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The scourge project

7 days ago

Hey people from the other side of the internet. Here is the first chapter of the new story im working on and I wanna hear your opinions and see if I made some grammar mistakes. I am happy about every feedback I get.

Your alarm clock sounds out with the same annoying noise as every day. You groan sleepily and reach out with your hand to turn the sound of for the third time this morning and sigh. You push yourself to a sit and stretch your arms before slowly standing up. Half asleep you walk out of your small room towards the bathroom. You turn on the water as cold as possible and wash your face three times with it to get awake. turning of the cold water you raise your gaze to look at your face in the mirror. Your skin of  fair complexion having a slightly sickly hue to it and your dull light brown eyes seeming a little lifeless. Your rugged, tough features could have been calledhandsome if it weren't for the tangled mess of blond hair on your head. You lower your gaze and sigh again before stretching another time and starting to brush your teeth. As you walk back to your room to get dressed you notice the door of your mothers room is slightly open. Careful to tread silently you walk over to take a peek in. Your mother is laying in bed fully dressed and as always a few empty beer cans lie on the ground. you silently walk up to her bed pulling the bedsheets higher to cover her. Afterwards you collect the cans and leave the room. As you reach the door you hear your mum mumble half asleep and obviously quite drunk, "Stay safe honey." "I will try," you reply to her. You add another, "I will try." This time you whisper so only you can hear and only after the door is closed. You dump the cans into the bin in the kitchen.  You then head to your room and open the closet. You quickly grab ablack shirt and blue jeans alongside your biker jacket and get dressed.

The idea is about a teenager getting into a military program to aford a better life for his mother.

The scourge project

7 days ago

I'd say the idea can work, but I think most can, so that isn't saying much. Main thing is to keep writing, or at least that tends to be a barrier for a good deal of people.

Is this a storygame or just a normal story? Either way, this seems a bit short for a chapter, but hey, short chapters aren't illegal.

Some improvements that shouldn't be too hard to implement would just be stuff like remembering to separate words, i.e. calledhandsome, ablack.

Proofreading is a great tool that shouldn't be undervalued. If you are writing a linear story then drafting is also worth considering (do note you can draft for branching stories too, I just think it is more time consuming).

Also, personally, I think you should add some paragraphs, but I guess it isn't that long and that it can be a style thing...

However, when a different character speaks, it has to be a new line.

"Stay safe honey."
"I will try," you reply to her.

There was also one spot where you forgot to capitalise the first letter of a new sentence: ... beer cans lie on the ground. you silently walk up ...

Also, to show possession, use an apostrophe: i.e. mother's room instead of mothers room.

Do note that with 'its' you only use the apostrophe to show a contraction (it's = it is). So for possession you don't use an apostrophe: "its claws were long".

There is a lot things surrounding apostrophes, so here is a site that lists a bunch of situations (worth consulting if you are unsure): Grammar Book

Other than that, having the protagonist look into a mirror to give readers a description is pretty cliche, but it is hardly the end of the world.

Fix these things up and keep writing! Feel free to come back with the second chapter, and we may look into some other elements surrounding writing, but really, you want to find what works for you, and I think the 'just write' is a good spot to start.

The scourge project

7 days ago

It is supposed to be a storygame here on the website. I guess I was a bit stupid to call it chapter ^^. It is basically just the first page not the first chapter.

I am glad for you pointing out the grammar mistakes though and I am also thankful for you sending me the link to that grammar website with the apostrophes.

One point though. The character itself is customizable the whole thing with looking in the mirror is just a way for me to describe that your not playing some beauty queen and rather a person being a more run down.

The scourge project

7 days ago
My comments mostly mirror Zake’s.

The excerpt has some grammar errors. If it’s a first draft, that’s fine. But the final product will need some good proofing. I noticed a fair number of comma issues, so you may want to review comma rules in particular. The other big one was using “of” when you meant “off” - I think you did that a few times.

Breaking the big paragraph up would make it easier to read.

Best of luck.

The scourge project

7 days ago

The scourge project?

Ill be some idiot already took the name Scourge for their story...

The scourge project

7 days ago
It's ok. I'm capable of keeping the two straight.