Player Comments on Bullet Train

Right, well I think this story has tons of potential. You've got a nice style of writing and it started off fairly well with a couple of lines of dry humour after the kind-of-pointless first page. There's some good description in there too, which I surprised to find given the length. Speaking of which, I have to say that the length leaves want for more. I don't really know anything about the main character and a little background information would have been nice before I found out that the protag is an utter psycho and I had to pick the choices of a nutter with lots of murdering and the like (not that I'm complaining about those choices: obviously they go with the genre and story etc). Then again, I suppose you could say the main character is supposed to kind of be mysterious and it suits their line of work, but I feel that maybe some more insight into their thoughts would have worked well. I think you could pull it off without seeming like you're forcing 'I'm going to do this...' down the readers' throats. With some more length, character development would surely follow, so I think length is the main thing. Still, you can create very vivid characters in the word count you had, roughly 3000 words, so maybe a little less focus on the action would help.

Which brings me to the action. It was punchy, well thought out, and pretty brutal (I'd say the difficulty should be bumped up! There are some choices with three options and only one keeps you alive). What I really liked was how you hint at things the reader can subtly pick up on, which tells you how you should act. The guy fumbling about in his pocket is an excellent example. The grammar and spelling was very almost perfect; I spotted one mistake, making this the joint best story I've read in terms of grammar (though the other one was a bit longer).
A few things to improve on:
- With the letters on the first page, I'd personally link the pages explaining what's in the letters back to the original page where you find the three choices and make sure they can't be clicked multiple times. It just gives a little extra polish.
- The 'dense forest' right next to the city street was a little hard to believe. Maybe a car chase or just running away for a bit would transition better.
- The whole [BAD ENDING] thing feels unnecessary or could be improved. Maybe individually naming each ending or just leaving it after the player dies etc (spoilers: you can die, whoopty-fuckin'-do) would run better.
- Maybe a little dialogue from Carlos would be good, or an option where you can get it. Who knows though, maybe he's mute?
It's got good potential and I'd guess you'd be really good at writing Noir crime fiction and that kind of stuff.
5/8

This was a decent storygame. The plot was cohesive and accomplished what it set out to do, even if it could be fleshed out more. The grammar and spelling were excellent. The choices mostly made logical sense and had a realistic outcome, there was also a decent amount of them, given the length. The length was lackluster, but not terribly short. The writing was very good, with the descriptions and detail being superb. The action scenes could be longer and the reader being more proactive during them.

The character development definitely needs work; I don't really know anything about the protagonist before he became a hitman and why he became a hitman. Throughout the story, the only impression we get from him is that he will do whatever it takes to get a task done, and that's about it. Fleshing out the protagonist and giving him a backstory would do wonders. It was a little linear; there was only one path that lead to the good endings. Making the story branch out more into alternate endings would be nice. You did this a little with the chaotic and neutral ending, but giving the reader the choice to veer off into an entirely new path would shake off the feeling of being forced down a single path.

As I said, this is a good storygame, especially for a first-time effort. There were a few logic breaks (3 gun-shots would surely scare people, but 1 should've been enough for people to be alarmed and call the cops), but nevertheless, this deserves a 5/8.

Wow! This is actually pretty good for a first storygame this short. Your grammar is pretty good, and the plot is pretty well written. You had the proper elements, and a PURPOSE for the protagonist. Although it could be extended, you had decent paragraphs and descriptions.

Another thing you could do to enhance the story would be to add more conflict. I played through a couple times and noticed only two or three rounds of fighting. Not bad, but there were those sections where you had to choose a certain path or you die. Those get pretty annoying, but still it was overall pretty good.

Nice job on your first storygame!

The mc has a very strange amount of skills that sometimes work

Follow the Voice
Amidst the fury, you race into the thick growth to your side. After a while of running, you end up away from the gunshots, to a small clearing, being very far into the forest now. In the clearing, several odd looking mushrooms grow in patches around a large, shimmering oak tree.


"Down here."

You hear a voice from below you. A small creature is looking at you: It continues


"Welcome, comrade, to the Mushroom Glade."





[KINGDOM-OF-THE-MUSHROOM-PEOPLE ENDING]

Seriously, I thought this was supposed to be a serious game about gangs until I reach this ending... idk ;)

has potential but could certainly be improved

Pretty good for a first time story. A couple of spelling/grammar errors but nothing to serious. The main thing I'd say you could improve is the length, maybe give a bit more details into the character development side of the story. Also I don't know if I just missed it with the path I took or not but I didn't see a train, plenty of bullets, but no train.