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VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

So, as you may know, I started taking testosterone recently because I sleep like a koala, focus like a goldfish, and fuck like a physics textbook. As you may also know, taking testosterone makes one strongly prone to long posts of nonsensical bullshit. I decided, now that I'm really starting to mentally feel the heat of this little patch on my gums, and since it's been a long time since I made one of these traditional hiatus posts and I've sure as hell gone on a few hiatusses (Hiati?) without making any, that I should review every Zelda Game I've ever played from best to worst in my compromised state and see how hilarious it gets.

The First Game:

Now, I'm a little bit old fashioned. I like soda like it was way back before they had carbonation, because carbonation sucks, I like women chubby and full of sandwiches, just like they did in the 1800s, and I prefer smacking really annoying bastards in the face rather than trying to reason with them, just like they did all the time up until the 80s. However, even though I may be partial to more antiquated ideas, as long as they aren't particularly racist or assholey, I think we can all agree that nothing provides adventure quite like the old Zelda, aside from maybe Dark Souls, but Dark Souls is depressing and it makes me want to hurl sometimes.

Zelda I is pleasantly difficult, and there's cool shit just around every corner. Your items are useful everywhere and in the most unexpected of places as opposed to just the dungeons you found them in, and you have to find out about everything yourself, just like a real adventure. There's not even that much of a plot or motivation or anything, and the graphics are just vague enough that you can really get creative filling in all the blanks. The quest becomes uniquely yours as you play it, and that's something that no game since (Zelda or otherwise) has quite been able to capture.

Majora's Mask:

Everything I like about old games, it's surreal, it's easy to lose yourself in, it's just the right amount of engaging, tantalizing, and infuriating, and Navi has an actual personality, and it's rife with opportunities to traumatize children. It's also the best-written game in the entire series. Not because it's been written by a master or anything, but all the characters have a personality and tangibility to them that makes them especially human. It's one of the few games where I actually want to do mini-quests for something other than the reward. However, the water temple does suck balls, and the part where you have to chase the butler around sucks too. It's almost like they forget how much Link sucks at platforming sometimes. The game can also be fairly linear in the dungeon department as well, which definitely downgrades the exploration aspect, but it's still good.

Legend of Zelda II:

I can't believe, out of all the fucking games, that this is the one people hate. Yeah, there's a lot of cheap tricks thrown in to pad out the length of the game, and yes, it does pull a Castlevania 2 and make you look for obscure-as-shit things with obscure-as-shit clues, but I imagine that's what it would be like if you were an actual adventurer who was going on a legendary quest to save the world when you didn't have fucking gods and fairies and deus ex machinas jumping out in cutscenes at the end of the dungeons in order to tell you where to fucking go all the damn time. This game is realistic, and it's cool, and it truly establishes the fact that Link is a straight-up badass.

Wind Waker:

This game is probably the second best-written game in the series. Of course, that's not saying much, partly because it's not the best-written game in the series, partly because video games as a whole aren't very well written, (not even TLOU!) and partly because I like to spend the majority of Zelda Games making up my own plot as I trollop about the land doing cool shit. However, it does support and encourage adventuring and exploring more than any of the other games, and there's a lot more love and design put into all the random optional dungeons than there are in any of the other games. It definitely doesn't provide me with the same feeling of adventure as some of the earlier games did, being that it's still a linear path of completion and the story still forces you to visit most of the dungeons throughout the game, but it's definitely still awesome.

Four Swords:

You know those charming item puzzles they have in the 2-D zelda games with items and shit? Can you imagine the joy and hilarious frustration that would happen if you did that with multiple people?

That's why this game is awesome as hell. Especially so, since I think this is the one where you can piss off the chickens and then run inside and leave your hombres to deal with that shit.

Twilight Princess:

Better than Ocarina of Time in every way. They even fixed the Navi problem by making her adorable (SPOILERS: and then moderately sexy) and giving her just the right amount of attitude, so everything she says is mildly interesting without getting bitchy. A big upgrade from the first iteration, but there were better ones earlier in the series. I especially like the combat, because that was far more polished and better paced than it's been in any other Zelda, and the ability to shoot bomb arrows, carry up to 180 fucking bombs, and use bombs under fucking water was a definite point of awesomeness.

Ocarina of Time

Exactly TP, from the order and theme of the dungeons, to the customization screen, to the villain. Except it's clunky, slower-paced, and the camera and level design can be an ass sometimes. It's an interesting cinematic experience, and it doesn't shove the plot down your throat as much as Link to the Past, so I guess that makes it better. However, I gotta say, I like the design of the tunics, shields, and swords here way better than the ones you could change around in Twilight Princess, and nothing makes you feel more accomplished than walking around wearing your golden gloves, blue tunic, wingboots, and mirror shield, then showing it off to your friends.

A Link to the Past:

A good game held back by several things: Mainly the melodramatic plot craze of the 1990s, which means the game will shove text down your throat like a 4th grade English Teacher on PCP, and that all the dungeons are supposed to be completed in a specific order, so all the fucking exploration and joy that was in the other games is sucked out of it. Still, it's an okay game, but merely okay.

The gameboy ones:

I didn't have a gameboy when I was a wee lad, and when I did, I used it to play pokemon. I guess these ones were okay. My favorite Mario characters joined the fray as well, (Shy Guy and Chain Chomp) so props to them, I guess. This is the official turning point where I stop praising shit and get really angry, because, surprisingly enough, that hasn't happened already... Brb, I gotta go work myself up into an unhealthy rage.

~INTERMISSION~

The fucking Boat Game:

It sucked. The sailing takes for-fucking ever, there's no exploration, and you can't just wait out the sailing, because there's fucking sharks and shit and you have to keep them from killing you. Fuck that! Stupid fucking Boat Link and his Johnny Depp clone can suck my dick and die in that fucking shark water for all I care! Fuck the hourglass, fuck yourself for even considering playing this game, and fuck anything you happen to be holding in your hands at the moment because it would be kinda funny if you injured your genitals.

The fucking Train Game:

It was so terrible that I didn't even play it, because the demo looked and felt so much like the boat game.

Assward fucking Sword:

Everything the 3D zeldas started doing wrong, except this fucking time Link is a pussy who can't run, jump, or even climb a fucking tree for more than 8 seconds without shitting himself and dying of cardiac arrest, and he fights like someone who just fucking joined the Alcoholic Relapse Committee.

Not only do we get to learn how Link's basic, unrealistic sword fighting techniques are shitty in practical application firsthand, but we also have to fucking aim them by our fucking selves. And it's not like I'm bad at doing that or anything. I'm a professional axe fighter! I know the fucking ins and outs of swinging vertically and horizontally for maximum effect! No, the problem is that the fucking motion controls can't tell the fucking difference between the headlong swing of a Viking with a Fire Hydrant and the forlorn twitching of a man with his arm dislocated and tied to a chandelier behind him.

And despite the fact that Nintendo very well knows at this point that motion controls are fucking shit, and that Link, in his perpetually opiate-induced stupor, may or may not decide to follow your commands without bending over backwards and flopping his sword all over the ground like a fucking toy walrus, they still insist, with their fucking denial, that it be used. This game is precisely what would happen if Nintendo pulled a random, basement-dwelling, asthmatic cosplayer off the street and told him to actually be Link and save the world.

And the writing sucks.

And the art style sucks.

Hyrule-ass Fucking Warriors:

After 3 years on this site, anything with the word "warriors" in the title is cause for suspicion. Especially when it turns out that it's fucking Dynasty Warriors re-skinned. What does that mean? It means you have to suffer through hours and hours of repettitive-ass, sickeningly unrealistic combat mechanics. Now, I'm all for some unrealistic combat. I love piledriving people off of buildings, I love grabbing people with webs and hooks and spinning them over my head like an olympic hammer, and I love buttstomping dinosaurs to death. But there's only one problem when you're fighting an army of un-mutilatable kevlar dolls filled with milk and jello, and that is your fucking inaccurate-as-shit, aggravatingly animu sword-spins and twirls and fancy-ass bullshit loses any impact it might have had, and suddenly you're struggling to break physics and juggle your fucking enemies in the air like tennis balls so you can hit them more times before they die. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF STUPID GAME MECHANIC IS THAT!? I fucking hate combos on enemies that are supposed to be dead! The object of warfare is to be able to rek the most dudes with the least hits! It's not awesome if you have to juggle a million dudes at once for an hour so they'll die properly! It's not badass when you have to smack someone a hundred bajllion fucking times and they're still kicking afterwards! Link's sword is made of fucking rubber! And so are Ganon's once superhuman fists, apparently! AND THE HOOKSHOT ATTACK PULLS DOWN THE MOON FROM MAJORA'S MASK! WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF WITCHCRAFT IS THIS!? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THE OOT-ASS FUCKING HOOKSHOT HAVE TO DO WITH THE FUCKING MOON!? BULLSHIT! FUCKING BULLSHIT! SERIOUSLY! IT'S LIKE THIS GAME WAS MADE BY PEOPLE WHO KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT THE SOURCE MATERIAL, JUST LIKE PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING ELSE PEOPLE MAKE ABOUT EVERYTHING TODAY!

Link's Fucking Crossbow Fucking Training:

Let's start off by saying: What the fuck is this bullshit!? How the fuck did this even get made!? This is some serious fucking bullshit! How!? First, I gotta explain to you what the hell this monstrous shitplosion of a jitstain on the increasingly crusty fabric of Nintendo's reputation is. Link's Goddamn Bastard crossbow-ass Training (LGBT) is a miscarriage-inducing wreck that's a combination of the two worst fucking kinds of games that came with the Wii era:

Monstrosity A: of those fucking disgusting cash-ins on old Nintendo properties that they threw in our fucking faces so we'd give them more money.

Abomination B: a broken, stupid, boring minigame fest meant to half-assedly showcase the shitty motion controls that everyone else was trying to forget the Wii even fucking had.

One of them on their own is worth chucking into a woodchipper on the spot, but both? Simul-fucking-taneously? In a way that breaks canon and core gameplay ridiculously!? It's fucking disgusting and humanity should not have to put up with its disgusting fucking, dried-lube-encrusted, fungus-ridden existence. This game should have been fucking buried with all the copies of E.T. those stupid shitfucks! Does it even explain why the hell Link even has a fucking crossbow!? He's not on a fucking quest or anything, he doesn't fight any world-ending evil. Like, one degraded miniboss from TP shows up and he fucking kills it, but that's about as much fucking story as it gets. Where's the logic!? Why doesn't the bowgun show up anywhere else? BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING BROKEN, STUPID-ASS CONCEPT, THAT'S WHY!

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

That was a fun read.

Also, the fuck does the thread title stand for?

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Video Game Post In A Manner To Which Y'all Are Accustomed.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

How dare you insult Majora's Mask, it is a flawless game in every way! You're just jealous because you don't actually own it! NYEH!

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

He wasn't insulting it, he was criticizing parts of the game that he felt could've been expanded upon. In fact, I greatly agree with him (Especially on that part about the water temple. Place sucks balls in both MM and OoT. It's okay in the remake though).

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

"As you may also know, taking testosterone makes one strongly prone to long posts of nonsensical bullshit."
Wait, how is this any different from usual? So... what you're saying is that you're going to be developing a Zelda game where Link takes steroids and goes on a murderous rampage destroying all the pots in Hyrule?

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
I actually started making far less posts of long, nonsensical bullshit after I got Low T. The last one I remember was several months ago. And, while that game would be awesome, the closest I ever got was writing a fanfic about what happens after the games, where the Original Link, void of all destiny and Gods-guided storylines, becomes a bitter 40-year-old badass who goes from town to town murdering the shit out of bandits or leftover monsters, drinking all the mead, and fucking all the tavern wenches, at the behest of his wife. OoT Link is a spooky ghost, WW Link grows up to be a fish trader (and part-time coffee shop bouncer) Twilight Princess Link gets all depressed because Midna left him with that cold, underdeveloped Princess character they called Zelda and lives a solitary life in the desert herding giant pigs.

Really, though, I'm not making a game, as much as I'd like to. I don't know the first thing about it, I just decided I'd review all the Zelda games because I didn't log on some days, and I usually do this to counterbalance hiatusses.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
I'm not sure if this should make me afraid or happy I don't take testosterone.
I mean, I fuck like a koala.


Fun read. Go T.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

As in rarely, if ever, and then you fall asleep immediately afterwards?

Indeed. Don't worry, though, this is probably completely normal, since I always used to do this. There was just a lull in the action when I had low T.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Yes, yes indeed. Make that never.

It's good that you're back to your usual self.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

An Australian foreign exchange student that I know says they're like lazy squirrels, so I'd imagine they'd bang all the time if they could stay awake long enough.

Oh, yeah, it's good to be back. I feel like Austin Powers, except I actually did need that vial of pink stuff to get my mojo back.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Well, at least they bang. But koalas..not so much. And boring -when it happens- too.

No? No fancy vial? I would have expected that.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

Well, according to wikipedia I was wrong. Koalas are angry little assholes that make horrible noises when they have (usually non-consensual) sex. The dudes are the especially horny ones who will usually attempt to drag the female out of the tree, if needed, and occassionally the male takes breaks in the middle of the fucking to beat the shit out of approaching dude koalas that he believes will also attempt to fuck the koala that he's fucking. They are vigorous, violent little fucks in every sense of the word. You would get arrested for fucking like a koala.

Nope, I had to absorb the hormones of a barbarian that they Aztec-sacrificed to the gods by drinking his blood and praying that it makes me more manly.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Well, god bless Wikipedia for that. In that case, no, my sex drive is about that of a brick, and if I'd ever try tobeat the shot out of a guy for wanting to fuck my guy chances are I'll end up with an amputated arm, three broken noses and domestic castration. Which is why I don't have a boyfriend.

You bet it did. I'm not nearly such a manly man as you are, obvzly.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

Wikipedia says that bricks have a high sex drive, as they are notoriously hard, but their inability to bang anything causes them to shake furiously until they freeze up into a dense, static position called a "wall".

How manly am I? I couldn't hear you over the sound of me knocking a tree down... With my face.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
At least that comes closer to my current situation than the koalas. I'll take it.

I bet your jawline is so sharp you could cut metal with it.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

I think it may be most accurate to assume that you fuck like a sombrero.

AWH! Ah shenk Ah barked mah shaw!...

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Sombreros don't fuck.
100% accurate. *goes cry in fetus position* Now that we've established that, how to get my manliness back


Was that Scottish?

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

Hmm... Just what are you implying?

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Wait, you're Scottish?

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

Er... no. I'm Pennsylvanian.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
So you're Scottish. Oi matey, it 'o be a blimey jolly 'ay 'en!

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

... ......

Aye.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

Ah dunnae wuht yad'hre tuhkin aboat, mae'. Too mehny apustraphes.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
'A' 'e 'ure 'ate? A' 'on't 'ave an' 'postrophes 'eh.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

No. Stop. Bad elision.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
A' 'ou 'ure it ain't 'llipsi' 'en?

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

't's 'lision, bruh, 'nless you're 'liminatin' 'ntire w'rds.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
O' 'ighty 'en mate. 'Ou 'on't 'ound 'Ottish do 'ou?

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

I have the averagest of American accents.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
How boring. American accents are surprisingly funny to listen to. They have this quirky nasal sound no European could even try to imitate.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

Nasal, huh? You mean twang?

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
No. Everything is more nasal. "I keep one around" or "I have one at home". It just resonates through everything. But, yes, twang is the extreme version.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

I'm almost tempted to record these, but I'm too congested.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
I dare you to. Wait, congested?

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

As in my sinuses, so I guess I'm extra nasally.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Yes. Yes, you are extra nasally. Though I couldn't have guessed your sinuses were congested. It just makes you sound a bit more southern than Pennsylvania.

I'm not British or American, so my accent is all over the place.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

If you're talking about that creaky sort of sharpness, I totally got you. Otherwise, no idea.

I'm imagining you use uvular trills for R.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Yes. Yes, exactly that.

I can use alveolar, uvular and velar Rs. In my native language though we use a more guttural sound for the R in general, and it's in fact one of the main differences between dialects here. Either it sounds alveolar like the Spanish, more German, or more French. As I said, strange language. I've been speaking English since I was five however so I assume I've managed to get the vocal sounds right. I just have a very flexible accent. When I listen to a lot of Americans I mimic their accent. When I go to Britain I end up with quite the British accent. I can also use my native set of sounds to speak English- then I sound like I haven't mastered the English sound set yet.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

I want to call it vocal fry, but my linguistic knowledge comes solely from Wikipedia, so...

Oh. "All over the place" in that sense. Yeah; accents can be surprisingly flexible. My mind still can't work out the appropriate way to pronounce "orange". Of course, there also are quite a few people who don't take such care in pronunciation when learning a language; good to see you do.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
I don't think it's vocal fry. That's more of a generalised term and what I mean is specific to the United States and US English.

"Orange". Hmm. To me, that would be purely nasal tones.
Well yes, that happens when you invest your own time in a language and end up learning nothing at school. Don't be fooled, though, I'm not that much of a smartass. And I use all kinds of English mixed. Things like "generalise" or "generalize" and "color" or "colour". I know the difference, just too lazy. XD

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

Just because it's generalized doesn't mean it can't be used specifically. Apparently, the register is "spreading" across the United States. I've noticed in the past that I seem to overuse it.

/ɔɹəndʒ/ sometimes, /ɑɹəndʒ/ others.
Sounds about right. In school, it's easier to just do what they give you rather than go beyond and really learn, but if you do put your own time into it, class ends up boring. (Not to start an argument or anything, but US spellings are waaaaay better :þ)

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Eh, very well. According to several studies vocal fry, as long as it is not overdone, together with the soft south-western American accent (male) is one of the most pleasant accents to listen to. For some or other reason a lot of people just happen to like it.

I'd go with the first one, not sure.
How was I supposed to do that, when I was bored with everything and my primary school only started English at about 8? My current school doesn't even offer the level of English I'm at.

Spellings are useless. I never understood why they are even different in the first place.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

That's interesting to know. I think I can see why.

Well, you weren't. That's the, uh, price you pay?

(Attempts at) spelling reforms, I believe.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Yes. I'm afraid I'm only good at useless facts, sorry.
For being good at English? Gee, thanks. I hope I can go for my CPE exam next year.
Spelling reforms? But.. But why?

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

They're only useless until you find a use for them.

Good luck with that, in the sincerest way possible. Come to think of it, you've probably been speaking English longer than I have.

Way back when, English had far fewer rules about spelling. Without spelling reforms, English would have a much wider variety.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
No, no I probably haven't... Which makes me curious how long you've been speaking English.

I looked it up. Strange spelling reforms. If you say "theatre" instead of "theater" I'm not gonna notice.
(oops. Looks like I forgot about this tread xD didn't show up anywhere in my notifications)

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

I don't know... since I was one...? 1997? I've been under the impression you're at least four years older than me.

I'll notice (and probably make assumptions), but I'm definitely not one of those spelling elitists.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
God dammit BD and 73v. Now I have to go back and read a thread I was actively trying to not read. You've derailed it into something remotely interesting >:(

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Sorry Ford. I can't help that your attention span is so short. You'll get through it.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
I have the attention span of

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

Linguistics can be... /fʌn/?

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Ha, then no. Definitely not xD I'm not going to tell you my age but if we go with your guess and the fact that I learnt English at five then you'd still have been speaking English longer than I have.

Well, no, sure, if you use the ise/ize difference consistently then yes I'll notice, but flipping re? Not so much.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

I am very disheartened at this incorrect guess.

That's odd. I find "er" vs. "re" to be far more glaring than "ize" vs "ise". If someone said "metre", I'd be much more apt to realise they weren't using U.S. spellings.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
What if I said I'm younger than you?

Really? Maybe because I see the "re" thing less often than the "ize" thing.. Which brings me to the fact that I also completely ignore the "traveler/traveller" difference along with other minor spelling changes. But then again I'm not a grammar nazi.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

Then I will have learned a very valuable lesson about reading too deeply into innocuous and more than likely tongue-in-cheek comments.

And again, consonant doubling, for me, is a bigger indicator. I, however, am a big stickler for (my own) grammar.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
It's not entirely your fault. All I'm sayin', there's no way I've been doing English for longer than you have. Just don't call me innocuous, okay?

So you're a grammar nazi.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

Quite literally all I was going on was when you said, "1992. Ah, the memories." Hyperbolically disheartening, isn't it? I'm not referring to you specifically, just statements in general, and, come to think of it, "inconsequential" would have been a better word.

Yes.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Oh, that. That was a tongue-in-cheek statement, because I'm not that old. At all.
Hmm. At least that's better than just bland.

Oh damn.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

I... may have figured that out already.

Is there a problem with that?

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Well, don't be so nosy. And you shouldn't go off on one statement :')

I don't really like grammar nazis.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

Oh geez, I do hope I'm not coming across as nosy. For real, the idea of making that impression bothers me, so I apologize.

...But I haven't done anything stereotypically grammar naziish.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Oh, you apologize? Very well, I just expected you to apologise since you're Scottish and all.

Well. Then I suppose it's okay. I can forgive you.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

Uh huh. ...Let's not start this again.

I'm... glad?

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Sorry lad. It's my fault since I started about my personal life.. I completely messed up your age too. +(´?`)+

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

So for some reason MP3 doesn't like me. I had to change it to WMV to get it to work.

Your voice is kinda amazing....

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
It's hawt.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

Aww, caniuse.com lied to me!

Thank you...

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

The first step in reclaiming your manliness is to stop skipping leg day.

Nope, my jaw was broken, so it made me talk funny.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Right, of course. I never knew.
What's leg day?


Ooohh. I thought you didn't break at all, that's how manly you are.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

It's the day where you work out your legs, buttocks, and crotch. Vigorously.

Pff, who do you think I am!? I'm not that manly... Yet.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
I must definitely stop skipping leg day, then. Anything else?

Well, I thought you were the manliest man around these parts, but I dunno. After all, you hurt your jaw.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

Also, don't skip neck and finger day. It's the most important of all days, including leg day and Chanukwanzmas day.

Have you seen my profile picture? Penguinites are bird-headed creatures, they do not have sharp/angular jawlines to cut metal with!... I mean, I still crushed the car engine in on itself, but it really hurt. My skull isn't as good at handling massive amounts of blunt force as I originally thought. But hey, at least I'm man enough to admit that my jaw broke. Try getting Chuck Norris to admit that kind of thing.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
I have soft baby hands.

Oh really? If I threaten Chuck Norris to cut metal with his jaw line, I'm sure he'll admit that his manly man jaw line isn't made for that.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

Don't let it spread to the rest of you! Hurry! To the neck-pushup machine!

He would try it first, and then get injured, and then try to calmly tell you that his jaw was only broken because physics couldn't handle how awesome he was.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
I have more soft baby things on my body.
I'll see myself out.

Will you stand by my side in this terrible war for manliness?


Well, or that. So you claim physics can explain your lack of and now currently replenishing testosterone?

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

As a person with two PhDs, I can say that's literally the case.

He's usually the first to volunteer for my experiments and all that stuff, too, which may or may not affect the reality rug around him, but I can't actually prove that.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago

A real man does shit on his own, but it might be too late for you to get out of this without help. Hurry, jab this syringe full of Boar Fluids into your leg!

I'd have to say physics probably just did this out of revenge because I've been breaking it for years.

VGPIAMTWYAA

8 years ago
Oh my god, a syringe?! *faints*

Well. There are plenty other ways to feel manly.