Pffh, would've been funnier if you just typed one really shit line and then asked for what you did wrong and a shit ton of praise for what you did right.
Interesting start, and very intriguing! I'd like to see this continued.
Although, I can't help but notice some names that are either the same as or similar to ones in my story... It's probably unintentional, though.
On the whole, I think it's good!