A Hero is Born..

We will first go through the good parts of the story. The prose was all right, the paragraphs were not too long or too short. I did appreciate that the story was quite readable. There was some interesting worldbuilding in here with the odd punishment you will get when you harm one of the members of the black hand.

Now to the parts that obviously need some improvements.
I spotted some spelling mistakes; obviously how you had written "prolouge" in the beginning. The mistakes weren't as glaring that I was visibly annoyed by it. Next time you could maybe ask another person to proofread it after you had done so.

One thing that I really dislike is the whole "infodumping your audience about your world from the very first page" part. I know that a lot of stories do that to shortcut integrating these worldbuilding parts in the actual narrative, so I wouldn't say it is particularly bad to do so. However, revealing the world and giving small pieces of detail one at a time can really bring a story like this to another level.

On particular parts of the story, this tendency to drop tons of worldbuilding and character backstories at once was really glaring during the childhood part and Sparrow's whole backstory. I know, telling the players what the whole deal is about your characters is easy and quick, but the reason why a lot of people get attached to characters are the small little moments.

For your story the small little moments could be: small moments of Raven's childhood, helping her father and mother with chores around the house, practicing how to fight with the bronzen dagger. With these little moments, it is easier to cement their personality. The same could be applied for sparrow. You could make her not trust you easily, so you need to convince her why she definitely should. Based on how you act towards her, she will reveal different parts of herself. In that way, there will be no need to infodump the information to us.

Now to the characters:

Pollux
He was obviously supposed to be the main antagonist in the story. I like the fact that he was a little bit of an asshole. One thing that threw me off was the fact that you included a sudden POV switch in the story. POV switches are not necessarily bad, but this one wasn't really necessary. It basically tells the reader why Pollux hates Raven so much, but the reader can kind off assume the reason why based of their previous encounter. So you could delete that part and the reader would know just as much about his motivations.

Sparrow
I know that this is the first installment, so I will try to be charitable on this character. To be honest, she felt a little bit flat. There was not really a chemistry between the main character and her, I couldn't really tell what their relation is to one another, if they still are strangers or if they are allready friends. There was also not a lot of meaningful interaction between the two.

Okay, now about the rape as backstory part: you know, I have seen and read very graphic works before, so I'm not shy with the depiction of such things. However, every time you want to add things like violence and this time rape and gore in a story, you need to ask yourself: does this serve any purpose at all? Do I want to use this for shock, to make the reader pity the character, to gather sympathy, to set the tone of the story? When I read this, I don't feel like that the rape part serves any purpose at all. You could easily replace it with "she was beaten up by black hand members and defended herself" and the story and character wouldn't change a bit.

If you still want to include the rape part: make her have lasting trauma or have it impact the story in some kind of way.

Now the game mechanics:

Making meaningful choices.
When I start playing the game, I saw this problem popping up two times. One, where you need to choose between a right or left path and the other one, where you need to choose between, north etc.
It was not possible to make an informed choice what the good path is, so the death or ending sequences felt a bit cheap.
One way to solve it is to make the descriptions about the different paths a bit more elaborate and you could also feed the player some hints throughout the story. That way you could make chosing the right option way more satisfying.

The branching
There was zero to no meaningful branching. I do not really mind it since you were obviously planning for a sequel, but it would really spice the story up if you included more elaborate endings.

Conclusion

And then finally, a lot of these problems I listed above can be solved by making the descriptions and the plot move just a little bit slower, give the characters a little more time to breathe, make the journey a bit longer.

One main tip I want to give you is: when writing a story, you need to constantly ask yourself: "Does this part/element/paragraph serve any purpose and does it add to the themes or narrative?"

I did sense that you obviously put some effort into it and so, I'll sincerely hope that your next work will be better! Good luck with the future parts!

You have creativity but do not express it very well in this story. It literally took me 5 minutes to get to the end. The character development was atrocious. I knew next to nothing about Sparrow and Raven and where they came from. I didn't know what they look like, I didn't know their personalities, I didn't know where they were headed. Also there's no fluidity. There are so many plot holes you'd think I was looking at a piece of Swiss cheese. First off, where in the hell did a farm boy learn to fight well enough to take on five boys, who more than likely had some formal training, single-handedly. Second, where is Thull Forest from his home? What lands did he have to travel through? Was he being chased? How long did it take him to get there? Third, how did the black hand find location? Who told them? What gave him away? Also, if he assaulted five black hand and that is such a heinous crime to cause him to leave home, why was his bounty only 50 gold? Finally, where for fucks sake did the Griffin come from??? Where did they meet? How did they become friends? And if they were seen running off towards the Griffin why were they not followed? If the black hand could scry in on them, why did he not follow them? I'm starving here man, and this story barely has enough meat in it for a single mouthful. And before you start this is just an intro two the sequel game, that does not excuse your laziness. If you're going to write the entro as its on game it needs to be able to stand alone. Sadly this does not. Hell it took me longer to write this comment than it did to read your story.

I like how in one of the endings you manage to live a long, happy life (albeit with unfulfilled potential) despite not having saved the day. Most storygames on this site would write that ending with the evil guys destroying the world. It brings a sense of realism into your world - just because you're living under an oppressive rule doesn't mean you can't live a fulfilling life.

It appears you've fixed up the grammar problems you were apparently having. I never saw the story in its original form but the story now looks expertly written. I'm very impressed with this. Try to keep this level of quality for your future storygames.

There were still a few typos (eg. "stoo" instead of "stoop"), and one or two of your sentences were a little confusing (I have no clue what you meant by "as always, north leads to safety").

You leave the reader uninformed when making some choices throughout the storygame. Sometimes this works well, but in other situations - like when you have to choose to go left or right - you could offer a description of what each path looks like, or give some background knowledge on where each path *might* be headed.

Also, having the entire fate of someone's life determined by whether they go right or left down a path is a little silly, especially if he's going to end up in the same area (Thul and the surrounding forest) regardless of which path he picks. Maybe you could have added additional pages detailing your first encounters with the blacksmith/blacksmith's daughter and with the griffon, and have the player make a choice from that?

Either way, this is far too short and incomplete to earn a decent rating from me but you're a competent writer and I like your writing style. Keep it up!

It's not the best. While there are little spelling mistakes, it is frustratingly hard, and it ends very abruptly. I give it a 3/10.

its a guess on whitch is right

better then playing minecraft for 6mins

Yes, I see potential in the story, but you wrote it sloppily. There are not many details, I don't feel anything for the protagonist, and everything felt sort of rushed. All the choices were 50/50 and that is not good. You either die, or move on and you are given no hints about which one is the choice that will end your game. All of the choices are just luck. I rated this a two only because I see that the story itself has potential, you just need to wright it correctly.

The average rating on this is way too high for my liking. The description was one of the worst written ones on the site, and the bad punctuation continued throughout the story.

The story itself was short and linear and contained a random left/right choice and a random north/west/south choice. The plot was okay, but not enough to make me that interested in a sequel.

2/8.

I really liked this game! The setting is very creative, and I can't wait to read episode 2! There were a few inconsistencies, but it's not nearly as bad as everyone's saying they are. I don't think choosing the wrong path or direction is worthy of an end game screen, but the great writing makes up for it.

This game defies all of the common rules for writing a storygame. Horrible branching, horrible word count, the author telling people not to be mean to him.

And yet, despite that, I'm giving this game a 4.

In relity it probally only deserves a 3, or perhaps even a 2, but I like the writing. You had interesting characters, an intrsting story even if it wasn't very original, and you had me invested in this short, gauntlet, all wrong choices end in death, bad, story.

Most damming of all is the fact that ALL OF THE CHOICES were bad. None of them relied on knowledge or thinking. They were all random. Espically that three choice direction one.

Anyway it is a shame this didn't get very far, I am aware there is a sequel, and I plan to review that next. Hopefully you used what you learned here for the better.