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Here is an excerpt of the story i am working on I would appreciate it if you guys can tell me what you think of it

 

                                                                  A Very Rainy Night

I rushed out of my apartment into the pouring rain almost instantly feeling the frigid air of the dark night like a slap to my face. I keep finding my thoughts drift to my cosy warm apartment surely my parents will understand if i cancel tonight i quickly rid myself of the thought as i trek on hugging my arms close to my chest trying to hold as much warmth as i can close to my body. I am just turning the corner to where i am supposed to be meeting my parents as i hear footsteps coming from behind me i quicken my pace but it seems i wasn't fast enough because i feel a sharp pain on the back of  my head the last thing i see is a dark silhouette and a faint flash of light before my vision fades to black.

 

 

It's interesting enough that I'd keep reading, but the grammar needs work.  "I" should always be capitalized, and you've got a lot of run-on sentences. 

Looks good, but like Seth said, is are Is. Make sure you proofread it several times yourself and try to get someone else to proofread the game for you before you publish it. ^_^

As Seth said, you have an opening that raises story questions, but you need to work on your grammar. You flop between past and present tense, so you need to decide if the story is happening now or in the past and stick with whatever you choose. I edited your passage to fit the past tense. There are more ways to edit the passage, but this should serve as good an example as any.


I rushed out of my apartment into the pouring rain, and the frigid air slapped my face. My thoughts kept drifting to my cozy warm apartment. Surely my parents would understand if I canceled our plans for the night, right? I trudged on, hugging my arms close to my chest, trying to hold as much warmth as I can close to my body. As I turned the corner to where I was supposed to be meet my parents, I heard footsteps coming from behind. I quickened my pace, but I wasn't fast enough. A sharp pain exploded on the back of my head. The last thing I saw was a dark silhouette and a faint flash of light before my vision faded to black.

Okay thanks for your input guys im sort of new at this and i appreciate that you took the time to tell me what you think i like to think that i write pretty well for 13 btw making changes now

Sorry to break it to you honey, but there are many 13 year olds who write better than you. Please do not play the age card, it just annoys everyone. 

That being said, your sample looks interesting, and it's always great to have new members on this site. Welcome :).

@betaband, Sorry about playing the age card didn't mean to annoy anyone and I apologize if I did annoy you with what i said. For Future reference I will try not to use it. Though I still remain confident in my abilities as a writer and know that many 13 year olds are exceptional writers and some's skills as writers exceed mine.But even saying this, I still believe that my skills as a writer are at least above average for my age. I also thank you for taking the time to review what I have written and put forth your opinion to help me to Improve my writing.  

I also noticed that you haven't played (or at least rated) any games so far on this site. I'd recommend playing some to get the feel of a story game. It's great to have another 13 year old on the site who isn't completely intolerant of critisim.

Correct way to type that sentence; Okay, thanks for your input guys. I'm sort of new at this and I appreciate that you took the time to tell me what you think. I like to think that I write pretty well for 13. By the way, I'm making changes now.

 

Also, I think I write pretty well for a 13 year old as well. Started this when I was 12, though I'm still working on it. On this site, the 'I'm just __ years old.' card doesn't work well, as Beta has already pointed out.

Edit: I apologize if I seem a bit rude. I did not mean it to sound that way.

Welcome to the site. :)

@TacocaT Yeah........it is a bit rude but I needed to hear it i admit that......I didn't really think before I typed it and now I realize that i probably shouldn't have typed it because their are probably a ton of people my age who can write better and i apologize for being so self centered..........It Probably comes from the fact that I am overly confident in my abilities.

Seriously, capitalizing those "I"s would be a great start. I mean, everyone makes typos, especially in forum posts and stuff, but you missed two just there. And that is after multiple people pointed it out.

No matter what you do there will always be someone better. Unless you're Tom Brady; he can do no wrong.

Like Beta and Taco pointed out, don't play the age card (I'm 13 as well, but that's pretty well known by now). Your writing is good from what I can see on the fixed version, but there are several mistakes. Anyway, I wish you luck on your story, but read some of the top-rated stories and some of the terribly rated stories on the site before continuing, just to get an idea of what's good and what's absolute shite.

Thanks for the advice

                                                                            Edited Version

                                                                   Better Than The First Right?

                                                                     A Very Rainy Night

I rushed out of my apartment into the pouring rain almost instantly feeling the frigid air of the dark night like a slap to my face. I keep finding my thoughts drifting to my cosy,warm apartment surely my parents will understand if I cancel tonight right? I quickly rid myself of the thought as I trek on hugging my arms close to my chest trying to hold as much warmth as I possibly can close to my body.I walk through the dark dim lit streets for what seems like an eternity.I am relived when I turn onto the street where the restaurant I am supposed to be meeting my parents Is.My relief is cut short when I hear footsteps coming from behind me echoing off the empty street.I quicken my pace, but within seconds I feel a sharp pain on the back of my head.The last thing I see is a dark silhouette bending over me and the sound of a car approaching.My vision fades to black as I find myself slipping into a state of unconsciousness.

You have a few less run-on-sentences and capitalized your "I"s (and one "is"), but almost every other previous grammar error remains. The first sentence is still past tense. It is also a run-on. Dictionary.com says that 'cosy' is acceptable, but I have never seen anyone spell it with an 's' before. It too is a run-on. A comma is needed before 'right'. The third sentence is a run on. The fourth sentence needs a comma between dark and dim. When you use two adjectives together that mean a similar/same thing, you should separate them with a comma. For example: Mary has a happy, merry lamb. The fifth sentence: It is generally a bad idea to end a sentence with the word "is." The 'i' in 'is' is also capitalized for some reason. The sixth sentence is another run on. Some of these can be fixed by learning comma rules. I'm going to stop there. I have no idea why you took out all the commas that fixed some of the run-on-sentences in the example I gave you. Big sentences don't make you a better writer. You don't capitalize the first word of a sentence later in this passage, and you stop putting spaces after periods. Honestly, this is probably worse. I recommend you spend some time the next few days reviewing grammar rules. Their are a number of excellent sources on the internet such as This.

Sorry for that being all bunched up. I had it spaced out, but I think my link caused it to glitch.

EDIT: My link that didn't work. Grrrr.... Here.

http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp

Okay I will do that and see if I actually succeed in improving my grammar..........They Should really create a program that corrects your writing for you for people like me who are bad with grammar,spelling/punctuation, and etc

Also remember to have a space after commas and ellipses. 

The problem with a program like that is (and there are some out there) it stops your from noticing mistakes and improving. You'll get better with time 

Nice descriptions so far, but watch your tenses.  You switch from past tense to present tense in the beginning.