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Go on a date with Helen Keller call it a blind date

Throw a clock out a window  call it watching time fly.

Put a clock in a corner call it Time out.

Throw some Corn on my knee call it Corny

Get a cheap circumcision from a rabbi, it's called a ripoff

Your jokes are flimsy, and paper-thin. Tearable! Utterly tearable!

They are fowl, and irrelephant.

You.

You!

What do you get when you cross 2 atoms of hydrogen with 2 atoms of oxygen? Hydrogen Peroxide.

btw, it's not funny.

A man walks into a doctor's office. Says, I feel depressed and miserable. Doctor says, I know just what you need, to visit the great clown Pagliacci who's in town. Man says, but doctor... I am Pagliacci.

"Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum... Curtains." ^_^

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

... A fsh.

Throw a clock out the window call it watching time fly.

You already said that. Much fail.

A week after Christmas day a kid is on the sidewalk with his bike. A policeman on a horse approaches the boy and gets his attention. The policeman says, "Hey kid, did Santa Claus get you that bike for Christmas?"  The boy nods and replies, "He sure did."  The policeman begins writing a ticket then hands it to the kid. "Next time, you should tell Santa to put the taillight on," the cop says. As the policeman begins to stroll away on his horse, the kid calls him. "Hey officer, did Santa Claus get you that horse for Christmas?"  The policeman nods and replies, "He sure did."  The boy smiles and says, "Next time, you should tell Santa to put the dick on the bottom of the horse, not the top."

Throw Helen Keller out the window and watch her splat on the pavement.

Am I doing it right?

(That's what she said! OH!)

Put a yards up for sale call it a yard sale

Put glasses on a saw and call it a see saw!

Throw a stick of butter out a window call it a butter fly.

What do you call a whale in the desert? Lost.

I don't get it.

Of course you don't.

Don't worry Frankie, you can always play with the other special kids.

Shut up

Watch frank make jokes, call it torture XD

That's quite frank of you, Bo.

Bo just knocked it out of the park.

Watch bo make jokes on me call it sarcasm

Best joke ever ^_^

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? Cuz they're really good at it!

Frank makes a new account call the account frank2

Hers is another one

Put grandma on speed dial call it instagram

cha-ching boo yah!

Did you just make this thread to share some jokes you heard at school and/or found online, or are you trying to be a professional comedian and are using us as a practice audience?

The first

Well since nobody has said it yet:

Your thread is bad and you should feel bad.

I wanted to but I was in an unusually kind mood. Is something wrong with me? Q~Q 

I called him special, does that count?

I've been doing Stand Up Comedy for over 3 years now. This thread makes my heart sing, some are awful, but still funny. 

nate

I hate bad music, I just had to let that stress off my chest........like breast reduction

I knew it. You're female, right?

Nope, came up with the joke cause girlfriend got breast reduction

It hurts to have large breasts, though. It's like if your dick was freakishly huge and attached to your chest. Gravity would hurt the shit out of it, and you'd proabably want a reduction too...

Y'know, that analogy sounded a helluva lot better in my head...

Still, it's no reason for a frowny face. Now you can go running together without her being uncomfortable or having other dudes stare.

I'll be honest because I don't think any of you know my girlfriend (I hope not) but her large breast is a BIG reason I got with her....what?, I'm a human being.

This bad thread just got worse lol.

Large breast? She only has one!? No wonder she got a reduction...

Still, running is great. You should do it with her now.

Hey, I have a joke. Breasts are like watermelons. There're big, they look delicous, but when you taste them...they really don't have a taste to them.

btw. bad joke.

Watermelons have a taste! They taste like Polysaccharides and plant starch, with a bit of glucose and maybe some chromatin thrown in for good measure. Breasts shouldn't have a taste, unless you're biting into them. In which case, you have a serious problem.

Melons just taste like water to me...eh.

But... Watermelons...

But yeah, going for a run is still good. Perhaps it'll deepen your relationship. Especially if you're running away from a hitman. (Just say the word, Honor. I just got this porcelain knife resharpened, and a slingshot that fires rubber bullets! I can also give you a bunch of stage blood packets, to make it more convincing.)

Nah...she does mma lol. She could honestly f$&# me up if I tried anything,

She'd be too busy pulling the bullet out of your latex shoulder wound as you gave her an emotional and dramatic speech. And then you could start driving to a secluded spot in the country, as people avoiding hitmen usually do, and then be pursued through a special-effects-laden forest by an axe-wielding badass martial artist named Red, until you hide in a meat processing plant, boldly fight Red over a meat grinder, and then win by punching him into the vat. And then I could pretend to be Martin Kennroy, Evil suit-wearer extraordinaire, and explain a long and complex evil plan that you got in the way of, which was why I sent hitmen after you to begin with. And then you can fake-shoot me in the knee, we can have a gunfight, and then I'll grab onto a helicopter ladder and fly away, making a big deal out of pushing a button that activates the  C-4 timers my lackeys put all around the building during the battle, and you can go all Bruce Willis up in that shit and break the door down, taking her out of the building, and then presumably romantically carrying her out, to keep her from dying...

And then instead of exploding, the C-4 containers turn out to be speakers that blare the Trololo song, and you get to be the one who explains that one of your internet friends started trying to fake kill you because you weren't a real fan of her breast reduction, and that perhaps she should go for a run with you sometime, and that she's old... And then you can nurse the kick-related bruises on your dick from within the nearest pub.

OR...I can just go jogging with her

Bah, what good could ever come of that!?

What happened to the other comments?

Berka probably burned them.

Nope, not me.

Oh, hi Berka. Are Udo and Miya feeling praticularly fertile yet?

What do you get when you mix a porcupine and a turtle?

 A slow poke!

(almost anybody could have answered that.)

84 replies doesn't make it awful

Well of course the thread isn't awful now. We helped you out by actually posting better jokes.

It doen't matter now the thread is good now.

What's brown and sticky?

... A stick.

What do you call a red line in the desert?

A red line in the desert

What do you call a fat old lady with warts, saggy boobs and hair growing out of her ears?

... Your mom.

(I made that one up all by myself ^_^ )

An Orthodox priest enters a barber shop. The barber fixes his hair and then the priest goes to pay him then the barber sais

"But you are a man of God, I can't accept this"

The next day the barbers finds 20 euro outside his shop

Then a Catholic priest enters the shop and asks for a haircut. When he goes to pay the barber, the barber refuses saying he can't accept it from a man of God

The next day the barber finds 20 euro outside his shop

Then a rabbi enters the shop and asks for a haircut. The barber once more refuses to get paid saying that even though he is not a Jew he can't take money from a priest

The next day the barber finds 20 rabbis outside his shop

Ha ha,

A catholic and a jew were talking. The catholic was explaining that he would eat at a fancy restaurant every day, and never pay a single cent. 

"But how?" the jew asked. 

"Everyday, I'd come in, and order a lot of food. By the end of the day, the last waiter would come over, and I'd claim that I payed a different waiter." The catholic answers. 

"Let me come to!" the jew then requested.

As such, the jew and the catholic went to the restaurant, and followed the man's idea. And when the final waiter came over, the catholic explained. 

"We both already pained the last waiter." 

But then the Jew chimed in. 

"And we're waiting for our change too!"

3 men are talking, a Greek an Arab and a Jew

The Greek claims that his religion is the true one cause while sailing a thunder storm happened and after praying to Jesus all around him there was a storm but where he was it was calm

Then the Arab goes on to tell a story of how there was a sandstorm but after playing to Allah all around him there was a sandstorm but where he was it was calm

Then the Jew says that it was the Sabbath and after leaving the synagogue he met a beautiful woman tourist and then the miracle happened: all around him was the Sabbath and where he was fucking it was Sunday

A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar. The Jews says "Nope, I'm not gonna say the punch line until you give me all your money!"

(Made that one up too... Because he's a Jew... And Jews like money. Get it? It's funny! )

 We're always so hilarious up to the point when someone actually asks us to tell a joke...

A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar...

Then the Muslim screams "ALLAHU AKBAR!" and blows everything up.

A Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim walk into a bar. The Christian takes out his AR-15 and shoots them.

And then he shoots everyone else in the bar, because it's a gay bar.

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim walk into a bar.

None of them are religious so they get along fine.

Then how can they identify as a Jew, a Christian or a Muslim?

Plenty of non-practicing Christians, Muslims, and Jews :P

So if you never practice your religion, how will you be ready for the test?

You get expelled. The big man's really strict and stuff.

While we're talking about priests I thought I'd add my own.

A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest are in an airplane filled with children. They are talking to each other when suddenly there is an explosion and the plane begins to take a nose dive. The teacher screams, "We need to save the children!"  The lawyer pulls the teacher to him and yells, "Are you kidding?! Screw the children!"  The priest looks at the lawyer and asks, "Is there enough time?"

Tan told it wrong, it was supposed to go something like "They were at a religious tolerance meeting and they got along fine."

What did the little amputee boy get for Christmas?

Cancer.

*rimshot*

MOM: Damn it, your sister is on the rag again isn't she?

SON: Well yeah, but how did you know?

MOM: Because your dick tastes like fucking blood!

*rimshot*

What's the best thing about fucking 29 year olds?

There's 20 of them.

*rimshot*

What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?

An erection.

*rimshot*

I'll be here all week folks.

Heheh... Blenders...

I wanna hear Endmaster tell The Aristocrats 

I think Bob Saget tells the best version, or maybe Gilbert Godfrey. 

nate

I think Bob's version was funnier, but Gilbert told it a little better since Bob couldn't help but crack up at his own joke on occasion, plus Gilbert manage to win back a booing crowd with the joke.

I think The Aristocrats joke works better when you're telling it in person though since you can directly interact with the audience while you're telling it, make gestures and verbal emphasis on certain parts that often make it funnier.

very true End. very well said. 

nate

A French guy is on a ship drinking whine when suddenly he drops a full bottle into the ocean. The German asks him why he did that and the French dude says that he did cause they have plenty back home. Then the German guy influenced by the French man starts throwing euro off the ship, other passengers ask him why he did that and he says he did it cause there are plenty back in Deutschland. Then the Greek starts throwing off the Albos

They have more than a plentiful amount of "Whine" in France.

I was outwitted by a penguin...

What's the fastest thing in the world? An Albanian with your TV?

What is even faster than an Albanian with your TV? An Albanian with your DVD player

Why are suicide bombers so bad? The instructor only showed them once

An Albanian, a Pakistani and a Gypsy are in a car. Who drives? The police

Why do Jews get circumcised? Jew bitches can't resist anything that's 10% off

Not exactly a joke but hilarious nonetheless

http://imgur.com/a/H3zux

...are these Lil Wayne jokes? In that case, I got a few...pretty sure you guys heard these before, though...

Take a picture of a spider, call it WEBCAM.

Cross the street with my Jays, call it JAYWALKING.

Spilled hot tea on my leg, call it T-PAIN.

Get hit in the knee with an iron bar, call it IRONY.

Batman skipped church on sunday, call it CHRISTIAN BALE.

That's all I got.

My grandpa used to tell a lot of jokes from his old country:

One day, man hear a knock on door, man say "Who is?"

"Is Free Potato man, here to give free potato"

Man is very excite and open door. Is not potato man, is secret police.

Latvian woman is give birth to baby, doctor say

"I have good news and the bad news."

"What is bad news." Asks Latvian woman.

"Bad news," Doctor say, "Is baby deformed, head look like potato."

"What is good news?"

"Good news is put baby in boiling water, family not hungry for two days."

Woman say to horny man, "I give you daughter for two vodkas."

Man say "Okay."

Man is surprise because daughter deformed of malnutrition.

Man rub lamp and appear genie. "What is first wish" Say genie.

"Potato" Man say.

*POOF!*

"Oh my god!" Say man, "Cannot believe is actually potato! Is amazing! Potato! Potato!"

"What second wish is" Say genie

"I wish you go away so I can enjoy potato."

*POOF*

Too bad. Also, was only lamp.

Haha, Grandpa was such a funny guy!

Hahahaa...ahah..ha.......ha....

Your Grandfather does seem to be fond of potatoes. Funny enough, my friends and i where arguing over potatoes at lunch (actually over asexuality; it's male, female or potato, but whatever)

My grandpa never says funny stuff like that. He says jokes like "What do you call a bunch of mexicans in a line? a spicket fence!" and we all shake our heads cuz it's pretty awful 

Oooh! i got one though!

I you spin a Chinese guy on his head, is he disoriented?

Ahahaha, yeah, because he's dizzy!

Man not see neighbor for many days, he come to house to see how is. Neighbor is dead of frozen, man happy because family eat for weeks. Is cold.

So man and mule walk into bar. Bartender say, "Why long face."

"Am sad for daughter, she has lie with soldier many times for potato feed baby."

Daughter of man say "I wish could go to America!"

Father say, "I send to America!"

Daughter say, "Oh thank father so much, dream is fulfilled!"

Daughter is cry tears of happy.

Father use tears to make salt potato.

"I not send to America" says father,

is funny because he say it for more salt on potato.

I don't get why my grandpa never got into standup...

You don't have a grandpa with those jokes do you.

BUT HEY TELL ME MORE

Of course I do, He's the one who sent his daughter to America!

What are one potato say to other potato?

Nothing. Is stupid impossible. Nobody have ever two potato!

One day man have lunch with friend at house. Man say, "How get potato juice? Is much expense!"

Man say, "Is not potato juice, is piss."

Comedian say, "What deal with potato?"

Crowd are not laugh.

Comedian squint into dark to see crowd.

Is no crowd, they die of malnourish.

Man open door outside. Sun is shine, blue is sky, children outside playing with wheel, wife call in children for dinner potato is ready.

Secret police is pull man's head out of water.

Is no sun, no wheel, no family, no potato. Then they kill man.

Man is pray all year for potato. Finally, potato rain from sky!

Everyone dead from potato hit them.

I had no idea that you were the grandson of Reddit

I'm the grandson of Google Images, actually.

Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.

A guy name blue and a girl named blue had a baby.

What did they name it?

................

JESSICA!

One of the darker jokes I've heard:

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

The woman sees the man coming up and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say that will change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."

"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!" she replies.

The man turns and starts walking away.

The woman still facing him says, "Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"

The man turns and smiles. "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!"

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer pain of child birth to the Father. He asks If it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

SHE BANGED THE MILKMAN!

*Clap*

Just one. Remember this.

Oh! I get it now! Thanks Tim, I had actually been pondering this joke for quite some time and I was beginning to get frustrated.

 A man walks into a bar with his friends. The man goes over to the bartender and says ''I'll bet you 100$ that I can pour a drink into this cup while the cup is sliding down the bar and not a drop will land on the bar''. The bartender see's this as a good opportunity to make 100$ so he takes the bet. The bartender slides a cup down the bar and the man pours a drink inside the cup while it's moving, and not a drop lands on the bar. The bartender hands the man 100$. ''That's all of my tip money!'' The bartender tell the man. The man tells the bartender ''okay, I'll bet you 100$ that I can piss inside the cup while it's sliding down the bar and not a drop will land on the bar. The bartender takes the bet, wanting to get his money back. The bartender slides the cup down the bar and the man misses, peeing on the bar. The bartender jumps up and down, happy that  the man lost. The man hands the bartender his 100$ back and walks over to one of his friends. The man's friend hands him 500$. The man tells his friend ''See, I told you I could make the Bartender happy from pissing all over the bar!.

Not bad, Honor ;) hi!

Hey Delta.

What does the Jewish pedophile say?
"Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?" 

XD

A Jew goes up to his father and says,

"Father, can I borrow 50 cents?"

To which the father replies,

"40 cents?! What do you need 30 cents for? 20 cents! Ok, here's 10 cents, now run along."

"Father, can I borrow 5 dollars?"

Racist ones coming up, so if you feel offended, don't highlight the following text :

Black people are like fruit : They both hang from the tree, and are only picked if they're juicy enough.

Beyonce goes to the left 'cause she got no rights.  I know exactly what she means.

Flash mobs in Mexico are a lot more spontaneous than the ones in the US; just throw down a Benjamin and run.

Ever wonder why Mexico sent an older guy for the 2014 Olympics?  That's right, all the young athletes are already in America.  They're not just good skiiers; they're great cross-country runners!

And a longer religious one : 

One day, in a nearby Catholic academy not too far from here, there was a Nun with her third-grade class.  They were having a discussion about what they wanted to be when they grew up.

John said : "I want to be a doctor!"

Peter said : "I want to be a chef!"

Sally said : "I want to be a prostitute!"

The nun gave Sallly a stern look, and barked : "Young miss, you're gonna come to my office after class!  You're in big trouble!"

The rest of the day went by, and Sally finally arrived to the nun's office.

"Now, Sally," the nun inquired, "what did you say you wanted to be when you grow up?"

"A-a prostitute, Sister."

The nun sighed in relief.

"WHEW!  I thought you said you wanted to be a PROTESTANT!"

Well, it's no Aristocrats, but I did win a very minor IS contest with this one:

“Hey watcha doing there?”
“Making a child sex robot.”
“…Wh…Wha…WHAT!?”
“I said I’m making a child sex robot.”
“I know what you said; I’m just trying to figure out why the fuck you’re doing it.”
“One must do what one can.”
“Christ! I never knew you were a pedophile!”
“Huh? No! It’s not for me you fool! It’s for the Japanese.”
“Japanese? But don’t you think they’ve made ideal child sex robots by now?”
“You would think so, but no. I however have managed to perfect what they’ve been trying to work on all these year. Just like we did with their bio-weapons experiments after World War 2! Hah, America rules!”
“Well of course, but do you really think promoting pedophilia is a good thing?”
“What the hell do I give a shit? The major Jap corporations are falling all over themselves trying to outbid each other for my design. I’ll be rich. Besides, it’s not really pedophilia, it’s a goddamn robot.”
“Yeah, but it looks like a child.”
“Yee…ah but it’s a robot.”
“But it looks like a child.”
“But it’s a robot…”
“…”
“Look I don’t have time to debate this with you, I’m on a schedule here, hand me that detachable vibrating pussy over there on the table.”
“This one?”
“No, the other one, and that one is an asshole anyway…shit can’t you tell the difference?”
“Well they look different than the real ones, not to mention they’re on the OUTSIDE of the body… why didn’t you build these into the robot?”
“Cleaning purposes. If you’re fucking this thing a lot, it’s going to get encrusted with dried cum eventually, so I figure it would be easier to clean if you could take it out.”
“I guess that makes sense.”
“Damn right it makes sense…ah snaps in there so perfect that you’d think that it was designed that way…oh wait it was! Okay hand me the asshole.”
“Here…where the fuck did you get the idea to start doing this anyway?”
“Meh, I watched Small Wonder a lot when I was a kid…SHIT!”
“What?”
“The asshole! I made the opening too fucking tight. I can’t fit it in.”
“Tee hee!”
“Shut the fuck up, it’s not funny. I’ll have to complete redo the fucking rectal area. FUCK! The investors will be here tomorrow!”
“Can’t you just loosen that screw?”
“What? That’ll never…yeah…wait, that will work. At least for this demonstration model it will. I can fix it properly later. Thanks man.”
“No problem. So uh… I see you’ve made a little girl model, but what about a little boy model?”
“Little boy model? What kinda faggot are you?”
“I’m not! I was just asking since you know there’s pedos that like little boys too. That’s a whole other customer base.”
“Oh. Yeah, well I thought about that. I drew up some diagrams, and even made a little metallic dick, but I couldn’t get the motors for it working properly so I concentrated on the girl instead. To be quite honest, I felt kinda dirty and creeped out after I did that. Don’t think I’ll be doing it again. Someone else will have to corner that market. I’m not that money hungry.”
“Well I can’t blame you for that…so uh…about the morality of this…”
“What about it?”
“You still don’t think this is really really wrong?”
“Don’t see how getting paid is wrong. If anything I see myself as a humanitarian.”
“What?”
“You heard me. These robots will keep a lot of pedos from molesting real children.”
“…maybe…but maybe it will encourage them to do it all the more…”
“How the fuck is it gonna do that? They’re basically gonna have child like fuck toy 24/7 to do whatever sick shit they want to do it.”
“Yeah, but it’s not the same.”
“Look this pussy might be artificial, but guarantee I made it feel like a real one…”
“No, no, no, I don’t mean that. I mean like does smile and laugh like real child?”
“Of course, I created sub routines for all that.”
“Does it cry and feel pain?”
“Cry? Feel pain? It’s a goddamn robot. It can’t feel pain.”
“Well see there’s your problem. It can’t truly know the anguish of violation when being penetrated for the first time. Or know the confusion of whether it did something wrong or not after the act. Or the misguided trust that it develops through the pedo’s manipulations. All of these things and more, are part of what a child predator gets off on the most. Not just the sex. And I haven’t even mentioned the ones that like to torture or kill. The robot may only be a temporary solution, eventually they’re going to just get frustrated and eventually hurt real kids again.”
“…Hmmm…you seem to know a lot about this, something you wanna tell me?”
“Ha ha, don’t worry. I had an uncle in the sex crime department and he used to go on about his cases every Thanksgiving. He sure knew how to make us laugh.”
“Oh okay then. I suppose you do make some good points, but this shit’s just about a done deal now, so this is going to happen unless the Japanese decide not to go through with it. Hold on that’s my phone, let me get that.”
“Alright then.”
“Uh huh. Uh huh. WHAT?! But…but…Alright fine. Yeah and fuck you for wasting my goddamn time!”
“Something wrong?”
“Fucking Japs pulled out. One of their shithead citizens apparently got their own model down just they way they wanted, so they aren’t interested in my design anymore. FUCK! I was so close!”
“Oh, sorry to hear that. Can’t you sell it to another company?”
“Maybe…ah fuck it, maybe it’s for the best anyway. Not sure if making child sex robots is a good thing to be known for. I guess all that money just made me go nuts there for awhile.”
“Hey it happens.”
“So…you want to try her out?”
“Sure.”
“I get the pussy!”

(I swear I don't know what the fuck's wrong with us over there sometimes)

B-but there isn't any PAIN or EMOTIONS!

Why did I enjoy reading this?

What is the last thing to go through your mind when your hit in the head by a arrow?

The back of the arrow.