WatchNon-threaded

Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Message

Toss around ideas and brainstorm your story.

Khajiit has questions?

7 days ago
This is the thread for @poisonmara to ask questions or crowdsource grammatical help with her cannibal cat person game. She's already written a considerable amount, probably more than anyone else has, it just needs to undergo an intense de-Engrishification. (and possibly be cleansed of her thotness.) Note to Mara: Some of the things in this post are not words. Can you spot them? e: before someone points out I forgot the underscore in here name, yes I noticed. But she's already seen this.

Khajiit has questions?

7 days ago
mizal isn't a word

Khajiit has questions?

7 days ago
It's more of a word than "Mizal"

Khajiit has questions?

7 days ago
That can certainly work in her favor.

Khajiit has questions?

7 days ago
why is named mizal please answer am confusion why is angry about small m pls tell me

Khajiit has questions?

7 days ago
@mizal is this thread going exactly how you expected and planned?

Khajiit has questions?

7 days ago
I know better than to expect and plan things around here.

Khajiit has questions?

7 days ago

@mizal I see Engrishification is not a word. crowdsource I think should be written, Crowd-source.

 

But first thanks for the help and that. Everyone knows I really need it. 

Khajiit has questions?

7 days ago
Random captures from Discord: Mara said, "I love GZ i love when my computer hack everything" Perhaps would be more readable as, "I love GZ; I love when I hack everything with my computer." Mara said, "Ford need a whipping" Slightly more readable: "Ford needs a whipping" Mara said, "I will watching you" Better: "I will be watching you" Mara said, "Where is to activate it?" Better: "Where is the place to activate it?" Mara said, "And my first ending was turning mad with the computer as only friend" Better: "The first ending I found was the one where the computer was my only friend and I was going mad." Mara said, "Short must be his mother" Better: "His mother must be short" I hope this helps a little!

Khajiit has questions?

7 days ago
Random question How any of you say in English. Something about a Lion Captain that looks like shit and his hand shivering like with Parkinson and look full-on hardcore sex glands powder. I don't find a way to be explicitly and polite same time....
I...I don't know how to fix this one. But it's incredible in its uniqueness, a true work of modern art.

Khajiit has questions?

7 days ago
I can't even get past "Lion Captain." It is this:

Khajiit has questions?

7 days ago
"Also, Cys has a positive impact on my grammar than 10 years on Cog" Better: "Also, CYS has had more of a positive impact on my grammar than 10 years on COG"

Khajiit has questions?

7 days ago
Mara said, "Sprout as leader and have never win shit except the dead guy" Better: ... uh... um... Do you win the dead guy? Is the dead guy winning? Yeah, I got nothing on this one.

Khajiit has questions?

7 days ago
Try this one:

I have read Harry Potter Huffs are the woorking hard with the monk fat priest ghost


.....I think it's already clear the kind of archive this thread is going to morph into.

Khajiit has questions?

7 days ago
Hmmm... I have read the Harry Potter books. The members of the Hufflepuff House work very hard with... the ghost of the fat priest and the monk?

Khajiit has questions?

6 days ago

Was it the Fat Friar?  It's been a long time since I read them.

Khajiit has questions?

7 days ago

I will try to get better so all of you can't be able to use it as a mockery against me.   

Khajiit has questions?

6 days ago
I hope you can take this all in the spirit it is intended, and that is all in fun. At the same time, there are blocks there that I truly hope will help you understand written English a bit more!

Khajiit has questions?

6 days ago

The problem with this alleged fun. Is unidirectional. I don't learn anything from it as to why the phrases are wrong is never explained.  And Only it happens Is I get afraid to post anything.  I can understand why for people could find it funny.  

 

 

Khajiit has questions?

6 days ago
I did attempt to post a completely un-fun post up there with details. That's the post where it has "Mara said" and "Better:" Those are real attempts to help show you better ways to say what you've said.

I am sorry if you don't like the other posts. In those cases, we have tried, but we honestly don't know what you've said or were trying to say. For example, in the one where you said "Sprout as leader and have never win shit except the dead guy." In that phrase, I really don't know what you were trying to say. I honestly have no idea because as I read the English (and English is my only language), I cannot determine a way to put those words together in a way that makes sense. I don't mean this to be funny, but the way the words translate, it can be. Using Google, if I translate some of that back to Spanish, it would be like me saying "Bean como líder." I imagine if I just said that, you'd think I was nuts and really wouldn't know what I meant!

So please, if you see us post something that we don't understand, that really means you've just put some words together that look funny, not that you've done anything wrong. And we don't mean to insult you! I will continue, if you don't mind, to post more accurate translations of what I've seen you write that could hopefully help you. For example, from your post just above this:

Mara said, "The problem with this alleged fun. Is unidirectional."
A better way: "The problem with this alleged fun is that it is unidirectional."

That's more clear in the English, even if those additional words I slipped in there don't seem to make sense to you or seem to be needed in Spanish. That's just the way we talk.

Mara said, "I don't learn anything from it as to why the phrases are wrong is never explained."
Better: "I don't learn anything from the examples because no one explains why the phrases I have typed are wrong."

I have to say that I'm not an expert on exactly WHY English is the way it is. But I'm pretty good at knowing HOW it should be. So while I can show you a better way to say what you've said, I honestly can't always explain in terms of subject and verbs and tense agreement, etc., exactly why they should be that way. I know sometimes people learn by seeing and doing, so I'm hoping that seeing things the more correct way will be able to help you if you see it enough times.

Mara said, "And Only it happens Is I get afraid to post anything."
Better: "The only thing that happens is that I get afraid to post anything at all."

I know order of words is significant and I know that English tends to put words in a different order than many other languages. So I can show you this example and hopefully you can deduce by seeing the correct order of words why your words didn't make as much sense.

Honestly, I was hoping that doing this can help you see more correct ways to write in English!

Khajiit has questions?

6 days ago

Thanks for your help and sorry if you felt attacked.   I appreciate that you are trying to help me out. But I am starting to think that I will never learn.

Khajiit has questions?

6 days ago

For example, This is a fragment of my former contest entry, I would like to know what is wrong. Probably more accurately. If there is something wright

 

Your hands are still trembling inside the suit, but you are determined to make your own life and those who died from your team count. They won't win


"Ahhhhhhhh, slimy piece of shit I will end you!!" You cry loudly without You even thinking about it, as your adrenaline rush has taken over your feverish mind. 

 You furiously charge towards his mecha breaking one of the emergency sealing security doors launching the both of you to the coldness embrace of the utter s.pace

You live for this for the thrilling of the battle, using your skills. 

The Octopus is as tired as you are. He barely is being able to use their chameleon skin to camouflage himself with the environment. The Octopus mech suits are lighter and are used mostly for sabotage and stealth missions. Meanwhile, The feline culture uses sturdier yet lightweight versions trying to maintain decent agility but focused on the close and medium range.

Khajiit has questions?

6 days ago
Ok, second sentence should be "right" not "wright." (Maybe that's a typo, I don't know for sure). Reading through the text of the entry, it doesn't look like there is anything that is technically wrong. In other words, with the except of a few points of punctuation, that's all technically correct and follows all the rules of grammar. The problem is that it reads as quite formal -- as if you just followed the grammar rules without regard for how it sounds (which you probably did!) You are determined. Your hands are trembling inside your suit, but you're not going to let it win. Those who died from your team won't have died in vain, this thing will pay. You charge towards his mecha screaming, "Ahh, I will end you!" You feel the adrenaline flow through you as you break off one of the emergency doors. The two of you are launched into the coldness of outer space. Can you see the little differences and the order of words I've moved around? A couple other parts of this exerpt might be more related to the situation. At one point you are screaming and adrenaline flows through your body, but a moment later you're tired. If you just had a massive bit of adrenaline, you shouldn't be tired, you should be ready to fight! For me, it's not clear who is in a suit. If there an octopus in a suit? Or is a person in a suit that's called an octopus suit? When you mention feline, but it's a creature in an octopus suit, I'm confused. Is it a feline creature in a suit that's called an octopus suit? Another word choice: you said, "He barely is being able to use their chameleon skin to camouflage himself with the environment." You have "he" at the start, then "their," but then "himself." If the object is indeed "he," then the "their" doesn't make sense at that place in the sentence. That would be better as "his." Also, "is being able" is a very awkward way to phrase something. That might be technically accurate, but no one actually says that. A more useful way to say that would be "is barely able."

Khajiit has questions?

6 days ago

Hey... I did it grammatical decent,  for me That's s a victory. One step at time. 

Khajiit has questions?

5 days ago

So,  I have decided to post the intro so far from my own contest entry. I suppose it has lots of Grammatical problems, however, I am not capable of finding them by myself. So If anyone is kind enough to point out my multiple errors, I will be really happy.

 

Here it comes

 

STORY

Battle...

Blood is being splattered in all of the directions filling the closing and recycled atmosphere of the space with a sweet iron aroma. This smell is making you so hungry. 

That's the state of Humanity right now. After destroying all the other living creatures in the Galaxy. We are all cannibals ravaging in an eternal battle. Human eating Human.

In the frenzy of this chaotic defense. You gaze at your nearby enemies. Two Krakens dressing with stealthy mechas, Two phantom units, and they are capable of using their mechanical tentacles built on their suits to strangle unprotected cats until they are nothing more than a juicy pulp of flesh and viscera.

The attack from the Octopus tribe was inconceivable. Few of your team of mech still remaining covering the fuking junction that separates the civilians from your enemies.

Then as if they come from a nightmare two new Octopus warriors joining the fight. There is no way your remaining forces survive that on their own.

You are out of breath. Your mechanized boots almost glide through the gore and the floor of the space station, Each step becomes an agony for your tired body and mind. 

You were too late. As they open up their helmet and the strange organ Krakens have in their chin release a furious blasting of acid nanoparticle eggs, (an adaptation of what real biological Octopus could do back when animals still existing laying until 50,000 eggs at one go), are flying around like bullets, burning the skin of anyone who has no mecha suit as yours. The flesh and guts remind you of the slaughterhouse near your home.

No single of your men and women survived. Only you, isolated and alone in a fucking doomed corridor.

"Damn, I am really hungry. I haven't eaten in like five days"  Weak. You feel terribly weak, feverish. Each movement even with the mecha suit extra agility is slow and difficult as if you were on a high gravity planet. But, you have kept going your team is the last defense of the kids and civilians of this space station. 

You look around but you but nobody is left. A single Cougar person over a pile of octopus and other felines.

But you don't remain alone for long,
Soon another enemy octopus gets closer to your chokepoint.


Your hands are still trembling inside the suit, but you are determined to make your own life and those who disappeared from your team count. They won't win


"Ahhhhhhhh, slimy piece of shit I will end you!!" You cry loudly without You even thinking about it, as your adrenaline rush has taken over your feverish and are used mostly for sabotage and stealth missions. Meanwhile, The feline culture uses sturdier yet lightweight versions trying to maintain decent agility but focused on the close and medium-range 

CHOICES

*I will use the fact my mecha is sturdier and better in close combat to get close and personal

*Use a Tactical grenade to send him to Oblivion 

*This seems to be the last enemy unit...I will suicide myself to be able to keep civilians safe

Khajiit has questions?

5 days ago

Alright I'm just gonna go though it all in order pointing out minor and major errors to help you make this sound more natural. 

Firstly "all of the directions"  can be shortened to "all directions" it sounds more native that way.  Next, these two sentences:

"After destroying all the other living creatures in the Galaxy. We are all cannibals ravaging in an eternal battle." The second one is fine, but the first one is a sentence fragment, so just combine the two to make it flow, like this: "After destroying all the other living creatures in the galaxy, we are all cannibals ravaging in an eternal battle."  You have the same type of error a little bit later in the form of: "In the frenzy of this chaotic defense. You gaze at your nearby enemies."  One sentence fragment followed by a compete sentence, just combine the two.

"Two Krakens dressing with stealthy mechas, Two phantom units, and they are capable of using their mechanical tentacles built on their suits to strangle unprotected cats until they are nothing more than a juicy pulp of flesh and viscera."  This is actually a pretty badass sentence, but what would help it even more is uncapitalizing the second "Two" and adding "There are" to insert them into the scene you're trying to create properly.

"Few of your team of mech still remaining covering the fuking junction that separates the civilians from your enemies."  You have a couple options here, you can change "remaining" to remain or "covering" to cover, to make it sound more natural, but not both.  Also, "fucking" isn't very natural in this sentence.

"Then as if they come from a nightmare two new Octopus warriors joining the fight."  All you gotta do is change "joining" to "join".  Additionally, if you wanted, a comma in front of then would look even better.

 "(an adaptation of what real biological Octopus could do back when animals still existing laying until 50,000 eggs at one go)"  It's past tense, so change "laying" to "laid".  Remove "until" and change "at" to "in" for a more natural flow.

"No single of your men and women survived."  You can go with "None of your men and women survived." or "Not a single one of your men and women survived."  

"You cry loudly without You even thinking about it, as your adrenaline rush has taken over your feverish and are used mostly for sabotage and stealth missions. Meanwhile, The feline culture uses sturdier yet lightweight versions trying to maintain decent agility but focused on the close and medium-range."   So, firstly you can get rid of the second you in "You cry loudly without you even thinking about it", because it's redundant.  The rest of it might be due for a little shuffling around or a rewrite cause I'm having a bit of difficulty understanding what you're trying to get across. 

Hope this helps poison_mara.

Khajiit has questions?

5 days ago

It helps a lot thanks. I have real problems to connect phrases. This is being very useful thanks

Khajiit has questions?

4 days ago

Well, I tried to write a scene I will like to see If I am progressing.

 

STORY

 

"I can't let them in. I can't let them slaughter the civilians. And there is only a way to ensure that The Octopus falls and is taking him with me"

Your mind races as your memories flashes. There is not the time for doubts of for mourning about what you have to do. There is a mission to fulfil and hell if you will do it.

But how Can you do it? you avoid the long-distance attacks from the Cephalopod using your extra mobility due to your improved thrusters. However, your body is tired of the non-stop combat and the energy of your mecha suit is almost depleted. This nightmare battle should end now.

You utilize your mecha scanning system desperately trying to figure out a plan. Although, you will love being able to use one of your swarming nanites grenades. The enemy robotic suit is heavily protected by an energy shield, which turns your grenades powerless.

At this point, you are desperate. Until Eureka! In one of the Cats'engineers corpses, there is something you can use, one detonator really strange as you don't remember anything in the Tactical meetings about using detonators in a Space Station...

Normally, that idea would be suicidal, as a detonation could easily tearing down the entire station.

But desperate times...

You barely can keep evading and giving the octopus problems as your Pantera is designed for close combat and your blaster gun can tear the shields, and you are no longer confident that you can win in your state in melee close combat.

"Fuck it, I will do it!"
You say grabbing the detonator heavily with your gauntlets. While running towards your enemy like you were a Kamikaze.

Until, you press the button convinced that there was the only way, The heroic way.

BOOM

"Welcome to KITTEN GLITTER NEWS"

Today We will talk about the Scandal after Lieutenant Silverman, a young Cougar official Defected to Octopus side and blow up The Entire Civil Station In the Beta Kappa system. The approx dead account is 5,000 civilians and researchers.

Previous missions of the terrorist are now being investigated. In one of the most important military scandals in decades"

End Of Story

Khajiit has questions?

4 days ago

Looks pretty good to me. A couple of mistakes here and there, but mostly just grammar errors and easily fixed:

 

"I can't let them in. I can't let them slaughter the civilians. And there is only one way to ensure that The Octopus falls. It's down to me!"

Your mind races as your memories flash before you. There is no time for doubts or to mourn what you must do. There is a mission to fulfil, and by hell, you're going to do it.

But how can you do it? You avoid the long-distance attacks from the Cephalopod, using the extra mobility from your improved thrusters. However, your body is tired of the non-stop combat and the energy of your mecha suit is almost depleted. This nightmare battle should end now.

You utilize your mecha scanning system, desperately trying to figure out a plan. Although you would love to be able to use one of your swarming nanites grenades, the enemy robotic suit is heavily protected by an energy shield, which renders your grenades powerless.

At this point, you are desperate... Until, Eureka! In one of the Cat's engineers corpses, there is something you can use. One detonator. Strange to find it here, as you don't remember anything in the tactical meetings about using detonators in a Space Station...

Normally, that idea would be suicidal, as a detonation could easily tear down the entire station.

But desperate times...

You can barely keep evading The Octopus, as your Pantera is designed for close combat and your blaster gun can tear the shields. In the state you're in right now, you are no longer confident that you can win.

"Fuck it, I'll do it!" you say, firmly grabbing the detonator with your gauntlets. Running towards your enemy like you were a Kamikaze.

Finally, you press the button, convinced that this was the only way. The heroic way.

BOOM

...

"Welcome to KITTEN GLITTER NEWS! 

Today, we will talk about the Scandal after Lieutenant Silverman. A young Cougar official defected to The Octopus's side, and blew up the entire Civil Station in the Beta Kappa system. The approximate death count is 5,000 civilians and researchers.

Previous missions of the terrorist are now being investigated, in one of the most important military scandals in decades"

Khajiit has questions?

4 days ago
There's a few grammar issues, and some things I'd change just for smoother and more natural sounding wording, but it's really not bad all and I had no trouble following what was going on. You've now reached the point where you write in English more clearly than a lot of the teens we get who claim to be native speakers, and I know you'll just keep improving.

Khajiit has questions?

4 days ago

Oh, Thanks ... But It is due to all of you helping me out. I would have never improved so fast in Cog for sure. 

Khajiit has questions?

3 days ago

Today paragraphs are trickier for me, This is a scene I made previously and I tried to fix by myself. And I am not really sure, If I know how  to  do it by myself, so I ask f is this correct

STORY

"You are an interesting case, truly remarkable. Coming from a cougar lineage, solely focused on the creation of as many spies as possible, To point be considered a social imperative of your clan. You decided to choose a scientific route, even if focused on martial science, Believe me when I say that decision required a very strong will and self-esteem.

"It was tough, yes" you whisper more for yourself that to Tea. Your memories since a small cub were all about your parents trying to make of you the perfect warrior.  Hours upon hours they were training you further and furthermore to be the perfect Cougar genetic enhanced human.
Nobody cared about my feelings about the matter. You still struggling to cope with how they left you alone in the 3,000 years old derelict bunker 100 km away from home when you were only ten years old. And to your own devices finding away out.

"It was a tough childhood, yes. But, Then I found the amazing world of The fallen empire relics,  and their robots"'
You stop talking about your family drama issues with your father disdain for your anti cougar like the decision of "being a lab rat"

"The military scientific program It was my only way to get what I want to accomplish."

'I am not judging your decision. Far from it, Lieutenant. However,  choices are what shapes everyone and everything Destiny" There is a fatalism in their tone and deep sadness, as they were their last words.


They pick a strange metallic insignia from their luxurious pouch, a blue faintly neon light flickering softly from it. Soon, the noble place it on your chest and all-around both of you suddenly get paralysed and dark, like all light is being drained from the universe.

"We haven't much time. This device creates a bubble wrap around our dimension making absolutely impossible being mon

"Someone had been sabotaging The Mufasa the last year and giving important intel to the enemies. In fact, The station defence 5 attack arose because someone from this ship has been sending strategy data from the station and your team's weaponry and composition. The fact that you were able to get from it alive and well was certainly not in their plans."

"Most of the leaks, originated when you weren't on board and the level of the access needed...Means only Captain Salazar Skar could be the mole"

"Holly feline" "Fucking bastard!!" You say without even thinking about your reality is being torn down.

"Temper your fury. The Feline tribe dire needs you to succeed in your next mission. We also suspect than one of your own new team members is another traitorous octopus spy. But it was so sudden to discerning who is the enemy". 

Tea moves graciously even with their cripple leg and puts their front paw over your shoulder. In a clear gesture of empathy. " You can do this. We the Congress trust in you Lieutenant.  And If you are successful. A brave new world will open for a young cougar like you. Now is time to burst this temporary bubble. The insignia will allow me to communicate with you during your mission." 

The room and time return to normality, as nothing out of the box has happened the chat turns friendly and created an image of normalcy.

Soon the Captain makes the call to start the briefing. Tea solemnly adds "Choices are what shapes everyone and everything. The Destiny" There is a fatalism in their tone and deep sadness, as those were their last words.