Player Comments on Christmas Vacation pt. 1

Good but where's the rest?

The writing was decent and it was an interesting plot being set up, so not a bad start. But the problem is it was JUST a start. "Part ones" are discouraged for a lot of reasons (unless they work as a standalone) and you're generally much better off just completing your story before publishing.

If you do need early feedback, you can make a Writing Workshop thread with the link to get some general opinions.

For a first attempt though this was pretty good and there's nothing wrong with the writing itself, I hope you'll continue to contribute here.

Fun. Looking forward to part II.

Your writing is not bad and there is clearly a plot there. However, that atrocious bad designed way of presenting the story and how horribly linear it is. That makes really impossible to enjoy something, as, in fact, there is nothing happening. A clue, if your first part doesn't have content, just don't publish it as a separated part.

The intro with fewer lines and the family tree is really a terrible start, telling not showing. You should present your characters through meaningful dialogue in the proper plot, not in a bad written paragraph in the intro.

If you edit this further, add the second part creating a meaningful and compact plot, you could really have a solid game as it is I can't give it a 3.

Nooooooo! Why did it have to end so suddenly :( I should have seen it coming in the “pt. 1” in the title!

Anyway, it was a good plot up until the abrupt ending. Linear (there is no possible way to lose as far as I know), but good. One thing I didn’t like (as well as the abrupt ending) was the choice that you had to choose which bathroom you went to. You should use a variable for branches like this; otherwise the reader can lie, as well as the choice being a bit awkward.

And, from the grammar nazi inside of me, there is a “your vs you’re” mistake at the beginning. And this line in the description: “Using the resources of your aunts, uncles, and cousins, can you figure out the secret before it's too late? finish”. What is this? Are you telling me to finish in one word but using no punctuation, or did you mean “too late to finish”?

Usually I would give this a 2/8, but since it’s your first story I’ll bump it up to a 3. But in the future, don’t publish stories in multiple parts unless each part works as its own story.

Now, when’s part 2 coming out? I can’t wait to see what happens :)