Player Comments on Life of the Banished
“It’s not amazing, but oh well?” Really? I have an idea for you: un-publish the story, make changes to the story so it is amazing, change the story teaser so it doesn’t say that, then publish the amazing story! After all, if you know the story isn’t amazing, you must know why it isn’t amazing. Why not go ahead fix and change it to make it so that it is amazing? Seriously.
I’m not really sure of the purpose of the first page. It seems like it wants me to select my gender, but I don’t actually have any options: just one choice. If I only have one choice, why does this page even exist? The next page could have a lot more description on it to describe the different colors and what they mean. If the color choice doesn’t have an effect on the story, that’s fine if this is a rich page with lots of detail that helps immerse me in the story. As it is, that page also seems to have no real purpose.
I liked the hide and seek game, but the ending was strange again. The story asks me if I am ready to end the prologue, but then doesn’t actually give me any options. If you’re going to ask a question, you really should have options there – or just don’t ask the question and simply tell the reader that the prologue is over!
The rest of the story is nice and appears to have more effort put into it. It, too, could have more details throughout to make it even better. I liked the idea of the story and I liked the different options and the different endings, too. Thank you for sharing this story with the site.
on 6/28/2018 3:04:48 PM with a score of 0
I like the depth of Fantasy here: we get unicorns, mermaids, griffins, trolls etc but they seem to be taken a bit for granted. In places the detail is a bit lacking, for example if I was adopted by a clan of mermaids I'd want to know more about this weird aquatic cult who have chosen to live in H2O guarding sparkly stones.
Another case is later when given a choice of mates we get no details about them except their color, which if I was being pedantic I'd say picking a boyfriend or girlfriend based on the color of their skin seems a poor qualification, I'd suggest expanding this a little to include some unicorn-based flirting or some conversations.
Overall I liked this, the creativity was good, the prologue excellent, the choices did branch out and there was a real sense of story here with a clear beginning, middle and end (which is often lacking in stories about unicorns, wolves, cats etc); there were also no spelling mistakes that I could spot. I'd suggest the reader's unicorn either expressing surprise when encountering certain creatures or if the unicorn does take these things for granted explaining a little more clearly how it gets adopted by these creatures, and also expanding a little more on the details of the unicorn's mate at the end of the story.
Good Work though :D
on 10/22/2015 8:12:03 PM with a score of 0
I got a sad ending. :'-( U might wanna fix the age timeline. She went from 14 to 5 yrs old.
on 1/15/2017 9:20:58 PM with a score of 0
It was a good storygame. You could have however, elaborated on the mates you choose and your friends and family.
on 12/6/2015 12:30:26 AM with a score of 0
Mabye a dragon will be a change, not.
on 12/3/2015 5:02:02 PM with a score of 0