Player Comments on Artemis Fowl's Big Decision

I've heard of but am not familiar at all with the source material, but, just looking at this for what it is:

1.) Aside from a couple of small errors the spelling, grammar etc. are all fine.

2.) It is short. Very short. This is the biggest point against it, because it did not need a 'part 2' when part 1 could have been expanded to include more than a couple of sentences per page and more things actually happening besides calling some girl on the phone and declaring you love her.

3.) I know nothing about these characters and the descriptions given didn't help much. I'm not even sure what species Holly is or what any of these people's backgrounds are together.

4.) The only meaningful choice offered, 'Holly or Minerva' was actually a fake one. It didn't mean anything to me to begin with, but just from a storygame structure standpoint, you want to put a real choice in there.

5.) I'm not sure what to make of it that the character randomly blurting out all that cringey stuff about being in love to someone he's not even dating was the way to 'win' rather than just being incredibly awkward and uncomfortable for her.

The non-insane approach meanwhile leads to her gently turning him down with a lot of practical reasons why it wouldn't work out, while still making it clear she still likes and respects him. What suddenly made it all okay when he's being super weird at her?

Not sure about his own reaction being 'lol women amirite? just can't follow my logic' when she was the only one acting reasonably there. Also, in that ending you start directly referring to the player rather than the character which seems a little out of place.

Anyway, I may be overthinking a 1500 word fanfiction here. The main thing is to remember you're not in any rush here. You started this one just a couple of days ago, and it would have come out better if you'd taken extra time to make it longer and more involving.

Also keep in mind that this isn't a fanfiction site, and you can't assume knowledge of whatever series you're going with on the part of the reader. Give them all the information they need to know what is even going on or why it matters you'd include in a normal story.