A Soldier's Wish

Player Rating4.35/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 57 ratings since 03/19/2017
played 380 times (finished 69)

Story Difficulty1/8

"no possible way to lose"

Play Length4/8

"A well spent lunch break"

Maturity Level4/8

"need to be accompanied by an adult"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.

Tags

Live through the eyes of a fallen soldier on the battlefield. See what his final wish is, and what memories were important enough for him to recall at the end.

This is my first story game, so sorry if it's not good, and constructive criticism is appreciated! Thank you very much!

Note: This is very short, as I was advised to start small. 

Player Comments

Pessimistic...

It is a very deep story, rich in detail conveyed by few words. Great work indeed.

What I dislike, however, is the absolute futility of my character, it seems that I was forced to die, and that there was no hope of changing my fate. Predestination.

What I would suggest, if you plan on editing this storygame, is to expand it into a bigger thing by putting a way where my guy could actually live from the incident, and then you would have the ability to make a sequel regarding the aftermath of his survival. Like how his life is at family, at work etc.

Because, in all honesty, it was too short for taste. Especially with the big potential I see in the story to increase the choices, but it's your first storygame, and I can understand that not all writers are virtuosos at what they do.

Decent effort for your debut in this site. 5/8.
-- AgentX on 4/18/2017 2:54:32 AM with a score of 0
As a storygame in and of itself, the game's extremely lacking in content and choices, but as you've said yourself, you decided to start small. Although I don't like items it's one of the few OK uses I've seen of them, so well done on that. The biggest issue here is lack of content, which when the reader's biggest complaint is that there's not enough is definitely a plus.

The writing was good and you managed to get across at least some emotion with only a few words, plus you actually seem to have a basic understanding of writing. You show a lot more potential than most of the site trash, so congratulations. In future, I'd really recommending taking on a bigger project and really tearing into it, because I think you definitely have the ability to do so.

So all in all, welcome to CYS, I'm looking forward to read more of your work and seeing what you can do with a proper story. Well done and I hope you stick around.
-- Steve24833 on 3/20/2017 7:32:18 PM with a score of 0
This story has an good initial premise, but is held back by sloppy execution and hackneyed dialogue that turns this from an interesting glimpse into the mind of a dying soldier to a scene that wouldn't be out of place in a generic parody of a war movie.

And the final page came not only as a clumsy anti-war message but, as a military veteran myself, almost came across as condescending. Though I'm not mad or anything, it would put off a few people. The rest would roll their eyes and chock it up to someone who's seen Saving Private Ryan one too many times.

To put my personal feelings aside, the first thing I would change is to set up the scene and situation. Is his unit retreating, charging a position, running to cover? What you wrote didn't give any so there is no investment in what's happening.

And, as I said earlier, your dialogue needs to have more effort put into it. And anyone who you served with wouldn't call you 'Soldier'. It would be like if your best friend from school called you 'Student' or 'Fellow Student'. Have 'em make passing comments about what's going on, give them names, make them characters in their own right rather than 'Generic Soldier#1-2'.

Anyway, it's okay as a first story to get a feel for story structure and pacing. But it is very much lacking in flavor and just feels boring to read. I gave a 3 in spite of wanting to give it a 2 but that would be me injecting my personal feelings into it and isn't fair to what your story does.

I look forward to seeing how you learn from this and how you improve in your next story.
-- Calicovall on 6/9/2017 10:25:41 AM with a score of 0
I think this was well writtin, yet sad. Well done!
-- WritersBlock on 6/8/2017 8:29:14 AM with a score of 0
BORING and short
-- ZombieGamer9188 on 5/28/2017 3:56:16 PM with a score of 0
Although short it made me feel sad and empty like I new it was the end. Amazing. A part of me wants it to be longer but then another part wants it to stay short.
-- Ventenar on 4/27/2017 12:25:28 PM with a score of 0
So sad, only one path in the end, it all ends up in vain...
-- Chickdove on 4/10/2017 8:35:22 PM with a score of 0
This was really emotional and beautifully written.
-- Cheion on 4/10/2017 3:26:09 AM with a score of 0
short and sweet
-- costco on 3/29/2017 7:19:31 PM with a score of 0
I loved it so much I cried at the end??
-- Mikys on 3/24/2017 12:32:27 AM with a score of 0
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