Player Comments on An Unusual Day at Littlewood High

There have been far worse first time efforts. A general tip, if the game takes less than a day to finish, you probably need to do something more with it: develop plot, flesh out the world, use more descriptive language.

Also, what James said. Below is how I would divide up the first page. The first two paragraphs could be combined, but I would argue this way makes the opening scene a little catchier. I also added a few commas where needed and some extra notes.

"Wake up boy!"

You sigh deeply as your English teacher, Mr. Greenwood, smashes his hand down on your desk for the sixth time in the lesson. "Can you understand me boy?!" This time infuriated with rage. <- Fragment. Also it doesn't really tell me anything new. We know he's pissed off. (Side note: fragments can be used stylistically at times, but it just seems clumsy here.)

"No sir! I was just studying through this test book!" You hope it is a good enough excuse, as you are not very good at telling lies, or English at that. <- I know what you're trying to say here, but the way it's written it sounds like the protagonist doesn't know the English language (in regards to speaking it) rather than the subject.

"I have just been studying your test results, and they are dreadful! This recess, you are going to stay in and practice the test!"

Remember to use strong nouns and verbs in your writing so you rely less on adjectives and adverbs. Strong nouns and verbs paint clearer pictures.

Hope this helps, and once again, welcome to CYS.

I really didn't get the idea of this story, but it was still satisfying.

Too sweet.

Meh. There's a few End Game and Leave Comments link tacked on to random pages.

Some minor spelling and grammar issues. But I've been looking for a good short story/game on here for a few days now and this is the first that I've actually appreciated all week. I loved the randomness and the humor. Good job!

The humor wasn't that great, and it was really short. Flesh it out and it could be okay.

Also, what's the point in those random end game links, like when you go to flud the bathroom and find out that the other kid already did it?

it's a really great story but I feel as though it should be longer

I want to say, if you run across the French Teacher, he uses the f-word! No way this is "between G or PG". Change the rating!

Its a fun little game, if you have a spare 5 minutes!
SPOILER: Don't risk the convienience store! Also, don't kill yourself.

"Can you understand me boy!?"
"No sir..."

Awkward dialogue such as that combined with inconsistencies and randomness make this story pretty low on my chart. I recommend listening to the other reviews to improve this. Also when a different character is speaking, you have to make it a new paragraph.

I drink milk and go to bed, and after I become the head of the CIA. Seems legit to me... :3

So the teacher dies from the sound of a whistle... This was either meant to be funny or horribly unrealistic. The overall story needs work; fleshing out the characters would add a nice touch. The main issue here is how short it is; make the storygame longer, add more choices, and you've got an okay game. If you want to go with the 'escape the school' angle, adding variables would be great. Also? I'm not a big fan of the too-perfect-and-amazing endings. I mean, the guy shirks school and then ends up being in the CIA? Or you give your parents a chocolate bar and end up running and successful candy business?

Could be longer.

good job tho'

This is just random

Wow! If you choose good stuff this can be pretty awesome!??

This is a derp story that could use some better writing. Although I do have a friend named Kyle Peterson...

Well... it was interesting, I guess? The grammar could have been polished up a bit, specifically dialogue. There should be a new paragraph when a new person speaks. This was really short and because of that very linear. The story could've earned a higher rating if more work had been done on it; it could be really fleshed out more to allow a richer story as well as non linearity.

it was a good story but was a little weird

it was fun, but I don't think you should be saying F*** and then give it a 3/8 in maturity.

Too random for my liking Lollolol.

i love it it was awsome

Hey. I thought this was good, I got to become 'the next willy wonka' and got to go on Dragons Den!

Haha, the ending I got reminded me of the epilouge I wrote for The Hunt For Cake 2. Good job. 4/8

Yay I became a millionaire :)

Well, okay...

The game wasn't too bad, but I always give a little cringe when I read things like "This is my first ever story game, so it's not going to be very good." ... Or something along those lines. If you're a good writer, it wont matter if it's your first story game or your 179th, it's going to be good anyway.
Hell, the fact that it's your fist game shouldn't make people throw something together and say "meh, it's not perfect, but it's only mt first game, so it doesn't matter." If anything people should try their absolute hardest to make their first game the best that they possibly can, 'cos that's going to give people their first impression on how good you are as a writer...
That said, you did say "Rate on what you think it deserves." Instead of "Pretty please give me really good ratings and don't say anything mean 'cos I'm only ten and you'll hurt my feelings." So you get points back for that ^_^

"Or you could just post a comment without even attempting to finish the story, That's cool if you do that."

What was the point of this? I know you warned about randomness, but that felt sort of out of place and random humor shouldn't mean pulling the writer out of the story.

Anyway, I recommend constructing more characters and spending a little more time introducing us to them.

I will say however that this story is promising considering it's your first.

Not bad, the spelling and grammar were ok and the links all worked which was nice. What you need is a story with a plot, I enjoyed the random sense of humour but if I was say roaming the school because I'd let the school snake out of it's cage by accident and need to return it before Mrs Stalin my teacher finds out and puts me in detention until 2063 I'd have enjoyed it more. Even random stories need a focus or a direction but I did like the humour :) Good work.

I've read worse. I appreciate the effort you put into giving the reader at least some choices, but I do think your story is very short. The plot wasn't great either, mostly because of the random randomness and again, the shortness of the story.

But, as I said before, this could have been much worse. Keep practicing, and take some time for, writing and I'm sure you'll come up with a great story. However, I've given this one a 3/8.

Good luck writing!

A pleasant attempt at a comedy story without the need for shameless, LOLRNDOM humor. It can be done! And it can be fun! Thanks for recommending this one.

This story sure does escalate with the 'Kill Yourself' option.

This would have been considerably better if you had formatted the dialogue correctly and made the endings a little less...unpredictable. But, aside from that, it wasn't too bad.