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Based on the Camelon posting of his game I thought about posting mine to maybe attract someone to help me with the grammar or just testing the game or just a little feedback I am at 44,000 words on IS even if the fact of not having variables made some copy-paste involved in certain points. Anyway, here is the first page any suggestion will be appreciated.

Battle...

Blood is being splattered in all directions filling the closing and recycled atmosphere of the space with a sweet iron aroma. This smell is making you so hungry.

That's the state of Humanity right now. After destroying all the other living creatures in the Galaxy we are all cannibals ravaging in an eternal battle. Human eating Human.

In the frenzy of this chaotic defence. You gaze at your nearby enemies, there are Krakens dressing with stealthy mechas, both of them are phantom units capable of using their mechanical tentacles built on their suits to strangle unprotected cats until they are nothing more than a juicy pulp of flesh and viscera.

The attack from the Octopus tribe was inconceivable. Few of your team of mech still remain covering the damn junction that separates the civilians from your enemies.

Then, as if they come from a nightmare, two new Octopus warriors join the fight. There is no way your remaining forces survive that on their own.

You are out of breath. Your mechanized boots almost glide through the gore and the floor of the space station, Each step becomes an agony for your tired body and mind.

You were too late. As they open up their helmet and the strange organ Krakens have in their chin release a furious blasting of acid nanoparticle eggs, (an adaptation of what real biological Octopus could do back when animals still existing, they laid 50,000 eggs in one go), are flying around like bullets, burning the skin of anyone who has no mecha suit as yours. The flesh and guts remind you of the slaughterhouse near your home...

Not a single one of your men and women survived. Only you, isolated and alone in a fucking doomed corridor.

"Damn, I am really starving. I haven't eaten in like five days" Weak. You feel terribly weak, feverish. Each movement even with the mecha suit extra agility is slow and difficult as if you were on a high gravity planet. But, you have kept going your team is the last defence of the kids and civilians of this space station.

You look around but you but nobody is left. A single Cougar person over a pile of octopus and other felines.

But you don't remain alone for long,
Soon another enemy octopus gets closer to your choke point.


Your hands are still trembling inside the suit, but you are determined to make your own life and those who disappeared from your team count. They won't win.


"Ahhhhhhhh, slimy piece of shit I will end you!!" You cry loudly without even thinking about it, as your adrenaline rush has taken over your feverish mind.

You compare your rival mecha suits with your own. Both are made from exotic alloys and nanoparticles. But each Tribe has modified on the last thousands of years the relics from the old empire. Your rival uses one of the most typical Kraken's design, That is used mostly for sabotage and stealth missions. Meanwhile, The feline culture uses sturdier yet lightweight versions trying to maintain decent agility but focused on the close and medium range.

Your suit is a personalized version of The Pantera which is a well-balanced model, you have given to it a reinforced engine and a nasty surprise in proximity with the inclusion of tactical mini-nukes and grenades. You can charge towards a rival thrown out your nuke or grenade and use your improved propulsion system to get the hell out of there before .

Great imagery and action. The tenses change a few times from present to past or past to present, so it is a little confusing as to what is happening now vs. what happened previously.

"Blood is being splattered" can just be "blood splatters." It isn't wrong the other way, but it comes off as more immediate/action intense when you can avoid any 'is being' verbiage. It would be good to add a comma after "directions," as well.

Great sensory descriptor on the aroma of the blood.

Swap "that's" for "This is" the state of humanity. This line of exposition kind of slows the action down, though.

"In the frenzy of this chaotic defence. You gaze at your nearby enemies, there are Krakens dressing with stealthy mechas, both of them are phantom units capable of using their mechanical tentacles built on their suits to strangle unprotected cats until they are nothing more than a juicy pulp of flesh and viscera."

Try, "In the midst of the battle frenzy, you gaze at your nearby enemies. There are two Krakens inside stealthy mechas, phantom units capable of using mechanical tentacles to strangle unprotected cats into a juicy pulp of flesh and viscera."

"damn junction" should probably be "dam junction" if you are intending the sense of a barrier and not the swear word.

"forces survive" -> "forces can survive"

"space station, Each step becomes an agony" -> "space station. Each step is agony"

"were too late" -> "are too late." [Unless this is a flashback. If a flashback, try to introduce it in a way that clues the reader that it is a memory.]

"their helmet and the strange organ Krakens have in their chin release a furious blasting of acid nanoparticle eggs, (an adaptation of what real biological Octopus could do back when animals still existing, they laid 50,000 eggs in one go), are flying around like bullets, burning the skin of anyone who has no mecha suit as yours."

Perhaps try, "...their helmets, the strange organ Krakens have in their chins release a furious blast of acid nanoparticle eggs. They fly around like bullets, burning the skin of all those not wearing mecha suits." [The bit about the Octopus is interesting, but it slows the action down.]

"survived. Only you," -> "survives. Only you do," [again, if this is happening now. If a flashback, then it can be in past tense.]

"days" -> "days." 

"Each movement even with the mecha suit extra agility is slow and difficult as..." -> "Even with the mecha suit, movement is slow and difficult, as ..."

"going your team" -> "going. Your team"

"look around but you but nobody..." -> "look around you, but nobody..."

"A single Cougar person over a pile of octopus..." -> "Only you remain. One Cougar person standing over a pile of Octopi." [If Cougar is capitalized in this universe, Octopus/Octopi probably would be as well.]

"long," -> "long."

"Soon another enemy octopus gets closer" -> "Another enemy Octopus gets closer."

"modified on the" -> "modified over the" 

"Kraken's design, That is" -> "Kraken's design that is" 

"Meanwhile, The feline culture uses sturdier yet lightweight versions trying to maintain decent agility but focused on the close and medium range." Could be something like, "In contrast, the feline culture uses sturdier, yet lightweight, versions that maintain agility while optimizing medium and close range combat." [Meanwhile is generally used for things happening at the same time.]

" Pantera which is a well-balanced model, you have given to it" -> "Pantera, which is a well-balanced model. You have given it"

"rival thrown out your nuke or grenade and use"  -> "rival, throw out a nuke or grenade, and use"


Sorry I can't help more. I don't have a lot of extra time to proofread.


 

You don't have to be sorry for it, you have done me a favour, thanks for your help