Player Comments on Bloodlines

Before I start, I know that this is your first story and that you don't know English very well. But you asked for constructive criticism and I only know one way of doing that, and that is to give it straight out and that is what I am going to do. I have nothing against you, and I do think the story was very fun.

What I did like:

I liked that we were given some information on the kingdom as well as the person we will be playing as, even though he had a very Batman back story. I liked the concept of the story and I do think that this story could be very good if it was a bit longer and some things were added in which you can read below. That being said, I did like playing as Drake, he had moments when he reminded me of those old action hero movies like an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. I can be a sucker for those. Overall the story was interesting and have potential if it is edited, the right criticism is given, and the author is given a bit of help here and there. But I did enjoy myself, it was a nice little read.



And that is it for what I enjoyed, moving on to what I think could use some work. Obviously, I won't say much about the grammar and spelling, but you really need to watch out for those, I can't stress that enough. I would suggest having some, not a friend, read it and tell you the mistakes.

A big part of a story is settling. Now, I don't need ever plank of wood or tile explain to me, but I would like a scene to be set. What is in the room? What kind of room it is? Those questions should be answered otherwise, I have trouble imagining it, and that comes from someone with a wild imagination. And a single word descriptor doesn't work. For example, at the start, we go from one inn to another right afterwards. If no one visits the kingdom much, why do they have so many inns? Or is this another kingdom? Feel free to change up the setting and describe it as you do.

This is something personal but the point of a story game is that it is written like a story, so you do not pause in the middle of dialogue to say an action. Example, “He is getting stronger (He stood up) but we will get him.” The action in the brackets is not necessary and can be done much better and much more fluently if it is written like a novel. Authors do it all the time. Here, example, *”He is getting stronger,” The man stood up, “But we will be him.”* This way, it can be smooth and more story like, instead of sounding like a movie script.

For the dialogue, I have no clue if it was supposed to be unrealistically funny or if it was intentional or not. The dialogue was very cliché and when it was supposed to be serious I found it very funny instead and started laugh by just how cheesy it was. I would suggest avoiding cliché dialogue because it can come off as comical instead of serious like you intend it to be. It just doesn't have the same intent as you might think it is having on a reader.

Suspense is a big aspect of stories, and even though this story was nice and short, just the way I like them, everything seemed very rushed and hasty, there wasn't a moment to breathe. SPOILER: Like when Drake is facing his parents killer, we find out they are the killer and then a choice later Drake kills them. There isn't any suspense or tension, I'm not hanging at the edge of my seat and that is what keeps most reader in and interested in the characters and most importantly the story itself. Suspense can be created by holding on to a scene for a bit, making the reader think one thing and then another thing happens. Let's say, SPOILER: in the scene with Drake fighting the killer, you drag the fight so Drake is on the brink of death, he's losing blood, he is beat and bruise, you think he won't survive and then BOOM he gets the last blow.

There wasn't much character development that I found, but that could be because Drake himself didn't have much personality to work from. On top of that, we don't know much about Ed so when he (SPOILERS) betrays Drake, we have no idea if this is supposed to be shocking or out of character at all. Should we also feel betrayed or not? The way you make a reader feel through the character is by giving the character feelings and fears, Drake seemed to be like those action heroes that have no fears or feelings and in that, you lose some suspense and a path for character development and an interesting character.

Moving away from the characters and into the world itself, the world and information that we got at the start of the game were interesting and I wanted more to be in it. I wanted to discover more of the history and what exactly happened to the kingdom, but it was never brought up in the story. It was pointless in the long run and didn't need to be added into the game. I feel like if we were allowed to explore this kingdom and everything then it would have given the starting information some purpose other than to make this a fantasy story.

The problem that I found most prominent was that this was all written like a script to a movie. While in a script you can get away with minimal descriptions and cliché dialogue, here you do not have the luxury of visuals. So you have to describe things and find ways to form the scene you are seeing in the reader's mind. And while yes, some books and stories are written a lot like movie scenes, they do still give a description of the place and the action that is unfolding. We are not mindreaders, you have to paint the scene with words. Which with practice I think you will be able to do!

Thank you, it was a fun read.

Wow, I enjoyed this quite a lot.

The character development was really a nice thing to have, and i'm glad you included it. The characters didn't feel stale at all like in most storygames, and I could feel emotion for them because of the decent detail and development.

The plot wasn't bad, but it wasn't very well fleshed out. I felt like some parts had a lot more effort put into them then others, and that made some of the pages feel sloppy and lazy.

The english was quite good, better then I expected from the description. I'm glad you made the attempt to make a storygame, because I think you're pretty good at it.

With a little practice, proofreading, and a more descriptive setting, this can be one hell of a storygame, and you can get much better as an author. You've got a lot of potential :)

Nice work. 4/8.

Well your English is very good considering it's your third language and I liked the story but I think you could have done a lot better with it. The whole "Young orphan boy who's parents were murdered when he was a child grows up and vows revenge on the person who murdered them" is a cliche used in so many fantasy stories and games, and it can still work if done properly, but the cliche seemed to be the only thing the story focused on. Also at the end of the story it explained that the main character was betrayed by his best friend, which I didn't understand, since it the story there doesn't seem to be any example of the two of them ever being friends. I still liked it though :)

Maybe... Add more Endings to get an 8

I FUCKING HATE IT

I died too quickly, so I chose not to leave a rating. I see definite potential in you as a writer!

It was unique, I enjoyed it.

I liked it. Short simple and too the point. For english being your third language you are pretty good at it. Well done

I did like the story quite well although it is a little short but it was your first one so that is okay.

The main problem on this story i think is the fact that the characters are a little shallow. i mean true Drake has a backstory even a quite tragic one but its only told us in about 3 sentences so it isn't really explored.
We don't see his emotions so he just seems like a simple antihero.

Another problem is that the scenes aren't described well enough for one to get lost in the story that is something you should try to improve on.

All in all a good first story though and i believe you can become a lot better because of it.

Endrew, this is a good starting place...as you are still young and learning the language...I feel your talents will improve.

Well, I like that you want constructive criticism. Even for someone who isn't a native English speaker, it doesn't have too many typos. It's not too bad of a premise, and maybe I didn't play enough paths, but I think you should flesh out characters and motives more. :) Nice job though. 5/8.

Had more potential but very short storyline

Didn't enjoy much.

Noice

I enjoyed it until the end, but it was to short.

"I never thought that Blackshade killed my parents. He only worked for money, why would he kill my father. Maybe, someone else wanted them dead. Though I've took my revenge. I killed my best friend, who turned out to be my enemy. Cruel world. Isn't it. As for now I will try to leave everything. It won't be easy. Atleast not in Elle..."

Well, maybe your ending emphasize and try to stress the cruelty of the world, but I was hoping for more options like alternative endings, including one like forgiving and forgetting the whole deal of taking revenge and date a girl, get married, and live happy life.

I'm critical, honestly. It made both and my friends laugh, pretty decent for third language and for your age as well! Keep up the hard work!

Cool. Just a little short.

I loved this it was a bit short but I still liked it hopfully we can work together some time!!

This was enjoyable. I liked it.

that was rather short however i enjoyed it, although i do wish you would have added more to drakes backstory

I actually quite enjoyed this. I think I like Drake very much. The story is kind of developed, but perhaps there should be more back story for the characters? Otherwise, great story!

Good, would watch it if it was a movie :3

Well, the concept is good, but there is barely any substance, and spelling should be fixed even more. The excuse that spelling is a problem is not an acceptable one as I know people who have only been in America for months and have managed to speak almost perfect English or perfect English.

Cool story, you should make more.

Pretty good, but a bit short. Can't wait to see what else you can do, you have a real talent for writing, especially since it is your 3rd language.

Couldve been longer, or spent nore time fleshing out the characters, but the choices are fun and plentiful, so its worth one playthough.

Yes.

is this your first story?

Your English made me suffer, but it wasn't a bad effort.

Nice story! I really like it.

Huh. Satisfied my thirst for blood.

Reasonable enough, the writing and content was ok but none of it jumped out as especially meaningful. Perhaps making it longer and fleshing out the characters would improve it a bit more, the premise and what you've got so far is decent though.

well you could add more detail and it was a bit short and how many endings are there?
love to know!

BYE!!

Be My FRIND?

Nice actually, who you actually are could be more clearly explained, but overall pretty nice.

I don't know why this has such a low rating, I think this is fantastic considering it is your first storygame AND in your third language! This is a solid beginning. I think in the future you need to drag your stories out longer and really take the time to build up your plot, world, and characters. Hopefully your next will be longer! And I personally would find it great if you ever returned to add to this.

Haha.

No errors att alk uoue the game. What languages do you speak?

Cool

it was pretty good

I think it's pretty good, well great actually. I think it could use more detail. A few grammar mistakes, but it's an amazing job considering its your 3'rd language. Good job! Although, it kinda gets predictable what you have to so to survive.

This story is incredibly cliché. The dialogue sounds like it's come straight out of a poorly scripted action movie, the hero is a revered yet antisocial person who is also an orphan (where have I seen those traits in a protagonist before?)

Somehow the poor English added to my enjoyment of the dialogue in this storygame. Imagining somebody angrily yelling out, "I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU. But i didn't. Now I will." is too funny.

With that said, I think you've done a great job writing in English if it's your third language. There are many mistakes but you're sure to improve over time. Just a quick tip now: capitalise any "i"s that are on their owner

The storygame is incredibly linear (there are multiple different paths that allow you to reach the end but there is only one good ending. At least once, you designed a page so that two options led to identical pages.

It was good for your first story but I am very confused as to why you bothered to write that detailed background story.

Not a bad story at all. It might have gotten a higher score if there wasn't such a black-and-white choice selection, and it definitely needs proofreading. How about asking for one of the more experienced writers on this site to be your co-author?

That was great for a first story!

The writing is not too hard to understand, work on the plot and writing and I'm sure your next game can be a 7/8. Not bad for a first game, 5/8

Decent enough,

5/8

Something about this was strangely compelling, I'm just not sure what it is. The plot felt obviously contrived, the dialogue was horrible at parts, the time period was extremely unclear and the whole "forced nature" of the story honestly made me cringe but something about the way it's written makes it kind of fun all in all. The author does an exceptional job for English being a third language but he needs to curb his creativity into something more controlled in order to get a cohesive product to be proud of.

It was pretty decent, I found the lack of details kind of annoying and I randomed in so I didn't pick it out. Nice first try. Just add some more specific details and I think you'll do great.

pretty good game

It certainly is interesting and I can appreciate that you were able to take the Assassin's Creed concept and come up with your own unique characters and setting. A few minor grammar and spelling errors, nothing major. I really enjoyed it and hope to see more from you :D

I think you have done great work for your first story.

I like the concept, although I felt that it was lacking in filler.

Good effort, especially for your first game.
I was expecting more, especially after you kill a guy with your eyes, a magical power which is never mentioned again, and I found the story confusing, with no real motivation for the enemies' actions.
Your English was ok, the mistakes didn't make it difficult to understand the story, and that's the most important part.
While the introduction/backstory is interresting enough, it really has no impact on the rest of the plot as far as I can tell.

Good:

1.Plot-I can see you tried to make a character with history and it wasn't too bad.
2.Options-You may me choices to choose from which was very good(Especially during assassinations.)

Bad:
1.Detail-You could have described my past better. I know you were going for a tragic back story and it would have been but I couldn't really feel sorry for the guy because you kind of just told me the bare essentials of the story to get the game started.
2.Pictures- I would not suggest using the Assassin's creed pictures because A)It's an EXTREMELY popular series and people may get upset because he is not like the characters in the games and B)It's not that original.
3.Action-A little more descriptions in the fights would have helped.
4.Items(Optional advice)-This is completely if you want it done but this game would have been awesome with items.
5.Dialogue-It felt off and a little unrealistic at times.

Overall: Not a bad first stab at a game. You did have some flaws but you also had some good things to it too. I would suggest not being discouraged by my comment, it's not to be mean and if you're offended I'm sorry, and to keep on trying.

3/8

Hmm...thanks...

Not bad for a first story. The English is acceptable just a few minor errors. I wish you elaborated more on the background story and made the story a bit longer though.

A bug... Score...?

Here it is. A score of 100 or higher means Best Ending.