It's a writing site for ******* sake, surely stories with plots, named characters and properly presented dialogue is not asking for much, it should be the minimum standard rather than something fan-fic writers, WC fans and the guy who likes Spiderman hope to be able to do one day :D - Will11
Having a comment featured (2 points)
Recommending a comment for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a user's excellent aid in the last six months for points (1 point)
Recommending a tag change for a storygame (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for movement to a different category (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for a change in maturity level or difficulty level (1 point for each)
Recommending a storygame for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing (1 point)
Recommending a comment for deletion (1 point)
So, in other words, if you go, right now, and find 5 storygames which are not properly tagged (there are literally dozens of these out there), then you'll get 5 points.
Catch #1: To get points for recommending something, I have to agree with you. If you recommend a story for featuring and I don't feature it, then you don't get the points. This is to prevent people from gaming the system. Don't worry, for most of the above recommendations, you won't get rejected often if you follow proper procedure. (Except maybe on the "recommending for featuring.")
Catch #2: Newly Created Storygames are not eligible point earners. The original intent of this post was to find things we mods/admins had missed in older games. There is no point in spending our time removing comments, featuring comments, adding/removing tags, changing categories and maturity levels on a storygame that's going to be unpublished a week from now. Not to mention, we will almost always notice issues with newly created games without needing to be notified.
Recommending a comment for featuring:
Reply to THIS thread to THIS post with:
- A hyperlink to the storygame
- The comment that you think deserves featuring (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)
- If there are already 3 featured comments on the storygame, you also have to let me know whose comment you think should be replaced.
- If I agree, you will get 1 point and the person whose comment is featured will get 2 points. If you are reccomending your own comment, then you only get 2 points.
Note: No points are awarded for recommending/featuring comments on games that are soon to be unpublished. It's a waste of time on a story that's going to be removed anyway.
Recommending a comment for deletion:
Reply to THIS thread to THIS post with:
- A hyperlink to the storygame
- The comment that you think deserves deletion (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)
It has to either have spammy punctuation, flame the author, be completely incomprehensible, be a duplicate comment, or not actually be a comment (such as "..." or "poop" or something).
Note: Do not recommend comments on Endmaster, madglee, or Tanstaafl's games for deletion unless they are spammy or deformed. Basically, they like to read their flamers so don't rob them of that.
No points are awarded for recommending comments for deletion on games that are soon to be unpublished. It's a waste of time on a story that's being cleared out anyway.
Recommending a user's aid in the advanced editor (post must be made in the last 6 months)
Reply to THIS thread to THIS post with:
- The user who provided the aid
- A hyperlink to the post where he provided the aid
Recommending a tag change for a storygame
Reply to THIS thread to THIS post with:
- A hyperlink to the storygame
- All of the tags you believe the story should have
Recommending a category change for a storygame
Reply to THIS thread to THIS post with:
- A hyperlink to the storygame
- The category you believe it should be in
- A short explanation of why
Recommending a change in maturity or difficulty level for a storygame
Reply to THIS thread to THIS post with:
- A hyperlink to the storygame
- The change you think should be made
- A short explanation of why
Recommending a storygame for featuring
Recommending a forum thread for deletion
Reply to THIS thread to THIS post with:
- A hyperlink to the thread
- A short rationale for why
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing
Reply to THIS thread to THIS post with:
- A hyperlink to the storygame
- A short explanation of why [specifically, you must describe how it fails to meet minimum site standards]
What qualifies a story as "unfinished?"
1. Specifically stating in the description/text of the game that it is a "demo."
2. Ending abruptly with a notice that it will be continued later.
Games that say they are the first in a series are not automatically considered "unfinished." As long as the game itself is complete, even if the author never returned to write a sequel, it is not up for unpublishing.
If you don't follow protocol, either there will be no negative repercussions, you will be ignored, or I'll take your advice and not reward you with points. Following protocol expedites the process for me so I don't have to spend a lot of time making changes.
To summarize: post here (for the most part) with recommendations for who I should reward / what I should change and I'll reward you with points. Take a second to check the posts above you and see if someone else has already made the recommendation. Remember, newly created Storygames are not eligible for tag/category/comment points.
Are you an Admin now? Cool :D Recommending a comment for deletion btw on the grounds it's not a comment and it's bugging me.
-- jocker9911 on 8/27/2016 6:36:25 AM with a score of 129300
American Outlaws: The James Gang
So fast! I'll try to see how much more stuff I can find for you :D
Agreed. Too many dead pages.
Don't know why they didn't put proper "end story" links rather than just leaving it like that.
End of Times indeed haha! XD
I heard a rumor that those of us he likes will be permitted to die first.
One could only hope! ^v^
Went through all of Iron Panther's story tag suggestions from the last thread, most were accepted, a few weren't.
Anyway you got your points, I'll get around to your comment suggestions later.
EDIT: All of them are finished.
Wow, that last thread hasn't been followed up on in a month? He's probably forgotten about those suggestions by now. But that's a nice little bundle of points.
So many moderations today! Must sleep now to process it all. See you soon humans. Thanks.
The only negative is that this promotion took so long to happen. ^^ Unless you've secretly had these powers for a long time now, and in that case I would totally not be surprised.
LOL, g'night Tay.
So decided to check comments on my games (Yes instead of actually working on them, shhh) and saw two interesting things. 1. both needed new comments recommended. 2. I hate the weighting system - (check out how the ratings fall on apocalypse yesterday to see what I mean lol)
I'm half asleep, so this review might be all over the place:
There were a few errors I noticed right off the bat, like missing punctuation, you used "your" instead of "you're" a lot, and there were some misspelled words. I really like the fact that you have multiple types of zombies in this as that's something I rarely see outside of the occasional creative video game and I enjoy variations like that.
I kind of wish there was more to distinguish this story from the average 'zombie apocalypse' world, though, because it's such an incredibly common concept these days. That's not to say that I didn't like the writing on its own merit, though, I did. You did well. And it's also not to say that I don't like being zombies combined with the apocalypse genre, I mean, my game definitely has a nod to that with the 'vile-kin.'
Over all, good job, man.
-- Kiel_Farren on 3/1/2015 3:40:00 AM
Then rising flames I realized the only featured comment was one from before it was taken down and changed, so here is another one lol
1. Creativity and imagination
3. Death scenes were well done
4. Romance writing
1. Proofreading and grammar was poor
1. Overall formatting
Overall, as is, a rough draft of an excellent story.
-- urnam0 on 7/5/2013 10:56:49 PM
Also add tag: Fantasy
I’ll help you out this time, but next time you need to make with the clicky links to these stories.
The Promise - http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-promise
The amount of pages were slightly shorter than I prefer, but each page was filled to the tip and worth the read. Some details that were given in the beginning weren't very important - but good use of imagery anyways. Improvements may include separating a long page into two pages, more plot and storyline, a greater feel for other characters, and not much else before you're on your way to making an excellent game. I look forward to reading your progress in the future.?-- Ford on 5/10/2014 3:09:27 AM
Three comments for featuring (all of which are from my storygames since I'm too lazy to look in other right now):
1. For Life as a Time Traveler... both of these comments helped improve my writing ability.
I did find the language used this story extremely odd and stilted... I can think of 2 reasons for this -
1) Sometimes when I do lots of paperwork and then try to write creatively the language comes out as a bit formal and official. This might be the case here.
2) English is not your first language and you learned rather formal English.
I did find the story a bit unstructured and oddly unrealistic. The main character was a bit... weird. The odd thing is you have plot events, characters, setting etc but it's a bit like you've put them through a blender and mixed them altogether, not enough to make the story truly random but enough to make it a bit different and more in a disconcerting than entertaining way.
That said you have obviously put a good amount of effort into the story, your writing is error free and spontaneous enough to be interesting in places but this story might require some editing. Also the School genre might not match the tone of this writing, something like Edutainment or Gothic Horror might be more appropriate :)
-- Will11 on 3/23/2016 10:03:35 PM with a score of 0
Adding onto everything Will11 said - this was clearly a game you put plenty of effort into, and while some of the elements did feel a little disjointed, if only because the main character's thoughts and responses didn't seem to fully mesh with the circumstances and situations he was faced with. While that may have been intentional, given the nature of his powers, I wanted to see more of his personality tying the disparate plot elements together instead of being told about who he was.
As for the language sounding a little stilted, I would advise using more contractions. Most people say 'don't' instead of 'do not', for instance, and it will go a long way towards making the writing sound less formal.
-- the_quiller on 3/27/2016 12:15:36 AM with a score of 0
For The Awesume (which still somehow has a 3/8 rating)
Not a bad game but the humor kind of missed the mark for me. I just didn't find the bad grammar gimmick that funny, and since it didn't seem to have any kind of purpose beyond 'be funny for people who think pretend bad grammar is funny' I wound up skimming a lot of it before I got to the end.
The most interesting thing here IMO was the trick played on the reader, but even that almost immediately had me back at eye rolling at 'my incorrect grammar and spelling were specifically used to improve the quality of the story.' It's just like....did that really need to be spelled out? Though I might argue against the 'improving the quality of the story' point.
Again, not that I even disliked the game, but there's a certain risk in writing a story revolving entirely around a certain kind of humor, in that there's nothing left for a reader to engage with when the humor falls flat.
-- mizal on 3/6/2016 7:09:39 PM with a score of 4
Comment for Featuring
Link for U R: A Magician. The Commentor is SummerSparrow.
At first, it was somewhat interesting. The beginning was fine: you presented the character with a problem (the missing wand), and they had to solve it. But after that, it soon became apparent that there was no meaning to the story. I felt that you were only piling random events on top of each other, and it would have been better if you created an actual plot. Your writing could also use some work. More detailed scenes would be better. As for your grammar, it was okay. There were some errors here and there, and there were some parts where you failed to correctly use punctuation. As for the demerits, I couldn't see how they affected the story or whether they were truly necessary.
-- SummerSparrow on 5/2/2016 2:52:48 PM with a score of 0
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing:
The author even states in the story's description that the vast majority of people would basically find it incomprehensible. Also, it pretty much hits the criteria and the comments seem to be full of nothing but mass confusion from the readers, similar to the confusion that's usually present in the comments of a storygame that will not see the end of it's first published day.
The only link of escape seems to be angering the gods that free you from the endless clicking of links that are almost maze-like in nature, so it's really more of a blessing for the player. Even when I saw that I could rate it for the free point, I honestly was just far too mentally taxed to even want the point. lel
I think I may need to lie down now. x-x
Yeah, it's pretty nonsensical. Been here almost a year and only has a rating of 2 with 35 ratings. Unpublished.
I think I will be able to sleep well tonight now.
Recommending comments for deletion in:
A Jail Cell
"Oh My Gosh! This Is For Boys, Not Us Pretts Pinkalicious Girls! But I Still <3 It! It Was A Very Nice Layout For A First Story! :3 Okai, I Got To Go! Oh And I Escaped Yay! :3 Y'all!"
-- Xxx <3 Chelsea! <3 xxX on 9/5/2016 12:36:09 PM
I-I'm not sure if this person is trolling or not in all honesty. Between the capitalizing of the beginning of every word and just well, everything else. Does this count as incomprehensible in some grounds, I certainly couldn't comprehend it myself. :P
"I died its bad"
-- Xxxtaylorxxx on 9/5/2016 12:33:29 PM
If not the first, does this count in your criteria then?
Yeah, both of those can go.
Yet more comments for deletion in:
Pokemon Adventure: The Story of Ash Ketchum (Part 1)
I don't think these need any explanation. I should probably move on to other things besides pointing out things to delete, either by tomorrow or later tonight, I don't want to overwork you or anything, or is it fun for you to flex your new powers a bit? xD
-- George Franklin on 1/9/2015 6:42:57 AM with a score of 0
(Not sure if I'm doing the entire asterisk thing right, sorry.)
-- lilacwaffls on 12/21/2014 7:09:08 PM with a score of 0
It's a lot better than fixing formatting fuck ups.
Same game as thara pointed out. This is completely pointless as a comment :\
-- lightsong on 9/26/2015 11:34:55 AM with a score of 0
I suppose that counts..? I usually go for the comments that lack any sort of well, anything. Or if it's nonsensical, bashing the game, or not referencing the story at all. Basically, something that cannot even be described as an actual review or criticism.
Nah, I'll leave that one.
I wasn't sure about that one either in all honesty, I mean it's something positive at least :P It wasn't like the ones I see with "u suck" x-x
Well then, it'll be a pleasure to be working with you then :D
(Darn it, King! :P Just kidding... argh, now my reply towards End is all weirdly placed in the conversation now.)
You win this time Pokemon lobster thing.
XD "Pokemon lobster thing"
Recommending storygames for tagging:
I believe it needs the horror tag.
2. A Magical Tale
3. The Arrival
Animal perspective? I don't think the characters are human.
Comments for deletion (again):
-- Hazzy on 9/1/2016 12:19:38 AM with a score of 0
-- gg on 7/18/2016 6:56:13 PM with a score of 0
6. "THIS IS WERID"
-- KillThemAll on 3/9/2016 10:33:57 PM with a score of 0
7. Oh, and also romance tag?
Where the HELL am I??? : Chapter Three
-- Anime_Fan on 2/20/2015 1:40:51 PM
9. Horror tag as well for this one?
The Quick Dating Game
-- magic land on 7/19/2016 12:11:44 PM with a score of 0
Recommending comments for featuring in:
11. "It was alright. I agree with the others, the story would've been a lot better if it was fleshed out more before publishing. Don't worry, practice makes perfect.
What I'd like to address are the characters. To put it simply, they're kind of boring. They're undeveloped. After I finished reading, I couldn't really see these guys as characters. Just...protagonist, antagonist, and love interest.
What really grinds my gears is Rayden. Why is Rayden the antagonist? The story puts it simply: because he is evil. Okay...so why is he evil? This is where I have no clue. Is he evil because he attacked the reader? Well, according to his backstory, the reader was attacked because he didn't agree with the others (which makes me think that the protagonist was kind of an ***hole to them) so they attacked him. Okay, if that's not it, is Rayden evil because he found the forge? C'mon! The guy just wanted to make some money! How is he evil? Because he's strong?? Because he doesn't want the protagonist to steal the treasure that he discovered first?? Because literally every adjective used to describe Rayden is "evil"??? I really don't know!
Now, the protagonist. He had more development than the others due to being the main character. The reader gets to see his thought process (more like, choose it) so it makes it easier to connect with these kinds of characters. However, the protagonist seemed more like an antagonist to me in all honesty. He obviously did /something/ to piss off his old friends enough to stab him. It was never clarified what he did other than "disagreed." Than he meticulously tracks down his old crew in order to either snatch the treasure they were (probably) spending a large amount of time & effort on finding, or killing them. That's...gosh! Not to mention the protagonist's obsession with Rayden? He clearly thinks Rayden is evil for some reason but with how the story is presented, Rayden didn't really do much to be called evil. If he did, than wouldn't the rest of his crew be evil as well? Why was the protagonist hanging out with them in the first place?
Before I move onto Leah, I'd like to address that if you're going to mention a character who never appears in the actual story (ex: Leah's brother, thanks for the pants!) please at least have some other characters talk about them during some point in the story. You did a okay job with Rayden's nameless crew but I would've liked to know more about them. Why did they suddenly disappear at the end, when Rayden entered the forge alone? Did he kill them? Did they leave?
Okay, so Leah was a love interest but it would've been nice if you could give the reader an option with that. Their romantic development was really sudden. There wasn't much concept of time after protag woke up in Leah's house so we don't really know how much time they spent together. To me, it felt like two days. They seemed more focused on finding Rayden/the treasure than on each other during the journey, too. It was just a bit awkward. Why does Protag like her? Why does Leah like him? As far as I know, this wasn't addressed. It might've been better to leave romance out of this story since was obviously more focused on the adventure & action aspects, and leave the rest up to the reader's imagination.
Besides that, it was cool knowing that Leah knew her way with medicine. I felt like you should elaborate with that more! If she knew her way with herbs & plants, she must've been familiar with the region. She could've had a really keen eye for tracking and helped you find Rayden's crew, or even got you to the forge BEFORE they got there. How cool would that have been? She didn't really have much of a personality other than...girl. It was the same with Rayden, too.
No worries, though! Keep writing, man. That ending battle scene was epic and I loved it. Just keep working at it."
-- Raptor on 6/13/2016 8:52:02 PM
12. "I've only gone through one path so far, but this is surprisingly good. It's been a little while since we had a story with some substance to it posted.
The technical aspects were all good, except for some punctuation errors with the dialogue. You ended almost all of it with commas. That should only be the case when there's a tag afterward like "Hello," she said. If there's no tag, just use a period.
One small issue with the pacing was that I thought the whole relationship aspect came out of nowhere. Leah and the protagonist knew each other...a few hours maybe? And he was unconscious for part of that time. It seems really strange she was tearfully telling a guy she knew nothing about she 'thought he was better than that'...but not as strange as him thinking of some girl he'd barely met and the 'life he could've had with her' as he died.
Also, I wasn't clear on what time period this was supposed to be set in? Altars and treasure hunting, no mention of vehicles and no thought of going to a doctor or the police made me think it might have been in western days, yet the way they spoke 'wow' and 'screw that guy' and so on seemed far too modern.
Still, nitpicking aside, this was enjoyable and I look forward to seeing more stories from you. I'll have a go at some of the other paths later as well, my phone isn't really ideal for this."
-- mizal on 5/24/2016 11:27:47 PM
13. S-serious tag..?
More comments for deletion (final battle against sleep deprivation):
Weirdos from Another Planet!
14. "This is so dumb........nuff said"
-- DarthNelly on 4/16/2013 2:39:27 PM
-- dragon396 on 8/5/2015 3:17:42 PM
Everything except DarthNelly.
Understandable. Well then, I recommend tagging the three other games in MultipleMinds, WTHAI series as horror since it would be a bit weird if only one was tagged under horror.
Do you possibly want me to link you to the other three or is the link to his profile enough for you? :D
Edit: I'll just link it here to save you some time, I'm aware that you have even more responsibilities and such.
Ah, it sure felt good to do some contributing towards the overall quality of the site :3 I think I'm going to be able to close my eyes with an even clearer conscience tonight.
Storygames for recommendations of tagging:
1. Years Gone By
I didn't find this to be all that scary but the ending definitely gets a bit spooky and supernatural in the end, even so however, it was more sad than anything else.
So maybe Drama & Horror tags?
2. The Search For The Craxil
Recommending maturity change in:
3. Island Adventure
Maturity change to 2.
Another storygame for tagging in:
Drama tag :l
Recommending comment for deletion in:
5. Will The Real J. Jonah Jameson Please Step Forward?
-- Kate on 5/21/2016 5:43:43 PM with a score of 0
6/7. Chess Master Stan!
-- foil7 on 1/6/2015 8:10:21 PM with a score of 0
"... i don't even know what to say."
-- ... on 6/25/2015 8:08:11 PM with a score of 0
8/9. A Day in Your Room
"This was stupid."
-- Nicole on 2/17/2016 7:22:40 PM
"Bad game don't play this at all"
-- James on 2/5/2016 9:42:42 AM
A storygame for tagging in: Fantasy.
10. The Mystic Kingdom
This isn't finished. It has many unfinished pages. It needs to be deleted.
I just realized that if you end (ha!) up agreeing with all of my recommendations, then that would be ten points and I'd end up with six hundred and sixty-six points then. b:
Edit: Only temporarily, of course.
Well you got most of them. Not quite Satan yet.
Recommendations on comments for deletion:
-- omgitschowhall on 6/30/2016 4:01:58 PM with a score of 0
On a unrelated note: I wondered why this username seemed dreadfully familiar, it then hit me that this guy was the one who posted long Wikipedia articles in threads in an effort to break them and also necro'd threads, I believe before his banning.
"Yay I won."
-- Kate on 7/23/2016 1:33:14 PM with a score of 0
Reason: Duplicate comment.
Recommendation on storygame for tagging in:
3. Ghost Town
Recommending a featured comment.
Not bad but just...meh. It was a very good first try I think, and it certainly is better than a lot of the stuff posted on this site, but it was nothing remarkable. It was also littered with grammatical errors which was a bit of a nuisance at times. Overall I think the characters were developed ok for the amount of time allotted (I'm not sure if it was just my path but I don't think this should be 6/8 length) and the concept isn't too bad either.
P.S. I received the 'Friends Club' epilogue
-- HJPike on 12/1/2015 2:06:46 AM
Aww, didn't like my comment? :c
Prefered if you would have smacked he Around a bit with the 4/8 quality game it was.
Now, now, I simply adored it way too much :3 There's a reason why I suggested your game in the Underplayed Storygames thread. Some part of me feels like it didn't get enough recognition actually.
Thara is now Satan.
At least until I go snooping around for more things to bring to your attention :6
Recommending storygame for unpublishing:
1. the late republic part one
Reasoning: The title alone should meet the criteria. Okay, I'm kidding but it is rated 2/8 and it seems capital words of any kind was a forgotten practice.
Recommending storygame for tagging:
2. Curse of the De'mier (Part 1)
Horror tag. If you could fit another tag in it that is :P
3. AI Nightmare
Science Fiction & Advanced Editor should fit the bill.
4/5. Comments for featuring in the above game:
"This was a fun blend between a sci fi adventure, a resource management game, and a series of classic riddles. The writing is excellent - there's a straightforward and concise premise that is well-executed; I really got the sense that my player character was exactly how she was described: competent, resourceful, and very badass. The limited bullets and health was just enough to make me stop and mull over my options during each combat sequence, but just simple enough that it never got in the way of playing the game or enjoying the story.
I almost wish the game was longer because I had a lot of fun playing it, but then again, the story wraps itself up neatly in a fitting conclusion. I'd be thrilled to see a sequel, or any other game from this author, because they clearly have a strong grasp on spelling, grammar, and compelling narrative."
-- the_quiller on 3/15/2016 6:03:50 PM with a score of 0
"This was rather good for a first storygame. Although an AI going insane and taking over isn't an entirely original idea, I found the story to be creative and fun. I enjoyed finding ways to eliminate the cyborgs without harming my health while keeping an eye on my supplies at the same time. It was nice that I had the option to stab the enemies rather than waste my bullets. I also adored the riddles, as they were fun, little puzzles to figure out. The writing style was pretty good. I wish that the scenes had been a bit more detailed and fleshed out because I sometimes felt distant and detached from the story, but it wasn't a big deal. The grammar was great - I didn't catch many typos, which is an excellent accomplishment. As for the characters, I understand that since this game is short and mostly focused on surviving, there isn't much time for character development or focuses on personalities. While I admit it would've been fun to get to know my teammates a bit more, not really knowing them didn't ruin the story.
Overall, this game was enjoyable, and I'm glad that I played it. The plot and writing were nice, although I wish that the scenes had been a bit more detailed. You did an excellent job for your first game, and I hope to see more of your work on here."
-- SummerSparrow on 4/12/2016 1:22:53 PM with a score of 0
Recommending comment for deletion:
7. Personal Demons
-- fuck on 6/6/2016 1:33:06 PM
8. Day of the Dog
9. Flight of the boobook owl
Geared for Children & Animal Perspective
10. My Sweet Anna
Romance & Drama tags.
11. Lets go to the mall
Recommending Storygame for Unpublishing:
Reasoning: "After receiving at least 7 ratings and being published for at least 1 week, the storygame is rated 2/8 and its length is 1/8"
Seems to hit that criteria.
-- shit on 12/3/2014 8:39:47 AM
14/15/16. This Fate
"Well the lack of speech marks was a constant annoyance and I would've preferred to see more choices instead of page after page with only one link, but that out of the way, I really enjoyed it.
You're not the best writer as far as grammar and punctuation are concerned, but you definitely know how to draw people in and get them to care about the fate of the characters, which is a way more important skill. I really felt the protagonist's desperation from the start and that really set the tone of the game for me.
I guess the biggest downfall is that I never really picked up on why this particular girl was so important. I get that they were childhood friends and all, but I never saw what was so special about her that her life was worth more than the lives of everybody else in the village combined, including his family. That said, she was a very interesting character that I did want to see survive.
All in all, a very good game but please, please, please use quotation marks next time."
-- Briar_Rose on 2/6/2016 6:34:57 AM
"I just realized I never commented here.
SoSaidL, I absolutely adored this. Stories in the 'love & dating' genre don't usually do much for me but throw in some tragedy and time loops and an oppressive empire and apparently things change. :P
The way everything kept intertwining and the sense of growing futility there were an excellent uses of the medium, I feel like the whole concept of time loops just works so well with a CYOA and I've so rarely seen it done.
I'm actually going to disagree with Bucky here because I feel like we got to know exactly enough about the characters. The main character in particular is singleminded and devoted enough that it doesn't take long to get in his head and believe what he believes, that they're locked into this by fate and the girl is the only thing that matters.
On the path I started out with, enough was seen about how she was originally to make the changes that started effecting her intriguing, especially the way it tied in to what had to happen to save her. I'm trying to remember if I've seen something like that kind of gradual, subconscious effect in a time travel story like this before, but I'm drawing a blank.
The one thing I thought maybe should have been explored even if it just turned out to be another dead end, was the idea that maybe the time loops were meant to save /him/. After repeatedly trying and failing to save her, it seems like there would be a point where he at least attempted to change things by just leaving town a week in advance, if only to see if everything would reset if he wasn't even around when she died.
A little more thought put into the fates of his family would have been realistic too seeing how he had to live with them knowing they would die too just as many times, but I do get that would take the focus off the two of them.
Anyway, thoroughly enjoyed this. :) I got several Coda endings but the Rebel Warrior was the only epilogue. I guess there's two more, but I didn't get the sense any of them would be legitimately happy endings. (Even this one, it's kind of sad thinking of how he basically had to make her into a completely different person to save her, and I don't have the highest hopes for the future of that setting when the winning side has arguably become just as bad as their enemies...)
Is the other story you're working on in the same setting? From the blurb it looks like it may be from the other side's POV, so, should be interesting. :D"
-- mizal on 2/12/2016 3:26:15 PM
"I thoroughly enjoyed reading through several different endings, and I will be definitely be replaying this to find them all. You had me at 'time travel', but the entire dystopian setting and the feeling of inevitable tragedy were what really reeled me in.
I actually really liked that our characters were nameless and faceless, because I thought the anonymity really helped reinforce the feeling of what the timelines were doing to the protagonist's mind. Everything except the mission to save the girl stopped mattering.
Granted, the quality of the writing did fluctuate from time to time, and there are some little nitpicks with grammar, spelling, and formatting here and there, but overall, the narration has an almost dream-like quality that makes it easier to overlook them.
All in all, engaging characters, fantastic setting, excellent use of plot device, and overall great work. This is one of the few Love & Dating games I will probably come back to replay."
-- the_quiller on 2/28/2016 12:05:26 AM
Recommending Storygame for tagging in:
17. Dead Space
Science Fiction tag.
Recommending comment for deletion in:
18. The League of Legends
-- D on 3/21/2016 9:50:12 PM
Recommending Storygame for unpublishing:
19. The Undead Rising
Reasoning: Apparently plagiarized from another site? Not quite sure on the matter but if is not, please disregard this recommendation.
Recommending storygame for category change:
20. Escape (Strategy)
Reasoning: My recommendation is for the mystery/puzzle section because the games seems to be all about a maze of some sort. Not very story-driven, imo. I think it'll be a good fit there but maybe I'm wrong on the matter and if I am, please disregard my suggestion.
Recommending comment for featuring in:
21. Different Universe
"I do not have the pleasure of reading stories such as these on a frequent basis, so really appreciate the rare "rough-diamonds" that pop up on the site every now and then.
I shall address your primary concern later on in this post, because it turned out to be a relatively minor aspect of your story overall. But for now, I shall type/write/mention your plot and writing style. The primer is fairly simple and rather cliche, but executed fairly well. The writing leaves the viewer to be interested as to how the story will be told, even if they know the general direction of the plot.
The story also presents an ample amount of choices to coincide with the reader's experience, and "dead ends" are not neglected. Choices were made to be logical/within the bounds of reason (even if there is magic and a medieval setting), so as to prevent most if not all ridiculous "logic jumps."
Now, for your grammar/punctuation. For the most part, it was solid. The first part of the previous sentence is important, because there were either occasional errors that were either minor or fairly noticeable (and jarring in some cases, especially with the excellent execution of writing often present on the same page), or mistakes that could not be ignored because they occurred on every page. I shall refrain from posting every single mistake and writer guideline here, because your grammar and punctuation are solid enough to warrant otherwise. What I shall make notice of however, are the following:
-Avoid awkward phrasings, since they occurred every so often, and gave an issue or two with punctuation
-Remember the differences between "your" and "you're" (a minor slip in one place I believe, but be careful)
-Most importantly, your use of quotations was incorrect most of the time. If you have someone engaging in dialogue, then make sure to write/type it like this:
"That was great!" she said while giving me a thumbs-up. "You can probably do stand-up."
"I don't think so," I whispered with a gloomy expression.
(See how I didn't capitalize the 'she' after the exclamation, as well as how I used the commas and periods? When you have sentences set up like that, make sure to set them up in a similar manner.)
Overall, your story tells me that you have potential as a writer. It is very good for a first attempt, but it still has some rough edges, as all literary works have in the beginning. If you continue to write and take constructive criticism, most of the mistakes I mentioned will be less prevalent or go away completely.
Good job. 4.5/8, which rounds up to a 5/8."
-- LeoScales7 on 4/13/2015 7:57:44 PM
22. Escaping Dystopia
It almost feels like im your assistant at this point. Well, not that I mind the feeling, because it is quite a nice feeling in all honesty :D
It's quite interesting for me to find things that may slip past the radar sometimes, or to find reviews that are both well thought out and written, all of is fascinating/fun.
Among many other things, of course.
Don't have time to look it up right now, but if anyone can confirm that the "The Undead Rising" story is plagiarized, they'll get a bounty. First come first serve. (Thara will still get 1 point for the tip off)
All the rest of these suggestions are done.
EDIT: Bounty claimed, plagiarist punished. More potential punishment yet to be determined, stay tuned!
Was it actually confimed that it was stolen and not just reuploaded by the writer?
If you look at his other stories, I don't believe there is any possible way he could have written that.
Oh yes, you're right.
Found what is clearly a fanfiction in the Sci-Fi category. Even the author says "In this Chapter of my fallout storygame series..." and named it "Fallout Chapter 1: The Vault". I'm actually surprised that it has been missed. I'd prefer to unpublish it it, but it barely makes the cut. Here's the link.
I'll go knock it down :P
Edit: And it seems I already gave it a 1/8.
I already unpublished it.
Welp, seems I wasn't needed then xD
I just noticed I skipped six and went straight into seven in my suggestions post...
I am ashamed x:
Some featured comments to consider.
1. Find a Date Before it's too Late - Featured comment
There are three things I think you can improve on for this story.
1. The descriptions. Every page could use a bit more descriptive to get readers to stick around.
2. The choices. Most of the time there are no choices. Some of the choices are just so obvious. For example: Do you read the sticky note or do you ignore the sticky note? Well of course you read the sticky note! The other choices don't matter as they lead to the same page.
3. I suggest you don't use advanced editor. You didn't need it at all.
Overall, I rate this a 3/8
-- AthenaT on 6/10/2015 12:26:34 AM with a score of 0
2. Inferno quest series: #1The Burning adventure - Featured comment
Note: The image usage is a bit obnoxious on the front page of this story. Is there any way to modify that?
I'm a great believer in the ideas of a story taking being more important than the writing itself (look at any of EndMaster's stories; there are a lot of typos), but even I couldn't rate this storygame any higher than 1/8 purely because of the utterly atrocious writing. It's to the point of being slightly over borderline unreadable, as in it does just about fall into the category of being literally unreadable. This storygame was so full of writing errors that I couldn't make sense of most of it, or if I attempted to I probably would have lost a lot of time and my grip on sanity. The entire thing was laden with spelling mistakes for simple words; run-on sentences; arbitrary capitalisation or lack of; sporadic punctuation; and sentences stuck together for no apparent reason. How someone can write quite this terribly is beyond me, because when I do freewriting at a fast pace it still has much better spelling and grammar than this. And this is coming from someone who has read CYS Warrior Cats fanfics.
Your use of the CYS editor left a lot to be desired too. As far as I could tell there was a link that allowed you to give someone a drink... by taking the reader to the same page. So I could just be sat there giving her a drink over and over again, and it would never have any effect whatsoever? Come on now, that's just lazy. At least have it go to a new page with a "go back" link.
What was with that maze? I had trouble enough with trying to decipher the rest of the storygame, so what made you think I could manage a maze as well? At least another infamous CYS maze (which admittedly was worse, but still) gave you some clues and indications as to which way to go. Or maybe you did and I just didn't see it because I could barely read the damn thing.
It really is a shame that your writing and CYS editor use is this bad when you actually have some very good ideas. A glass dragon? Six-armed trolls? A whole party of dragons to fight a demon overlord with? Great, just sort out your writing and we're good.
I would recommend this storygame for unpublishing but I honestly cannot make sense of it enough to tell if the plot is poor enough to warrant this. Maybe I'll go suggest that storygames with grammar and style poor enough should get deleted just for that.
-- 31TeV on 6/1/2015 12:27:05 PM with a score of 1021195700
3. Rise of Vollund - Featured comment
It was a fun idea for a game, but it seemed like you were just making it up as you went along than carefully planning the game and all the routes you can take. I think a story like this really needs the advanced editor to work. In an online story game, you shouldn't really need to keep a note of the items in your inventory when you could just, you know... have an inventory. Plus right at the beginning, there was a bit where it said "If you crawl through, go to the next paragraph." I really didn't understand the point in that. Why not just give us the option below of crawling through instead of putting it on the same page. Plus on one page there was a "hint" which wasn't so much a hint of just outright telling us what to do, and I just don't see the point in giving us two choices if you're going to tell us what choice to make. I'm sure your games will get better, but try to work on character depth, descriptive surroundings and getting used to the advanced editor.
-- Briar_Rose on 12/18/2012 5:28:29 AM
4. No Mans Land - Featured comment
It wasn't that bad of a story, but it was extremely difficult to make sense of it because of the poor grammar. Adding paragraphs would be nice, as it was difficult when almost everything was in one, humongous paragraph. Learning to use punctuation correctly would be helpful because it was hard to understand who was talking, especially since you occasionally added quotation marks before the character had even finished speaking. There were a lot of spelling errors, so using spellcheck would be a good idea. Your writing was okay - I think there could've been more detail in some scenes, but it was just . . . okay. As for the choices, it was discouraging how only one was correct, as letting the character go down different paths would be more interesting. It was hard to predict which one would help the character survive, as all of them seemed logical.
Overall, it was okay - I don't think it was the best war game I've ever played, but it wasn't the worst. I think the biggest issue would be the grammar and perhaps the choices/adding more paths. Also, as Kiel_Farren mentioned, commenting on your own game is a bit embarrassing, as people will quickly realize that it's you. I don't think you'll be able to fool many people.
-- SummerSparrow on 5/1/2016 10:07:49 PM
5. Second World #1 - Featured comment
"(PS this is my first story so don't say bad things about just stuff to help me get better THANKS)"
A good number of members of the community take issue with this kind of post. Just because it's your first story doesn't grant the author an automatic pass for poor or lazy writing. Most members are more than happy to offer constructive criticism - if perhaps a bit blunt at times - to anyone who shows they have put time and effort into their story. But this manner of comment establishes a negative impression of the author from the start. If you expect mostly bad comments, then you know you didn't put enough effort into your story. Telling people to only say nice things doesn't help the author improve, and it only increases the likely of receiving negative comments in the first place, since you come off as whiny and childish.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with writing a bad story. Everyone starts somewhere. But every story needs to show that it had time and effort put into it. This isn't complete. There's not a full story here, and it's incredibly short without much in the way of branching. You don't have to write an epic, but you need to complete the story arc. Releasing a story in 'parts' is only acceptable if each segment is a stand-alone story. This falls far, far short of that standard.
I understand that publishing is fun, but you are under no deadline to finish your story. Take as much time as it takes to complete your full story and write the best story you can. Anything else is a discredit to yourself and reflects poorly on you.
As far as the writing goes, it wasn't bad, and you probably have the potential to write a decent story, assuming you actually took the time to write a complete story. However, you had slips between second and first person in some places. Very jarring.
Also, please use a reasonable font. This was painful to read.
-- Bucky on 2/10/2016 11:37:22 PM
6. Second World #1 - Featured comment
There's some examples of decent writing in here and so I'd say you did have potential if you were to sit down and write a complete story, but it's not really possible for me to rate this as a serious attempt.
For one, there really isn't any kind of story here, let alone a CYOA. Just the first couple of pages of one, with exactly one choice that doesn't amount to anything, then it abruptly cuts off. That doesn't make it 'part one' of anything. (There is an article on why this isn't a good idea, please have a look.)
This doesn't appear to have been proofread, and so once the story actually starts I can point out the tense and POV switching and other errors just in the first paragraph alone, but other than that there's not much to base a review on. Three out of the six pages being the author directly addressing the reader (and insisting on no negative feedback) doesn't really help the situation.
And let's see...this was posted the day after they joined, so very little effort was involved, and yet they went and gave themselves an 8 star rating anyway.
So, another case of a first time author that just goes down the checklist of all the things they shouldn't do and does them anyway, and good luck figuring out any kind of logic behind it. I've pretty much given up.
-- mizal on 2/10/2016 10:28:10 PM
7. Second World #1 - Featured comment
There's definitely a long way for this story to go, here are a few suggestions:
a) Don't reflect on the story within the story. Create a separate thread on the Forums for that.
b) Get someone with good grammar to proof-read the story before you publish.
c) Try to keep the story in the one 'person', be it first, second or third.
d) The whole story was basically simple recounting of events, which isn't very engaging. Try going into more detail about the surroundings and the character's feelings. Imagery can help a lot to establish the setting.
e) Check out some of the featured games from the site to get an idea of how they approach writing an interactive story.
-- Future on 2/29/2016 10:53:11 AM
8. Rob A. Millikan's Oil Drop Experiment - Featured comment
Since you were doing this for a school project, I give you props for creative presentation and excellent use of GIFs for the oil drop animations.
For those who are deciding whether or not to play this game, however, it was actually slightly less fun than homework. You might find it interesting if you didn't already learn about Millikan's Oil Drop experiment, but still have enough physics background to understand why the experiment works. For anyone not in high school yet, this game probably makes little to no sense. For those who are past that lovely stage in our education, it's a rehash of a topic we will probably never be tested on again.
Essentially, this is a science project, not a game, and should not be played for entertainment value unless you have an undying love for physics.
-- the_quiller on 7/27/2014 12:38:57 PM with a score of 0
9. Stories of Adventure; Heads or Tales? - Featured comment
Ok good points:
1) The pictures were great and really complimented the story.
2) The writing was lucid, error-free and to the point.
3) The material you picked was pretty fun, as Gods go the Greek ones were pretty fun.
The main thing here is this wasn't a CYOA because every time we tried to break off the main trail we got told to go right back to it just like those annoying National Park people who tell us to keep to the paths. This felt a bit more like an interesting mythology lesson than a real choice thing.
There are a couple of ways you could get around this: you could turn the story into a Quiz of the "what would Hercules do now" variety or you could make it more CYOA by exploring the other possible outcomes or by giving us a choice of different storylines.
A final idea is you could introduce the crazy antics of other Gods into this story, I think the Norse ones were a funny bunch as well and you could have a lot of fun playing God and seeing how your decisions affect the world (is it just me or did he have a real beef about Job? No one else in particularly, just Job... maybe it was the name? Maybe he just made bad stuff happen to him so he could say stuff like "Bad Job“ or “That's a really good job Job". But I'm blaspheming :) )
Overall pretty good and hoping you write more :)
-- Will11 on 3/9/2016 12:39:40 AM
10. The Very Best - Comment for deletion
Note: This comment was triple posted by mistake. Remove 2x of them and leave one:
Your grammar is on point and it at least had long paragraphs, although, the downfall of this story is that it was too short and it didn't really hold my interest. The endings were also kind of anti-climatic.
At the base of this though, seems like it if you added more plot, maybe who we are, or a more detailed, thorough plot. I don't know. A good start, maybe, but I think you could do a little better :)
-- Shadowulf on 5/18/2016 3:51:16 PM
11. The Very Best - Featured Comment
Note: Even though it was triple posted by mistake, and it's a shorter comment, it's solid feedback on the story:
12. Tower of Doom - Featured Comment
While the concept of clearing obstacles and fighting your way through to reach the top of something is quite good, I think the game (I call it such as there was no real plot) was lacking in several elements. I think the randomisation isn’t used to anywhere near its potential – for example, on one of my playthroughs, I met the gambler on the first two floors, then earned money on the third, before being teleported to the treasure from the fourth. To be frank, the teleport feature is not very useful for such a story.
I also think the execution was very primitive, you don’t get to actually ‘fight’ the creatures you encounter but you just lose life based on your combat level. Also, I imagine if you have bad rolls on each floor, you could die wondering where you went wrong.
Perhaps the biggest issue with this game though (from the perspective of the contest) is that I can’t see where there is a riddle or puzzle. Unless getting to the top is meant to be the puzzle, but that doesn’t fit the definition set by the contest creator.
I think this story could have been quite good with more of a plot, actual riddles/puzzles and better scripting, but I can only rate what is in front of me, and I think a 3/8 is a fair rating for this game.
-- Future on 3/5/2016 3:11:18 AM with a score of 43
13. Full moon's night - Featured Comment
I loved the writing itself, it's just a shame you couldn't proofread it. Lots of missing punctuation, etc. I know there was a deadline, but unless you were just riiight on the wire with it, reading over a story of this length and slap down some periods wouldn't have taken too long. That's really my only major complaint, though. The setting, from the first couple of sentences on is just dripping with atmosphere, and I love the fairy tale logic at play here. The realization at the end of just who the two who gave you the riddles had been was a nice one, and in a story about riddles it seemed fitting you didn't actually spell it out.
If this were ever expanded into a longer story I'd of course appreciate having more choices beyond just the answers to the riddles, but what's here, works.
-- mizal on 3/2/2016 11:56:24 PM
14. Full moon's night - Featured Comment
I would have rated this higher if only it were longer! What's there is excellent - the writing really builds the atmosphere of a dark magical forest, and the riddles fit perfectly into this theme without being overly challenging. All in all, the entire story read like a Grimm fairy tale, with a gothic and dream-like quality that I really enjoyed.
It is still very linear, though, and ends almost as soon as you really begin to have fun. I also realize that it was written on a very limited timeframe, so I would love to see this story expanded upon in the future, hopefully!
-- the_quiller on 3/2/2016 2:22:14 AM
15. The faery, the toller and the rusty door - Featured Comment
I really enjoyed this! There were a few issues, but certainly a breath of fresh air compared to some of the more recent stories popping up on the site.
I was confused as to why the story ended after I defeated the Toller, as I thought the larger plot was rescuing the dad. There were a few spelling errors--nothing too distracting, but a quick proofread and clean up would not go amiss--and I thought the way the inventory items were handled was a little buggy, or at least clunky, in a few places. But then again I often feel that way about inventory items in a more story heavy game; I don't see any reason why items and the options to use them couldn't just be tracked with scripting, especially since you seem to have partially done that here.
Technical issues aside, I loved the city and the imaginative setting here. I just wish this had been longer, and again, that I'd been able to go on to rescue the character's father after defeating the Toller. It felt like the story ended just when it was getting warmed up.
-- mizal on 1/21/2016 9:12:20 PM with a score of 0
I just went ahead and unpublished Inferno and the Oil story. They've both been around awhile and have ratings of 2. Not much point in featuring any comments on stories with a 2 or less. (Even Tev's comment suggested unpublishing)
Going to feature all the comments on Second World, but I'll have to do it when I'm not on an IPad. For whatever reason, can't scroll the pop up comment box on one.
In comparison to IronPanther, mine will be short.
I have two storygames for unpublishing. They are both at 2/8 for a rating (though they deserve a 1/8) and have a 1/8 length. The storygames are Dangerous Decision Dan and Crime Life: Part 1.
1. Zombie Kill Squad
2. Zombie Kill Squad 2
Both need part of series tags.
3. The Life Story#1: Preschool
Geared for children.
4. A Pug's Purpose
5. A Mutt's Purpose
Animal perspective. (again)
Thanks a million :3
Recommending comments for featuring:
The Path of Death
"I don't know what I was expecting, but this game absolutely exceeded expectations. It took the standard tropes of dark fantasy and turned them upside down, managed to bounce between snarky, dark, fluffy, and badass all while delivering a great plot at a snappy pace.
The writing is fantastic, the characters are all very unique and memorable, the dialogue is witty and very natural, and the game just great fun all the way through. It's serious when it needs to be serious and funny when it needs to be funny, as well as packed to the gills with action and adventure with a non-standard protagonist and his equally unique love interest.
Just play it."
-- the_quiller on 2/29/2016 2:38:48 AM with a score of 0
Steve, this was both fantastic and inspiring.
The writing was great, and the narrative had an amazing voice that was very much you. The story was thrilling, adventurous, sweet and romantic in different aspects. I loved how you played with tropes, twisting them around in interesting ways. The Path of Death is filled with memorable moments, characters and personalities. This story is a must read and just goes on and on and on. I also highly enjoyed the lore in the story and how some early decisions came back to relevance later in the story.
This story is absolutely feature worthy, though we have so many excellent stories in the fantasy section. Perhaps it is time to break the fantasy section into two of its sub-genres so more top stories can sport the main StoryGame page. Or if the site moved to drawing six stories from a select pool of feature worthy stories randomly when the page is loaded, I would strongly support this story being among that group.
As great as any story is, there is always room for improvement. There were some grammar errors, but I would expect that in a story this size, without having a publisher and editing team to help support you. A tad more jarring were the rare instances where you typed the name of one character, when you were referring to another. I believe there was one instance where Blaise was called something else entirely (as in a name that wasn't even a another character in the story.) The occasional paragraph would read odd, where you would use the same noun repeatedly in close proximity, often at the end of one sentence and the very beginning of the next.
Other than that, only two things really jumped out at me. You had Checkers IIX in the story. Unless I missed a joke somewhere that this was intentional, the roman numeral for "8" is VIII. The other was Dagden suffering multiple broken ribs early in the story and immediately jumping around and going axe crazy on his enemy. I understand he's an orc, and they're 'special' but that really stretches my suspension of disbelief. Severe trauma to the core makes even the slightest movement incredibly painful. A character suffering multiple broken ribs would have severe difficulty breathing, possible internal injuries (fluid in the lungs, for example) and would be incapable of swift, sudden movements. Dagden tended to heal awfully quickly in general from what seemed to be rather significant wounds (with or without potions).
Oh, and I had 100 gold coins at one point in the dwarf town, but I was able to buy everything in the store, despite the combined price being more than that.
All that aside, I felt the story had so much effort poured into it - and was so well thought out and done - that I gave it a perfect 8/8 because taken as a whole, it was marvelous and cross blended multiple genres quite well. And I give very few perfect ratings. You should be quite proud of this story.
-- Bucky on 2/8/2016 5:40:39 PM with a score of 0
Also: Fantasy tag.
The Only Lights in the Darkness are Flames
"Wheeeew. What a ride! This was a thrilling read, and I thoroughly enjoyed it from beginning to end. You have an incredible gift for writing visceral, gripping scenes, and horror is your best genre, in my opinion.
And what makes your horror so gripping is that your characters are so instantly relatable and fleshed out. The beginning of the story, showing the squad just hanging out together, was an excellent opening that established their personalities through dialogue. I liked everyone on that squad (though Rivera and Blanco were my favorites to play as), and making us care about the characters really ratcheted up the dramatic tension.
I liked how the horror and gruesome deaths were also balanced out by opportunities for genuine bravery and camaraderie between what is clearly a close knit squad. You managed to convey a sense of helpless terror while still giving the player a sense of control over the fate of the characters, which is a very fine line that was brilliantly executed.
Awesome game, and thank you for continuing to churn out games of this quality."
-- the_quiller on 3/17/2016 12:22:46 AM with a score of 0
Also: Horror and Serious tags.
Thank you again, End :D
now, where's my points, my lord? *stares unnervingly* lel jk
All stories with a rating of 2 or less have been purged.
Thank you humans. Good day.
Huzzah! Let September the 15th hereby be a Cystian national holiday.
I second this.
It should be a holiday, just like the day of the purge of WC stories, and the ban of Brennon :P
Might as well, I need points...so close to 2000
Recommending Comments for Featuring:
1. Seraph Serenade
I really liked your writing style. The game started out strong and ended strong, but it lagged in the middle. You definitely could have improved this by adding more special conversations or by including unique events that temporarily allow us to escape the cycle. Speaking of the cycle, you spaced it out pretty well. I played through it six time and found that you gave us a generous amount of time to do everything, maybe too much time, but not badly so. As mentioned before a few special events would be fantastic. Lastly, I would suggest adding a few more options to the regular cycle. A few more ways to waste time, an extra way to score points, and maybe something harder to find that gives us access to a fourth ending (I found them all by the way, the worst ending was the hardest for me to earn ironically) Something that bothered me at the beginning is that it says, "A human girl..." Are there nonhuman girls? Such as elves or the like? Well apparently there are Seraph's, except she tells us that she is just a normal kid, except she can disappear at a whim... That irks me a bit, but it's okay. It may well be intentional. Reading this is a good use of time none the less.
-- ugilick on 6/14/2013 1:10:25 AM with a score of 50
2. Two Hearts and A Hawk
I liked this story because it's quite cute in a rather unrealistic way: many is the time I've met someone, learned their name and then asked them to marry me the next day :) Reality in romance tories is boring though, especially in romance stories for young or teenage girls and I liked the writing though the dialogue needs to be split up into individual lines:
"Will you marry me" said Hunter
"Yes" I said.
I would also point out a difficulty level of 5 is strange as the story is linear, at the risk of ruining a love story you could put in more options (why can't I say no to the marriage proposal? I might be married already, I might be criminally insane, anything is possible :) ). This story would probably work equally well in straight-forward prose form and as I mentioned I can see how it would appeal to a pre-teen female audience so I gave it 4/8.
-- Will11 on 12/9/2014 11:10:30 AM
This is sweet, touching, and heart-warming...but it's not a storygame. It's just a short story awkwardly placed in first person. I can't truly care for this that is just thrown in my face even despite the fact the whole story is about her. Your grammar needs some work as well; proper punctuation, capitalization, and spelling can make a story that much better.
Just like your first story, you are lacking any choices. In fact, this one doesn't have any choices. Also, it's too short. I give you a C+ for effort. 2/8
-- Danaos on 4/2/2014 11:35:06 PM
4. A Light within a Darkness
Agree with Kiel. If this really is your life story, sympathy, but it's not a good story.
Technically, it needs work. (your name) is unwieldy for the protagonist, and why bother if you're going to assign her the last name Brooks? There are multiple spelling errors and issues with "your/you're" confusion throughout.
Storywise- (your name) is unintentionally unsympathetic. The way she moans and cries like no one in the history of suffering has ever suffered the way she suffers; her overly-dramatic descriptions of everyday events; it all makes her come across as a fragile orchid who's never experienced any real hardship, mistakenly believing her ordinary sadness is an epic tragedy.
"In all your years on this planet, no one had ever showed interest in you." "All your years?" You're *fourteen,* not many people have much romantic experience at that point.
"Your druggie dad." Is your dad actually a drug addict? That would be more interesting as a story than the shallow bully girls petty torment. I'd at least feel a little more sympathetic towards (your name.)
"they pushed you into your future husband's arms." I hate to break this to you, fourteen-year-old, but very few people actually marry the first and only person they ever dated. (unless they're of a religion that arranges marriages like that.) Honestly, it's a good thing. Statistically speaking, you're extremely unlikely to know *any* of the people you went to high school with once it's over.
I know, girls aren't like boys. Instead of being physically abusive, they're emotionally cruel, using subtle acts and social isolation. They often do get away with it, since teachers, parents, and anti-bullying initiatives tend to focus on violence and overt insults. It really does suck to endure it.
Regardless, this would be a better story if it didn't think (your name)'s life was an unimaginable saga of cruelty and despair.
If this is seriously the absolute worst stuff that ever happens/happened to you, you've got a really good life.
-- Sethaniel on 5/27/2015 12:16:22 PM with a score of 0
5. A Light within a Darkness
... I hate to critique someone's life story, I -really- do, but this is not well written. It has some grammar and spelling errors littered throughout. It's also awkwardly put together, like you weren't really paying attention to the contents of the story when you connected them. For instance, when I backed away from the ledge, the next link implied that my character was still trying to kill herself.
When I stayed silent and waited to tell the teacher, the next page was: "You made sure that everyone was out before you walked to your teacher. "She's lying." You repeated, crying.
"Please no more lies, before I add more to your detentions. Tears wouldn't help." He repeminded you. "
What detentions? What did "she" lie about? Who is "she"? What lies did I tell? ("repeminded" would be one of the errors I was referring to, by the way.) What the hell are you on about, woman? Just because this is your story and you understand it in full context does not mean the reader will. You have to show us what's going on or it makes no sense.
Also, I really hate to be "this guy" ... but, are you serious? This is based on a true story? What kind of retarded high-schooler actually uses "booger" as an insult and why in gods name did that bother you? How thin-skinned do you have to be to cry over a third grade insult when you're seventeen? Yeah, turning the light off in the bathroom was rude, but when I was seventeen, I put up with -real- assholes, not this cutesy crap. I cannot fathom why you'd actually consider killing yourself over something so ridiculous.
Not to mention, 14 years? So people bullied you since you were ... 3? Uh huh. Two things. One, -why-? There's nothing to make fun of when you're three. You all pick your noses and have bathroom accidents and say stupid shit and absolutely nobody cares because you're THREE. Two, how is that even relevant now? You honestly still care? Really? I can't even remember anyone I knew when I was three outside of my family.
Listen, I'm not trying to be mean here. If this is a true story, then I'm genuinely sorry you feel like you had a shitty childhood, and yeah, being bullied sucks a lot, but it's ... hard to sympathize with this or take it seriously.
Trust me, childish insults and spreading rumors are only things a really stupid or really weak bully does.
Unless you've been beaten up badly or had someone pull your underwear down (or, since you're a girl, shirt and bra up) in front of someone you had a crush on to humiliate you, you actually got off pretty easy, and it can get worse than just that. Much, much worse. My advice is to use the spell-checker, work on your grammar, and you may want to stick to fiction in the future, hun.
-- Kiel_Farren on 7/19/2014 11:06:01 AM with a score of 0
6. Hey Mom
This story could be really good, but it has some major issues.
It lacks character development--all characters remain completely generic with no personality.
The story as a whole is generic--it lacks detail-those little touches that give context, that make the reader feel as though they are actually there & "draw" a picture in the reader's mind.
The spelling, grammar, punctuation, and the structure as a whole need a great deal of work.
I see potential here--there is just a lot of skill development needed & groundwork to learn.
-- LilacRain on 3/4/2016 3:43:47 PM
Recommended Comments for Deletion:
7. You're the Bachelor
This was double-posted
aww... so smooshy! or maybe that was just the way i played it... i got Sara... totally cool...<br>LMAO this might not have been as funny if i wasnt a girl...<br>lol.. i had to pick whether to kiss them and whether i wanted to marry one... *dies laughing* can we have a female version of this?
-- Lyradi on 10/20/2004 12:05:13 AM
8. You're the Bachelor
This comment was just stupid.
what in the world!!!! you buddy need a massive vocabulary tuning be starting another game similar to the one i have just played!!! get out into the real world and find out just how many opptions there when datin 24 women. and good luck. <br><br>P.S. get a job.
-- B. lagoon on 5/28/2004 3:45:46 PM
9. A Light within a Darkness
There were options, albeit very linear choices but they did change things slightly.
-- brenno on 6/23/2014 8:52:59 PM with a score of 0
10-13. High School Romance
Doesn't provide much
-- banjoman92 on 3/2/2007 7:21:26 PM
^ same reason
-- sage on 12/6/2014 12:46:08 PM
-- EmilyGotStyle on 1/3/2016 5:08:08 PM
And some more. Sorry about making a new post, but my phone was having trouble with the other one due to its length.
Recommended Comments for Featuring:
1. Tikal Warrior
I feel that while this game was informative, it lacked detail and could have been fleshed out a bit more. I liked how it dove into history and allowed you to see the world from a different perspective, but it could have been introduced better, as I didn't realize what was going on for a short while. I also slightly disliked the way this game worked - the choices provided were sometimes confusing (for instance: result A or B). Also, I felt that the events occurring after the choices were explained in a matter-of-fact tone rather than shown. Having the facts told to me in a clinical tone made me feel detached from the game. But the grammar was great, and the writing - while simple - had the potential to become even greater if details had been added.
I understand that this game was probably made for a school project (at least it appears that way to me). The plot here felt more like an outline or a skeleton than a real story, but you honestly have the potential to create a great game. If you have the time, passion, and patience to create stories, I encourage you to stay on here.
-- SummerSparrow on 4/11/2016 5:56:54 PM
2. Tikal Warrior
A commendable work, compared to other new stories on the site.
Historical CYOAs are rather uncommon; well-made historical CYOAs are even more rare. The reason I consider this game to be well-made, despite its low rating, is that you have given us a real "what-if" experience. Playing this game, it was hard to tell which path was the most historically accurate. You treated all endings with the same care, instead of leading us down the path to the "real ending" and giving us a generic "oops, try again" any time we made a decision deviating from how things happened in real life.
I understand that you made this for a school project (which is probably why you initially put it in the "school-based" section instead of the "edutainment" section), and like many people who make games for school, you probably don't intend to stick around the site much longer. However, you are a decent writer, and we can always use more people like you around here.
-- jamescoker1226 on 4/4/2016 3:02:11 PM
3. Tikal Warrior
First off, the 'school-based' category is for games that take place in a school. You should move this to edutainment.
Secondly, this was far too short and lacking in any kind of detail or description. There IS a plot, but I felt more like I was reading the outline of it than a completed story in its own right. How about showing us the things that happened instead of just briefly mentioning them after the fact? 'Result A' or 'Result B' determining the ending you get is kind of out of place too, the reader is expected to just click randomly at that point instead of making a real choice.
A story about a Mayan king could be a very cool thing, I wish you'd done more with this.
-- mizal on 4/4/2016 2:52:00 PM
4. The Troubles
That was pretty good.
I do have to wonder who I am to be able to dictate all these decisions to the Irish and the UK but I think the problems in Ireland started long before 1969, 1916 might be a better time to begin this story. We've reached a state of calmness now but it was not as easy as this story makes out.
As an English guy I don't personally think the English should be in Northern Ireland if the population don't want us there, they should be allowed a vote to decide on independence as Scotland was. I think this story oversimplifies things somewhat and also I'm pretty sure there's not a street in Dublin called "Bogside" :)
Overall a pretty interesting story though :D
-- Will11 on 6/3/2015 10:15:08 PM
5. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
First just let me say I liked it! This game came out appropriately at the beginning of December and got me in a nice Christmassy mood, that said, I did rate it as "4, slightly more fun than homework" 'cos to be fair, that's literally what it is, and that's not meant as an insult or anything, it's just a kind of fun version of a young kid's homework. The math was extremely basic addition and subtraction, and as an adult, I'd like to have seen some multiplication, division, fractions and percentages in there just to add some variety, but then I don't really know what age kids you were aiming this game towards, so I can't complain. The highlight for me was the profile sticker at the end. I know they're unnecessary and most people can't be bothered with them but personally I'm a sucker for profile badges, it's just a cute, fun little reward for playing the game and I always appreciate when someone takes the effort to make one, so thanks for that! Despite rating this game low, there's nothing actually wrong with it and it does exactly what it's supposed to do, it gives us a few simple math problems to solve while getting us into the Christmas spirit, so well done for that! ^_^
-- Briar_Rose on 12/6/2012 10:24:00 AM
6. The Flame
A unique and very compelling idea, but the illusion of choice is a bit of a bother. An excuse could be that no matter what path we take we always have a fate lined up for us. That would've been an interesting idea if it had been executed well. Unfortunately it just forces you into taking the option that the author wants you to.
Overall, could be improved greatly upon but I think the concept is great.
-- HJPike on 11/5/2015 3:53:27 AM with a score of 1
7. The Flame
Let's just say that a lot of literary analysis had to be done to make the story good. Though, when interpreted into actual text, it is enjoyable, simpler readers will have trouble trying to find any entertainment from this overly simplistic story. I'm not sure if adding descriptions of your surroundings, your characters, and so forth will actually detract from the messages you've oh so cleverly placed in here, but I do suggest not giving your readers a wall of bland text to read.
-- Swiftstryker on 10/9/2013 7:56:57 PM with a score of 1
8. The Black Hand
You have proven that you can write fairly well, however what you need to work on is fleshing out your games; perhaps give us some more insight and information about the Black Hand and their operations, and also make sure the stories you create are not linear, as this one is now; it seems like, although you knew there had to be choices/branches, you just didn't implement it effectively. There were branches, but all except one ended up in death. As it stands though this is an okay game, with some good informational value and good writing. Just want a little more, surely someone with your skills can deliver.
-- FazzTheMan on 7/2/2015 2:40:47 AM
9. Mutiny On Board the Bounty
Very nice writing. Your grammar was perfect, which I really appreciate, and you had only a couple spelling errors. The flow was great, and the story was intriguing. The only bad thing was the insane number of choiceless pages, which really made it less exciting. Otherwise, I loved it.
-- epiclab on 6/14/2013 9:45:42 AM with a score of 0
10. Mutiny On Board the Bounty
I'm quite glad I stumbled across this as I was thinking of writing a similar story about the same things, though the idea of using Adams as a narrator was a clever one. There should have been a few more choices; the troubles on the Bounty began with Bligh's decision to sail around Cape Horn instead of the Cape of Good Hope and his subsequent promotion of Fletcher at John Fryer's expense so that might have been a good place to start picking sides. The writing was consistently strong throughout, though at times it did feel more like witnessing than taking part in history, a few little extra details and less use of specific dates goes a long way towards making history feel like a living experience. I enjoyed this a lot though and with such a good story-game about the Mutiny on the Bounty out there it would be pointless of me to write another.
-- Will11 on 11/12/2014 4:23:38 AM with a score of 0
11. Julius Caesar: Stayin' Alive!
Seems like a pretty cool game, I just didin't like how the game's choices seem to follow no logical; the deaths are random. I mean, isn't it logical for someone especially like a recently-crowned king to ask who's coming in before alotting them passage? And if you have all these signs from various people like your wife and soothsayers to stay home, shouldn't you probably stay home?
On top of that there's inconsistencies with the story; if you don't ask who it is, the guy doesn't kill you (as one ex).
That's really the only thing that irks me about this story. When playing a CYS, it should be strategic and logical and your choice; not like attempting to traverse a minefield.
-- FazzTheMan on 6/13/2015 1:02:25 AM
12. I want to have money and financial stability
There are multiple issues with this storygame. First of all, I would like to see how my choices meant something instead of just being told I didn't make my goal. Why would I want to restart the game to make my goal if I don't know what I did that was 'wrong'? Additionally, I felt that I made good choices. This might just be a matter of opinion, though. Choices did not really mean anything because I had no idea how they affected my overall outcome. The plot was not engaging, and I went from buying a car to being in eigth grade. This can be improved, and I would suggest fixing the link from the car to eigth grade, expanding on the final results details, and overall fleshing out the story.
-- AllThatIsGold on 1/9/2016 11:20:21 AM with a score of 10
13. History Project - The Homestead Act
This is a great idea. However, there are some things that could be fixed.
No one likes to be forced along a single path. Especially when that person has no idea which path will kill them. Let people have more choices and give them some background so their choice isn't random. Why can't you be a woodcutter, or decide to pack lightly? And perhaps you could give more info about the choices, such as telling us the wagon had gunpowder in it beforehand.
No one likes random choices. Choosing randomly between 1, 2, 3, and 4 to see if you fought off the animals is no fun.
More detail! I want to know more about me and my family, why we decided to move, who we meet along the way, and how our new life affects us. I want to know more about what it was like on the Oregon Trail, leaving an old life completely behind.
If you want to try it, I would suggest using variables. Something like stats could make the game more interesting - and it could solve the random number problem as well. Instead of choosing a number at random to see whether you fought off the beasts, seeing if a stat was high enough would be a much better way. Variables are not extremely hard to learn, and you can always ask for help.
Once again, I like the idea of the storygame. Just change a few things, and this game could really go somewhere! If you need any help, there are a lot of people here willing to help you.
-- AllThatIsGold on 1/9/2016 8:43:39 PM
14. History Project - The Homestead Act
I actually liked it. Projects that are meant for school (at least, I can assume) are typically short, which is one negative. There were some grammar/spelling errors, but they didn't rip me away from the story.
I've always liked learning about the pioneers and the gold rush and the Oregon Trail (insert rambling here) in history class, so I thought it would make a good game. This storygame wasn't quite what I expected, but it wasn't bad.
There are three things I wished this story had:
1. Details on characters. Who am I? What's my family like? What're my friends like?
2. Details in general. There were a few details, but I'd appreciate some more. Even the tiniest details can go a long way.
3. Another way to do the "see if you got food" or "see if you got rid of the animals killing the chickens" thing. Maybe you can choose the stats of your character and you'll be able to use variables to determine the outcome? (Trust me, it's easier than it sounds.)
4/8. It can be great if improved, but for now it's an "okay." If you do decide to take my suggestions, you can PM me or coauthor me if you need some help or a beta tester.
-- DerpBacon on 10/15/2015 6:36:31 PM
15. Historical Misadventures, Served Two Ways
This is an interesting point of view, most explorations of alternative history tend to look at what-if scenarios like what if the Confederacy had won the Battle of Gettysburg, Hitler had won WW2 or what if Alexander the Great had lived to invade Italy but you've taken a much more back to basics approach which is interesting.
There are many interesting theories on this subject, one of the best I've read is that the random allocation of resources and terrain directly led to civilization's histories while others emphasise the importance of the actions of the individual in determining the fates of countless. You seem to have gone with the latter approach.
It might be difficult to see how the actions of a single human or a tree might have a really decisive effect on history compared to say famous historical figures but you treat the choices of both in an intelligent and interesting way that makes playing through their lives a fun way to spend five minutes.
The title "Historical Misadventures" seems a bit too jocular for the rather serious story and in my view there seens to be a slightly condescending attitude in places (I wouldn't waste time responding to criticism on the Internet btw, show that you're sensitive to it and you'll just encourage more, your two comments seem oddly like a schitzophrenic argument). Overall pretty good and for a class project, even an over-simplified one as you point out (would your peers and teacher not understand it if you didn't make it simple for them?), it should lead to a good grade. An enjoyable read and an interesting idea that could definitely be expanded on to explore other situations or individuals. :D
-- Will11 on 6/1/2016 10:58:32 PM
16. Greek Labyrinth
I played this because
1) I love Greek and Roman mythology and creatures and pretty much anything connected to them
2)It reminded me a lot of the Percy Jackson Battle of the Labyrinth book, so it was impossible for me to not play the game ten times.
The game was amusing and was nice that you could use a sword and shield, but there was a limited amount of options that usually led you to get more points, less points, or die.However, I admire the creativity used to make this and the common riddle used by the sphinx.
-- Snowflame on 1/8/2016 10:39:32 PM with a score of 500
17. Greek Labyrinth
This actually wasn't that bad. I thought, at first, that the blue FYI text would distract from the game, but it actually didn't end up bothering me all that much. The game, for what it was, was fairly interesting and I found no glitches in the scripting.
That being said, it's biggest downside is how short it is. If this had been quadruple the length, it might have actually felt like a fantasy adventure, but as it stands, it feels like a creative elementary school PowerPoint on Greek mythology.
-- the_quiller on 7/27/2014 1:10:40 PM with a score of 300
18. ESL Hello, everyone!
As an English teacher I quite like the idea behind this of using an interactive story to teach English. There are many better ways to teach English but at least this is an original idea, you should stick to one theme (like animals or colours) and make the story a bit more linked together, the pictures were good additions though :) This is a good idea but I think this idea would work better in an interactive computer program rather than a book/story game format.
-- Will11 on 11/10/2014 4:01:47 AM
19. Eating Disorders Midterm
Not really much in terms of a story, but very factual and lots of information. Still, this is probably only going to appeal to people interested in or looking for information about eating disorders. I appreciate the list of sources on nearly every page, you clearly did your research. This was very well written although I did see some grammatical errors. Perhaps you could turn this into a story somehow, like an actual simulation where you have to help a loved one dealing with an eating disorder?
-- FazzTheMan on 7/5/2015 2:07:04 AM
20. Eating Disorders Midterm
Medically this is university-worthy but for a casual reader it was like reading a well-written textbook, a living experience of how it is to live with someone with a disorder would also be useful. At uni I had a friend called Daisy who was anorexic to the point where her spine looked like a cheese grater; if the reader has to try to 'save' a friend or a family member with this illness then that provides a framework for them to have an interest in learning about the illness, causes and symptoms.
-- Will11 on 5/13/2015 8:14:26 PM
I rather enjoyed that, some good advice offered during the lesson and though the humour veered more towards the random than I usually like I did find this story game quite enjoyable to read through. I didn't like the lack of choices between trying to escape and not being able to but I appreciated the clever use of Variables, bonuses and secret endings and I expect finding them all could be quite a fun way to while away a half hour. Overall pretty great, a good amount of effort and an enjoyable writing style made this a fun read :D
-- Will11 on 7/22/2016 10:41:55 AM with a score of 1
I feel like these were made by the same people..
i like pikachus comment too and jesus christs i agree with both of them this game was very boring and bad
-- youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu on 5/24/2006 5:41:33 PM
that was a boring story
-- geooorge on 5/24/2006 5:14:53 PM
THE WORST GAME EVER... IT PUT ME TO SLEEP IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOO BORINGG!
-- your mom on 5/24/2006 5:14:52 PM
I don't like this game
-- on 5/24/2006 5:14:21 PM
-- b on 5/24/2006 5:13:33 PM
good enough to poop on
-- jo minnimugins on 5/24/2006 4:20:47 PM
Phoenician Trade Game
Do these need explanations?
I r8 8/8 m8 but it needs to elabor8 on the st8 m8
-- XxQuikScooperxX on 8/31/2016 1:07:28 PM with a score of 0
-- Name on 8/31/2016 11:16:38 AM with a score of 0
-- Donald trump supporter on 8/31/2016 9:05:53 AM with a score of 0
I'm Rick Harrison, and this is my pawn shop. I work here with my old man and my son, Big Hoss. Everything in here has a story and a price. One thing I've learned after 21 years - you never know what is gonna come through that door. I'm Rick Harrison, and this is my pawn shop. I work here with my old man and my son, Big Hoss. Everything in here has a story and a price. One thing I've learned after 21 years - you never know what is gonna come through that door. I'm Rick Harrison, and this is my pawn shop. I work here with my old man and my son, Big Hoss. Everything in here has a story and a price. One thing I've learned after 21 years - you never know what is gonna come through that door. I'm Rick Harrison, and this is my pawn shop. I work here with my old man and my son, Big Hoss. Everything in here has a story and a price. One thing I've learned after 21 years - you never know what is gonna come through that door. I'm Rick Harrison, and this is my pawn shop. I work here with my old man and my son, Big Hoss. Everything in here has a story and a price. One thing I've learned after 21 years - you never know what is gonna come through that door. I'm Rick Harrison, and this is my pawn shop. I work here with my old man and my son, Big Hoss. Everything in here has a story and a price. One thing I've learned after 21 years - you never know what is gonna come through that door. I'm Rick Harrison, and this is my pawn shop. I work here with my old man and my son, Big Hoss. Everything in here has a story and a price. One thing I've learned after 21 years - you never know what is gonna come through that door.
-- ( ?° ?? ?°) on 8/31/2016 9:04:16 AM with a score of 0
Phoenician trading gone wrong, cops called, gun pulled out!
-- Offensive name on 8/31/2016 9:01:48 AM with a score of 0
-- Memes on 8/31/2016 9:00:15 AM with a score of 0
Dressing The Part
Pointless in some ways but definately kept me entertained. Curious to know who the author is and why they chose this topic area to make a game! Good job!
-- march5th00 on 11/18/2002 1:40:25 PM with a score of 35
Does 2/8 games really need featured comments, Seto? xD
I am so close to 2000 points ;-;
XD Besides, if the comments are helpful and worthy of featuring, they should be featured c:
This makes us enemies then.
Just kidding :c
I shall fight for this position
Hehe. I don't want to be your enemy. I'll just do this until I hit 2000 points or close enough x3
I’ll get to this later, but I think Seto missed the part where I said I just purged ALL stories with a rating of 2 or less. So there shouldn't even be any up anymore. (Unless someone has snuck one up since then or one just went down from a 3)
Lowest rating on the stories were 3/8.
I don't see one with a 2/8 rating, so not sure what Thara was talking about xD
Hmm, actually it was a mistake on my part. I was referring to this:
"This is sweet, touching, and heart-warming...but it's not a storygame. It's just a short story awkwardly placed in first person. I can't truly care for this that is just thrown in my face even despite the fact the whole story is about her. Your grammar needs some work as well; proper punctuation, capitalization, and spelling can make a story that much better.
Just like your first story, you are lacking any choices. In fact, this one doesn't have any choices. Also, it's too short. I give you a C+ for effort. 2/8"
-- Danaos on 4/2/2014 11:35:06 PM
The actual story seems to be a 3/8 actually xc
xD Ah. I see.
Anyways, working on a few more. Slowly going through all of edutainment...
I thought only 2/8 rated stories that also had a length of 1/8 were being unpublished?
It's a new era and we're cleaning up this stinkin' town.
1. Climate Change Adaptation
The length was the worst problem. This seriously needs to be a lot more longer -- you could introduce some more problems and have deeper affects from our choices (as I'm sure is the case in the real world). Also, we as the reader should feel more connection to we, the president of this country. You need to work on immersion.
But hey this was made for a seminar, so...
-- FazzTheMan on 6/25/2015 1:14:16 AM
2. Career Story: IVEY Edition
This piqued my interest, as I'm going to choose a career in Business. Very well written, however it wasn't... fun. Though, it was probably focused less on fun and more on the actual subject matter. While informative, its not something for you if you aren't interested in business or career quizzes.
-- meme man on 2/9/2016 6:38:02 PM with a score of 0
3. Battlefield Commander: The Trojan War
Wow, this was a really, really cool re-telling of the Trojan Horse, and definently one of my more favorite stories from you, Will. The way the writing immersed the reader was amazing, made me feel like I was actually there and participating in the war. With this immersion brings a new perspective on the classic Trojan Horse story, one that I really enjoyed.
I didn't like how it was a little linear, but I suppose the rank mechanic and the way you could side with different leaders in different situations makes up for it.
Good work Will!
-- FazzTheMan on 6/22/2015 2:29:19 AM with a score of 0
4. American Outlaws: The James Gang
GUNFIGHTS is 7.
INJURED is 1.
KILLED is 1.
ROBBERIES is 9.
SCORE is 13500.
My score before I got the 100k bonus for surviving! This was a lot of fun, even if my view of most of the infamous outlaws from that period is that they were assholes murdering unarmed people who just lucked out when history decided to heavily romanticize them.
I'm sure I could've racked up a higher score, but I was roleplaying a bit and actively trying to avoid robberies and shootouts after the train crash. Seems like the original big score was the first bank robbery and they might as well have quit while they were ahead. (Hell, that original 8,500 share would've almost been enough to retire on in a time you could buy an acre of land for $5 and laborers made a dollar a day....)
Interesting how most of the others (other than Cole the action hero badass) seemed like pretty regular people while Jesse was a bit of a lunatic addicted to the thrill of it all, realistically I don't think think the others did themselves any favors hooking up with him. They didn't even get to go down in history, comparatively speaking--Jesse James is the only name most people know.
The incident with John shooting the pipe out of the man's mouth...that was real? Holy shit, I really do need to read up on these guys. Can you recommend some good resources for readers who want more details on the gang?
Anyway, I'm amazed you had time to write this in the middle of everything else with how busy you've been at work. You're putting us all to shame, man. :D
-- mizal on 7/21/2016 9:49:57 AM with a score of 113500
5. American Outlaws: The James Gang
The idea of Edutainment is to both teach people and to entertain them, in a way that makes learning enjoyable. This game strikes a great balance between both. Not only does it teach the reader about a lot of interesting outlaws, it does it in a way that's both fun and exciting.
It has good usage of variables. I played around with it to see what would happen and I liked the approach. Spelling and grammar seemed clean. If there were any issues, it wasn't enough to distract me from the story.
The minor problem I had, which you yourself pointed out in the "Author's Perspective" section, is that getting a higher score requires you to kill more people. That's subjective though, especially since this is a game about being an outlaw. If you made a sequel, maybe offer two routes: a high positive score for killing, or a low negative score for taking a "peaceful" outlaw approach. That'd give two different goals to reach for.
Overall I was most impressed by your knowledge, research and devotion to representing all of the outlaws in a fair and engaging way. This could easily be fiction and be just as fun, which goes to show how well the source material was used. With all that said, this is now my favorite Edutainment game on the site.
-- IronPanther on 7/20/2016 11:35:44 PM with a score of 116800
6. A Titanic Experience
It's hard to find a well made edutainment storygame on this site, and I can assure you that this is pretty well made. I can see the thought and willpower that went into this.
When I first saw the title, I was expecting the predictable, being a survivor on the Titanic, having small misadventures throughout the ship with facts left and right, but no. In the beginning you could pick which ship you were on. This surprised me, because I didn't expect too much.
Instead, what I got was an enjoyable, historically accurate piece of work with a bunch of paths to try out. Keep up the great work, and make the edutainment category great again!
-- Zephyrme2847 on 8/22/2016 3:43:12 AM
7. A Hero's Odyssey
I like where the story is going. It has good detail and I like that the character has a good amount of speaking roles. The only thing I want to point out though is that you should explain some things in detail more. You seem to be a fan of Greek mythology but I am not so some things were a little confusing. If you fix that then I think the next one will be better. Nice job.
-- JMgskills on 12/17/2011 4:18:29 PM
This demonstrated a lot of research into the time period, and offered a lot of details about life in Edwardian England that I had never thought about before. In that sense, I immensely enjoyed it, since my favorite part about learning history has always been the tiny every day details that make it real to me.
The spelling and grammar were flawless, and the pictures were all well chosen and appropriate.
I have to give a slight point reduction for the linearity and the length, but since you warned that it was not a roleplay, I went in expecting a quiz. A quiz is basically what I got, so I wasn't too disappointed.
So all in all, an interesting little game that was very much educational.
-- the_quiller on 3/5/2016 4:44:49 PM
9. Wolf Adventures
It's all right but I really feel like in such a tiny game I shouldn't be finding so many errors. There can't have been much more than a page of text to look through overall.
>>>You creep forward and halt behind a bush at the boundaries of this packs territory. You realize it is a rouge pack, mean and lawless.<<< On the very first page here, 'packs' is missing an apostrophe, and I don't really understand why these wolves are wearing makeup, that seems very silly and random! Is it against the wolf law to wear makeup, and the other wolves picked on them until they became mean?
Various other issues were sprinkled throughout this, but
"You arent really none well and your fine with that." really stood out as being particularly painful to read.
You're not a bad writer, if you just proofread your work better and added a few more choices (maybe extend a couple of those branches that immediately end the game...like your entire pack getting killed because you took a nape) and use more descriptive writing this could be decent.
But I never understand why all these animal games abruptly end when the character becomes leader of their pack or clan or whatever, when it seems like they should just be getting started then with the introduction of some kind of plot.
-- mizal on 5/24/2015 11:16:43 AM
10. Wizard Duel at Wizard School
It was very well written, but I noticed a few problems. This game was very short. The only reason it took me more than five minutes was because you provided us with literally no background as to how magic worked in this world. The correct answer was completely unintuitive, but worse, nonsensical. Defensive magic based on zen meditation is interesting, but it seems almost too easy to use defensive spells. Someone could stare off into a trance and it would be like they entered God mode.
Also, I find it highly unlikely that, given the situation, the guy would be able to achieve the state of mind necessary for such a spell to work. Unless, of course, he knew how defensive spells like that one functioned, which he probably didn't, because you explicitly stated that he didn't study very well.
-- jamescoker1226 on 3/26/2015 8:12:03 PM
11. What if
I'll admit, it was short. It was strangely connected, and had no plot. But something about it left me at peace. Maybe it was that even though at maximum I had three or four actions, they still changed the game a lot.
What I'm saying is while this is nowhere near a complete game and should not be treated as such, it does give a glimpse of what you're capable of. I think if you hone your skills, increase the play length, and add a bit more for each turn you could really make something beautiful.
All in all? You have potential, you might get some negative reviews, but if you keep trying and improving you've got the making of much more.
-- Nieol on 12/23/2015 2:09:02 PM
This is pretty short for a fantasy adventure. The main characters aren't developed enough, the integration of fantasy is rushed and confusing, and the plot twist in the end didn't even make me feel bad for any of them. The story needs more plot. One thing that I did like was the visuals. The pictures of the school represented the setting very well. The ending pictures were a little disappointing.
-- AppDude27 on 4/16/2014 12:51:05 AM
13. Under The Bridge
It is not easy for me to rate this storygame as there is so little to it, basically you click two choices and the game is over. It is one short scene that the reader is thrown into, with not much rationale behind the story (although I did laugh at one of the endings). I think this segment could be good with some polishing and connection to a broader story, but in the end we only have a very brief scene of what should be a tiny part of a large story, and I’m a little disappointed that there weren’t any riddles/puzzles for the reader to try their hand at.
The dialogue and character reactions were entertaining enough to lift this up to a 3/8.
-- Future on 3/5/2016 3:58:23 AM
14. Under The Bridge
Haha, in hindsight, the fact that this was in the Fantasy Adventure genre instead of Puzzle/Mystery should have tipped me off, but I was surprised and amused all the same.
Lots of lampshading and harpooning of classic fantasy tropes, witty dialogue, and some of the funniest game over pages I have had the pleasure to read. It was very well written, even if it was very, very short, and I'll save it for a rainy day when I need a chuckle.
That being said, it's was too short for me to give it a higher rating, but what's there is certainly worth the five minutes it takes to read! I'd love to see this game expanded upon, because I'm a sucker for sarcastic and fourth-wall leaning fantasy humor.
-- the_quiller on 3/2/2016 4:51:11 PM
15. Tower of Doom
The variable work here is really good. I like the idea of a randomly generating dungeon, it's really creative. The only weak point is a lack of narrative. I don't really feel invested to climb this tower, or understand who the characters in it are, or what they're even doing there. With no real motivation, you have no real reason to even make the journey.
As for how it's related to the contest, I don't really see and puzzle or riddle elements. I'd say to keep working on it and establish a narrative; maybe make it a full story!
-- Bloodsrain on 2/22/2016 9:03:43 AM with a score of 0
16. Tower of Doom
I... Um... I used that teleport thingy near the start of the game. It took me up to the alchemist's room right before the last floor and I went straight in and took the jewels... I never actually had to fight anything. :p
That aside, I think that for a short game it was really good and quite cleverly put together. I think I would've ditched the teleporter though, since it does enable to player to win the game without actually having to do any fighting.
Asides from that, a pretty major flaw with the game is that you entered it into a competition for riddle/puzzle games. This game, as far as I could see, didn't have any riddles or puzzles, so as far as the competition goes, that's a pretty big issue. Competition aside, it's cute and fun. ^_^
-- Briar_Rose on 2/22/2016 12:51:10 PM with a score of 33
17. Three Seas
I like this because it is original but you must be careful not to make it too challenging; after the first dozen bizarre stanzas I started to switch off mentally as I have the attention span of a goldfish with a serious head injury when I'm puzzled. You are very good at crafting a mysterious and unique world but at the same time if the only information we receive is enigmatic it might baffle the general reader. Overall though another great and genuinely artistic tale.
-- Will11 on 4/7/2015 7:26:39 AM with a score of 0
18. Three Keys
This was alright. It's worth reading. It has decent writing and use of items. The branching is perhaps lacking, but we are given a fair choice of endings which have their respective pros and cons, something I like. We still could have used allot more options for the wish. For example, "I wish that everyone trapped here was free." A wish is a wish, we need not limit it.
-- ugilick on 6/15/2013 2:25:59 PM with a score of 0
19. The Very Best
I liked Pokemon as much as the next guy, and I love the fact that you actually incorporated an actual battle into the game, but the game could have been a lot better of you'd make it an advanced game. (You'd be able to have more attacks, different amounts of damage dealt, etc..) The story was pretty short as well, but the writing was done nicely.
-- Mtactical on 1/12/2015 8:56:43 AM
20. The Tower: Embarking from the Far Land
I found this game not quite as interactive as the prequel, but still incredibly fun in its own way. It was great to see G(l)aile again, for one. The time mechanic was also lent an actual sense of urgency to the story, as I found myself panicking as time began to run out despite the fact that this is a storygame, haha.
There were a few loose ends - such as one page that mentioned SCORE when it wasn't referenced anywhere else in the game - and the link to the encyclopedia didn't work, so I had to guess all the quiz questions.
All in all though, worth the time to play, and still a very entertaining and gripping adventure in G(l)aile's saga.
-- the_quiller on 7/15/2014 8:56:16 PM with a score of 4100
21. The Tower: Embarking from the Far Land
Excellent use of the land and interesting, creative premise. At the beginning, and throughout some of it, the writing and dialogue is really good with barely any typos or anything; I was impressed. In certain sections, though, it seems sloppy and not nearly as good, making it seem inconsistent. Also, I'm not sure there's enough time to do many, and certainly not all side quests, I think the timer should be modified. A cool effort, could be expanded and modified to be really great in V2.
-- madglee on 3/30/2007 1:41:53 PM with a score of 4100
22. The Tower
Bravo! I think this is your best game by far. I explained in the forums how Mattias was childish, this is more mature and enjoyable. Some scenes were rushed, and it seemed as if more could have been done to them. The ending was really a downer considering it took me 45 minutes to play through. I gave it a 6/8 mainly because of the ending. I think i have the "good" ending so thats not such a downer lol. I would not consider it an epic. I also mentioned in the forum that the Track was buggy, and your death scenes need to be more realistic. I know you said not to mention it in the comments, but honestly, it does weaken the game, if you like, i can discuss with you how to make it seem more realistic.
Overall: 6/8 Well Done!
-- solostrike on 12/12/2006 5:58:04 PM with a score of 106363
23. The Tower
This was a ton of fun to play - each chapter was neatly organized and would have been good enough to be a game on their own, and we get ten entire chapters. The amount of freedom allowed in our choices made the game feel very fluid, as you even have the option to bypass entire chapters or switch to easy mode if the game becomes frustrating. Several places in the game require you to make intuitive leaps of logic, but feel very rewarding when you finally figure out what to do. I felt that score mechanic was also well implemented as it motivated me to fully explore the world and try to get it as high as possible.
The only gripes I have were that sometimes it was hard to see any difference in some of the combat choices, and it seems that the orc highway is slightly glitched as some links are unclickable or loop you back to the beginning of a loop.
All in all, this was an amazing game that was a real treat to play.
-- the_quiller on 7/15/2014 8:36:11 PM with a score of 107063
24. The Search For The Craxil
Can this be counted as one comment?
This was a great game to play. The plot obviously meant that all paths lead to you eventually making the final confrontation with the Craxil, but there were so many different paths to take in between and that was fantastic. I'll definitely be replaying this a few times just to explore the different paths.
There's only a few things wrong with the storygame (one of which you touched on in the actual story). First off, if the Craxil can read your mind, why didn't she anticipate your strategy to kill her and consequently evade your attacks? That's the problem with having an enemy that can read the player's mind - anything the player thinks of they already know.
Second, if the Craxil could morph into the form of Brandalf the Bray (I found that name hilarious by the way XD) why didn't she simply introduce the enhanced poison into society herself? It raises the question of why did she go to a
-- October on 5/8/2011 8:59:30 AM
-continued- (stupid 900 word max cut off my comment halfway through what I was saying so I hope I haven't forgotten anything)
... why did she go to such lengths to bring the protagonist to her lair (and why did she pick the swineherd in the first place?)? (I had something else to point out in my original message about this but I've forgotten it.)
Lastly, this is just a pet peeve of mine so if you like your way better then by all means ignore this, but I couldn't help but notice that all of your links had the first letter of every word capitalised. Was there a specific reason for this?
Anyway, it was a terrific read. I'm definitely glad you made this but at the same time I'm disappointed that this is what I'm up against if I want to stand a chance at winning the contest XD Congratulations, a 7 from me!
-- October on 5/8/2011 9:08:11 AM
25. The Search For The Craxil
4. Plot depth
3. Random choices
1. Why would the Craxil give me a poison that can kill it?
2. In the final battle, why wouldn't the Craxil read your mind that you were going to trick it and shoot it with a poisoned arrow?
3. If the Craxil can reconstitute itself after being injured, then why would poison kill it? Doesn't poison act physically? What kind of poison can kill a supernatural being???
Overall, a strong story deserving of a 7.
-- urnam0 on 5/8/2011 3:06:15 AM
26. The Right Way
This game was pretty promising, but feels incomplete and leaves the reader a little unsatisfied. I know you say in the description that this is a stage setter for later storygames, but it would be nice if the story lasted longer and didn't kill the protagonist no matter which path you choose. I just can't help but feel like it's an unfinished storygame.
That said, it was well written (albeit with some errors), had good characterisation and it felt like it could have been a pretty interesting story and world with some more detail and fleshing out.
-- 31TeV on 9/24/2014 6:57:15 AM
27. The Gauntlet II: Returning Home
Great. Good use of pictures, items, and writing. My only complaint is that it was a little linear, and most of the time there was one choice that continued the story while the other ended it, and other times the outcomes of the choices didn't seem warranted. Perhaps the biggest problem however were the constant typos occuring throughout the story. With a simple proofread, they could have been cleared up. Still, this is a neat puzzle game with effort put into it.
-- FazzTheMan on 7/4/2015 10:23:13 PM with a score of 0
28. The Finisher
I think your story has lots of potential but I have three big things for you to consider as you make revisions: 1. I'm not getting much of a picture because your description of setting, characters, ect is very sparse. 2. Sometimes I'm confused as to what's going on because from the beginning of the story you jump right into a plot and go. This is a gaming strategy that can be used well if you add things like memories and flashbacks of the past that help the reader understand what happened in the past that caused you to be where you are now. 3. I went from killing a girl who'd been poisoned/gone crazy to taking an arrow out of my side and returning home in hopes that the village is now safe. Did I just miss like the entire battle part of the game or what?!? Probably a fluke with your links that'd be easy to fix so from the point I was at the reader can go into the battle with the creature. Just one more thing- RATING THIS GAME. I know that everyone has a different opinion about how to rate storygames but I might bump up the maturity rating to a 6/8 for language. If you don't want to do this, please please PLEASE do what I've seen other storygame authors do and write a DISCLAIMER on the first page of the game explaining that there is a lot of language in your game. Common courtesy that I would've liked to be notified of before starting your game.
Like I said a whole bunch of potential but lack of detail, clarity, and excessive language all caused me not to appreciate your storygame as much as I'd be able to if the changes above were made. Thanks
-- AandEcoproductions on 12/28/2015 5:30:13 PM
29. The Finisher
I kinda liked it. Though the story itself is kinda cliche, it is well-written. You give a decent amount of descriptions, which makes the story definitely more engrossing.
You have also given the reader a fair amount of choices to make, most of which lead to different endings. I find it a shame, however, that most story-lines end after a choice or two. <SPOILER> For example, when I choose to go to the ravine, I get two pages without choice and then I die. I would much rather have seen some more expansion of these storylines. <END OF SPOILER>
Furthermore, like I said before, the story itself is kinda overrepresented in stories, movies, etc. A hero has to defeat a horrible evil and has the possibility of rescuing a love interest along the way. I'm not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing, but it becomes kinda predictable how the story will progress.
I have given your story a 4/8, mostly because your story is well-written, but is kinda short and feels underdeveloped in some parts.
Good luck writing!
-- Romulus on 9/13/2014 6:42:12 AM
30. The Elf Princess
First off, this was went well above and beyond the quality of most first storygames. There was a solid plot, fleshed out characters, and even a few surprising twists along the way. You also always presented plenty of impactful feeling decisions along the way, especially regarding who to trust or which course of action would be for the best. I thoroughly enjoyed playing through Katrina's adventures.
That being said, while your writing is excellent in terms of spelling and grammar, be careful with veering into purple prose, and maybe give Katrina a few traits (or curb a few others) so that she doesn't come across quite so stereotypically 'rebellious princess'. Don't get me wrong - I liked her character - but there's potential for so much more character depth that would really add to this story.
-- the_quiller on 2/27/2016 3:54:59 PM
31. The Elf Princess
For a first story, this was good. Your work shows that you put time and thought into it. However, there a few areas you may want to focus on improving for your next story in order to take it to the next level.
1) Word Choice/Show, Don't Tell - Rely on strong nouns and verbs to convey your story and limit your adjectives and adverbs to when you truly need them. This goes hand-in-hand with #2. A concise but powerful description will typically trump a long list of adjectives and paint a clearer picture. Splitting sentences can help too.
Example: The big dog ran quickly across the green grass and knocked the old lady down, who was wearing a bright pink pearl necklace and white gown, into the dirty mud.
Example: Scooby Doo sprinted across the courtyard and barreled into Queen Elizabeth II. She plopped into the mud with a shriek, as pearls scattered from her broken necklace.
^ An exaggerated example, but you can see how the second one shows a scene vs. telling a description. Unless there is something special about the color of the pearls (are they significantly rare, even by pearl standards?) then their color is probably irrelevant. By context, we can probably get a good grip of what the queen would be wearing. Unless it has relevance to the story, what it specifically is or its color can be excluded.
2) Excessive Description - You spend a lot of time describing items and physical features in great detail that aren't really all that important to the story. No one is going to remember the laundry list of colors and other adjectives that describe your character and her dress. Pick the most important, prominent or defining traits and rely on strong nouns and verbs to illustrate them.
3) Dialogue - Good dialogue can take time to figure out. When I think of an elf princess like the one in your story, I think of elegance and refined speech. Your princess spoke very much like a teenager - granted she was one. But it is important to consider how a character would actually speak based on his/her background when choosing his/her dialogue. You may very well want an elf princess that speaks like a typical teenager, but you should have a reason for it if you do. Dialogue can be a very useful tool for helping to breathe life into your characters.
I hope this helps. With a little practice, I think you could take your writing to another level. Nice work and good luck.
-- Bucky on 12/8/2015 11:51:21 PM
32. The Deeps
Overall, I liked it. It was a nice little tidbit of a story game with a nice amount of branching paths, imaginative concepts, and great description. However, it would've been nicer if there was an ending (or a path) that explained why I was down in the tunnels in the first place or a bit more backstory in the beginning on who I was playing as, but that is just my preference since I am more inclined towards the story rather than the adventure. Also, there's an ending where I chose to go to the forest to live with some animals, but I think it's unfinished since it seems to be cut short. (The last sentence was just the word 'You' without a period) I hope this helps.
-- tram2001 on 11/23/2015 10:10:18 PM with a score of 0
33. The Curse of Norgurune
This was a decent story, but I never felt particularly enthralled by it. I think the story would have been more engaging if you had used the active voice more. There were several pages where you relied a lot on the passive to set the scene, and passive voice really kills momentum.
"You ARE sitting on your throne in the palace of Norgurune. You ARE very tired, as the last few nights, you HAVE BEEN plagued by vivid nightmares. In these dreams you saw undead creatures in the ruins of your home, wandering aimlessly. You WERE also visited by a spirit that claimed to be your ancestor, Vronar Coldslayer."
That's an entire paragraph pretty much written entirely in the passive voice. If you re-wrote this in the active voice, you would have a far more engaging and exciting scene. This was on the first page of the story, and that's where you really want to draw the reader into your world.
Also, "You are very tired..." is another good example of where you can spice up the scene. You're telling us what we are. Show us... e.g.
Your eyelids droop as you rest upon your rough oaken throne in the palace of Norgurune. Every time you slumber, the same damned nightmare assaults your fracturing mind. Your kingdom lies in smoldering ruins, as undead behemoths meander through the carnage. The land belongs to snow and ice and death. But hope remains, as this prophecy need not come to pass. The spirit of Vronar Coldslayer, an ancestor of an age long forgotten, offers guidance. The fate of the kingdom lies in your hands.
Unless you have an intentional stylistic goal in mind, such as surrealism or a sense of slow motion, the active voice is pretty much always going to strengthen your writing.
You have a great framework to work with, as there are plenty of ways you could extend a vivid detailed description of this nightmare if you wanted to. It's actually somewhat ironic that you call the nightmare 'vivid,' but give only a brief and generic description of them.
Overall, I felt the story was decent, but this work could be much better simply by killing off the majority of the passive sentences and re-writing them in active voice.
-- Bucky on 3/8/2016 2:13:03 PM with a score of 0
34. The Curse of Norgurune
This story essentially takes a few elements that have been done many times in other stories - kingdoms, curses, magical weapons - however I don’t think the game offered anything original in this area (and thus there was no suspense). I did like the riddle as well as being able to explore the areas, but at some places the choices seemed to be there for the sake of it. I found a funny loop where I could attack the traveller over and over, but this did not really detract from the story. I do think the descriptions could have been improved a bit, in many cases we get different facts about the world, but it’s hard to be particularly drawn in by them, as one doesn’t overly care about the individual characters.
In the end, this story felt very average – there weren’t any major errors in the things that were executed, although the story’s linearity and lack of originality made it hard for anything to really stand out, and the ending was also quite limp. I rate this story a 4/8.
-- Future on 3/5/2016 3:52:22 AM with a score of 0
35. The Curse of Norgurune
Okay let's be honest, this one was reeeeaaaally light on puzzle content. Just the one riddle, and it was kind of tacked on, so that leaves the onus on the writing itself to carry this. And I hate to say that the characters and a lot of the plot elements felt a little bland.
I didn't sit down and analyze it all detail but I'm thinking Bucky had the right idea. Fantasy tropes and even cliches aren't anything I ever have a problem with, it's always my view that any plot can work with engaging characters and writing, but this one started out in a way that failed to grab me.
I never really got the sense the protagonist was seriously disturbed by the nightmares or that anyone was taking this whole threat to the kingdom thing all that seriously, and so I kept getting distracted by how super casual and almost apathetic everyone was about everything. The wizard and the librarian, I had to wonder what they were even being paid for, and I was just like wtf is this king even doing just strolling out of the castle and wandering all over the place on foot, lol.
There were some typos scattered around and what looked like a couple scripting errors too; for instance you could talk to the woman and the traveler and trigger their events over and over again.
You were on a deadline, I realize, but there was nothing wrong with the basic idea of it all, so I hope this gets expanded and livened up after the contest. More than the fighting and all that, I liked the idea of having to research a prophecy using various approaches and clues.
-- mizal on 3/8/2016 11:38:17 PM with a score of 0
36. The Bloods: Chapter 1
Pretty interesting story you've got going on here, and several of your scenes are doing pretty well. However, I would advise that you have to be a bit careful when doing Chaptered storygames, since there might be multiple outcomes on your future installments. If that is the case, pay heed to what you write; a story can branch out a lot of ways after this.
If that's too much trouble to deal with, you can make one large story instead, so you can keep track of how differently the player can digress from the other paths.
Good job. I want to see more of this.
-- Swiftstryker on 12/12/2013 9:02:53 AM
37. Tastes Like Chicken
This story legitimately made me laugh. I didn't even realize until I read this how much I missed this kind of wry satire when the vast majority of humor on this site falls into the category of random stupidity, which is far easier to write.
This story was grammar and spelling perfect with a very minimalist style of storytelling that kept the plot moving always at a brisk pace. I enjoyed going back and finding all of the paths our bedraggled Royal Hunter could walk. To be honest, when I first selected to choice to turn down the quest, I was 90% certain that it would send me to a dead end where I had to either restart or hit the back button, but to my surprise, the story went on! I was very impressed how almost every individual path feels like a self-contained story with the same overarching sense of dry humor that makes the read so enjoyable.
Normally, for games that are only 3/8 in length, I find them too short to be enjoyable and reduce the rating I give them accordingly. However, I found this game to be just the right length with no need for extension - it was a little bright spot in my afternoon and put a smile on my face and a craving for KFC in my stomach.
Thank you for writing this!
-- the_quiller on 8/12/2014 7:01:33 PM with a score of 0
29 more points!
Some more. Sorry for all the work End ^^;
1. Save Your Dragon
1)Linearity-wish I could choose more options
2)Spelling- at times it was off
3)dialogue- it was a little wierd sometimes
4)A little to fast paced- things could have been developed better.
1)Long- this was the perfect amount of length. Not to long or to short.
2)Battles- I really felt like I was the character in the fights which made them extremely enjoyable.
3)Characters- I found myself actually rooting for them and that I wanted to see more of them.
4) Inspiration- This was a very original game which I liked. Nice world you created.
A nice game overall. Though there were some flaws you more than made up for them. You had a great story and I loved the way it turned out. I sincerely hope that you make more.
Favorite parts: The battle against Quon
Nice job Killer.
-- JMgskills on 2/20/2012 1:38:16 PM
Hm. It's a beautiful concept that... doesn't really go anywhere. There are stakes and consequences and choices and payoffs, but no genuine build-up. There's emotion, but it has little time to develop. If I become anything less than a monster, I die. If I sacrifice everything to survive as a monster, my ultimate fate is left rather ambiguous. This feels as if it could've been made into an epic, as if it could've been something grand and gut-wrenchingly emotional or fantastically bizarre but wasn't. It could also use a bit of formatting and polishing, but eh. In the end, I like this, but I can't justify loving it and I wish I could. I wish this was fleshed out and that I knew more about this world.
-- Kiel_Farren on 1/20/2016 3:50:57 AM
3. Runes of Yeu
I really enjoyed this game. There was a certain degree of unique world-building, starting from being an anthropomorphic mushroom (or haha - a fungi), and continuing on to where some classic fantasy clichés were very subtly subverted. I still do wish this was longer since I wanted to explore more of this interesting world that was unfolding, but what's there is already quite excellent.
The pictures were fitting, the writing worked great for what it needed to do, and several of the side endings got a hearty guffaw out of me. There were a few minor places that could have been improved with some coding and variables, in my opinion (such as a timer for how many activities can be done in a single night, or an automatic black out if the player keeps clicking the 'Another Drink' link), but all in all, it was a fun adventure that was definitely worth the time it took to explore.
-- the_quiller on 3/26/2016 11:33:50 PM with a score of 35
Not bad at all, but it could use some tuning. Primarily, I wouldn't call this story 'extremely long' whatsoever. It's length 5. The adventure was cool but with a lack of background information about me, I noticed a distinct disconnect. Your grammar in the first few pages needs work but it sorts itself out as the story continues. Finally, I'd definitely suggest not blowing your own horn so much. Sentences like: "I believe this is a magnificent piece of work, showing determination, love, and trust can bring you riches....along with some help from friends." make you seem really pretentious and full of yourself even though we all know that you aren't. Good story though, has serious potential. Your writing is improving exponentially.
-- JJJ-thebanisher on 2/21/2011 3:01:05 PM with a score of 80
5. Rising Flames
The story was tough for me to follow because the grammar needs improvement. The big thing is the lack of commas, but there are occasional misspellings (painfull) as well as the common your-you're mix-up. Also, some of the sentences could have been reworded (one sentence started by saying some roads had changed, only for it to say the roads were UNchanged), and I feel there could have been more description. For two final nit-picks, even though I'm using a lot of parentheses in my comment, somehow I don't like seeing them used in the storygame to denote how much money you got, and I don't think people are gonna like the page numbers on every title. That aside, I...admittedly didn't experience the better part of the game, so I didn't rate it. I made it pretty quickly to a bad ending where everything burns. The world you've made seems interesting, and I'll probably play again if some mistakes get corrected; I'm genuinely interested to learn WHY everything caught on fire in my ending, and to see where fantasy elements really come into play. That's what a good story does; build intrigue. So anyway, good luck in your storygame-making endeavors!
-- Trish on 11/22/2012 7:37:53 PM
6. Rise of Vollund II: Koregian
Okay, first of all, it was better then your first game. However, the faults of the first game are being overlooked. In order for the player to get engaged into the story, s/he needs a character to like, reason to fight, and a goal (other then kill everything you can)
Now for some basic errors:
II saw many instances in which you allow the player to turn back, but it accomplishes nothing, since you can never return more then a page or two back.. Also, make sure you don't force the player into using the "go back" button. It's there for mistakes, but make sure you give an option to return if you didn't bring the key, for instance.
It wasn't horrible, and it is certantly an improvement from the first game, but it gets a 3/8 simply because it wasn't "fun" yet. The game looks promising though!
-- Aman on 12/12/2012 8:49:56 PM with a score of 360
7. Return to Vinia
I found this very well written and interspersed with a nice selection of illustrations that really helped set the mood. There were always plenty of choices (even if some of them led to the same place), except in places where it would make sense for the story to be linear, like in a fight sequence where the wrong move means death. All in all, it was an nice balance of storytelling and danger that I enjoyed playing through.
The story is not overly long, but does have a very satisfying ending. I only wish it was longer because the player character is quite a badass and it would have been fun to see what else he could accomplish.
-- the_quiller on 2/27/2016 2:50:01 PM with a score of 0
1. Attempt at using pictures
2. Semblance of plot
1. Random choices
2. No sense or logic in protagonist actions
3. Shallow and short
1. mini OMS maze ;)
-- urnam0 on 5/11/2011 4:13:39 PM with a score of 0
It was alright, never really captured my attention or had me enticed on wanting to know what was going to happen next, nor was it ever laugh-out-loud funny. I did notice that you usually had 3 links with 2 that went to end game links and the other that went to a new page and so on and so forth. Why write a CYOA if you're just going to give one path? :P
No, seriously, this is what we call "linear", try and avoid it because it completely and utterly destroys immersion. Great first attempt at a game though and I enjoy your writing style. I think that your personal shortcomings fall into the category of what Endmaster does best, so I would suggest reading Ground Zero by the aforementioned Legend, in order to further enhance your abilities.
-- JJJ-thebanisher on 6/16/2010 8:15:22 PM
Well, it seemed a bit linear to me, but there was one place I seemed to be able to choose more than one option and live. I am guessing you were going for a dream-state type of place, as the objects/creatures/choices inside had no particular reasoning to them, but in my humble opinion, even in a dream state, there would be some sort of thread holding things together, even if said thread wasn't at all apparent. Without some sort of thread, though, one doesn't tend to care what happens. Still a better effort than a lot I've read, hoping to see some more.
-- madglee on 10/6/2010 6:10:39 PM
11. Pirate Captain
The game is a good combat simulator and if it was just a combat simulator I would give it a 6/8. It also has no spelling error (but I'm no wizard so I could have missed one or two.) But this is an open world style game with random enemies and could almost be considered 5/8 at first glance. But there is one thing that made me laugh (not in a good way) was the ability to fight without weapons. You deal about -5 damage and receive about -5 to -10 damage. In a game like this I shouldn't see negative numbers. But here is the best part. There is no real max on your hauls health so you just don't buy weapons sail out to sea get a few hundred hit points go back to port and buy the cannon ball and musket hit the high seas and plunder every thing. You could also make the game better by adding the price of the weapon next to the weapon and the game has trouble buying new weapons as you can only carrie 2 at a time. This also leads to a inability to optimize your ship. Because you can only hold on long range wepon at a time (or two if you really want, but the damage stacks making a stronger wepon.) you ether one shot weaker foe leaving you with no loot, or you leave yourself weak and unable to fight stronger foes. There is also only a few enemies that randomly generate, letting the game get old fast. This game could easily score a 6/8 or 7/8 but all these flaws drag the game down to a 4/8, great job fix those flaws in the game and add a bit of variation in the foes and you have an amazing game.
-- Dmanxbox on 5/23/2016 4:28:46 PM with a score of 2
12. Pirate Captain
I like the concept a lot, it has a sort of free roam feel but it would be better if there were other islands and things to visit. The main danger I found was in outclassing my prey with superior gunnery and sinking them in every battle. The ships' stories and the pirates' stories were well rendered and I'd have enjoyed seeing a few more pirates! The game reminded me a little of Sid Meier's Pirates and made a good transformation to a story game, the idea is quite fun, if you revisit it and expand it, tweak a few things etc I think it could become a really great game.
-- Will11 on 11/12/2014 6:07:59 AM with a score of 2
13. Overthrown: The Makings of a God
This was a good entertaining read, and while some might criticise you for a its linearity, I think this style works and it does make it replayable.
I did enjoy this story and your writing style is pretty good, but I thought character development felt sorta empty. The protagonist's emotions and motives seem too simple. He wants to save people just because, and afterwards he feels angry because his village was destroyed. I think you could have given him more depth.
-- 31TeV on 9/11/2014 4:42:38 AM
14. Ovethrown 2: A World Without A King
Another one from before the lift of the 900-word limit on comments...
I am impressed! This story is filled with so much intense and anxiety that I could not take my eyes off the screen. You left me almost close to tears when I realised that you actually left a cliff hanger! I hadn't expected that it would end so abruptly when things were starting to get heated up!
One thing that was commendable about this story would be the way you describe the battle scenes. They were AMAZINGLY good. You had intricately highlighted every single detail and I was able to picture out everything without much of a trouble. That’s what every hardcore fan of fantasy like me looks for in a writer, and you have done a splendid job!
I also like the idea that you gave us a more variety of choices during the battles. I went through every single possible option and I really enjoyed it! Though it may still be somewhat linear (since it is more of a story than a game), I still had
-- Crefix on 4/22/2011 6:50:22 AM
Though the story may be engaging, but I would also like to point out in one particular part of the story- you stressed about how tough and dangerous an opponent Ophiotaurus can be, and how seemingly impossible it is to locate him. I was actually quite looking forward to seeing how Gaius and his band of new friends will find and fight him. However, Ophiotaurus proved be much less challenging than you claimed to be. I was actually quite disappointed with how easily they dealt with him, and all my hopes for another intense-filled battle were dashed.
My suggestion is- try to avoid emphasizing on things that may not be the main focus of the story. It may become misleading and this will only cause your readers to become disappointed in the end.
Overall, though, good job! Keep up the great work! I will be looking forward to seeing part 3! I gave
-- Crefix on 4/22/2011 6:57:25 AM
15. Mercenary Queen (Part 3): The Hemlock Band
Excellent work: your writing is error-free and enjoyable to read, it's clear you have put a lot of thought into the world your characters inhabit and you know how to make interesting fantasy characters believable. This is pretty strong stuff and reads like a good CYOA adult fantasy novel.
Normally I'm against splitting into parts but I think once a story reaches 6/8 or about in length it is ok to have sequels as long as the stories make sense if read out of sequence (I'm thinking something like the Sherlock Holmes short-stories here), otherwise just as you're really getting into the story it suddenly... stops. This is a little jarring.
The story takes you so far but it could branch out more or be developed further, I enjoyed this enough to look up and read parts 1 and 2 though :) Great work and thanks for sharing.
-- Will11 on 7/28/2015 9:01:41 AM
16. Mercenary Queen (Part 1): Escape From Essitrea
Excellent, I enjoyed this as much as your other game, good level of detail and branching but unfortunately if you follow the right branch the story ends pretty quickly... you have some of the branches link back on themselves which is good but for a story of this high quality it feels like it needs to be longer, maybe try merging all the Mercenary Queen parts into one big story and gloss it up with a few pics? Either way this is first-rate writing :D
-- Will11 on 7/28/2015 9:12:21 AM
17. Medieval Adventure
There are lots of drawbacks of this story. It could be really interesting, but there's no characterization, or plot for that matter. I'm a knight. That's all I know. That and I have enough gold to throw around whether I take the gold from the orcs or not. There's a point where it says something along the lines of "You tell the man your story" and then he is so moved, that he lends you his help in the form of militia. That's great. Do we get to be in on this moving story? There are also bugs such as you save the girl, and she follows you, but nothing is said about her again. Also nothing is said about the 'message' you have for someone in the castle. Or near the castle. I can't remember. These are just some things you might want to consider expanding on, in order to make a better story.
-- VelvetInRed on 5/23/2013 5:05:06 PM with a score of 100
18. Medieval Adventure
This game has potential. I liked the framework of the adventure and the ability to gain items and allies along the way.
It would have been vastly improved if there was more than a single line of description on each page. As it stands, the story's quite bare, and the lack of pictures means there's not much there to engage the reader. I zoomed through it in probably less than five minutes. Still entertaining, but not engaging.
Also, the fact that a 'team of men' is presented as an item with the picture of a bag implies a rather grisly way of taking them with you.
-- the_quiller on 7/25/2014 12:03:54 AM with a score of 4400
Wow, I'm glad I decided to browse around the new stories list a little, I almost missed this one completely. A solid, entertaining read, lots of good action scenes and there was a LOT more content than I expected. I hadn't noticed the 7/8 length so I was half expecting it to end after the fight over who got to be chief, and there still would've been more to it than a lot of stories here.
There were a few minor issues with capitalization (you seem to like to capitalize Random Nouns on occasion) and I noticed some punctuation errors. In particular there were issues with the dialogue tags.
"The sun wishes us good luck. We'll do well in the battle." One of the Orcs near you says happily.
"Cease your superstitions, Nagrak. We might not even fight today." Another replies.
Just fyi (since it may be easiest just to give an example) these should be punctuated like so:
"The sun wishes us good luck. We'll do well in the battle," one of the Orcs near you says happily.
"Cease your superstitions, Nagrak. We might not even fight today," another replies.
You use the period at the end of a line of dialogue only when it's not followed by a tag, and the tag itself 'he said' etc' is still a part in the middle of the overall sentence and so doesn't need to be capitalized. Even in the case of a question or exclamation mark, it would be lowercase. ("What's going on?" he asked.)
Nothing to worry too much about though, it's one of the more common mistakes I've seen people make and something I did myself for the longest time until it was pointed out to me.
Another round of proofreading wouldn't hurt (on the page Awaken, after surviving the duel with the brother, the text is chopped up like it was copy and pasted wrong) but most of the issues were small ones and more a matter of polish than anything that hurt the actual story. And the story was such a fun one, I enjoyed owning the role and picking all the most orcish options possible (Er, sorry little elf baby but I'm an orc not Spiderman... >.>) and just stomping faces in all day erry day.
I got the ending where I died after killing the elf princess on the field of battle and it was a suitably badass way to go, but I take it there were other major branches I missed?
The only thing I can think that I'd like to see added were some descriptions of the major characters, even if very basic ones. But I see you're working on another orc story, and I'm very much looking forward to it. I love when people try to tackle the idea of how an orc society would actually work, and otherwise do a little more with them than just making them mindless berserking battle fodder.
-- mizal on 1/23/2016 2:59:30 AM with a score of 0
20. Magellan 1: Race into the Great Unknown
I enjoyed it, and it was a fun game.
It definitely felt more like a game than a story. My personal bias favors more of a story feel, but the map-able in-game-universe was a cool feature, even more so if you've incorporated it into the sequels.
Something like a subplot that focuses on your interactions, relationships, dynamics, etc. with your crew would be a nice addition for a storygame like this. Anything to make me care about them. Because from this framework, they're just a number that I can't let hit zero. Unless I'm mistaken, it makes no difference if I arrive with 30 happy crewmen or just me and one Mr. No Name that went through living hell.
I was a little confused about how I circumnavigated the globe on a north/south route without ever sailing south, though. I'll just picture it as a flat world that teleports you to the bottom of the map once you hit a certain point.
Overall, it was a fun and enjoyable experience.
-- Bucky on 5/18/2016 10:04:23 PM with a score of 2
21. Magellan 3: Journey to New Horizons
You getting a lot better, but you still have a spelling/grammar mistake on the page "The Western Passage". It said, "Both Naomi and Eva below you (I forget what words are exactly after, something about anchoring)." It should be "Both Naomi and Eva bellow to you."
Also while you are getting there with character relations, keep in mind that Magellan is short, and so you should have a sort of break or pause from the story, like during sailing through empty sea, and during that moment, have the hero ask the character about their lives, provide a list of questions about things like how they grew up and why they wanted to become a sailor and stuff, so we can kind of get a feel for what they like.
Thirdly, Some characters are disjointed between stories.. For example, in Magellan 2, near the end, (SPOILER IF YOU HAVENT READ MAGELLAN 2), Leo says he loves Eva Freer, and Naomi Swift says she loves Leo. I didn't find a single mention of that, or any awkwardness, in this story. And as I mentioned in Magellan 1 and 2, make it so we can go more in depth with characters.
Finally: Cranking out a series in only a week or 2 doesn't help very much. You might as well stick them into one big story and have different chapters with short recaps of what happened between stories. You have no hook at the beginning or end, and for me, sailing stories should be longer. Where are all the hardships at sea and what happens on the ship itself? I know more about sailing than what goes on inside Leo Trapa's ship, and I don't know HOW to sail.
-- Anonymous on 4/4/2016 5:10:22 PM with a score of 1
22. Magellan 3: Journey to New Horizons
Yes, this is the author's own comment, but...I thought it should be featured ^^;
Thanks for Malk, Mason and CurseofTime for the feedback and I'm glad you enjoyed it Steve (Swift is too withdrawn about asserthing her opinions but maybe she will improve with time), I think Anonymous's comment is one of the more intelligent and thoughtful I've received recently so I will spend a little time responding.
I do make a lot of grammar and spelling typos I shouldn't (partly because I type on computers in China with dodgy spellcheckers) but especially in this series as I have a real writing enthusiasm atm. I've tried to put the storylines into the events so they develop naturally as the reader progresses through the story, I do not want the reader to miss something important because they have taken a different path. If I made the stories longer I guess they'd be different relationships to pursue but for a multiple-choice story writer I'm alarmingly narrow minded :) Haha hopefully this will change with time.
There are a few references to Leo's love of Eva in the story but I feel I should have written that more strongly. All writers write from experience or imagination and lets just say my shortfall is writing about romances :D
I appreciate your point about writing the episodes of the series too fast, it's a major criticism of mine for people who publish in parts. I believe if something has a clear beginning, middle and end and is rated 5/8 or 6/8 in length you can justify calling it a series. Homo Perfectus is a great series. This is a good series but I agree if you haven't read the previous parts there will not be much interest in the current part, a shortfall not shared by HP where ever story (in my opinion) is as good as the last. Essentially you are right I should spend more time on these stories but I consider them almost as episodes of a series rather than a feature length film. When my current career allows me enough time to write something full-length like Hunting the Ripper I'll be more happier than anyone else to shut myself in a hotel room or seaside cabin and type away for a few months.
Essentially I agree that these stories deserve a 5/8 or 6/8 if people are feeling generous, as I'm a decent but not especially talented author (unlike some of my favourite site members curse them... in a nice way) which means I need to spend a lot of time to try to put out something really good. I hope to have the time to do this soon, until then I'm content showing that not all the new stories submitted here have to be brain-torture :) (I know there's a lot of good new stories but lately for me they seem to be getting swept away by the tide of sewage... but that's probably just me being negative) :)
Anyway, thank you for everyone's feedback and thank you for everyone who has the time, patience and interest to read my written ramblings :)
-- Will11 on 4/7/2016 6:42:53 AM with a score of 1
23. Magellan 4: Search for Original Ideas
Well. I haven't been much of a reviewer lately unless it's concerned telling someone about site rules, but we're four games into this marvelous series and it's about time that I say something:
Will, thank you for your persistence in creating good, quality games. I really quite like the world and cast that you've shown us. I do have a bit of a soft spot for Leo as my name was, naturally, derived from a young sailor with a knack for leadership and passion for exploration. (And skirt chasing, but that's irrelevant here.)
The writing is obviously the main draw, as it should be, and it's quite good, (barring the rare typo that is not enough to detract from my enjoyment) and God knows we can always use more good writing here. All the tricks and glitter in the world that you can use to make a game look nice are worth precisely nothing if you cannot write, so all of you folks that think slapping a few pretty pictures on a crappy game fixes it, please take note.
(As a tiny critique, a "previous page" link would not have been amiss on the page containing the cast list. Partly because my phone hates being told to use the go back option for some reason. Also, I love your cast lists.)
The ending was very satisfying and well worth the effort. The final page was also, without spoiling much, delightfully ominous. I look forward to seeing the next installment.
I highly encourage anyone who hasn't played this series yet to get off your butt (or get on it, whichever is required) and start reading.
-- Kiel_Farren on 5/6/2016 3:14:34 AM with a score of 1
24. Magellan 4: Search for Original Ideas
I'm surprised the length on this one is a 6/8, same as the first, because there really does seem to be a lot more to it. Really been enjoying how the plot has been ramping up and getting more involved as the series goes along. This is a fantastic series and there's a lot going on here.
I'm hoping to revisit this one to give it a more detailed review--honestly I've been wanting to binge through all of them from the beginning again and really turn them inside out with multiple playthroughs trying all the options, but I saw this one languishing here and thought it was really in need of some love, like right now. :P
It really is a shame there aren't more reviews yet, but it's possible being the fourth in a series is keeping new readers who haven't read the rest away...you know we're all lazy bitches here who would rather spend five seconds blindly clicking through some terrible 2 length thing by a nine year old. Reading good stories takes time, and thinking and stuff, ugh.
-- mizal on 5/3/2016 10:45:56 AM with a score of 1
25. Magellan 4: Search for Original Ideas
Another fantastic entry in the series. It's a lot meatier than the other stories. I thought it'd end with the capture of Golden Shores, but it went on for a fair bit after with a lot of good gameplay. This game combined great gameplay with a fantastic plot and really interesting and fleshed out characters. The entry is the very best of the series, which the strongest plot without sacrificing gameplay. The only flaw would be the queen's escape, which ended up being a ridiculous kind of Villain escape against all odds when I should've just killed her. Other than that, it was an incredible game and I can't wait for the finale of the series. Well done, amazing work.
-- Steve24833 on 4/30/2016 7:28:00 PM with a score of 1
26. Love or Magic
... Listen, I won't be harsh since this is your first try. The pictures were nice and the story was... cute? But it's shallow, flat. It lacked detail and -sorely- lacked depth to the characters, the world, the goal, so on. Sure, the idea of "pick your magical monster" and "jump into their world to save it" is actually a _great_ idea. I think it has lots of potential. If you had -expanded- on that idea here? It would've been good. Also, you could use a writing mentor or a beta reader to help you with spelling and fleshing things out since it's too short, and again, needs detail. On that note...if you can't find anyone, I've been a beta for my friends for years and I've mentored a couple people, so you can message me if need be.
-- Kiel_Farren on 8/26/2012 2:18:24 PM
27. Love or Magic
Pretty pictures and formatting don't make up for the short and rather lacking amount of plot, choices, and reading material overall. I've use dmore words in a single paragraph than you did this entire story. It does have potential though, and it can become a great story one day. I suggest you write out a simple plotline and then add onto the structure that you have chosen. I'd suggest you make this a long story with few choices in it since you already narrowed it down to love or magic. good job and keep up with the improvements.
-- alienalpha on 2/16/2012 1:04:55 PM
28. Lily of the Forest
For a game created for a four- to five- year old, it was great. The correct choices all reflect morals of altruism, determination, perseverance, etc. Perhaps because this site has already conditioned me to expect 'continue or die' choices, I was constantly paranoid that something horrible was about to happen to the main character, but that ultimately proved not to be the case, haha. It was well-written with good grammar and spelling, and at a level that I think toddlers can easily understand what is going on. Pictures would have vastly improved the experience.
Outside of the context of a game for a toddler, however, I found it cute but ultimately without any sort of suspense (not counting my own overly paranoid brain). The descriptions were quite skimpy, and some of the choices such as 'keep climbing' were a little repetitive and felt a bit tedious. It didn't really bother me much and I felt that it was worth playing through at least once, but I probably won't be replaying this.
All in all, good job. I'd love to see you make a game targeted at an older audience, because you seem to have an excellent grasp of literacy and a knack for building up a great atmosphere for your story.
-- the_quiller on 7/16/2014 8:47:34 PM with a score of 0
29. Life of the Banished
I like the depth of Fantasy here: we get unicorns, mermaids, griffins, trolls etc but they seem to be taken a bit for granted. In places the detail is a bit lacking, for example if I was adopted by a clan of mermaids I'd want to know more about this weird aquatic cult who have chosen to live in H2O guarding sparkly stones.
Another case is later when given a choice of mates we get no details about them except their color, which if I was being pedantic I'd say picking a boyfriend or girlfriend based on the color of their skin seems a poor qualification, I'd suggest expanding this a little to include some unicorn-based flirting or some conversations.
Overall I liked this, the creativity was good, the prologue excellent, the choices did branch out and there was a real sense of story here with a clear beginning, middle and end (which is often lacking in stories about unicorns, wolves, cats etc); there were also no spelling mistakes that I could spot. I'd suggest the reader's unicorn either expressing surprise when encountering certain creatures or if the unicorn does take these things for granted explaining a little more clearly how it gets adopted by these creatures, and also expanding a little more on the details of the unicorn's mate at the end of the story.
Good Work though :D
-- Will11 on 10/22/2015 8:12:03 PM
30. Jack and Jill Live On 2
This story is not all that much longer than the first, and although it shows some effort, not a lot of deep thought seems to have gone into it. For one, it is very linear. There is only one storyline in this story, and if you deviate from it, you die, or get directed back to the original storyline, without adding very much. You would also be surprised at how much developing plot, character personality, and range of real choices really helps the overall quality of your game.
-- VelvetInRed on 5/23/2013 6:19:16 PM
Jack and Jill Live On 2
Nice to see you making some progress! Although this was better than the first, this wasn't too good either. It was short, linear and You need not to rush the pages. Most of the pages had 0 description and there was no background. And killing the queen was completely illogical. How come two people kill a dark queen so easily. Plunging a sword in her, really? I hope you would work harder for the next game. I can't really say that this was a good game but happy to see ya trying ;-) unlike some of the new members here. Haha. Please don't get disappointed by my comment but I can't rate you higher for your effort. I am giving it a 4 (2X better than first) and Wish ya good luck :-D! And oh! Watch out for those zombies! Yep! Right behind you!
-- Revenant on 4/16/2013 6:22:02 AM
32. Infeno Series#2 The 4 gods
That was certainly a little different from the other storygames I've read on here. It's fantasy meets Dragon Ball meets One Piece meets Harry Potter, just with worse writing.
It's at least got pretty good spelling and grammar compared to its literally unreadable prequel, but that's not saying much. Maybe this lack of attention to detail was offset slightly by the creative use of language including "thusfore", "doge", "undogable", "t6raning", "falsh", "marvloes", "disoreented" and "throught". Here's to hoping a review by Kiel one day (no I'm not going to invite him because this game is pretty damn long and he gets a lot of review requests as it is).
Talking of attention to detail, the game mechanics could have used a lot more too. The parts where you explore towns are full of bugs. I had to catch the "rabit" twice to get to the inn. I lost my Inferno scale at one point so I couldn't get taught at the school. Even where there wasn't a bug as such there was often sloppiness where the game would take you to places you didn't expect, and not in a good way.
I don't think the plot and the setting were particularly bad, but there was nothing really standout about them. I think the reason it felt so bland is that your characters didn't feel very developed. I'm sorry to say that even with supposedly emotional scenes and such, the characters felt rather one dimensional. Leo realised his family got killed by the white demon, but I felt nothing because there was no complexity of character there, only simple anger. Maybe you could have gone into more detail abut how he suffered after he was orphaned, how he managed to lead a normal life but always felt numb after the incident, how he revisited his destroyed village every year and mourned his family, how he's afraid of fire because of the incident. Little things like that can make a character more life-like, believable, relatable, but most importantly of all, interesting.
Barlow betrayed the party, turning insane and evil, but why? What motivated him? Were his intentions towards the protagonists good from the start or did he always have plans of betrayal?
Master Lee was killed but I really didn't feel bad because he didn't feel human. I knew very little about his personality and what he was like. It probably wasn't helped by such a cliche name for a martial arts teacher. There were a lot of other cliches and ripoffs from other works of fiction, chief among them "lightning blade" and "MUDBLOODED". Cliches are okay but when you go overboard it becomes a little difficult to take seriously, and I'm certain the intended mood of this story was serious rather than light-hearted and funny.
Dialogue can help a lot with characterisation. I noticed that a lot of dialogue was during the fight scenes. You can help the audience get to know characters through just normal conversation. Why not have Leo talk to Genra or Barlow during the voyage? It might reveal interesting things about their past or what their goals in life are.
Come to think of it, besides the odd exploring of towns, there was very little in the way of non-fighting scenes. It was almost always constant fighting, which becomes repetitive and tedious. You can have better pacing in a story by spreading out the scenes with high tension, such as action sequences.
I'll admit that part of me was glad when you said that your story is finished, but it's also kind of a shame that you ran out of steam and never got round to finishing this. It seems like you were in a real rush to publish this thing, and it shows with all the sloppiness and poor attention to detail. I commend you on writing a decently lengthy story, but that counts for very little with such an obviously rushed and poor quality storygame.
"Charge into the furry"
-- 31TeV on 6/2/2015 11:58:48 AM with a score of 500
33. In the Caverns
I like how you began the story with the main character not at his best health, but I do wish I knew what his hardships were ahead of time to figure out how he came to be this way. Also, I felt more like I was reading a book rather than getting to choose anything; it was too linear. Also, it isn't that realistic that you would really try to eat a rat whole. First, if it as really a rat and not a mouse, you might not even be able to fit the entire thing in your mouth. Then trying to swallow the fur and bones was rather unrealistic. Biting the meat off and eating it raw, sure, but not even a starving person would swallow it whole. Logically, pulling it apart and eating the meat would be the bit more logical choice.
The story was pretty good, though, since you could understand how your surroundings felt; I just wish it was a bit longer.
-- jkulibert2 on 4/26/2011 6:12:34 PM
34. In the Caverns
Between this comment and Madglee's :P
Gives reader the feeling of actually being in caverns
Enjoyable plot reminiscent of classic CYOA books
Semi-polished backstory and action scenes
Grammar and syntax lacking polish
Some random endings with no indications from the previous page
Not fleshed out enough, could have used a few more drafts
Too short, could have combined sequels and this into one game
-- urnam0 on 7/13/2009 6:55:47 PM
35. In the Caverns
Compared to other releases this is just absolutely incredible. On an actual scale, it's about a 3. You had an under-developed backstory which is better than none at all and you managed to have a somewhat decent structure to your pages, as well as actually using description. So it wasn't terrible, but it just wasn't good either. I never "got into it", but you do show potential. Also, this isn't long enough to be cut off. You're planning a sequel but it should have just been a continuation of this storygame. Sequels should really only attach themselves to a 7 length storygame or a REALLY good 6 length storygame. That's in the vicinity of two hundred good pages. This wasn't that.
-- JJJ-thebanisher on 8/4/2009 4:00:54 PM
36. Ignacia de Loyola
Holy cow. (or should I say holy sparrow?) It's certainly been a long while since I read anything like this, and I've certainly never seen something like it on here.
Overall, it achieves, I think, what it set out to do. The metaphor works. I might add a page denoting the in-game chapter break, just to let people have some idea where they are on the path.
The beginning is also a doozy. It's not that you can't see the forest for the trees at the beginning, it's that you can't see the trees for the leaves, and thus have no manner of knowing that a forest even exists. Trim or split pages at the beginning: multiple circular meandering paths that return to their point of origin still serve to dip us into the pond slowly, rather than tossing us in the lake with no hope of floating.
Overall, this storygame, on the surface, seems to be a dud; it looks nonsensical, and seems to be one non sequitur after another, with no real sense able to be made. But after you clear the game, come back the next day and play through it again. Do so again the next day and the paths may start making sense to you and you'll realize what a complex storygame this really is. Thanks for occupying my weekend with this storygame, and I wish you the best of luck in your future authorial endeavors.
-- MagmaArmor0 on 6/22/2015 9:50:54 PM
37. Ignacia de Loyola
So, you've gotta be 1) as bonged as I am on a normal day to complete this or 2) get drunk, go to the pub, declare your genius status, go to the castle, palm-strike the fuck out of the text, and then find the hidden meaning.
You'll see it when it says "OFC LET'S GET SOME MORE ALCOHOL EVEN THOUGH IT GOT US HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE".
Now for the real review.
If the author WAS going for the on-acid aspect, 10/10 would read again, because this just describes everything inside a druggie's head.
If the author WAS going for something meaningful that would provide the reader any benefit, he's failed. Miserably. Nothing more than an amalgam of rants, highly-contrasted vocabulary, and irrational, illogical decisions that loop back, the story takes the reader on a befuddling trip that seems to never cease with the variety of choices provide in a continual loop, with exploitations of loops and tricky hyperlinks to misdirect the reader.
For the commonplace reader who desires only to have a meaningful plot in a cohesive mode with the luxury of variations, this is nothing more than a maze that tests the endurance one so dedicated so as to make a simple comment. No thematical, emotional, psychological, logical, or even spiritual merit is derived from this.
There only lies the fact that there are choices at the bottom of the screen. If it be an analogy to the nature of the world we live in, truly, I would laud my praises upon this cesspool, but really, there is nothing to hint at this.
In fact, there are no hints to this puzzle other than the fact that one must never loop back to death.
The scripting is praiseworthy, for while it lacks the quality and actual utility many other storygames boast on about, the quantity does serve to misdirect the readers. Whether this was the author's intention or not does not matter; what does matter was that it was praiseworthy only because it would chase away all but the most masochistic of readers...or those familiar with the structure of navigating through a storygame on this site(that's about a couple of months worth of experience). There is no promotion of variation, other than the fact that even daring to go beyond the known method leads to aimless wandering.
This is a gross exaggeration of the difficulties life possesses as one learns more and more about the intricate complexities of human culture. This is because, again, there is an absence of learning from this piece of trash. There is no defined pattern, nothing that can bring to mind any non-surreal imagery.
Hence, I must reiterate that this storygame works as a piece of trash.
It picks at a respectable name (changing St. Ignatius / Ignacio de Loyola into a feminine Ignacia) into some feminine working of the mind, and continues to pick on conventional, reasonable, respectable foundations of our world by CAPSLOCKING modern-age jargon like genderqueer and such, all under the name of "being high / insane" when in fact, the writer was simply making poor attempts to veil convoluted insults within the rants.
What pains me more is that the whole story seems to hint at making a mockery of Loyola's legacy : the Ignatian Prayer, a self-reflective, rigorous type of prayer that challenges a Christian's mind by delving into his / her own life experiences to synthesize a functional hypothesis / truth, and thus would mature and grow from an analysis of either the Old or New Testament.
The Ignatian Prayer, actually, is a Christianized process of thinking that all humans undertake : the production of wisdom. For is it not true that all humans look back on their past failures and analyze them, to at LEAST question their actions and think of a better behavior (of course, acting upon these regrets is a different story entirely)? If it is thus so, then would not this so-called "story", in effect, extend its mockery to one of the most important factors of the human race's survival : learning?
It is because of this that I have given this story a 1 out of 8, the lowest possible score. For while it may have "seemed" creative to the standard person, it is only an insult poorly hidden behind ranting.
As quoted from Harper Lee : "...delete the adjectives and I'd have the facts..."
The fact is here, that this trash is deletion worthy, in spite of all the effort put into, because 1) it serves only to mock, not yield learning 2) it provides terrible entertainment 3) it's pretty much the opposite of what type of quality we demand, as stated in the front page of the site.
-- Swiftstryker on 6/12/2015 11:05:06 PM
If some of these members ever return they’re going to be a bit surprised by the number of points they’ve received during their absence.
Hehe. Yeah xD
I was wondering why I'd received 20 points for Featured Comments, now I know :D This is really good, hard work guys :D
Comments Recommended for Featuring:
1. I As a Character
Only comment so far? =\ Hmm. Maybe we can figure out why?
>>She will guide you guys to enjoy as the Alchemist in her world
I ... tend to mind if I'm confused about a story, but doubly so if I'm confused about a summary. Try to be very clear when you write the descriptions for your game and trying to be enthusiastic and colorful with your wording never hurts. The story itself is littered with errors and some awkwardness, but I'll just touch on a few points:
>>Such a pleasant sunshine.
... Not something I'd open on. Remove the 'a' and you're left with a better, but arguably not very interesting first line.
>>the enormous castle covering with green lonely vines.
The castle is covering? For who? >_> And why are the vines so lonely if they have each other?
>>Just before my leg crossed over gigantic gates
My character is crossing her legs while levitating over a gigantic gate? Or did she climb up on top of the gate and then cross them? Or does she have really long legs and she randomly decided to take a seat on top of a gate, and she suddenly remembered that guys might be able to look up her skirt?
>>Hands approaching me
... Help, I'm being attacked by Thing from the Addam's family and several of its buddies!
>>They drew their swords
I'm just wondering where disembodied hands would keep a sheath, let alone a sword to keep in it ... and how do they draw them without arms anyway?
>>Well, similar to that big swords or I can say ‘a daily sword’.
Um... I have literally no idea what this means. A "big" "sword" that she experiences daily, perhaps? :P
>>I bent myself down to apologize the customers and my boss
Bow chika wow--dammit. xD Just ... just say "bowed in apology" or something.
>>Then, I resumed my duty as a dreamy cashier
Nothing wrong with your self-esteem, is there?
>> I sighed when I saw a shadow of my head partially covered the desk.
... What? I'm sorry, why should I care about my head casting a shadow and how does this add anything to the story?
>>As before, the record had never been my concern,
I ... I didn't assume it -was- a concern.
>>If only I could find the old laboratory in this hall, it would be more interesting to me.
If I knew why there was an old laboratory hidden in a hallway inside a store where my character daydreams her life away, this story would be more interesting to me.
>>Alina(The Star-- my short story)
If this is your own work, as the author, then this is shameless. If the main character is a writer, don't just mention it in passing as if you're talking about the weather! xD Your character's passions are important. They're supposed to be, you know, passionate about them.
>>There was a white letter with 'Ms. Dora Dream' on it. That's my name.
Oh. Oh, god. My condolences. =(
>>He might suggest me to have more rest
Suggest you to who? >_>' And how are you going to help someone get more rest?
>>He might suggest me to have more rest and continued my work with higher salary
>>Just read it and found new job.
Serious question now: Is English not your first language?
>>That was easy. It's normal for people to change job very often because they had not found the right one that suited them well.
XD ... Tell my 'out of work for six months' partner that. But, seriously don't. X_x You'd lose a few teeth.
>>"Oh yes, our library offers an unlimited time for our librarian to spend their time reading and seeking every shelve that is in this library. Also, our librarian does not have to work full time. You only need to work when there are visitors borrowing books and returning them back."
-_-' What? No. Just no. In order to be a librarian, you have to go to COLLEGE for four YEARS, and they do a lot more than just organize books. A seventeen-year-old would never get hired on the spot to read books all day in between customers!
xD Volunteers do not have to go through the same training, but you're talking about a paid position as a librarian. This is not how the world works.
>>We are very lucky to find such a new childish librarian.
... I know you mean this as something positive, but this is an insult.
>> "I'm Dream. Who are you?"
Who introduces themselves only by their last name? o.0
... Sorry, I can't read much more of this, it's honestly a little painful. I can see you put a lot of effort into this story and I get the sense that there's something good lurking around in here, but you are in desperate need of an error clean-up and just general polishing on this story.
-- Kiel_Farren on 6/1/2015 10:50:05 AM
2. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Drone
Before I comment on your story I actually need to take a moment to enjoy Jesika's comment, " i like the game but there is a lot of reading to do, major turn off".
Words? Sentences? I agree, you just don't need that crap in books; where are the pictures? The pop ups? The little buttons that you press which play a Disney song? When I have a book I don't want to read it! Build book forts yes, use them to make campfires yes, but reading? Eugh!
OK, moving onto the story itself gives me a strong sense of deja vu. It's nice that you've taken a stab at improving the most famous and successful series of childrens' novels in history but unless you genuinely think your writing style is am improvement on J.K's you might want to deviate from recycling her storylines almost verbatim. There was a little creativity in places but I'm not sure what it had to do with drones or Voltaire... maybe I missed something.
I'd suggest either going for straight satire or parody if you're going to write about a well-known series or just use what you read to inspire you to write your own thing (there is the 3rd path, fan fiction, but I wouldn't recommend it, Creativity will rarely be found at the end of that road).
-- Will11 on 8/25/2015 1:22:58 AM
3. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Drone
I'm not particularly a fan of the Harry Potter books, with the exception of seeing the first three movies. I did, however, read Voltaire's Candide. I really like all the Candide references that are sparkled into this story. From the beginning, to the love interest, and so many more. The choices are fairly fun to choose from and the descriptions on each page keep you wanting more.
I was disappointed by the abrupt ending; however. I definitely think the story could have ended a little bit better. Overall, a pretty good story. You have sparked my interest in the Harry Potter novels, and I thank you for that.
-- AppDude27 on 9/10/2015 11:24:33 PM
4. Get Out Alive 2
Amusing, nice little puzzle adventure, still a bit incoherent, but better than the first.
Once again, I beat it without the walkthrough, you probably shouldn't give the walkthrough, because this game is quite beatable.
The reason why it's a bit incoherent is because we haven't idea what is going on, though that may be the point (since I bet there is a sequel in the works) readers would probably like to know more about the main character, and a bit more descriptions.
Finally, do you know how to upload pictures? Because I think the game would benefit if the pictures were the avatar of the items.
Fun and good humor 6/8
-- Tanstaafl on 9/29/2013 11:48:09 AM with a score of 0
5. Full moon's night
Really like the writing here and the dark, twistedly beautiful fairy-tale feel of the story. It's nice to read a storygame that focuses on setting atmosphere rather than throwing you into the thick of what's going on, and you did that quite well.
The plot is linear, but it works. Yet I can't help but think that if you did a few branching pathways, it might fit in very well with the forest theme. Lots of potential here you could definitely expand on.
-- SoSaidL on 3/3/2016 6:51:08 PM
6. Footink: Fantasy Cave City
Wow, this was really...good? Not at all what I expected to find, clicking randomly through new games. I read a lot of fantasy here and establishing setting details in a natural manner is often a major stumbling block, especially for beginning writers. Here, you were able to get everything the players needed to know about it and the characters across in such a simple, effective way.
As a CYOA it could be stronger in the area of 'choosing', with a few more branches available that change the story in meaningful ways. But nothing wrong with starting small for your first attempt, and you've got the whole 'writing an enjoyable story' part down pat, which is the most important thing.
Looking forward to your next attempt, and remember the forums are available if you need feedback or advice on any in progress projects.
-- mizal on 6/17/2016 9:41:56 AM
7. Escape the Snow Cave
The Snow Cave does not hesitate to dive right into the action. Playing the role of a novice explorer, readers must escape a seemingly desolate ice cave...or is it?
The choices are pretty linear in this story, with not a lot of room for exploration. I liked how we got to examine the sign in the beginning. It's minor things like that which really bring out the game and make it come to life. Other than that, however, we just don't get much of that.
I finished the game on my second play through. Overall, it's a good, quick read.
-- AppDude27 on 9/11/2015 2:48:49 PM with a score of 0
8. Escape the Snow Cave
Firstly, the story of the game was quite rushed. I felt as if the events of the game were happening so fast, and there wasn't as much detail for each as I think there should have been. Perhaps take the time to add detail and tension as you go; for example, if the yeti is about to appear in a few pages, write something about the character hearing the faint sound of footsteps, or a faint roar.
Secondly, your choices were a little uneventful. The paths were mostly guesswork, and I had to randomly choose paths in order to get through. To improve on this, you should add small hints. Perhaps write about a draft coming from one of the paths, or faint light coming from the other. Of course, you could add tricks; the light could end up being the torches you mentioned in your game, rather than sunlight.
Overall, your story has great potential, and, as it is currently, is not too bad. I wish you luck in your writing!
-- Lilitha on 7/26/2015 7:36:30 PM with a score of 0
9. Era of Shadows Yep. Too lazy to type the entire name >.<
This was an excellent first game. Generally well written and engaging.
The things I especially appreciated were:
The detail level and amount of writing given to each page, compared to most new stories on here both were high which added greatly to the readability and enjoyment.
I liked the different choices, I need to go back through and follow more paths as I was very successful the first time through and need to see more loosing paths to fully judge.
The variables worked well, even if I am yet to fail anything.
One thing I would say though against it is that despite the great branches, the overall length is short. This is clearly due to it just being a Part 1 as indicated by the ending screens but it would be much better if it was a lot longer. We tend not to like broken up stories here as they are usually too short, yours luckily was long enough by itself not to attract this ire though.
-- FeanorOnForge on 2/19/2015 2:34:12 PM with a score of 5
10. Era of Shadows
Overall, this is a very engaging story that makes very good use of the advanced editor (and will probably continue to do in the future), and is very well written.
However, there are three problems I had with the story. The first is very minor, which is the sparse (though noticeable) amount of small grammar mistakes. IT just requires a little bit better proofreading.
The second, lies with the introduction part, when you explain the concept of tension and awareness. I like the fact that you included them and described them well enough, but I personally do not see the need or reason to keep them on two separate pages. Whether it be just for the sake of adding pages, for comedy, or for some other reason, is irrelevant; it seemed a little too weird.
My last issue is the fact that you stopped the story just when it was getting really good!!!! I know that this complaint is stupid and that I personally hate cliff hangers, but dang it, man!
It is primarily because of the latter complaint, but even so, from objectivity standards, this can be no higher than a 5/8.
If you create the other portions, and then combine them into a massive story later on, you can be sure that I will rate that one and give it a 6/8 or better (depending on how you write the rest, of course).
Keep up the good work!
-- LeoScales7 on 2/12/2015 5:18:16 PM with a score of 3
Recommending a category change for a storygame:
Change to Edutainment? I feel like it's more of a edutainment game than Fantasy. There is a glossary at the end about all about the gods.
12. Heroes Save Us
Demo with a 3/8 rating. Has been published at least 3 years.
Anubis' story doesn't really feel like Edutainment to me either since other than the glossary at the end its not really teaching all that much about Egyptian mythology. I'm just going to leave it in fantasy for now.
Not sure why skugga thinks it's cultural appropriation though.
Okay. Wasn't sure about that one.
I believe the storygame is based off of an actual story in the myhtology however. Will have to research to make sure. But if it was, would it be placed in edutainment?
A bit hazy on my Egyptian mythology though I do know the plot is loosely based on a real story, but maybe I’m just not seeing the overall educational bit as the main purpose. I got the impression Anubis just really liked Egyptian mythology and wanted to base a CYOA around it.
Someone in the comments section trashed Anubis for completely mangling Egyptian mythology with this story. I’m wondering too if its still considered “educational” if it’s completely wrong. Lol.
But yeah, I guess if you do the research a bit and compare what he wrote to whatever you found and if it’s close enough, then I’ll put it in the educational section.
I don't really know much about Egyptian mythology either (Greek and Roman on the other hand...) and maybe. His name is Anubis after all.
When I search for Set vs. Horus, all I get are Set and Osiris's battles anyways, so I guess I'll go back to point-farming looking for comments to feature.
And yeah, I saw Horustheavenger's comment. xD
Comments for featuring:
1. Adventures of a Cute Cat: A poem
... I'm beginning to think I should start charging folks for unauthorized cameos. ;) (Kidding, the only one I ever really minded was by a certain Spiderman fanboy.) While this combines two lovable things, cats and poetry, I can't rate it very high.
The flow is too awkward. It's not enough to just make the last word of a sentence match up with the last word of another sentence. I've written a lot of rhyming poetry, and its ability to roll off the tongue naturally and keep a consistent rhythm is its true charm.
To accomplish that and make most of a minimalistic form of expression like poetry, careful word selection (quality and quantity) is so, so important. You had extra words where they weren't needed, but in other places, they were sorely missed, and some parts just could've been phrased better. I also noted a few general mistakes. (Like spelling "anger" as "angre")
The content of the poetry is kinda random, which I don't normally find too compelling unless it's very funny or very, very creative.
The length of my play through was acceptable given the format, though you abandoned your rhyme-scheme a bit jarringly less than halfway through the last page of that one. I think you may have gotten caught up in telling the story instead of writing a poem--which, we are here for a story, but if you're going to make a gimmick the main feature _of_ a story, I'd strongly recommend consistency. And if you can't multitask with enough effort given to both, I'd recommend just telling the story straightforward.
That said, I am not calling this bad. It's better than about half the games I've subjected myself to on here, but I'm very fond of poetry and thus, very critical of it. I'd recommend reading/re-reading works like "The Raven" when studying flow--personally, I can't read it without wanting to read aloud because of its rhythm.
-- Kiel_Farren on 2/21/2016 1:40:31 AM with a score of 0
2. Also, can a geared for children tag be added?
3/4. Long Way From Home
Hey everyone, I'm the person who told mnelssx about the glitche where you can't leave a comment and rating so you're welcome! Alright, I believe this is an amazing story. No grammar mistakes is a huge plus because I'm a grammar Nazi. Although it was short it doesn't bring down the quality of the story.
It is a game of luck and I bet some of the more experienced couldn't even pull of the game in the story. The game is basically you bet some or all of your starting gold and try to get enough money (400 gold) to ride on the train back home. If you can't get this money you will try to sneak onto the train, but the gaurds catch you and throw you in jail.
I really think this is good, but it needs more games. My final verdict for Long Way Home is a 6/8.
-- 11302 on 7/11/2014 11:34:53 AM with a score of 0
Glad you got the issue with leaving comments sorted out. I don't understand scripts or variables or whatever at ALL so I'm always super impressed when people can pull this kind of thing off with the editor, and I played quite a bit last night because it's a fun little game in its own right.
One bug I did notice was that if you wind up at a draw (or maybe just if you wind up at a draw with the last of your money tied up in the game) you don't get a link to continue or end the game or anything, you're just stuck there.
And I sort of felt that after the huge page of text you get when you lose (5 years in prison for trying to sneak onto a train without a ticket? Hmm, harsh but fair...) the actual winning screen was a little underwhelming.
-- mizal on 7/11/2014 11:23:58 AM with a score of 0
Game for tagging:
5. The Midnight Monster 2
Reasoning: First in the serious has a humor tag, this is more of the same.
6. Rylee Greening: Champion of Fitness
-- Kate on 6/20/2016 7:09:02 PM
Recommending comment for featuring:
7. Before Midnight
Wow! I'm really impressed. Very well done. I don't usually play school based story games, and this one caught me by surprise. It was fun, well paced, and for some reason I actually felt stressed about getting the paper in on time. It felt odly realistic enough (not that i have been in that sort of situation before), and I was so overjoyed about being able to get away with an A, that I didn't dare try to replay to get the ten pages for the fear of being in that horrible yet strangely exiting situation again. The secret ending was just :) short and well worth the time
-- temp on 8/28/2016 7:58:21 PM with a score of 9
Recommending storygames for tagging:
8. Through the Garden Gate
9. Snow Love
10. Comment for deletion in the above game Snow Love:
bettah dan reese cups, cuase does tings r grossss.
-- Christy on 5/4/2016 3:47:33 PM
Reasoning: Grammar. Also, somewhat incomprehensible.
(Yet) more comments for deletion:
11. Tastes Like Chicken
-- gemstone30121 on 8/17/2016 9:50:28 AM with a score of 0
12. Also a Fantasy tag to accompany the humor tag?
Storygame for tagging:
13. The Right Way
Comment for featuring:
14. The Search For The Rumored Treasure
Okay, first off: not bad. You're absolutely right that this is more story than game, with only a handful of choices to be made. I would definitely consider having more options available next time, and having them be meaningful differences, rather than only changing the text on a single page.
Secondly, YOU WROTE THIS WHOLE THING ON YOUR PHONE? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Seriously, though: that level of perseverance is impressive.
Thirdly, the writing style overall was...adequate. There's definitely some minor mistakes throughout, but they don't overly detract from the story, so that's not too bad. The plot itself is decent, although it seems very predictable.
Two more comments and then I'm done: the warning about *spoilers*
leaving the treasure alone because it's the captain's treasure is never really resolved. I expected a trap, or a curse, or something, but no real consequence occurred.
The other comment is that this seems to be directed towards a younger audience (one that's about the age of the protagonist). If that's the case, it's well done, and should be interesting to readers of that age. If you write more in the future, I hope you'll adjust that style so that it fits whatever audience you choose to write for next time.
All in all, a solid effort. It bears a lot of the marks of "this was a story that I wrote and then added a few token choices so I could post it here" syndrome, but the story itself is solid. Next time, though, start with the understanding that it's a story-game, and try to have equal parts of both.
-- MagmaArmor0 on 7/18/2015 2:04:28 AM
Comment for deletion:
15. The Awesume
-- omgitschowhall on 6/29/2016 10:18:07 PM with a score of 0
Overall, an great concept, intersting story, but disappointingly falls short, not utilising the game's full potential. 5/8
There were too many spelling error, merging of storylines and some continuity errors. The usage and changing of the font and font sizes are confusing, and most likely distracts and thus break the immersion the reader might have.
----Major spoilers from this point onward----
(*Ending to me means reaching the epilogue.)
Right at the start, choosing either deviously or honourably, other than adding a small part, has no 'real' effect on the *ending of the story, choosing either to return home or go on an 'adventure' is the first branch in the story that can affect the *ending. Either choice, a girl named Helena is mentioned, however her part of the story is only so brief. Choosing to return home leads to 'YEAR 15'. At 'YEAR 15', the second 'real' branch in the story but only 2 out of 5 choices leads to proper epilogues (1.being a preacher and 2.opening a business then becoming a preacher is considered as the same to me.), and the other choice to become a soldier/mercenary, could be reached by going on an 'adventure' in the first branch. By becoming a mercenary, even though there is a point with three choices, two of the three choices merge into a single epilogue. By becoming a soldier, there is a 'choice' which teases you, where by when choosing to 'become a battle mage' it tells you of an ambush before the storyline merges back with choosing 'Stay a soldier'. And again, the split when Poseiden speaks to you, one of the choices merges the story with the choice of becoming a mercenary.
1. Due to the many merges, the story feels much more linear than it actually is,
2. Events mentioned but not elaborated upon, makes the work feels incomplete and rushed,
3. That it could have had branched out a whole lot more, especially the parts of dabbling in dark arts and becoming a battle mage.
4. Also the fact that there is no choice to truly interact with Helena despite her potential to be a love interest is a gigantic disappointment.
I honestly hope that the author would one day return to and update this story.
-- T1loltractor on 5/31/2013 12:57:51 PM
2. Dugeon master
It was both better and worse than I was expecting. I'm not a fan of stories being released in parts. Write your full story and release it all as one game. You really need to work on your dialogue and basic grammar format.
#1 Correct: "Kill the bat," said Joker.
#2 Correct: Harley's lips curled into a smirk, as she aimed the mini-gun. "You got it, Mr. J."
#3 Incorrect: "Kill the bat." Said Joker.
You were doing the latter in just about every occurrence of dialogue. The final word that is within quotes will end with either a comma, question mark or exclamation point. If you are attributing speech with a dialogue tag, such as in #1, the tag (said) is lowercase. The dialogue tag is not its own sentence.
#2 showcases how you can attribute dialogue to a speaker without a dialogue tag. In this case, we show who the speaker is by having them do some kind of action in the same paragraph as their dialogue. This is a complete sentence, and it needs to be capitalized.
In general, dialogue tags distract the reader from the story, so 'said' and 'asked' are typically the only tags you should use 90% of the time since they are the most neutral and fly under the radar better than 'shouted,' 'cried,' 'cooed,' etc. Modifying a dialogue tag with an adverb such as - Harley screamed happily - is pretty much universally considered a terrible idea on top of an already poor idea.
I hope this helps.
-- Bucky on 12/5/2015 1:38:41 PM
Uhh... Well I think the game could've been good, except most of it didn't make any sense. At the beginning you leave home because an unknown foe is looking for the dragon. How do you know about that? And after you sneak past the guards, all the villagers are talking about how the guards are looking for someone who snuck past them... If they didn't see you, how do they know you snuck past them? If they did see you why didn't they just arrest you there and then? Then near the end I got arrested and taken to jail... And then suddenly I was out of jail with no explanation of how I got out. I think you could probably write a better story game, but you need to make sure that everything in your story makes sense before you publish it.
-- Briar_Rose on 3/22/2014 6:45:57 PM with a score of 0
4. Dragon Tale
This story has a massive amount of potential. It was really well-written save for a few subtle technical errors, and I was really into the story since the very first page.
The part where it asks for a character gender could've been more subtle and realistic—who forgets there gender like that?
I was disappointed when the storygame ended with the dragon charging at me, and either selection (of dodging or holding on) ended the storygame so early.
The story could've been a lot longer for its backstory, and otherwise, nicely done.
-- Crescentstar on 8/5/2016 12:43:43 PM
5. Dragon Tale
Interesting concept and compelling story. Unfortunately, your poor use of grammar makes the story practically unreadable. Also, it lacks good flow, and I agree with Swiftstryker that there should be a more compelling reason for humanity to want to fight the dragons. I mean, yes, we do 98% of what we do out of greed, but in a story, that's just boring...unless the point of the story is that humans are jerks (Avatar, Aliens, etc.). I could understand humanity revolting if the dragons were requiring them to sacrifice the firstborn child of every family...or something. I give it a 5/8.
-- jamescoker1226 on 5/21/2014 9:06:46 PM
6. Dragon Rider- Lost Memory
It's a cool idea, it seems like there's a neat fantasy world behind the story.
Things you might want to consider improving:
-Using the different colors with no attribution was incredibly difficult to understand. Okay, green is talking now- which person was green again?
At first I thought maybe it intended to complement "I have amnesia and I don't know who anyone is" but even so it's too confusing.
-A choice-based story needs to have actual choices, a branching storyline. From what I saw the only options were "right choice continues" "wrong choice leads to game over."
-there's a lot of awkward phrasing, which I suppose is because it's translated. I bet if you asked, someone would volunteer to proofread it.
Overall: it seems like a decent fantasy, but (mostly because of the dialogue format) it's very hard to understand what's happening.
-- Sethaniel on 8/28/2015 9:10:48 AM
7. Dragon Rider- Lost Memory
There's this word I learned in my AP English class back in high school. It's Oxymoron. It is a word that contradicts itself. An example of this would be "Big shrimp" because big means "huge!" and shrimp means "tiny".
When reading this story, the oxymoron that comes to mind is plain fantasy. How can a fantasy world with so much be so plain?
First off, I must say that your English translation is pretty good. Great job for effort!
The story itself; however, is not up to par when it comes to quality and length. Your character wakes up with no recollection of how they came to be in the forest. As the story continues on, there's no regained memories, no process of change.
There are several characters that help the narrator, but it's really hard to follow what they are saying. Thank you for the color coated responses, otherwise this story would've been completely unreadable.
Overall, this story could've been a lot better. It's missing a lot of potential. I would recommend unpublishing it to add more information about the characters, the process of regaining memory, and being more descriptive about the fantasy world that you have created.
-- AppDude27 on 9/10/2015 3:55:05 PM
8. De Milite Inprudenti
Overall, the story was fairly interesting.
I don't know how you did it, but you were able to put that cool dragon head in the description, and that certainly makes a good impression. That, and the use of the dragon as the narrator brought a refreshing spice to your story and narration (oh, the irony).
The story was relatively short along with the descriptions, but everything seemed to be well written, and I found myself laughing-especially toward the end. My only concern was that you may have a page-link error. Right after I left the hall of skulls, the page brought me to a page that said I cleared the lava-pit. I don't know if it was intentional, but you may want to fix that, even if I was still able to finish the story.
Either way, it appears as though this is one of the well-thought out stories of recent memory.
Don't you be thinkin' that I ain't never gonna not give you any sort o' score! 5/8.
-- LeoScales7 on 4/1/2015 2:26:42 PM with a score of 0
9. Dad's Birthday Adventure:
Dad's Birthday Adventure felt like a cheesy Brendan Fraser movie for some reason. Father and his family get kidnapped, father must rescue children and wife (which plays the classic damsel in distress), Good triumphs over Evil, everyone's happy. The End.
Hero's journey-esque tale aside, the story isn't too bad. The characters all have consistent personalities. The choices are pretty linear, but do let you explore a little bit.
I did like the puzzle solving elements. Those were pretty good. Great job on that. And good job using the advanced editor!
Overall, a decent story.
-- AppDude27 on 9/11/2015 3:00:32 PM with a score of 0
10. Can Anybody Escape?
This was an interesting idea and had basically good spelling and grammar. Sadly two main points stood out to me. Firstly most of the pages were single lines followed by choices. Secondly it seems to mostly be 'pick a random option' due to no description or info to base it off and the wrong option was always an auto-death.
If you flesh out the descriptions a bit and cut back on the Iinsta-deaths for random choices it could be good
-- FeanorOnForge on 7/30/2014 5:47:03 PM
11. Blue Light Saga
Not bad, I guess. I liked the overall story, but I didn't really like the way you have written it. I don't know if you did it on purpose, but the movie-script type of writing isn't exactly nice to read. It really distances the reader from the story itself and makes it hard to identify with the characters. I'd also advise you to write some descriptive text, instead of describing your characters through a list of descriptive features.
I also found the story a bit vague, but though I'd love to have had some more background, etc. I guess that it kinda fits with the general mystery theme of the story.
I also find it a bit of a shame that you labeled the endings as '...'s ending'. I think I would have liked it better if you gave me a choice like 'Azure does this and this' so I still have to guess what is going to happen.
I have given your story a 4/8, mostly because I liked the story, but I didn't really like the way it was written (see above).
Good luck writing!
-- Romulus on 9/13/2014 6:53:50 AM
12. Blue Light Saga
This wasn't a bad storygame. There was definitely a fair bit of plot and character development. I have mixed feelings about the vagueness of it all. I felt like in some ways it fit this story well but at the same time I think you didn't tell the reader enough for them to become invested in the story.
I have to agree with Boringfirelion about the lack of choices; while at first sight it looks like there's a lot of branches, only certain choices get you to the more interesting endings.
-- 31TeV on 9/11/2014 12:47:12 PM
Okay, I'm done now :P Sorry for telling you to wait on me for a bit.
Anyway, everyone's suggestions have been dealt with.
Or are they? X3
Hmm, I got fourteen, was something rejected? owo
Left the "boring" comment.
The one word comments tend to be a roll of the dice, I tend to still leave them up as long they are at least spelled correctly and aren't being left by an obvious troll. (Like Chowhall for example)
Comments Recommended for Featuring:
1. A Tale of War: Thragnazil
A good game as a whole. However many of your options say in the game, do this or die. Guess what if you do that you countinue the story if not you die. Also the surrender scene ends realy fast, almost mid sentance. As far as I can tell there wasn't any spellin error, (but I'm no wizard so I may have missed them.) The story was great and all the detail realy brought this game to life, giving me some thing to realy fight for. The game also tested for morals, as you can slaghter a city of your kin if you so choose, and can end up saving the king or a large number of dwarfs. Again as a whole the game is great, but short and in the end you have a feeling of hopelessness. But you are fighting the army of death so the mood is rather fitting. 6/8 for whole story game 8/8 on your writing, can't wait to read more of your stories so hurry up and puplish them! ;)
-- Dmanxbox on 12/9/2015 12:04:52 PM
2. A Hero is Born
Replace AspiringAuthorCook's comment?
You have creativity but do not express it very well in this story. It literally took me 5 minutes to get to the end. The character development was atrocious. I knew next to nothing about Sparrow and Raven and where they came from. I didn't know what they look like, I didn't know their personalities, I didn't know where they were headed. Also there's no fluidity. There are so many plot holes you'd think I was looking at a piece of Swiss cheese. First off, where in the hell did a farm boy learn to fight well enough to take on five boys, who more than likely had some formal training, single-handedly. Second, where is Thull Forest from his home? What lands did he have to travel through? Was he being chased? How long did it take him to get there? Third, how did the black hand find location? Who told them? What gave him away? Also, if he assaulted five black hand and that is such a heinous crime to cause him to leave home, why was his bounty only 50 gold? Finally, where for fucks sake did the Griffin come from??? Where did they meet? How did they become friends? And if they were seen running off towards the Griffin why were they not followed? If the black hand could scry in on them, why did he not follow them? I'm starving here man, and this story barely has enough meat in it for a single mouthful. And before you start this is just an intro two the sequel game, that does not excuse your laziness. If you're going to write the entro as its on game it needs to be able to stand alone. Sadly this does not. Hell it took me longer to write this comment than it did to read your story.
-- DaCaRi on 4/11/2016 2:41:14 AM
3. A Dragon's Legend
This is hilarious. Please. This needs to be featured. I also need to have this as a quote on my profile X3
Let me start by explaining why its completely idiotic for you to try to extort only possative comments. Imagine if you will that you have a friend who wants to learn to cook. He tries out several different recipes and combinations of ingredients in an attempt to improve his culinary skills. One day he invites you over to try out to taste test his new "culinary masterpiece. You arrive at his house and see he's attempted to make a rice dish from scratch. He tells you to dig in and tell him what you think, but he requests that you only say possative things about his food. You give it a try and find out he didn't use near enough seasoning and the rice is extremely bland,if you've never had bland rice imagine oatmeal without any butter or sugar. Now you think the rice tastes like shit but he asked you to only say nice things, and you wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. You tell your friend that its the best rice you've ever eaten and that its one of your favorite meals he's made. Now you're reluctance to say anything negative about your friends cooking has got it into his head that you really like his rice. Thinking you like the dish he decides to make it every time you come over, and you get stuck eating bland, shitty tasting rice. Well I hate to break it to ya bud, but this story is bland rice. I don't know about you but I dispise the taste of bland rice, and I don't want to be stuck eating it. Now that my extremely long winded, and more than likely rather boring analagy is finished, let's get to my "positive" feed back on your bland rice story. Bro... It reads like a second rate children's story. There is little to no details to create a mental image of the characters, the setting, or the characters way of thinking. All of the characters have the same bland way of acting and speaking to the point where it looks like someone decided to put on a one man play when they have no knowlage of the art of acting. When developing your characters you gotta have a multiple personality disorder. What to know what that looks like? Take a look at anything written by @EndMaster. The detail used in describing what everyone and everything looked like remindes me of a picture made by a kindergargener just learning draw. If you want to capture someone's attention and draw them in, you've gotta act as if you're describing the sunset to a blind man who's never seen it before. We are all blind in the world you've crafted in your head. You have to use your words as paint and our minds as your canvas and paint us a damn Picasso or Da Vinci class picture. Now as I bring my rant to a close I only have one more thing to say. I can be a grade "A" asshole, so its really not a good idea to order me to pull my punches. All that's going to do is piss me of and cause me to lay you out flat on your pansy ass cryind out to momma.
P.S. @EndMaster pleas don't hurt me buddy cause I really do like your stories.
-- DaCaRi on 4/9/2016 2:37:30 AM with a score of 0
4. A Dragon's Legend
I liked the fact you asked for no negativity in reader feedback, it’s a bit like a director saying “Here’s the new film I made, y’all just say nice things about it now you hear?” :D
I did like the story game and thought it was all put together quite well with a decent storyline, spelling and grammar etc. My siblings were just names though and it would have been nice if they had all had individual personalities. I preferred this to Warrior Cats but I think a Dragons versus Warrior Cats story might be enjoyable as long as the dragons won.
-- Will11 on 12/23/2014 7:27:14 PM with a score of 0
5. 1st Invigilate
Wow! That was... challenging! What an amazing piece of Scripting went into this - truly impressive! I wish I could rate it higher (and I would give it an 8 on Scripting alone), but I found it a bit too challenging, to the point that it wasn't fun all the way through. It sort of got tedious after a few matches and I was really really glad when it was finally over. If it had some more color or story to it, or was paced a little better, or was easier/shorter in some way, I would rate it higher.
-- BerkaZerka on 7/30/2014 7:37:16 PM with a score of 0
6. Zeroes and Ones
The adventure tries to combine Hollywood hacking and internet 1337... While using extremely bland humor and insta-deathlinks.
This type of game- The PICK WHAT THE AUTHOR WANTS OR DIE- type of game is highly fustrating to play, this is a CYOA, it wasn't supposed to be so linear. It gets bad from the point where you get to pick Revenge, Ice Cream, or toilet. Now toilet doesn't do anything beside adding another useless link in the game, with Ice Cream, you get arrested because all you did was hacking A TOASTER, now only Revenge is the correct choice. Why did you add those useless links anyway if you wanted us to pick Revenge? This carries on to the rest of the game, good god.
Deathlink issues aside, the game tries too hard to be funny. It's like some 12 year old freshly graduated from meme school and went here to do his magic. At least it didn't have grammar and spelling mistakes. (if 1337speech doesn't count.)
If you are aiming to make this game as fustrating as possible, then I'd suggest leaving it this way, but if you want it to have the characteristics of an actual CYOA game, then give us more options on what to do that changes the plot without killing us, over and over.
-- ViktorVektov on 7/6/2016 4:12:05 AM
7-8-9. World Wars: Beach Landings
You lost my respect with your description: "Quite linear, but a nice story!" and I will tell you why. First of all, being linear is a serious issue with CYOS. It is not something you hand-wave, not unless your writing is damn amazing, and it's still a flaw even then.
Two, if you have to console me about a game's flaws before I even play it, I immediately lose interest. Three, I hate being told "this is really good" by the writer. Show. SHOW me it's good, don't tell. It sounds both arrogant and insecure to put that in your game summary.
You just ... do not tell the reader how to feel about your game. Now, I understand if you put a warning: "This is my first story game, please be kind" or "this is really bloody, some of you may not like it," because that's different.
That's asking for constructive criticism when you're just starting out (rather than flames,) or just respecting the sensitivities of other people.
The story itself isn't bad, but this place is for story -games-. If a game is linear and not challenging, it tends to be boring. Honestly, your writing is pretty good, but I think you could've done better and I find it even worse that you -know-, because you pointed out yourself that the game is too linear. I hate to see a story fail to live up to its full potential.
-- Kiel_Farren on 9/20/2014 9:41:28 AM with a score of 0
I see potential in the theme of this storygame, but I feel it wasn't done as well as it could have been.
First of all, it was incredibly easy to get to the 'true' ending, and in fact I managed it in one go. Props to you for making it so more sensible choices resulted in progress and the opposite true for reckless decisions, but I felt this was too true in this game. For example, it's very obvious that you shouldn't, as a lone footsoldier in an exposed area, try to shoot at heavy machine gunners behind solid cover. It's clearly better for survival to get behind cover yourself.
I always hate those 'east or west corridor' kind of choices when the author gives no indication of any difference between them. Your left or right side of the crate thing was no exception. On top of that, the player's decision had absolutely no effect on the story. There were other choices where I felt it should have branched off into different paths due to different things happening but they led you through the same path. More branches would have been nice.
I agree with Fazz and I didn't really feel anything when the protagonist died at the end. You rushed pretty much straight away into action with no stories to tell about the other soldiers, although you mention that they did have their own stories. There was at least some story for the protagonist, but I think you could have done with developing the soldiers' backgrounds more. I did like the way you wrote parts of the letter in between the main story but I can't help but feel it would have been more powerful had we gotten to know the main character more.
Your writing style is pretty good and you were fairly descriptive. There was the odd part where I did question your choice of words, but overall it was well done in this aspect.
Another storygame for this could be good but I would want you to improve upon this one.
-- 31TeV on 9/9/2014 9:50:05 AM with a score of 0
Eh. Kind of iffy, I feel as though more effort could have been put in.
Well, here is the first problem: I just read a storygame, in which a heroic soldier died in one of history's most famous onslaughts, yet, I didn't shed a feeling about the protaganist at all. He had friends/family back home, and he was leaving them behind, he took wounds, he died, it just didn't affect me at all. I think you need to amp your character development. You need to build onto the character, show what they are feeling. Thinking. Not just, "You walk over there and shoot a dude,", no, please make sure to make it so that the reader FEELS like they are the protaganist, flesh 'n' blood. Instead of me going "eh," when the protaganist dies, you should make me feel something. That's the key in character development.
Character development isn't al about YOU (protaganist), keep in mind, it is also other people. So, instead of reffering to your fellow soldiers as "comrades" or "brothers", you could describe them and such etc.
Going with this, the writing could also be perfected. It wasn't the worst I've seen, no, but I definently felt that it could be worded, written, and described better. So, instead of "You ran up to the dude and shot him," you could sculpture out the scene and paint images in the reader's head, as well as facturing in the protaganist's own thoughts.
If you are going to write a historical story like this, I think you should do some research on World War II, specifically Normandy Beach. We just have a unranked soldier running around, shooting people, dodging machine gun fire, and breaching out bunkers. I'm 100% sure that is not how Normandy Beach went down. I haven't done research in Normandy Beach, because that's your job, but I remember this old game called Call of Duty 2: Big Red One. Anyways, there was this one Normandy Beach mission, and it had you with a SQUAD as (INSERT RANK HERE BECAUSE I FORGOT) while you cleared out machine gun nests.
The point I'm trying to make is that you should, in order to make your story //that// much more realistic, incorporate actually happenings from Normandy Beach into this story. For example, I'm completely sure that each soldier was in some sort of unit or squad, not just walking around, by themselves, clearing out bunkers. That doesn't seem realistic at all.
4/8. Consider these, man.
And I'm supportive of this as well, although the final present. should be better.
-- Fazz on 9/2/2014 10:17:55 PM with a score of 0
Thanks for all of the work you've been putting into doing these updates EndMaster. By the time we're all done looking around, most of the stories should be pretty polished up with tags, comments, categories, and such.
1. What if - Add Fantasy tag
2. The Orb of Detroit - Add Fantasy tag
3. Hansel and Gretel's Great Escape - Add Fantasy tag
4. Death Becomes You - Add Fantasy tag
5. Treasure Adventure - Add Fantasy tag
6. Dragons - Add Fantasy tag
7. Crown the King - Add Fantasy tag
8. Sparkling Forks - Add Humor and Fantasy tags
9. The strangest apocalypse ever - Add Post-Apocalyptic and Zombie tags
10. Jack and Jill Live On 2 - Add Fantasy tag
11. StoryTime!! - Add Humor tag + Change Category to Modern Adventure
Note: The entire thing seems to take place in a modern setting, with references like "1983 Harley-Davidson V-Rod MuscleMot". While there's a lot of goofy random elements, there's not a lot of actual "fantasy" to it, so the Modern Adventure category likely makes more sense.
12. The Aeneid - Unpublish Storygame (or add Fantasy tag, if it stays published)
Note: The Tornus and Venus links at "The Shoreline", "Marriage", "The Battle", and "Mutual Destruction" pages crash the game and give a "Server Error in '/' Application." That could be due to scripting issues, I assume. Combine that crashing with how the story loops around for a very long time, and it's only gotten ~30 ratings after 1K+ times played since 2012. The description also says the game is under construction, implying it was published knowing there were issues. It has some interesting ideas, but I recommend unpublishing due to the chance of crashing making it un-fun to play through.
13. Raceia - Add Fantasy tag
14. Pirate Captain - Add Historical and Advanced Editor tag
15. Demons Stole the Sky - Add Fantasy and Advanced Editor tags
16. Herobrine - Add Fantasy tag
17. The Lost Island - Change Category to Modern Adventure
Note: Survival story following a plane crash, based on the story of Robinson Crusoe. No notable fantasy elements to it.
18. The very short tale of Bara - Add Fantasy tag
19. My Life as a Magician - Add Fantasy tag
20. Sora (Chapter 1) - Add Fantasy and Romance tags
21. A Dragon's Legend - Add Fantasy and Animal Perspective tags
22. A Dragon's Life. ~Chapter 1~ - Add Fantasy and Animal Perspective tags
23. Blue Light Saga - Add Fantasy tag
24. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Drone - Change Category to Fan Fiction
Note: Currently in the Fantasy Adventure category, but as a Harry Potter themed game that heavily follows the books, it should be in Fan Fiction.
25. Mission X-17 - Change Category to Modern Adventure
Note: A survival game that takes place in a modern setting, due to featuring things such as a fire extinguisher, a scientist, and a modern facility. Doesn't really have any fantasy elements to it.
26. StoryTime!! - Featured comment
The idea of being stuck on an island is a tried and true formula, so it's ok, but you need a clear story and problem, with developed characters. You should also make this game longer! All in all, not the best game in the world, with a few big problems, as well as a very directionless feel. Fix those problems and it will be a good story.
-- Amy2 on 1/27/2013 6:50:44 AM
27. Demons Stole the Sky - Featured Comment
The writing was ok and the story was interesting but the plot is based on getting a large number of items that makes things very repetitive. Also some of the deaths are a bit sudden and the spelling, grammar and some of the links need clearing up a little, original idea though :)
-- Will11 on 11/9/2014 11:30:35 PM with a score of -1
28. The Adventure into Albanon: Chapter 1 - Featured Comment
Seems like a good start to the series, but it feels to me like the series is unnecessary and probably could be put into one big storygame. The problem with splitting a series into multiple games is that there's less room for branching and alternate endings.
That said, seems like you've got a good set up with solid characters with a proper backstory.
-- 31TeV on 9/24/2014 10:33:22 AM
29. My Life as a Magician - Featured Comment
Not bad :)
The only suggestions I would make would be to break it up a little more with paragraphs and to give the reader a little more info on the Headmaster, before the encounter/run in to make the choices seem more logical. Other than that, really good game!
-- BerkaZerka on 10/9/2013 1:16:49 PM
30. Sora (Chapter 1) - Featured Comment
I really don't like the choice of using (your name) throughout to indicate the player's name. Just pick a name.
Also, it falls into the common VN trap of "one choice locks you onto a path."
There are a lot of grammatical errors, even in the description. "One of the girls are a bisexual?"
-- Sethaniel on 4/11/2015 10:37:43 AM
31. A Dragon's Life. ~Chapter 1~ - Featured Comment
Spelling & Grammar Errors-
Many words used in place of others: "We caught a baby dragon! I can't believe not on single dragon was there to protect it!" One of the figures say. What is going on? Are those humans? Where am I? You look around. It seems you are in a cage. You go to the entrance and see that your in a car.
TWO CORRECTIONS- 1) "I can't believe not on single dragon was there to protect it!" (it should be: not a single dragon)
2) Where ye wrote about being in a car: You go to the entrance and see that your in a car. (it should be: see that you're in a car. ye are showing that the baby is put into the car by using the word YOU'RE & not that the baby owns the car using the word YOUR). These errors are the biggest problem i have seen with this storygame.
Storyline was good & decently entertaining, though it would have been better with MUCH MORE descriptions: your body, your abilities, the other dragons looks & abilities, ect. The length of the story was "ok", it could've been much longer with the right amount of detail & proper description.
I ranked it a 4. It could've been much better, but it's a good start to what could be a great adventure! Fix the errors & problems i have noted & it will most certainly become a great story.
-- bearclaw01234 on 1/22/2015 9:27:59 AM
Comments for featuring:
1/2. Why I left you
This was certainly moving... I'm not sure I should comment on this in anything except describing the writing style because it was so personal but hopefully the act of writing this has helped clarify a difficult situation somewhat. Personally I like to think I'd be able to get out of relationships with manipulative and self-destructive girlfriends and tell Mary how I felt but I appreciate these situations are impossible downward spirals of ever-changing feelings so it's a million times more easy for the guy outside the tornado to shout advice than for the guy who's inside the tornado to get out of it. Ultimately the situation will resolve itself.
That said the writing was relatively error-free and interesting. I appreciate the advantages of writing down difficult situations to try to make them clearer but by posting them on the Internet you might need to be ready to accept strong or abusive opinions that might not match with yours. Perhaps if you used the third person (the narrator calls himself Jake or something and talks about his life) rather than admit at the beginning it is autobiographical you might get some anonymity that might make it easier when publishing the story? You seem ok with people knowing the story is autobiographical to the author though.
Hopefully the sequel to this story in a few years will have a happy ending :)
-- Will11 on 3/25/2016 9:54:44 PM
Well the story was interesting and the writing was very good considering English isn't your first language, but I really didn't like the morals and logic behind the story at all.
The first time I left the abusive girl, self-harming girl, it said it was wrong to do that because she killed herself and it was all my fault... This is an absolutely horrible message. If a girl is using self-harm as a way to try and force a guy to stay in a relationship with her, then leaving her is the absolute best thing you can do! If you stay, it's teaching the girl that self-harm is a very useful and effective way to control and manipulate people to do what she wants, and she'll carry on using it. The girl won't stop self-harming until she learns that it's not going to get her what she wants.
As for the main girl Mary, you claim that this is based on true events and if this is all true then it sucks that you lost a good friend but to be honest, I don't blame her for not wanting to talk to you anymore. It didn't seem like she did anything wrong and you kind of treated her like crap in the story. Honestly, it really didn't sound like you cared about her very much at all.
You claim that you were in love with Mary, but all it took was for your girlfriends to say "I don't like her." and you cut off contact with her altogether. You can't blame that on the girlfriends, you could've just told them "No. Mary is my friend and she's been my friend for years, and I'm not going to stop being friends with her just because you're jealous. If you don't like that, you can leave."
To be honest, I don't think there's even much point in this girl becoming friends with you again, because that friendship would only last until you got a new girlfriend, and then you'd stop talking to her again.
(Maybe I'm being a bit mean here, but I suppose my opinion's biased, since it's coming from the point of view of a woman who's lost male friends in the past because their girlfriends didn't like me. >.< )
-- Briar_Rose on 3/25/2016 6:41:21 AM
Storygames for tagging:
3/4.(I think you counted multiple tags as separate points before? So, is that how it works?)
...In Love And War
5. Out Alive
Comments for featuring:
6/7. The Delaying Action
I like the concept. The writing was better than most new stories people churn out. I felt it did need more details about everything going on to fully bring me in, but still done fairly well. The one other major thing would be more choices as there was always a very clear dichotomy in the choices and most you could tell which was the correct one.
-- MythicBowman on 1/27/2014 2:16:17 PM
The story contains descriptions of good length and quality on each page; the problem is the length of the story itself. It contains only three choices, and all of them have only one correct and one incorrect option. This makes it very, very short and very, very linear. It's hard for the player to feel any sense of accomplishment because there's only one predetermined ending that's very easy to reach.
There are also no characters in this story. The player gets a name, and his second-in-command gets a name, but they never interact. Neither of them ever has any dialogue, and we have no idea what their relationship is. All of the soldiers who fight and die here are faceless and soulless. Are they afraid of these impossible odds? Eager to spill blood? Loyal to the Khan in spite of looming death? We never know much about them except that they fight and die.
My advice would be to expand this story, which is an excellent start but could go so much further. Give us a whole spectrum of choices and have them lead to a whole spectrum of different endings based on how well we did. In some, we might fail and die. Others, fail and escape. Others, succeed and die. Others, succeed and escape. Let the player feel like he or she has achieved something unique and self-determined.
And try to give the soldiers, especially the named ones, some personality.
-- Sszinid on 1/13/2014 10:42:26 AM
Comments for deletion:
8. Nick the Computer Guy
-- deivmin on 12/26/2014 11:36:52 AM
9. Cutting Up Some Tomatoes
this is so stupid and lame and your "story" had stupid dumb "endings" spell dis for me Y.O.U.R. S.T.O.R.Y. I.S. L.A.M.E.
-- anonymous on 9/5/2016 12:05:52 PM with a score of 0
10/11. Achilles II: The Chykri
Very good follow-up to Achilles. The writing in this game reflects the more polished and developed style used by the end of Achilles, with a new and mostly compelling plot overall.
My main complaint lies with the few battle scenes in this story. For a storygame depicting an epic war for the fate of the galaxy, General Achilles may as well have been Speaker of the House Achilles for all the battle decisions he made. Most of it was deciding funding and research grants and negotiations that, while important and enjoyable overall, should not exclude the battle scenes we're trying to support with all this behind-the-scenes work.
To be clear: I love what is here. But I want more battle tactical decisions, instead of just bureaucratic decisions impacting the battles.
Also, one last minor thing. After all that time choosing which ship designs and prototypes to support, it would be nice to see their names mentioned during the battles.
-- MagmaArmor0 on 1/26/2016 10:38:37 AM with a score of 0
This was fantastic.
Sci-Fi is not a genre I like as a rule but this and it's prequel are exceptions: the writing is strong, the characters creative and the situations interesting throughout and your use of the Variables system is as brilliant as Sindri's use of the Items Feature in his Homo Perfectus series. The choices had effects which is always important in multiple choice stories and I think this could even by called a political thriller.
You both seem to really enjoy writing these and people definitely enjoy reading them so hopefully there will be a sequel that continues to branch into new areas, I think this story is definitely feature-worthy and it was impressively virtually error-free (I spotted 1 accidental duplication of the same link but I wanted to keep reading so I forgot to note which page).
This was fantastic, incredibly re-readable and I really hope you both write more :D
-- Will11 on 12/13/2015 10:37:31 PM with a score of 0
12/13/14. In a Cave...
For your first storygame, it was neat. It seems that you understand how to make basic choices and allow the character to take different paths, which is always great. I liked that I could choose a variety of responses and get some different results. As for the story, it was interesting, but I wished that you had expanded it a bit more. It really caught my attention. About the writing, the constant, somewhat overly dramatic exclamations were a bit annoying (ex: Suddenly, you have fallen through open air! You went over a cliff!). I felt that you used too many exclamation points during the tense scenes, which negatively affected the experience. More detailed scenes would have been welcome. A description of the character's surroundings, emotions, etc. would have helped enhance the story (ex: Your feet slip and side on the edge of the rock. Whimpering, you flatten yourself against the side of the mountain. The wind rakes at your face as you squeeze your eyes shut, hands desperately clinging to the rocks. Even as the sharp edges dig into your palms, you only tighten your grip and bite your lip). The grammar was fine - I didn't catch too many spelling errors, so it made the game more fun to play.
Overall, I enjoyed this game, although I wished it had been longer. I feel that the story would be more exciting if you had more detailed scenes. Right now, it feels like the bare skeleton of a great plot - fleshing it out would be great. I hope that you keep writing and making games.
-- SummerSparrow on 5/1/2016 10:23:26 PM
Ok, that was a Choose your Own Adventure story :) I like the way you used the choices and the way you had different settings, events and situations to figure out, the story branched well and your writing was error-free and to the point, if a bit short in places at a sentence per page. Overall I'd give this 4/8, there was nothing particularly wrong with it except that it could have been longer, if you can write a story like this that is say three or four times the length with more characters and situations it'd be even better :)
-- Will11 on 4/27/2016 10:49:49 PM
This was good. There was a lot of branching and good grammar and writing, so you've at least got the basics down to a tee. It could've used more detail for a lot of it, such as descriptions and such, and could've been longer with a more substantial plot, but it was a good storygame in general.
-- Steve24833 on 4/28/2016 6:27:46 PM
15. The Sable Sea
If I was being unkind I'd suggest the main reason this story has been passed over for comment is because it has a Play Length greater than 1 or 2... as it stands this is a strong and tension-developing piece of writing which draws the reader in but there are a few points which I am a little puzzled over:
1) Why is the reader's character approaching the boat? Was it explained and I missed it?
2) Why does the reader's perspective transfer suddenly from first person to third? In a prose story where you can leave a space to explain this shift it's easier to follow but in this story it appears suddenly unexpected.
3) This story is in what we might call an enclosed-universe, the main character/reader, experiences everything aboard this vessel and nothing outside that but I would question whether in reality we would not just stop and think "woah, this is a dodgy ship, perhaps I'd better call the coastguard". It is a good idea to create immersive worlds but I'd suggest addressing and then destroying our chances of communicating with the outside world (no phone/GPS signal, tides sweep our own vessel away etc).
Altogether I enjoyed this terrifically though, the story-telling is taught, interesting and reveals itself slowly, if in unusual ways. Definitely a good read :)
-- Will11 on 7/14/2015 12:09:20 PM with a score of 0
Yeah each tag is a separate point, so it helps to number each suggestion (tag, deletion, comment, etc) separately.
1. Day 6209 - Add Serious tag
2. The Temptation of Ice - Add Serious tag
3. The Life Of A Bull Terrier - Add Animal Perspective tag
4. Horsing Around - Add Animal Perspective tag
5. Pon-Pon & Zen-Zen - Add Humor tag
6. WolfPack - Add Animal Perspective tag
7. You are a Fish - Add Animal Perspective tag
8. A Strange Day in July - Add Drama tag
9. Positive or Negative? - Add Socially Important tag
10. Evolution - Add Animal Perspective tag
11. Dave: Big Dickin'it adventure! - Add Humor tag
12. The Dimension of Doors - Featured Comment
For a first try, it wasn't bad at all. I enjoyed your descriptions for all the different doors and rooms that the character can pass through - they were descriptive enough without being overwhelming. You clearly have a good grasp of writing, and the excellent spelling and grammar really went helped (coherency is a rare and valuable quality for first tries on this site).
I also enjoyed the fairy-tale-esque types of choices, where greed gets you killed, the doors have vague hints as to which ones are dangerous, and there's a moral hidden in there somewhere, I think.
All in all, I wish it had been longer, but not bad at all for a first try. I'll be looking forward to what else you'll come up with now that you seem to have a good grasp of how the storygame editor works.
-- the_quiller on 3/12/2016 6:22:40 PM
13. Aventura Cultural - Featured Comment
This is impressive work for a non-native speaker of Spanish (at least, as far as I can tell with my very limited grasp of the language as well). I suppose it was also somewhat informative, with information presented in a quiz format.
However, it was also very short, lacking an interesting hook (which, I assume, is because this game is made for a school project, and not for the entertainment of us faceless internet citizens), and I'm not quite sure what the final question was.
-- the_quiller on 3/27/2016 12:07:25 AM
14. The Temptation of Ice - Featured Comment
What's there is actually pretty good. There's dramatic tension, plenty of choices that don't immediately result in a game-over. Overall, the writing is good, and I really got the sense that my character was somewhere very cold, and in danger of freezing to death. Even the deaths were believable and realistic.
However, the fact that this is essentially a demo means that I can't rate it any higher than a 3 even if I wanted to. The story just barely starts to hint at a larger, overarching plot before it abruptly comes to an end.
If this ever gets republished as a completed version, I would be thrilled to replay it though.
-- the_quiller on 3/8/2016 12:57:42 AM
15. The Leacher: Complete Edition - Featured Comment
Congratulations, this is very well written and you should be very proud of this :D There are a few minor improvements that can be made: here and there are a few spelling and grammar mistakes so be sure to read over your writing when you have finished it (it's an incredibly boring task but necessary to make sure the writing is correct).
Also I like the Credits at the end but as this is a story rather than film they are probably not necessary.
Overall this is great though: it's imaginative, there's a plot and the characters are interesting. You have a whole fantasy world here and you can write more adventures set in this world with some of the same characters, you can definitely expand this into a series of adventures if you want. Good Work :D
-- Will11 on 11/27/2015 11:33:41 PM
16. The Leacher: Complete Edition - Featured Comment
I admit, I am a bit of a stickler, so when the very first page has a misspelling, that’s tough. Unless, of course, you meant for the start to be the beggining… And hey, what’s up with the weird quotation marks at the bottom of the text line to start quotes? I generally liked the writing and the fight scenes, though throwing a sword and slicing someone’s throat? And there’s a technical error, I think, if I throw the sword at Ms. Cloydayes – there are two paragraphs with the sword killing someone. There were a few other minor grammatical errors, but I really did like the story. I liked the development and the journey, that was fun! I also liked the different monsters and challenges.
-- Ogre11 on 11/27/2015 9:21:12 AM
17. What I want to Be! - Featured Comment
I haven't seen anything like this before on the site so you earn some points there. Unfortunately this hardly felt poetic, some of the lines appear to have been added only to make a rhyme and actually add no merit to the verse. I had hoped that when we chose an animal, for example, we would be brought through a nice page about being a frog. Then we would be able to choose what we do as a frog. Instead we get a series of choices as to what we are with no real consequences for choosing them. I want to be told what it would mean to be a green caramel frog. Length is a great thing to have, but I do not want it in this story if it just means more haphazardly connected pages. I want a poem about being a frog dadgummit. I don't want to tell you that I am a frog and then read some nonsensically strung together lines and suddenly be candy.
-- ugilick on 6/13/2015 1:24:54 PM
18. Hobbit Gimmick Period 3 - Featured Comment
Hm, this game is far too short for what it's trying to do and also unrealistic (have you ever actually killed a bird with a butter knife? I imagine it's pretty hard to do). I assume this is some sort of test for Boy Scouts or campers though from the title I was expecting a parody... make it far longer, realistic and consider transferring it into quiz format as it might be easier than extending the storyline (why am I in the woods with all this crap? If I was going into the sort of place where bears lived I'd bring a rifle as opposed to a small piece of cutlery).
Assuming this is a genuine effort I recommend you rework it because the idea has some potential.
-- Will11 on 10/5/2015 12:38:27 AM
19. Alone in the Forest http://chooseyourstory.com/story/alone-in-the-forest - Featured Comment
I guess this is an alright kids' game, but not much so interactive fiction. You have shown you can write fairly decently and understand that interactive fiction requires choices, but specifically the choices need to be fleshed out moreso. The game needs to be less linear and open to more branches with varying plotlines. For example, only the 'retire as a hermit' and the snake paths were varied in the slightest bit. This needs to be less linear and the story should be worked upon.
I also feel like the world we are in needs to be expanded upon. Where are we exactly -- a forest? A jungle? But then why/where are the/re elephants? And there's only so limited places where monkeys can live in the wild. Point is, you need to be more descriptive in the scenery and setting departments. This isn't a bad game, just needs more work.
-- FazzTheMan on 7/5/2015 1:30:07 AM
20. Day 6209 - Featured Comment
It wasn't exactly a bad first try at making a game, but it was ... kinda random, it requires polishing, and I can also say that my suspension of disbelief was broken pretty easily.
You had some formatting issues and errors: You need to break up your chunks of text into paragraphs and in the future, please spell-check your work (for example, it is spelled "immediately" not "imediatly" and "whisper" not "wisper." The editor did tell you this because it spell-checks your work, but I'm assuming you didn't notice.)
As for breaking my suspension of disbelief ... there are a lot of real-life, logical ways a person can be driven to commit murder. I have yet to see one that solely involves injecting someone with a serum. =\ Still, it's interesting.
-- Kiel_Farren on 11/22/2014 2:22:09 PM
21. The Apology - Featured Comment
For a project this was a well researched and thorough effort giving us a good overview of Socrates’ case. From a literary point of view I would have found it more enjoyable if the reader had been a character in the story (Meletus for example) and able to put questions personally to Socrates. It was a bit too factual, some general descriptions such as how the court was made up, Socrates’ appearance and personal habits and other little details would help break up the factual content a little.
I remember studying the Apology in school and you address the arguments well, though the idea that if Socrates were a teacher he would be a man of large wealth is quite funny (I can tell you from personal experience a teacher’s salary does not make a person rich).
My personal opinions is I think Socrates was just seen as a harmless crank who spent his days wandering round asking people annoying questions until Crititias became power. If you imagine a dictator taking charge of a country and killing a few thousand of it’s most prominent citizens you could imagine how the citizens might want to lash out at his former teacher, a guy who spent his days trying to prove how stupid other people were, the social context was far more important than Socrates impact on “corrupting the youth”.
-- Will11 on 12/21/2014 12:08:46 AM
22. Explore my appartment - Featured Comment
The first thing I have to mention is the story. There is none, but the exploration is okay. In order to make that more interesting, I would suggest that you learn about scripting, variables, etc. by asking others on the site. That way, when you go the ipod/iphone, the computer, or anything like that, you can include (possibly) mysterious information that can slowly build up to a story.
The grammar and phrasings were okay (I have seen much much worse *thinks of generic WC game and shivers*), though I think you should change occasional fragments into proper (even if it's short) sentences. There are a few other things, but at the moment I can't quite remember them specifically.
Otherwise it's not bad, but too much of a game for any real immersion (though I personally wouldn't have revealed a partial lay out of my home/apartment, for paranoia reasons). I give it a 4/8.
-- LeoScales7 on 9/23/2014 7:24:11 PM
23. Explore my appartment - Featured Comment
I'm assuming that you made this mostly for practice. If so, then it seems like you have a fairly good grasp of linking pages together properly in the basic editor. I didn't run into any dead ends.
That being said, as a storygame, this left something to be desired. With no engaging plotline, there was no motivation to explore what appears to be an completely normal apartment. If the location was exotic or mysterious, I would probably be more interested in seeing more, but the room descriptions were typically a single sentence and didn't mention anything particularly out of the ordinary. The reader needs a compelling in-universe reason to walk around in the apartment, otherwise the game just becomes an tedious search for the 'End Game and Leave Comments' link. For example, if you had put this into the context of a detective carefully searching a crime scene, I would probably be much more motivated to see every room and detail just to find all the clues.
While the grammar and spelling were occasionally messed up, it was never too distracting. The biggest one that needs to be fixed is that 'Explore my appartment' should be 'Explore My Apartment'.
-- the_quiller on 9/26/2014 12:35:01 AM
24. A Long Walk Home - Featured Comment
Hmm...I find this to be rather disappointing. There is a lot of rising action, giving way to a very anti-climactic ending. Also, the option to jump into a dumpster to go after a "creature" is rather idiotic, no offense. Now, I understand that you didn't set this up as a horror story, but you do a lot to build up suspense. As a reader, we some sort of bang at the end of the suspense, for the most part, anyway. Still, your writing isn't horrendous and you did put quite a bit of effort into the game, so I give you a 4/8.
-- jamescoker1226 on 8/18/2014 8:51:33 PM
25. The Life Of A Bull Terrier - Featured Comment
Well on the bright side I've now experienced life as a Bull Terrier and I am glad that I can go back to being a person now. A plot or at the least some little doggy adventure would make it more appealing but it would still be a story about dogs doing dog things. I think it is a good story for the right readership but that readership is not especially mainstream, in terms of craftsmanship (writing quality, structure etc) it was very good :)
-- Will11 on 11/13/2014 3:09:14 AM
26. The Life Of A Bull Terrier - Featured Comment
Note: Comment was done as a non-registered user. However, it may have been done by FazzTheMan before they registered a month after that comment. Not sure if you can credit them or not for it.
The main plot of this story is basically you just being a dog and doing dog-like things. Although this is a seemingly okay-ish plot, I don't think it really qualifies as a "story".
This doesn't have a rising action, climax, falling action, and conclusion. In fact, the only part of a real-story plot would be the exposition, only because it tells you that you are a dog owned by fantaspray1. And not even that is descriptive. The main fault of this story is that its overly repetitive. This whole story just has you clicking links to do dog-things, like pooping, sleeping, eating, which leave you off at "You did this, you are done, do something else!" As a reader, I can't say I found this story amusing. Because you have no way to win, or lose for that matter, I can't say this qualifies as a game. It has no real challenge, just live life as a dog. Since there is no challenge to this "storygame", we can conclude that there are no real choices to do, because it doesn't affect the story one measly bit. As there are no choices, there are no consequences, and come on, what type of game is that?
The writing is not very descriptive, with only an average of one, less than ten words long sentence on every page of this story. Literally, this is the description if you choose to bark at the next-door-neightbor's dog: "That dog is very annoying...". And that's it. So, you can see how lack of context this story has.
I don't feel this has the qualifications of a storygame. If it does somehow qualify as one, then I feel that it is a waste of time. No offence to the writer or anything.
-- Fazz on 8/4/2014 3:56:08 AM
27. Horsing Around - Featured Comment
Note: Same note as above. Comment was done as a non-registered user. However, it may have been done by FazzTheMan before they registered a month after leaving their comment. Not sure if you can credit them or not for it.
You know its not good for a storygame when you can easily write out the entire plot in points.
-Farmer begins to train you
-Farmer trains some more
-Farmer falls and needs medical attention
-You need to pull a cart or something
Unlike many storygames, I don't consider this to have the correct necessities of the "game" part in "storygame". You basically make a choice: be a good horse or be a bad horse. With choices like "Do you bite him or do you let him pet you?", you know exactly which choice will lead to victory, and which won't. And the most saddest part is that even if you don't behave, you are pushed to behave. The story doesn't veer off at all, no, if you don't behave you get the The End or you are pushed to be a good horsey. What I mean by this is that you might choose to kick the farmer, being the rebel you naturally want to be, and it would say (as an example) something along the lines of "You pushed him. He didn't like it and slapped your stupid face, now you guess you should behave." And then the only choice would be to behave.
(Btw, I don't think this is much, which is why I'm putting it in parentheses. If you choose to not behave, and you don't get pushed to do the right thing, you get "put down" for being a "wild animal". I haven't grown up on a farm nor do I have experience with running a farm/raising animals, but I think, just because a horse kicks you, doesn't mean you should kill it. Maybe you could give it away to someone else who could train it better or sell it off, but killing it seems WAYYY too extreme! I've never heard of "putting down a horse" because it kicked/trampled its owner. And going along with this, wouldn't the natural instinct of an animal like a horse be to kick or trample when getting displeasured, if it isn't already trained not to? Think about that! If it didn't like how the farmer was saddling it, or riding it, then I'm sure it would kick or shove or bite OR something. I don't believe this neccasarily means it is a "wild animal".)
I believe a game is supposed to have a central goal, then certain, specific choices which control the plot and/or stem consequences. This, although did have the central goal, didn't have many choices, and the choices which it did have, DIDN'T affect the plot except for being pushed into the correct/ideal desicion or getting the The End.
The story was very short as well, which was how I was able to list it above. It doesn't veer off into any other paths, no, the above is the main central idea. So that was not very amusing for me, the reader.
The writing was at least good. The grammar had little/no mistakes as well.
This is good... for you to poop on.
-- Fazz on 8/5/2014 3:03:46 AM
28. Where am I? - Featured Comment
Well it was randomly abstract but the "it was all a dream" endings do tend to render anything that went before it pointless: we all have dreams and no one's going to buy a book to read an account of a fake dream unless it is meaningful in some way as opposed to random. Perhaps some people appreciate art for art's sake but that means that any human action could be called art, then actions lose their impact and life just sinks into meaninglessness. This story, though a bit unusual is pointless, I would recommend traditional things like a plot and characters.
-- Will11 on 11/9/2014 11:57:25 PM
29. Dave: Big Dickin'it adventure! - Featured Comment
It wasn't terrible. It's one of those 'random' games. It's pretty funny at points and there are quite a few branches. That said, it really could have done with proofreading. There was a noticeable lack of capitalisation and punctuation, especially speech marks. A little bit more description and backstory wouldn't hurt, either. This has potential to be better.
-- 31TeV on 10/11/2014 3:05:27 AM
I'd recommend you bump the maturity level on this one up a little. The 'voice' reads as something for a very small child, but pretty much every option involves kicking, hitting, or stabbing someone, bones are broken, people are beheaded, suicide is an option in one path...
"pretty much every option involves kicking, hitting, or stabbing someone, bones are broken, people are beheaded, suicide is an option in one path..."
Guess I need to check this one out more closely.
EDIT: I laughed.
I'll probably send a PM to this person suggesting to take it down (before I eventually do) and at least fix up the grammar, spelling and the dead link.
Well, for some reason, people really liked giving long comments on this. Perhaps it's the fact that the writer argued with Raven in the comments. Anyway, here are the comments for featuring.
First off I'm going to avoid grammar entirely and talk strictly about the choices.
Choice 1. I am not military trained but I know how to conserve ammo so buying a full-auto would not cause me any ammo problems, maybe recoil at first, though one of the first guns I ever fired was a 16 gauge and that was when I was like 10 so I doubt it, but not ammo. Secondly the M1 Garand and Enfield are two of my favorite semi-auto weapons, seeing as how they can be used as a sniper when in the right hands, so I would pick them due to their functionality. Also what do you have to say to any hunters or people in gun clubs who have used full-auto weapons, they are ordinary citizens yet I believe with their experience in using them they know what they're doing, and I feel that if young children can learn how to use an AK-47 properly, than so can an ordinary person, adult or not, under the right circumstances.
Choice 2. I think you need more choices than what you have, personally I do like the crowbar, but a tire iron would be better seeing as it is just as heavy/light, and it has a built in spike on one end and a bludgeon at the other end.
Choice 3. First off I think you mean trench knife not trench spike, a spike is just a spike. Secondly a halberd isn't all that hard to learn how to use, it's basically just a long axe that you can poke/slice things with and yes there are certain things that you won't know about using it at first, but overtime you can learn and seeing as most don't weigh beyond 10 pounds, almost anyone can use it and their length keeps zombies at a distance instead of having to get in close. Also with the halberd you could carry the trench knife for close encounters when necessary, since it is just a knife after all and hardly weighs anything.
Choice 4. Clothing doesn't really matter although weight does and heat factor does. Almost everyone knows you don't go walking in anything that can cause heat stroke or anything that weighs more than, let's say 10 pounds, all articles included, and of course baggy clothing can be a problem but so can skin tight clothing, here are two examples;
Baggy clothing provides some extra protection against bites while if you have skin tight clothing, it can be bitten through.
Baggy clothing may get stuck from time-to-time while skin tight clothing may not, but skin tight clothing doesn't allow for much storage space for valuable, and necessary, survival equipment that you can die without.
There are more pros and cons but these are just two, I feel, obvious examples that most people can grasp quickly.
Overall I feel that this, so called guide, needs to be rethought.
-- DeathIncarnate on 8/13/2015 4:19:29 AM with a score of 0
This is an interesting story because it has very good and very bad points. The good is that you have put a wealth of interesting information here, your writing style is enjoyable and I was actually interested in finding the right answer.
The first bad point is as people mentioned splitting it into parts (you might like reading 5 short stories instead of 1 long one but other people don't). A possible way around this is having five chapters and when someone gets a question wrong sending them back to the start of the chapter.
Another bad point is that this is a quiz not a story based entirely on your knowledge of Max Brooks's excellent book. You could make it into a bit of a story by putting us in real life situations with characters and a plot and choices we have to make along the way based on these questions but it'd still be a quiz in disguise.
A good writing style means we can ignore quibbles about parts and genre types, I'm sure the next part will be just as interesting. Be warned though: people who publish stories in parts usually lack the commitment to write more than one or two parts :)
-- Will11 on 7/8/2015 5:40:57 AM with a score of 0
Why are you doing all the work and then putting it all together? Ever heard the saying "Work smarter, not harder"? All of this just make you come off as a lazy person who simply couldn't be bothered to do work and tries to find work-arounds. I mean putting it together first is a lot better than spamming the site. And it doesn't make much sense to release these seperately and then put them together. So I must ask you, why not do it? Why evade it?
Furthermore, this isn't really much of a storygame and is quite linear. This seems more like a quiz, without the variables. Still, there is a lot of information and that seems interesting.
Also, the Walking Dead is a little different than a written work like this one :P This game took me less than three minutes to complete; one episode of Walking Dead is an hour long while the finales add an extra half hour. If you're going to compare yourself to a WD marathon you might as well make sure your games have the same level as content (which this one doesn't). I think a marathon of hour long episodes from an entire season back-to-back does not equate five-ish small quiz-like "storygames".
In any case I don't understand your justification for releasing these separately, is it really just laziness? that's kind of sad man.
-- FazzTheMan on 7/8/2015 1:19:12 AM with a score of 0
Additionally, here's a comment for deleting because it is a WC troll. It's on this game.
MAKE PART TWO MAN!! MAKE PART TWO!! Btw, Yer useer is WCRPG THATS WHY I WENT HERE BE4 IN THEE FIRST PLAACE!!
-- Ginger on 3/19/2015 8:52:01 AM
Comment for deletion-
I killed Donald Trump
-- Eh3hh3hrdbu on 9/20/2016 2:12:21 PM
Recommended featured comment-
I thought this was a great game. It was very interesting and tells a story that's pretty relevant today even for non-Christians as it tells us the mindset of people back then and tells us about a massive religious influence today. There were a few Biblical mistakes, like the Serpant not actually being Satan but being an actual Serpant in the original story and "40 Days and Nights" being a phrase that meant a long time rather than an actual period of time. Other than that I thought it was pretty interesting.
-- Steve24833 on 3/31/2016 1:03:37 PM
-- Herobrine917 on 8/23/2016 2:29:09 PM
-- Winter on 10/1/2015 2:47:05 PM with a score of 0
Lol, why the hell was this comment featured?
My thoughts exactly. I was going to ask if it could be unfeatured and deleted, then realized that would be a waste of time.
More comments for deletion:
For this oddly good fanfiction:
-- windchaser on 11/24/2014 11:31:58 PM with a score of 0
For this one (which even had a comment with nothing within and a double post):
-- ryok on 1/2/2013 12:37:18 PM
Seth says MEH!
-- SethIsBeast on 10/29/2012 10:17:16 PM
-- tigerxii on 10/2/2012 4:14:37 PM
Holy dat was sickkk :D
-- Jon on 3/15/2011 7:50:43 PM
-- on 8/31/2005 7:55:21 PM
MAKE A SEQUAL PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-- book lover on 1/31/2005 7:52:01 PM
Everyone's suggestions so far have been gotten to, even if I haven't directly responded to the posts.
You could always go make some Alts I can ban too!
Storygame for tagging in:
Rise of a hero
1. Fantasy tag.
Comments for featuring in:
TBLHQ: Round 2
2. Excellent work, this was a good and interesting quiz but I wish it could be longer. This is a good way to kill 5 minutes and learn something interesting so good work :)
-- Will11 on 6/18/2015 5:51:21 PM with a score of 300
Terra Proxima: The Lines are Drawn
3. Masterful work. The preview I had built up high expectations for me, but you still managed to blow them out of the water. This episode takes what made the original great and expands on it in spades. Every time I thought the episode was ready to wind down, another high caliber battle sparked. Then there is the incredibly lengthy epilogue. Each encounter tests judgment and resource management skills. Every item and event has a purpose. Nothing is wasted. This tight decision making integrated with a war story that has excellent backstory and character development in this episode, page after page after page, makes for an experience worthy of the highest praise. I cannot imagine a worthier addition to the series, but you have a better imagination than I do.
-- Melike on 8/24/2010 7:46:25 AM with a score of 0
Comment for deletion in:
Escape from the Dead
4. It was a well written story game but I never felt at any point like I was in any real danger or indeed that my choices made any particular difference between life or death. My fellow survivors were well written but I never really felt that strongly about any of them and possibly there were too many. This is a hard story to critique, the writing is very good and all the right elements are there but it didn't have anything extra to stand out or draw my attention, a few ominous threats or even some tension would make the story truly gripping.
-- Will11 on 11/10/2014 11:49:14 PM
Reasoning: It seems Will's review repeated for some reason. It's weird that I'm recommending a comment of his for deletion, usually his comments are being recommended xD
5. Also, give this a horror tag?
6. An enjoyable, creepy game that's a welcome break from the usual sludge of terribleness. Very good game.
-- Steve24833 on 12/30/2015 4:30:44 PM with a score of 0
7. Fantastic: you have caught the tone of the poem really well and the writing flows wonderfully making the story seem just like a troubled dream or a nightmare. I often think Edgar Allen Poe was a guy who literally lived his nightmares and to try and get rid of them he'd write them onto paper or try to drink them away, this story captures the dark and mysterious tone of unavoidable and inexplicable sorrow really well...
please write more :D
-- Will11 on 12/19/2015 1:10:39 AM with a score of 0
8. A story, shrouded in mystery. A tale that may never again be told.
This is what true storygames are. Choices, well detailed, but not too over the top. A step into the protagonist's shoes, makes it forever more interesting. It was great. And I'm glad to have read it :)
-- Shadowulf on 12/18/2015 2:19:27 PM with a score of 0
Lizzie and the Horrors of Hate
9. I really enjoyed this. The writing was immersive, detailed, creative and error-free the characters were well rendered enough for you to seriously care about them and you made excellent use of the branching system to allow readers to choose their own preferred ending. I think for readers patient enough to really get into the story this is an excellent read and there is definitely the potential for a whole series using these characters and settings.
I've never read "The Underland Chronicles" but you definitely seem to have taken the setting and the story and made it your own which is what good Fan Fiction should do. Great job!
-- Will11 on 3/24/2016 10:11:37 PM with a score of 0
10. I liked this story. It was short but for the context of what was happening, it worked out well. I also liked that we really don't know if it was his dreams in the end OR if it was real. The coffee shop could be a dream for all we know!
-- AppDude27 on 3/3/2014 12:19:33 PM
11. The writing style is great, and it communicates the story well. If you decide to make a sequel out of this you should definitely add more background (what else is happening outside of the story?) and character development (who is the main character? What does he do? etc.).
-- Allusional on 1/4/2014 2:15:02 PM
12. It's good, especially if it's your first. The text has a nice flow to it and it has a blending quality between dreaming and reality. I would have liked (perhaps it is simply the ending I got) to go deeper into the plot. Why is the main character having these dreams? What exactly do they mean? Are they insane? Or is it something deeper? If anything I would say that you may even be able to pull a sequel out of this. Good job, keep writing.
-- AceofRoses on 1/2/2014 1:42:49 PM
The Shortcut Home
13. This..was very interesting. It was definitely unique for a horror story except for the clown part- but you even managed to make that odd and set the tone.
I love how I get to know whenever a choice is important and whenever it's not that interesting, and I did check most of the paths to see if this was actually true, and it was.
I just felt a bit disappointed about the linearity of this storygame. Sure, there are plenty of choices and all make a difference, but even the choices stamped as very important felt as if there was a good choice and a bad choice. I had expected it to branch out further, and even though I managed to get a lot of different endings..it was as if I should've gone and investigated the noise because the rest of the path was basically the same except for getting stuck somewhere because I didn't investigate and so couldn't help the fox. Also, when I choose not to follow the sign, I get something like "that's not a good idea. Follow the sign" and I'd really just love to see myself get lost or something because I didn't follow the sign. Something like that.
Quality wise, there aren't really that many grammatical mistakes and the writing is good. I get annoyed with people's bad grammar really quickly but I didn't feel as if I should because it's great.
I had a hard time getting all of the endings because you usually couldn't see what the effect of your choice was right away- although this is good and definitely realistic, this made me understand the difficulty rating.
Overall, good, I'm happy with the length, your writing is a pleasure to read, but I did get a bit annoyed with the linearity and the good choice/bad choice system you seem to have.
-- 3173v3 on 8/29/2015 11:14:36 AM with a score of 0
14. Zombie tag
15. Horror tag
Recommending comments for deletion in:
"I'm going out."
16. nice but too short
-- reader73 on 2/25/2016 11:42:39 AM with a score of 0
17. nice but too short
-- reader73 on 2/25/2016 11:42:37 AM with a score of 0
18. nice but too short
-- reader73 on 2/25/2016 11:42:33 AM with a score of 0
Reasoning: There's actually another, but I suppose that one can stay.
Cantina Band: The Assassin's New Tune
19. This is really pretty good.
Despite having three authors, the overall writing is very cohesive.
A lot of the items have nice pics. Why only some, though? It makes the generic pics look a little out of place. Was this one of the parts where three people were contributing? Also, is there a way to keep the items, or is it a must-drop? If so, you don't really need the lengthy item selection process.
A worthy entry to the fan fic section.
-- Corinthian on 7/23/2008 12:47:30 PM with a score of 1450
20. Pros: Great length, deep storyline, a lot of good description, attempts at having some emotional moments
Cons: Story takes a while to get going, having some items with pics and others not is a bit distracting, a few of the story segments seem somewhat fragmented, there seems to be only one right way to get through the story, some strange errors ("scale the cliff down" is not English.)
Overall: Very nice fanfic. Anyone who only has a score of around 150 should replay before rating to make sure you're seeing its full potential.
-- Sethaniel on 11/3/2008 6:58:08 AM with a score of 1240
Yeah it was sort of weird when I saw you suggesting one of Will's comments to be deleted. I thought maybe you accidently listed it wrong at first.
Here's some more comments for deleting for this game even though I know you already saw at least one of them. Also, #17 is really... um, different.
-- Tango on 4/25/2016 1:40:06 PM
2. Thx for the storry!!!
-- bro on 4/25/2016 10:54:27 AM
3. Poop on this game.
-- Poop on 4/11/2016 5:17:48 PM
-- silton2 on 6/9/2015 12:30:24 PM
5. too short
-- molly on 3/13/2015 5:26:49 PM
-- Hellion on 2/6/2015 11:36:25 AM
7. This is... BAD.
-- NONE OF UR BEEZWAX on 12/18/2014 10:59:00 PM
8. Lol awesomeness
-- Sarah on 12/3/2014 1:17:58 PM
9. good...to poop on
-- poop on 10/27/2014 8:18:25 AM
-- Derek789 on 10/19/2014 5:37:06 AM
-- blur on 10/8/2014 5:55:29 AM
-- CovElite on 5/15/2012 11:37:44 PM
13. WTF was that?
-- Ace on 10/27/2011 3:56:22 PM
-- weedy on 5/5/2006 5:55:06 PM
15. that was soooooooooo good
-- zodel on 10/8/2005 4:23:25 AM
16. wasnt that bad, but there was 2 much, and i just clicked links, and clicked back, to get thru
-- 12345678987654321 on 10/5/2005 8:36:53 AM
17. This game sucked. Firs of all their were no Light Sabers and no two headed ferrets. What the hell was the author thinking. Everyone knows that if you want a have decent game you have to include a ferret. All the greatest games in history have had ferrets in them for example. Halo, GTA3, Sims and most importantly of all pac man. Here is a word of advice for the author don't quit your day job and if writing these games is your day job then for god's sake<br>ferrets are the future man without ferrets we wouldn't have cars or computers or even clothes. So don't be a fool, stay in school.<br>P.S If you have any complaints with my comment please send an abusive email to my address *I took out his email address since I think there's a site rule on that*
-- Dick McGee on 10/19/2004 10:38:55 PM
-- Uberon on 5/18/2003 2:55:12 AM
19. No too shabby.
-- white_panther on 3/4/2003 6:30:17 PM
EDIT: 20. I don't know how I missed this one.
I wish this story had more naked women and sex in it because I was horny when I played this
-- Cunt-hole on 9/22/2016 12:03:59 AM
Comment for featuring for the same storygame.
Incredibly well written story. The writing style really sets the mood and atmosphere for a classic fantasy setting feel.
It's linear, but very replayable. I like the way playing a different element will give you a whole new perspective on the same story. It's very clever the way the story all fits together and makes sense whichever path you take.
I would have criticised the decision to not script it so that the player would be forced to stick with their element, but I feel the explanation given in the description is justified.
The only things I can think of that would have improved this storygame is more thorough proofreading and a sequel. It's a shame that we'll probably never get to see the rest of this series.
-- 31TeV on 9/13/2014 6:42:11 AM
I think it should replace:
An excellent story. I have read through many of the stories here and have found none better written or more fully thought out. I am an avid reader of fantasy and I find Magus: Betrayal to be poignant, exciting, and well on par with any novels out there today. Great work. I am impressed!
-- Jay on 6/3/2003 1:29:26 AM
Recommending comments for featuring in:
1. Haha I find this funny because I live in China but from the writing it's clear you're relying more on your imagination than your experiences :) In Asia 99% of people don't speak English and those that do certainly don't speak it as well as these characters do :D That said this was a good, creative story and the writing was strong, I'd like to read more urban horror stories like this one!
-- Will11 on 5/16/2015 3:51:15 AM
2. Horror tag
Rise of Vollund
3. Fantasy tag
Little Red Riding Hood
4. won in 10 secs poop
-- thefagster on 6/7/2016 8:45:10 AM
5. Humor tag
6. Fantasy tag
7. Geared towards children (?) Some of the bad ends make this a very iffy reccomedation, but Briar seems to think it's appropriate for kids in the following comment of hers that I recommend for featuring.
Recommending comment for featuring in the above game:
8. Well, I really liked it! Very nicely written version of a brilliant children's story. Only problem I have with it is that different choices lead to completely different situations, like sometimes the wolf is the good guy and sometimes he's the bad guy, and sometimes the grandmother is the wolf in disguise and sometimes she's just the grandmother, so that didn't make sense, but it's a kid's story so I wasn't that bothered. :)
-- Briar_Rose on 11/23/2012 6:10:53 PM
Recommending comment for deletion in the same game (again):
9. This is poop.
-- Jim on 3/9/2015 8:28:01 AM
Recommending comment for featuring in... the above game, again:
10. A nice take on a traditional tale though Little Red hacking wolves to death for food seems a bit of a stretch. The writing was good though and I'd be interested to see how you interpret other fairy tales :)
-- Will11 on 11/10/2014 4:11:58 AM
Well if Briar Rose said it was a story for children, I for one have no reason to disbelieve a woman of her impeccable reputation.
Comments for featuring for this storygame.
If this were longer/ more fleshed out, it would be quite a good little mystery. You're clearly a competent writer, and you've absolutely nailed the tone generally employed in CYOA mystery. This story just doesn't have enough substance. It's more of a 90-second mystery than a CYOA.
You don't investigate the scene, and you interview each suspect only once.
There is exactly one actual choice in the game: picking the killer.
Things which make little sense: If you choose incorrectly, the real killer murders your suspect, for no discernible reason. they also murder you, in an *extremely* implausible fashion. (I could see it maybe working if we were a frail spinster, but I think we're supposed to be an adult male.)
-- Sethaniel on 1/17/2016 8:52:52 PM
I thought it was OK. I agree that three different death links all linking to Death by Pastry isn't great, especially since it's all about playing the game or not. If I didn't want to actually take the case I wouldn't have played the game.
Also, I agree with Paul. Why would the Killer pick to shoot me if (s)he's nothing against me and I've actually blamed someone besides her? I also find the motive a bit weak, because they're the least involved of anyone and Michael's inside trading is already being investigated, so it wasn't great, though the clue was actually quite good.
-- Steve24833 on 1/17/2016 7:40:54 PM
Read beyong the first couple of pages and you realise there is actually more to this story than death by pastry. It isn't particularly elaborate though and could do with some more options besides talking with people, such as searching the scene of the crime, looking up files on the suspects, etc.
Despite its minimalism, the author shows that he or she is capable of writing decently, so kudos for that. What could help the story improve is A) making the story longer, B) making more diverse choices and C) linking the choices to more sensible consequences.
[POTENTIAL SPOILER ALERT] Is the fate you suffer by selecting the wrong culprit really possible? Just think about who you are and what they would be capable of doing to you... ^^ [POTENTIAL SPOILER ALERT OVER]
You could make the story longer by making a new chapter for instance. Every time you make a mistake, one of the other suspects dies off. I would subjectively find that quite thrilling!
-- PaulOnFire on 1/17/2016 5:49:13 PM
Storygames for tagging:
1. Remove based off a true story tag
2. Humor tag
3. Horror tag
4. Romance tag
5. Drama tag
6. I got all three endings, but the best score I could get was 45/50.
This game made very good use of items, which helps give it more replay value. I enjoyed the character interactions, but I think the pacing and dialogue could've been better. I also felt unsure about setting. There were fantastical elements, but
However, the overall story is excellent and the mood consistent. It was fun, too. Such a bittersweet tale.
-- TaraGil on 10/18/2013 4:38:33 PM with a score of 45
Hunting the Ripper
7. First off, thank you for writing this. I learned a whole lot here, having previously been aware of only the broad strokes of the case; the killings of course, the fact that the police were awful at their jobs, and that there was at least one other serial killer out there complicating matters further.
The criticism I had of one of your other games being kind of a dry historical retelling happily doesn't apply here. The detective we play feels much more proactive and involved with events, but not so much that his personality overshadows the narrative...which is probably for the best when inserting a fictional character into real, detailed historical events that their actions can't be allowed to dramatically change.
And there was SUCH an impressive amount of detail in this thing. Step by step, interviewing witnesses, searching for clues in the victims' belongings, chasing down leads and trying to figure out what was or wasn't useful information...and then the exhaustion after false witness after false witness kept piling up. (Most of them OBVIOUSLY not the Ripper, so I'm with you on really not understanding what the police were thinking...sounds like they would have happily tossed out all evidence and knowledge of his MO if they could pin the killings on any random lunatic or foreigner and be done with the whole thing...also getting James Kelly handed to them on a silver platter and just letting him stroll away lmao. Lewis Carroll being a suspected serial killer at one point was also news to me!)
Being such a realistic historical piece I did find the constant use of casual, modern language a little strange...more than anything I would have expected everyone to be talking like they were out of a Sherlock Holmes story. But with this being such a huge project already I can understand perfectly why you wouldn't want to add that extra difficulty onto writing it.
I feel like I have a pretty decent understanding of the events now thanks to this, but I'll definitely be grabbing one of the books you mentioned at the end and looking more into this. And I appreciate you putting so much emphasis on who the women were as well...it really is sad how in every situation like this the monster is remembered and obsessed over while his victims are almost instantly forgotten.
-- mizal on 5/23/2015 11:04:39 PM with a score of 1
8. This is quite possibly the most educational game I've ever read; it's clear a great deal of research went into its creation. The mystery aspect is also quite good, presenting a tremendous amount of information and clues, while allowing the player a good deal of latitude in interpreting what is or is not germane to the investigation. Minor quibble: the predominant piece of evidence alluding to Jack's identity is an addition of the author.
If I had to identify an area of improvement; like many educational works it lacks characterization. The player character is defined solely as "Private Detective" and even Abberline exists mainly as a vehicle of information distribution. It's much more a deduction game than a true story.
Overall, an amazing addition to the site.
-- Sethaniel on 5/23/2015 11:06:51 AM with a score of 1
9. Very good story. It's quite a long read so you guys better be prepared to memorize things, or at least jot them down because you're going to have to retrace some steps to figure out who the killer was. It's pretty well written but I have noticed some typos and grammatical errors, but they're not too abundant. In fact, I can't remember the last one I saw, but it is pretty clear and concise.
-- Dynamism on 10/8/2015 11:06:50 PM with a score of 1
Ophthalmophobia: A Love Story
10. As a fellow linguaphile, I enjoyed the language and metaphors running throughout this story, which definitely gave it a bonus point in my book. However, that was offset by two things:
Firstly, on the "Steep Hills" and "Arrieta" pages, you use your instead of you're--which shatters the flow more than usual because of the linguistic motif that runs throughout this story. Secondly, the "Love..?" ending seems rather abrupt and doesn't seem to resolve the story other than making a decision--we never see the results of that decision.
Other than that, though, it was a cool twist on the classic love story. Nicely done!
-- MagmaArmor0 on 8/9/2013 6:43:58 PM
Recommending a comment to be featured on my storygame. It's good and detailed.
Great work on this. I played around with different options in combat scenes to see how it would impact the results. Something this storygame does very well, which many do not, is dying in fights feels fair.
It's not a random picking of an action in combat and hoping it works. Instead you're choosing a logical choice, then having the results play out in a way that fairly reflects that choice. There's also good text cues, to hint at what's best to do. And not every alternate choice lead to death, which was a nice touch. This shows a lot of insight and thought with your writing, along with adding to the immersion of the experience.
I found it interesting to have the changing protagonists throughout the story too. My main concern was that it would feel jarring to have it change up too much. However it worked pretty good and I found it worthwhile to have multiple perspectives within the events happening in the game.
The style of humor you used made it fun too. A certain toy scene was great. Trying to stay spoiler-free, there were some entertaining options. The ending was both surprising, yet oddly fitting by the time I reached that point.
Overall, I enjoyed it a lot. There were a few minor text errors, but nothing distracting. It's heavy on the story aspect, which made it feel more linear, but the story itself was well done. I believe the writing held up to this approach, the humor kept the reading relaxed, and I put a lot of weight in having combat that plays out smartly.
-- IronPanther on 7/27/2016 2:01:29 PM with a score of 0
Will11's comment might also worth featuring.
I liked this :) You have spent lots of time describing an interesting story line, well developed characters and a plethora of tactical fight scenes without getting too bogged down in technical details which is good, the changing of different perspectives was also especially good, if reminiscent of computer games :D
Overall this was very good work and I enjoyed it a lot, though towards the end the steady stream of gunfights was starting to feel a little repetitive (can't we just settle all our differences with a few games of Rock, Paper, Scissors, winner takes all? :D). However this was one of the better games I've read on this site for a while and the hard work resulted in a great story, 7/8 :)
-- Will11 on 8/3/2016 9:17:41 PM with a score of 0
Recommending a storygame for featuring: It's Not Easy Being Me, replacing Danny Phantom's Adventure.
Reason: Higher length than Danny Phantom's Adventure, newer content, and Danny Phantom's Adventure aged badly.
Recommending a comment to be featured: You have a good understanding of the Superman Mythos and I like the idea of using a perspective of a character who distrusts Supes. The game might be short but there's a nice mixture of endings too! Good job! :)
Again, this is from It's Not Easy Being Me.
Your story's been out for like a day and you already feel like it's worthy of featuring? :l
It was worth a shot.
If it turns out that it's not worthy, I'll just make a better game and I'll keep doing that until I get featured. Think of me recommending my game for being featured as a way to inspire myself to improve.
I see. Well it's not like it's a bad story from what little I've read so far.
It's something that I'll probably want to take my time with finishing tbh :p I like reading every route of a story if it so happens to have ways of avoiding being too linear.
Of we're talking about replacing Danny's Phantom's Adventure...I've been wanting to do this for awhile, even though I know the "one old game from back then" is like practically mandatory in the featured section :P
Here's a few suggestions I have for replacing it, with 1 being the top recommended choice.
1. Project Origin Pt. 2
This is not just because I love Alma from FEAR. The writing was compelling(to me) and it was very well-written.
And I really do like Alma.
2. The Raven
Very creepy game and did very well in conveying the tone of The Raven.
3. Neon Genesis
It was pretty good and I thought it was a pretty funny and fun game to play through.
4. Quest for the Holy Grail
A interesting puzzle, though it was a lot of trial and error for people who haven't watched the movie. It was still really funny :3
5. It's Not Easy Being Me
It's completely brand new, but I do think it was pretty good. It has plenty of endings, decent writing... c:
Recommending one of these storygames for feeaturing in modern-adventure category.
EndMaster has three stories that are six stars in modern. And Answer the Call made by Magcos and SindriV has six too.
There is still one spot left for featuring in modern adventure. So maybe one of these gems worth featuring:
Tales From The Basement - EndMaster
Reppression - EndMaster
TRASH - EndMaster
Answer the Call - Magcos and SindriV
I’m going to have to get back to the story featuring suggestions later since I’m not sure what the procedure is (Is it a vote from the people? Vote from the admins? Do I just say fuck it all and just feature what I think is best? etc.)
I’d probably have people vote on the Fanfic replacement since I don’t really read much of that section.
As far as I know AppDude’s “My Vacation” story is still featured in the Modern Section, but he just took it down for retooling. Of course I don’t know when he’s putting it back up again.
Voting on a Fanfic story replacement for Danny Phantom is now taking place in the Parlor Room.
Sorygame for Unpublishing
"attack of the manatees" it's abhorrent. It has no concept of capitalization, it's decisions are random and have those annoying link loops in them, the plot is utterly horrible, the dialog was clearly written by either a stupid twelve year old or a troll, and the pacing... is indiscernible.
Finally, here is the description to show how crappy this thing is:
you are assaulted by a herd of disgruntled manatees. how will you fare?...
(there are a few errors which i will fix soon, but it is functional!)
THERE IS A WINNING END TO THIS GAME IF YOU CAN FIND IT
So... yeah... please unpublish this.
Comments for deletion for TOOTMS. There's some really funny (and mildly creepy) ones in here.
-- slanders27 on 4/9/2016 7:46:53 AM with a score of 771
2. Well, this was nice to read with my friends. There was some grammatical errors, and the story was a little in the bland beginning but it was entertaining. Also, my friend says, and I quote, "Sex with fourteen year olds? Really niggah?" Also, whose entire life is driven by the premise that they'll never have sex again?
-- Bears on 11/24/2015 7:47:34 PM with a score of 20
3. It wwas the best ever. the maze was hard but besides that it was great.
-- Zach on 6/20/2015 9:11:13 PM with a score of 4954
(double post) 4. Too tragic.
-- Hwon Yong on 5/27/2015 12:58:07 AM with a score of 5305
-- Daybreak on 3/31/2015 1:34:34 AM with a score of 5833
6. I like pie
-- DylanDJL on 2/12/2015 8:08:39 PM with a score of 5840
7.. ya-ya-ya, I'm Lorde. Neat story.
-- Lorde on 10/24/2014 2:58:54 PM with a score of 4844
8. didn't use the back button once and I got the infinite power and all crimson knights dead author email me when you make more
-- hunter on 6/23/2014 8:00:08 PM with a score of 4944
9. I thunk that u should decrease the "long story" and focus on giving life threatening situations more for gods sake!!
-- dailyviwer on 3/18/2014 7:40:33 AM with a score of 4941
10. Holy hard nipples batman that was fantastic. Is there an ending where artimus lives? I only got 2 bonings my entire life. Read this. Rigt now. And save a lot. Not too often though, also I finished this in one go. New record?
-- Jonnykill78 on 9/6/2013 12:11:26 PM with a score of 5930
11. realllllllllly amazzzzzzzzing
-- dannyjohn1999 on 1/21/2013 11:58:46 AM with a score of 4930
12. Yeah Baby Yeah!
-- Bigsmokeymcpot on 11/2/2012 3:27:13 AM with a score of 5255
13. mwwwaaaahhhh thanks
-- thorn on 8/28/2012 1:12:43 AM with a score of 1120
14. Great game, mazing sucked cos it was too hard but great on the whole
-- Xt1000305 on 4/3/2012 9:08:52 AM with a score of 369
-- daronmayfield on 4/3/2012 1:04:26 AM with a score of 1095
-- aggiefan2019 on 8/13/2011 9:26:49 PM with a score of 5275
17. Did in one go
-- Kdjeysfan on 5/4/2011 12:14:13 AM with a score of 5221
Finally, I have a comment for featuring for TOOTMS as well.
This game was awesome! I can't imagine how long you spent making it but I am extremely impressed. There were a few flaws like the maze being kind of buggy. There were some places where you could go forward but not back. Got to say, I don't think I've ever seen so many cliches piled into a story before. The young boy who's left orphaned because his parents were killed and his village destroyed. Then there's the generic female character who never really does anything useful and is just there to be the main character's love interest. And of course your character's the stereotypical "chosen one" who's destined to save the world from the day he's born. That said, I kind of liked the cliches in this story. They were well written so that you actually believed them and cared about what the character was going through. Also certain things about the way the story was written give me the impression that it was written by quite a young person, but not in a bad way. More in a way that you just know the writer's going to get better and better as he gets older. Great game, great story, lots and lots of praise. ^_^
-- Briar_Rose on 12/28/2012 5:10:47 PM with a score of 5859
It should replace:
An absolutely amazing piece of storytelling. The only problem (and it isn't one at all really, in my eyes) is that it is very linear, and cliché, but clichés become such because they are such good ideas. There is easily, however, enough unique ideas in the story that make any negatives infinitely small compared to the elegance of the story. I could see this actually being publishable, and would pay for this, knowing how good it is.
-- Devex3 on 4/16/2011 5:50:52 PM with a score of 6075
Some of those comments are not delete worthy, imo :l
Okay, I took out some of the weaker cases.
Mhm, It's why I didn't reply to your post directly so you could still add or change some suggestions around :)
I must say that this is good work, congrats.
I recommend This Fate to be featured, replacing Desperate Heart.
My reason will take a few paragraphs to explain, so bare with me.
This Fate is one of the most underrated games on the site with only a 5/8 player rating. I won't act like this is a surprise. It's one of those games that you leave feeling disappointed. You want a happy ending. Who doesn't? But then, you sit on it a few days. You keep heading back to it and start to realize how good it actually is. The emotion connotations. The feelings other than happiness. It's a story that nails the Love aspect of its category by inserting a real, emotional impact to it. We, as readers, seem to have distanced our other emotions in favor of the adrenaline inducing stories that get our hearts racing.
Desperate Heart, similarly, only has a 5/8 rating and is featured. Yet, unlike This Fate, Desperate Heart is chalk full of cliches and a lack of emotional impact. Oh, Kei's parents are dead? Yumiko is a sex slave? These traits don't have any impact as they're told. They're just another trait on another character. Its writing quality itself isn't very engaging either, unlike This Fate.
I understand we like to keep an obligatory old story on each category. The problem with this is... our standards have increased. Things like Ground Zero and Necromancer have remained because Endmaster's writing aged well. Things like Desperate Heart may have been great for their time, but that's only because our standards were less refined. Love & Dating falls into this trap especially well due to its, er, abundance of poor quality stories.
Through Time was featured, and I find the writing style of Killa_Robot in that story to be very similar in style to that of SoSaidL's in This Fate.
Even if This Fate is never featured, I still believe it deserves more recognition. It's, by far, one of the most underrated stories on the website.
Leaning towards doing this, unless someone wants to make a last valiant attempt at defending Desperate Heart.
I remember liking This Fate quite a bit. Most of the stories in that section are trash, it's in the same ghetto as fanfic and what school-based used to be, so while I can't recall anything specific about Desperate Hearts, new blood couldn't hurt.
Do I get any points, or was that abolished or something? Just curious.
For the recommendation I mean.
O, nevermind. Got it now.
Recommending comment for featuring in:
Footink: Fantasy Cave City
1. Very good! Especially for a first story. The writing style you use is easy to get drawn into and descriptive without seeming too heavy, and your spelling and grammar is perfect. I only wish it was longer, so that I could more accurately rate it, and although I have nothing against short stories as long as they're good (which this certainly is), I would recommend changing the play length to 3/8, because although there's a few different paths, all the paths are short by themselves, with only maybe three choices on each one. And the difficulty rating is definitely only 5/8 at the max. Other than the exaggerated ratings and the short length, this is a very good story and I'm sure you'll have good luck on your future ones.
-- Cinderblaze on 6/16/2016 11:42:55 AM
2. This is a great storygame especially considering that this is your first. The characters were fine, the choices were used proficiently, and your writing ability seems strong. The only problem is that "Footink" reminds me of tattooed feet, but I still liked it. 6/8
-- WouldntItBeNice on 6/16/2016 10:02:55 PM
The Chronicles Of Narnia Quiz
4. Very nostalgic to play through, and demonstrated a pretty thorough knowledge of the books. I had fun racking my brains trying to remember all the details.
There was a slight glitch at the end where the quiz told me I had gotten both 16-20 correct AND all 21 correct, but other than that, it was well spelled and well formatted. Some questions were fairly easy, others were actually pretty challenging, and there was a nice mix of variety throughout. It's worth a play through for fans of the series who want to see just how much they remember from all seven books.
-- the_quiller on 2/26/2016 2:53:31 AM with a score of 17
The Quest for the Holy Grail
5. Nice, quick game. Humorous writing, very much in the style of Monty Python. Check it out!
-- bwarcher on 8/17/2016 7:39:21 PM with a score of 10
6. Fun tribute to the movie. I was afraid that you mightn't handle the ridiculous humor in the right way, but you absolutely did. Great job!
-- Christian_Writer on 1/21/2014 2:11:19 PM with a score of 10
7. I always enjoy Briar Rose's games and this was a really good one. The way that the story fits together is really clever, like the Tower of Riddles.
Anyways great storygame
-- ck23838 on 6/14/2013 8:47:12 AM with a score of 10
-- pussyfucker on 4/22/2014 1:38:00 AM with a score of 3
9. Also, fantasy tag.
The Gauntlet II: Returning Home
10. Better then the first one. A bit linear but still fun. A few spelling and Grammatical errors but nothing a quick proofread next time wouldn't catch. Good to see not EVERYTHING was enormous this time but that word was still used a bit much, I would suggest investing in a Thesaurus for future writings. All in all a fun story with a good ending.
-- BigRonn77 on 9/20/2016 12:44:04 PM with a score of 0
The Road to Glasgow.
1. This was pretty good! There are enough twists to keep the reader interested, while also having a good balance of humor and spooky elements to be a quite a enjoyable read. I also came across no issues with grammar, or at least ones that are readily apparent.
So, in closing, I feel as if this is a decent story.
-- TharaApples on 10/3/2016 1:09:05 AM with a score of 0
Reasoning: Because there isn't a rule that says you can't recommend your own comments :D
2. very fun and entertaining all the way through. And I prefer stories like this where there isn't a ton of paragraphs to read through before making your decision. Great job on this one!
-- SonicTurboTurtle on 6/27/2015 5:18:20 AM with a score of 0
3. Good quality writing, but the story could use some polish.
Would be a nice addition to the new horror category.
-- Sethaniel on 12/4/2007 7:28:03 PM with a score of 0
4. Horror tag
5. Horror tag
6. Zombie tag
Late night visit
7. I must say that I quite enjoyed the approach that this story took. It wasn't overly descriptive but I consider that as a plus rather than a negative in the way the story was approached and how it reached it's ending. It isn't a startling plot twist at the end, but life isn't always full of those like dramas and movies like to portray. This was rather beautiful and a nice little story to pass a bit of time with :)
-- TharaApples on 10/3/2016 1:42:02 AM
8. Drama tag
Survive The Apocalypse
1. This was pretty ambiguous to say the least. While it's clear that much thought was put into the writing and structure of the story, the actual story lacks in any actual substance or anything that truly makes it stand out from the rest of the horror games with a zombie setting. It's not bad by any means, and it is just something I simply consider adequate.
So it's quite decent, if only just a bit cliche. But with a genre like the zombie genre, there's not much that one can do that hasn't already been done. So, for what it was this was still a game that had a decent bit of effort put forth to be an enjoyable read.
-- TharaApples on 10/4/2016 12:06:12 AM
2. Horror tag
3. A decent house of horrors although I wish I had some way to fight back against the monsters so it would feel more fair. The writing was good though and I enjoyed the pictures, though it would be nice if there were a few more. The sudden endings, the inexplicability of the monsters (is there a mad scientist in the basement making them) and my helplessness against them were the only downsides for me, overall fairly good though.
-- Will11 on 11/12/2014 5:09:07 AM
4. I think that you are really capable of a better story. The problem is that about the time we are about to get immersed into the story you end it abruptly. Let the suspense build. We should wander around the house for a few pages, or whatever the user chooses to do, with only subtle oddities and serving as additional foreshadowing. When the horror begins let us wallow in it for a bit before you conclude. Give us a few more pages of options as we try desperately to survive. You want us to say something like, "I should have seen that coming!" or "What! wow, what was that?" For the first don't be too predictable and for the second don't be to crazy. Choose a few horrible things to be in the house and be consistent; otherwise it becomes random and we can't get into the story. I look forward to seeing more work from you.
-- ugilick on 6/4/2013 10:44:07 PM
5. I survived! I think... Well, this was certainly quite a creepy game, and that is of course meant as a compliment in this case. The writing was quite engaging and served it's purpose in making the reader choose their choices carefully, not sure which one would lead to quite the unsavory path for the protagonist.
I must say that I immensely enjoyed this game.
-- TharaApples on 10/4/2016 12:36:00 AM
6. Horror tag
The White One
7. Horror tag
Exploding Alarm Clock - Return that item!
8. Ha-ha! That was pretty fun! I liked the overall concept of the story, which is to return a faulty alarm clock and get your money back. It might sound pretty generic or not even that fun, but trust me, it isn't easy to return a bad clock.
The story itself is very humorous, and at times made me laugh. Very good sense of humor.
The only thing I would have to say is that how could you bring the alarm clock if it explodes? In the story, your clock explodes... so you somehow bring it to the store? And then demonstrate it exploding again? How could you demonstrate if its already in pieces? This part I didn't understand.
But this was still very, very fun. I applaud you, for a very good story!
-- Fazz on 8/3/2014 12:20:12 AM
Umm, I think you've given me extra points on both posts xP Should we consider this my point redaction from that time before, when I had five unjustly taken? :c
Sure, might as well if true, but I’m fairly certain I've given you the proper amount of points.
Well the featured comments were correct, but I should only have 6 for story suggestions, I believe.
Edit: It really is just a 4 point difference when both posts are added together xD I lost 5 a few months ago, so it isn't like it was a total "redaction" anyway.
I gave points for the tags though too. I just usually all clump it together as “Story suggestions” unless someone is specifically giving me only tags or deletions to do.
So for the first you had 8 suggestions total- 8 points
Then 2 featured comments- 4 points.
For the second you had 8 suggestions total- 8 points
Then 2 more featured comments- 4 points.
It's actually just 6 suggestions, the featured comments aren't numbered separately from the rest of the suggestions. If I were to remove the comments, it would only be 6 suggestions. Umm, and you already added the featured comments by itself, so it became extra when you gave me 8 for suggestions :p
But maybe I wasn't supposed to notice, and you were only spoiling me because you think Thara is awesome, right? Right!? xD
Lol, I mean I clump featured comments, tags, deletions, etc as “Story suggestions” because I’m not going to bother dividing them all up separately with the amount I’m usually given all at the same time.
For example, your story suggestions for the first were listed as:
1. Comment feature suggestion for The Road to Glasgow- 1 point
2. Comment feature suggestion for The Road to Glasgow- 1 point
3. Comment feature suggestion for The Road to Glasgow- 1 point
4. Tag suggestion for The Road to Glasgow- 1 point
5. Tag suggestion for The Bloodweepers- 1 point
6. Tag suggestion for The Bloodweepers- 1 point
7. Comment feature suggestion for Late Night Visit- 1 point
8. Tag suggestion for Late Night Visit- 1 point
8 points total
2 points for your featured comment on The Road to Glasgow
2 points for your featured comment on Late Night Visit
4 points total
Your second post is similar.
Hmm, I see :P
So... how do I get your trophy? I think that's my next goal in mind, before the whole world domination thing.
You generally have to create a few good stories. Getting at least one them featured helps.
Try rocking your hips a little more.
I think it's time we had a serious talk with your parents.
Probably going to have a vote to fill up the modern adventure slot, at least until My Vacation comes back, assuming it ever does.
Comments for featuring in:
Surviving the EBD Classroom
1. This was certainly educational on how one should appropriately react as an educator to children. If surviving a single day is a uphill battle, I think I have certainly acquired a newfound respect for those that are able to do so everyday.
-- TharaApples on 10/5/2016 12:29:23 AM
2. Heh, it's good to teach people new things, and it's also great to learn some things too. I found this story actually quite amusing, as well as a nice experience. This would probably be good for younger kids that don't mind a bit of mild violence.
-- Shadowulf on 6/15/2016 6:59:49 PM
A Man to the Slaughter
3. Very interesting...
The intial plot of the story is pretty strange. Apparantly a bunch of cows being cloned at a slaughterhouse facility turn on the Humans and wreck havoc. I haven't seen a single story here like it, so the originality is very fresh. However, it has its faults...
First of all, the grammar was a minor issue, minor yes, but still an issue. It wasn't as big as some of the other low-quality and/or not-famous works of this site, and it was as simple as the occasional forgetting to capitilaize, punctuation, etc.
Second of all, you could've worked the story out better. Its a very original piece to this site, nothing like a BerkaZerka "Surrvev teh zumbehz", or a Warrior Cats ripoff that you would occasionally see with the low stars (seriously though, what's with all the hype about Warrior Cats? There's like 10 of them here!). As for this one, we could've seen a more of an RPG-ish or Sandbox-ish storygameplay here, but it felt very limited as there weren't many destinations or items to use. Adding to this, the story could've been better written out and have more of a detailed texture.
Third of all, and this isn't much of anything, but I noticed towards the end, if/when you join up with the cows, there is a "death gimmick" which is "...but for now this is THE END." I noticed how you didn't do this for any of the other deaths previously. So, if you are going to add the "THE END" gimmick, it HAS to be for all deaths! Otherwise it'll give a less of an experience for the reader.
Tacking with this, is the fact of the random deaths. Seriously? If you join the SWAT, (as an example), this is death reason: "oh, you killed some cows, but some cows killed you. 1o1 skrub!" (not an actual quote.) Really? Since where/when did a bunch of random cows come up to me? Wasn't I already pwning them? How could they have killed me? The deaths in this game aren't really that explained. They can be kind of random. However, some of them are (sort of) realistic. For example, if you start and then proceed to run straightaway to the gates, you die. I guess this kind of makes sense considering you're bare-handed, but even if later you get a weapon and then run to the gates you STILL die?(!) ...Why?
As a little side-comment, is there anyway to beat this? I can't find an ending where you join up with the SWAT/Humans, its only with the cows and plus you die if you join them. It doesn't seem like you have much of a choice... or maybe there is a way to win, its just that I haven't been playing as much as I should be...
-- Fazz on 7/30/2014 2:15:09 AM with a score of 0
Math and Poetry - The Great Adventure
4. I feel like this was a quirky little philosophy parable. The idea is certainly new, since I've never though of Math and Poetry as anthropomorphic beings that go on road trips together, but I did enjoy their characterizations and their dialogue, since there was always a meta-level that commented on the nature of those two subjects instead of those two characters in the story.
However, as interesting of an intellectual exercise that reading this may have been, it was very, very short for a storygame with a rather tepid plot. Granted, it was well written with excellent spelling and grammar, but I think only a very small audience will find the plot and the characters compelling due to the simple fact that this story game is mostly a commentary about the similarities and differences of two intangible concepts.
-- the_quiller on 3/10/2016 2:09:41 AM
Aww man. Now I miss Quiller.
Quiller has many featured comments :) I can only guess that this person brought much insight and intelligence to the forums, then again that's just my own inference.
He was a great writer and even greater artist.
plz com bec senpai
Recommending comment for deleting in: (Don't give me a point for this, please c:)
You are a Fish
Who knew that being a fish could be so exciting? I rather enjoyed this story, there were some mistakes with grammar but it wasn't anything too bad. I think this story is a excellent storygames for children that ever imagined what it would be like as a fish, as bizarre as that sounds.
This was a cute story, so much so that it makes me want to want to explore all of the possible choices for a happier ending for myself. (I was eaten :c)
-- TharaApples on 10/5/2016 10:05:40 PM
Reasoning: I messed up with grammar, I'm going to repost it with corrections for a feature :P Also now technically a double post.
Comment for featuring in above game:
Who knew that being a fish could be so exciting? I rather enjoyed this story, there were some mistakes with grammar but it wasn't anything too bad. I think this is a excellent storygame for children that ever imagined what it would be like as a fish, as bizarre as that sounds.
This was cute, so much so that it makes me want to want to explore all of the possible choices for a happier ending for myself. (I was eaten :c)
-- TharaApples on 10/5/2016 10:24:29 PM
Somebody decided to troll by creating many stupid, perverted comments in this game.
-- Toodle on 9/16/2016 2:23:21 PM
IVE MEEEEE A BLOOOOOWWWWWJOOOOBBBBB
-- Fuckhole on 9/16/2016 2:19:42 PM
Wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wnak wank wank wank wank
-- Ass tinkle on 9/16/2016 2:17:39 PM
-- Fart on 9/16/2016 2:17:04 PM
U is dumb for dah food
-- Pyufus on 9/16/2016 2:14:40 PM
I wanted to hold dat ass but i was not alowd??????????
-- Dogfooooood on 9/16/2016 2:06:48 PM
What Do You Want To Do Tonight?
1. I really liked this :D It reminded me of a relationship I was in when I was about 16-18 when I just wanted to have fun with my girlfriend Amy by doing stuff like you described about in these stories: biking together, going to movies, dinners, playing X Box etc :D It's a nice kind of innocence before adult life intervenes :P
I thought your story was very well-written and fun, like Kiel said you kept the shole sexual element out of it and it sounded like activities two very best friends would do together in a romantic way rather than two lovers, the pictures definitely helped make the story more fun and entertaining. You have a nice sense of humour in your writing style which also helps make the story more readable as well :D
Overall good work, this is a nice little story and quite fun to read through for five or ten minutes so good work :D
-- Will11 on 5/11/2016 2:49:06 AM
2. Huh... okay, this wasn't as bad as I expect "personal" projects to be and you intentionally skipped out on making this some excuse to write about you boning your boyfriend/crush/significant other like most folks (which, goddamn it, always makes for a terrible story, always) so thanks for that.
On the other hand, this wasn't very polished and... honestly kind of bored me. It's still not a high quality or exciting story, and a reader knowing this wasn't for them is not going to feel invested. I hope your SO liked it, and if he did, great... but eh. This is still below what I consider average.l standards.
-- Kiel_Farren on 5/11/2016 2:07:41 AM
3. Hi Mandiee! Upon reading your story, I must say that you did a great job on making it long and has a couple of choices especially when I was able to experience the extreme adventures and got the happy ending. Well, I chose the movie first but the ending is not that satisfying so I played it all over again. Moreover, yes it's long but I think it needs more emotions for the readers to get hooked up and not be bored. :) Kudos!
-- SimplyKatie on 5/11/2016 1:57:34 AM
Finals Week: Senior Year Edition
4. Not that bad.
-- Jimmysutton on 4/7/2016 3:00:39 PM
5. Not that bad.
-- Jimmysutton on 4/7/2016 3:00:37 PM
Reasoning: Both of these, but there's a third one that I think could stay.
How not to be eaten by a dragon
-- Jack CHen on 8/22/2016 4:02:35 AM
7. Not bad, but there could have been some improvements to this game. I liked the pictures and the writing of this story. It seems like you know a lot about how the military works... or just played a lot of SOCOM, both I respect mind you. The main problem this game had was the linearity; one bad move and you are dead, but I guess that's how it is like in real life. Still, I think there should be different strategies you could have used to rescue the captives, for example infiltrating the prison stealthily or guns blazing. As it stands, the game was a fun way to waste ten minutes.
-- FazzTheMan on 7/4/2015 8:34:49 PM
Get out alive
8. A strange way to spend 15 minutes. I was expecting a search and rescue game but, well, basically managed to wake up from a bizarre dream. It took me a while to find the sword (and many deaths...), but in the end it felt satisfying to murder the creatures that had tormented me.
The difficulty in this story is to find a logical way forward. Many of the options are exceedingly random with draconic consequences. They can be repeated as many times as the player wishes, which feels a bit strange. Additionally, some elements are superfluous. What purpose did the knife and the laser gun serve? You can get through the game without them.
So all in all, the story was definitely creative, but felt like it was completed in a hurry. Keep at it, cMitchell3! ;)
-- PaulOnFire on 1/11/2016 8:36:50 AM with a score of 0
Dressing The Part
9. Well researched and interesting :) Also a rather original topic, I can honestly say I have never before in my life wondered in what order a Victorian lady put on her clothes in the morning :)
-- Will11 on 3/9/2015 11:19:35 PM with a score of 20
10. Historical tag.
1. I'll admit, I was sceptical of how good this would be at first, however it actually wasn't half bad. Your descriptive writing was pretty good and your perspective whilst writing stayed the same. From what I could tell, the characters were fairly fledged out, though we certainly didn't see enough of a game to really learn who each character is. The only thing that I'd criticize is the story length and sometimes randomness of the choices (although, this Darien might be a more trusting fellow than me, in which case ignore that). All in all, it wasn't so bad. Nice little short story.
-- Delta44 on 9/12/2014 6:52:54 PM
2. A great story! It was full of detail. It had near perfect grammar and spelling, and I really liked your way of execution and writing style.
For me, this could have been feature-worthy if you had lengthened it, and branched off more paths. This was great but could have been greater with more effort.
-- Penworth on 6/18/2015 12:36:17 PM
3. The thought and work put into the story is magnificent. The choices mostly make sense and the action is superb. There are a few spelling and grammar mistakes, but nothing too serious that takes away from the story. It's obvious you worked hard on this story and did your best with the detail and development. A little difficult but not extremely.
-- Apollo118 on 9/10/2016 5:43:22 PM with a score of 0
4. The idea of your story is good and it has much potential, but it is a shame that your story itself feels... lacking. The general events, etc. are good and well thought through, in my opinion, but the lack of real descriptive text (like a description of surroundings, motivations or persons) makes it hard for the reader to really engage with your story.
Furthermore, because there is not much text on each page, the pacing of the story seems very fast. In less than five minutes of read-time you jump from waking up through different short scenes to an end-game-screen.
Like I said before I really like the idea of your story and if you'd manage to flesh it out some more by, for example, writing some more text on the pages or adding some more pages in general, I'm sure that it would rank into the higher scores of its category. Unfortunately, at the moment I've rated it a 4/8, because of the things listed above.
-- Romulus on 8/4/2014 9:52:42 AM
5. ...so much potential and yet...so little story. The very first real choice you were given, whether to sit with your boyfriend or your best friend, and then two years pass after that *one* choice. And the outcome is quite..exaggerated, to say the least.
I think if more was put into this story, with more decisions (and ones that made more sense at times), then this would be a very, very good CYOA story. More content, more choices, and a longer adventure--that would much improve this one. It has potential and the writing isn't bad at all.
-- LoneSilverWolf on 7/25/2014 3:15:52 AM
6. Well, that was an interesting read. While being short it was good, and it had interesting characters (Even though there are only four characters that talk). I do think that the title is a little over-dramatic about the events in the game, but I still think it was fitting.
The grammar was good, but it wouldn't hurt to have a little more than a paragraph on each page. There are no spelling mistakes (Though there was a moment where you accidentaly spelled 'mean while' instead of 'meanwhile'). None of the characters have a colorful personality, but that wouldn't add much to the story.
Overall, this is a good game and is interesting. Demon in Disguise gets a 7/8. It porbably equals to Reese's cups, it's nowhere near better, but rather equal.
-- 11302 on 7/22/2014 7:16:31 PM
7. Romance Tag
8. Drama Tag
Pushing A Desert Army: The Castle
9. Part of series tag
Choose Your Own Misadventure
10. Humor tag
1. The Storygame is well done and the color-scheme is surprisingly nice, and while the story is (obviously) barely existent the humor is really hilarious. We have another Storygame on the site that has a similar premise but I'd say hands down this one is better. 5/8
-- Tanstaafl on 8/20/2015 1:31:33 PM with a score of 0
The Left-Handed Man
2. Very good story! From what I remember of the Biblical story, it seems quite accurate to that as well. I should send the link to my dad; he's always liked the story of Ehud and says people should view the Old Testament as more adventurous than they do.
Anyway, on my own commentary--very good work. It can't be easy to make a brief Old Testament story an interesting game. Certainly one of the best in the category. Good work!
-- Trzcina on 12/23/2009 6:02:37 PM
An Honourable Gentleman?
3. I am such a social climber! This story is very similar to the previous one but entirely serious and you've caught the hang of the tone, speech and manners of the time quite well. It could have been spiced up with a few duels, affairs, extravagant beard growing and the like but within it's limits it was a fine little story :) It'd be interesting to see this developed,
Something along the lines of "Oh Joy I have a husband but alas, he had his head removed by a cannonball at Waterloo which was rather inconvenient and since then his manners have suffered deplorably with his Lordship showing very little interest in conversation or his usual interests. One feels one has absolutely no choice but to go walking in the park with his cousin and take in the sights, regardless of the scandal and dishonour such frivolous behaviour will undoubtably bring on one's fair and upturned hair etc." :D
-- Will11 on 9/20/2016 10:35:50 PM
5. Historical tag
6. I became countess! Well, this was a well-written game and the narrative was something that I rather enjoyed.
So I must say, bravo! :D My only complaint was that it was a bit short, but it wasn't bad by any means.
-- TharaApples on 9/20/2016 7:38:07 PM
Moribund School Day
7. Zombie tag (actually never explained, but anything that's mindless and displays cannibalistic tendencies is a zombie, imo :P)
8. Horror tag
9. Humor tag
Survive The Sphinx
10. Part of series tag
11. Humor tag
Revenge of the Sphinx
12. Part of series tag
13. Humor tag
The Pictures from the Prophecy
14. Fantasy tag
Master Of Strings
15. Drama tag
Suggested story game for deletion:
It barely has any choices, and it isn't really a story (it's just somebody whining about being banned for shitposting).
When Naomi said she was going to make a story about what happened, I figured she was going to post something in the Writing Workshop.
This story would have to come down anyway, since it goes against the whole no "site in-joke" CYOAs rule on here.
I told you why Kingler was banned.
It was banned because you kept shitposting as Naomi in the graveyard thread and instead of banning your current alt, you got minor relief by merely losing your alt instead.
Though with the way you're going I can see you're looking to lose Naomi as well.
Recommending account for deletion:
1. Nears Read levels of cancerous by the day.
2. Thinks End's banning of his alt was anything but deliberate.
3. Is the absolute worst GM in the forum games that I've seen. (That Pokemon RP isn't going anywhere currently.)
4. Thought his story was actually going to last a single day of being published.
5. Has brought his horrendous posting to the Draw My Attention thread. (unforgivable!)
6. Thara has a near one hundred percent ratio for recommendations/suggestions, pretty trustworthy gal.
7. Just kidding :D (Or am I?)
I have a comment for featuring for Steve's most recent storygame. Yes, this is shameless self-promoting, but this is also the only comment with more than one sentence so far.
I'm going to get this comment featured. :)
Well, where to start... It's a good story like you always manage. I especially liked the humor and the daemon Mel... mel... oh Hell, I'll just call him M. He did remind me of Dendrin from Eternal, but I love both of those characters. I do wonder why M focused so much on our protagonist (though a bit was cleared up in a certain ending). I hope to see you developed their relationship if you ever make a sequel because I'd love to see more of our friendly daemon.
Fay is a bit of an interesting character. At first, I believed that you would take that character in plainly romantic directions due to... her original state of dress. Nonetheless, their relationship is mostly just two warriors and friends which I found refreshing (though there are ways to make their relationship a "relationship"). Her character development was lacking, for she was simply our protagonists' loyal, tough friend. The most interesting aspect of her that I found was *semi-spoilers* when she asked to be a couple. Regardless of the answer being yes or no, she would state that she agreed and wanted that answer *End Spoilers*. I believe that all she wanted was to make Karth happy which is a very nice thing to do in a very dark galaxy.
Speaking about the galaxy, I like the way you created this grimdark world. Everything's basically either corrupt, trying to kill, or doing both. The leaders of the various factions were all quite memorable which is a strong feat since there were so many of them. I was never lost or confused about the world, though I certainly have not much of a clue with what is beyond the very little of the universe that Karth has already seen.
The one major problem I have is the linear nature of the game. Much like Necromancers' non-demon path, the two options are either die and end the game or live and continue on with the storyline. Perhaps I missed something, but the only major variation that I found, from making opposite and surviving choices in two different play-throughs, was through on-page scripting. Nonetheless, your rather amazing writing abilities and the 8/8 length more than make up for this sole fault I can find with Fear the Psyker.
Finally, this is a fanficion... Damn, that's impressive. If it wasn't for the fact that you said that this is fanfiction (and my previous knowledge on Warhammer), I'd have no idea that this is FF. At least at the time of this posting, CYS needs some really good games to enter this category, and I am very thankful that you have. Hopefully, this shows that it is possible to actually write good ff in a choose your own story format. I give this an 8/8 especially since this is historically a less than stellar category.
Oh, also... Waaagh!
-- WouldntItBeNice on 10/9/2016 12:59:13 AM with a score of 0
1. This story was certainly quite spooky, you did well in creating such a ominous and oppressive atmosphere for the reader as they try their best to brave the horrors that are in this, hoping for survival.
The entire time that I played this, I couldn't help but be reminded of some classic horror stories, especially the cyoa stories that I had played when I was much younger, with the many ways that I found myself meeting my own demise.
All in all, this was a solid horror game amongst the others that are in the horror section. I only have one minor complaint with the minor issues in grammar that I came across, but it didn't ruin my experience with this game by any means.
-- TharaApples on 10/10/2016 2:23:09 AM
Extinction of the Neanderthals
2. I'm going to assume that you put this in the Sci-Fi category because a lot of the events that take place are based on theories about early human evolution that haven't been definitively proven yet, but the way this game is structured and written makes it a better fit for the Edutainment category.
I did enjoy playing it, and you clearly did some research and found fitting pictures for each page. I appreciated how you allowed the reader to progress onto the next option without backtracking as well - that's something else that makes me feel like this is more an Edutainment game than a Sci-Fi one. There wasn't much written, but what's there is coherent, proofread, and gets the point across admirably.
If you're still interested in expanding this game, I would love to see more elaboration on how Neanderthals lived: their diet, community, how they hunted, both violent and nonviolent interactions with the invading Homo Sapiens, et cetera. It's definitely a very unique point of view, and could include a lot of educational theories about ancient flora and fauna as well as the beginnings of human civilization.
-- the_quiller on 3/2/2016 3:01:22 AM
3. Move to the Edutainment category
4. Add historical tag
High School Romance
5. Romance tag
Recommending comments for deletion: (Strap yourselves in!)
Phoenician Trade Game
-- uptaywhjsjssnsn on 10/28/2015 2:16:39 PM with a score of 0
7. more ineratev and more levels piz thanks
-- JACKSON on 10/28/2015 2:09:59 PM with a score of 0
-- Sam on 10/29/2015 4:28:39 PM with a score of 0
9. I like turtles
-- zombie kid on 10/29/2015 8:06:50 AM with a score of 0
-- jaden on 10/29/2015 8:06:13 AM with a score of 0
-- hfyhjm on 10/27/2015 8:45:07 AM with a score of 0
12. Git gud
13. This story was quite informative and I found the use of items in this story quite interesting also. It really did provide another level of depth to everything and made things more interactive, that is always a positive.
Spelling and structure wise, there weren't much problems in that area as well. It seems quite a bit of effort and care was placed into making something both educational and fun for the reader :D
Bravo, this is definitely something that was rather fun and serviceable as a Edutainment story game.
-- TharaApples on 10/10/2016 3:47:16 AM with a score of 0
Recommending comment for deletion in:
-- trfed on 3/30/2015 10:09:22 PM with a score of 0
A Web of Dreams
15. I will admit, the story is definitely pretty short. Despite the length, the amount of descriptive details for each page was really good.
The ending was a well-constructed plot twist as well. I came out of this story feeling pretty satisfied.
-- AppDude27 on 9/10/2015 8:02:53 PM
And another set of suggestions done.
Not really a story
This thread is mostly for the things that the mods themselves may miss. Something that's at the top of the list (at least at the time of this post) of newly published story games isn't eligible for points or anything, and the mods don't need to be notified about something that's easily visible.
That mostly applies to whether a person is trying to recommend something for being deleted, it'll be deleted by the end of the day if not sooner or later, especially if the quality is 1/8.
Comment for deletion, AntiHero posted the same comment twice,
It was a good story overall,but could have been better
-- AntiHero on 10/10/2016 9:30:52 PM
-- AntiHero on 10/10/2016 8:55:33 PM
Recommending some comments for deletion:
1) Escape the Room 2
"READ IS FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ?? ?? ?? ?'?'\????\?= ( ¯ ???¯) =e/????/’?’? ? ?? ?? ??"
2) resident evil (my way)
3) all because of a breakfast sandwich
4) Prisoners of Pain
5) The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
-- FireFlame, FireFlame
6) The Ant Hill Kids
"boooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnggggggggggg worst ever"
7) War of Brothers
8) September the 14th: Part VII: A New Bomb
9) The True Story of Ram Sutcosky
10) Back to the '90s
Hey! Get your own reccomedation format, that's how I do it... :v
Aaand I just wasted a minute of my life...
Thanks Thara! :)
You're quite welcome, I'm always glad to see some originality :3
Not that I was actually being serious, you didn't have to edit it lel
>:C Well I can't really change that now... can I?
She didn't reply directly at your post, so you can edit it.
Wow, I must say that I love the rather new twists that you made with such a recognizable fairytale. It certainly kept things fresh, and it didn't change things too dramatically to achieve that effect. Arguably so in the not changing things "too" much :)
Anyway, I found this to be quite imaginative, the humor and writing is definitely praiseworthy to say the least. I recommend that everyone give this a read, multiple ones in fact to get the full experience from this rather lovely story.
Bravo, kallykat :D
-- TharaApples on 10/12/2016 4:41:33 PM
Homo Perfectus 2
1. This story was even better than the first one. I liked how the reader was given the chance to follow both Adam and Damage's stories/paths and see how they eventually meet each other. The plot was hooking and managed to keep my attention, and I liked the numerous fight scenes that popped up throughout the game. The writing was alright - the scenes were definitely more detailed, but some of them sounded as if the facts were merely being stated, such as the beginning one when the couple discovers Damage. It would've been better if dialogue was included, but it didn't really ruin the story. The characters had more personality in this game than the last one, and it was fun to learn more about them.
Overall, this game was enjoyable and more improved than the last one. It had the right amount of action and pacing, and I liked how the story gradually built up towards the climax. The fight scenes were sometimes hard to navigate through, and it took a few tries before I could finally defeat Damage without killing myself. Otherwise, it was fun to play and definitely a good way to spend time.
-- SummerSparrow on 4/11/2016 7:39:33 PM with a score of 0
2. Dis gim suts nuts.
-- haledakota on 7/6/2012 7:22:34 PM with a score of 0
-- poopeh on 6/17/2014 12:57:19 AM with a score of 0
4. Humor tag
5. The premise of this game is very straightforward, you are abducted by aliens and have to escape to get back home. I thought the writing did a reasonable job of setting the scene, and trying to figure out how to find useful items and then use them helped keep the game engaging. It took me a little bit of time to work out how to actually use the cards to escape! The character was developed just enough to make you care about them. Purely for fun, I checked some of the ‘bad’ endings and I thought they were kind of amusing.
The game was very simple, but what was written was executed well, although I would have liked there to be some more puzzles, e.g. to get each of the cards. The brevity of the game and simplicity of the challenge and plot mean I can only give it a 5/8, but all in all it was a good storygame.
-- Future on 3/5/2016 3:54:18 AM with a score of 0
6. It was short, straightforward, and fun with a touch of silliness. I really enjoyed the narration, and the puzzle was both original and interesting.
I also enjoyed the pretty colors. The blue background really added to the alien atmosphere, although your writing alone was enough to set the tone.
And most of the death scenes made me laugh, which is always a plus.
-- the_quiller on 3/2/2016 3:14:32 AM with a score of 0
7. I loved this. The puzzle itself was a little simplistic, but the way it's designed, the way the player actually moves around the game world made it feel more like interactive fiction than a CYOA. One of my WIPs is in that style so it's interesting seeing it in practice.
The writing was good and funny, and most of the actions that led to death were clued in well enough. (Though I was clicking them anyway just to read the endings! The 'didn't you read the sign' one was short but got a laugh out of me.)
-- mizal on 3/3/2016 8:40:43 AM with a score of 0
8. Ah, yes. For a first attempt at a storygame, especially for someone whose mother language isn't English, this game was far better than what I went in expecting. There are, admittedly, several blips with grammar and spelling sprinkled throughout, but the story was coherent and readable enough.
What really saves this is the humor. There's a lot of fourth wall breaking, lampshading the limitations of the basic editor, poking fun at CYOA conventions, and a dry sarcasm that made the narration quite fun to read.
Although this game still has a lot of flaws, I was thoroughly amused. I would love to see what you can do with more time, more experience, and the advanced editor (which has variables and whatnot). If this is what you can do in a day, while you're still learning the ropes, I'll be looking forward to what you can produce if you really put your all into it.
-- the_quiller on 3/4/2016 6:14:54 PM
Is that guy making alts to comment and rate his story?
Yeah, same guy or same IP at least. Doesn't matter, they're all dead now.
I suggest raising Clear Sky to a 7/8 maturity rating (or at least a 6/8) from a 3/8. The reasons are simple. Here's an example:
"Well, my parents used to rape me."
"That is not so bad."
"With a 12 inch dildo..."
Here's another example:
"Imma gudsake u fukrs burn in hell! Baztrd homo--"
"WHAT THE FUCK!"
Also, I suggest moving The New Cadet: A Sci-Fi Adventure into fanfiction since it is set in the Star Trek universe.
Well then. That example has convinced me this game's shit.
"Well, my parents used to rape me."
"That is not so bad."
"With a 12 inch dildo..."
Obviously Negative took some real life inspiration for his story. (Actually it's not a bad story)
Era of Shadows: The Cloaked Dagger
4. Excellent use of the Advanced Editor, good writing and enjoyable characters make this an interesting tactical story-game, a good combination of story and game. The instructions and lack of options at the beginning slow the opening down a little but it is difficult to avoid this I find. I would agree with the last comment about not liking the sudden ending just as we were getting into it, it's important to have some closure or the reader feels a bit cheated. A successful ending to the mission followed by a "wait where's (name)..." is a good mix of cliff-hanger and closure :) But I look forward to seeing more, 7/8.
-- Will11 on 2/13/2015 12:26:20 PM with a score of 6
Recommending comments for deletion in:
Twilight of The Apocalypse: PT 1
5. This story was a fucking piece of shit! Whoever wrote it is a son of a bitch for creating this funking story! Asshole!
-- Lilly on 4/19/2015 11:53:12 AM with a score of 0
6. This was a fucking story! I totally agree with cussing at the person! They are a son of a bitch and an asshole! This was a fucking story! Whore! Just a piece of shit!
-- Lilly on 4/19/2015 11:56:43 AM with a score of 0
Reasoning: While somewhat humorous, they fit the criteria. I know you find reviews like this amusing, so you can say that we're actually immortalizing them by posting them in this very thread :3
It gets automatically deleted for a 1/8 rating.
Recommending comments for featuring & tag suggestions:
I escaped! I found the writing in this game to be rather enjoyable, even if it did lack some exposition and background information. Information such as to how this war had came to be to begin with, not like the omission of such things were a detriment to the story.
I enjoyed this for what it was, and how old terms and weapons were used in certain parts of the story. It certainly helped with providing a decent amount of immersion :)
All in all, this was a rather fun piece of writing.
-- TharaApples on 10/14/2016 5:13:37 AM
1. You have to ask the question why would I eat dinner with a man who is trying to kill me in his castle with all his soldiers serving the food? :) I suspect my character is not the brightest bulb in Scotland, good period detail though and an interesting read. I would have preferred it if it was longer and the story was developed more but the writing was good.
-- Will11 on 3/8/2015 10:57:10 PM
2. Historical tag
3. Serious tag
Recommending comment for deletion:
4. Pretty good for other people.
-- Jimmysutton on 4/7/2016 11:44:47 AM with a score of 0
Reasoning: Double posted.
Recommending game for unpublishing:
Shootout at New York City
5. Reasoning: Escaped the purge. But then again, it could've just dropped to a 2/8.
The Secret of the Mysterious Door
6. fxdHUtwo GXDaqraHJM
-- butty mcbuttface on 6/6/2016 2:20:15 PM
Evento de Valentine's Day
7. Foreign Language tag
Hostage Rescue 1- Past transgressions
8. Serious tag
Recommending comment for featuring:
The Vampire Hunter
Wow, this game is quite humorous in all honesty :D The writing and humor are both done well and compliment each other, and the scenarios can change dramatically with whatever choice the reader may decide. Certain things like that give this story quite a unique charm, and a decent amount of replay value.
This story is definitely very fun, I recommend this for all to play.
-- TharaApples on 10/14/2016 7:15:27 AM
I'm almost there, s-so close to four digits :P
Consider all of these suggestions/contributions my making up for all of the missed time. I'm playing a game of catch-up for making my account and then just vanishing for three years, but then again... I only made like two posts so it wasn't really 'vanishing' at all, I suppose.
There you go, 5 bonus points to put you at 4 digits.
Hope it was everything you dreamed it would be. Lol.
You're too kind :3
As for it being everything that I dreamed it would be, well... I expected more fireworks, but this is just as nice. Thank you, End. ^-^
I'm going to guess you were suggesting that this comment be featured.
I just realized that's the Nazi dude's story. Lol.
I suppose the more accurate term is "white nationalist" or perhaps "white seperatist" (at best) but it's funnier to just call him a Nazi and be done with it. Anyway, he was advertising his story on Stormfront.
There's a whole thread about it here:
comment for deletion
-- madmax on 10/15/2016 12:31:35 AM
I must do my part for the purge.
It's both broken as in you can't actually finish it, but it also doesn't include any actual choices.
I've been preparing something very special, End :D
It'll hopefully be done shortly, I hope... although it is something that is very special for me.
The Princess Pretty appreciation comment featuring & tagging for the treasured "guilty pleasure" series of CYS:
Princess Pretty - Adventure Begins -
This will most likely sound like a love letter rather than just a typical comment, but...
I must say that I absolutely adore this story! It really gives quite a colorful and detailed narrative of a princess whom decides to rebel from her daily life of royalty and luxury, and she does so with adventuring in mind. I found Princess Pretty to be rather endearing in all honesty, and that is owed to the writing that never misses a beat in providing many things. Be it laughs, smiles, or gasps.
This story is just very beautifully written. It has a colorful cast of characters, and the humor is in abundance.
-- TharaApples on 10/15/2016 6:18:27 PM
Princess Pretty - The Festival of Hearts -
Wow, it sure is fun to once again be Princess Pretty :) Just like the first, this story is full of vibrant descriptions, seriously. Most of the descriptions for the food alone had me quite envious, not to mention the dress gowns that Pretty had the luxury of choosing. The story never lacks in detail or humorous dialogue, and it really does a excellent job of presenting the "woes" of being a beautiful princess that is adored by all.
I also found Pretty's interactions with a certain Captain of the Queen's Guard to be rather enjoyable.
The wonderful writing, vibrant characters, and a plot that never fails to be an entertaining ride the entire way through, definitely makes this worthy of much praise.
-- TharaApples on 10/16/2016 12:13:14 AM
Princess Pretty - The Captain of the Queen's Guard -
There really isn't enough words to describe my fondness for this series, but I will certainly try my best to do so.
Touching. This was endearing, and it didn't sacrifice any of it's usual humor or charm to elicit that, especially towards the end. Just like the two previous games, the writing never fell flat in captivating me with it's wit and charm.
The new perspective that we are given as Floridel, as we see his story that explains his history with the Princess, and how their relationship came to be is done quite well. All of their interactions were just hilarious, and it made me even more fond for both Pretty and for Floridel, as it provided both characters with more depth.
It was fascinating to witness just how much their relationship changed, and how so much of it didn't. As confusing as that sounds, there's really no better way for it to be put into words by me :)
The Princess Pretty series never fails in consistency. The writing is always done so wonderfully, and each story leaves me with a sense of joy.
This entire series definitely gets the Thara seal of approval :D
-- TharaApples on 10/16/2016 1:14:07 AM
Now moving on from my own comments:
1. This it's been a while since I gave someone high score. The writing and grammar were very well executed, with few mistakes, and the humor was well crafted. I chuckled on every other page! The amount of choices and such were very enjoyable, and never really stale (in terms of quantity). A very good job: 6/8.
-- LeoScales7 on 9/14/2014 1:52:12 PM
2. Humor tag
3. Good: Great attention to detail & description (much better than the first one), Good Storyline (like the first one), Good spelling & grammar.
Bad: The difficulty could be a bit harder (a chance to lose makes the reader try harder), could be a little longer but overall the lenth is not bad as it would be a chapter in a book (or a long story).
Ye have certainly turned this story around for the better & i was able to immerse myself in the story much better because of the great attention to detail & description, it was truly a pleasure to read this next part of the story & i personally can't wait till the next part becomes available so that i may continue on this grand adventure! So far it is well done & ye have the makings of a great author. Keep up the great work!
-- bearclaw01234 on 10/25/2014 8:00:46 AM
4. I admit that my rating might be slightly biased towards the high end because your story's juxtaposed against the recent stream of rather shoddy new stories, but can I was just so happy to see a game showed a lot of effort and was actually a lot of fun to play as well.
Your writing speed is impressive, and the sequel still has the cracky, witty humor of the first Princess Pretty game that I also enjoyed. Looking at profile, it looks like there's more to come, so I'll definitely be looking forward to it!
-- the_quiller on 10/25/2014 4:12:39 PM
6. I love the entire Princess Pretty series. It's heartfelt and entertaining despite - or perhaps even because of - it's innocent, almost child-like tone. Proof that storygames can still be excellent even on the light and fluffy end of the spectrum.
-- the_quiller on 3/2/2016 5:40:04 PM
7. I very much enjoy your writing voice. It suits truly the tone of your story. You built the atmosphere with such a perfectly pleasant sense of humor.
Because it is a prequel we can't expect much in the form of choices but we still get a fun element of autonomy. I enjoyed the somewhat cartoonish style of characterization. It really worked in your favor.
Your work would have benefited from a bit more proofreading, several cases of "i" instead of "I," and a few other typos. They are hardly distracting from the story which overall reads neatly. Personally the length of this storygame is nice. Just long enough for depth, detail, and immersion but not long enough to wear out its gentle touch.
-- ugilick on 6/16/2015 3:42:32 PM
8. Humor tag
Thank you for making such wonderful games :3
I like turtles.
-- FyzaRyza on 10/16/2016 1:17:39 PM with a score of 12290
This has nothing to do with the game.
You still owe me two points for my last suggestions. :)
Comments for deletion for my favorite storygame on this site.
1. not good
-- nex on 9/20/2016 3:10:33 AM with a score of 0
2. WHY MUCH PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS
-- Hazzy on 9/1/2016 12:57:28 AM with a score of 0
-- DJfresh on 7/25/2016 8:50:51 PM with a score of 0
-- fart fart on 7/18/2016 6:50:39 PM with a score of 0
-- TRFTW on 6/12/2016 8:38:52 PM with a score of 0
6. Its whatever
-- Ch on 5/24/2016 12:03:40 AM with a score of 0
7. SO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLL
-- SANSTHESKELETON on 3/18/2016 5:58:22 PM with a score of 0
-- Cfct on 4/5/2015 8:44:05 PM with a score of 0
9. ) ;
-- moomooplatter on 2/18/2013 2:56:47 AM with a score of 0
Fear the Psyker
It's showing up as a Top Rated story already, and it's not like it isn't objectively better than everything else in the Fanfic section anyhow. Replace, uh, anything but Carmen Sandiego or The Raven.
I say we remove HIGHWAYS to HELL for Fear the Psyker!
I second that notion on featuring Steve's story.
There was someone who actually messaged me about it. They wanted me to recommend it for featuring, but I like to take my time with stories sometimes :P
Agreed, but we'll fumble through the democratic process anyway.
I'll set up one of those voting things.
I want to witness this epic moment before I crash.
About the discussion we were having, I'm going to post some ideas here. I'm not entirely sure if they fit the criteria, but here goes...
Also, would I still get the points for the stuff I did in PM? It'd be 5 points I think.
1) Mommy, Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight
2) The Wal*mart Game
3) American Outlaws: The James Gang
4) Phobe Lighthouse thing
5) Kill Aman's Mustache
Walmart was up there, but I think it got replaced but the vacation story. I think I might just put Mommy back up.
Briar’s story uses the Advanced editor pretty extensively doesn’t it?
I could put hers in the advanced section and then put Achilles in the New Users section.
That could work :D
I really did like Briar's story, but I was thinking we could put up the finished version instead of the current one.
Unfortunately she hasn't published that one and I have no idea when she's coming back. I'd certainly replace it if she does and publishes the new one.
I really hope she's doing okay and that she'll come back. I thought she was really nice.
And I was pretty hyped up about the finished The Price of Freedom.
Eating Disorders Midterm
1. Socially Important
This honestly was very brilliant. The scripting and structure certainly sets it apart from many other games that are on this site, and the writing was done rather well too :)
This was immensely enjoyable, obviously plenty of effort was placed into crafting this game. An enjoyable read, indeed.
My only nitpick is that I wish some of the endings were less ambiguous, this of course doesn't include the rather bad endings you're able to get in a unfortunate circumstance for the protagonist. But that's just a very minor nitpick of mine, as the game as a whole was quite fun.
-- TharaApples on 10/18/2016 10:52:54 AM with a score of 0
3. That was fun. I really liked what you did with the background, and finding the captain's log and figuring out what happened to the people on the ship was really interesting. If I was going to be critical (which I am) I'd say that the introduction where you explain what the game is wasn't really necessary when you could've just jumped straight into the game, but that's just me being nit-picky :p
-- Briar_Rose on 2/8/2015 12:29:35 PM with a score of 0
4. Excellent use of the coding and a very good story :) I'm not a big Sci-Fi fan but this was good, the plot branched out a great deal which was good and provided a lot of detail to explore, looking forward to seeing what you write next
-- Will11 on 2/7/2015 12:09:29 AM with a score of 0
Recommending comments for featuring:
Go Get The Mail!
Getting the mail has never been more difficult. This story was quite random and humorous, whenever I was making my best attempt on surviving the horrors of the neighborhood. Between the kiler rabbits, dogs, and pretty much... Well, everything else.
This game was rather fun.
-- TharaApples on 10/18/2016 11:38:25 AM
The Will to live
Wow. This game certainly succeeded in setting a certain kind of tone for the reader, that tone being rather intense and dark. Every choice that I found myself making, took heavy contemplating, because each choice was made with survival in mind.
My only complaint was that this was rather short, it was certainly well-written, but the length and linearity were things that I didn't really enjoy. This was still quite good for a short story, though.
-- TharaApples on 10/18/2016 3:54:17 PM
(Delete the other comment, please.)
6. The game was very well written, but there weren't enough choices for me to consider it a serious story game. As a short story though, it was exceptional. I'd say the biggest fault I could find in the story was the whole idea of a lawyer that was driven to depression after he sent an innocent man to jail. Lawyers send innocent people to jail all the time. It's what they get paid for. When a lawyer gets hired for a case, they have to do the best they can to win, whether they're prosecuting a man they know is innocent, or defending a man they know is guilty. If the story had been about a police inspector or a private detective that got an innocent man sent to jail, it would've made a lot more sense. Still, very impressive writing skills. ^_^
-- Briar_Rose on 6/25/2014 6:36:08 AM
7. As a storygame, I think the longest path I've found is only four pages. Not really enough choices for me to give it a high rating, especially when the intro promised me "Many trials, including yourself, await you on this adventure to survive and maybe even close the case that took away so many lives nine years ago."
As a very very short story, it's decent. Some run-on sentences, some awkward phrasing, and some confusing parts. I think you definitely put some effort into the story. If it were lengthened and more interactivity added, it would be a very nice game.
-- Sethaniel on 6/25/2014 1:48:40 PM
I have a comment for featuring on this storygame. I think it'll be a 3/8 or higher. I also have a funny typo in it. I meant to say "should not" instead of just "should".
Note: this is why you should ask for people to write only nice comments. :)
Hmm, Shadow Hawk: Shadows of the Past... You published this one just week after the last one. I hope it's better.
*Click the Play link*
Well, it looks like another superhero origin story. You say this'll be about the child and teen, but you worked "a lot harder and longer". Apparently that effort was not put into proper writing. Also, I'm supposed to leave a good comment; however, since I am not a robot, I'm going to leave whatever comment I feel like leaving.
*Clicking another play game link*
I think your father has some anger and grammar issues. Not only does he become angry at not liking food, but he also capitalizes whatever he says. How unfortunate...
"I SHOULD HAVE ADOPTED HIM YEARS AGO!" Your father screamed." Does this mean that he isn't your father? Perhaps he kidnapped you from a magical castle or something equally odd. Also, the father is rather odd. After he slaps the mother, why does he start saying "Slap"? I find that to not only be quite ineffective at wife beating, but it also does not seem to fit within the father's character.
Option A: *Go downstairs.*
Because Danny is a moron, he decides to walk to his father who is orating the word "slap" over and over again. Then, the father kills Danny since... um, he doesn't want any witnesses to him knocking the mother unconscious. Now I know where Danny's stupidity comes from. In order to protect himself from having witnesses to a beating, the father kills his own son. Wouldn't it be much easier to arrest a wife beater and a child murderer?
Option B: *Grab a weapon*
Clearly, Danny has some anger forwards his father due to the fact that he abruptly decides to murder him with a knife. Also, why should I have been scared like you said? If I murdered somebody, fear might be at the bottom of my list of emotions (disgust, anger, confusion, nothing, et al).
*Call the police* this link will take you to "Run away" anyway. It's an illusion of choice.
Why did you break the phone? That is destruction of private property and against the law. Also, why doesn't Danny give two hoots about his mother who is bleeding unconscious on the ground.
Well, I scream. That's sometimes normal... but, why are there so many hawks? Maybe you are referring to the fans of the Atlanta Hawks?
Well, I'm now fifteen. The only odd thing is that I'm in an asylum. The killing of the father was in defense of your mother. That's not too bad in law's eyes. I suppose you had the world's worst lawyer. Also, somebody else speaks in only caps. Perhaps this is an alternate future where many males are infected with some sort of caps-disease.
Apparently, I'm taking some serious steroids while in the asylum. I knocked out Butch in just one punch. Who even needs super-powers when one could be One Punch Man? After, punching the bully, Danny beats some of Butch's friends in an over-the-top manner that not even Chuck Norris would choose.
*Continue...* This is looking pretty linear.
Hey look, a spelling/grammar error. Also, why is security relaxed enough to let boys hand each other knifes in public spaces? Also, your friend is an arse. Why can't he just kill the (supreme) chancellor (Palpatine)?
*No way, dude* aka, I'm not a psychopath!
Basically, I'm shocked, die, and have my body disposed. This section irked me to no end since shock treatment is still used today for the benefit of many patients. Additionally, why would Palpatine shock an inmate who is about to be released?
Shock treatment does not cause brain damage if used correctly which is not what you said.
You are proving that you deserve to be in the asylum.
Well, the chancellor decided to use shock therapy on Butch for carrying a knife. Are you aware that doing that makes no darned sense?
Somehow, this causes all security in the asylum to stop functioning. Is Palpatine the only form of security is the prison?
*Continue..." I'm now 20 which is not a teenager unlike what you said in the beginning
I just built a metal suit with... welding equipment. I built something more advanced than anyone can build after living in an asylum for five years... How?
*Test suit* I'm going to skip the next few sections. They are too boring to mock.
After Andy suggested for me to either fight crime or feces, Danny decides to act like a Southern gentleman. He's going to beat up an "African-American" named "Black Ace". Are you even aware that stating a character's race is unnecessary?
*Go to the Club*
Hurray, grab your pillow sheets and some rope. Let's bring this guy to justice!
*Go the "Normal Way"*
Even though the people are gambling and dealing drugs, at least they are giving money to dirty women who are in need of a bath. Now, let's attack Black Ace after he did nothing to provoke us.
You punch him hard enough that he falls onto a table covered in cocaine. That's a pretty expensive decoration. He then pulls a pistol on me. This is just sad since this is in self-defense. Self-defense is the reason why Danny killed his father.
*Kick him in the face*
His head explodes like a water balloon. I was expecting you to say "watermelon". Well, at least you refrained from using that stereotype... until you say that he is a "drug dealer, rapist, and murderer". Under what evidence are those assumptions from. All I know is that he's "African-American". Then, Danny says, "He doesn't deserve to live." Actually, those crimes rarely warrant the death penalty.
"You live in a city of fear. A city filled with dark evil people." Are you referring to their skin color? Also, Danny is loitering on a rooftop. I really don't think the city needs a murdering, racist, psychopathic person in a hark suite.
All in all, I believe this story is a 3/8. I suggest you work on adding more information to the pages, improving the characterization, and making your storygames longer in general.
I thought only I recommended my comments for featuring xD
Hmm. I wonder what's your process in doing so. I check to see if there's any comments that I see that are feature worthy in my criteria, then if there isn't-- I just make my own :D
Of course there are other variables, but meh.
Still too early to feature WIBN's comment. The story doesn't even have a proper rating yet.
Mhm. I noticed that it was literally just published. His last featured comment on Steve's story was rather long, and it seems like this one is following that as well. I'm just picturing featured comments of incredible length scattered throughout stories on this site now. I am currently conflicted in how I would feel on seeing such a pattern of comments like that :P
Comments for deleting for this storygame.
-- written_agreement on 2/17/2015 12:51:31 AM with a score of 90501
2. It's kk
-- Goldentan on 7/13/2014 9:04:31 PM with a score of 1
Comments for deleting for this storygame.
-- shadonai on 12/8/2014 12:19:18 PM with a score of 166
-- Bib on 10/3/2014 3:09:39 AM with a score of 234
-- :D on 1/25/2012 8:46:34 PM with a score of 734
Recommending comments for featuring & tags:
World War 2
I think this was a decent effort at an attempt for a serious historical war game. I take it that showing the horrors of war were the main objective of this piece, and for the most part, the writing was adequate enough to portray that.
Even the best ending cannot really be considered that. The protagonist is still left both physically and quite mentally scarred by the things he had seen in war.
There were flaws with sentence structure, and in a short story like this, some proofreading couldn't have hurt.
Anyway, despite some flaws, I found it to be quite enjoyable for what it is.
-- TharaApples on 10/20/2016 12:49:22 AM
1. I liked that, it was quite interesting and though some of the choices might be a bit suspect (personally I'd have thought it would have been staying down in the trench rather than standing up and merrily throwing corpses out into no-man's land) but overall this was a well-written and entertaining point of view of a soldier.
There's a few small things I'd suggest, first trench warfare is usually associated with World War 1 so your description puzzled me when talking about trenches in World War 2. Also in places you could have broken up the text into paragraphs a little more to make it easier reading but overall pretty good and I hope you write more :D 4/8
-- Will11 on 4/25/2016 10:58:57 PM
2. I was skeptical the author could meaningfully write about 'the difficulties a soldier had while fighting the Germans in the trenches' in a story with only a length of 2, and while I don't know if they entirely succeeded there's more content and choices here than expected, and the writing is serviceable.
A few issues with typos, strange word choice, run on sentences and so on that need to be cleaned up--I'm less forgiving of these things in a very short story since it'd be so quick to proofread, and there's an error in the description itself--but all in all this is better than most of the drivel we've gotten lately, and not a bad addition to the Edutainment category. (This should be moved there, by the way. I know you're going for the 'horrors of war' or whatever but this still doesn't count as a horror story.)
Oh, and I kind of question how my character could've realistically had both legs and an arm blown off by a grenade, plus crushed ribs and internal bleeding, and still been carted out of a trench alive, healed up and had the president visit to give him a medal, but I guess I was just that much of a badass.
-- mizal on 4/25/2016 10:08:19 AM
6. Category change to Edutainment
Recommended comments for featuring:
It was well written, especially for a fan-fiction, but... As others noted, there were very little options that actually made a differences if any. You were kinda forced down one route.
Fan-fiction being mixed with 'Choose your own adventures' can be a really cool way to go, with the different paths, etc. Unfortunately, you didn't utilize that.
As it is, and you even admitted this, it's just a (good!) fan-fiction, not a CYOA game.
-- Tanstaafl on 10/3/2014 10:56:20 AM with a score of 0
I really don't understand nor do I like, or have seen doctor who before. Honestly, I just dislike how everyone talks about it (I haven't quite pinned down if it's a book or a movie series; I know it's one of the two). The game was pretty linear, as in, not many choices for a choose-your-own-adventure game. Nonetheless I was impressed by the vocabulary and execution of the text to insure that my experience was at least somewhat enjoyable.
-- Ford on 10/3/2014 1:05:52 AM with a score of 0
You had good grammar and spelling, and the game was pretty long. It was pretty linear, though, and I feel that you could have branched out different bits of it. Are you making another? You should. I really want to know what happens. I do recommend you unpublish this one and add to it if you want to continue the story, it tends to be better for readers. Good job. 5/8.
-- AngelOfThatThing on 10/2/2014 10:52:15 PM with a score of 0
Going to make a new one of these. This one is getting a bit long to scroll through.