Player Comments on A Light within a Darkness

Agree with Kiel. If this really is your life story, sympathy, but it's not a good story.

Technically, it needs work. (your name) is unwieldy for the protagonist, and why bother if you're going to assign her the last name Brooks? There are multiple spelling errors and issues with "your/you're" confusion throughout.

Storywise- (your name) is unintentionally unsympathetic. The way she moans and cries like no one in the history of suffering has ever suffered the way she suffers; her overly-dramatic descriptions of everyday events; it all makes her come across as a fragile orchid who's never experienced any real hardship, mistakenly believing her ordinary sadness is an epic tragedy.

"In all your years on this planet, no one had ever showed interest in you." "All your years?" You're *fourteen,* not many people have much romantic experience at that point.

"Your druggie dad." Is your dad actually a drug addict? That would be more interesting as a story than the shallow bully girls petty torment. I'd at least feel a little more sympathetic towards (your name.)

"they pushed you into your future husband's arms." I hate to break this to you, fourteen-year-old, but very few people actually marry the first and only person they ever dated. (unless they're of a religion that arranges marriages like that.) Honestly, it's a good thing. Statistically speaking, you're extremely unlikely to know *any* of the people you went to high school with once it's over.

I know, girls aren't like boys. Instead of being physically abusive, they're emotionally cruel, using subtle acts and social isolation. They often do get away with it, since teachers, parents, and anti-bullying initiatives tend to focus on violence and overt insults. It really does suck to endure it.

Regardless, this would be a better story if it didn't think (your name)'s life was an unimaginable saga of cruelty and despair.
If this is seriously the absolute worst stuff that ever happens/happened to you, you've got a really good life.

... I hate to critique someone's life story, I -really- do, but this is not well written. It has some grammar and spelling errors littered throughout. It's also awkwardly put together, like you weren't really paying attention to the contents of the story when you connected them. For instance, when I backed away from the ledge, the next link implied that my character was still trying to kill herself.

When I stayed silent and waited to tell the teacher, the next page was: "You made sure that everyone was out before you walked to your teacher. "She's lying." You repeated, crying.
"Please no more lies, before I add more to your detentions. Tears wouldn't help." He repeminded you. "
What detentions? What did "she" lie about? Who is "she"? What lies did I tell? ("repeminded" would be one of the errors I was referring to, by the way.) What the hell are you on about, woman? Just because this is your story and you understand it in full context does not mean the reader will. You have to show us what's going on or it makes no sense.

Also, I really hate to be "this guy" ... but, are you serious? This is based on a true story? What kind of retarded high-schooler actually uses "booger" as an insult and why in gods name did that bother you? How thin-skinned do you have to be to cry over a third grade insult when you're seventeen? Yeah, turning the light off in the bathroom was rude, but when I was seventeen, I put up with -real- assholes, not this cutesy crap. I cannot fathom why you'd actually consider killing yourself over something so ridiculous.

Not to mention, 14 years? So people bullied you since you were ... 3? Uh huh. Two things. One, -why-? There's nothing to make fun of when you're three. You all pick your noses and have bathroom accidents and say stupid shit and absolutely nobody cares because you're THREE. Two, how is that even relevant now? You honestly still care? Really? I can't even remember anyone I knew when I was three outside of my family.

Listen, I'm not trying to be mean here. If this is a true story, then I'm genuinely sorry you feel like you had a shitty childhood, and yeah, being bullied sucks a lot, but it's ... hard to sympathize with this or take it seriously.

Trust me, childish insults and spreading rumors are only things a really stupid or really weak bully does.

Unless you've been beaten up badly or had someone pull your underwear down (or, since you're a girl, shirt and bra up) in front of someone you had a crush on to humiliate you, you actually got off pretty easy, and it can get worse than just that. Much, much worse. My advice is to use the spell-checker, work on your grammar, and you may want to stick to fiction in the future, hun.

Not great needs work and longer story

Well, not bad, first time that going to the library can actually lead down a romantic path. ;D 5/8

You were seventeen, and you were bullied for 14 years. That means you were bullied since you were three, but you said it started at eight. Can you math??

Just horribly written. very short, very whiny teen makes it hard to sympathize with. and the whole (your name here) is just jarring. Also you named the boy Aiden then had a (fill in the blanks with name of boyfriend) at the end? After reading a couple of your stories I think I know why you haven't been active on this site in over a year.

You probably should have given the main character a name or at least avoiding saying (First Name)

I wish this'd been the only things I had to put up with...
I'm not sure if this was an example of one of the better days or maybe this is what you think of as "horrible" but really, I didn't feel much sympathy...
Maybe I'm just a horrible person...idk

It was pretty good! Just a bit short.

i loved it so much

I really really loved the story, it was very interesting.
;P :D ('>') ('o')*

choose your own boredom never seemed so accurate

short but fun
nice work! ^_^

I wish you would add more to the plot.

It would be better if it was longer...

And isn't it creepy that I did have lice when I was eight?

This amazing tale brought a smile to my face. There are a few sad endings, but the good ones made me feel like, finally, somewhere, somebody understood how so many people feel every day. A moving and uplifting game which I recomend to everyone.

It was not bad but you don't need to write (your name) / (his name) just give the characters names or write things like "you hear someone calling your name". It is a nice story of escape though, don't worry. We all get away from the bullies sooner or later :)

need to add more story endings

Well gee. Times have changed...

Good.

It was an okay story but it was rather short and why couldn't you just choose a name? Parentheses is just annoying.

There were grammatical errors and I felt that you should have thought of more paths for the reader to follow