Somewhat out of date now, will revise in the next version of the thread.
This is how it works:
Finding duplicate bugs in the Bugs and Problems Forum (4 points)
Having a comment featured (2 points)
Recommending a comment for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a user's excellent aid in the last six months for points (1 point)
Recommending a tag change for a storygame (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for movement to a different category (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for a change in maturity level or difficulty level (1 point for each)
Recommending a storygame for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing (1 point)
Recommending a comment for deletion (1 point)
To get points for recommending something, I have to agree with you and newly created storygames are not eligible point earners.
Four Most Important Things when recommending anything:
1. Reply to THIS thread to THIS post
2. A hyperlink to the storygame
3. A story has to be above a rating of 2 (unless it’s for deletion)
4. Number ALL your suggestions
Recommending a comment for featuring:
- The comment that you think deserves featuring (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)
- If there are already 3 featured comments on the storygame, you also have to let me know whose comment you think should be replaced.
- If I agree, you will get 1 point and the person whose comment is featured will get 2 points. If you are reccomending your own comment, then you only get 2 points.
Recommending a comment for deletion:
- The comment that you think deserves deletion (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)
It has to either have spammy punctuation, flame the author, be completely incomprehensible, be a duplicate comment, or not actually be a comment (such as "..." or "poop" or something).
Note: Do not recommend comments on Endmaster stories for deletion. He usually monitors his stories’ comments anyway.
Recommending a tag change for a storygame
- All of the tags you believe the story should have
Recommending a category change for a storygame
- The category you believe it should be in
- A short explanation of why
Recommending a change in maturity or difficulty level for a storygame
- The change you think should be made
- A short explanation of why
Recommending a storygame for featuring
- A short rationale for why
Recommending a forum thread for deletion
- A short rationale for why
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing
- A short explanation of why [specifically, you must describe how it fails to meet minimum site standards]
1. Specifically stating in the description/text of the game that it is a "demo."
2. Ending abruptly with a notice that it will be continued later.
Games that say they are the first in a series are not automatically considered "unfinished." As long as the game itself is complete, even if the author never returned to write a sequel, it is not up for unpublishing.
If you don't follow protocol, there will be no negative repercussions, you will be ignored, or I'll take your advice and not reward you with points. Following protocol expedites the process.
To summarize: post here (for the most part) with recommendations for who I should reward / what I should change and I'll reward you with points.
Take a second to check the posts above you and see if someone else has already made the recommendation. Remember, newly created Storygames are not eligible for tag/category/comment points.
Interesting title for this thread.
Recommending storygames for tagging:
The Spartan Life
1) Science Fiction
The faery, the toller and the rusty door
Also, two comments for featuring:
4) My thoughts largely mimic mizal's. The story had some technical issues: grammar errors, pacing in places and misspellings. But I enjoyed the story.
I'm assuming from Briar's comment that there is a way to win by defeating the fairy, but it still seems odd that the story could also end after defeating the Toller but not the fairy, as it seemed the driving force of the plot was to save dear old dad. The story feels like it ended before it was truly over.
For a first story, this was very good, though there are areas that could be improved. Overall, very much a breath of fresh air compared to many of the recent stories that have been published. I look forward to your next story. (And encourage you to participate in the forums.)
-- Bucky on 1/21/2016 10:45:41 PM with a score of 0
5) Before I forget: Where had the protagonist ever learned magic? You wrote that he knew it exists, but you also mentioned that he knew how to actually USE it. When did he ever learn?
You have some grammar errors, including your dialogue. It's not that you bolded or underlined or whatever-ed it, but when two different people speak, their dialogue goes to different paragraphs. You also had a few forgivable spelling mistakes.
(Though it's not recommended to try to differentiate dialogue spoken by someone else.)
Also, the story ended too soon! I want to know what happens between the faerie and the protagonist, as well as if the protagonist manages to find a way out of the mountains. ;-; The subplot with the Tolley-guy is just what it is - a subplot/arc. The story is incomplete.
I like the mild sense of humor in here. It certainly contributed to the overall atmosphere of the story. I also like your writing. :D You combine characters, description, and setting so well!! I felt like I was right in the scene when I read this story. I really look forward to more of your work!
-- Crescentstar on 1/8/2017 11:48:59 PM with a score of 0
Cows vs. Aliens! (This game is awesome :3)
6) Animal Perspective
If Berka doesn't mind, of course.
I'm pretty sure the hero of the story is Fernando El Fanstastico? Who by all indicators isn't a human, and you do play as the cows in the story.
I was replying to the previously unedited post :)
Well I can already see War of the Orders was entirely approps for this thread.
I'm pretty sure there is already a war brewing in the creative corner.
It was tagged accordingly anyway. So I say good day to you, sir.
1. Recommending a comment for deletion:
90 minute storygame: Prepare To Die
90 Minute Storygame?! That title is such a LIE!
How can anyone play it for 90 Minutes, unless they click the first page, then come back after 85 minutes to go on to the second page. Damn, finished the WHOLE game less than 5 minutes TRYING TWO endings.
-- Strangler on 8/18/2016 4:36:38 AM with a score of 0
Reason: The guest seems to believe the storygame is meant to be 90 minutes long as opposed to be written in 90 minutes, despite other comments making it clear that it was indeed made in 90 minutes, or the guest is simply trolling
There are other people complaining about the story being too short though. Doesn't sound like he's trolling either.
I'll leave this one and just chalk it up to simple misunderstanding, since the whole "too short" complaint is bafflingly pretty common even for stories that actually aren't short at all. (It's like these people only read through one path or something)
Because I'm a fellow marauder, can I get extra points for each of my recommendations?
I should dock you you points for that kind of talk.
You're a marauder damn it, you're supposed to go out there and TAKE your points!
Can I recommend a story for unpublishing because it's not gender neutral? Or at least not allowing the ability to choose gender?
Damn so close to getting so many points.
Okay, who's alt is this?
Nice joke guys, very funny.
Why are you asking us, my lord? You have the power to observe everything about this "Gawain".
Yeah I already knew who it was. (And Berka already outted him anyway)
Who was it?
It's just Gawain actually.
Pretty sure Berka was joking around about it being Seto because I never found an IP match.
(Unless its some elaborate joke between Berka AND Seto)
Still, the gender neutral/CoG type request makes it pretty suspicious that it must be someone who has at least lurked here before.
Recommending comments for featuring
Rise of Vollund
1. No item system, (other than writing stuff down, defetes the online thing a bit, don't you think,) this leads to just spamming the most power full move you have and one shoting everything. The game is also very linniar, the few puzzles that there are (hint, click the only link that doesnt say die(yes that was a joke refering to the ball and rope scene)) bad at best. As a whole your game has a good fell to, you just need to use the adanvced editor and more branches to the story to make it less story and more game. Speaking of the story, it was poorly writen. Try to make me love the world I'm trying to defend and realy hate the vollund. Or give me somthing, not just "do this" and them be like "cool you win!"'
-- Dmanxbox on 12/3/2015 10:57:06 AM
2. I didn't like it that much. Was it too hard to put items in the game? Instead, you have to write down everything you have on a piece of paper. The author doesn't even give you something to list your stats, he doesn't even bother to tell you your stats on the actual page! I mean really, was it too hard to put in an item that says stats with no picture and lists your stats? Also, how come the fonts of the text always change? One second, I'm reading the text perfectly fine, the next. Have to hold the tablet close to my face to see! And at the start of the game, the end of the third paragraph says "if you crawl through, goto the next paragraph." What was the point of that? Are you supposed to crawl through a hole in real life? There's not even a link that says "crawl through the hole". Just the next paragraph, and there was no point to it. I rated it a 3/8 because I'm in a good mood today, and the author at least put effort into making this. I hope the sequel is better, or I'm rating it even lower.
-- Dovahkiin02 on 2/14/2015 8:14:51 PM
Recommending a comment for deletion
3. My game
-- 99cguya on 12/10/2012 9:28:33 AM
Reason: While the game is indeed his, I feel this comment is rather unnecessary as people can clearly see the author's name at the top of the page,
(I'm sorry in advance if this isn't what you meant by numbering all my suggestions)
~ You and Lee
1) Tag change: Add humor (It currently has no tags. And this is one of those random-humor-type games I think)
2) Maturity level change: At least 3/8 (It's currently 1/8.) Well, your character gets a thong (as a gift for saving the school I think) with AND tries it out immediately. Dunno if 3/8 is too low though, your decision, all I know is that it's probably not fit to be 1/8.
3) Recommended comment for featuring: (Surprise, surprise, it's my own comment :D xD)
I think this was a little bit too random for my taste.
* There were a lot of things left unexplained;
(Who the heck is David Lee? What the heck is Drano? Who the heck is Olivia? What the heck is even happening?)
It's just really confusing.
(Unless you were going for a funny random type story. But you should've clarified this in the description since I thought I was going to have a serious story.)
* The choices didn't matter AT ALL. Except for the last 2 'choice' pages, your story will still be the same. (There was even one link where it sends you back to the page before it and you have no choice but to choose the other option)
* What was up with the endings? I mean, choose the smaller package you get 'leep stick' (or was it 'leep gloss'?); Choose the bigger package and you get a thong with Daniel Lee's face on it. (I'm guessing the character has some kind of crush on Daniel Lee?) And supposedly, the package you didn't choose will go to 'the fallen student' and seeing as that student was the 6'5 guy (Well,I'm presuming it was that guy; You didn't really say it was him exactly) I don't see how any of the items will benefit him (aside from the fact that he is well, dead (Well, I'm not entirely sure since you just said 'fallen')) unless he has a thing for 'leep gloss' and Daniel Lee...?
Your grammar was decent though, I'll give you that. But maybe you should have added some kind of back story, like, How did you meet David Lee? Why are people turning gray? Who was the 6'5 (or something like that) guy?
Not knowing what the heck is happening will be a big turn-off to a lot of readers.
-- Yuisawachelsa on 1/12/2017 1:27:34 AM
~ Vocab #1
4) Tag change: Add quiz (Currently there are none.)
5) Recommended comment for featuring: (There are already 3 featured comments in this game. I suggest you remove BrightFire's comment.
I was a little skeptical at first since the plot seemed really unlikely, but screw the plot--this is probably one of the best Humor and Puzzle games on this site xD
I mean, there were a few glitches here and there, but other than that, what's not to love?
It was very funny and puzzling (like I said earlier); It wasn't ridiculously easy but it wasn't ridiculously hard either. There were many ways to defeat the boss; not just one random combination (plus, on one combination you get to use hand on hand combat; I mean, how cool is that?!), and you have the option to skip a certain floor (But in doing so you risk not getting an object that may be helpful in defeating Morth).
Anyway, tl;dr: A few bugs, but still really awesome. 6/8
-- Yuisawachelsa on 1/12/2017 3:35:28 AM with a score of 0
~ Alone with a Presence
6) Recommended for unpublishing
"NOTE: This game is not finished, it's a project that I actually did a few years ago for this site and dropped it, but I am considering ybe finishing this one or writing a new story entirely for you guys. I spent so much time on this though that I would rather hear your guys thoughts and opinions on my story than scrap it completely. Consider it a demo on my writing style and what to expect from my future stories, and enjoy! :)"
I actually like that story :c
But it's not finished -shrug-
This storygame isn't finished as well. There's actually a few other games that aren't, so it's not uncommon.
But it's just gonna keep getting bad reviews since it's unfinished and that would be a shame since it looks like it could be a really awesome story.
The reviews so far seems to be more favorable than bad actually.
Oh well. I just think as of now it really doesn't have much of a story (you find items, pick some lock, dead page) and a lot of things are still unexplained; It's really still not finished yet.
Ah, I read through the requirements and you're actually following it exactly. I must be more tired than I may have previously thought. My mistake :l
Reccomending storygame for unpublishing
Reason: Literally six pages long and has zero choices. Seriously, there are no choices.
1) "He usually monitors his stories’ comments anyway." Usually monitor my foot. I just found a duplicate comment:
I've always wanted to fuck a cow
-- Anonymous on 5/14/2016 1:52:15 PM
-- Anonymous on 5/14/2016 1:52:09 PM
in "A Very Special Choose Your Story". (Seriously tho, love that story.) Oh, and please still give me a point?
You're going to get docked points if you don't start calming down on the forums. Every time I see most of your posts, it's degenerating into derailment. Not to mention leaving comments in all caps and going TROLOLO isn't exactly helping you either.
(I was mocking the comments though, but anyway, I'll stop)
I was just having fun :P Sorry for the trouble I've caused though. I'll be more responsible/considerate/mature next time.
1. Recommending a category change for a storygame
Break and Enter
Move to Modern adventure (Currently in School-Based)
Reason: Storygame does not take place in a school
2. Recommending a tag change for a storygame
90 minute storygame: Prepare to die
Remove Historical Tag
Recommending a Comment for Deletion:
1) The River of Fire
Harbored by a few hours of sleep and apparition in the morning of the death eaters and thrive in a minecraft mutant ninja and the only way to make sure that your favorite food is the only thing that makes sense of humor in the flag and apparition of a crafters are you going to the creeper mod wiki this is it is it back on the death eaters think I don't know how to play with your favorite color is a crafters and thrive season of kingdoms mod structures and apparition in Europe for the only one that is a few hours go fishing in a hole and thrive in the oven to be a minecraft skin is your day going for a minecraft the only one that is it a minecraft maps of your mom being John McCain is Hillary's death.
-- Tarbo134 on 1/13/2017 12:45:49 AM with a score of 0
Nonsensical and doesn't relate to the storygame at all.
What's with all the random longwinded Minecraft related spam on comments?
Probably just one troll deciding to spam random shit.
Recomending storygames for featuring.
Reason: Higher ratings then 4 of the currently featured edutainments
I guess maybe I should set up some voting thing or something.
This should be fun.
Not to be a bother.... but I never got my point for recomending A Heroes Odyssey
I never got my point for my featured storygame recommendations either xD so idk.
Recommending Storygame for Tagging
A Jung Hero's Adventure
1.) Previously Featured Tag
(I have no shame.)
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/fantasy-encounter to Love and Dating. No traditional fantasy elements at all, it takes place in a modern setting and is about finding a neko in the woods and taming him to make him your boyfriend.
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/break-and-enter to Edutainment. This one's all about explaining the concept of Restorative Justice through example. The author even has the initials RJ in their name. I wouldn't be surprised if this were intended for a class or something, actually
Recommending storygame for tagging:
Recommending comment for featuring:
The Road: Carrying the Fire
2) Damn, that (SPOILER!) cannibalism ending is fucking brutal. Excellently done.
I really enjoyed this storygame. The narration was great, the grammar was fine and there was a real sense of hopelessness throughout. My only complaints are that the deaths didn't feel varied enough, and it wasn't really long enough to build a proper sense of soul-crushing despair.
In addition, the fact that there we no real characters made it hard to empathize with their struggle. I get what you're going for; everyone's a "living ghost" of what they used to be, but names and faces usually make it easier to feel for them. Part of what made the movie (and I assume, the book) so hard to watch was the fact that they were real people; not just a faceless automaton, driven by 'You do x' statements.
I gave it a 6/8. Solid game with limited emotional punch.
-- Malkalack on 1/12/2017 7:13:04 PM
Certainly a lot faster to do this with the automatic points assigned to featured comment now.
That's good to know. ^-^
Recomending storygames for tagging
Tag: Science Fiction
Tags: Fantasy, Science Fiction
Just because I'm curious about how this new system works exactly...
Recommending storygame comment for featuring:
1) Wow. I haven't read a non-featured CYOA as good as this is a while.
The technical aspect of the story is superb, and your imagery is so... real. The distant emotions of the character give the story a hopeless kind of feel, which is quite appropriate. It makes the character seem like she's slowly numbing to the horrors of the world.
In the fight or flee and cannibalistic scenes, you reveal the animalistic side of the protagonist, which is also the side that allows the protagonist to survive. Especially with the cannibalism because it shows that to survive, you may have to do things that are "wrong". With the rotting food scene, you show that everything is rotting, decaying, or dying. Wonderful addition to the atmosphere.
The back story with the brother was amazing. It kind of let us know which ending was the "true" ending too. It added a bittersweet touch to the story and was quite moving.
Like the brother part, you have several scenes which force us to interpret the meaning of things, which adds this depth to the pages.
While there isn't much variation in the story (I played through every page and noticed certain things that always take place.), this story is quite powerful and emphasizes the hopelessness of the situation and the survival aspect of living.
-- Crescentstar on 1/14/2017 3:02:22 PM
Going to start being a little more selective with Featured Comments now with the sanction system in place, but this one does seem thorough so I'll feature it.
EDIT: Okay Crescent got her 3 sanction points, but the little featured star isn't showing up. Guess this is a bug.
My thoughts exactly!
Being more selective about what is featured is good.
And I noticed that as well. There's no nice little star next to her comment.
Can you guys both force refresh on that page? I see the star so that's super weird! EndD don't refeature it because it wi re reward points. I'll check it tomorrow.
Yeah I haven't touched it since I figured it would reward more points. I refreshed and nothing is happening.
I was looking at the wrong comment (on mobile). No star here, just bad timing with us both featuring at same time. Will fix on next update. Post in bugs and problems pls?
Recomending comment for featuring on:
I liked the premise of this story, a literal death quiz and one incorrect question meaning death for the unfortunate student. There was also a pretty good variety of pictures that were used in this. But there was some things that I found myself rather perplexed about as I read.
Things such as the motivations of certain characters, and factions and certain actions that they did. Also, there was some issues with grammar that was rather jarring. This story would've certainly benefited from more thorough proofreading.
Those issues aside, this storygame was fun. The lack of polish is the only thing that unfortunately holds it back from being more enjoyable.
-- TharaApples on 1/15/2017 11:36:52 AM
Recomending comment for deletion:
I won. I want to become a chemical engineer when i grow up. I didn't ever press the back button! woohooo!
-- DRAGONEREST on 7/24/2016 1:28:07 PM
Reason: Duplicate Comment
Reccomending comment for featuring on:
This was pretty random, but the writing was coherent enough to make the randomness quite entertaining. I didn't expect that I would possibly be able to go on a fun filled adventure with a Capybara when I clicked on the title, so points for originality!
Some of the scenes generally made me laugh, but I couldn't help but feel that the story itself could've been fleshed out a bit more. Only one path truly leads towards an adventure, while the others are rather short and to the point.
Overall, this is a fun game to kill five minutes with. The humor and general randomness might not be for everyone, but this was written well.
-- TharaApples on 1/15/2017 11:07:23 AM
-- Nina on 2/29/2016 9:38:21 PM
Reason: No relation to the story in any way.
End has the final say, as this is his thread, but my opinion is that neither of those comments are quite good enough to meet the new featured comment requirements. The writing in them is mostly fine, but they aren't thorough / detailed enough.
New requirements? Hmm, where are these new requirements? I'll probably revise them then if End doesn't think they're feature worthy as well.
Later. Because I'm shopping.
"Going to start being a little more selective with Featured Comments now with the sanction system in place. . ." - EndMaster, 9 hours ago.
Basically, they're worth 3 sanctions each now, so they have to be really good. It's not written anywhere but the basic idea is that this comment is SLIGHTLY below the cut off:
"There are some minor spelling errors, but for the most part this is fine in a technical sense.
The subject itself is a little weird and cringy--I got the sense the 'fantasy encounter' in question was a personal of the author's. This really should go in Love & Dating, by the way.
There's some lol random endings in here, but at least they're marked. Nothing obviously wrong with the story otherwise, but the writing skill is decent enough I hope that in the future the author will aspire to other things beyond their wish for a catboy husbando. "
IMO, this comment is of a slightly higher quality than the comments you posted there, so ergo they aren't quite at a feature worthy position. A good thing to do to guarantee that your comment will be feature worthy is to make them much more lengthy by delving into more aspects of the game.
For instance, when you said 'the story could be fleshed out more', why not give some suggestions for how you'd do that?
Edit: The good thing is that there are so many comments featured that don't meet the new standards, so there's a tons of sanctions available if you want them and have time to write.
Just slightly? Well I'll be sure to be a bit more specific then. Maybe add another paragraph or two to both comments, when I eventually get back home.
Ideally, they'd be significantly better. The worst thing would be to write something borderline and get nothing for your time. Why not write something big and guarantee that you'll get the recognition?
I don't like making things too big sometimes.
I don’t think you need to worry too much about the comments being too big as long as you don't ramble and stick with explaining details about the story, what was good, what could be improved, etc.
Just to give another example. Here’s a pretty detailed one. (Necromancer, though he did one on Death Song too) Probably wouldn’t even have to be as long as he did it, but just cover most of things he mentioned for any story.
This is the first story I read in this site when I happily stumbled upon it a couple years ago, and it was the one that got me hooked to it. And after all this time, I still find it to be the best and most touching multiple choice story I have ever read.
I took the first way back then, and didn't play the other one up until now as I was so involved in the story I didn't want it to be any different. Needless to say, the second way is as good and interesting, and it also explores more in depth some of the characters of the first one.
Now with the real review:
I think that the most important thing in a narrative text are the characters. I find that good characters can justify a mediocre plot but that a good plot can't justify mediocre characters. The characters in Necromancer are all well crafted and have a personality, and as such they all feel like real individuals.
I can relate to the emotions felt by the main character, which helps in getting into the story and believing it, which is a big plus in this kinds of stories. In fact, I think that part of the special significance of this story to me is that I identify with it’s main character at some level. I’ve been there, and I’ve had those thoughts.
The plot of this story is pretty simple and straightforward, it being the necromantic career of the main character, but it succeeds in what it tries to do and it's interesting and overall well thought out. As with most of Endmaster's stories, it is a "vital" plot, as it is about the life of the main character rather than just a single story in it, and as such it deals with a lot of the topics a life has (war, love, family, sex, death, etc).
The feel of politics, warfare and intrigue and the choices to make in such fields are also very interesting. The choices are complete (as they included what I would do in those situations) and they can change the outcome of the story substantially. Such things are also very logical, as what would usually work in real life is what works in the story. It is, therefore, realistic.
Another important thing is the ending, as it can screw a good story without too much problems. Both of the major endings are satisfying and well thought out, and some of the dead ends are pretty satisfying and fun too.
It is important for a fictional world to have definite rules that are followed all the time; otherwise, it is inconsequential and its choices become just random luck. This isn't obviously the case with Necromancer, as the rules are clear and followed throughout the story.
Writing and vocabulary:
The vocabulary in Necromancer is rich and employs accurate wording, without ever feeling distant, cold or pompous. In fact, one of the best things about Endmaster’s writing is that it combines this sort of vocabulary with a closeness with the reader and some sarcastic smirks that makes his writing truly enjoyable despite it being opposed to mine (which feels long, tedious and is like basically reading your calculator’s instruction manual in Chinese).
An especially gruesome typo can be a distraction from the story, and a bad layout can make it unreadable. This of course doesn’t happen with Necromancer, as the layout is fine as it is. There are some typos and repeated words, but those are minor, scarce, and don’t detract from the story at all.
As I said in the beginning, I find this to be the best multiple choice story I have ever reed, although that is partially due to personal reasons. Analyzing it coldly, it may not be the best one, but it is certainly among them. I therefore give it an 8/8 (a 10 in my book), and I encourage everyone who hasn’t read it before to do so, it will be worth the time.
Also, thanks to Endmaster for writing such a masterpiece and giving it away for free. Your love for the art is truly commendable.
-- Martin_Silenus on 1/5/2017 6:26:27 PM
Yeah, that's legitimately amazing. Holy shit!
A Challenger Appears...
While often fighting and babbling amongst themselves in the sea of comment chaos, there is a fifth group.
These are known as THE ORDERLESS
While usually never mustering much more than a "hi" or "trololololo" on most stories, occasionally there will be the rare individual who will rise up out of the sludge of filthy unpersons and take the prize that all other Orders seek.
They can never do so however because they are not one with the Great CYS Link, but they CAN prevent anyone else from getting it either.
So I feel I should warn you all that it is entirely possible that I will stumble upon a well written comment by one of the random rabble that have not become one with CYS.
And if those are featured, nobody gets the sanction points and ALL of you should feel deep SHAME.
This war has already been won by the Sages. The other orders villages currently lie pillaged and destroyed, the women taken as concubines.
The men forever cucked.
They're free to take vengeance, those who escaped the fires that set their villages aflame.
I've said it once and I'll say it again.
Any marauders out there feel like writing lengthy reviews for points? Glory? A shot at second place?
EDIT: Apparently not. Most of the big time readers happen to be architects or sages.
I was going to tag Cres, but I realized she's an architect.
With the new comment requirements I have no idea if this passes, but might as well try.
-My comments have small spoilers for those who have not read, and intend on reading, “90 Minute Storygame: Prepare To Die”.-
The short story itself was edited nicely, and I found it rather easy to make sense of the situations and choices presented. I knew when to use the bow and sword because of how well you had written your work. The little dialog and descriptive narration within the writing was not disappointing, but clear. Through this, I was able to understand what each character was saying, and how it held weight within the game. There was also a clear setting, meaning, I knew where I was within the story, and I understood the clear dangers and obstacles that were thrown at me. Even though you had written the game within ninety minutes, it flowed well. The story did not go off on a tangent or randomly deviate from the set course you were trying to reach.
With that said, I was left with some complaints and concerns about the reading itself. I do wish you had put more of an effort into the beginning of the game to properly expound upon the protagonist’s history. For example: who is this person, and why should I feel anything for him or her? Clarifying how he or she had gotten into the situation would have done well in adding to, and revealing this history. It would have also been wise to include the crucial events that lead up to the war, which would also help explain the reason for beginning the Battle. You also could have described the field itself, perhaps adding to the setting in a positive way while simultaneously painting a better image for the reader.
Unfortunately, because of the lack of details given, I found the story to be too short with a lot left to be desired. This also means that there is just as much room for improvement if you choose to continue writing and expanding on the universe this story was written in.
The ending I was able to reach was also well crafted, and helped explain an interesting turn within the battle itself. Even though it was short, I was able to clearly see the climax the story had reached as well as the falling action that shortly followed. Story wise, you have a good concept. I sincerely wish there was more to read, but I recommend changing the title of the game, it is quite deceptive.
-- EvilSmile on 1/15/2017 4:02:42 PM with a score of 0
I'd say so. Let's see what End thinks.
While I sort of wish this had been spaced a little better, its easy enough to read in the comment section.
Evil Smile touched on a lot of pros and cons and also made suggestions on improvement. He spelled everything right as well. So yeah, it definitely should be.
Yeah, I wish he spaced it better too. It's borderline for that reason, but the content is great.
Hmm...I'm going to admit the plot didn't appeal to me, but I'll judge based on the writing instead.
-Simple Grammar/Sentence Fixes
"You jump over a fallen log, glad that you finally got your hair out of that branch you ran into without much struggle."
I feel like this should be reworded for better flow. As of now, the wording - mostly towards the end, sounds clunky and distracting. However, this could be just me as I tend to be selective about the wording of sentences.
" They found your bag next to the cabin, basically empty but that was it."
This one is definitely grammatically flawed and sounds strange. I would probably word it as such;"They found your bag next to the cabin; empty, but that was it."
"You head inside but to your horror, you see that your not alone."
It's a common typo/misused word, so don't worry! Do remember that "you're" is the shortened version of "you are", while "your" is a word that indicates something belongs to you.
Also, you missed a comma there.
"You head inside the cabin, but to your horror, you see that you're not alone."
"The color of red is the last thing you see before everything turns black."
You don't have to put "The color of red". "The color red" is enough.
"A man with a bloody knife is shuffling through the room when you let out a scream."
Ehh..I don't like this sentence, and I'm not sure why. It seems awkwardly stated and doesn't make a lot of sense if you think about it.
To address the "awkwardly stated" part, I think it's the way you ended it with "you let out a scream" and the way it applies to the sentence. I would have liked more details on why the main character screamed. Was it just because they were scared? Because the killer saw them? Because the killer's face looked kind of like someone from One Direction's or whatever boy band is popular with girls these days? XD
"You wander over to only be met with a giant brown bear."
I believe you should change this to "You wander over, only to be met by a giant, brown bear."
Also, on the same page, you use the word "You" to start the sentence too much; therefore making the word sound redundant.
"You decide to get your bag later and just head home, unbeknown to you that you missed the encounter of a lifetime."
I'm not sure what your original intentions with this sentence was, but I would reword it.
"You decide to get your bag later and just head home. Unbeknownst to you, you've missed the encounter of a lifetime."
"You tare a piece on your shirt off and tie it around his arm that was bleeding especially bad."
This sentence is proof that you really need to proofread your story before you publish it. For example, "Tare" should be "tear". A easily fixable typo if you'd proofread, or had someone proofread for you.
I'm also not happy with the way you the word sentence especially towards the end.
There are quite a few other grammar mistakes within your story, but I'm just going to post the ones that popped out to me and if you want me to do a full grammar check on it, you can PM me :)
However, in attempts to not make this comment too nightmarishly-long, I'm just going to move on to criticizing any logic flaws and other aspects of your story.
-Logic Flaws and Other Aspects of the Story:
1) On the "Check it Out" page, I have the options to turn left or right.
While I'm not against those being options, I don't like the fact that the player's survival is due to luck. You give no indicators which option might be the correct one, no details in the story to help choose the path that lets me "win". I don't like random choices like that, and I'm pretty sure no one else does. Keep in mind, for future storygames you may make, that choices that impact the player greatly should always have little indications beforehand about what may happen if the path is chosen.
This also happens again at "Scream" where you can choose either the right or left door.
2) Who was the mysterious person that attacked you? Was it the same killer from the other ending, the one with the bloody knife? What were their motives for attacking you?
It's little details like this that make a full story :)
I don't really like stories where major parts of the story are unexplained. It feels lazy to me, as if the author didn't bother to give it an explanation and just used it as a way to move the story along.
3) Your characters were...bland. There wasn't much detail to them, and they weren't relatable, nor did they have much of a personality.
4) Finally...something I've seen happen a lot in Love and Dating games...the fact that the main character has fallen in love with someone so quickly, and they reciprocate the feeling seems very unrealistic.
You definitely have some amount of writing skill, and while the subject of the story was a little off putting to me, it was a decent storygame with a lot of different endings. However, there wasn't much branching, something you should try to do in future games to avoid linearity.
At the risk of sounding like I'm repeating points I've already stated; I would highly recommend you got someone to proofread your future stories, or proofread your story more thoroughly next time.
Not bad for a first try, but not great either.
-- Seto on 1/15/2017 10:34:47 PM
Too late. I already featured that one.
Yeah, if I had noticed it earlier, it would have definitely been featured.
@Seto blows it out of the water.
XD Thank you 3J, End, and Minnie ^_^
You're welcome seto. Just remember us when you're famous.
Recommending Adding a Tag
1) Add Science Fiction tag
Recommending a Comment for Deletion
2) 4 REAL!
-- CheetahPelt on 7/13/2014 6:44:40 PM
Recomending storygame for tagging:
Tag: Science Fiction
Comment for deletion:
-- Author4 on 10/22/2013 5:51:37 PM
Reason: Rather pointless, and as the comment writer says, "STUPID."
He may just have been calling the name stupid, because it's misspelled. Lel.
Recommended comment for featuring (I must claim glory for my dying faction!):
1.“The sun peeks through the window and says “hello.””
This sentence would be much better formatted as this:
The sun’s rays peek through the window, as if saying hello.
This way, the sentence says that the rays of the sun are doing the action instead of the sun itself, and it replaces the dialogue for personification. You should only use dialogue if a character is trying to communicate either by voice or written words, or is thinking or speaking to themselves.
“You wake up to the sound of birds chirping on the window sill.”
Why are there birds on my window sill? Why didn’t they try to fly away as soon as I got up? Why am I okay with birds sitting on my window sill?
“You brush your teeth, change into your favorite clothes, eat some bacon and eggs, and go out the door to walk to school. Which way do you take to go to school?
More details about my home and room would’ve been appreciated. What are the colors of the walls and floor? How big is it? What does my furniture look like? What is my most treasured personal item? What do I use for entertainment? Questions like these can help build with world-building and character development (Example: you say that I have lots of sports items. That must mean I like sports.) The second sentence seems a bit redundant. You already established that my intent is to walk to school, so the sentence could be rewritten into this:
Which way do you go?
“A raccoon fishes through the garbage and you see a little girl who is a few years younger than you.”
Why is a little girl right behind my house, doing nothing but eating a banana? Is she homeless? If so, adding more details such as saying her clothes are dirty and/or tattered would make this situation more believable and add a character trait. What are her motives and her reason for being there? Asking questions about why your character is at a place or doing an action can help make them more believable.
“A boy, who is a little bit older than you, runs out of the house and tosses the girl's banana on the ground.”
You’ve only mentioned one house and that’s mine, so “the house” should be “a house”.
There’s not much else to specifically critique, so here’s a summary of what I think of the rest as well as the entire storygame:
I realize this is an educational game, but fleshing out the main character by giving them more personality by showing more interactions between the characters in the story (such as interacting with the parents that never show up or more interactions with the sibling) can help kids better sympathize with the character. It’s short, and only offers basic social situations. Expanding the length by starting at the basic, which is what you have right now, then expanding into more advanced forms of social situations that delve into gray areas rather than simple black & white “bad/good” scenarios would be appreciated. For example, a friend wants to play a mean-spirited prank on a bully, and he needs your help. This is advanced because several factors and consequences can play into deciding which one to choose. If you decline, your friend might get upset, damaging your friendship. If you decline, then your friend might do it by himself, endangering him to possibly confront the bully by themself. If you accept, then it’s possible that you endanger yourself to confront the bully. Some kids may not want to do the prank because they don’t want to cause trouble. Some kids may do the prank because they feel the bully deserves it, and many more opinions and reasoning may sprout up from this scenario. This becomes even more advanced if you interact with the friend earlier and get to know them and you interact with the bully and get to know them.
What you choose doesn’t seem to matter most of the time. Even something as little as Freddy being surprised that the character continues to sit with him after teasing him would be appreciated. I understand this is an educational game, but choices should have consequences beyond the immediate, a CYOA shouldn’t be disconnected scenarios that only serve to teach children lessons, the choices should mold and bend the story and engage the child.
The writing was mostly mechanically sound, but that shouldn’t be an achievement for something so short. However, the writing is dull and not very descriptive. The best way to teach a child anything is by making that learning entertaining, by engaging the child you should build up the world better. What does the school look like? What does the classroom look like? What does the lunchroom look like? Where are these rooms in relation to one another? What are more details about how characters look? Asking questions is one way to build up a world that will entertain a child.
-- Bannerlord on 1/16/2017 2:41:43 PM
Mechanical wise, it was ok. I don't think you needed the large spacings between paragraphs because it was kind of unnecessary. Also, I think for the audience you were targeting this game toward, that this was an ok game. I personally would not put a game like this on this site because most of the people here are much older than your target audience. Other than that, ok.
-- JMgskills on 5/2/2012 10:56:07 AM
Yeah that one definitely works.
Thank you, fellow architect for your efforts! :D
You're welcome, my fellow member! We must continue to procure commendations, for the glory of the Architects!
Since we get points for finding duplicate bugs do we get points for finding duplicate posts in the feature wishing well? There are some open ones that request things that have been already rejected or approved.
Just the bug ones for now. I don't think duplicate wishing well stuff has become enough of an issue yet.
Recomending comments for deletion on:
-- mater227 on 8/15/2016 2:12:25 PM with a score of 0
-- guy on 5/31/2016 12:39:18 PM with a score of 0
Reason: Neither have any relation to the story
Recomending comment for deletion on:
You put time and effort into this, so I applaud you for that.
The biggest weakness of your CYS is that the plot is severely underdeveloped. Short story games don't correlate to unfinished plots. We shifted characters and the time of the events without much forewarning or cohesion. The premise itself seems like it would make for a decent story, but I felt that the execution wasn't quite right.
I know you said that you didn't intend to take this too seriously, but in my opinion, you should've either gone for a "full" comedic or a serious approach. This "half-way" you have going to pretty strange. The nonchalance expressed by the students, teachers, and parents alike would be okay if the entire story took a comedic approach, but it doesn't. Oh, he/she died; tragic.
Finally, I felt that the ending was quite abrupt. We go from the bridge being cut off straight into a car shooting out of a clearing to psychopathic son. Then again, maybe this is part of your "not too serious" idea.
4/8. You can write, no doubt. Work on your plot development. If you plan on continuing, I look forward to your next work.
-- LNFyle on 1/16/2017 6:38:39 PM
Now that all the ratings are decimals, what kind of 2s are deletion-worthy now? Are we able to delete things like 2.5s and other round-uppers, or just early 2s that would've been 2s before?
Logically, <2.5, since that would have rounded to 2.
Recommending comments for featuring:
Sentinel's Retro Review Hour (Sages are Best):
A Long Walk Home
Alright, this isn’t exactly the most productive use of my time, commenting on ancient stories with long-dead authors and stuff, but it is interesting to look back on this stuff, now that I’m point scrounging like a motherfucker and trying to find my way to Commendment Heaven. All the storygames have been rated and reviewed by people much better and faster than I, and so now I’m forced to turn to Archeology and pick up old Review Real Estate if I want to have fancy stuff.
Not that I mind. Like I said, this is kind of interesting to look back on. This is a late 2014 game, and, knowing CYS in 2014 and the kind of creatures we were dealing with, it’s just nice to see a short little game that’s decidedly average coming out of that era. Granted, I don’t think WC was a major problem until maybe a year after that, but there was a good long period before and after that whole apocalypse where shit games were a major complaint. This may have come in on the front end of that tsunami, or The Epidemic really was that recent. I dunno, putting my archeologist fedora on for a sec, and judging from the posts that call for a WC ban appearing “One Year Ago”, I think it’s fair to say that this was at the beginning of our long-suffering era. Or maybe just a time when I wasn’t looking. Story history is not really my area of expertise. I can’t tell you what was going on in the New Storygames Section of 2014.
There are always the classic mistakes of the old “random” games you used to get around here all the time. There’s the endgame page available from the very first choice, (And of course, the choice remains for a fair bit) but nonetheless there’s an interesting dynamic here.
You’re tasked with investigating a dumpster, and a whole bunch of things can result from this. An epic it is not. Nothing complex happens, nothing extraordinary or engrossing occurs, but it’s just enough. Just enough to keep you entertained for a good minute or two. And, oddly enough, it feels like the most “realistic” story I’ve read in a while. There isn’t that much action in the traditional sense, everyone involved in this has a different story, and, just like in real life, you have the option to refuse the wild path and leave. Yes, you can get murdered by a murderer, but the majority of the endings have nothing to do with that. You rescue a puppy, or you help out a runaway, or you walk out and try not to bother with it. It’s unremarkable, but pleasant in its own right, kind of like life in general.
I’m not sure what more there is to say about it, there isn’t much more to be said, but, y’know, it’s nice to see this. I kind of enjoyed this. Yes, the potential for extreme storytelling wasn’t really capitalised on, but sometimes it’s nice to just casually read a story that indulges in decidedly inextreme storytelling. It was short and sweet, and for its many flaws, there was just something that felt believable about it. Nostalgia may be working in mysterious ways, but for me, this was a solid 4/8, and a worthwhile lunch break to write.
-- ISentinelPenguinI on 1/17/2017 12:52:00 PM
I’d like to think I’ve written the best Quiz Game on this site. I mean, barring the fact that my game is broken, and I hardly remember my answers. However, it was written a long time ago and it’s 4/8, which is almost never happens unless you’re a successful asswank like Kiel Farren. But Kiel Farren is long gone, so I think I might be the only person left to teach you the ways of good Quizmanship… I mean, it was sketchy and barely qualified as a quiz, but screw you, I’m the expert here.
Here’s a query-by-query analysis of the xkcd quiz.
Quick Aside on the first page:
Yeah, I get that this is a fandom quiz, so people who don’t understand the subject matter won’t rate you very highly. This is kind of the big problem with fandom quizzes. However, you need to find some way to engage them outside of the fandom, then. Maybe talk about xkcd, include hints in this dissertation. Tell us about why you like it, and why you decided to make a quiz about it. Nevermind that this is something that I never did, it’s a good idea that I came up with right now.
What does xkcd stand for?
Okay, I may have bit off more than I could chew with this whole “Review each individual question” thing. There isn’t a lot of material to work with, here. Although, I guess this is a pretty good question. For those of you who don’t know what xkcd is, I won’t spoil it, but this question, last I checked, was one I looked up years before playing this quiz, and last I checked, took a little bit of digging into the site (As in, a few clicked links) and some reading to find out what the whole xkcd thing was about. Although I wouldn’t quite say the “right” answer is /exactly/ correct, that is basically what it equates to.
What is the name of the author of xkcd?
Awkward wording aside, I can’t really praise or fault this question for anything in particular. It is what it is, though I’d kinda prefer if there were more of an engaging preface to it and these questions, so people who haven’t seen xkcd can actually be engaged, and you don’t need to give them this “DONT RATE MY FANDOM SHIT BADLY” trash that people seem to think absolves them of their literary sins. If you want to make your fandom welcoming to outsiders, you have to, y’know, build a door first.
Xkcd has another site called “What If?” where people send in ____ questions and he answers them. What is ____?
Y’know, Mizal strikes me as the kind of person who would have something funny to say to this question. I just have that feeling. But alas, I am not a Mizal, so there will be not funnies for you. If there was one qualm I have, it’s that the answer is already sort of there in the question, and this is decidedly not a riddle story.
Ques- Okay, fuck it. It’s a quiz, alright? you know how it goes, I don’t want to eliminate the purpose of playing the game for anyone. I appreciate that he’s pulled a Briar_Rose on this one and given everybody profile badges in the form of comic strips. That was pretty creative and pretty thematic, I liked that part. All good quizzes should have one… Except my quiz, I guess…
Tune in next time when I review each invididual question on the ASVAB Test.
-- ISentinelPenguinI on 1/17/2017 1:49:09 PM with a score of 7
As someone who knows nothing about Seinfeld, I can’t say this is really my cup of tea, but it is kind of entertaining to see. The whole thing is very blatant. It’s a 6-question quiz with no introduction whatsoever. You hit the play button and you’re thrown right into those trenches. I can’t really offer much advice that I haven’t offered to quizzes before this one, you need to introduce your subject matter and get the reader interested in some way.
An offer to share the knowledge is only fun for people who have the knowledge to begin with. You’re really banking on the general rating populace to have this kind of knowledge, which isn’t all that great, considering the fact that quizzes are by nature supposed to be a challenge that everybody wants to beat but not everybody can master.
Between simple and aesthetically boring questions, pictures and formatting that’s kind of a pain on the eyes, I have to wonder whether this quiz should even still be published… But that’s just my opinion. Hopefully the sequel that’s never gonna happen will be better than the current Seinfeld Trivia.
-- ISentinelPenguinI on 1/17/2017 2:04:31 PM with a score of 0
Ah, finally, I’m moving into newer, edgier territory! Now only HALF of the authors in the storygame I’m reviewing are dormant and never coming back. Historical gamebooks, particularly ones about the Underground Railroad, have always held a special place in my heart, because when I was a wee lad in fifth grade, we often read little Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books as a fun way to “Set the mood” during history lessons, and get an idea of what it was like to be-
“you are slave in the civil war you have been traped in a mansion. As you watch your freinds and family get sold at the slave market you have an idea.You will escape. Do you.”
Okay, I’ll be honest here, this is really not shaping up to be my favorite out of Betaband’s repetoire.
Jokes aside, this story actually holds up surprisingly well in bits, through even some very awkward first impressions. You get more than a fair bit of branching, even though grammar can be tough and the narration is overall very blunt, brief, and detached. You’re still getting your time’s worth in the ambitious level of choices there are. I was only able to get about 3 distinct paths down before realizing a full and specific review was more than I could handle.
Pretty good job, considering the stage of youth this was probably made in. I’m excited to see what Betaband does in the futu-... Wait, it’s already here. Oh, the joy of retro-reviewing!
-- ISentinelPenguinI on 1/17/2017 2:22:55 PM with a score of 0
More like Mario FARTY
Here we stumble upon a true relic of site history. This quiz, the Mario Party Quiz, is at least as old as 2006. That’s truly ancient. I don’t even think Eternal’s been around that long. Unfortunately, rather than something truly revolutionary, we have something a bit more like some pottery fragments. Interesting, and a small-town museum will certainly buy it from you, but it doesn’t reinforce any particularly remarkable facts. Rather, it reminds us of the simple things we already know about this time in the past: Our standards weren’t the highest when maybe only 100 or so stories were on the site.
I won’t lie, the quiz itself wasn’t abhorrent. The grammar was good enough, the questions were brief, but in-depth. The real problem came from a complete lack of reward. There is no way to gauge your knowledge or progress, no in-game recognition at the end. And let’s face it, in-game recognition is the only kind of recognition you’ll get for beating this game, nobody’s going to go about bragging that they 100%-ed the CYS Mario Party quiz.
Nonetheless, the questions were genuinely stumping and require a fair amount of experience with the entire Mario Party series to answer correctly. It’s a solid quiz, and even though it hasn’t taken much more than an overwhelming amount of “Mehhh…” to last this long, it hasn’t aged (too) poorly.
-- ISentinelPenguinI on 1/17/2017 2:46:09 PM with a score of 60
EDIT: Shit, half of these are already featured, but at least it's a complete collection and my selfish motivations for writing and compiling all these are now utterly transparent.
Well 3 points for the ones that weren't featured yet anyway.
I better start writing some more (and longer) comments.
Recommending storygame for deletion:
Reasoning: Well, the author couldn't even be bothered to spell the name of the series correctly in the title for one.
More Comments for featuring:
Sentinel's Sleazy, Squeezy, Underachiezy Part II:
Imaginary Child Ass
I was promised the ass of a butthead, so that I may shove my boot up it with speed and magnitude. I was only mildly disappointed.
I kind of like this one. I kind of don’t. The sheer absurdity of it is good enough. The premise of destroying “babyish” characters definitely brings back memories of rebellious single-digit-years gone by. It’s a storygame blatantly written by a kid, for kids. By all means, I should hate it, but I don’t. And, judging from the comments it gets to this very time of writing, very few other people do either. I guess it’s kind of like the “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” of CYS. Juvenile and corny, but at the same time endearing enough for a fair amount of people to kinda-sorta put it on the map and inspire sequels.
There’s quite a bit of randomness, the plot isn’t the best, and there’s more than one instance of the picture not at all matching up to the description. There’s death links passed about indiscriminately, and the game is otherwise not very well-designed. However, what it does good, it does good, and I can’t fault it for that.
Dora’s ridiculous evasion skills and insults like “Snooty little weiner” make the game well worth playing. The game shows its fair share of precociousness to complement its immaturity, and provides you with a style that, imo, is pretty entertaining to read.
Also, you blow up Dora with a Rocket Launcher. How have I not rated this shit before!?
-- ISentinelPenguinI on 1/17/2017 4:10:01 PM with a score of 0
As the foremost authority on quizwriting, it’s been a great honor running around trying to snatch up the special Commendation thingy by whoring myself out writing quiz reviews. The thing about critiquing unremarkable quiz storygames, however, is much the same problem as critiquing unremarkable everythings: There’s only so many times you can say “That isn’t particularly good” before someone calls you out on your repetittive bullshit.
As with most quizzes here, I’m not good with the subject matter and don’t much know or care about it, so there has to be something on the game’s end made to engage the reader, rather than the presumable reward or lack thereof at the end. A good way to do this is with an introduction, or rather, fucking anything to actually ease you into the quizzing process and establish the kind of questions you’re going to ask rather than throwing you straight at the questions and assuming you’re willing to complete the task.
I mean, god’s sakes, this is an ACTUAL CHORE for everyone who isn’t a spongebob fan! There’s no effort to engage the reader, no guarantee of a real reward. You just make educated clicks and wait for it to be over. It’s the literary equivalent of just bending me over a table and doing your business because you promised a free point at the end, I mean, what the hell, at least buy me a drink to dull my senses first!
I forgot what else I was going to say. I guess, maybe don’t make the mistakes the author did here. It’s not fun this way. You need to give everyone a reason to be interested. Also, how the shit did Seto play through something this bland and not leave a comment on how bland it was already!? Come on, you’ve 100%-ed the website, you should step up your game! (Please don’t.)
-- ISentinelPenguinI on 1/17/2017 6:43:48 PM with a score of 4
Jim Carrey Quiz
I’m starting to notice a running theme with all these quick “Pointfuel” games that I’m reviewing.
1.) They’re old. Ridiculously old. In fact, this one in particular is one year away from being legally allowed to own a gun, get married, vote, drop out of school, drink in Germany, smoke weed in Holland, and it isn’t legally allowed to have sex with any storygames 4 years or further away from its own age.
2.) They’re all quizzes, and not particularly good ones either.
3.) We had high standards for featurable comments and low standards for passable stories. These have endured the eons, but nobody even tried to discuss their content in any meaningful way, so lazy bastards like me can put points on the board by scouring old shite games they haven’t read before and making overly long, verbose analyses on these stories that the authors can no longer benefit from. I think I’m going to call this kind of review “The Vulture Method”.
There’s no introduction, no humor, no nothing. We click the play button, and as with that other quiz, we’re thrown right into it. We’re greeted not with trivia that truly tests how well we know the man, but rather a few standard “Movie Theater” questions about his career. But it’s not like you can really expect anyone here to actually personally know Jim Carrey anyway, because, as we all know, nobody ever talks to Jim Carrey. He’s been ostracised to the Andes at last check.
Not only this, but it comes to ridiculous conclusions about your knowledge based on these very specific, very trivial questions. Judging by my score, the machine thinks “You don’t really know who Jim Carrey is”.
Fuck you, quiz. These questions are flawed! I know everything about Jim Carrey! He ate Spaghetti 3 days ago for lunch 30 minutes after noon!
Now, as someone who has both watched The Mask, The Grinch, Mr. Popper’s Penguins, The Nipple Batman, and even the Alzheimer’s Tattoo movie, and then read the books immediately afterward, I’d like to think I know perfectly well who the hell Jim Carrey is. I mean, at least as well as whoever this author is. Just because they can’t answer these questions that could very easily have been googled info for “inspiration” beforehand, and usually have nothing to do with the actor themselves, but twiddly details that have to do with the movies and the people surrounding the actor, it isn’t a test of Jim Carrey Knowledge, but rather Jim Carrey Movie Knowledge. Which is fine, but for god’s sake be honest about it!
-- ISentinelPenguinI on 1/17/2017 6:19:54 PM with a score of 30
Sent, try to balance your rant mode and genuine critiquing.
That's for people with attention spans. I mean, ones that weren't compromised by the previous reviews.
I only review things when asked to by people xD or if they're abhorrently terrible.
Recomending comment for featuring on:
Eurgh. This story was frustrating. The author clearly put some effort into this and, persistent punctuation issues aside, the writing itself is pretty decent.
I was just so, so disappointed with the unbelievable mess the plot turned into and the generic non-characters. I had a whole thing written out after the first few pages questioning all the POV switching, from what started out seeming like Matt, to an unknown 'you', to Tom, then David, then others, sometimes right in the middle of a page or scene. But, then I get to the point where people are dying and none of their friends have a reaction stronger than a shrug, and I realize that if the other characters and the story itself doesn't care about any these people, then I really don't either.
Added to that, nothing about Alexis' actions or explanations or that of the villain's made any sense, and (as was pointed out in one of the first few pages by the story itself) it was sort of ridiculous the kids were there in the first place. That same teacher got five kids killed in the same place the year before, apparently multiple other kids have died there since then, and the police haven't looked into it? The school is still sending field trips?
Sure, this is a genre where that sort of thing can be handwaved away more easily than in others. The premise of the plot was such a basic and extremely familiar one, there was nothing keeping this from being a solid, if not terribly creative entry into the campground slasher genre. But if the author doesn't put in an effort to make it believable it's just a dull parody.
I'm actually way more annoyed with all this than I wouldn't been with the typical two page wonder, given the overall quality of the writing. To the author, all I can say is that you can do so, so much better than this, and I hope you keep practicing and write something that makes the reader want to be drawn in and care about what happens next time.
-- mizal on 1/17/2017 8:17:10 PM
Good comment, now Mizal can stop begging me to commend her for something.
Recommended comment for featuring (I must bring my faction to glory and riches!):
1. I liked the sense of humor, but this is far too short and the plot consequently moved too rapidly.
The longest path I found proceeds like this:
Wants to become a wizard – Takes a test – Passes and becomes qualified to become wizard – Becomes Bandit instead – Attacks and kills Headmaster – Plunders and kills everyone and establishes a new school.
This is accomplished in 10 pages. Here’s the shortest path I found:
Wants to become a wizard – Become bandit instead – Attacks and kills Headmaster – Plunders and kills everyone and establishes a new school.
This is accomplished in 6 pages. There is little build-up and little detail on how these events happened. Not to mention that the direction changes on a whim. You are supposed to be taught how to be a wizard, but then the choice of being a bandit shows up and you can act upon it without any build-up or reason for the protagonist to act upon those wishes. Why does the protagonist consider being a bandit? Why does he become a bandit (depending on the player’s choice)? There was nothing to indicate that their goals or aspirations could be achieved by banditry (One way this can be solved: they want riches above all else and aren’t afraid to do dirty work in order to obtain it, this can be achieved by banditry, so the choice to become a bandit makes sense) or that their personality would influence such behavior (One way this could be solved: make the main character not care about the welfare of anybody but himself). If there’s no indicator or reason of why the protagonist is striving to do something, then it makes that striving to do something pointless. Also, these are the only paths I found without resulting in me dead, making it incredibly linear as well. I don’t understand why you couldn’t add a conclusion for the wizard path and instead force people to go down the bandit path in order to get a prologue. This also would’ve made the test with the wizard not pointless. This also would’ve removed that annoying loop-back link.
There is little back story and no motivations for the main character. I know that they went to the wizard school because they are a wizard, but why did they leave their previous home in order to learn at the school? What does being a wizard mean to them? Why did they see it as more of an aspiration compared to other careers? Asking questions about characters motivations and answering them via either interactions between characters (such as the Headmaster. An example: “Obviously you are good enough to be a wizard, so much in fact that you get to skip enrollment and all that other stuff and get right to the test! But first, I’m curious, why are you a wizard?”) or by the narrator explaining (You, an aspiring wizard, have left your home to learn more about wizardry because of your hometown’s constant barbarian attacks. You hope that you will learn offensive spells in order to protect yourself and the town. Well, that, and because you have massive debt from the tavern, and you hope that the tavern and it’s owner will be destroyed and killed by another attack while you’re absent. Good thing this academy doesn’t have a tuition fee, or you’d be in massive student debt too!) or by any other methods out there.
The main character has very little personality. I realize that the story is in second-person and you want people to put themselves in the boots of the protagonist, but the protagonist has to still have a worth-while personality. Think of it this way, you cannot think up and present all the different ways a character can go about a situation in a setting you produce. One way to cherry-pick the choices you present is to think of what the character that you have built up a personality would choose. You cannot do that with someone who does not have a personality at all.
I assume the Headmaster is speaking to us directly, so he should have quotation marks around his dialogue. Aside from that, technical missteps are few but present.
Details were few and far and each page was pretty barren. Ask these questions: What does the protagonist look like? What does the Headmaster look like? What does the school look/smell/feel/hear like? What does Fantalia look/smell/feel/hear like? Always think of the five senses when describing anything in your story.
Never put an end game link on the first page.
I would give this a 2/8, since some effort was put in and I like the humor, but the first-page end game link, the extreme linearity and, to a lesser extent, the loop-back link all bumped it down to a 1/8.
-- Bannerlord on 1/17/2017 10:47:53 PM with a score of 0
You are making me feel bad for not contributing to our pile of points. T^T