, #36 for
played 1,136 times (finished 183)
"wandering through the desert"
"A nice jog down the driveway"
"aren't you a little too old to be trick or treating"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG-13.
It starts out as you losing your keys. Pretty soon you may give a creep a butt-whooping, or you could be stealing cars like in Grand Theft Auto! You might even kill a locksmith with a tank! It's all here! Have fun!
It's not that bad at all, though it is rather random toward some of the ending. It's pretty well known around here that random deaths that give no warning as to what may happen in the near future is annoying and not appreciated.
The grammar is terrible. As I've said in almost every review, proofreading is very important to any written work, and should be taken seriously. It's good to get help from some friends if needed, so that you can have more input and a better story overall. You could always just check out the links on my profile as well, which can help with your storygame immensely.
I think a bit more description is needed, because the story feels bland and isn't very interesting at all. Every story needs a backstory with information that's useful and enhances the experience for the reader. The pages are short and have only a few sentences and sometimes only a few words that's are harmful to the rating that will be received.
on 3/29/2017 6:29:15 PM
The grammar wasn't the worst in the world, but it also wasn't anything to necessarily applaud. The biggest problem was the syntax, most notably the overuse of the simple sentence. Simple sentences should be spread out in a piece of writing and used mostly for emphasis or when delivering a punchline. Using four to five of them in a row makes it feel like reading a children's book for beginner readers.
There were a couple good jokes in here, I'll admit that, but the majority of the humor relied on just being random. Randomness isn't funny, it's just...random. Sure, standing up in a lecture hall and yelling, "potted plant," at the top of your lungs might get you a few laughs, but if you kept jumping up and yelling random things, you would grate nearly everyone's nerves. It's the same when writing stories. Sure, a random event or two can be funny if used correctly, but otherwise it's just annoying.
Overall, grammar was mediocre, there was a massive overuse of simple sentences, and the humor was more annoying than funny. The author has potential, but I'm giving this story a 2/8
on 3/22/2017 6:12:25 PM
This is indeed quite a simple story, but there are certainly some things that can be learned from this story for those looking to write stories here on this site. Yes, this is a simple story, but even a simple story can be expanded and detailed. When people read stories here, they really want to be transported from their current life and into another place and sometimes another time. That’s why people read, in general. So to help them reach that place, rich, detailed descriptions can be included. Something as simple as the first page where you stop for gas could be over 1,000 words of detail. You could add information about the looks of the gas pumps, the dust on the pumps, the spinning of the dials if it is an old pump, or the brand-new digits on the new pump. You could add information about the number of pumps and what other cars might be at the pumps. There could be smells of oil and gas. You could describe the signs in the windows and the current sale on “the coldest beer in town.” Even in very simple instances, there is always more that you can describe and show, and the more detail like that you can include, the more the reader will be transported into the story and out of their boring life.
on 7/30/2018 10:06:50 AM
- Stole a car
- Broke into a store which wasn't locked
- Beat up a guy I'd never seen before
- Drove around in a Ferrari like a boss
- Never found my fucking keys.
on 8/3/2017 8:26:07 AM
on 10/15/2016 9:20:58 PM
There really is no way to win this game without committing a crime. The locksmith ate me for some reason.
on 6/18/2016 11:28:15 PM
The randomness of life is present in this game.
on 5/23/2016 10:51:39 AM
Random and funny.
on 7/18/2015 7:01:42 PM
it was jst too weird for me
-- damon on 11/1/2014 4:50:39 PM
Story is linear and well, I sort of got a meh feeling from it.
on 3/27/2014 7:18:53 PM
Show All Comments
Help & Info
Who Is Online
118 guests and
version 20170008 | ChooseYourStory © 2001 - 2018, Halogen Studios Entertainment |