Tried to send a link. Came out like this. https://goo.gl/images/L4HWVP
Most of my edits are around tightening the prose. Love your dialogue, btw.
One by one the campfires flared to life, the only color against the barren grey shore. The bright tongues of flame offered only capricious warmth as they guttered and popped in the damp and fitful [just a little too wordy?] wind, sending sparks against the huddled forms crowding close around them. “Ey, how about stepping back and sharing the fire. You’ll singe your whiskers off in a moment and serves you right, you greedy sow,” the reedy voice of a ferret complained to a nearby rat who had managed to squeeze his way into a prime location.[can be implied, tightening it] The ferret had a crumpled ear which twitched continually as though bothered by a fly, giving him a perpetually irritated air. The rat in question turned and gave him a sullen look, taking a swig from a flask and grimacing before spitting into the sand between the complainer’s clawed feet. “Go shave yourself. There are other fires.” “A rover in the 14th are you?” the ferret sneered, indicating a marking tattooed tattoo onto a bare patch of on the other’s shoulder. “Doesn’t surprise me. You lot always were all for taking what belonged to other beasts and never pulling your own weight neither.” “I’m in the 14th. You want to say that again?” Another ferret, this one considerably larger, loomed dangerously into the firelight and glowered at the speaker. “Hey! Settle down!” At the sharp order of their assembly commander, a scarred old stoat known as Jamber, they all three snapped to attention. “Those of you who want more fires need to go and help break up another dinghy. None of this bickering. Haven’t we been through enough?” Once the others had acknowledged that yes indeed, they had, he nodded his dismissal and moved away to settle a dispute elsewhere. The first ferret slunked off, ear twitching madly as he wrapped his patched and salt-stiffened cloak more tightly around himself. Above, the grey mass of clouds hung low and heavy over a choppy sea. Here and there a star glimmered through a ragged hole, peeping down at the five ships anchored a short way out and upon the host huddled on the shore. A more dispirited and dismal lot of vermin they had perhaps never seen; patchy fur, threadbare clothes, scars both old and new, all with a hungry and discontented look about them. [your adjectives often come in pairs, and it starts to feel a bit heavy/bogged down… feels like some should be eliminated] And yet this was no mere disorganized mob. They responded without argument to the officers who walked among them keeping the peace, and went about what work needed doing with a level of cooperation and efficiency that seemed second nature even in their weary and sullen state. Even their garments uniforms, a yellowed ivory with fading dark brown trim shabby as they were, showed signs of careful patching and repair.. A closer look would reveal that among the rank and file they had all once been similar in cut and in a yellowed ivory color with darker brown trim. [this description felt long, trying to help the flow by shortening] When water tasting of pitch and the meager rations of hard bread were distributed, again the signs of practiced, orderly conduct were all there, even if frayed at the edges and worn as thin as their cloaks. Any quarrels that broke out were quickly quieted and none led to bloodshed. The bread vanished as quickly as it was placed into eager paws, and after that the whole host settled down in the sand or milled about with an expectant, watchful manner. It was by now quite late, the moon high in the sky. However, aside from a beast here and there falling into a doze before being nudged awake by their fellows, none showed any particular sign of wishing to stretch out and sleep. [sentence felt long, so broke it up] They were waiting for something. The wait wasn’t long until Before long [to avoid repeating “wait”], the flaps of a large tent pitched up among the dunes were parted and a vixen stepped out, accompanied by a another fox, two ferrets and a rat. The whole company rose to their feet. The vixen was of a brindled pattern, black hairs mixed with reddish brown, dark all over but for a bit of white at the tip of her tail, and a blotch across the left side of the chest, and across on her left paw and thumb, leaving only the tips of the remaining four fingers black.[the fur description felt too long, might want to trim even more or break it up/put some of it later]
My pleasure. :) Happy to do more once you get to that phase.
This setting sounds eerily familiar.
What does their being animals add to the overall product?
Have you ever played Mouseguard? I have been wanting to DM that for about 2 years but I can't get enough people degenerate enough to play it.
But enough about that, Juggling alliances, politics, betrayal, early medieval? I'm in for this.
It's furry fanfiction, Mizal was just forced to change it around slightly so it's not technically fanfiction.
Glad to know where you draw the line! (on degeneracy and decency that is) I was expected you'd take that line of thought on the matter. It's much easier to broach issues of racism when we are talking in partial parallel instead of calling out directly. Aliens, Fantasy Races, and the Anthropomorphic can fill the role.
Well since this thread was so nicely bumped, hows the story coming along? Specifically, wordcount total.
Probably. 6k though is a pretty good amount compared to most everyone else though.
So kind of like Game of Thrones where you have Fantasy that comes more out of character motivation than some sort of magical Mcguffin. Although by Season 7 the show now more than ever seems like the Lord of the Rings.
Sounds like it's gonna be awesome :)
Good luck. It's always good when we push ourselves. There are so many more things we can creatively explore within the genre of interactive fiction.
Just take a break from the epic storygame and do a smaller one for now. After a while, you'll have a new perspective on the longer work and will be able to breath some new life into it.
It seems like everyone is going through this.
Maybe just go through and write some of the scenes that got you excited for the story in the first place. Then write all the boring parts after, or find ways to make them seem more interesting to yourself.
Or if not, I'm going to be trying it so I'll let you know if it works or not!
If it is, then Ebon is going to win their bet by default, unless he fails to submit something as well.
Digit better turn something in or else he'll be TWICE SHAMED as well, not to mention he's already in debt due to a loan.
That is great news.
gay
Good luck, hopefully the fairies work out better than the furries.
You usually can't go wrong with fairies.
Looks interesting so far. Hope to see this published in September!
At least the furries are gone. You were about to shoot yourself in the foot, but managed to turn the gun away a little bit so you only hit your toe. I mean, on one hand, fairies are better than furries. On the other, it probably isn’t the most interesting fantasy setting.
But you did make a squirrel story fun, so I have hopes here.
I’m just waiting for the day when you decide to write a traditional fantasy story. Now THAT would pretty much guarantee a feature.
Looks great! Can't wait to see the rest when it is done.
I like the creepiness of the mysterious shade beings, and the description of what I'm assuming is the slaughter of the assholes who ruined the Fairy's wings. The countering a brutal death at the hands of the shade things only to meet a gentle doom by the wisps was a pretty interesting turn around as well.
The soul spark sounds like a cool idea too. I'm guessing the wisps just eat her soul essence and, as she becomes one is just some soulless thing floating for all eternity? Too deep to think about too much at 1am lol.
Good job and I hope you can keep up the pace!
When Killa gets proper control of coding for the site, she can just ask for "infinite" points and never have to worry about them ever again.
I seriously doubt you ever even started the story but either way, I'm sure I'm as shocked by your surrender as everyone else. (And by that I mean not at all.)