Player Comments on A Soldier's Wish

Pessimistic...

It is a very deep story, rich in detail conveyed by few words. Great work indeed.

What I dislike, however, is the absolute futility of my character, it seems that I was forced to die, and that there was no hope of changing my fate. Predestination.

What I would suggest, if you plan on editing this storygame, is to expand it into a bigger thing by putting a way where my guy could actually live from the incident, and then you would have the ability to make a sequel regarding the aftermath of his survival. Like how his life is at family, at work etc.

Because, in all honesty, it was too short for taste. Especially with the big potential I see in the story to increase the choices, but it's your first storygame, and I can understand that not all writers are virtuosos at what they do.

Decent effort for your debut in this site. 5/8.

As a storygame in and of itself, the game's extremely lacking in content and choices, but as you've said yourself, you decided to start small. Although I don't like items it's one of the few OK uses I've seen of them, so well done on that. The biggest issue here is lack of content, which when the reader's biggest complaint is that there's not enough is definitely a plus.

The writing was good and you managed to get across at least some emotion with only a few words, plus you actually seem to have a basic understanding of writing. You show a lot more potential than most of the site trash, so congratulations. In future, I'd really recommending taking on a bigger project and really tearing into it, because I think you definitely have the ability to do so.

So all in all, welcome to CYS, I'm looking forward to read more of your work and seeing what you can do with a proper story. Well done and I hope you stick around.

I really enjoyed this short story. It's sweet and sad. I just wish that there was an option to use all three memories, instead of just one. Other than that, this was a good read. Keep up the good work!

Very emotional

Interesting and deep story.

5/8

This story has an good initial premise, but is held back by sloppy execution and hackneyed dialogue that turns this from an interesting glimpse into the mind of a dying soldier to a scene that wouldn't be out of place in a generic parody of a war movie.

And the final page came not only as a clumsy anti-war message but, as a military veteran myself, almost came across as condescending. Though I'm not mad or anything, it would put off a few people. The rest would roll their eyes and chock it up to someone who's seen Saving Private Ryan one too many times.

To put my personal feelings aside, the first thing I would change is to set up the scene and situation. Is his unit retreating, charging a position, running to cover? What you wrote didn't give any so there is no investment in what's happening.

And, as I said earlier, your dialogue needs to have more effort put into it. And anyone who you served with wouldn't call you 'Soldier'. It would be like if your best friend from school called you 'Student' or 'Fellow Student'. Have 'em make passing comments about what's going on, give them names, make them characters in their own right rather than 'Generic Soldier#1-2'.

Anyway, it's okay as a first story to get a feel for story structure and pacing. But it is very much lacking in flavor and just feels boring to read. I gave a 3 in spite of wanting to give it a 2 but that would be me injecting my personal feelings into it and isn't fair to what your story does.

I look forward to seeing how you learn from this and how you improve in your next story.

I think this was well writtin, yet sad. Well done!

BORING and short

Although short it made me feel sad and empty like I new it was the end. Amazing. A part of me wants it to be longer but then another part wants it to stay short.

So sad, only one path in the end, it all ends up in vain...

This was really emotional and beautifully written.

short and sweet

I loved it so much I cried at the end??

That was good. I did enjoy the picking up of emotional objects - that's what got me really into it. Looking forward to your future masterpieces.

(I was typing a longer review but it accidentally submitted while I was in the middle of things, ergo this follow up.)

This was the right way to get into storygames, and you used items in a meaningful way, while allowing for a case in which the player didn't even pick them (if they so chose).

The tone (your fate was set the moment..) was a tad ham handed, but still true to your vision. With time you'll want to move into more shades of grey, such as writing something on the lines of 'your fate, and those around you was set the moment you joined. Many will never return from the battlefield, and those that remain will never be the same.' By removing the finality of one death, and projecting the issues of war onto others you expand the scope of the work, and give the reader more to think about.

In all, I look forward to more stories from your mind.

Well played. Brevity worked in this one's favor. Not to sound trite, but this was a one (admittedly elegant) trick pony. To received a higher rating, you would need to pull off more than a dozen of these. At that point, you'd have a story that would stay with a reader in the longer run. Great start, build more.

Well done.

The edits helped, and I really enjoyed this.

Well, 'enjoyed' is maybe not the right word, it's a little depressing. But you're a skilled enough writer to keep from going completely over the top with it. You may get complaints about the end, but considering the subject matter I'm not sure where else it would have gone.

Minor typo:
'You were hoping for the latter, but new the first was true.'

Anyhow, well done, and with this as your first effort I really look forward to what's to come.