Clear Sky

Player Rating3.93/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 74 ratings since 03/02/2015
played 500 times (finished 64)

Story Difficulty1/8

"no possible way to lose"

Play Length3/8

"A nice jog down the driveway"

Maturity Level6/8

"I'll need to see some identification"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 16. If this were a movie, it would probably between PG-13 and R.
This is my contest entry for the 2014-15 PA.
Although short, it still has precisely 2500 words excluding the description.
As always, I am looking forward to constructive criticism.
You are a Private Detective. Solve a case of murder in this PA Amurica.

Player Comments

I’m not sure what “PA” means (other than the state). But that doesn’t work for the first line of the description that talks about a contest and a year. So maybe the PA describes the contest, but I can’t really tell. Or maybe it is set in Pennsylvania, I don’t know. Perhaps that could be a little more clear in the introduction and on that page (unless you’re intentionally trying to be cryptic, I guess). I’m hoping “PA” meant you were not supposed to go over 2,500 words, otherwise I don’t know why you’d stop there.

The quick scene change just two paragraphs into the story is a bit jarring. There’s no problem with working with different scenes and working in a backstory. And a detective story is a good place for that. But in order for that to really work, you really should have much more of a setting in the present day before you head back into the past. If there’s nothing else there, you might as well start a few days ago and leave it at that.

The story was a bit difficult to read because of grammar issues. There were extra commas in places and commas missing in other places. There was even an apparently random back quote on the first page. The wording is a bit odd as well: at one moment I’m standing outside, the next moment I’ve already talked to the man. Then I head back outside and haven’t yet decided if I’m taking the case. And there just isn’t enough description of what’s going on – it seems to jump around like the author knew the whole story, but didn’t manage to get enough information out on the page for the reader to completely understand what’s happening.

I did appreciate that there were some choices that appeared to actually affect the story. But yes, it was indeed very short and it appear to me that you tried to cram a longer story into a shortened word count just to get in in there. It’s a good effect, but I think there’s a lot more to the story that should be added to really make it better.
-- Ogre11 on 7/14/2018 8:10:24 PM with a score of 0
Honestly? The best thing about this story was probably the writing. While you did have some grammar mistakes which could have been cleared up with proofreading here and there, it wasn't so bad, apparantly for something written in one day. I'd also like to acknowledge the character creation and noir atmosphere which were quickly set up early in the game. Well done.

With that being said, this game does have its faults. It was very linear, confusing, and not at all post-apocalyptic -- the only reason it could be considered the genre is because you said this work was for the contest and you managed to slap three sentences or so in the first page about how the USA was a shithole. Nothing else suggested this to be post-apocalyptic.

You put in some effort which is good. Next time, if I were you, I'd proofread my work before publishing, and making sure it actually fits the contest I'm writing it for.

4/8.
-- FazzTheMan on 3/3/2015 11:44:58 PM with a score of 0
Idk if I won??? Some parts of the story are confusing due to grammar and syntax issues. :(
-- Quorrah on 1/22/2017 3:34:14 PM with a score of 0
Very short, so not much plot.
-- WizzyCat on 4/23/2015 9:09:49 AM with a score of 0
"A twelve inch dildo""Your mother" To give you some constructive criticism it isn't dark or funny to include something like that. It is just bad writing. Also every ending was something ludicrous like organ harvesting, just come on. I went through every option, dead, dead, partially dead, taken away, betrayal with implied death.There were other weird things too but overall like everyone else said it was linear because you literally could have just had one slide that just said "death/implied death". P.s. you're grammar could use work. :D
-- What? on 3/23/2015 3:44:46 PM with a score of 0
Hmm...there are considerable spelling errors and I don't think it is quite "post-apocalyptic".
-- jamescoker1226 on 3/23/2015 1:18:31 PM with a score of 0
I think dialogues were well written and they were quiet funny and interesting at the same time. Though,, linearity hurts it the most, I guess. It was a decent effort if it was written in just a day but trust me story was bit confusing and I wasn't getting any idea what was actually happening in the story. Overall I appreciate your effort and would like to see a better version of this and sure you have potential...,
-- RobustSporadic on 3/20/2015 1:12:07 AM with a score of 0
Well the setting was cool, the plot was fun and the characters were interesting. Only problem was... I didn't get it. Like, all the way through I had no idea what was going on. What leads were they following? How did they get the leads? How do they know the son is dead? Why the fuck would the dad have his son murdered and then hire people to find him? Just... Hurts my poor little brain. :(
-- Briar_Rose on 3/6/2015 11:06:14 AM with a score of 0
I think this would actually have been very good if you didn't make it post-apocalyptic.
-- Penworth on 3/5/2015 1:05:55 PM with a score of 0
The dialogue added a lot of flavor; you did a decent amount of character-building in a very short space.
It didn't feel "post-apocalyptic" to me at all though, more like you just tacked a mention of "oh yeah it's pa" to the front of a noir detective story.
-- Sethaniel on 3/3/2015 12:16:34 PM with a score of 0
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