Non-threaded

Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Thread

Find proofreaders here, useful resources, and share opinions and advice on story crafting.

The Reapers

8 years ago

Finally, I do something. Yeah, I know you mods are looking right at me!

Don't worry, cause this is my big project I will be working about ten hours a day on! Here is the story:

The Reapers are a dark cast of war lords that drift space endlessly. Looking for something to kill, destroy......until they find Earth. Earth is currently ruled by the Counsellors, a fair and ancient caste. But now the lowest and the highest must channel their control of the Ichor, a powerful presence. Now we will fight. We will live. We will die. Earth must survive!

Here is the link.

So yeah, motivation and support really help!

I am trying a name system and if anybody experienced could help, that'd be really awesome!

The Reapers

8 years ago

I can help you by playtesting, suggesting ideas, proofreading, and by offering support.

The Reapers

8 years ago

Thanks! 

Wooh, this is hard! So far I've implemented a 5 letter name......i willoverall do 8. Yay! Please test to see if it works.

The Reapers

8 years ago

I am looking for co-authors. Must be experienced and able to use advanced edits. I am looking for a few to help out each part. I want one to be able to write, one be able to code, and be able to use advanced items. Thanks......

The Reapers

8 years ago
"I've never published anything, but I'll make all these demands and expect people to actually help me."

Why do people do this?

The Reapers

8 years ago

Hey, Killa, see what I've wrote so far....I've made the basic name system.

The Reapers

8 years ago

Hey guys! I finally finished the name maker......now I'm off to writing! Wish me good luck! XD

The Reapers

8 years ago

Um, sorry to bother you but, this is the new one. I knew you were interested in the original named.....differently.

@the_quiller

The Reapers

8 years ago

:P I don't have time to read very far, but... 

>>The first page

^ No. This is your first page. This is the title of your first page. Your first opportunity to grab your reader's attention. "Generic" / "Default" is a big no-no if you want people to sit up and pay attention.

>>An ominous sound echoes through an empty, forgotten dark hallway.

... Ok. What was it?

>> The black, shiny marble walls are stained with memories of terrible. twisted things.

If you want my opinion of writing, I'm going to encourage poetic description. That, characters, and angst are what I do best. "Black" is explanatory, but common-place. "Shiny" is also common-place. Writing is art, and while there are moments when simplicity and bluntness is best, descriptions are a chance to fill your world with color and emotion. Your choice of words is everything. (Also, I'm assuming you meant for that period to be a comma, otherwise we need to talk punctuation and capitalization.)

>>The guards stand behind a very old gated wall.

Actually, we need to talk punctuation regardless. If you're listing things / stating multiple attributes, you use commas. "She was a fair, sweet, gentle-hearted lass." "He was a cold-hearted, iron-fisted, evil bastard." "It was a very old, gated wall."

>>Behind the wall comes the hellish nightmares that scar this hallway.

^ Awkward. "Comes" does not go with "nightmares." Either "Come the nightmares" or "comes with nightmare." The sentence is a bit awkward regardless. "From behind the wall, in seeps the hellish nightmare that scars this godless hallway." (Yes, I embellished.) 

>>The source of darkness comes from this one room.

The source isn't coming from the room, (as your sentence imples) the darkness is, so remember to make your wording clear.

>>But nothing ever leaves.

^ Except the darkness, you mean? And this could've been part of the previous sentence.

>Except for him. The creature. It. A thing of darkness, just a figment of Death himself.

And him, I guess. Also, I normally despise sentence fragments, but I do accept them for emphasis and style--just don't overdo it or it loses impact, looks unpolished, and tends to annoy.

>>Torches with fire trying to desperately vacate the room.

As... opposed to torches with water? xD Isn't this redundant? (And you may want to clarify that they're trying to vacate the room of darkness specifically, because otherwise, they just sound like rude landlords or like they're trying to burn the crap out of its one mortal inhabitant to make him leave.)

>>A man, strapped to a chair is screaming bloody murder.

The comma here doesn't really serve a purpose. You could say it's a pause, but it's a weird pause.

>>Wires and devices prob at him, dealing the most damage any Human being has felt.

Probe has an e on the end, human needs no capitalization.

>>The dark figure stands over the decaying corpse, waiting for the man to finally die.

He's waiting for a corpse, defined as someone or something who is already dead, to die?

>>But he enjoys it, the sick smell of death and despair.

The "but" is not needed. There is no reason to believe this statement contradicts / acts in opposition to the previous one. (Like in the usage "I don't normally go to concerts, but my favorite musician is playing." I don't believe this is out of the ordinary for this figure.)

>>The creature is known as the Reaper, because of his uncanny ability to ride time itself without a trace.

... Wouldn't it make more sense for him to be called a reaper for a tendency of collecting souls or something, rather than time travel or disappearing? Because, disappearing without a trace would bring to mind a name like "phantom" or "ninja," and time travel would suggest a name like ... Doc Brown or Chicken. :P (BTTF joke.)

>> "Excellent...Leave!"

That really should be "Excellent ... leave!"

And that's all for now. I find the premise intriguing at least, I like Grim Reaper style characters / angels of death.

 

The Reapers

8 years ago

Man, you are a critic! But yeah, I never said I was content with my story so far, and I will keep adding pictures, better writing, and so forth.

But I really appreciate your help. Thanks! 

The Reapers

8 years ago

Indeed, but that's how I fine-tune my own work. I am always harshest on myself. :P

No sweat.

The Reapers

8 years ago

I know, it would be great to have some kind of co-author that could criticize me! XD

The Reapers

8 years ago

That's what beta-readers are for, hehe.

The Reapers

8 years ago

Oh god, don't get me started.....XD

The Reapers

8 years ago

Hey, can somebody do me a favor by testing the create a name?

The Reapers

8 years ago

Oh, but the Reaper was originally called the Ryder. Mod's told me to change it XD

The Reapers

8 years ago

Okay guys, I have edited the beginning story......it is a lot better! Hope you guys like it!

The Reapers

8 years ago

Can I help you? 

The Reapers

8 years ago

On what aspect?

The Reapers

8 years ago

Yay! I have finished the introduction and name system. So far I have about 26 pages.......