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First page of my story Christmas Vacation

one year ago

This is the first page of a story I am working on... thoughts?

Your parents car bumps along the highway, snowflakes swirling past the window you stare out of in the back seat.  It's 8:20 pm and you've been driving all day to your Grandparents ' house, where you'll be staying for a week during Christmas vacation.


 

All of your aunts and uncles, including your five annoying cousins and one mentally unstable cat, will be there too.  You're an only child and you wish you could have found a friend in at least one of your cousins, but so far, no such luck.  It's been a while since you've seen them, though, so they'll be a lot older... and hopefully nicer.


 

You wonder if you're Aunt Betsy is out of jail yet.  She got arrested a few months ago for drug possession.  Everyone in the family is slightly embarrassed about her.


 

You look out the windshield to see your car turn onto a long, uphill driveway that disappears into the mass of flurrying snowflakes after a few yards. 


 

You mentally review everyone who will be there in your head.

First page of my story Christmas Vacation

one year ago

It is a very strong start establishing interest in the situation and principal characters, perhaps the reader might want to know more about the five annoying cousins such as their names and specifically what trait makes each one annoying (also why is the cat mentally unstable? What actions has it performed to earn this label?). I would also say you have not yet given us a clue of what type of story this will be, indications of characters suggest a Murder Whodunnit but it could quite easily be a young Fantasy story or even a School-based story (perhaps we have to endure schooling with these oddbod relatives?). Doubtless this is what this passage would then develop onto.

Aunt Betsy's drug possession is also a little surprising in an otherwise fairly peaceful opening, does this suggest something more dark is awaiting later in the story. Overall this passage's writing is strong but underdeveloped to give the reader a clear sense of which direction this story will take. I think if you can maintain this strong tone, character description and lack of mistakes in spelling/grammar this story will be a very enjoyable read yes

First page of my story Christmas Vacation

one year ago

Thank you for your thoughts! There will be a character description after the first page going over everyone who will be at the grandparent's house.  I am thinking about making it a murder mystery, and hopefully there will be darker elements farther along in the story.  I don't think there will be fantasy elements... the story is in the early stages though.  I will consider elaborating on the cat's behavior :D again thanks for replying!

First page of my story Christmas Vacation

one year ago

Quite good actually.  At least I know it won't be all fun and games all the way.

First page of my story Christmas Vacation

one year ago

Thank you!

First page of my story Christmas Vacation

one year ago
I like it. Well, except for the title, because Chevy Chase's adventure quickly jumped to the forefront of my mind...

Will the next lines include a mental review of everyone who will be there?

First page of my story Christmas Vacation

one year ago

Thank you! And yes, next there is a description of all the characters that will be there.