Player Comments on Without You (1)

Spoilers below.


Characters: 3/8
The main character’s only personality trait was being sad. That’s understandable, considering all that she has been through, but it doesn’t make her an engaging character. It would have been better if there was elaboration about her coping methods or general hobbies.
Bailey was fairly well-written. She was exasperated with the main character, causing her to lash out in extreme overreaction, but the reasons behind her overreaction were understandable and maybe even fair.
Hunter was boring. I didn’t really get much of a sense of personality from him.

Plot: 5/8
The plot makes sense. The main character tries to recover from the trauma of her boyfriend’s death and has options for how to do it. It would have been nice if it was longer, with more detail and branching, along with more endings, but I don’t have much else to say.
I liked the bonus memory, but it would have been better to title the link “bonus memory”, as just putting it in the story feels awkward. It also would have been nice if the reader could have accessed a different bonus memory based on the ending.

Prose/Grammar: 4/8
There was an acceptable amount of detail, and the word choice was nicely varied.
There were some typos, an example being “defiantly” when it should be “definitely”. There was also occasional capitalization where capitalization should not be, one example being the word summer. Seasons are not proper nouns, and therefore should not be capitalized.

In all, 4/8.

I was interested in the story up until Hunter randomly kissed the narrator. It seemed force and unnatural. It could have worked out if you would have made them a bit more awkward about it; if Hunter played it off coolly and said he didn't know what came over him (or something along those lines). And on top of all that, the game ended so soon. I never even got to know this "mystery guy" when I played the second time.

Overall, it was written well and the characters were somewhat interesting---but there needs to be a lot more work put into it! I think I can tell that you rushed through it by the end. You must have started this up for fun and then abandoned the project out of nowhere.

I hope one day you take up another and keep it going, because you have potential, in my opinion!

Well your writing is great and I really enjoyed this story. There are only a couple of things that irked me a bit.
1. The way the the teenagers talk is the same as your writing style, and I've never known a teenager to talk like that. They sound like really upper class, sophisticated, middle aged adults and it just doesn't feel like they're teenagers.
2. The girl just seems a little too tragic for me. I feel sorry for the character because her boyfriend died, but making both her parents dead aswell doesn't make me feel more sorry for her, it just makes the character seem less realistic.
That said, I think it was a really well written story and I'm looking forward to part 2. ^_^

Pretty good, very sad but very lovely at the same time. Any mistakes are few and far between. This story was strangely good at making you feel. I really like this, even though it's rather short.

Would've loved some more backstory. Maybe some details on her parent's or her boyfriend's death. Overall, pretty good.

I think I remember this story I've read it a couple of times and I think I have read another story with a boy named Jacob but I DONT KNOW if this is the same story but just different in a way! :>

This was a sad and beautiful game!

HEY, WHAT'S UP PEOPLE. It's your girl ZombieAuthor here, coming at you with another HOT Love & Dating fic. Play, rate, and comment! And don't forget to check out my profile for Without You (2): Part 2—The Second Part - Beginning -- Prologue... Chapter 1 Preview, which will be coming out in just 3 centuries!

This culture is beyond repair; the Agricultural Revolution was the greatest mistake in the history of mankind.

good but they should get together

I liked it. it was great even for a critic like me. 7/8

The sudden kiss from Hunter felt completely unwarranted. YA fiction commonly sweeps this behavior under the rug. Don't do that. If you're going to include this, make it completely clear that it's unacceptable behavior - not that it's just "too early to move on".

The complete nihilism coming off of the narrator makes the character fall almost completely flat. An entirely tragic character isn't going to take off all that well. I do understand that this is the first in the series, but this protagonist needs a bit more flavor than salted tears.

Maybe include one chapter of prologue from the perspective of Jacob, just before his death. I think showing the sort of lackadaisical nature of Jacob - /especially/ if he wasn't all that into the narrator from the get go. Wouldn't do it right away, though - this would be almost exclusively for some end game closure.

Grammar, and spelling - proofread, have a friend do so as well.

so romantic

Uh.. This story doesn't really have a good plot.. It doesn't really develop that much, and I noticed a couple of spelling errors.

Hunter seems to be pulling a Bill Cosby.

This is a very creative book, you have done well! Though I agree with Killah_B. When Hunter kisses the narrator it's forced, it just doesn't seem right. Other than that it's an awesome story!

Oh god.... :,( Looked at 50 sad Storys and never cried...But on this one I cried

choose your own boredom. every choice leads to the same ending its better and fun when it has more than 1 ending

It was good, but it feels like an opening to an idea. You kiss him, he apologizes, English class, game over. I'd like to see more about what happens.

It was alright. Not bad but also not very good.

I almost cried. It's a very beautiful story, and sorrowful too.

I wish u would make another

This was kind of sad but i liked it!

Please continue! :)

Damn, why are there so many sad love stories on this site? Anyways, great game, hope you make more.

MORE! I loved this game! I liked how the flow of the story was so non-hole-filled! I would recommend this to other romance lovers!

MAKE ANOTHER ONE I LOVE IT!1!!!

Ok, so I was reading this and it said "I remember going to KASSIDY'S funeral" - I thought his name was Jacob... Or am i wrong?

It's good... for us to poop on. Next time you make a love one you should at least put more choices. Okay?!

Briar Rose... -you- may not have talked like that in high-school, but me and my friends did. =P

I must disagree with the previous commenter regarding the dialogue. Teenagers do talk just like regular people unless they're stupid, in which case they grow up to be stupid adults as well. Really my only problem was that it wasn't finished. Even if its a weak ending, you should finish each story line before publishing.

6/8

I feel like you were going for what "Childhood's End" and "Snow" did, but It didn't entrap me like those stories did. While the feelings were there, it was a cross between a romance and a mourning of a lost love, which didn't work well for me. Hunter seemed more of a disgusting character then a love interest to me, which makes his character seem unbelievable. (Someone who fell in love with a girl who has suffered a loss would randomly kiss her) but the MC seemed to be believable. 5/8

I like the story, not many choices though...

Not bad, but a few spelling mistakes

Seth say YES! :)

Very nice story! While you don't explain directly to the readers, one can get an idea of what happened. While you do have maybe a mistake or two grammar-wise, it almost cancels itself out with decent (or good, pick whatever you like) vocabulary. Still, instead of dividing it into parts, why don't you make this a demo, and release the full story later?