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Low power level writing

7 years ago

Hey could I have some help writing I kinda suck, I don't need you guys to do the writing for me I'm not a toddler I just need some constructive criticism or some ideas for how I could improve myself

Low power level writing

7 years ago
You came to the right place! Post sample or link and you shall have all the critiques you can stand lol~

Low power level writing

7 years ago

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/feudalism

Low power level writing

7 years ago

Remember to read what you've written out loud. There should be a natural "flow".

Low power level writing

7 years ago

Alright I'll try that

Low power level writing

7 years ago

Hi there! Great idea coming here to ask for help :)

I read your story, and the imagery you used it masterful; I quite liked it. The descriptions of the characters, the surroundings were on point. I have nothing to fix there, so you've done very well! Good job!

However, on the structure, you could use a bit more words to fill in the gaps in the pages. Too much space leaves a mind to wander, hmm? Also, the punctuation is a bit shaky, sometimes missing in spots--but that's okay, you can totally fix that. Like the person above had stated (my mind is drawing a blank right now, sorry), you could read the page aloud to see how the writing flows and to check for places to add things. Commas are really cheap, and so are periods, so I strongly suggest you use other highly-valued punctuation marks, such as hyphens or dashes, perhaps even some semicolons here and there. I find that a lot of people tend to leave sentences open and unfinished, so that would be a good thing to fix.

I wish you the best of luck on your story!

Low power level writing

7 years ago

Thank you I'll try my best

Low power level writing

7 years ago

There were a few run on sentences here and there, and there were commas/periods where semicolons would be better placed. There must be punctuation in dialogue. This:

She looked down at the precious infant in her arms, kissed their forehead and whispered to them:"There isn't much time left"

Could be written as this:

She looked down at the precious infant in her arms, kissed their forehead and whispered to them, "There isn't much time left."

And this:

"We don't have a choice its either this or starve we're orphans remember? we can't worry about what's wrong or right, we have to worry about survival" sitting down he munches on a piece of bread after finishing his sentence and continues "Its not like anyone else is taking care of us we're on our own and naive ideals won't cut it"

Can be written as this:

"We don't have a choice. It's either this or starve. We're orphans, remember? We can't worry about what's wrong or right; we have to worry about survival." Sitting down, he munches on a piece of bread after finishing his sentence and continues. "It's not like anyone else is taking care of us. We're on our own and naive ideals won't cut it."

Like Malkalack said, read your story aloud and see for yourself if it flows properly. So far, your story is pleasant. It has the potential to be an excellent storygame. It's really just the punctuation, odd flow and lack of apostrophes in certain areas that butcher it, to say the least. I'd also like to see more description and a bit more backstory on the characters and setting.

Low power level writing

7 years ago

Thanks I appreciate the criticism I'm a novice at writing so it helps a lot 

Low power level writing

7 years ago

Hey, do you by chance remember how the start of my story goes?(Feudalism)
I accidentally edited out the first couple sentences of the starting page and I really liked how it went, I can't remember the original start and that's causing me a lot of headache and writers block, If you could message me back a part you remembered that would really help me a lot, specifically the intro when the woman is walking through the snow, with what shes doing and her surroundings.

- Multiverse

Low power level writing

7 years ago
Unfortunately, I do not. I'm sorry.

Low power level writing

7 years ago

Ah, thanks anyways

Low power level writing

7 years ago
As an opening this has potential, but there are a lot of distracting technical and grammatical issues (persistent punctuation errors, run on sentences, tense switching, etc.) that would need to be cleaned up before I could give it a serious critique.

Low power level writing

7 years ago

Understood