Since it worked so well last time I figured I’d make another one of these.
Side Note: The Kingdom of Cystia is now put back on hold.
As of now I have the basic plot line planned. Characters, Setting, and everything else is under severe construction. Heck, even the plot is being worked on, but I’ll go ahead and through what I have out there.
In some place, somewhere you play one (of many) of a god’s Maid. As such you could be considered some kind of angelic being. You reside in whatever godlike realm that your master lives in, but when the mortal realm gets taken over by a heathen king, you (and others) are sent to ‘convert’ him in order to have sacrifices to your master start flowing again.
I know, a religious themed story? And for a contest run by End no less? Well here’s the catch. The game will feature you and your attempts to convert the king through: Seduction, backstabbing fellow angels, (literally and figuratively) and similar things. Who knows? Maybe you might even find love along the way.
I’m thinking there will be an option to play as three different angels at least, and if I have time, a bonus path where you are the king. Should be a fun story to write.
Lol, but you forget this is me mizal. I think you’re just panicking that you won’t get your 200 point bonus for this...
What's this contest I keep hearing about?
Indeed, his idea doesn’t seem nearly EndMaster esque enough.
I don't know how well it fits romance, but the premise sounds interesting and I hope you do write it.
Story Update: The above story idea is no longer in progress, and will likely never be written.
This doesn't mean that I'm dropping the contest, rather, it means that I'll be trying out a different idea. That idea has yet to be developed, and the next update will come when I do know what I will write.
I'm sorry to hear that. Good luck with your new idea.
Already Ebon has fumbled with his story idea and desperately flailing for a new one.
It doesn’t help that I’ve been practically bedridden for the past week and a half. No idea, no inspiration, and no energy makes for a horrible combination. I’ll likely stay in this state of physical and mental Hell until I manage to get over this virus.
I'd mock you for your excuses, but your explanation of being in a state of physical and mental Hell made me laugh.
You're still not feeling better? I'm sorry to hear that. I hope it ends soon.
Alright. I still have a little bit of a cough, but I'm pretty much all better at this point. Look forward to much more frequent updates. I've settled on a typical hero saves the damsel story, but with my own setting, plot, etc. If all goes well, then this will be the first of a five part series. Here's the description I have thus far...
Days before your marriage to Liliana, your wife to be, you are beaten and left for dead in an alley. When you come to, your fiance missing, and your once perfect life now in tatters. What else is there to do but to hunt those who wronged you and make everything right once more?
I will work on it, but that's the gist of it.
@mizal I know 1,374 words isn't very much for on page, but it's what my fevered mind could manage to come up with at 1 o'clock in the morning. Anywho, I hope this is proof that I'm not a lazy bum.
PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS POST
Story Progress Post:
Words: 10,098/ at least 30,000
And here's the first page...
Flickering orange torch-light spilled across the cobblestone roads. A mix of wooden and stone buildings were sprawled across the city with the busiest and most expensive buildings towards the center, where the King himself held court. The quality of the city steadily decreased the farther one went from the center going from: The Noble sector, The Mundane sector, and The Poor sector. There was no creativity with the name of the worst sector, but, Elric supposed, that was pretty obviously because they stopped caring at that point. It was a blessing that you didn't have a job that far from the center tonight.
Elric sniffed the night air. Yes, a blessing indeed. There would be plenty of time for booze and women tonight, Elric thought contentedly. His lot as a mercenary wasn't always the best job in the four realms, but it sure paid better than border duty near the Lost Realm. Rumor had it that those guards occasionally had to deal with goblins flying on top of wyverns! No, Elric was quite content with mercenary work. No chance of being eaten alive in the greatest city of the greatest realm in all of the four realms!
Well, unless you got on the wrong side of Dagod. He was the leader of the underground world in Elric's resident city of Alostead. Cross him and you'd find yourself hunted by every cutthroat mercenary in the city. Leave the city and you'd find yourself hunted down by vicious assassins in every city, village or nook you could possibly find yourself in. Leave the realm, and supposedly you'd find yourself at the sharp end of the notorious Realm Assassin's dagger. He could and would track a person to the ends of the the four realms to kill him. Upset Dagod and you would live the rest of your life in fear. Simple as that.
On the other hand, if you managed to be in the good graces of Dagod, you could look forward to to having a comfortable, if a little dangerous, life. Like Elric.
"Oi. Stop dozing off. I think I see her." The voice came from your current partner. A fellow rather new to mercenary work named Isak. He was a greenhorn if Elric ever saw one. His eyes simmered with too much energy. They constantly darted around in the dim torchlight of the roads. As if that wasn't enough, he was also constantly shifting which foot he put his weight on. It might not have bothered normal commoners, but it sure bothered the hell out of a trained merc like Elric.
"Calm down Isak. You're jittering around like a virgin about to get laid for the first time." Elric whispers this to him while silently following his gaze. If he did really see their target, then this was definitely going to be a good night. It wasn't too hard to see who Isak was looking at, and, well, hard to miss in general. That was one damsel Elric wouldn't mind getting a piece of.
Wavy black hair fell in curtains around her angelic face, and even from where Elric was situated he could see the glimmer of blue from her eyes. A blue dress hugged her curves admirably with her neckline not quite swooping, but definitely not modest either. She looked in her early twenties, and, in short, she was gorgeous.
But most importantly she fit every description that the contract detailed. Down to the letter. There was only one thing left to do to confirm her identity, so Elric and Isak waited as she stepped out of the tavern and onto the Mundane sector streets. A man, around the same age stepped out after her and tangled his own hand in hers. A complication, Elric thought. On that was easily dealt with, however, for while the man was muscular, he carried no weapon. In fact you were willing to bet that he would cower at the sight of a dagger. But an easy solution.
Elric and Isak watched closely as the pair made their way past. Their faces were flushed. Love or lust, you couldn't tell, but you what you could see was an emerald encrusted ring on the damesl's right ring finger. It was the exact thing Elric was looking for, Neither he, nor Isak paid any attention to the simple polished iron ring on her left ring finger.
Identity confirmed, Isak turned back to Elric for a final confirmation to which Elric nodded. It was time for work.
This job was to involve no killing. That rule was explicit. Dagod didn't want unnecessary blood on his hands. No, this was a simple abduction mission. The higher-ups had the logistics, but from what you gathered; someone very rich decided to pay Dagod a very large some of money to deliver this damsel, the contract named her Liliana, to the client. As simple a mission as one got from Dagod.
After Elric's target and her partner passed, he and Isak pushed off the bench they occupied, and began their pursuit. There were still enough people out to make following them not suspicious, but not enough to stay following them for longer than a few minutes at worst. Elric would have to make his move quickly. In preparation for this night, he memorized all of the routes leading to and from that tavern. Elric had Isak do the same. The age old abduction technique: bait and snatch. Elric would have Isak take a shortcut for the route chosen by their target, then he would start crying for help. Only loud enough so the target could hear, but as soon as the target went in, Elric would wrap a gag in their mouth, to prevent screaming, then administer the knockout drug to them via poisoned blade. While this happened Isak would take care of any escort the target had. In this case that would be the man.
With a few quick words and clarified locations, Elric set the plan in motion. All he had to do now was wait for his target to go snooping down an alley, and then Elric could spent the night amongst his two closest friends. Booze, and women with low standards.
It took a minute or so longer than Elric would've liked, but eventually his target and her escort turned the corner at the alleyway you specified to Isak minutes before. Ever the gentleman, her escort entered the alley first, but that only played into your plan. As soon as Liliana's and her escort's backs were turned, you gagged and administered the sleep inducing poison. It was fast-acting. Expensive, but necessary for your work. By the time her escort turned around she was already passed out, and Isak was getting ready to hit him in the head with the hilt of his dagger.
The escort's eyes widened, but before he could scream Isak crushed his dagger's hilt right into his skull. At least that was what was supposed to happen, and in fact was what should've happened, but some ungodly reflexes took control of the escort and he managed to spin away from the attack without a scrape. He then proceeded to pound his right fist into Isak's face. Elric hears a sickening crunch, and he knows Isak's nose will never look the same again. Isak drops to the ground with his back lying against the cold hard stone. He was no doubt wondering why his vision was red, and why he could see stars.
The escort, whom apparently is some sort of guard, wrenches the dagger from Isak and immediately dashes toward Elric. The escort was rash, confident even. He assumed that Elric would go down just as easily as Isak did, but he was sorely mistaken. Elric was no greenhorn, and this guy was clearly emotionally charged. He would make quick work of him.
And he did. With the girl in one arm, Elric sidestepped the brash lunge and then proceeded to slam his fist into the escort's temple. He dropped like a stone. Knocked out cold. On the other side of the alley Isak was only just starting to get up.
"Oi, hurry up Isak, we need to get out of here. The authorities could be here any second." That was a lie, but any mention of the Alostead watch was sure to quicken Isak's pace. He hurried and before too long the pair of you, damsel in tow, left the alleyway to go complete their contract.
I’ll take constructive criticism if you have it. I’ll likely not come back to this until I’m editing after everything is finished, well that, but I also might implement a certain part to that scene, but that part is still a working progress.
A shame. It’s supposed to get better when you put effort in to reading it. I have, but it doesn’t work nearly as well.
Meh, I wasn't hooked. I was reading while thinking, "Why am I reading?" The only answer was to make a critique with a clean conscience. I couldn't tell if our two mercenaries were supposed to have cockney accents, and it also reminded me of an info dump. Perhaps an "info/about" page would help your block of words? idk, it seems to almost be a good opening, but my response isn't the interest I'd expect from a fun premise (abductions are fun) and good writing.
Also, Elric seems generic as well. He's just another CYS anti-hero. I'll assume his personality comes out later.
Well Ebon, things aren't looking too good if your story is so dull that's it's not even grabbing boring old Wibbons.
Oh and here's some constructive criticism, don't take writing advice from filthy self loathing alcoholic lazy whores that believe in retarded astrology.
Who believes in astrology?
ha ha, look at those 80s shorts.
Apparently Elric was supposed to be the “anti-Conan” and was Moorcock’s answer to the whole “Alpha male power fantasy I’m the baddest motherfucker around and fuck all the bitches RAGH!”
Which in the scheme of things, didn’t really work since Elric is STILL a male power fantasy, its just more for those that want the whole edgy emo version instead, since despite his drawbacks, Elric is still pretty much a bad ass that is arguably more powerful than Conan ever could be since he's a wizard on top of being a skilled fighter.
Elric isn't the main character. I'm a firm believer in the second person style of writing this site pretty much champions, so the rest of the actual story will be from that perspective. The main character, as it happens, is the guy left to rot in the alley. Not Elric, who's name I guess I'll change now. This first page was mostly to establish the MC's motivation, but, looking back, it seems I didn't even put in the part where he was supposed to have a fire in his eyes.
Note to future me: Write when fully conscious.
Aside from that, I can't really say I have any excuses. I guess I'll edit some of the info out, and make it more eye popping. For now, however, it'll stay as its mundane self. I am glad to say that this will likely be the least eye catching of what I write for this story, so I'm not too discouraged.
Dang it, I've never really liked the decoy protagonist thing. In this case, it might be better. Not-Elric isn't too interesting.
I didn't intend him to be anything more than a target for the MC's hate tbh. And who better a target than someone just doing his job. Even if that job is underhanded in nature.
Hey, don't count me out with my nkj inspired story! :)
Oh. I thought I got all of those. Just another thing to fix.
With all of the mocking I'm getting from you, I expect a masterpiece from your entry. Otherwise you'll be driven to shame by what I put out.
Maybe we should have a side contest with points on the line? Surely you'll be willing to take an extra bet in this contest. Especially since my story will so obviously lose to Digit's and yours.
How about it? The winner gets 500 of the loser's points? EndMaster would of course decide the winner.
This'll be fun to watch if she accepts your proposal. :)
Edit lock. Had to be safe
We can still be united. Just make sure to remember that when I win.
I'm still with y'all even though your betting some useless points. Who knows what may happen. Perhaps we'll have a three-way tie for first. :)
Nah, I all betted out after betting my account (and all of my points) a while back. :)
@EndMaster to solidify this mini constest.
That's a cheap move Mizal, but I do suppose that getting me banned would be the only way for you to win.
Mostly so you don’t get shamed I guess. Idk why you actually accepted my offer. There’s everything for me to gain, but barely anything for you.
500 points is nice, but beating one of the more acclaimed writers on the site is much more motivating. By making this a sanctioned duel, I am effectively (specifically) winning over you while you specifically go against me. Whoever wins has their honor at stake. Put simply.
Of course, all of this goes through my head, but you (kinda like Steve) probably won’t care one way or another.
I can tell you prefer to use 2nd person, since you keep slipping in a bunch of 'you' in here that doesn't make sense, just as Mizal pointed out. Since the segment is 3rd person, mostly talking about Elric, the following didn't quite fit. It left me asking, "You, who?" I'm not sure if you've already cleared all the cases, but these are the ones I've found:
* It was a blessing that you didn't have a job that far from the center tonight.
After that is a paragraph with a bunch of hypothetical 'yous' that make sense as background info, which is fine. But then we get more that seem out of place.
* The voice came from your current partner.
* In fact you were willing to bet that he would cower at the sight of a dagger.
* Love or lust, you couldn't tell, but you what you could see was an emerald encrusted ring on the damesl's right ring finger.
* The higher-ups had the logistics, but from what you gathered;
* It took a minute or so longer than Elric would've liked, but eventually his target and her escort turned the corner at the alleyway you specified to Isak minutes before. Ever the gentleman, her escort entered the alley first, but that only played into your plan. As soon as Liliana's and her escort's backs were turned, you gagged and administered the sleep inducing poison. It was fast-acting. Expensive, but necessary for your work.
* He hurried and before too long the pair of you, damsel in tow, left the alleyway to go complete their contract.
All that being said, I actually liked most of the writing. I know others said it didn't grab them, but I found that it was fairly easy to picture what was going on. I'd have to see more to know whether the full thing is interesting or not, but I wasn't totally DISinterested by what you have written here.
Thanks for the feedback Myn! I meant to reply to this a while ago, but I'm just now finally getting to it.
No worries. Finishing the story and RL are more important than responding to me; that can always wait.
I suppose I should actually start writing.
If at first you fail, try, try again.
I re-did the first page: A new setting, perspective, and hopefully better writing. Feel free to take it apart like you lot did last time. This one is significantly shorter.
You were really starting to get tired of the color green. The forests were green, the grass was green, even your damn Realm's emblem was green. It made already boring guard duty even worse. You would pace back and forth staring at the dreadfully large expanse of forest ahead of you, but nothing would ever happen. You might see the occasional kobold walk along the edge of the forest, but they never did anything. They just watched and waited. If you weren't on a fifty foot high wall you might actually be worried, but, as it happens, you were. There was no kobold in all of the Lost Realm that could scale these walls, and even if there was it, and it's disgusting green skin would get peppered with arrows before it had the chance to. Yes, this was simply the easiest most boring place to guard in all of the Realm of Men.
It was because of this fact that your lieutenant was thoroughly confused when you requested to be transferred here. You were his most reliable soldier, and you knew that. You used his fondness of you to get him to give you this transfer. He'd asked why, and you'd simply replied that you needed time to get over what happened to Liliana. Your wife. She was assumed dead by everyone. The night of your wedding you and her were cornered in an alley by thugs. You were beaten to a pulp, and she was taken, in more than one sense of the word, right before your eyes. Her parting words to you before you blacked out from the pain were, "I'm lost!"
You take off your wedding ring and examine it. It's a beautiful piece. Solid gold encrusted with an emerald gem. It is the only green you find yourself being able to stand, and only then because it was from Liliana. Guard duty wasn't paying you enough for you to be able to get rings for the both of you, so instead you blew all of your money on her ring. That one was polished iron inlaid with golden patterns, and it wasn't much, but it represented more than money. Liliana accepted your proposal, and when she found out you hadn't gotten yourself a ring she gave you her mother's ring. It was a little too girly for you, but the smile on her face turned you into an emotional sob, so you accepted. She was taken that same night. Presumed dead, and with you chosen as her closest 'relative' it was up to you do bury her coffin. You did so quickly. Many people, including your lieutenant, suggested you take things slower, but you were adamant.
You didn't tell them why you were in such a hurry, and even if you did, you doubted they would believe you. You were the closest person to Liliana, and, consequently, the only one whom she would trust with her secrets.
Those words only meant one thing and one thing only. It was a confirmation to a question you asked her years ago, when the two of you first met...
Yea, this's much better. Also, screw you. I'll have to wait a while to know what "I'm lost" means, and I want to know that meaning to an annoying degree. :)
EDIT: should "easiest" be "easily" at the end of the first paragraph?
No. Easiest as in the easiest place to guard AND the most boring place to guard.
I’m pretty sure.
It's grammatically correct of course, though I'd have expected easily. np. Anyway, I wish you good fortune with your storygame, though slightly less favor than whatever favor I find in EM's eyes.
Fair enough, although, now that I'm on my feet my victory is only a matter of time.
Best of luck to you as well.
Well, I suppose it's time to enter crunch time. Finally got back to writing, and I've managed to knock out the second page. My motivation is increasing, and things are only looking up from here for me. I will try to update this thread everyday with new word counts, but I don't know how long that will last.
I'm looking forward to updates that'll shed some light on your progress. You're standing in shadows right now, and I can't tell if you're either picking your nose or writing pure gold.
I’ll make a more in depth update later, but right now I have 4 epilogues planned, and thus four paths (that merge and veer off the original path constantly) planned. 3 different romantic interests as of now, but that will likely change as time progresses.
And if I haven’t said it enough already. This story was based off of the simple, ‘hero saving the princess’ trope.
Well I have a few endings planned, and one of them happens if you somehow manage to waste too much time in rescuing your princess. It isn't very long, but it is proof of my progress.
Year 378 of the Second Era
Eventually, and despite all the trials you've gone through, you've managed to make it to Arboribus. You're taken aback by its beauty, so much, in fact, that you barely notice the head on a pike in front of the main gate. When you do, however, you're heart drops and you enter into that horrible state of being called failure. You can imagine her now. Beautiful onyx hair, with sapphire eyes filled with joy. She was an absolutely stunning person. The sole reason you even came to this hell of a forest. And her beautiful head was mounted on a stake in front of the city she loved so dearly.
Shock and horror pervade your mind all at once, but those are quickly replaced with despair. What was the point of living if Liliana was not alive to share that life with you? In a fit of drunken depression you feel your sanity begin to drift away. This fact is backed up when you numbly walk toward Liliana's head and pull it off the stake. You feel eyes on your back as you stumble back into the forests of the Lost Realm.
Some say you were killed by kobold. Others say that you starved to death, but the story that carries on into the future is that of a foolish lover. One that carries a dismembered head in their right hand, and a bloody sword in their left.
Hm, good to see you're making progress. I'm still wondering about your word count.
But where's the fun in that? I mean I could tell you that I just finished a 5,000 word binge write, but I feel like that might be showing my hand too much...
You'll find out soon enough.
Well, I just hit my 10,000 word mark. Now it may not look like it, but this could have quite a number of implications. For example, these 10,000 words aren't part of any particular path. Rather, the progress I've made thus far is only about the first part of the story. The part where everything is being introduced and whatnot. After this I still have four major portions of the story to go through, and ten days to do it.
Implication 1; If everything goes my way and I'm able to write every path out, then I could end up with one beast of a story. (Hoping for 40k words if possible) I feel this would only seal my victory away.
Implication 2: I might end up taking on too much work and ideas which would lead to me not finishing the story.
I still have a lot of stuff to write, but progress is being made and updates will be forthcoming.