here.

And bad endings just leave a bitter taste in my mouth! Haha! Although I was going to try to make some of the endings dark and some positive in my current story... not all the ending will be happy... I hope to make them well done though... 

Hello

5 years ago

I'll look at your story later. First quick glance looks promising. I did read the description, so I just wanted to comment on that. The main thing I wanted to say is not to get hung up on the gender detail of the protagonist. If the ambiguity is what you want to do, then that is fine, but don't feel beholden to what you believe the readers might want to experience.

As I am able to be immersed fully with a female protagonist, so can a female reader with a male protagonist.  First and foremost, focus on the story being told. Develop the characters and the plot. If you present strong writing, none of that other stuff will matter. Your story, your rules. The only obligation you should feel in your art is to yourself.  If you stick to that and put the time and effort in to your work, everything will fall into place. 

Never let yourself be constrained in your expression. 

Hello

5 years ago

Thank you, that is really insightful and helpful advise. I will make sure I tell the story I want to tell and stop worrying about that. I did want anyone to be able to put themselves in my story, but now that you mention it I have read stories about female protagonists and was able to relate and put myself in her shoes even though we are opposite genders... I’ll update the description and keep this in mind!

Hello

5 years ago

So I got a chance to read through what you have so far and took some notes.  First, add a profile picture!  It makes a world of difference.

I'll start by saying that I like the setting, it seems like you've put some focus into developing that setting.  As far as the prologue characters, I would consider naming the other knights that are part of the conversation, even if they only exist in that brief moment.  Unless you are intending for their names to be lost over the ages or otherwise unknown, the status that these knights hold suggests that they should be important enough to at least have names.

One thing that I am always critical of is the perspective.  In the prologue, the tone of the narration is inconsistent.  It is at times conversational, as if it is being narrated by some sort of entity, but it remains detached from any particular point-of-view.  In other words, it seems like someone is retelling the story, but without actually having that 'someone'.  I'd recommend cleaning it up or utilizing a narrator, such as it being told by the professor.  When the reader assumes the role of the protagonist, this isn't an issue, as you are now perceiving the world through his/her eyes and thoughts.

Another thing to look at is your punctuation with quotes.  Here is an example: "I am shouting!" he shouts.   The first letter following the quote is not capitalized because they are part of the same sentence.  "I declare." he declares.  This is incorrect because the period should be replaced with a comma.  Commas are missing throughout, so when you go back through it, be mindful of where you might be missing a pause.  It can have a quantifiable effect on the flow of your prose.  "I am trailing off..." he says, trailing off.  This is also incorrect, because a quotation never begins or ends with an ellipsis, even if something is being omitted.  Also, in literature, avoid double punctuation such as '!!' or '??'.  Refrain from using numerals below 100.  There is an instance of you including a list using '1.' and '2.' to describe something.  This can completely break the immersion if you're not careful.  This goes back to the perspective and tone.

"'Well... err... umm... we agreed[,]' you mumble unconfidently."  This line is valid.  You can leave it as is (with the grammatical correction) and be just fine.  That being said, it's a terrible sentence.  For only one reason.  Unconfidently.  It's really a word.  It's a really ugly word.  Say it aloud.  If you don't vomit uncontrollably, then you are probably normal.  Personally, I think it's one of the worst words in the English language, though.  This is purely my opinion, I just think there are so many words, beautiful words, that are synonymous with unconfidently that could be used.  Even spellchecker doesn't like the word.  Every time I read it, it's like jabbing a pencil into my mind's 'ear'.  As I said, you can leave it, I'm sure nearly everyone does not have a severe aversion to the word.  I just find it to be clunky.  When you read aloud, you can get a sense of the cadence of each line and decide the flow that you need to support the feeling that you are trying to invoke in the reader.

I like the premise of your story and I look forward to seeing more of it.  I think you have a good start and if you stick with it, I could see it turning out well.  This can be a lot to take in right now, but making corrections now and throughout will save a lot of effort and headaches when it comes to proofreading and editing.

Hello

5 years ago

Thank you again! Grammar is a weakness of mine, it always has been. I will look back through today and correct the quotations. I had not read anything out loud or done much proof reading. That comment might save me from having to fix the other 20 or more pages this story is intended to have. I also think that the word “Unconfidently” could just be removed there. It is hard to imagine someone mumbling confidently. I think it is redundant after a second look.

I purposefully  left the characters nameless in the prologue because I dislike making/picking names. This will be fixed eventually, but I wanted to move though it quickly to start the story. I also dislike how I reveal the female knights name at the end after calling her “the female knight” so many times. This will also get fixed. I really like the thought of going back and making sure the prologue is told from the teachers perspective! It was sort of detached and that is the best way I can think of of tying it back into the main story! Regrettably I did not think of that myself, but thank you for the suggestion! You have a good eye for proof reading. I am glad you didn’t read it right away, I realized yesterday that I was switching between present and past tense. That was a nightmare when I read it to myself.

Hello

5 years ago
Haven't had a chance to look at the story yet but it's actually pretty difficult writing a completely ambiguous character, you have to use really awkward language to dance around it and in the end you might wind up just making your character seem kind of generic for all your trouble.

Nobody really gets hung up on gender stuff here and the preference is usually for a strong and well developed character just like in a good book, whatever the author wants them to be. Naming them yourself is fine too for a lot of the same reasons, although there is a (kind of tedious) way to get the editor to let the player pick their own name.

Hello

5 years ago

Yeah I am already seeing that not having a name makes it tricky. There are a few occasions where I am having to be really creative to get around the main character not having a name. I wanted to have it setup so it was YOU in the story, but maybe I’ll look at naming the main character and letting the ready identify with them like a book. I am a fan of character development so I don’t want any characters to be weak or stagnant. Ideally your choices affect how the main character, and the characters around him develop. That way each unique ending also has unique variations of all the characters. I am not sure I want to do any fancy choose your own name thing in my first story. I am not at expert in using the editor and all the logic yet. I love how easy linking pages is though! This site makes it very easy to write and build choices into your story.

Hello

5 years ago
Good luck!